Name: Michelle
Age: 58
State: PA
Question: What is your opinion of older women lying about their age on dating sites? I’ve heard some women take off as many as 10 years in some cases! I personally do not lie about my age, as the truth will come out eventually anyway with someone I end up being serious about. On the other hand, I recently called one of your frequent older posters on this matter because that is her MO (to fudge on the age). I mentioned that I felt it’s an “integrity issue” (the lying part is the “integrity issue”) and asked her what she is afraid of by not telling her true age. As you might expect, the air waves went dead with this person (she did not reply to me), so I must have hit a nerve.The dating reality for older women is what it is. Sometimes it’s frustrating because of men wanting younger ones. But not telling one’s true age (which to me also is a form of game-playing) gets things off to a bad start. Oh, there may be some short-term gains/benefits in doing this, but I think for the long haul, honesty is the best policy from the get-go. Thoughts?
Well. Aren’t you superior.
Personally, I don’t see a problem with shaving a couple years off your age in a profile. 10 years? That’s just delusional. Especially if it’s clear to those viewing the profile that it’s not true. (This just in…IT IS. No, you don’t look 40, 45, 50. You look your age.) In those situations, the women ends up looking desperate and invites in every ne’er do well in her vicinity.
Honesty? You sound hella jealous of your friend. There’s nothing to be jealous of. Judging by her stories and comments, (I know who you are and who she is) she doesn’t have the luck she thinks she has. She, like the people insisting that the fact that they live in a suburb has nothing to do with the demise of their relationships with city dwellers, likely believes that her “white lie” isn’t the problem. It is a problem. 2-3 years? Not so bad. Anybody who says, “Wait. You’re 45 not 43?? Forget it!” is an idiot and they’re doing you a favor by dumping you. They would have dumped you any way. A person has a legitimate gripe when someone drags them out on a date only to look all of their 40, 50, 60+ years.
I’d say 50% of my female profile review clients fudge their age by 3-5 years. When I ask why they say that it’s because they want to attract guys who are more fit and active. That’s is utter bullshit. They want to attract younger guys so they continue believing they still can pass for 35, 40 or 45. The whole excuse about wanting guys who are more fitness/activity oriented is flimsy. Especially for the 40+ set. Look, how much longer do you think you’ll be kayaking and rock climbing? And, much like the women who insist upon men over 6 feet tall “so they can wear heels,” how much time do you truly think you’ll be devoting to these activities, and why can’t you do them alone given the fact you’ve been doing them alone all along? It’s not about wanting somebody fit or tall…it’s about wanting someone young or attractive because we don’t want to feel old or unattractive. That’s it. We want people to look at us with our partners and think, “Oooh. I want to be him/her!”
Taking a couple years off your age so you can come up in more searches is acceptable. In fact, it’s quite common. The only thing someone reveals by crying liar liar pants on fire is how naive and inexperienced and unlucky they are. A tell in the opposite direction is when people crow about how successful their tactics are. Read any blog and you’ll find a story of how a woman believes she’s devised a magic formula for finding Mr. Right because she’s managed to date someone for all of a handful of months. Only it’s not a a magic formula. That’s just something she tells herself so she can feel better than other women. Sadly, the minute she starts going public, the relationship typically crumbles. In those cases, the going public part most definitely contributed to the demise of the relationship. But no matter how many times that happens, the women who once connected imaginary dots suddenly loses her ability to do so.
What you’re doing is trying to make yourself feel better for not getting as much attention or response from men online. You tell yourself, “Well, if I lied I could get dates too. But I’m not a liar. I’m better than that.” Allow me to point something out to you: you came to this blog knowing your friend reads it and intentionally outed her and put her in a position to be slagged on by us. And you know how much we enjoy that. So, while you might be as honest as Abe Lincoln, you’re still a shitty friend. So get off your high horse.
Now go to your dating profile and change your age to 55, get some dates, and have fun. At the end of the day, nobody cares that you added or subtracted a few years. The only people who do are the ones who don’t date very often and don’t have much dating success.
All depends on what you’re looking for. If it’s some casual dates then fudging is fine, who will ever know. If you’re looking for a relationship then you need to figure out what it’s gonna be based on. If you’re gonna accept that little white lies help keep the bond strong then, once again,shading things is fine. If you want something based on a deeper trust then it can get tricky.
This isn’t a value judgment on which is better. Different relationships work for different people. . But imagine a relationship that hits a rough patch. If you’re in the “little fibs don’t count” camp and you’ve got a good match then the the whole age thing is likely already forgotten. But if you’re in the “deep trust” crowd then it’s gonna still be stuck in your partner’s head and just cause more questions whenever any other questions arise.
Nobody can say what’s right for anyone else so nobody can say what’s right for the OP. Likewise OP is just petty trying to get in someone else’s business about what’s right for them.
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I have seen many profiles where a woman will put down a certain age but then explain in the written portion of the profile what her true age is. Thats the best compromise. This way she gets included in male search results and yet she has disclosed her true age before the guy even contacts her. Everyone is happy and in case like that, there is no harm, no foul.
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To me, it’s maybe less a question of integrity (although I do wonder how many “little” fibs are okay),and more the insecurity shown by someone fudging their age. If you truly can’t get ANYONE decent to contact you online, it’s probably a sure thing that it isn’t just your age. I do kind of like John’s solution, which overcomes the whole search result issue, but the truth is out there up front as well.
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People who make the “claim” that someone altering their age in a dating profile doesn’t have integrity are falling into the same trap that everyone falls into with online dating. There is no way to know whether what is being stated in an online dating profile is 100% accurate. In fact, I’d venture to say that even if someone is totally honest about their age, there’s a really high probability that SOMETHING in their profile isn’t totally honest or is exaggerated. That’s unfortunately what online dating has become … it’s a sales tool. Frankly, if you expect total honesty, you shouldn’t be dating online – you’d be much better off getting setup by friends/relatives or going to a matchmaker. There is always going t be a certain amount of risk with a total stranger.
And just because someone chooses to “market” themselves better by fudging their age or something else to come up in more searches doesn’t make them into a total liar and into someone who will do this type of thing over and over again and just isn’t a trustworthy person. Believe me, a person who is totally honest about their age can still turn out to be a jerk and can still be a person who lacks integrity, and can still hurt you. There is no way to avoid risk in dating.
In addition, I don’t think the OP realizes that it is no longer an advantage being a man online. A very large percentage of women lie about their age and seach for lower age ranges of men. So the way I see it, in order to avoid skewing of results, the men have to do it also. It’s a sham and a shame. But I truly believe online dating has trumped the shark and is no longer a good way to meet people. For some, particularly young people … it may work.
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What a double standard… If women believe its OK to fudge there ages then they have no basis complaining about men who fudge there height… or men who list themselves as athletic and fit yet can shed more than a few pounds. What is good for the goose is good for the gander!!
Personally a woman who “fudges” her age is a deal breaker for me.
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Agree with xyz….
Disagree with Moxie on this one, especially if she has no problem of a person shaving off a year or two.
How often have you hear women complain about a man, or rather his profile, make a claim or two (ie height) and after the scrutiny profiles receive: e-mails, phone conversations, and after all those hurdles an eventual meet, you come to find out the truth of the situation.
How often do men hear about women complain about a man being untruthful/dishonest about something that they penned?
If you should engage in such action, where does one draw the line?
Sorry, not trying to be harsh, but sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
If you require honesty in a profile, then you should require it in the same. If you fudge about a few details, then you should not quibble if someone does likewise.
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Did we not – within the last post – go all nuclear on fudging the place of residence in an online profile? So it so cool to casually misrepresent own feature of one’s bio (age) but not okay for another (residence)?
I think the key is this – if it is a disadvantage to me, it is okay to misrepresent.
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The difference is that one has a direct impact on the other person’s life and the other doesn’t. Only someone who was going to dump you eventually or who has serious issues would care if someone were 46 instead of 44. If they’re interested, the age won’t be a factor.
I know what you’ll say in your razor-sharp counter argument. Yes, eventually, their location *will* become a factor even if it isn’t initially. A two to three year age gap is less likely to be considered a problem down the road.
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Location is temporary. Someone may very well move during the course of a relationship. Age is a fixed fact. Whether you are 36 or 40 is a long term serious issue when it comes to having kids, etc.
perhaps people who insistent on fudging their age are also the ones all “butt hurt” because men have rejected them for being too old.
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But 36 to 40 is not “a couple.” It’s 4. That’s not what I suggested. In fact, I said more than “a couple” made the woman look delusional. 31 is very different from 35, 35 very different from 39. Saying you’re 38 when you’re 40 isn’t going to matter to men who want to have children. Those men will avoid the woman regardless. Yes, agreed, if she’s 38 and says she’s 36, it’s probably going to be a problem. But the general point still stands.
Also, location isn’t temporary. There’s no quick fix. People can’t just give up their apartments or sell their homes overnight. Someone who bought a home isn’t going to just sell it because they met someone. There are all kinds of issues that come with that – legal, financial, etc.
But like I said in the post…the people who quibble over this (or don’t understand how residence is different than two years in age) are the people who enjoy sitting around alone and pointing out how everybody else is doing it wrong and how different/better/special they are for not doing it. It’s just a way to justify why they don’t have the success other people have.
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Got it. A “two or thee year age gap” is totally okay. A four year age gap (my example) is not the same thing. Seriously?
Sometimes it is better to just admit that we hold ourselves to a different standard. We judge others for doing the same exact thing as us.
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Is the difference between 46 and 44 isn’t really an issue, then why would a woman lie about her age in the first place?
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To come up in more searches and to try and prevent people too far out of their age range from contacting them. That’s why most people take off a couple years.
The people who take off several years do it because they a) believe they look much younger than they do and b) because they want to go out with people out of their age range/league.
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YES!
<>
EXACTLY. Thank you. Didn’t realize someone had said this (and far more concisely than I).
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I never saw the point of lying about my age. I was 42 when I met J. I kind of figured if a guy had a problem with my age, or the fact that I have 2 kids, or the fact that I live 45 minutes north of downtown, he probably would be too high maintenance for me.
I guess other people see it differently. But, I would have been seriously annoyed if a guy lied about his age and was, for instance, a 50 year old guy representing himself as 48. You’re right, 2 years isn’t a big deal. But, if it’s such a little deal, why lie? I would think he had issues with his age, and wasn’t comfortable being himself. And, I don’t have the desire to deal with those kinds of issues.
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Exactly. To me, there’s two problems with “fudging” information in an online dating context.
First, you’re starting off on the wrong foot, with at least some aspect of the interaction premised on falsehoods. Now, depending on the people involved and the nature of the fudging, it may not be a huge deal. One person might not be bothered by, say, a 2 year age difference. On the other hand, they might be. Some people’s age “ceilings” and “floors” are pretty inflexible. Others are more flexible. But I still think it’s a bad idea to start off having to “confess” something to someone. This could undermine trust between people. I mean, if you’re leading off with a lie — even a little white lie — someone might say “Ok, so, what else is that going to apply to?” Think of it this way. If someone’s age parameters are flexible, chances are they actually structure their searches in a more expansive range than what they necessarily put on their profile. A 40-year-old guy who’s listed range is 37-43 might actually search in a 35-45 range. What happens when he encounters a 48-year-old woman who lists herself as 45? She’s already well outside his listed criteria, and she’s only managed to sneak into his search results by lying. So, if the goal is to reach more people in search results, I’d simply list your actual age and trust that anyone who’s actually flexible about age ranges will be searching broadly enough to catch you in their results.
The second problem is, as Trouble points out, this kind of stuff may reveal a certain lack of comfort in oneself. Just like the guy fudging his age or height, or being a bit paunchy but listing himself as “Fit” for body type, or any number of other little “fudging” things, to me what this really says is “Here’s something I’m not cool with.” Again, this may be a bigger or smaller deal, depending on what’s being fudged and the degree to which you’re fudging, but to my way of thinking, if you’re actually cool with yourself, you’ll put an honest representation of yourself forward. I don’t mean a “Here I am warts and all” representation, necessarily. Obviously, there’s a certain degree of “selling” going on online, but whatever you’re selling, you shouldn’t be running the risk of someone saying you engaged in false advertising.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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People seem to act as if men don’t lie about their age online. That is SO NOT TRUE. Men not only lie about their ages, they are often way more outrageous about it. I have seen men shave 10 years off their age without thinking and MAYBE mention it in their profile, but sometienms mention it after a month of dating. I know a guy who personally told me to my face that he was 56 years old and had hair plugs, but then I saw his dating profie that said he was 30. I kid you not. I shave a few years off my age but I assume I will never get away with shaving more than 5 years off my age. I will never feel guilty about fudging my age by 5 years when so many men out there are shaving 10 and 15 years off their ages in an attempt to get younger women.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I once dated a man who was 47 and listed his age as 37 on his dating profile. He revealed his true age on our second date. I had fudged my age by 2 years and revealed my true age to him. It didn’t bother me he had lied about his age by that many years, since he looked much younger than his age.
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Moxie:
I find it interesting that you think that the only way I can have “fun” on the dating sites is to lie about my age. What’s THAT about????
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Women shouldn’t lie about their age if they are looking for a relationship. As a man, I would not be happy if a woman lied about her age upfront. Isn’t this analogous to a man adding a couple inches to his height on a dating profile – I am sure that women would have an issue with a lie about height.
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^ This. I came down here to mention the exact same thing, would love to hear the responses on this one.
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I am 5’3″ and went out with a guy who claimed he was 5’6″ on his dating profile. He had to have been 5’4″, as he was barely taller than me. I asked him if he’s 5’6″, and he said he is on a good day. I thought that was a very humorous answer, and we dated for a few months.
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Actually, I wouldn’t care if a man added a couple incles to his height. Besides, a man’s heights is immediately apparent when you meet him. That said I am pretty short, so I don’t disqualify men for heing too short anyway.
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The guy I’m dating now listed his height as 5’8″ on his profile. When we met and he stood up to greet me he was only slightly taller than me. (I’m 5’2″/5’5″ in heels.) At first it bothered me but by the end of the date I didn’t care. If he had listed his actual height I probably wouldn’t have met him. I’m sure some women might care about stuff like that. I didn’t see what he did as deceptive so I didn’t hold it against him.
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You obviously do care somewhat about his height if you said you wouldn’t have met him if you had known his true height.
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I’d guess that most people are not the height or weight they think they are. They also have ideas in their heads about what certain heights/weights look like.
It’s a mental threshold similar to how merchants price services or products. For example, pricing something at $19.99 versus $20.00 gets better results even thought the difference is one cent.
5’6″ in person versus 5’6″ in print are very different, especially when you think you’re 5’2″ and you’re actually 5’1″.
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What happens if somebody has fudged their age and then replies to somebody who has a clearly stated age range? Prior posts have said that’s itsa no-no to Email someone if you’re outside their stated age range then why is it OK to misrepresent your age?
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Then you just don’t email those people. Simple. The goal is to get the profile views and get the dates. Not trick someone into marriage. Do you people have any idea how many of the profiles out there aren’t even written by the person who created the profile???
Why is this so troubling for many of you? How is it that most of you seem oblivious to the fact that a large segment of the online dating population lies in their profile? I’d bet most of you don’t even realize that you’ve dated people who weren’t the age they said they were or the height they said they were. Trust me. You’ve been duped before. You survived. Get over it.
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I wouldn’t advise anyone to lie/fib/fudge anything in the profile. Not age, location, body type, sexual orientation (bisexual dudes, I’m looking at you!) employment status, kids etc. Omit it if you absolutely must, but don’t lie. If you want a LTR it starts you off on the wrong foot. If your just looking to get laid, it most likely wouldn’t matter any way.
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Maybe I’m missing something, but in non-virtual /real life dating, when do you ever get to know someone’s age? Is that something you ask on the first date? The point is in real life, either you are attracted or you aren’t. You date who you meet and like, and it goes from there. Age doesn’t usually come into it until a few dates down the road. So if it’s o.k. in that scenario, why get all in a huff about it in on-line dating? Sure, if your love-interest turns out to be 10-12 years older than you figured, sure, I can understand that being a deal breaker, but a 3-4 year difference? Really?
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Online dating is like shopping, and people don’t like mislabeled goods. You’re right that in real person-to-person interactions, attraction rules with age a secondary consideration, but that’s a more visceral, emotional response. Online, those factors don’t come into play.
Personally, I will marginally tolerate someone who fudges their age for online search purposes but reveals it somewhere in the profile. I would have reservations about a woman that fudged her age and I only learned of it later. I certainly understand that online dating is a rough sport, but if I was contemplating a relationship, that fudge would be a factor. Maybe not a definitive factor, but it would still be there. I use my real age online.
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If you’re going to shave a couple of years off of your age, make sure that you don’t slip up in conversation. For example, if you’re a 40 man or woman and have 38 listed as your age, make sure that you don’t say something like “I graduated high school in 1990″ because if the other person is half paying attention, you’re busted.
I totally agree that if there’s chemistry and you’ve built some rapport, a couple of years isn’t going to matter. At the same time, make sure that you stick to your story otherwise you risk being called out.
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Anyone who “fudges” their age and doesn’t cop to it in very short order (after they’ve already gotten someone’s attention and are in contact) is simply lame. Taking a moment to let someone get to know you and telling them the deal as you’re in that process (say in first few emails or phone calls), esp. given the reasons I supplied in my general comment here, is totally reasonable. But if someone thinks they can pull it off long-term, that’s just ridiculous and makes no sense.
I recently had a guy contact me who was very obviously in his late fifties (either that or he just looks like CRAP) and stated the big fat obvious lie that he was in his forties. Maybe he had reasoning that he’ll show up in more searches, but his look is not helping his cause whatsoever.
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i’m 5’11 and female and i am utterly honest on my profile about every thing i can be (including current pictures reflecting my current body type and weight rather than that hot bikini shot from last year when i was underweight and wearing a size 4 instead of my usual 6-8) except for one thing.
and no it’s not my age. i’m honest about everything but my height. i say i’m 6′
i do this because i have found that about 80% of men lie about their height and then resent me when their 6′ stands below my 5’11 and i’m wearing flat flat flat shoes that day. i do this so all the guys who are 5’9 but say 6′ won’t find me; because truly, i don’t give a crap about your height. i don’t, but i care a lot that you are so insecure that you feel the need to misrepresent yourself.
if you lie about the simple things i have ZERO faith that you’ll tell the truth when it hurts. i don’t have a list of things i look for in a guy beyond “do i want to talk to him over breakfast?” and “tells the truth.” i’ve met (from okcupid or whatever) ugly men whose words moved me and beautiful men who said something funny and men looking for kittens (literally) and people who just liked my nose, and i’ve dated taller and shorter and younger and older and i like them all. [i've ignored email from beautiful men who say stupid things and very old men and very young men (i'm 41, what is it with the 20 year olds???) and people with no picture (married!) and people with no words on their profile and people who proposition me and guys who announce they like to cross dress(???) too lol]
my word is my bond, i want yours to be too.
(yes, i do feel weird about lying about my height, but this works out better it seems)
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“i’m honest about everything but my height. i say i’m 6′”
“if you lie about the simple things i have ZERO faith that you’ll tell the truth when it hurts. ”
” i don’t have a list of things i look for in a guy beyond “do i want to talk to him over breakfast?” and “tells the truth.”
There is some extreme cognitive dissonance in what you are saying.
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Stop blaming the other for your fault. He is not an idiot just because he discovered you are a liar.
If you “fell” you look 3 years younger, wriet it in your description, but DON’T lie about your age.
Only an idiot would ACCEPT a liar.
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If what you say is true, I am the total exception, and I take issue with some of your points, as well as what some commenters had to say. In brief, I am a young-looking, active and attractive woman in her early forties who tends to pass for thirty in person. I am NOT looking for younger men. At all. I am LOOKING FOR MEN MY AGE. But … and here’s the golden suckfest: Men my age do not contact me when I post my real age. ONLY MEN IN THEIR FIFTIES CONTACT ME, and constantly, because they want to date younger women, definitely due to some of what you stated. And most men in their forties/my age — many obviously in a mid-life crisis — are looking for women in their thirties, sometimes younger. Thus, the only (and I truly hate online dating, the facts I’m stating only part of the issue, so I don’t do it much) way I can actually meet anyone my age is to go lower in my profile. If men weren’t like this, I would get to be as honest as I am in real life. Also, once I have gotten someone’s attention and we have any connection at all, I will tell them my actual age and reason for my profile tactic. And that will be prior to meeting, most likely on the phone. And anyone who doesn’t like it, well, I think they are impractical, judgmental, and probably NOT a reasonable woman in her forties who has actual experience from which to speak (thus, they can kiss off). But I also know for a fact that I’m not alone.
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