How Do You Online Date When You’re Overweight?

Name: Dori
Age: 41
State: MA
Question: Dear Moxie,

Couple weeks before you posted ‘My inner fat girl’ in May 2012 I made a profile on OKC. I described myself as ‘curvy’. At that time I was 5’3′, 180 lb. My profile generated some responses, but not the ones you (or even I) would describe as high quality.  After about a month I got frustrated, deleted my profile and started working on weight loss.

So as I am getting thinner and planning a triumphant return, here is the question. OKC gives the following options for body types:

Thin
Overweight
Skinny
Average
Fit
Athletic
Jacked
A little extra
Curvy
Full-Figured
Used-up

Describing oneself as Overweight/A little extra/Full Figured seems to indicate self-deprecation/low self-esteem, i.e. I would be shooting myself in the foot. I like ‘curvy’ (I have DDD bra size), but is it true that ‘curvy’ is just a euphemism for obese? At which weight (BMI? Waist to Hip ratio?) can a woman honestly describe herself as ‘average’? Would you consider commenting on the body types definitions and deciphering the OKC-speak?

Thank you,
D

 

I don’t think describing oneself as overweight, full figured, etc is a sign of low self-esteem. It’s a sign of self-awareness. How other people perceive that admission isn’t about you. That’s about them. As for whether or not I would actually select that body type option, the answer is no. Select average. That way you’ll come up in more searches. If you post accurate and recent photos of yourself, then you won’t be misrepresenting yourself too egregiously. Guys will see what they’re getting.

Yes, “curvy” is just a nice way of saying overweight. It’s unfortunate that that’s how most people, even many women, interpret that. But they do. Select Curvy as your body type and the majority of people who will view your profile will be the fetishists and chubby chasers. Which isn’t necessarily bad as long as you understand that those people are attracted to you because of your weight/size and not in spite of it.

Hip to waist ratio is irrelevant when it comes to online dating. No reasonable, well adjusted man is going to look at your photo and do some sort of math in his head trying to determine that. Thankfully, the other 98% of men on those sites doesn’t give a shit what your BMI or waist to hip ratio is as long as you look reasonably healthy and attractive to them. Being overweight, you’re not going to be everybody’s cup of tea. Accept that first before diving head first into the OK Cupid waters.

As we said in a recent post, online dating isn’t about 100% honesty. (Hell, dating isn’t about 100% honesty, 100% of the time.) It’s about getting the interview. Of course, you don’t want to say you went to Harvard when you really attended Small Town State University and that you had a 4.0 instead of a 3.4, There’s an acceptable fudging curve. You can’t say you’re “Fit” and then post up to date pics of yourself where you’re clearly a good 30+ pounds overweight. You very well might be quite healthy. But to the majority of people looking at your profile, you’ll look delusional. Selecting average is safe. It will get you enough profile views to make a difference. Learn how to figure out which guys are genuine and which ones are just hitting you up because they’re desperate, though.

I’m not being cynical when I explain that dating online when you’re a bigger girl is fraught with landmines. If you know your audience, you’ll manage to avoid a lot of the frustration and embarrassment that many plus sized women experience due to online dating. Many of the dating bloggers out there who have wacky story after wacky story of bad first dates wherein guys mysteriously ditch them, hook up with them and never call again, refuse to pay the bill or make crude and obnoxious comments are also chubby. That’s not a coincidence.

As for the body type breakdown, I’ll give it a shot.

Thin – To me, this means healthy and slender.
Overweight – For me this means excess weight in the belly area.
Skinny – My interpretation of this is that the person is unhealthy in some way. Skin and bones and little else. Gaunt.
Average – This could be assigned to just about anybody who doesn’t too chubby or flabby up to and including people who could stand to lose 20 pounds or so. It also means – to me – that they don’t work out or aren’t very healthy/fitness conscious.
Fit – Self-explanatory, I think. Evenly proportioned and mostly toned.  This descriptor says, “I work out regularly and am health conscious.”
Athletic – See above but add some thickness. Thick legs, big arms, etc.
Jacked- Gym rat. The guy with the muscle tees who groan when they lift.
A little extra – Self-explanatory. The person is carrying around slight but noticeable amount of extra weight.
Curvy -Curvy has been taken over by the plus sized gals. The woman on the far right of the photo above, to me, is curvy. Curvy used to mean hourglass shaped with a larger breast, thin waist and ample but not out of proportion with the rest of your body hips. Now it’s a label used by plus sized to obese women.
Full-Figured –  Overweight with no noticeable waist line.
Used-up – I don’t think anybody uses this, nor do I think it has a definition.

Thoughts?

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46 Responses to “How Do You Online Date When You’re Overweight?”

  1. E. Foley Says:

    It’s also important to note that in the UK, “Curvy” means “Big Boobs.” I’ve worked with a handful of clients in the UK and noticed that’s a huge difference between UK and US as far as body size descriptions.

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  2. Mary Says:

    I think curvy means weight is evenly distributed and the girl has larger (C+) boobs and nice hips. That being said, I wouldn’t advise anyone to check that on their online dating profile as men usually think it’s code for fat because lots of girls think they are curvy when in fact, they are fat. If you’re 5’3″ and 180 lbs…I wouldn’t consider that curvy. I would consider it overweight or full figured.

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  3. John Says:

    Many search settings just have “I dont care” or “no preference” for body type. That is usually the default setting for most search criteria and its a hassle to change that or other settings. So I am sure many people just use the default settings just out of sheer laziness. Me included. So in the end, you have gained nothing because you would have showed up in those searches anyway. But you would have lost credibility. And beleive me, if you are overweight but you put “average” or “fit” you will lose a lot of credibility . No guy is gonna say “Oh she is just doing that for search purposes” A guy will say “She is delusional if she thinks that is average” . If you own it, then you will still have a chance at the guy who weight doesnt matter.

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  4. elizabeth Says:

    For on line dating….Use a recent full length body shot and let the viewer decide the classification. I will be interested on what the guys have to say on this! There is a lid for every pot! Some men like women with meat on their bones.

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    • Vandellish Says:

      You beat me to this. I’d describe myself as a toned/athletic man 6’1 218 lbs. but more than a few women have referred to me as slender. I guess you can’t just go by height/weight you really have to see the person and their particular body is shaped.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Elizabeth-it truly amazes me that 90% of these men are so critical…looking and expecting to meet women who are in the best of shape…even after having children no less…yet, these men have the largest pot bellies imaginable. They are round, don’t workout, etc. Amazing. To make such a demand, yet not deliver what you seek. What a double standard.

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      • Coptic777 Says:

        “these men have the largest pot bellies imaginable” really? first of there are more overweight women than men period. Regardless we live in a nation where the population has too many overweight people no matter the gender. Still your projecting dear.

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  5. MrWombat Says:

    “Thankfully, the other 98% of men on those sites doesn’t give a shit what your BMI or waist to hip ratio is as long as you look reasonably healthy and attractive to them.”

    Dear God, the silliness, the oxymoron. “Looking reasonably healthy” is precisely about BMI and W:H, it’s meaning less to say that you need to look healthy, but BMI doesn’t matter..

    It’s just logic, ladies – sorry to be mansplainin’. I also am overweight. On my profile, I put “overweight”. It’s a guy thing, to be boringly accurate. But women are delusional and tend to lie, so a guy has to factor that in when reading their profiles.

    Medically speaking, a huge proportion of people are outright obese. Even the *average* woman today is overweight (and so is the average man). So any admission that you are even heavier than this overweight average means you are faaaaaaat.

    Miss DDD isn’t carrying a rucksack’s worth of mammary tissue on on her chest. They aren’t *glands*. She is carrying a couple of kilograms of fat that slip down into her armpits when she lies on her back. Take a medically (not statistically) normal woman and wrap her in 4 inches of bubble wrap and foam plastic padding. Then try to climb on top and have sex. I mean – it’s possible, but kinda pointless, you know?

    “Curvy” means “fat”, in exactly the way that “differently abled” means “crippled”, and “mentally challenged” means “slow” means “retarded” means “imbecile”. No matter what new euphemism you invent to replace the old bad word, after a while it inherits all the negative connotations of the previous word because it means what it means. The problem isn’t the *word” ‘fat’, and substituting ‘curvy’ for ‘fat’ won’t help. The problem is the fat.

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    • George Says:

      I also am overweight. On my profile, I put “overweight”.

      Anyone who does this should not be surprised at their lack of opportunities. Online dating involves selling oneself in a manner that is attractive. That might be an accurate description but it’s no less delusional than a woman selecting curvy when she’s overweight.

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      • MrWombat Says:

        It’s why engineers/IT people can’t find relationships. We don’t lie, and don’t really get that other people do.

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  6. D'Alias Says:

    OP, I think you should show a few close ( or at least honest ) male friends the full body shots you will use for your profile, tell them what you’re considering checking, and take their advice.

    Honestly, average IS fat and it’s all about how the weight falls on your body. When I was 200 lbs at 5’4 I had tons of people calling me chubby (come on!). I know women 5,2 and 160-165 who think they’re average, and swoons more lying through their teeth pretending they’re about 175-185 when they’re clearly 220 or so. Our country is collectively delusional about weight.

    For me, I used to put curvy but recently learned that heavy women who put that are often the fat-and-fabulous types (along with full-figured). That’s NOT me as I take health and weight loss very seriously, so I changed it to “a little extra” even though I’m in the 220s and a size 16. I know that’s ridiculous b/c I have 60 lbs to loose just to get out of the medically obese category. I use it to mean I am clearly fat, but retain a shape that shows bust, hips, & ass. I’ve just got a fat stomach, too. I haven’t noticed much of a diff in profile messages received or the quality of my dating life. I think the poster who said the default is “don’t care” is prob on to something.

    At 180, you are technically obese – but I would NEVER advise you to put full-figured b/c then people will think you are 300 lbs. I think the most important thing is to post CLEAR and ACCURATE full body shots along with the rest of your photos. Good luck in your weight loss and dating search.

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  7. D. Says:

    Minor point here, but on OKC, can you even search by body type? If so, I think that’s only a feature for the paying customers which, I’d bet, is not the majority of OKC users.

    If you can’t search by body type, then I’d put down either “a little extra” or “full figured” or just leave that section blank and let people judge by the photos. Personally, I’d put down something that shows you’re in touch with reality, rather than something that might make it seem like you’re trying to bullshit them and/or yourself.

    As for “curvy” I still see it used by genuinely curvy women, rather than just overweight women. But I will say that when I see a woman who is clearly overweight put down “average” or even in some cases “curvy” I think to myself “Who are you trying to kid?” and promptly move on. To me, it suggests someone who isn’t comfortable with themselves enough to be honest.

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  8. India Says:

    Yes, curvy is the code word for being overweight. But at 5’3” and 180, that is what you are.
    My boyfriend is 5’11” and 180, and he would describe himself as “average” for a man. To put that “average” for your size, unfortunately, seems a little out of touch.
    Men are visual. If a man wants an average sized woman, no matter how great your conversation is on the first date, that is not going to change his visual and physical preference. Yes, you may get more “interviews” by clicking average, I am not sure if the end result would be very different.

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  9. elizabeth Says:

    I have heard more horror stories from guys meeting up with closet chubbies. That is why you MUST have a full length recent photo of how you look. That way there are no surprises. Most men are very wary of women who only have head shots. I feel the same way about guys….if he can’t tuck in his shirt and not have a big belly…..nothing is happening. Being fat is an issue for some people…..it is a major one for me. I spend a lot of time at the gym and want a guy who shares that value.

    There have to chubby men who want a chubby lady! It all about individual preferences.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Elizabeth: However, there are so many “chubby” men that feel entitled to a woman that is in fabulous shape. And unfortunately, most women who do workout consistently, and look great-do NOT want to put their arms around several spare tires! And also, it’s a matter of lifestyle, and interests. Women who workout want to share that interest with men who do the same. Or go running or hiking. Men who are active. Sitting in front of the TV, and reaching for a beer, or sitting at a live football game is NOT considered active.

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  10. K Says:

    I keep hearing that the average woman in America now is a size 14. Average height is 5’4″ and average bra size is like a 36 C. So if you’re a size 12 or 14, I think you can honestly choose “Average” as your body type. Really, average is not a size 6 or 8 – that’s small these days, so I’d think a woman of those sizes could put “athletic” or “curvy,” or even “thin.” Size 4, 2, 0 are thin or skinny.

    I don’t know what size you’d be at 5’3 and 150 or 160 (OP said she’s getting thinner). 10? 12? I think I’d choose “about average” and make sure you have realistic photos that make it clear you have nothing to hide. And then make sure you’re dressing to make the most of your body shape and carrying yourself tall and proud.

    PS – I realize men aren’t going to be aware of the average size of a woman in America, and many may consider 5’3″ and 160lb to be overweight. Still, I think you’re entitled to it if you’re a size 12 or 14!

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    • Eliza Says:

      Wow–the average size is a 14??! Then, what is a size 4 or 6?! If you are petite – around 5’4–one should be a 4 or 6, no? Again, the gym is “your friend”. So many benefits comes with exercise. so many.

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  11. LaMotta Says:

    Nothing could be more wrong than the assertion that guys aren’t scrutinizing online pics and “doing mental calculations of hip-to-waist” ratio. Of course we are doing it; its automatic — and even if it wasn’t, we’d have learned to start doing it from experience with being burned by inadequate/dishonest online pics (I certainly have).

    MrWombat also hit the nail on the head with his point about being overweight not being healthy. If you are overweight you have metabolic syndrome. Period (the only other exception is if you have some sort of clinical metabolic disorder, which you then need to get taken care of anyways). The modern American diet is a very bizarre thing most people don’t do well on, and it’s sad people are essentially just accepting that, and the resultant condition of being overweight (and more seriously, general ill health), rather than thinking a bit outside the box and changing what they eat.

    I do sympathize, as a lot of overweight people (esp. women) do exercise as much as reasonably possible, and it just doesn’t do much for them. This was the case with me, doing weights 3x a week and running or biking a couple times, yet getting fatter every year. I was by no means “fat” by today’s standards but I was getting a bit husky and when I noticed a belly forming at age 30, that was it for me. I started focusing on diet rather than exercise (eating “paleo” style), and lost 25-30 lbs in the past year (starting point: 182.5lbs). Here’s the sick part: I work out about 1/3rd-1/4th as much as I used to — once per week.

    I’m not saying this formula is for everyone but we need to acknowledge there is a problem with our diet and how we’ve set up society in general and work on it. And while standards in many ways have been lowered, this doesn’t change the evolutionary fact that physical attractiveness is based on certain criteria.

    That said, I think if a guy is overweight, he had better not be too picky.

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    • Trisha Says:

      LaMotta, I love you! The SAD (Standard American Diet) is what is making the country fat and the last reason it exists is for any “health” reason. It’s all financially/politically based. I too, have followed the paleo/raw/unprocessed WOE for 5 years now and am healthier at 48 than I’d been my whole life. Health professionals routinely tell me they never see as good blood work, etc., as mine. Unfortunately, it does seem to put a cramp into dating sometimes because men cannot seem to think about anything else to do other than go out to dinner (I rarely eat processed/restaurant food so it’s usually more of a special occasion thing.) I wonder if you have run into that as well. I also hardly work out though I think putting “fit” as my body type is not lying. At 37-26-35 I should be able to put “curvy” but no way am I going to use that word and its connotations. Do you use “fit”? I would gravitate to Moxie’s definition of “health conscious” in that instance then. Too bad there are so few of us who have broken away from SAD and are better for it, even if it deters dating to some degree.

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      • LaMotta Says:

        Hehe thanks for the warm reply ;)

        I agree there is a valid “curvy” that does not mean being overweight, but unfortunately, at least in the online dating context, the term has now been co-opted to mean “fat”. So yeah I think it would be safer to say “athletic”.

        I just want to add that different things will work for different people (maybe paleo isn’t the answer for everyone), but it stands to reason that if you’re overweight and the problem is gradually worsening, you need to change something structural in your life.

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    • The D-man Says:

      Just wanted to chime in that I’ve had great results with paleo too. I don’t do hardcore paleo, but the version described in the Four Hour Body. Basically, no bread, pasta, rice or potatoes, limited fruit, and once a week is my “cheat day” when I can eat whatever I want. Makes it a lot easier to control cravings i.e. I can wait until Saturday for that candy bar.

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    • Eliza Says:

      LaMotta–the bottom line is that most, if not all HEAVY men ARE picky. They want the creme of the crop in terms of women! yet they are rolly pollies. Not realistic. Sorry. And I don’t say this – based on visuals alone. Being fit, and working out consistently is a “lifestyle”–you don’t just lose weight–and stop working out. It’s part of everyday. People who are very fit, and healthy-are active. They usually run, bike, and/or take up other very mobile activities. They are not sedentary people. They are up and moving around. It’s very difficult for someone like that – to be compatible with someone that just works – sits down all day–and comes home – and plops on the couch – and watches TV–while stuffing their faces with food. It just doesn’t work. And also, in this country – we have a serious obesity issue stemming from “portion control”–or rather lack of portion control. Everything is supersized here in the states. Go anywhere in Europe–and you will see how people eat there. A lot less, and they do more walking.

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      • Coptic777 Says:

        Again more projection ladies. Fat men are the most picky? Who really buys that? If he is rich then I see what you are talking about. The fact is it is women who tend to be delusional. I remember an article that came out I think 2 yrs ago about a business woman who owned a dating service for professional singles & all she talk about how the women had the MOST unrealistic expectations. The men she said tend to know their value much more.

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  12. LaMotta Says:

    By the way, if I can’t tell from online profile pics whether I would want to approach a women in real life, I pass. Doesn’t matter how great the rest of the profile (or her face) is. I have found that that weight problems are a sign of all sorts of mental issues such as motivation and low self-esteem (which may now, sadly, be the norm) which I have no desire to deal with.

    On the other hand, huge bonus points for people who are not “naturally thin” who nevertheless figured out a way to be in shape and healthy. I actually prefer this to women who are just “naturally thin”, as this means all the mental aspects are contributing in a positive way.

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  13. PhillyGal Says:

    I have always been kind of annoyed by this issue. No matter how you slice it, I am curvy: I’m a size 10, a DDD and the literal definition of an hourglass shape. I love my body and embrace it. But I know that I can’t select curvy because it is now code for fat. Average also feels like it is heading in that direction as well, so I usually default to Athletic when choosing a body type descriptor.

    At 5’3 and 180, the OP was overweight or full-figured. Moxie hit it on the head when she said it is more about being self-aware. If she’s lost 30 or more pounds, she’s now in the Average zone.

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  14. The D-man Says:

    To me, curvy means overweight. I usually go for the smallish, almost petite girls, but there can be something about a woman with larger breasts (not gigantic), and if that means a little extra in other places I’m fine with that.

    I’m 190″, 5’9″ and muscular. I like to be able to pick up my girl and carry her up the steps. I can do that with a girl in the 150+ range but prefer 120 or less.

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  15. Kay Says:

    Ive always been underweight. I’m not ‘skin and bones thin’ yet people assume i weigh less than i do. A college friend of mine, whom I had not seen in almost 10 years, recently visited our hometown. He’s a producer in hollywood and is used to being around the actors and actresses. He mentioned how I hadn’t changed since college, but that in Hollywood, I’d probably be considered fat. I’m 5’6 and fluctuate between 105 and 108. I wasn’t offended; skin and bones seems to be the new average.

    I think just as hollywood sets the standard in beauty and fashion, it also sets the standard in weight. The average American may be a size 12 or 14 but the average celebrity may be a size 6; that becomes the new standard. What happens when a celebrity gains a few pounds? Even if they’re way under the ‘average’ 12 or 14, we speculate in what’s made them fat.

    Face it, when it comes to beauty and weight, averages aren’t based on the majority, most of whom we’ll never see in our lifetime. They’re based on the minority that we see all the time; celebrities and reality ‘stars’ in the magazines and movies, and on television shows we just can’t escape. Research may say one thing but our eyes say another.

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  16. Trouble Says:

    Technically speaking, I’m curvy: 5’4, 135 pounds, size DD breasts. I have an hour glass figure. It annoys me when someone who is technically obsese self-labels as curvy, but whatever. I used the term “average” to describe myself when dating, but would probably now use the term “fit.”

    I could be smaller, but I’m well within the healthy weight fat ratio for my height, and I exercise regularly. I could be skinnier, but I’m certainly not fat.

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  17. Craig Says:

    Kim Kardashian is curvy. Mariah Carey is curvy. Beyonce is curvy. A female who is 5’3, 180 does not share the same body type as these women. At that height and weight, a female is bordering on obesity if not already there. I am 6’0, 190 – a woman 9″ shorter yet only 10 pounds less than me is certainly overweight and fits best in the full-figured category. The OP doesn’t state what her weight is since beginning her weight loss efforts, so it’s impossible to guide her as to what her current body type description is. I note the OP complains about not getting quality posts, but quality is a relative term. One must ask themselves if they meet the defintion of quality for their target audience.

    I don’t buy into the reasoning that because the avergage female size in America is 14, one gets to call herself average. That is not a universal average for the entire world. America is a relatively unhealthy country expected to have an obesity rate as high as 50% by 2030, so our average is skewed. Travel to Asia and you’ll quickly find that average is a relative term. Go shopping abroad and you won’t even find the equivalent to U.S. double-digit clothes sizes in many parts of the world.

    Post full body shots and let your target audience judge for themselves your body type. This goes for men and women. I think it’s disingenuous and a waste of time to fib about one’s body type in a profile just to end up in more searches. That tactic never works out well when you meet someone in person. It’s why most men no longer even respond to profiles without full body shots. I know I never did.

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    • The D-man Says:

      I recently did a trip through Europe. Here’s what I noticed about body types for both men & women.

      Berlin: everyone is trim but not especially beautiful. Not exactly blue collar, but people don’t seem to bother to dress up.

      Prague: average 30lbs more than Berlin across the board.

      Vienna: Somewhere between Berlin and Prague

      Budapest: body type like Berlin, but everyone is absolutely beautiful. I saw several women every day who could be on the big screen. Lots of handsome guys too.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Craig–I agree. That’s heavy – 180lbs for 5’3???! When you are petite like that–every pound makes a difference. If you go to any doctor’s office — that physician will tell you – based on bone structure that someone at 5’3 – should weigh far less than 180. Sorry, but that’s reality. And yes, if you go to Europe you will how healthy people are, they eat better, lighter, and do more walking and exercise. They don’t eat fast food as we do here in the states…and they take far better care of themselves. Both men and women. Older and younger…doesn’t matter. at 5’3 or 5’4…one should be between the size of 4-8 at the most. And to be toned is another story…for that – one needs to weight train hard. At least 4-6 times a week. It’s commitment. But well worth it.

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  18. Michael Says:

    Of all the above comments, I would have to agree with both Craig and PhillyGal…the Kardashians and Mariah Careys of the world are the true definition of “curvy”…and I think that would be in most men’s eyes that are considered ‘visual men’…PhillyGal being a size 10 w/DDD’s would be put in the curvy class as well…Trouble would be in that class too….I guess I would be considered an old fashioned man when it comes to a woman’s type….Jayne Mansfield…Bettie Page…Dorthy Dandridge….and of course Marilyn Monroe….these were all beautiful women but were not called “curvy” back in the day….women like these were considered “overweight” back then…it really makes you laugh….those women were the true defintion of “curvy”….but naturally way too much emphasis is put on a person being “average”, “curvy” or “overweight”…a woman 5′ 3 and 200 lbs can carry her weight so well that SHE would be the true definition of curvy…there is way too much “labeling’ going on…what ever happened to simply enjoying that person’s company for the day or evening?…..dating should mean simply going out and having fun with the person that you are with…if that person is not your cup of tea, be honest enough to let them know….but if there are no romantic sparks, at least you may have made another new “friend” and that will last you a lot longer than another new ‘love’ in my estimation.

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  19. Todd Says:

    Stop reading into what you “describe” your body type as and how other people perceive it because it does not matter. Instead post current pics with full body shots and choose from the men that message you. If you are not satisfied with the men that message you, simply hide your profile, continue improving your body, and upload new pics once you have reached the best of your ability. Beyond that, there is not much else you can do. Men only care about what they are physically attracted to and what they see, a description is just that. Simple.

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  20. Dori Says:

    OP here:

    Thanks everyone for your responses. I guess the take home message is that it will be not too delusional to describe myself as average when I get to about 145 lb.

    Also, I wonder, what are thoughts on actually listing your weight (honestly) in the body of the profile?

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      No don’t do that. As I said in the previous thread, most people couldn’t properly or accurately identify what someone of a certain weight or height actually looks like. That’s because most people don’t even know how tall they are or how much they actually way. If people hear a certsin number above a standard they think “big.” Everybody carries weight differently.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      The descriptor used in one part of the profile isn’t really that important (though I’d avoid “curvy” for women as the idea has been hijacked). “Average” is fine. I didn’t realize that “Used-up” was an option: I may have to try it just out of perversity.

      Pictures will tell the story, assuming you have a recent full-body shot, because if you don’t, Moxie’s right that people will assume the worst.

      But I wouldn’t actually reveal a weight in a profile. If you’ve done well enough in the profile and pics to get a first meeting, it doesn’t matter, because they’ll know if your weight and how you carry it is attractive within the first several seconds…

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    • elizabeth Says:

      It is not how much you weigh,,,it is how you look!

      A muscular person will weigh more and look better than someone who does nothing physical.

      In all my years of dating…..I don’t know or ask about weight…..but I can certainly observe how the weight is distributed.

      The goal is to look and feel healthy at any weight. Sloppy fat or bone skinny never looks healthy.

      When a man or woman does not have a waist line…..something needs to be done…..get moving!

      Men with big bellys are asking for type 2 diabetes and impotence. Fat women are not healthy either. Don’t try to justify being fat…..it is a killer….just like smoking!

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    • D. Says:

      Don’t list your weight. The weight is just a number. What matters is how you carry it.

      Much of this stuff is subjective, anyway, although there’s usually a generally acceptable range. Put it this way. Christina Hendricks and Mariah Carey are both what I’d consider “curvy” although they’re built pretty differently. Mo’Nique? NOT curvy. “A little extra” or “Big and beautiful” or whathaveyou. But not curvy. Likewise, someone might be considered “fit” or “slim” or “average” depending on who you ask, but they wouldn’t be considered “a little extra,” ya know? My point here is that body type descriptions aren’t an exact science, but you still have to be realistic. As for your weight, it’s a number. It’s irrelevant if you’re carrying it in a way that appeals to someone. No guy is gonna make you weigh in if he thinks you’re attractive enough to ask you out.

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  21. chillybeans Says:

    Direct from Chilly’s Bureau of Sobering Statistics (and the CDC):

    http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/overwt.htm

    •Percent of adults age 20 years and over who are obese: 35.9% (2009-2010)
    •Percent of adults age 20 years and over who are overweight (and not obese): 33.3% (2009-2010)

    Source: Health, United States, 2011, table 69 [PDF – 9.8 MB]

    My question is, if 69.2% of Americans are overweight or obese, doesn’t that make being heavy average?
    And being “average” according to traditional height/weight charts, thin?

    It gets even more confusing when it comes to women’s clothing sizes. I have a pair of size 4 jeans that are a “curvy” cut, and I have sizes ranging form 0 to 10 in my closet (I’m 5’5″ 120-125 lbs) I used to consider myself “curvy” because I have an hourglass shape, but agree that now seems to be euphemism for overweight.
    It seems OKC has added a whole bunch of categories since I was last on it….

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  22. Mark Says:

    To the OP;

    Do you have relatives who have young children?

    Do you want an unvarnished truth about how others perceive you? If the answer is yes then ask these children. More likely than not they will give an honest answer. Take that answer and proceed forward.

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  23. Jen Says:

    I am on both OKC and POF and while I consider myself average, I’m 5’6″ and at the end of my “normal” weight range for my height. However I changed my description to slender/thin as I found that when I said average it seemed everyone was surprised that I smaller than expected (which is good), but the big difference I found was the number of emails I get now with the body type as slender/thin vs when I said average. To me it seems average is now code for a few extra pounds. And I know when I’m looking at guy’s profiles I get frustrated to see them select average when it is obvious that they have 20-50 lbs extra based on their pics.

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  24. singlegirlie Says:

    I agree with Moxie – putting overweight/full-figured is not a sign of low self-esteem. Actually, I think putting “curvy” is more a sign of low self-esteem, because it seems like you’re trying to hide something. Now, people who’ve been dating online (and reading about dating online) for a while understand that curvy is used on these sites by many women as a euphemism for overweight. But initially, I thought curvy meant, like, Sofia Vergara. Who is definitely not overweight. I have heard some men complain about plus-size women labeling themselves as curvy. Not all men, of course, but some.

    Honestly, the terms listed could be construed differently by different people. It’s all pretty subjective. I personally think “full-figured” is honest without being pejorative.

    I didn’t know you could search by body type, and I understand that presents a tricky issue. Ultimately, your *recent* photos are going to be the best indicator of your body type.

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  25. Heru Says:

    I must say based on my experience & also just reviewing online profiles & talking to friends strangers at Norm’s restaurant all men A LOT of big girls are simply delusional. I commend this woman for losing weight. It should be for herself first before finding a man though. Anyways one can go to POF or OKCUPID & click & at least every 3rd profile of a “BBW” will straight say they either want a athletic man or you can not be overweight. Let me say this. I use to have a thing for chunky girls w/ pretty faces. I gave up on them for two reasons. Their delusional expectations & my financial situation is significantly improving. Actually I was looking for a commitment BEFORE things got better for me but now I am getting cautious & thinking otherwise. I work out 6″ 230 lbs not Brad Pitt but not ugly. It really was just a thing I had for them ever since I was young. Slim women were ideal still in no way would I turn down a girl who was a little overweight all long as she was pretty.
    I could go over stories of dates I have been on for example where a girl is overweight sitting across a dinner table from me & when asked what kind of man does she want physically mentions the name of a supermodel & will not settle for less than type. We have a problem & this is not uncommon. I have been there dating them. Been on a date w/ a overweight Hollywood director & she thought she was somehow going to do better despite the fact the other women in the bar were thinner & WAY better looking & it I would not be out of place if I were on a date w/ one of them instead. Just being real not bragging. I ran into a lot of women on some sort mood stabilizing medication or at least in therapy in fact more most were. W/ thinner women I have noticed this less but still it’s true at least 1 in 4 women in the U.S. are on some form of mood stabilizing meds. Something to think about it folks. Anyways this is my opinion. I am just a guy who has been there & over it. Not worth it for me

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  26. GI_JANE Says:

    You know I think online and in real life it is harder to date being an overweight woman period. I feel like we most of us women think we can go online and guys will judge us based on our personality. I think that is true maybe 30% of the time, the other time they look at your photos and make a quick decision before reading ONE word you have to say.

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  27. grace Says:

    OMG. This issue of weight and dating is rough. I am soooooooooo relieved that I have lost 24 of the 30lbs I needed to lose. I am 5″7 and very close to fitting comfortably into my size 8/10 wardrobe. I spent 2011 a size 14/16 and felt like my middle name should be Shamou (sp?). Believe it or not, I am actually looking forward to jumping back into the dating game at the ripe old age of 47.

    I agree with the posters that say full body shot pictures will give online admirers a more accurate view of who you are, but even that isn’t necessarily accurate as pics put some weight on you. So what do you do? LOL!!

    I applaud people for even trying to soldier on in dating. I know SO many people who haven’t dated or had sex in 10 years because they are so tired of the dating game.

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