Beware The Man Who Acts Too Interested Too Soon

Name: Scaredy Cat
Age: 39
State: GA
Question: Hello,

I’m a 39 year old divorced single Mom who truly wants to have the relationship I “know” I deserve. I have met a wonderful man a few weeks ago online and ever since we met, we have been spending allot of time together.  Since we’ve met, I have seen him at least 3 times.  He drives 40 minutes each way to see me and says that if he had it his way, he would see me every day.  He talks like he wants a real relationship with me but has not asked me for exclusivity yet.  But, here’s where it gets interesting, I’m African American and he is a 42 year old, divorced, blond, blue-eyed handsome White gentleman.  Now, this does not bother me at all however, I’m trying to decide “when” I should be intimate with him???
When we go out, he LOVES the attention we get and says that he thrives off of how people stare at us.  Now, dating black women is not new for him since his ex-wife is Black and they have 3 children together.  We had been emailing and talking on the phone for about 2 weeks before we decided to meet.  When we met, we had a wonderful time.  I was concerned about him meeting my daughter, but one night (the 3rd meet up) he wanted to come over early (before she goes to bed), and he met her.  My daughter, who is 15, said that she likes him and that he seems like a really cool guy.  It’s me that’s worried. If I felt there was any inkling of impropriety where he was concerned, I would have NEVER invited him to my home.  He truly wants to get into my world and he understands that means accepting my daughter as well.
I’ve been in situations before where I had sex too fast or allowed someone into my world to quickly and it messed everything up.  I really like this guy and am VERY sexually attracted to him.  I just don’t know when to become intimate with him both emotionally and physically. He keeps hinting around at wanting sex, but I just laugh and change the subject to something else.  I joked with him about his “other girlfriends” and he said that he doesn’t have girlfriends per se (whatever that means – I know what per se is but I don’t know if he does or does not have other lady friends)??  He says that I have his total and undivided attention and he got upset at me when I hinted around at him dating other women.  He said that I struck a nerve because it sounds like I don’t trust him. I don’t know what to do.  He texted me at 2 AM in the morning and told me that he is falling for me.  He texts me every day telling me about how beautiful I am and how he keeps thinking “nice” thoughts about me.  Whenever we are around each other he wants to kiss me and kiss on my neck.  I just don’t want sex to mess up the friendship.  And again, I have only physically met him 1 week ago.  Is this guy really interested in me or does he just want me for sex?  I don’t want to mess this up but I don’t know how to differentiate between what’s real and what’s not?? I can reach him at any time.  He makes himself accessible and he’s making the long drive to see me.  So, after knowing him for about 2-3 weeks, I’m concerned about him coming around me.  Whenever we are around each other, he wants to kiss me and I’m concerned that the kissing will turn into sex.  So, I have not allowed him to come and see me for a couple of days and he’s starting to think he did something wrong.  I just tell him that I’ve been busy with my daughter and that’s why he can’t come over to see me.  What should I do??  I really like him, but I don’t want to mess this up and I am so confused about how to move forward.  Help??!!

 

But, here’s where it gets interesting, I’m African American and he is a 42 year old, divorced, blond, blue-eyed handsome White gentleman.  Now, this does not bother me at all

Then why did you bring it up? I don’t believe that it doesn’t bother you. What does he mean by he “loves” the way people stare at you two? What do you mean that he thrives off of it? Something about that doesn’t sit well with you. You don’t trust that his interest in you is coming from a healthy place. Not that I blame you, because I don’t either.

It’s been three dates. Why is he in such a rush to meet your daughter? Why is he in such a rush, period? That’s what you should be asking yourself.

I joked with him about his “other girlfriends” and he said that he doesn’t have girlfriends per se (whatever that means – I know what per se is but I don’t know if he does or does not have other lady friends)??

With that statement he is telling you, or at least leading you to believe, that he’s dating other women. I have to say that, if that were the case, I don’t know why he’d be driving 40 minutes to see you. Between that and what sounds like his utter desperation, I’d say he has limited options. That would explain why he’s laying it on so thick and trying so hard. He’s trying to ingratiate himself into your life by kissing up to both you and your daughter. Why? Since when is a divorced guy in such a rush to meet the children of a woman he just met online? Why is he driving 40 minutes to see you? Why is he so available? Everything about his behavior is the opposite of Game.

Whenever we are around each other, he wants to kiss me and I’m concerned that the kissing will turn into sex.

You’re not afraid of the sex. You’re afraid he’ll dump you once he gets the sex. Let’s not conflate the two issues. The bottom line is that you suspect that something about this situation is too good to be true. Which usually means it is. You don’t trust this because you know, instinctively, everything about this is the polar opposite of everything else you’ve experienced. This situation aside, you need to get a more mature attitude towards sex and dating. If you don’t trust yourself to say no, that’s a whole other issue that has nothing to do with him. You need to get your actions and your intentions in alignment where this area is concerned. You’re not 16 anymore. There’s just no room in the dating game to be thinking and acting like a teenager.

Either this guy is seriously desperate to get laid or gets attached alarmingly quickly. Now, there’s nothing wrong with dating someone who gives off a bit of desperado. My question would be about why he can’t seem to get any. My guess is that he scares women off with how overbearing and clingy he gets so early in the game.

Now let’s discuss your fear that, if you have sex in the dreaded “too soon” time frame, you’ll mess things up. Let’s look at that statement/concern more closely. You seem to think that the only reason why he’s being so attentive is to get sex. I agree with that, btw. I don’t necessarily agree that “all’ he wants is sex. He’s clearly dying to get into your pants. But do you understand that, if all a man wants is sex, it doesn’t matter how long you wait? If we follow your logic, the guy will bail or get turned off after sex. Okay. That means that there’s nothing you could do to “mess things up” because the outcome was pre-determined. You wouldn’t be messing anything up by sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. He’d have already decided that you were temporary.

I’m not suggesting that you ditch this guy.  He could just be awful and awkward at dating and out of practice. What I am advising you to do is learn more about him so you can understand *why* he’s so anxious to rush into this whole thing. If this were me, I’d be thinking something about this isn’t kosher. I don’t know what it is that has him so eager, but there is definitely something motivating him and causing him to act this way. It’s possible that he gets obsessed with women, or too needy or he’s just trying way too hard.

 

 


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30 Responses to “Beware The Man Who Acts Too Interested Too Soon”

  1. wishing u well Says:

    Here’s a red flag that I’m seeing: why is HE doing all the traveling? When do you get to see him in his home environment. If he’s comfortable enough to see you in your home constantly and meet your daughter, then he should be comfortable with you seeing his neck of the woods. His doing the constant pushing to see you in your place and the overwhelming attention may be designed to get you to overlook this.

    With regards to the “sex too soon” question – I agree Moxie is dead on. In addition, I’d say that you need to decide for yourself in advance what your own personal boundary is when it comes to sex and dating. If you don’t really have one, then more often than not, the guy’s timing will somehow become your timing. The cutesy stuff will get old fast, and it’s time to put on your big girl pants and declare your position. Why be honest? Tell him how attracted you are to him, how much you’re enjoying getting to know him, and that you aren’t ready yet if that’s the case. And if you are ready, then go ahead if and only if you are really and truly okay with the possibility that this guy may just disappear the day afterwards or soon afterwards. If this immensely bothers you, then perhaps you’re someone who shouldn’t have sex outside of a relationship. Good luck and keep us posted on how it turns out! I wish you well.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I didn’t want to go there because I thought id sound paranoid, but I definitely got a vibe that the wife isn’t out of the picture. The 2am call, the driving. Yeah, something is up with his story.

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      • Goldie Says:

        Agree — this is what gave me the vibe that the wife is in the picture still:

        “he said that he doesn’t have girlfriends per se (whatever that means – I know what per se is but I don’t know if he does or does not have other lady friends)?? He says that I have his total and undivided attention and he got upset at me when I hinted around at him dating other women. He said that I struck a nerve because it sounds like I don’t trust him.”

        What can “no girlfriends per se” possibly mean if he acts offended at the very suggestion that he might be dating someone? It’s either the wife, or something so weird that I don’t even want to know.

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  2. Howard Says:

    Well there may be something amiss. But there always is. Guess what Ms. Scaredy Cat, something is amiss with you too. No one is perfect. We all try to be on our best behavior in the beginning, and we all tell the story in such a way that we are the perfect angels. We are all hoping that whatever shows up, will not enter the realm of our non-negotiables. That is the fear we all have in the dating game, and it is the gauntlet we continually run. We have to be prepared to do this if we wish to play the dating game.

    Does he want sex? Absolutely yes. And that is actually normal. Now the interracial thing is not so much an issue for him, as Moxie might think. However it is a big issue for you. The women on this board can handle you with love if they wish, but I am calling you out, and I am African-American. He has a lot of practice. it’s you who is in unfamiliar territory, and want to see shadows where they don’t exist.

    The dating of other women or other women in the picture is tricky. I generally refrain from telling it like it is, but it’s time I took the gloves off. Men have an entirely different mindset about sex than women. And feminism has made it worse for grasping this. Feminism aims for equality, but equality in opportunity is not the same as equality in modus operandi or outlook. This is the confusion. We can sit here and speculate why the genders do things differently or have different perspectives on sex. I leave the majority of that to social scientists. “Sex is sex, and love is love for men, and men can easily do sex with another woman while being in love with someone else.” There you go. I said it and don’t you ever forget it!

    Men do this strange behavior about sex primarily because women decide sex, but men have higher testosterone levels by far, making them want sex more. The reality is that a woman can generally easily find a man to have sex with. Men generally don’t refuse women sex. It may not be good sex but still sex. Men can’t easily get sex just by offering it, so they have to ready for when a woman decides to have sex. The coping strategy of most men is the numbers game. It’s why men innundate women with messages on the dating sites. Men operate like pollen.

    Now women know this. They like to go to the villaininzing mode when they find out men are doing this or suspect men are doing this. Now many modern women do the same. When they do it, they are applauded. I do remember the post where a woman admitted to dating three men till weaning it down to one. All the women on this board applauded her But like typical hypocrites, just the mere possibility of this guy doing the same, has put them in villainizing mode. Women of old actually got it. Modern woman wants to continue to decide sex, but seems to want to hold modern man to some twisted higher standard where he should just be a good boy and wait for her and only her, to one day deign to have sex with him.

    In finality Ms. Scaredy Cat, you shouldn’t look a gift horse too much in the mouth. You are a 39 year old single mom. The worst that comes of this is some pretty good temporary companionship, assuming you take all the precautions to avoid pregnancy and diseases. This is really just another golden vagina tale that you present where you are worried about giving it up to someone you actually like, and has been nothing but a gentleman. You are the one commoditizing it!

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  3. VJ Says:

    Yeah, since this is Ga., and since I’m one of several in my small town who still incongruously greets people with the proverbial ‘How you doin”, I’ll 2nd that we may need more info here. Who knows what’s going on? Still visiting with him on his home ground might help decide things, or at least clarify a few issues.

    But being immediately suspicious, especially from folks recently met online, is a good & natural thing. So’s some dude playing the field while his wife’s unsuspecting too. And there’s a huge upswing in inter-racial romantic relationships everywhere in the nation, even in the deep south. I’d hoped it might make us a tiny bit less racist overall in attitudes, but I’ve been proven wrong before. (And yes, this goes for the nation too). Which can be played out in many ways here & elsewhere. In the most hopeful interpretation? He’s just real eager to get his ‘freak on’, and try you on for size or perhaps even a possible relationship, who knows? But he needs to lay out his cards a bit more clearly before you might want to call him on it perhaps. Cheers, ‘VJ’

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  4. India Says:

    A man who does all the work to see you, totally head over heels, is into you (ie sexually and otherwise), wants to gets to know you and your world –
    The female response: too needy, possibly married, dump him.
    Wow.
    No wonder some people stay single

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      A man who does all the work to see you, totally head over heels, is into you (ie sexually and otherwise), wants to gets to know you and your world after 3 dates.

      But you’re right. A woman should be kicking up her heels because a man is paying attention to her. No wonder some people stay single.

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      • India Says:

        Would you prefer a guy who does not pay attention to you?
        Too many women are so used to being treated like shit, that they can not even muster up the courage to be happy.

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        • Snowflake Says:

          How is what he is doing truly genuine interest in her and getting to know her, and sharing his world with her world? Just because he drives x mins to see her, sends her text messages (sorry saying he is falling for her via a text at 2am – does not equate to HEALTHY attention), wanting/forcing the meeting of her daughter (if he was genuine he would have held off and when it did come to that months down the road ALL kids would meet at the same time in a healthy environment). Everything he has put forth is superficial and on the surface it means nothing, carries no value.

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          • India Says:

            Nothing a man can do that will convince a cynical woman. If she is set to reject a man, she will find reasons.

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            • Snowflake Says:

              You are confusing critical thinking with being cynical.

              He wants to know her world WITHOUT sharing his.
              He asked/demanded to be introduced to her FIFTEEN year old child (daughter!) after barely a week of dating.
              He is texting her at odd hours.
              He is texting her how he feels when that should be a face to face conversation.

              I am dumbfounded how you can deem any of this as he is being genuine about truly getting to know her.

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              • India Says:

                They have been on 3 dates. He has been a gentleman and doing all the driving, assuming that she is a busy single mom and can not easily do the reverse. He has not had a chance to invite her over yet – how do you know he would not? It is not like they have been dating for months, and she has never met anyone in his life. If he did invite her over, you ladies would be up in arm about how creepy that is.
                She allowed him to meet her daughter. She gave permission and said if anything was off, she would have refused. The daughter’s instant was he is a good guy.
                A text at 2 am is now a crime? He expressed his attraction – seriously what a crime!! Let us put the man in creeper jail for a simple text.
                I suggest the op and rest of you chill out an give the man a chance.

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  5. Speed Says:

    One thing I noticed is that he really seems to romanticize the “idea” of being in an interracial relationship (ex: loving the “stares” the interracial couple gets). You might want to have a frank talk with him about that. These kinds of relationships are not all fun and excitement—especially outside major cities like NYC, LA or D.C.

    An old coworker of mine went through three different Asian wives (from Asia, not the USA). In each case, after the China Doll fantasy wore thin, so did the marriage.

    My point is that serious relationships require people who are mature and can see and deal with (or at least try hard to deal with) the issues and problems involved. Of course, many interracial relationships flourish, and even those that fail don’t necessarily do so because of race. I just think that, assuming the relationship progresses, you have a frank talk to make sure he likes you as a person and woman, and not just some Brown Sugar. Good luck to you.

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    • The D-man Says:

      My ex is Chinese (we met in the US). I don’t have Asian Fever — she was the first Asian I ever dated. But when I started dating again I quickly realized it’s best to be selective about revealing she’s Asian because some women just assumed I must have an Asian fetish. It’s hard to prove a negative.

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      • India Says:

        A lot of white women feels a natural superiority over women of color. They tend to think that they are higher on the pecking order than a woman with dark skin. When they see a guy with a non-white woman, their assumption about their own value is challenged. It is eaiser to yell “that guy has a fetish” than to admit that a man may choose a woman of color over them.

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    • PhillyGal Says:

      As a woman who frequently dates outside of her race, I have begun to be able to sniff out a guy with a “brown sugar” fetish. It’s one thing to have a preference. But when someone is using you to finish out their “interracial f**ks of the world collection”…no bueno!

      As far as the sex goes…my opinions about when is too soon has developed a lot recently. Moxie is right: if he’s using you for sex it will happen whether you wait for 3 dates or 3 months. May as well do what YOU want to do, be authentic (and safe!) and let the cards fall where they may.

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  6. Trouble Says:

    That part that makes me uncomfortable, as a mom, is that the guy wanted to meet her 15-year-old daughter on the third date. That’s just…off.

    First off, I don’t think it’s a good idea to introduce your kids to people you’re dating until you know for sure that the person is going to be sticking around permanently. Otherwise, you risk your child developing a bond to them that may be broken down the road, causing your children more trauma (and you’re divorced, so your kid is already dealing with this).

    Second, the fact that the guy tried to force the issue so early is a red flag for me. There are a lot of possible reasons for it, and none of them are good, in my book.

    If he keeps pushing you to move faster, tell him that you don’t work like that, and he’s going to push you away if he keeps at it. And, keep your eyes open.

    You know something is off here, too. I think you should trust your gut.

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  7. Sunshine Says:

    I totally agree with most of the responses posted thus far, especially Trouble. It seems kind of creepy and pervy he really wanted to meet your 15 year old daughter after only a week of meeting. You seem like you have some boundaries issues (we all do, from time to time) that YOU need to address. The ball is in your court to take care and protect yourself any your child. Don’t expect him to do the appropriate thing for your benefit or even give him that power. You just met him and were living your life just fine before then.

    The problem that happens with many single moms (yes, I’m one, too) is we’ve resented being alone and also fantasized about that knight in shining armor coming to rescue us on his big, white horse. But deep down inside, we wonder are we really worth the love and attention we fantasize about because we are still alone. It’s a Catch 22 and men can sense it from a mile away. They also know the very real stigma that single moms are super easy lays who have responsibilities with their kids so will often accept the casual sex in order to have SOME type of compainionship.

    Which brings me to my next point- the race thing does bother you because you wonder why an attractive white guy likes YOU. Stop focusing your attention on other women (OMG I hate that) and focus on yourself. He wouldn’t be pursuing YOU if he didn’t like YOU. Worrying about and asking about other women is a HUGE red flag for men, which I totally understand. Who wants to date a jealous, insecure nag??? Not only is he single (so he says) but he really digs you and showers you with attention that maybe you haven’t gotten from any man in a while. I get it but I would set up some clear boundaries and let him know you need to know more about him before getting too close.

    I met a new guy barely 3 weeks ago and he came on to me like a steam roller. The caveat is he’s a divorcee still in negotiations with his ex regarding their huge home. Yeah, he’s loaded and likes to show it. He sounds like a douche, I know, but the truth is he has a big heart and just seems like a guy who wants a prtner after being single for a few years. I’ve set parameters with him and let him know his financial situation is NOT my business. I also let him know I like him as as a friend and I’m usually celibate until I fall deeply in love. So there’s no time limit but I can’t do the casual, FWB thing. I know me and that doesn’t turn me on one bit. He appears to like the fact I stand up for myself and don’t fit the typical single mom stereotype. He has backed off on wanting to spend time with my kids or letting me meet his. He knows I’m not going to be that fool rushing in just because he’s definitely considered a catch. I met him through mutual acquaintances and he’s known for being a stand-up guy. We get along, have fun doing stuff around town and I go home alone. I told him we could take a trip (he’s offered to go away on my birthday next week) after a couple of months. I’ve seen where he’s living and met a few of his friends. I do know men with personality disorders like to move FAST to confuse you, so I’m good with slowing it down. I refuse to get sucked in too fast, which makes it harder to walk away if something off happens.

    Good luck!

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    • wishing u well Says:

      I know that this isn’t the main topic but…

      “I also let him know I like him as as a friend and I’m usually celibate until I fall deeply in love. So there’s no time limit but I can’t do the casual, FWB thing.”

      Okay, fine your choice. But to follow it up with:

      “I told him we could take a trip (he’s offered to go away on my birthday next week) after a couple of months.”

      Seriously? So you’re really going to go away with him but still be on Team Celibacy? Isn’t that a bit delusional unless you guys have your own separate rooms? And even so, isn’t that over the top? You come off like a serious tease here and maybe a little selfish….the type of woman who makes it hard for those who are sincere. Please tell me that there’s more to it than this because it seems as if a lot of mixed messages are being sent here….

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        No, see…she’s different. She’s not like all the other pathetic easy lay single Moms. She has standards! And he respects her so! much! that he’s going to take her away for a weekend and not want sex. At all. Not a tiny bit.

        Hate to break it to you, dear, but the fact that he’s inviting you to go away is kind of the opposite of respecting your boundaries. And PS? You’re not different or special. Mr Rich Dude likely has plenty of options. Of which you are just one.

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        • Sunshine Says:

          Wow….

          I forgot how insecure, nasty and misogynistic the moderator of this blog is! I have too much joy and confidence to even go there with her. Needless to say, it’s same old tired rehashing of women not deluding themselves that they’re “special” and being a “tease” because they have enough self-esteem to refuse to lower a clear cut boundary spelled out very clearly in the BEGINNING. Nope’ sorry you can’t gaslight me into thinking there’s actually something wrong with my beliefs. Yep, I think I mentioned he’s a catch so he definitely has options. But… Surprise! So do I! So if he’s not cool with my boundaries and beliefs then he can make the right choice for himself. He’s a big boy!

          And as far as taking a trip and having or not having sex, I don’t think I said I would absolutely
          NOT if you read what I wrote. I said I don’t have casual sex. So, obviously, if we’re taking a trip we are fairly serious. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there and if he’s not okay with it, we won’t go away together. Really, it’s simple. Stop making this harder than it is.

          I’m happy, he’s happy and I don’t care if other people take offense to my stance. It works for me and it’s why I’m NOT single.

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          • wishing u well Says:

            Sunshine, I addressed you with respect. Kindly do the same. As you seem to have overstepped the obvious, let’s break it down, shall we?

            Recap:

            1. You have been dating this guy 3 weeks. (Not even a full month yet, which is 4 weeks.)
            2. You guys aren’t exclusive, keeping your options open.
            3. You say that you are celibate unless you’re in love with a person. (Interestingly enough, you make no mention of whether or not said person is also in love with you).
            4. An overnight trip has been planned by you 2 months in advance to which he agreed.

            My originating point was not about your beliefs being “wrong.” It’s about being consistent and having your actions match your words / beliefs.

            “And as far as taking a trip and having or not having sex, I don’t think I said I would absolutely
            NOT if you read what I wrote. I said I don’t have casual sex. So, obviously, if we’re taking a trip we are fairly serious.”

            First of all, how serious can you be if both of you are choosing to keep your options open? He asked you for an immediate trip, and you countered with a trip a couple of months down the road. I believe that you proposed this option with the assumption / hope that this guy is vested and is interested in getting to know you in a serious capacity, as you are him. That may be what you meant by your counteroffer, but only you are on that page. Not him. For him, a trip is just a trip. An overnight trip with guaranteed sex on the agenda. That is all. Men think differently than women. Never forget that and apply it here. That test / assumption of “he wouldn’t agree to a trip with me 2 months in the future unless he were serious about me” is not effective, as one has nothing to do with the other. His yes to the trip isn’t something that you should take as seriously as you are. I get it, you’re about building the “we” but it’s putting the cart before the horse. If you aren’t exclusive, then you aren’t serious. Pont blank. And if you aren’t that serious, he’s not in love with you. Furthermore, there’s no guarantee that he will “be in love with you by that point.” So why do this to yourself? Frankly, if he has the money you say, taking trips with women is just casual dating on a higher financial level. And let’s also remember that his saying “yes” to a supposed trip in the future is not binding. You’re getting vested. Him? He has yet to prove that to you. After all, it has only been 3 weeks. And he’s already ignored your “celibate” stance by attempting to pull that immediate overnight trip in the first place in spite of what you said. So no, he doesn’t respect you yet. Respect is earned, and it requires consistenly having your actions match your words.

            Now let’s talk about you. It is abundantly clear that the relationship has not organically developed between you to the point in which an overnight trip would be appropriate, based on your standards of “no casual sex.” And as ADULTS we know that if a man asks a woman for an overnight trip that he is dating, then sex is on the menu. Right? Right! You have basically promised him guaranteed punanny in 2 months – and it was YOUR idea! So come on here. You haven’t communicated “celibacy.” You’ve communicated that you are trying to make him jump through a hoop to “prove” himself down the road. A poorly constructed one at that. You aren’t 18 or even 21 – you are old enough to know better than this. At your age (I’m assuming that you are over 30) you are expected to have a level of sophistication and maturity about you. Instead you are going into this willing weird denial that women do, and it isn’t going to change things one bit. I’m honestly trying to get you to see your inconsistencies because they will keep you single. The guy won’t respect you and you are setting yourself up for a potential pump and dump. Don’t do it. Don’t do it.

            This is another version of the “overwhelming interest” approach. This guy was pushing meeting your children? Yet you aren’t exclusive? And now he tried to take an immediate trip with you? I’m going to quote my earlier advice above to you as it applies here as well. Do NOT schedule or go on an overnight trip unless you are willing to have sex with him AND you are also truly okay with the possibility that this guy may just disappear soon afterwards. If this immensely bothers you, then perhaps you’re someone who shouldn’t have sex outside of a relationship. Good luck and I wish you well.

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          • wishing u well Says:

            P.S. If you guys are still keeping your options open….then you are technically, still single. Maybe single and seeing someone, but single nonetheless.

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            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              She thinks that because she’s been dating one man for a whole 3 weeks, she’s now not single. Adorable. Not only that, but she thinks they’re serious. Oh my God. How tragic.

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        • India Says:

          I recall moxie once bemoaned never having been on a weekend trip with someone. Perhaps something sunshine mentioned there touched a nerve.

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  8. Craig Says:

    I’ve been in situations before where I had sex too fast or allowed someone into my world to quickly and it messed everything up.

    Sex happening too fast isn’t what messed everything up. The fact that the guy just wasn’t into you is what messed everything up. I’m tired of telling women that a guy who truly likes them will stay no matter what and a guy who doesn’t will leave no matter what. My wife fucked my brains out two weeks in. Did I think her a slut and dump her? Nope. She rocked my world, so I put a ring on it.

    I just don’t want sex to mess up the friendship. And again, I have only physically met him 1 week ago. Is this guy really interested in me or does he just want me for sex? I don’t want to mess this up but I don’t know how to differentiate between what’s real and what’s not??

    Again, sex doesn’t mess up relationships. People playing games or simply not liking each other is what messes up relationships. No one can answer the question of whether this guy is interested in the OP or just wants her for sex. Unless anyone here can read minds, there’s just no way to know. What the OP wants is no risk – a guarantee if you will. Sorry, that’s just not the way life works. There is always inherent risk of being hurt when you date. The only way to eliminate that risk when dating is the same sole method of eliminating the risk of pregnancy while having sex – by not doing it at all. Since that’s not an option, you have to take that risk. Every time.

    As to how can one differentiate between what’s real and what’s not, I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words. So far this guys actions make it seem like he’s sincere – if perhaps a little too overly enthusiastic and clingy. After only a week of knowing the person (the 2 weeks emailing before meeting in person don’t count), there’s no need to worry about sex yet. The dude wants sex, but he’s likely not expecting it yet. So what’s the rush? Date the guy for a month and see what happens. That’s a good amount of time to get to know him and see what he’s really about. Thirty days was always my drop-dead timeframe for when for when sex was expected, so I think most well-adjusted guys can wait at least that long without issue.

    Lastly, I can relate that this dude loves the way people stare at the two of them and that he thrives off of it. I can relate, because I feel the same way when people stare at me (black/caucasian/native american mix – appear Latino) and my Chinese wife. We’re a walking fuck you billboard to those backwards people who still care about such things in the 21st century and we take pride in it. So his sentiment on that is not a red flag for me. He’s simply proud of not being a bigot.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

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  9. Deborah Says:

    I have had guys come on too strong in the beginning, and then lose interest really fast after all. They come on too strong because somehow they think they need to. It’s a tactic. It’s a way to lure you and convince you. But actually they don’t like you as much as they are making it out to be. They are merely ACTING like it, even though it’s a genuine act, they are doing it for a real purpose probably they aren’t aware of. What it really is is: They are trying to make YOU like THEM. Once they get you liking them more than they like you, they have conquered you, and the whole challenge is over and they have had the ego boost they need. Because some guys really feel like they NEED to come on strong to make a woman like them. Or else they do it to get you into bed quick. By making you think they like you more…it makes you feel like opening up too, and it plants the idea into your head that you are supposed to go at this pace, and get into bed quick, which would be the whole point. Other than that, I don’t know. I think probably the only other reason is that some people just need extreme amounts of validation. This is how men chase dear. It’s natural. They get really excited at first. Enjoy it because it doesn’t tend to last that long. But don’t get pushed into a pace you feel uncomfortable with. You are perfectly fine, and he will respect you if you slow things down. If he doesn’t respect you, it means he wanted to purely get down your pants. so good riddance! And if he hangs in there, you are probably going to end up with a great boyfriend.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1

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  10. No Games Says:

    I resent the fact that the ATWYS feels that a man SHOULD have GAME in dating. Why can’t people just be honest and show their feelings and desires when they happen? Sometimes it takes me a long time to like someone. Sometime I feel an intense chemistry or spark RIGHT AWAY and I just go with it. I don’t hold back, and more importantly I DONT PLAY GAMES. I have no patience or tolerance for games. So because of this if I feel strongly right away I should be dumped? Huh? That is ridiculous. In this letter the writer is feeling it too, she is just scared of being hurt. What she SHOULD do is just keep seeing him and see how things play out naturally. Don’t sleep with him for awhile if you are scared. If he is genuinely interested, he will stick around. But don’t just dump a guy because he is straightforward and honest that he wants you. You could be missing out on the perfect man for you. It isn’t necessarily desperation, it could be that you are making him feel what he has been looking for so unsuccessfully for so long. Games SUCK.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      I DONT PLAY GAMES.
      Claiming you don’t play games is, itself, a form of Game.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Why can’t people just be honest and show their feelings and desires when they happen?

      Because it’s a strategy that is designed for failure and results in frustrated, whiny comments like yours. Having a little Game in dating is the social lubricant that allows time for attraction to build. Claiming you don’t play games and just should be able to put it all out there and be “honest” is the same lament as “why doesn’t she like me for just being me???” The answer is probably because “just you” isn’t all that interesting or attractive and being direct and honest is usually interpreted as being “creepy.”

      But don’t just dump a guy because he is straightforward and honest that he wants you. You could be missing out on the perfect man for you.

      Not likely…

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