Your Place or Mine?

Last night one of my Favorite Online Dating Coaches, @GeeksDreamGirl, asked me my thoughts on whether a client should list Connecticut or NYC as his location. He lives in CT, but he works in NYC.

I told her that he should say he lives in Connecticut. It doesn’t really matter that he works in NYC. At the end of the day he travels home to a whole other state. I’m sure many people will say that disqualifying someone for this is being too picky.

Hold that thought. Here are reasons why this would be a problem.

1. Dates would need to be scheduled around train or bus schedules – No big deal, right? They can catch the 10:40 train back to Jersey or Stamford, so no biggie? In theory, you’re right. It’s no big whoop. But picture it. It’s the first or second date. You’re having fun. Conversation is flowing and things are getting cozy. Then they look at their phone and say, ‘Shit! I have to get to Penn Station.” Buzz kill.

2. They can’t drink or need to watch how much they drink – I’ll say it. Boooooo! You can’t catch a good buzz or enjoy your cocktails because your date doesn’t want a DUI. Dates that involve cocktails and laughing and groping and flirting are the best dates. When you’re too concerned that your blood alcohol level will go over the legal limit, it’s hard to just kick back and have fun.

3. There’s little spontaneity - Nothing beats meeting someone at 8:00 for drinks and then heading to dinner or a movie unexpectedly. You can’t do that when you they have to hit the road and watch their alcohol or have to be home by X time so they can be up the next day at dawn for work. A 45 minute alteration in plans wouldn’t be so bad if you lived in the city. But when you’re taking a train or driving into the city, that 45 minute delay could end up requiring you to cancel.

4.The city dweller does most if not all of the hosting – This is my biggest concern. This is why I don’t date full-time single parents or people with long commutes. I don’t mind having sleepovers. I just don’t like having to be the one to do it all the time. Sometimes I don’t feel like cleaning up my apartment or running to the store because I’m out of coffee or eggs. In the past few months I’ve been moving furniture in and out and and getting renovations. I’m not having someone back to my place unless I plan on a) sleeping with them and b) letting them stay the night. I would never invite someone over and then kick them out. It’s rude and disrupts the flow of a date/blossoming relationship. I’m extremely lucky that I have a very large studio apartment. I’ve been able to get rid of some pieces of furniture and add new ones and create more space. I can be on my bed working on my laptop and someone can sit at my desk and do their work and not feel cramped. I enjoy sleepovers. I just don’t like having that responsibility always be on my shoulders. I enjoy having the option of spending the night/weekend at a man’s apartment. It’s like staying in a hotel.

5. Reality is delayed - There’s only so long that someone can hop a train or sit in traffic or fight for parking before they wonder if it’s worth it. Why someone would want to endure a multiple hour drive every week just for two days or romantic bliss is beyond me. I honestly believe people who choose these kinds of relationship like having two worlds between which they can float. They like the affordable rent of where they live and enjoy the small town vibe. But they also like the hustle and bustle of a bigger city. It’s like a mini-vacation. Could the relationship survive if things were more permanent and one party wasn’t traveling back and forth? Not likely. The relationship works because the two people are constantly in the honeymoon phase.

6. It’s an excuse to have sex -  Give someone a reason to bring someone home – especially someone who needs an excuse to have sex – and they will. Kind of like booze. How many times do we hear women say that they had sex with a guy because they had had a couple glasses of wine? (Note: I am in no way including situations where a woman can not legally consent to sex in this scenario.) If you’re someone who has sex on the first or second date and then regrets it or freaks out over it, don’t put yourself in a situation like this.

Despite what people think, working in the city and living in the city are not the same thing.

 

 

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77 Responses to “Your Place or Mine?”

  1. Howard Says:

    All seemingly very valid reasons why things should not work. But then again, it’s still better than long distance, like say NYC-Boston. or worse yet, NYC-Miami.

    I do believe, we in NYC are victims of our own thinking, where our imagined wish list hamstrings us. Commuting is a place where there are always going to be time contstraints. It is actually more difficult for him to date someone in Connecticut, because he is in NYC all the time, and he likes the social environment of NYC much more than Connecticut.

    So who is he doing this profile for, himself or his potential date? In the end, he is doing it more for himself. He should list himself as NYC. He should make clarifications about his commuter status somewhere in his written profile. Not every woman in NYC will disqualify him. You may, and you are entitled to that.

    Let’s look at your list of objections.

    1. Dates would need to be scheduled around train or bus schedules.
    2. They can’t drink or need to watch how much they drink.
    Not every person in NYC revolves their mindset of excitement around alcohol and bars.

    3. There’s little spontaneity.
    Think how much more powerful it is, if he actually misses a train.

    4.The city dweller does most if not all of the hosting.
    Well this has to be an issue addressed fairly early, where people’s preferences about hosting and space have to be clearly stated and respected. There are always weekends at him. And nothing is carved in stone about where people continue to live. People commute for a number of reasons. One is saving more money for later when they make that big plunge into living closer to work or that special person.

    5. Reality is delayed.
    The reason someone would endure the commuting issues, is because he endures it for his job all the time. Nothing in life is as cheap or free as we imagine. We are always making hard choices. And the ultimate reality about a commuting guy like this, is that he is always going to be in this position anyway, because he really really does prefer to date someone from the city. He doesn’t plan on going out with the girl in CT. If he makes the decision to end things with someone, it’s because of the typical issues people end things, not because of commuting. The woman he breaks up with, may clutch at straws, as people do in break-ups, and imagine the commute did it.

    6. It’s an excuse to have sex.
    There is free will. Sex is not a bad thing really. Need I say more?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 1

  2. AP Says:

    I’m in total agreement with you on this one, Moxie! Yeah, it seems shallow to eliminate someone for being geographically undesirable when they aren’t really that far away ….but in my experience, nothing ever takes off in this kind of situation. You will have 3-4 dates, and they can be great, but because of all the factors stated above, it never leads to anything more.

    Heck, I will say this even about Hoboken and Jersey City. I live in downtown Manhattan, and every guy will claim it’s only a 10 min PATH ride in. But the same issues above re-surface. PATH trains don’t run as frequently at night or on weekends, so scheduling a date, getting back to catch a train before they become infrequent, not being able to stay out too late all add up to killing the mood.

    Dating in this city is complicated enough without adding all of these commuting factors to the equation!

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 9

    • Eliza Says:

      I completely agree with Moxie and AP…especially in NYC, where a workday doesn’t necessarily end as early as 5 or even 7 pm. Who wants to commute on a train so late at night? Not safe. Or have to start spending on $40-$50 taxi rides. For some people, they can’t just drop that kind of cash to get home after a date. It gets expensive and tiresome, just to commute to/from. In order for a LTR to blossom and continue on that path, time to be together is necessary…and perhaps not extreme spontaneity–but a little bit of it is necessary to add to the fun of getting to know someone. Especially if neither one you have children. I can understand if someone is a full-time single parent, then, of course scheduling plans may be the only option. I guess any situation can work out with compromising…and if a great person lived far away, one may go to great lengths to be with that person.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

    • Eliza Says:

      AP-it’s all relative…what is not far away for you–may be a great distance for the next person. And it’s all based on other circumstances. Some people have crazy busy, work schedules. So distance is that much more of a factor to consider. Spending sufficient time is important….that is, if you want to get to know someone more than just on a surface level.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

  3. Trouble Says:

    It all just adds up to personal choices. We all have our list of priorities. If having someone live nearby is a priority, just bear in mind that you are taking a lot of potentially desirable and available men off of the table as possible dates. For women in their 40s, it seems to me like limiting the available pool of men is a bad idea, but I’m not from NYC.

    FWIW, my husband and I lived 45 minutes apart for most of the 4+ years that we were dating. My house is kind of in the middle of nowhere, but he drove his ass there most weekends and stayed. I never minded hosting, I loved having him there and getting to enjoy spending the night with him. Picking up the house was kind of a pleasure because I was anticipating him being there with me. Our lives aren’t very spontaneous and they’re highly scheduled because of my kids, so he was the one who was always having to work around my lack of spontaneity. I also think he sat through at last 50 high school football games with me, as well, because my daughter was in the marching band (and our team lost 90% of the games, too). He always limited himself to a beer or two on weeknights, because until we’d been dating for a couple of years, he always drove home and didn’t spend the night (my kids were there).

    Wow, I really don’t sound like a very good catch, do I?

    I guess what I would say is that if you want to be in a long-term relationship, or married, when you meet someone worth keeping, you will find ways to make it work. Not being able to have many drinks doesn’t seem like a big sacrifice when you’re spending the evening with someone you think is wonderful. Spontaneity isn’t as important in my world as stability, ethics, intelligence and kindness.

    To me, it sounds like you are only willing to be in a relationship if it is completely on your terms, which says to me that you really don’t want a relationship as much as you want convenience, freedom, spontaneity and privacy. There’s always a trade.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 40 Thumb down 1

  4. DS Says:

    I live in Westchester and dating in the city hasn’t really been a problem. I use the trains, so no DUI issues. Yes, the last train back is around 1:30 AM and I get home by 2:30, which is tough on work the next next day, but it doesn’t happen every night.

    For the people I’ve dated, being at my place over the weekend is a great escape from the city. Plus being able to drive into upstate NY or CT for day trips. That combined with me staying over a night or two at her place in the city during the week makes for a lot of together time.

    It certainly doesn’t lend itself to spontaneity very late into the night, and I’m sure many women may have screened me out because of location, but it hasn’t dented my social/dating life in any shape or form.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      And how long did these relationships last?

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 19

      • DS Says:

        6-12 months. And the breakups didn’t have anything to do with location in any of these. There were other behavioral/personality/long-term-goals type disconnects that we couldn’t work around, which could happen anyone, even if they were both living in the city.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          6-12 months? Then you really have no idea whether the distance affects your relationship. You’re just assuming it didn’t. I wonder how many of those women met men who lived in the city and so they decided they no longer wanted to do the commute.

          Tell me…how long did the relationships you had with women who live in Westchester last?

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 29

          • India Says:

            6 to 12 months – those are real relationships. How many NYC relationship even last through 3 months?. If a woman can handle a commute, she would have bailed before the 3rd date.

            Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 28 Thumb down 0

        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          Ballsy claim. I’d like to see the regression analysis where you’ve somehow proven that the distance and commute were not contributing factors to the demise of your relationships.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 7

  5. chris Says:

    I live in jersey city- not technically the suburbs- but i can tell you that no one gives a shit. at least not at this age circa 40. If you really are dating someone based on where they live maybe it’s time to grow up! a lot of the 5 borroughs are much harder to reach than jersey and westchester…..where is the acceptable boundary?? it used to be that moxie would say brooklyn, yes brooklyn, was not ok. nevermind that LES is closer to brooklyn than it is to UWS. typically when i meet someone who lives on the upper east side they are embarassed about it. should I not date them because they live in an unhip part of manhattan??

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      .where is the acceptable boundary??

      Anywhere accessible by a cab or subway in under 30-40 minutes. People do give a shit. They just don’t tell you why they’re ditching you because they don’t want to sound shallow.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 16

      • India Says:

        Just a few posts earlier, I recall moxie writing – quite poetically – about making investments and sacrifices for relationships. This was reference to her father.
        A train ride or a drive is the least of so many potential sacrifices that we make in relationships. Those who can not over look a commute, in my view, would not be great life partners any way. If a men or women isn’t willing to hop on the train for 45 min to see someone, what can you expect out of this person when real life hits?

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 41 Thumb down 3

        • L Says:

          At least someone is smart about relationships.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

        • wishing u well Says:

          “If a men or women isn’t willing to hop on the train for 45 min to see someone, what can you expect out of this person when real life hits?”

          EXACTLY

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 24 Thumb down 0

      • Howard Says:

        Ok Moxie. Let’s get back to the reason for this article. It;s about this guy meeting someone. It’s about him. It’s really not about what some forty something year old Manhattanite would want.

        He wants to date someone close to his job. It could also mean another commuter but the key is someone who is close to NYC most of the time, because that is his real status. During the week, all he does in CT is sleep there for the most part.

        If he wants to give himself the best chances of achieving his objective, he has to list NYC as where he lives. Most of his waking hours are spent connected to NYC. Listing himself as living in CT sabotages his efforts.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          It’s about him. It’s really not about what some forty something year old Manhattanite would want.

          Unless he’s dating himself, it’s not just about him, nor is it about the finickiness of women or men who live in Manhattan.

          If he wants to give himself the best chances of achieving his objective, he has to list NYC as where he lives.

          Well, if that’s the case, then he can do what many of us manage to do and, like, live here. Sell his car, get rid of the car insurance. ditch the Easy Pass, lose the train fares and gas prices which all have to come close to making up the difference between what he’s paying in CT versus what he’d pay in Manhattan for rent…and he can live here. Or he can date in CT. By living here, we’re sacrificing. We don’t try to have our cake and eat it too. So, you want to date us? Move here. What’s that? The noise? The rent? I want to own property? It’s so expensive? Yup, all true. But we adapt and sacrifice trees and back yards and money because we choose to live here.

          If he says he lives in NYC and doesn’t, and doesn’t reveal that to the woman before they meet, he’s finished. Why? Because then he’ll be a liar! He’s cheating! He’s hiding something! Omigod Mary-Jane, what else could he be lying about? He’ll be dragging a woman out under false pretenses. He’s not shaving a couple years off his age or adding a couple of inches to his height.

          Every one of these whiny complaints is ridiculous, as even the people living in Westchester and Jersey don’t want to date people outside the city. They’re all from people who truly believe the distance and commute had absolutely no affect on their 6 month relationships. Or they’re from people who are all butt hurt because they’ve been rejected because they feel entitled to have the Jersey personal life and the Manhattan social life.

          We reject you because we can.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 12

          • Howard Says:

            You reject him and many like you reject him, but this post is not about that. You started the post. It’s about him finding someone close to where he spends most of his waking hours.

            Unlike you there are enough women that don’t have a problem with him being a commuter, given the female responses so far. He is after the women of that thinking. Given the female responses here, I fail to see your insistence on your position based a mere subset of his geographical target. He is not looking for you and those who think like you.

            This is the classic seeing things out of one’s own eyes. Because I don’t go after seriously overweight women, trending towards 300 lbs and a lot of guy feel the same way, should these women stop looking? Hell no, some guys like women exactly like that.

            I would bet you there are more women, in NYC, comfortable with the guy commuting to CT, than guys going after women trending towards 300lbs.

            Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 0

    • L Says:

      You know what? Where is the acceptable boundary in Manhattan! Some people are located far enough away in Manhattan that someone from Westchester or CT or NJ could conceivably be at their dates’ doorstep in less time.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

    • LostSailor Says:

      typically when i meet someone who lives on the upper east side they are embarassed about it. should I not date them because they live in an unhip part of manhattan??

      I’ve lived on the UES for many years, and now you tell me it’s unhip! I never realized all this time I should have been hanging my head in shame about my neighborhood.

      But I did live in Brooklyn for a year or so back in the late 80s and in East Harlem for several years in the mid 2000s. Does that salvage any street cred…?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

  6. Kay Says:

    Totally agree with Moxie. I live in the city and when approached by men from the burbs, I make it clear that the distance will be an issue; its a deal breaker. I don’t have a car and would feel horrible if he had to do all (or the majority) of the commuting to see me. And as Moxie mentioned, I’d have to host all the time, which isn’t ideal.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 12

    • L Says:

      Why take it upon yourself to feel horrible? Maybe he won’t mind, and maybe he will be worth it!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

      • M Says:

        Exactly. If he’s the one who would have to do all the extra work of commuting, shouldnt that be his decision as to whether its worth it or not?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

  7. Mary Says:

    I think it depends on where the person lives. I dated someone that lived in CT and it was actually a nice break from the city and it only took about 50 mins by train to get there. He loved to spend time in the city as well, so it worked out nicely. I don’t know if I would date someone that lives further away by train than that though as it just becomes a total pain in the ass. I also don’t prefer to date people that live in NJ as the trains to/from NJ are much more unreliable than MTA, Metro North and LIRR. I lived in Jersey City for 5 years and it used to piss me off to no end how long that damn Path train took to go such a short distance. I had people tell me then that I was geographically undesirable and I totally understood. As for being honest about where someone lives, it really doesn’t make sense to not tell the truth. It’s important. I don’t want to call up a real estate agent who advertises an apt on the upper east and find out that it’s on Roosevelt Island any more than I want to meet a guy that said he lived in NYC but is actually in NJ.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

  8. L Says:

    All silly reasons. Seemingly spoken by someone who it would appear has an endless supply of quality dates and quality people. A shame. Because in the end, when you open up your mind to meeting someone and you’re not being ambivalent or looking to protect yourself, you are more likely to end up meeting “the one”. And “the one” could come from the city, or could come from the burbs. Once you meet “the one”, you will realize how these were really all silly obstacles that you put into place … if he/she does happen to come from the burbs. Lastly, once you LIKE someone? You realize how unimportant these things really are.

    In terms of specifcs, they can all be addressed and dealt with. Most of all, by the fact that you are probably going to eventually start sleeping over each other’s places, and you are probably going to end up moving in together. So if there is any “inconvenience”, it is only going to be temporary. And then, you have the best of both worlds for some period of time … you have a place to live in in the city, and you have a place in the burbs to “get away” when you want to. Also, many couples end up marrying and moving out of the city anyway. The whole premise is ridiculous and wreaks of self-entitlement: “I’ve gotta have it yesterday or else I don’t want it” and “I’ve got no patience to let love develop … if I can’t have it the exact way I want it and expect it, I’m not interested … even if I’m bypassing someone GREAT … and even if I’m bypassing the person who was meant for me”.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 1

    • Howard Says:

      Great piece, L, I surely thumbed you up. But this guy and I, don’t give a rats ass about what Moxie and the women who think like her, feel about us. There are enough women in NYC that’s cool with it. I can typically get to most people’s apartment to pick them up for a date faster than most guys who live in Manhattan and don’t drive. Yeah, how about that being more convenient; and I can get her home in less than 15 mins after a date. Some smart women like that door to door service.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

      • L Says:

        Thanks, Howard. I just don’t get it.

        The problem is, this issue (and others like it) are pretty pervasive amongst how many women think. And seeing it here (just as seeing superficial treatment of dating on SITC or the Bachelor) is almost a ringing endorsement that it’s “ok” to think that way. Granted there are women who are smarter than this and women who think independently. But there are many who let their desires be driven and governed by the media, in some cases without even realizing it. Good luck to you … good luck to all of us … in finding those special women who are willing to look past silly excuses on why not to date someone.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

      • Eliza Says:

        What about men that live in NJ – and don’t have a car or drive?!!! Is the woman expected to chaffeur him all over the place, and do all the driving, and commuting?! Wow. That must be somewhat emasculating, and unfair to place that entire burden on a woman…or man for that matter. I understand having to compromise. But there is a certain degree where one becomes a human doormat. Is it fair that a woman have to do ALL the hosting. Because some man in his 40’s – is living with momma? Where does one draw the line? I fully agree with what L said. For the “one” there should be a great degree of open-mindedness. However, if someone lives more than an hour away – one way–and their work schedules are long and unpredictable…how does a couple spend quality time, let alone any time, in order to develop into a meaningful relationship? Anyone?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

  9. cb Says:

    It works both ways. I live in the suburbs of Boston. Dating someone that doesn’t have their own car and/or does not have off street parking is a bit of a hassle. Not a dealbreaker but certainly not ideal. There are plenty of places in ‘Boston Proper’ that are tougher to get to by car or bus/train than where I live in the burbs. I also don’t know that I hear this much among people from Boston compared to people in NYC.

    In NYC, it also seems to be more a common way of thinking among people that live in Manhattan that the rest of the 5 boroughs. For example…if you live in Queens…is’t it just as easy to get to LI as it would be Brooklyn? Could there be some snobbery among Manhattanites?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

    • Howard Says:

      I lived on the Upper East Side, and it took me 40 mins to get to work at Wall and Pearl by way of subway. There was a long walk from York Ave to the Lexington Ave. line, maybe ten mins. There was a long walk from Broadway to Pearl St, maybe five mins, when the train got to Wall St.

      I then moved to Newark , NJ. By way of Path train, it would take me less time to get to Wall and Pearl in Manhattan. Given that I needed my vehicle for work, because of all the deals I was suddenly doing in the boroughs, I got a vehicle and drove in, using a monthly parking spot, fairly close to my job. The net result was maybe 35 mins at most to work by car, sometimes it took 25 mins. The cost of paying for parking next to my job and living expenses in the Newark area were less than 50% of my living costs of living in Manhattan, and dealing with parking both next to my job and next to my place on the UES. The deal breaker was having to pay $400 per month to park a 1/4 mile from my apartment, vs parking for free outside my front door in Newark.

      The funny thing was that my UES friends, who didn’t have a car suddenly took longer to get to places, than I, after work. There is plenty of free available parking after 7pm in NYC, and in some cases even after 6pm. All of a sudden, they want a ride home from me after we finish hanging out. I tell them to take the subway and bet them that I am going to get home before them. I always win those bets. It’s actually all a snobbery thing about being on the UES. I once lived there, so I know all about it.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

      • LostSailor Says:

        So, now living on the UES is snobbery? I’m confused. I thought it was unhip. Lost the car in the divorce; well, she kept custody, but I retain visitation rights.

        There’s a cost to living in Manhattan. You have to realize it and face it. It’s still where I want to be.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

        • Howard Says:

          Living on the UES is not snobbery. The snobbery is the mindset of some people regarding other people who don’t live there or any part of Manhattan.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

        • Eliza Says:

          Who cares…if the UES is viewed as snobbery. If you are snobby or come across as that…you will make a good impression. A zip code does not impress me. Manners do. I personally don’t see the importance in living in Manhattan. I know some people do it thinking it will help them with dating…and guess what? I didn’t! I never lived in the city–and yet men that did, and actually ended up moving into Manhattan. Did I enjoy it–sure. But it’s not all that. It’s convenient, tons of places open 24/7, but for me–it’s the company I keep that makes it fun.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

    • Eliza Says:

      All I know is…when I did meet someone from Manhattan–I was expected to constantly drive in from Queens…and then had to manage to find parking (not easy) – regardless of where in Manhattan I was going to meet him. Eastside, westside–same ordeal. And if I agreed to meet him after work–and we stayed out late…that would mean I would incur a nice taxi cab fare of approx. $40 just to get home safely…so I didn’t have to take the lovely MTA home at midnight or beyond (with all the derelicts). How fair is that? So, yes, it can be problematic and a lot on a woman to do that – especially initially. And it’s a turn off with a man doesn’t even offer to come to say, Queens to meet for a drink. I take the dreadful trains ALL week to get to/from work…I certainly don’t want to be a straphanger on the weekends. Especially for dating purposes. It kills the moment. I guess it would depend if the man living in NJ or Manhattan was thoughtful enough to meet me half way, and not be some entitled prince where I had to drive him everywhere or be the designated driver always. It makes a difference.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

  10. wishing u well Says:

    I ran across this article awhile back that I thought might be interesting for the purposes of this discussion:

    http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/you_go_girl_out_to_burbs_for_real_YIM2AfWnI2w6yXIXCe3I9I

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  11. RDB Says:

    I think this is one of the flat out lamest hangups to have. I live in NJ, and I’ve had long term relationships with women who live as far away as Brooklyn. One of them lived in Canarsie, which is as far away as you can get and still live in Brooklyn. I won’t lie and say that I would do THAT again (LOL), but a couple of your points above warrant the following comments:

    1) “Conversation is flowing and things are getting cozy. Then they look at their phone and say, ‘Shit! I have to get to Penn Station.’ Buzz kill.” <– Does that ever really happen? The guy just spontaneously says, 'Shit! Hold the phone! Gotta go! Bye!" That's ridiculous. Assuming the guy didn't drive (which would be a better option (see below)), one would hope that this would be worked around, or planned for. It's not a big deal. And if he's that irresponsible that he just suddenly realizes he has to go, then he probably wasn't someone you want to be with anyway.

    2) "[Because he has to drive home,] They can’t drink or need to watch how much they drink ." Ummm… just so you know, outside of Manhattan, almost ALL dates on EARTH occur between people who are driving. Somehow, many of the 99.524% of Americans who live outside of Manhattan find themselves in relationships that work out despite the need to drive places. Two people who live in Indianapolis don't seem to have to worry about it; why should it be a problem here? And why wouldn't someone want to watch their alcohol consumption on a 2nd or 3rd date anyway?

    The rest of your points are similarly short sighted, and of skewed perspective. I think you're kinda reaching here, and whatever the real reasons are for ruling out people from outside of Manhattan, these ones here are really not very good ones.

    For the record, I usually drive into the city when I go out (I live & work in NJ). I drive because when it's time to go home, it's much faster to get home by car than from a slowed-down train schedule. But I find that I enjoy dating less if I'm too drunk to retain what I'm learning about the person. So I really don't have to worry about DUI. If I hang out there anyway, there's really no reason not to be able to date someone who lives there. Besides — and this is the real deal — IF THE DATES END UP LEADING TO SOMETHING MORE SERIOUS, YOU PROBABLY WON'T BE LIVING APART FOR VERY LONG ANYWAY. Just a thought.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 28 Thumb down 0

  12. HV Says:

    I live in Orange County, and I had a boyfriend who lived in lower Manhattan. This relationship lasted over 5 years, and we still visit each other after 10 years as best friends, despite the distance and the fact that he moved even farther away to Long Island.

    I think the distance actually helped our relationship, since we enjoyed our private time during the week. We would then take turns going to each other’s place for a the weekend (starting on Friday night), and it was a refreshing change of pace for both of us.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

  13. LostSailor Says:

    Different people will have different comfort levels. My comfort level is for local only. I draw the line pretty much at Manhattan. Inwood or Battery Park are even iffy. I get a lot of visits and messages from women outside NYC, and I usually don’t respond.

    I fully recognize that I am limiting my potential dating pool. But that’s my comfort level. If it limits my options, I’m fine with that. While I loved being married and do want a future relationship, I’m also comfortable in my own skin and my single life. I make no apologies for my choices. Even my choice to live on the apparently simultaneously unhip and snobby Upper East Side…

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the only people complaining about how short sighted we are and how the commute isn’t a problem are the people who, you know, don’t live here. Also interesting is they’re all speaking for their Exes and respective hypothetical girlfriends. You know, the ones no longer in the picture. But not because of the commute! Nope. There were other reasons that had nothing to do with that.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 15

      • L Says:

        Actually, the people who not complaining are the people who (may not realize it but) are not really interested in a LTR or who are avoiding LTRs. Making excuses and putting up barriers are good reasons for that.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

      • WO7 Says:

        I don’t know how many years I’ve watched Moxie try to justify this elitist Manhattan snob prejudice of hers.

        If you were honest with yourself, you would admit it for what it is.

        This blog is about helping people eliminate road blocks they create for themselves in their quest to find a life partner. This is clearly one of those road blocks. Where your date lives has no bearing on whether this is a person you should consider spending the rest of your life with or not.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Where your date lives has no bearing on whether this is a person you should consider spending the rest of your life with or not.

          Oh really? Let’s take M. for example. He recently submitted a rant about how many fo the women he dates seem too career focused. Hmm..it seems M. also appears to frequently date women who live in a major metropolitan city and not a suburb. Now, you’d have to be fairly dense not to see the correlation between those two factors. He doesn’t understand why women might be so career focused. He also lives in a suburb. His mindset does not align with those of the women he dates. There is an example of a fundamental incompatibility, the outlier of which is the fact that he lives in a suburb and the women live in the city. But he’ll probably continue to date them and bitch about how ambitious they are. You want someone not as ambitious? Date someone who lives in a suburb.

          You can stomp your feet all you like. You’re another who bitches about women wanting to go to expensive lounges for first dates and how you repeatedly get tossed aside once you’ve bought them a few dinners. Yet you continue to date women from Manhattan. While I don’t agree with women taking advantage, that’s the mindset of the typical Manhattanite – we expect things to be costly. But then you meet a girl who – GASP!- gets a tattoo and you’re still complaining.So spare me your little soliloquy about how narrow minded and elitist Manhattanites are.

          What it comes down to, love, is that you’re actually attracted to the idea of how elitist we are, because if you can snag one of us you can feel better about yourself. You keep telling yourself that the fact that you live in Brooklyn with roommates doesn’t severely compromise your love life. Hate to break it to you, but your audience given your circumstances are the Tattoo Girls. Deal with it. Enough with the “it’s sooooooooooooooo expensive! I wanted to OWN something” bullshit. Plenty of people of modest means manage to buy apartments here.

          I’m DYING to hear of all the women Howard dated when he lived on The UES who lived in Jersey and Queens. DYING. I also don’t see you slagging on Lost Sailor for having the identical opinion. Nope. Just the women. I;m sure that has nothing to do with your bitterness about repeatedly being blown off and used by women who live here. But you’ll continue to date us.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 6

          • offensivedan Says:

            WO7 is Howard?

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

          • WO7 Says:

            Ah, and there’s the rub. I have never, and will never shown a preference for Manhattan women. It is baffling how you come up with these baseless assumptions. Out of my last 4 serious Gf’s 1 was from Jersey, 2 from Brokkyn, and 1 from Manhattan.

            Unlike you, I realize that a person’s location has no bearing on how good of a match they will make for me. When I date, I look for people literally anywhere public transportation goes. I have dated lots if women from NJ, Queens, Brooklyn, and Manhattan. I have gone as far away as CT, Westchester, and Long Island.

            Sure, I’m not going to waste time with women who I have no desire to consider for serious dating if they live over an hour away. But I will take the risk of the 1st or 2nd date in a far off locale to see what the potential is .

            It’s actually amazing how out of touch you are. I think it’s a reference to your age, where you still think Manhattan is THE place to be. Living in Williamsburg trumps the boring sludge that comprises the UES. Then you have all the people living in Harlem and Washington Heights trying to pretend that it’s half as nice/convinient as the average and nice neighborhoods of Brooklyn.

            Do you live in Soho, the West Village, the East Village, or Chelsea? No? Then STFU. No ones gives a shit that you live on York and 90th at the absolute boarder of the UES, which is THE default cheapest acceptable neighborhood in Manhattan.

            What does living in Brooklyn or Queens say about a person? It says they aren’t a complete fuck up with $0 net worth, living paycheck to paycheck, all so they can feel superior to the people who actually have their shit together.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              Unless they have tattoos, amirite?

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              York and 90th at the absolute boarder of the UES, which is THE default cheapest acceptable neighborhood in Manhattan

              I actually live a little bit lower than that, but you’re right. That’s exactly my point. I found a place that is very affordable and in a great neighborhood with everything I need within a 15 minute walk. My location has often led to me being excluded from dating men in Brooklyn or even the West Village. So be it. I don’t live here for the status. I live here because I have everything I need within minutes of walking, even in bad weather. You assume the reason many of us live here because we like to say we live in Manhattan. No. We live here because we value our time. So much so that we actually pay for more time by paying the rent most of us pay.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

              • WO7 Says:

                Good try at a zinger Moxie. Except I do date women with tattoos. Your memory appears to be getting fuzzy on details.

                There is nothing in the UES but mediocre restaurants, douchy bars with douchy guys, mediocre shopping, non existent culture, and a bunch of people who accept a mediocre lifestyle just so they can say they live in Manhattan. You get more convinience and a better lifestyle in Williamsburg, Brooklyn Heights, Park Slope, Carroll Gardens, and many other Brooklyn neighborhoods.

                That’s just the reality. If someone wants to live up there…more power to them. But you make yourself seem like a pathetic shallow elitist when you RENT in a marginal neighborhood in Manhattan, have no net worth, and still find the balls to look down on the people who live in the outer boroughs.

                The fact that you have to constantly justify it, and can’t be self aware enough to admit it, is sad. Look at the comments on your Board. Overwhelmingly against your ridiculous prejudice.

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

                • LostSailor Says:

                  York and 90th at the absolute boarder of the UES, which is THE default cheapest acceptable neighborhood in Manhattan

                  At least you’re good for a laugh, man. Completely wrong, but amusingly so.

                  East End Avenue and Sutton Place would be a farther east boundary than York. And the northern line has been at 96th Street for more than a decade.You obviously haven’t been to the UES in quite some time. There are quite a number of excellent restaurants, and more opening all the time. There are two new restaurants, one recently opened and one opening next month, right on my block. Talk about out of touch.

                  I have many friends who live in Williamsburg and visit often, but I wouldn’t want to live there for all the too-cool hipsters. I’ve lived in Park Slope and found it rather stiffling. If I wanted to live cheaper, I’d live in East Harlem, and I have. Shopping? Lots of quirky stores on some side streets and completely rebuilt blocks of East 86th Street in the last 5 years.

                  Do you live in Soho, the West Village, the East Village, or Chelsea? No? Then STFU.

                  No, I won’t. This is just more pseudo-hipster bullshit.

                  That’s just the reality

                  No, it’s just one more douchy opinion. An opinion I couldn’t care less about.

                  But you make yourself seem like a pathetic shallow elitist when you RENT in a marginal neighborhood in Manhattan, have no net worth, and still find the balls to look down on the people who live in the outer boroughs.

                  Awww. Has someone had his little feelings bruised for living in an outer borough? Get a clue. No one give a crap where you live; it doesn’t make you more hip or some sort of special snowflake. To think that the UES is “marginal” is just delusional.

                  The UES a great place to live but it’s no more “special” than any other neighborhood in New York City. I’ve lived here off and on for many years and I moved back here from East Harlem because I have long-time friends and community here. I make a conscious choice to limit my dating to mostly Manhattan because it’s more convenient for me. If you disagree, go shout at a mirror because I couldn’t give a shit.

                  But I do have to wonder what has enraged you so about the UES. Couldn’t score up here? Had your heart broken? Were humiliated by someone in a bar? Whatever it is, you’d probably be happier letting go of it.

                  Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 4

                  • WO7 Says:

                    “No one give a crap where you live; it doesn’t make you more hip or some sort of special snowflake.”

                    Are you paying attention? Cause you’re trying to argue against me by making the same point I was making. It doesn’t matter where you live. Moxie is the one who’s arguing that if you don’t live in Manhattan you should “stick to dating your own kind”. I was just giving Moxie a reality check that the UES doesn’t give her some kind of get out of snob jail free card. Living in a 200sqft studio paycheck to paycheck with no savings doesn’t make you a “Manhattanite”. It makes you a pathetic wannabe.

                    Most people want to think they’re better than someone. The west village people look down on the UES. The UES look down on the outer boroughs. The outer boroughs look down on the suburbs. Then there’s those of us who don’t give a fuck, and are smart enough to realize that your current location is one of the most temporary things about you, and doesn’t define you or our compatibility at all.

                    Oh, and stealing Moxie’s “special snowflake” line makes you look like a pathetic fan boy.

                    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

                    • LostSailor Says:

                      Of course I’m paying attention. Unfortunately, you’re not actually making the argument you think you are.

                      First, Moxie never made the argument that Manhattan is “better” than another locale or that people who live in Manhattan are superior people, or even that people outside of Manhattan should “stick to their own kind.” The simple fact is that most people tend to date locally, just because it’s easier. If someone wants to take on the extra logistics of a longer-distance relationship, they should be aware of the extra effort and not complain about it later. Many people have posted here about successful longer-distance relationships.

                      I was just giving Moxie a reality check that the UES doesn’t give her some kind of get out of snob jail free card.

                      Moxie seems to be quite well grounded without your expert help. And your assumption of Upper East Side snobbery is your own invention.

                      Most people want to think they’re better than someone

                      Your comments paint the impression that you certainly think you’re better. You clearly have a chip on your shoulder about upper, easterly Manhattan and you counter your straw-man of Moxie’s supposed elitism with an elitist argument of your own. To quote: “Do you live in Soho, the West Village, the East Village, or Chelsea? No? Then STFU.” and “You get more convinience [sic] and a better lifestyle in Williamsburg, Brooklyn Heights, Park Slope, Carroll Gardens, and many other Brooklyn neighborhoods.”

                      Your comments show a vast ignorance of the UES and elitism on Brooklyn. Great! You heart Brooklyn, so you must be better than Manhattanites. Even if hipsterism is on the wane. It’s a grownup thing, you probably wouldn’t have heard about it.

                      Oh, and stealing Moxie’s “special snowflake” line

                      More evidence of cluelessness and ignorance. Moxie didn’t invent the phrase, it’s been used for years around men-oriented parts of the web. I grade the ad hominem a C-. Needs work.

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 3

                    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                      Living in a 200sqft studio paycheck to paycheck with no savings doesn’t make you a “Manhattanite”. It makes you a pathetic wannabe.

                      Do you even own an apartment? What are you going on about? If you’re saving all this money and have such a high net worth..why do you live with roommates?

                      Congrats. You have a savings account. Pretty much everybody I know here (including me) has one of those with substantial balances, and we don’t live paycheck to paycheck. Some of us pay our own way and live modest lifestyles (*waves hand*) and some of us travel and spoil our dogs with expensive toys. We’re not squatting in run down apartments. Hon, this isn’t Rent.

                      I can live here, run my business, pay my bills, add to my savings and still enjoy a modest life that I pay for on my own. That’s a choice. I keep trying to impress upon you that the majority of people who live her do so for the convenience. We prefer to date people in Manhattan because, time wise, that makes sense to us.

                      You’re trying to combat perceived elitism with elitism. Clearly, you think people who own their apartments are better. Though it’s not even clear why since you don’t appear to own based on things you’ve shared. You keep using the “I save money!” excuse. Well, you’ve been saving money for years. Why do you still have roommates?

                      I couldn’t care less about renting vs. owning or dating someone in Harlem. I care about convenience. And those bohemian, open minded not all posery Williamsburgers? Laughable. Most of them won’t even venture above 14th Street. Most people prefer someone nearby or relatively close. That thought is not exclusive to people who live in Manhattan.

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

                    • Brad Says:

                      “Some of us pay our own way and live modest lifestyles (*waves hand*) and some of us travel and spoil our dogs with expensive toys.”
                      Hey, wait! I resemble the 2nd half of that remark.

                      “Do you live in Soho, the West Village, the East Village, or Chelsea?”
                      Of these, I *only* live in the East Village. With my spoiled boxer.

                      “There is nothing in the UES but mediocre restaurants”
                      You MUST be kidding. Café D’Alsace isn’t mediocre by ANY standard. It is a beer destination for people all over the world. I’m a beer lover and I didn’t know the word ‘Cicerone’ (beer sommelier) until I went to CDA.

                      I don’t usually get involved in these threads because something about them seems to drive the outer borough residents mad. The economics seems pretty simple – space is traded for time and vice versa. Personally I prioritize my time, and not just in my commute. If someone else values space I think it’s fine and hold no anger towards them.

                      I do ‘date’ girls from outside of the city, but none have ever moved up to ‘girlfriend’. They usually like having a guy they can come see in the city – we go out to nice dinners, they stay at my place and have a short commute to work the next morning.

                      One quick note on the jabs at Moxie’s apartment – she has the 2nd best real estate deal I know of in NYC. I have one friend whose city building went co-op and he was able to buy for less than $10k. His is the best deal (amongst my circle of friends), hers in the next best deal. If I were her I would *never* leave, no matter how much money I made.

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

                    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                      she has the 2nd best real estate deal I know of in NYC.

                      Seriously. Try 600 square feet, sep kitchen and bath in a tony neighborhood with a park nearby and every possible thing I could need at any given moment, including my doctor, in a great building and I pay about $500-$700 less than market value. Why would I *ever* give this up? No roommates, no rent hikes, no chance that I’ll be ousted because a landlord thinks he can get market value plus. And I have a nice savings account to boot.

                      I do ‘date’ girls from outside of the city, but none have ever moved up to ‘girlfriend’.

                      Exactly. I’m still waiting for all the stories about how that Queens girl and that Manhattan guy fell in love and overcame obstacles and found true love and happily ever after. All we’ve heard about are the “6-9 month” relationships that absolutely , no sirree, uh uh weren’t affected by the distance.

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 4

                    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                      WO7 is saving so that, one day, he can lavish the woman of his dreams with expensive dinners and then complain about it on the Internet.

                      I wasn’t aware that “net worth” was so highly concentrated in the outerboroughs. I grew up there and it always seems kind of a dump to me. Must be a “new money” thing.

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

                    • WO7 Says:

                      LostSailor. You’re new here. Moxie has made ALL of those arguments in the past. In this article, she’s trying a new angle with the “convinience” argument in order to pretend the root of the issue isn’t snobbery and elitism.

                      If I have a chip on my shoulder about the UES, then it’s only a chip against people who live in the UES, and talk smack about the outer boroughs. If you live in the UES cause you like it, and not just cause it’s the most you can afford in your quest to be able to tell people you live in Manhattan; then I surely have no beef with you.

                      Moxie, I do own my apartment. I have owned for 7 years. I have a roommate for the same reason that someone might own a 3 family home and rent out the other two units. I’m using leverage to build equity faster. I also legitimately enjoy having a roommate. I’m currently saving up for my next move, which will be buying a 3 bedroom/2 bathroom apartment in Manhattan, LIC, or somewhere in a fun neighborhood of Brooklyn. And guess what? I will have roommates there too. because then their rents will build equity until a wife comes into the picture to take their place. I am 2/3s of the way to what I need to save to make that happen, and that doesn’t include my retirement money, or my rainy day savings account.

                      I totally understand the idea of deciding convinience is an important factor in your life. I think building a stable financial future is smarter, but I certainly have never discriminated against dating women who live check to check. Shorter commute to work, close to bars and nightlife, walking distance to shops, etc. the one place where convinience has no place, is when you’re looking for a person to spend your life with. If you’re just casually dating someone, and see no future? Sure, axe the Brooklyn guys to your heart’s content. But why the fuck would you pass up a serious prospect just because it adds another 30 minutes to the process of seeing them? That’s just dumb, and if you don’t see that, then you’re just too stuck in your ways to ever find the right guy for you.

                      I practice what I preach. I show no preference in location. As long as I can get there by public transportation within 2 hours, or by motorcycle within 30 minutes; then I give it a shot; and I say that if a guy is willing to travel all that way to meet you, then what could you possibly gain by weeding them out before you even tried to see if you were compatible?

                      DrivingMeNuts, if only you were half as witty or funny as you believed yourself to be…

                      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 5

                    • india Says:

                      W07 – There is no reason to argue against absurdity. Let them have it. Of course, no relationship ever works out between people living more than 10 miles apart. Totally reasonable and true. Just let them have that.

                      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 4

                    • LostSailor Says:

                      You’re new here. Moxie has made ALL of those arguments in the past.

                      Irrelevant. You might want to consider stopping arguing with the ghosts in your head. No such argument was made here.

                      If you live in the UES cause you like it, and not just cause it’s the most you can afford in your quest to be able to tell people you live in Manhattan; then I surely have no beef with you.

                      Again the unsupported assertion that the UES is the cheapest neighborhood, “marginal” I believe you called it, yet somehow snobby and elitist at the same time. Just a word to the wise: chips on one’s shoulder are unattractive.

                      Sure, axe the Brooklyn guys to your heart’s content. But why the fuck would you pass up a serious prospect just because it adds another 30 minutes to the process of seeing them? …I say that if a guy is willing to travel all that way to meet you, then what could you possibly gain by weeding them out before you even tried to see if you were compatible?

                      Methinks someone has had trouble landing an Uptown Girl…

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 5

                    • WO7 Says:

                      “Irrelevant. You might want to consider stopping arguing with the ghosts in your head. No such argument was made here.”

                      Good point, I’ll believe that it’s irrelevant because you said so. Next.

                      “Again the unsupported assertion that the UES is the cheapest neighborhood, “marginal” I believe you called it, yet somehow snobby and elitist at the same time.”

                      Yep, this is how life works. The people who actually have the good life, they don’t need to throw it in other people’s faces. It’s the people who aren’t quite there yet. They’re the ones who’ve got something to prove.

                      “Methinks someone has had trouble landing an Uptown Girl…”

                      You got me. How did you become so perceptive? Or wait…maybe I haven’t had any trouble finding girls to date in any of the boroughs. But who needs the truth when you can try to sound smart and witty instead?

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

  14. M Says:

    I dont really think its that big a deal as long as once you meet, you are up front with where you live. When I was in grad school I lived with my parents, who lived in the sticks. I got no responses to my profile with my actual residence listed, so I changed it to the city where I was working, attending grad school and pretty much spending all my time. In the end it made no difference (maybe because it wasnt an especially large city or because online dating wasnt as common back then).

    Where I live now, I do the same thing. My profile has me listed as living in the city, but when asked (it always comes up) I quickly admit I live in the ‘burbs. I work in the city, 2 miles or a 5-10 minute drive from downtown. As such it is easy for me to get together with people there. When I had a girlfriend who lived there, I would simply work later, then go meet her as soon as I got out. I live 25-30 minutes from downtown. I have also found that in driving around the city, it can take you that long just to get from one part of the city to another. In contrast, the ride to my place is easy, as except for the last half mile, its all on interstates and other roads with at least 4 lanes and a minimum 50 MPH speed limit. I have not found this to be an issue. Interestingly enough, I never stayed over at my girlfriend’s place (though we would hang out there some nights during the week), and when someone did stay over, it was her staying at my place in the suburbs on weekends.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I dont really think its that big a deal as long as once you meet, you are up front with where you live.

      It’s a big deal if you’re someone who doesn’t want to date someone who doesn’t live close by. But then, who cares what they want? I mean…it’s so easy! You haven’t found it to be an issue, so that means there isn’t one! Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! It’s allllllll about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

      If a woman showed up to a date and was noticeably heavier than her photos, you’d be whining about how she was deceptive and wasted your time. Funny how that same deception works for you in this case.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 18

      • M Says:

        We’re not talking about someone who looks different than their pictures, we’re talking about someone who lives somewhere other than what their profile has listed. If its that big a deal to you, then dont date that person. But dont tell me that driving to my house 25 minutes away by interstate is “much farther” than driving to someone else’s place 20 minutes away on city streets with a max 35 MPH speed limit and lots of traffic lights. BTW, where I live, there is no subway, and nobody takes taxis or buses; everybody drives everywhere.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  15. Mandy Says:

    I’m surprised no one has really talked about the differences in personality and priorities that would cause a person to live outside the city vs. in the city. Living in Boston in my 20’s, I was turned off by guys asking me out who lived out in the ‘burbs. Part of it was all of the time and transportation and hosting reasons stated .But a bigger part, for me, is WHY would you choose to live in the burbs when you’re 25 and single vs. living in the city? We had clearly chosen different priorities. I had a studio apt. and no car, whereas the guy had a bigger place and a car. But he was at least 30 min away, and had to drive home at the end of the night. And that lifestyle wasn’t for me.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 6

    • L Says:

      Why would you presume that someone has an incompatible personality or priorities just cause they live in the burbs? What if that person (if it worked out) were perfectly willing to move into the city? What if that person lives in the burbs because he works there and that was a temporary issue (because when you like someone and plan on a future with them, almost anything can be changed!)? What if that person lives in the burbs because he is caring for a sick relative (another temporary situation) or because she has kids that are almost out of the house (another temporary situation)?

      I know some guys who live outside Manhattan but who know their way around Manhattan better than some people who live there! I know some people who live outside Manhattan who love to spend time there and love the city more than some people who live there!

      I get why you might love the city, and I get why you feel you really want to live there. But why the prejudice and presumptions about people who don’t … especially before you have a chance to get to know more about them? And also, most younger people I know who end up married end up moving to the burbs ANYWAY. That why this whole thing is silly to begin with!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

      • Eliza Says:

        Thanks L. I often encounter Manhattanites – that wonder–why would you lives in Queens? Perhaps I prefer to have more space…and not live with rats or pay upwards of $2,800 for a mere 600 sq. foot studio. Maybe I DO enjoy driving…to the beach, upstate – and having a car. without having to pay $500 for a garage. perhaps some of us have family members–and want to be nearby. Many reasons, why we don’t want to live in the “city”. I lived in Grammercy for several years–and loved it, adapted very easily….but I don’t miss it to be honest. Walking to work was great. But not all of us HAVE to be in the city. And it doesn’t impress me to know that someone lives in the city. I would rather own something outside of the Manhattan–than be a life-long renter – and pay someone else’s mortgage. And I am actually one of those people–who lives outside of Manhatan-yet spend a lot of time all over Manhattan…on the weekends and after work. I have the best of both worlds. Anyone that judges someone else based on where they live deserves to be alone.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Um..you just said this yesterday:

          I completely agree with Moxie and AP…especially in NYC, where a workday doesn’t necessarily end as early as 5 or even 7 pm. Who wants to commute on a train so late at night? Not safe. Or have to start spending on $40-$50 taxi rides. For some people, they can’t just drop that kind of cash to get home after a date. It gets expensive and tiresome, just to commute to/from. In order for a LTR to blossom and continue on that path, time to be together is necessary…and perhaps not extreme spontaneity–but a little bit of it is necessary to add to the fun of getting to know someone. Especially if neither one you have children. I can understand if someone is a full-time single parent, then, of course scheduling plans may be the only option. I guess any situation can work out with compromising…and if a great person lived far away, one may go to great lengths to be with that person.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

          • Eliza Says:

            Moxie-what I meant is–I can understand a woman or man not having that comfort level of wanting to commute more than an hour — due to their demanding work schedules…and thus, they prefer to date someone that is local…even if it means limiting their dating options. Understandable. But to “judge” a person because they don’t live in Manhattan is ridiculous. I would be fine dating a man living in Manhattan…if he was considerate enough to occasionally go out of his way to commute to where I live…so it doesn’t always fall on my shoulders to get together. It should be a two-way street. That’s what I was getting at. Everyone has different thresholds.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

        • L. Says:

          And frankly, anyone who judges someone based on where they live probably judges people based on other silly reasons also … and more than likely WILL be alone. Until they realize what they are doing and changes their act.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

          • LostSailor Says:

            And frankly, anyone who judges someone based on where they live probably judges people based on other silly reasons also

            We all make judgments about people we meet everyday. It’s called being human. Making a judgment about who I’d like to date based on their geographic location is just as valid as any other judgment.

            People seem to be confusing making a judgment on who to date based on where they live with making a judgment about them as a person based on where they live. Those are two completely different things. I’m sure people who live in the suburbs, Jersey City, Chicago, or California are fine people. It’s entirely possible that the one great love of my life might live in one of those places. But I don’t live in those places, I live in Manhattan and choose to limit my dating to women who live in Manhattan.

            That’s not to say that if I met a lovely woman who happened to live in the suburbs, Jersey City, Chicago, or California that I wouldn’t try to make that work, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about dating. And geographical location is just as valid a factor on which to base a judgment on who to date as height or weight.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

            • DrivingMeNutes Says:

              “And geographical location is just as valid a factor on which to base a judgment on who to date as height or weight.”

              I would submit that it’s more of a “valid” factor because it reflects choices, rather than immutable phsyical qualities. No one is forcing anyone to live in Connecticut or, god forbid, New Jersey.

              I call bullshit on anyone who says it doesn’t matter because true love conquers all. To those people, will you date anyone regardless of where they choose to live? If you live in Hoboken, and they live in Alberquerque, is that okay with you? If not, why not? The reason, I would guess, is that, at a certain point the likelihood of any one date leading to a “love conquers all” situation is very low and, at some point, the inconvenience outweighs the probable benefits. For the most part, that’s the same calculation here.

              Sure, it’s possible that the woman who lives 2 hours away by subway/bus/subway/walking MAY be the woman of my dreams, but ….probably not. And, the amount of effort it will take to determine that is not WORTH it. Especially for city dwellers because we have so many options who live nearby. Get over it. Or, better yet, move to the city and shut up.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

  16. Eliza Says:

    It’s very silly–to judge others based on where they live. It’s the same as judging someone based on what they drive. So many people driving BMW’s–without a penny to their names. nothing. But a nice car loan. How responsible is that? If a woman or man lives a distance from someone they like they should compromise and find a way to meet that person half way….whether they drive or not. Just because someone does not drive shouldn’t give them that entitlement to impose all the commuting on one person. One word defines that: “Selfish”. Now that’s something to judge a person by…not their zip code.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

    • LostSailor Says:

      It’s very silly–to judge others based on where they live.

      Not really. I will absolutely refuse to date anyone from Staten Island. I’ve been there. Not a silly judgment at all…

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 5

  17. Eliza Says:

    So, Lost sailor if you meet a woman, have a great time, really connect and she happens to move to Staten Island…you will not see her anymore? Wow. What a reason to stop all contact. I guess everyone has their preferences and thresholds and deal breakers. My opinion it’s absurd to judge someone purely on where they live (within reason).

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    • LostSailor Says:

      Do you live on Staten Island? Just wondering if that’s why you didn’t get the joke…

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  18. WO7 Says:

    This has always been, and will always be a bullshit argument. At the end of the day, the goal is to get married and live together. It doesn’t matter where the person lives right now, because if everything goes right, then you’re both living together in the end anyway.

    If you single 40+ year old ladies want to keep justifying this bullshit reason to weed guys out, then go for it. Enjoy staying single.

    When one person is in the desirable location, and the other is in the undesirable one, it always works out that the person in the undesirable one eats most of the time loss associated with the difference in commute. This results to no loss of time for the person in the desirable location.

    Now we’re adding the “effort of having to host all the time”. Boo fucking hoo.

    Where you live is not permanent. If you meet the person of your dreams, and the commute is getting in the way, then you move.

    Just another dumb ass reason to stop yourself from possibly meeting that one guy/girl who is going to make you happy for the rest of your life.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 2

  19. D'Alias Says:

    Mmm. I live far from Manhattan but within NYC limits. I check NY, NY on OKC. Partly cuz I work with indigent clients & don’t want any who might unwittingly cross my page to know where I live and partly cuz I’d rather come up in searches that way to maximize my options. I always disclose in the first few contacts or first convo though. I don’t want to waste my time or his of it’s a deal breaker.

    Yes, I think my locale hinders my dating life and relationship progression. But, I don’t think it’s fatal. My sister lived here till she was 35 & her dating life didn’t suffer (she’s pretty, size zero, smart, successful. & fun). As for me, I think it’s just hard to get something going and keep it up. The prob is that it a man in BK is choosing to go exclusive with one girl, and A lives 15 m away while I’m an hour and change. Naturally, he will pick her.

    I think it’s really silly to disqualify somebody based solely upon where they love but I think it’s equally silly to act ignorant of the fact that it complicates things.

    I was in a long distance (1-2hrs by car & 4 hrs by PT) rel for 2 1/2 yrs. We worked our butts off to see each other, sacrificing time, sleep, & other obligations. It was worth it but it was very, very difficult. Obviously, it’s not something we could have kept up forever – the understanding was that one or both of us would move if we decided to take the next step.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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