Question: Lately I have been noticing a lot of ladies on POF mention chemistry in their profile.Something along the lines of there must be chemistry or they will know right away if there is chemistry. I never remember seeing this as often as I do now. Isnt it implied people want to feel that? You dont go looking for a car saying it must have brakes. Yes its important but to mention it specifically seems unnecessary.
Maybe it is because these ladies have gone on so many dates without chemistry they feel the need to mention it. When I see that I dont even bother anymore. My track record of getting a second date with someone who puts chemistry in their profile isn’t very good. I have heard the no chemistry reason after a first date plenty of times. And if I had good first dates there wasnt any mention of that. Maybe thats just a coincidence. Seems like the ladies who write that just have a higher bar that I can’t reach. Since you look at profiles for your clients I was wondering if you have any insight as to why they do this because you never really know if there is chemistry until you go out- why mention it beforehand? Thank you.
You really answered your own question. You’re absolutely right that women and men who mention how important chemistry is are letting you know that they rarely find it on their dates. Know why?
Chemistry isn’t real and it doesn’t exist. Chemistry is an idea that was put into our heads by rom coms and TV. When these people say they’re looking for chemistry, what they’re actually telling you is that they want to have one of those magical first dates where, by the end, the pair is completing the other person’s sentences.
A lack of chemistry is also one of those indisputable arguments that people like to use to explain why they’re still single. For example, a woman saying she wants a man of integrity is an indisputable argument. Of course she does. Therefore, if she says that a man she met, that she barely knows, had no integrity, nobody would say she was being too picky. Of course, she can’t quantify or accurately pin point *why* she feels the man lacks integrity. It’s just something she “knows.”
Lack of chemistry is usually the default reasoning for no second date. It sounds acceptable, right? But if you ask someone to explain what they mean by “no chemistry” they typically respond by saying that there was no click or that “something” was missing. Well, what was that? Nine time out of ten, they can’t identify or accurately express what was missing. The true explanation is that they didn’t have the experience they had created in their head as what constitutes a “great date.”
And therein lies the problem. The “great date”is usually one that resembles that one date they had 5 years ago that led to a relationship that was omigod so amazing! From there on out, if a date doesn’t follow that exact pattern, there was no chemistry. These people are trying to re-capture something. They have told themselves that that is the missing part of the Magic Formula. If the date plays out like that one amazing date they had once, then it has potential. If it doesn’t, there’s no future. We spoke about this earlier: the Magic Formula people are convinced that their relationship is successful because it involves certain and specific aspects or steps. It’s an immature way of thinking that is applied to a relationship to make someone feel special or different.
I believe in the existence of synergy and attraction. Maybe that’s how many people define “chemistry.” I think it’s acceptable to want that. But when you see or hear someone express their desire for “chemistry” in a profile, you’re correct in taking that as a warning sign.
I just had this conversation with a profile review client this week. I told her to look out for the guys who include things in their profile about how they’re looking for “a partner in crime” or “a special lady to share their life with.” These are romanticized ideals said either to grease the wheels a bit or out of a total lack of experience with actual relationships. People are better off saying that they’re looking for companionship and attraction, someone with whom they can enjoy various activities and experiences. That’s more accurate and realistic. That’s what you want in a partner. You want someone who knows it’s going to be difficult at times. You don’t want someone who appears have based their ideas and opinions of relationship on fairy tale like images.