Here’s Why People Don’t Reply To Your OKCupid Messages

Below is an actual email that one of my Profile Review clients sent to a woman on OKCupid. Allow me to point out just why an email like this is a big mistake.

[Printed with his permission.]

Hey there, XXXXXX (Hey! Like the Katy Perry song!)

So, I’m not that good at writing emails to strangers, but bear with me. I like that your ambitious, and I respect that you know what you want, in life and in a man. Also, good call on Malcolm Gladwell- I should be reading more of him. You sound really cool, and I have a feeling there’s more to you than your looks, but let’s see if you’re actually as interesting as you are online :-P

I’ll bet you’ve gotten about a dozen emails from half-literate muscle jocks saying nothing more than “hey baby, whats up”. Hopefully I’m more refreshing than that.

Now I’m not one to talk about myself that often, but I’ve been called an ambitious gentleman scholar, and I’ve also been called a rapscallion. Word on the street is I’m cute and quite funny, and maybe a bit of a charmer, but I guess you’ll have to make that decision for yourself. Although if you don’t like to laugh, I think we’re in big trouble.

Anyways, worst comes to worst, you might make a cool friend, so let’s get together for a drink/coffee sometime…

-XXXX

 

Hey there, XXXXXX (Hey! Like the Katy Perry song!)

Let’s start with the greeting. First off, no man should be able to identify a Katy Perry song. The only thing about Katy Perry that a man should be able to recall is her spectacular breasts. Making matters worse, this particular guy had a line in the opening of his profile about how, if he were a handbag, he’d be the woman’s Hermes purse, but not her Coach bag. Everybody see where I’m going with this? Good.

The problem with an opening like this is that it’s too “Hey, Girlfriend!” Women aren’t joining dating sites to find new pals. By starting off like this, a man is pretty much throwing himself into the Friend Zone.

“So, I’m not that good at writing emails to strangers, but..”

But nothing. Clearly, he is good at it. The client remarked that he often would get responses from women commenting on how great his introductory email was. Well, of course they’d say that. He prompted them to do so by being so self-deprecating. Use of self-deprecation, if not done correctly,  makes you sound like you’re pandering for compliments. Uh oh. Someone’s needy!

You sound really cool, and I have a feeling there’s more to you than your looks, but let’s see if you’re actually as interesting as you are online :-P

I realize that he’s teasing her, but your first email to someone online isn’t the time for this. Since it’s almost impossible to detect or decipher tone in writing, it’s risky to use teasing or sarcasm because you might end up coming off dick-ish or offensive. The same goes for “sass.” Yeesh. Every woman who describes herself as sassy should buy a cat now. I don’t think I need to highlight why the :-p is a bad move, do I? Emoticons and Lol’s should also be left out of these emails. The sender ends up coming across juvenile.

I’ll bet you’ve gotten about a dozen emails from half-literate muscle jocks saying nothing more than “hey baby, whats up”. Hopefully I’m more refreshing than that.

Once again, he’s prompting the women to compliment him on his approach. As I’ve always said, when someone compares themselves to the rest of their gender or tries to separate themselves out from the rest of their gender, that’s not a great sign. Truly confident people don’t have to plant seeds of doubt about others. They should be able to stand on their own.

Now I’m not one to talk about myself that often, but I’ve been called an ambitious gentleman scholar, and I’ve also been called a rapscallion.

Use of words like “rapscallion” are meant to sound clever and witty but usually comes off pretentious and like you’re trying too hard. Here’s a good rule of thumb…don’t talk like Oscar Wilde. Nobody wants to f**k Oscar Wilde or Jane Eyre.

Word on the street is I’m cute and quite funny, and maybe a bit of a charmer, but I guess you’ll have to make that decision for yourself. Although if you don’t like to laugh, I think we’re in big trouble.

Yes, let the recipient of your email decide if you are witty, charming, sexy, etc. Telling someone how they’re going to feel or think is not the best way to start off a conversation. Nor is it wise to be this egregiously self-promotional.

In my opinion, this email makes the guy sound weak.

I’m sure there will be guys who say I’m being judgmental. [No shit. Have we met?] I am being judgmental. Know why? Because people are judgmental. I’m just as certain that there will be women who read this and think it is a perfect example of what men should say in their messages. In my opinion, the women who find an email like this appealing are looking for nothing more than a BFF. We all know why women almost universally require that the man make a reference to something from her profile. That “proves” that he’s not just looking for sex. Personally, I find those strategically placed mentions disingenuous. A simple, ‘Hey, I liked your profile. Drop a line back if you’d like to chat” will suffice.

Finally, and this is important, so listen up. Follow directions. If a man or woman says they’re looking for someone within a certain age range or distance from them and you don’t fall within those parameters, don’t reply. Nothing – and I mean nothing – gets someone who emails me blocked faster than if he believes the rules don’t apply to him. Okay, sure. You’re 42 and the person says they’re interested in meeting people 30-40. It’s just 2 years, right? Wrong. I will bet money that the main reason why so many people send out message after message and get no response is because they blatantly ignore the expressed parameters in someone’s profile. What you’re saying when you pay no mind to these stated criteria is that you believe you’re different or special. I can assure you, in the recipient’s mind, you’re not.

If someone lives in a major metropolitan city and you live in a suburb, I honestly wouldn’t bother contacting them.

If someone says they want kids and you know you don’t, move along.

If a person shares their love of fitness and health and you’re, well, out of shape, let it go.

If you can’t be bothered to post a real photo to your profile, contact others who don’t have pics.

If you don’t feel like following the basic “rules” of online dating then keep your expectations in check.

You’re welcome.

 

 

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49 Responses to “Here’s Why People Don’t Reply To Your OKCupid Messages”

  1. LostSailor Says:

    Agree on the salutation. Trying too hard to be cool. I usually don’t even bother with a salutation.

    Other than that, the whole message is one huge session of qualifying himself to her. One Game concept is to “assume the sale.” You shouldn’t be trying to sell yourself in a message: the message should be about her.

    We all know why women almost universally require that the man make a reference to something from her profile. That “proves” that he’s not just looking for sex.

    Don’t agree with this one. I always reference something in her profile. It’s not to show that I’m not just looking for sex, but that I’ve actually read her profile and not just looked at her pictures. The purpose is to engage her interest in some way, beyond what you’ve put in your profile. The simple “drop a line if you’re interested” seems pretty weak to me. I also always include a question about something in her profile to encourage a response. Not that it always works, but the first impulse, however fleeting, should be to want to answer the question.

    The other issue is that this message is way too long. It shouldn’t have gone on more than the first paragraph.

    Other points:

    You sound really cool, and I have a feeling there’s more to you than your looks, but let’s see if you’re actually as interesting as you are online :-P

    Don’t issue a challenge in your first message. Of course she’s as interesting as she is in her profile. All women are, ‘natch. And lose the emoticon. Just don’t use them. Don’t.

    Anyways, worst comes to worst, you might make a cool friend, so let’s get together for a drink/coffee sometime…

    Don’t put yourself in the Friend Zone before you’re out of the gate. Now you’ve put the idea in her head, if you do get a date, you’re going to have to work that much harder to get out of that zone. And don’t go to the offer of a drink (and don’t start out with coffee; lame) in the first message. It should be assumed that you’re contact her with the intention of getting together, so wait until she’s responded and you’ve exchanged a handful of messages so she’s at least a little invested, then go for the first meeting.

    Grade C-. Needs work.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 31 Thumb down 3

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  2. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    My online emailing principle is short and sweet, along the lines of what Moxie suggested, though I’m not a cold-caller, as I’ve discussed here ad nauseum. Basically, my guiding philosophy is that either the woman is “interested” or she is not. If I say “hi, I like your profile” and she doesn’t like that simple hello? Okay, I will live. I don’t want someone who is half-assed interested to “give me a chance” because I read and profile and filled in the Mad Libs form sufficiently that I’ve passed her multilevel tests. That’s the recipe for wasting (my) time. A woman that WANTS to meet me (and whom I want to meet) will respond to “hello” and won’t care so much about the tests. I also think that, in general and in my experience, sensible women respond to you based on your pictures and your profile and won’t reject you for using a simple, straightforward hello. The woman that squeal about need more and their rules on the Internet are the outliers- mostly false bravadio, in my opnion.

    As I’ve said before, I do believe that mutual attraction is not just discovered but must be actively created. But, I’m just not convinced that “selling one’s self” in an opening online email is the time or place for that. You need to establish some common connection and mutual inteerst before you can launch into your game., whatever that may be. Just my view.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 25 Thumb down 13

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  3. Trouble Says:

    Totally makes the guy sound weak, like he’s begging for her attention. A contact on a dating site, in my opinion, should be short and to the point: “You sound interesting. I also like _____ and _________. I would like to meet you.” That makes you sound confident in your own judgement, shows that you actually read her ad, but doesn’t come across as trying too hard.

    This e-mail is the epitomy of trying too hard.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1

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    • Eliza Says:

      Not only is the email “trying to hard”- but full of stupid cliches. nothing worse than cliches. When you read “I am a hopeless romantic”–ugh. Or “people tell me I look younger than I am”–(no–you look as old as you are) — and let people who ultiimately meet you be the judge of that. Or life is too short, let’s meet. Or worse yet….”what you see if what you get”. Very typical language, and very vague. Please guys, no lines required. Just be your genuine self. and Yes, speaking negatively about others to make yourself shine, will only make you look insecure and self-absorbed (not good in terms of leaving a great impression). Don’t challenge women initially. Moxie, makes some valid points here. And lastly, don’t state that “I have never been on-line before” or “I am a novice at this, and am not great at writing about myself”. You HAVE BEEN online…like the rest of the free world, since online dating has been existence for at least 2 decades. And yes, you have written many profiles. You just may need to enlist the expertise of someone who knows what to leave out and what information to include. Be “GENUINE” – any intelligent woman can pick up on a disingenuous man.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 3

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  4. mrcrassic Says:

    That *introductory* email was way too long, somewhat contrived and has “bad date” all over it. If one’s emails in the online dating world reflect real world personality, going out more would help a lot.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

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  5. ivan Says:

    i dont like online dating because every woman has a check list you must meet. i use to write to woman refering to there profile to show i was interested in there interest and ideas. but moste woman dont reply. so i started pointing out every flaw the woman has just to be a dick. for instance if woman wear makeup in one pick and no make up the next i will point out how horrid they must look in the morning. to be honest a woman should wear less makeup so you see what she actually looks like.

    now i meet woman in person. i do better using pick up artist ideas because it works. i can figire a womans persona faster to see if i want to spend time with her again. i think all guys should use pua styles to meet wooman. it works like science and you have more fun then going online.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 51

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    • LostSailor Says:

      i dont like online dating because every woman has a check list you must meet.

      Every woman, not just online, has a checklist you must meet.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 2

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      • Trouble Says:

        Let’s not pretend that men don’t have a checklist, as well. Men use their own internal checklists to determine if women are “girlfriend material” or “FWB material” or “even zombie apocalypse wouldn’t make this chick bangable.”

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 27 Thumb down 1

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        • LostSailor Says:

          Trouble, I never said men don’t have a checklist. It’s just much, much shorter…

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 14 Thumb down 6

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          • chillybeans Says:

            There was an email being sent around a few years ago, with both men and womens checklists.
            The womens checklist went on forever, ie “he has to be handsome, he has to have a good job, he has to be tall, he has to bring me flowers when I’m down yada yada yada.

            The mens checklist was:”Please send me a nympho who owns a beer store”

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 5

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        • LostSailor Says:

          Oh, and the Zombie Apocalypse makes most non-walking-dead chicks bangable…

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 3

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      If your messages to them are anything like your comments, then women likely aren’t replying because of the lack of proper punctuation and spelling and poor grammar.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 38 Thumb down 2

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      • ivan Says:

        I was trying to respond with my cell phone. But my grammar is bad and so is my spelling. i wont deny that. I think i speak better then i can write. I say i do better hooking up with woman from learning seduction science. The only thing is seduction science doesnt really do well for online dating at least for me. But then again does it really matter how I spell here or use my grammar here? Are you guys gonna beat me with a stick and leave me naked bleeding to death for miss spelling? Im just kidding :) my computer does help me with my spelling. But not so much my grammar. plus now with all this generation of texting lol brb ttyl I mean soon no one will spell correct.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 22

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        • Eliza Says:

          Ivan–I hate to break it to you–but there are plenty of women that pay attention to the manner in which a man communicates. Secondly, texting non-stop is not appealing either. Especially when using acronyms and emoticons. Not a good strategy. Just saying. Again, this depends on the type of woman you are looking to impress.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

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      • The D-man Says:

        Likely true, but it’s a bad strategy. Once you are dating someone, how often do you write to each other? What if he’s dyslexic? Dyslexics who stay out of fail tend to be fabulously successful – Charles Schwab, Tom Cruise, many more listed at this site: http://www.dyslexia.com/famous.htm

        That’s just the famous people. A disproportionate percentage of entrepreneurs are dyslexic.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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        • India Says:

          A disproportionate number of idiots do not realize the irony in their own comments: on one hand accusing women of being too picky, and on the other, criticizing women about the amount of make up they wear.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 0

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        • Trouble Says:

          My husband has an engineering degree and is 1 class short of his second master’s degree. He’s got an IQ of around 150 (based upon his GRE scores–a test for which he didn’t even bother to study). He always typos in e-mails. I hate bad grammar, I think it makes people look uncouth and uneducated, but I’m glad I didn’t stop corresponding with him because of a few typos.

          Although it looks like Ivan is shooting for some sort of record (which makes me think he isn’t a native English speaker).

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

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    • Eliza Says:

      Ivan – Wrong! So sad you feel this way. Any worthwhile, intelligent put together woman will run in the other direction if she is spoken to that way. Online or in person. Any self-respecting woman is not impressed with pua lines or attitudes. They want a man that is confident, yet not cocky – and approachable and not so full of himself. When a man has it together, and is secure in himself and his accomplishments and where he is in life…he doesn’t need pick-up lines, nor does he have to emphasize on what he possesses, what title he holds, where he lives. He knows he has great qualities and knows that the lady will eventually see him for who he is. He doesn’t need to “sell himself”–or become a “dick” as you so eloquently stated. You have so much to learn about being a gentleman. Or perhaps you are not looking to meet women of a certain caliber.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

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      • Tai Says:

        We know, we know. You want an impossible and wholly unreasonable shell of a man. We get it! Jeez.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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  6. Rick Says:

    I sorta see a sweaty, nervous Steve Buscemi character behind that email.

    Slightly off-topic:
    “Finally, and this is important, so listen up. Follow directions.”

    I follow that rule very strictly, but what about when women don’t follow their own directions and contact you even though you don’t fit their parameters?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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    • Kristen Says:

      I think if someone has certain parameters in their profile, but they went out of their way to contact you, then they saw something that really jumped out at them. At least, that’s what it is for me.

      But, when I get emails from men who are 10 years outside of me preferred age range, I just delete. I try to keep my range pretty large, so someone who is 10-15 years outside of my age range is 20+ years older than me.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

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  7. Diana Says:

    I think that that same man contacted me at some point and my skin crawled even then. I often wonder how many people fall for those kinds of emails. I’d like to think most people are smarter than that.

    And as far as the age think, I agree. I can’t possibly count the number of times a man put in his profile he was 40 and he was really 50 or above. You meet them and they expect you to be like, oh, okay. So you’re only a decade older than you stated and closer to my mother’s age, but, hey, I like being lied to!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 2

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  8. RM Says:

    I agree with much of what has been said here already, especially by Trouble. In my experience with online dating, keep the initial email short and reflect that you’ve read the recipient’s profile. Also, do not lie on your own profile or disobey the recipient’s rules.

    Guys keep making a fatal mistake both online and offline – they keep qualifying themselves to women. It is essential to let the recipient self-qualify once they receive your email / interest. Let them read your profile and react accordingly. Meanwhile, you should go build a fantastic life and let it speak for itself!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

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  9. Aaron Says:

    I agree with most of this except the strictness of the “follow directions” part.

    Checklist dating does not work. Real life does not work like that. Real relationships do not work like that. Parameters, restrictions, and requirements, are secondary to general attraction. In my experience, even if you do not exactly meet seemingly-concrete parameters put out there, it may not matter. (How about height for example? How many women REQUIRE a guy over 6′ but end up accepting that 5’10” guy, who is nevertheless still taller than them?)

    Age is similar… what is really being sought is a certain standard of living/acting that generally goes with a certain age range. In my experience this is a major area of “compromise”.

    I’ve never let a few concrete restrictions that would “rule me out” stop me if there could be a major jibe on other aspects. Often times this has led to dates or more.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 1

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    • Eliza Says:

      Aaron–exactly. For instance, do I prefer a man with hair over a bald guy–sure. any day. But guess what? I have recently met a guy (in person) casually–while out with friends…and he and I just connected–he is bald! yet his personality just won me over, and there is this inexplicable “chemistry”. Go figure. Checklists – on whatever it may be – lifestyle, finances, looks, heights, etc. usually go right out the window–when you meet someone you just connect with.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

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  10. WO7 Says:

    I wouldn’t advise any guy to strictly adhere to the “directions” they see in the profile. If you like what you see/read; then write. You have nothing to lose.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 4

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  11. Adrienne Says:

    I received an email last week from a guy on OKCupid who, after a few emails back and forth, sent me a YouTube link of a Ted and Robin (How I Met Your Mother) montage and said, “This is what I want my romance to be like!”

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

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    • D. Says:

      A doomed relationship, undermined by the fact that the two people involved are so dramatically wrong for each other? Best of luck to him…

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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  12. The person who wrote that letter Says:

    Can I just point out, for the record, despite all the (very reasonable and making a whole lot of sense) criticisms here, that this girl actually wrote back to that!

    I’m just sayin’.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

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  13. Loyaltease Says:

    Why wouldn’t you reference material from her profile? Why did she put it in there if it’s not important to a potential relationship, and thus to be explored? How do you create interest with “Hey, I want to meet you”? Your average neanderthal can write that. Is there anything there to differentiate yourself from the pack of howling wolves outside her door?

    I say the guys intro was just right for him, as long as he’s being genuine, though I think the “cool friend” line came from David DeAngelo. I doubt that many men have any more time than I do to be hangout friends with women. Anyway, the women who find this attractive will probably be a good match for him. If you’re doing it right you’re not trying to attract the world, you’re trying to attract your match, or at least a few good prospects.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

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    • D. Says:

      In general, I agree. It’s better to be yourself, be confident in who that is, and let the chips fall where they will on the assumption that, if someone’s really gonna dig you, it’ll be because they like who you are.

      But that said, there are more and less effective ways to do that. The email above has an overall tone to it which, to me, speaks to a lack of confidence. The bit about the muscle-bound jocks, the “make a cool friend” aspect, all of those presuppose that she isn’t or won’t be interested, and this guy is trying to convince her otherwise.

      Screw that.

      Better to go into things assuming you’re on equal footing, rather than assuming you have an uphill battle ahead of you. This removes the need to “advertise” yourself in the email in quite so overt a way. You have a profile for that. Let it do the advertising for you. That’s what it’s there for, after all.

      I agree on the “point out things from her profile” bit, though. But it should be genuine. If you can get across that something resonated with you about her profile and why, it’s a hell of a lot better than just “I like that thing you said, too! See? I’m paying attention.” If there’s nothing in her profile that stood out to you…then chances are you’re just writing to her because you think she’s hot, not because you think you have a lot in common. In which case, you’ve got nothing to lose by just coming out and saying “Your pictures are stunning. I’d love to find out [XYZ things] about you,” and then maybe ask a question or two. If it works, great. If not, who cares? She’s just some girl you thought was hot.

      As for your choice of vocabulary, syntax, etc., eh. I think that, again, it comes down to what’s genuine. I write the way I speak, and I assume most other people do, too. If my style is a turn-off to someone…better that we both know it right from the get-go. It’s not like I’m going to be able to hide it or change it. So, if you go for verbal flourishes, I say don’t be afraid to show that fact. If short, direct, sentences are more your style, go with that. Just don’t force it.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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  14. The person who wrote that letter Says:

    Here’s a question I just thought of, too… How old is everyone here? I feel like younger girls are less confident, and more likely to respond to the type of message I sent out, just out of intrigue, if nothing else. And being that I am in my mid-20s, and most of the girls I date are within the 19-25 range, I feel like that makes them more likely to respond, whereas if I were in my mid 30s, and dating girls in the 29-35 range, they wouldn’t be as amused.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      This makes sense to me. What is not clear, though. is whether the outcome would have been any different if you just sent her an email that said “Hey, what’s up? I like your profile.” We can never know. People like to believe that every outcome is a result of something they did right. Sometimes, the outcome is just not so much in your control. As I said above rather incoherently, the woman is either interested in you based on your profile (mostly your pictrues) or she is niot – I don’t believe that what you say, or don’t say, in your opening email matters all that much. Thats been my experience.

      My personal view is that your email is overthetop and corny and, at the margins, that would likely do more damage than help you. That’s the only problem.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

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  15. critic Says:

    Well, you are basically saying I’m fucked because I live in La Center, Washington, and have to (have to) look for girls in Portland, because, well, I’m afraid that I just don’t match up culturally with the hinterland religious rustics that I have in my immediate vicinity… (oh yes, I just used “pretentious” language… scaarrry!)

    But anyway, aside from this, I don’t know how anyone is supposed to manage the amount of time and mental energy it takes to sort through all the rhetoric of so many comments… but anyway, maybe I should get back to my primary musing.

    Why should I pay you for any help with my profile? Shouldn’t this kind of, in a way be done by commision? You help me out first, and then will see if it actually works. I don’t know, it seems like you are profiting off of this internet dating as well, and that immediately strikes me as unseemly (which is my interpretation of dating sites as well). I mean, what obligates you or gives you incentive to provide good service? And what experience do you have?

    Anyway, I have Asperger’s Syndrome, so I lack some intuitive social processing (thus, difficulty with communicating over dating sites)… but I am very analytical, and it just seems to me that literally naming the site off of a phrase that appears to be immediately demeaning to potential clientile strikes me as a hack of a sort of; you’re depressed, I can fix your problem so easily because I’m inexplicably so much better at this then you sort of attitude, so pay me. So why should I fucking pay you? Get some people together and make it free, get your money off of ads, and then we’ll talk.

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  16. GH Says:

    The problem with this whole online dating, it can be a waste of time for some people. There are so many reasons why people never respond back. Sometimes the people you emailed may not be actual people on those profiles. In other words, it is possible those profiles are fake. Of course there are people who are not into you no matter if your email is polite. What can you do about it? Move on! Don’t change yourself for those people. Just move on. Also, some people are too busy to respond, and they may respond later. But, there are so many reasons why people never respond.

    When it comes to people sending emails, there are some who are totally sick perverts of course. Even there are some who are just trolls sending out bad emails as a joke. You have to understand that trolls are everywhere on the internet, and they would say anything to put someone down.

    As for profiles, I have seen unpresentable profiles from some of the men and some of the women. Also remember, just because a person has a well written profile or email, does not always mean that this person is mentally stable. You could meet that “stable” person in real life, and he or she may turn out to be a kook.

    Just becareful! Online dating is not always the best solution. Of course, a few people successfully found special people on those sites by luck, but most people don’t. It never hurts to meet people in real life while you are out shopping, going to parties or whatever. Just becareful!

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  17. me Says:

    “I like that your ambitious”

    *you’re* not “your*

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  18. Homer Says:

    Women don’t respond to messages because dating sites a cheap ego boost for them. The guy could look like Brad fucking Pitt and they’d still be getting ignored.

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  19. WhatsTheDeal Says:

    This is the creepiest thing I’ve ever read. And I mean the guy’s email, this article and most of the comments. To the author – your opinions regarding “online dating” are so trivial and sad. All of this just illustrates how sick the whole online dating culture is. You are essentially hooking up with complete strangers yet you spend hours developing all of these nuanced opinions and rules to try and justify to yourself that they aren’t strangers.

    Just go out to a bar and have a one night stand if you are that lonely. And if you are actually seeking a meaningful relationship – stop emailing with random guys. Look in your life, friends, and social circles for someone you actually care about. And if no one you care about exists in those places – be alone. Love may or may not find you in the future but your approach is twisted.

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  20. Perikles Says:

    I’ve been online talking to, and occasionally meeting, both men and women, for friendship and more, since 1996. I’ve put up my fair share of online profiles, which have ranged from useful to useless, and learned a lot in this long process. The above opening gambit, in my experience, would tell me immediately that the guy in question has a *lot* of issues, and that he’s going to be more trouble than he’s worth. He betrays a lot of insecurities, not to mention the fact that rhetorically, he repeatedly implies that he’s putting himself down, which further implies that he’s one-downing himself. The guy who wrote this also writes himself into a corner for those who know what to listen for, which is that he has no expectation whatsoever that this letter will end positively; if he can somehow convince the woman to even meet with him, the closing line that mentions the sad, defeatist outlook of being friends tells her that he knows he’s whipped before he even begins. This poor, sad man. He could be writing with what’s left of the money from at least one divorce, but what this letter tells me is that he’s seen defeat after defeat, and he’s prepared to lose again. It’s just such a sad letter, but there’s also such an underlying tone of bitterness underneath the false sense of bonhomie. I was thinking to myself as I read this, “just be yourself,” until I realized that he probably is afraid that his *real* self is too off-putting, so he’ll be fake-happy and fake-self-assured instead. This letter just left me feeling sad for him.

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  21. Mike Says:

    I like how everything in this article is about “what the guy can do to be a better messager.” It says nothing about:

    – sometimes the profile is fake. The girl is in a relationship, she just wants the attention
    – sometimes the girl feels intimidated by how awesome you are
    – it is not always what the guy says, but sometimes the girl

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  22. Brandon Says:

    This is why I think the best method is just to ask a question about something they mentioned in there profile, like literally just “Why do you like reading Cosmo?” and that’s it, nothing else. Easy to write. Easy to read. Easy to answer. Doesn’t come off as too eager, desperate, generic, let’s you play the numbers game, etc.

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  23. Lele Says:

    > Women aren’t joining dating sites to find new pals.

    If this is the case then why almost all women’s profiles — at least in my area –list “new friends” in their “I’m looking for” section? Maybe this is why women often emphasize their preference for men that know what they want: there had better be someone in the couple that knows what he wants and she unconsciously know that is not going to be her.

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  24. Bree Says:

    If you’re unattractive or have cagey photos (like your main profile pic is your head turned to the side wearing sunglasses partially in shadow, etc.), or gross photos (like stuffing your face or your dog macking on you) nobody will bother replying, no matter what you wrote. This goes for men too. Don’t think “women aren’t visual” and that your witty profile alone will get you noticed. Women like young, fit, attractive men. You need to be attractive with CLEAR photos that show it. Not blurry, far-away shots of your back standing on a cliff, or on your motorcycle wearing a helmet (sure sign dude is ugly and short). Figure it out.

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