Should He Date Twentysomethings or Thirtysomethings?

Hi Moxie:

I hit the big four-zero this past December, so I’m entering a new
phase of dating. I have a dating-guidance question.

A bit of background is in order: I’m average-to-good looking,
educated, well traveled, doing OK at work (clear over $100k), over 6
feet, athletic (I could stand to lose 10lbs but not 20lbs). Basically,
my question comes down to this: on OK Cupid, if I initiate
conversation with attractive women in their mid-to-late 20’s, I do
pretty well. But the women in their mid-to-late 30’s are chasing me -
emails, rating me highly, etc.

Where do you think my time would be better invested?



I think the days of every woman in her mid to late thirties being anxious to march down the aisle or get a guy to support her or otherwise lock a man down are somewhat in the past. I’m sorry, but that’s just not the case any more.

I have a male friend who is in his early forties. He’s employed, I assume he makes a great salary because he’s a lawyer, owns his own place, etc. He regularly dates women in their mid to late thirties. Multiple women. At the same time. And they all know they aren’t exclusive. He doesn’t tell them he’s dating other women. He also never tells them or even alludes to any of them being that things could get serious or exclusive.

He doesn’t have any problems. No talks about where things are going. No questions about where he sees things going. These women all seem perfectly content with the relationship as is.

If your decision to date the women in their twenties over the women in their thirties has to do with believing that they want want anything too serious too quickly, you’re cutting yourself off at the knees. Plenty of thirty-five plus women are okay with a casual relationship. they make their own money and have developed a satisfying personal/social life. The guy is a bonus.

The twenty-something, for the most part, see you as an experiment. It’s like the people in Manhattan who date people in Queens. It’s something new, something different, maybe even a mini-adventure. But they don’t expect or probably even want things to get serious. Not only that, but your average twenty-something doesn’t want her Baby Daddy to be a first time dad in his forties. If you’re one of those men in their forties who is still holding on to your dream of having kids, you should be looking at the the women in their late thirties. The twenty-eight year olds can far too easily pull a guy in his early thirties.

As for which age bracket offers a lower degree of difficulty, I’ll say the twenty-somethings win that one. Somebody said it in the comments yesterday: if a woman is in her late thirties and has never been married and has been single for any reasonably long time, there’s a reason. As such, she has become intolerant of certain things. Sometimes justifiably. She has also likely befriended women equally intolerant and difficult. Which means when she does that thing that I always tell women not to do (seek dating advice from female friends) the feedback she gets will be badly skewed.

Many women assume that men prefer women in their twenties just because they’re younger and that’s not true. Many men prefer women in their twenties because these women have less baggage and bad relationship experience. They are easier to deal with on an on going basis. Frankly, I think there is merit to that opinion.

Speaking of which, I thought I’d ask you guys your opinion of something work-related. So, we host speeddating events in NYC and Boston. I’m noticing a trend of behavior and I’m trying to figure out what, if any, policies I can put in place to prevent this behavior from happening too frequently. We offer people $12 off events if they pre-pay with a friend. Inevitably, any time we have an event for the 38+ crowd, there will be a pair of women who show up and cause a commotion about something innocuous. Last night, we had a woman arrive at our Boston event assuming that the speeddating event would start at 7pm. The event itself does start at 7. The first round of speeddating starts at 7:30. We give people time to arrive, check in, get a drink and relax/mingle. Well, this one particular woman decided to be quite vocal about how dissatisfied she was that we didn’t start right at 7pm, so she left at 7:25 or so, despite our host explaining to her the schedule for the evening.

Now, this is not an isolated incident. (Though this does seem more common in Boston. People in NYC are used to waiting around for trains, buses, etc.) A woman and her friend sign up, arrive at the event at the advertised start time, and proceed to find something to not just complain about but use as a reason to implode. We rarely have more than 3 of one gender at any event, and always make sure we have minimum of 7 each or else we cancel the event (which almost never happens.) So these women have the opportunity to meet minimum 7 guys. Yes, especially in the older age range, we sometimes have 2 or 3 more women, but we do what we can to prevent that. So the extra women have to sit alone for 5-15 minutes waiting for their turn. But they still meet every guy in attendance. Also, if we list an event as sold out for women, at least 2 women just won’t show up, which usually evens the numbers.

In any case, this happens all of the time to the point where my hosts are now trained to pay special attention to the women who register with friends to try and alleviate any concerns or anxiety. I have no problem if a woman wants to leave if there aren’t enough men. But that’s never the problem.

1. The women feel threatened by the other women. Another commonality we notice is that the women who create the commotion are almost always the oldest in the group. My hosts always comment that the women who attend these events are quite attractive.

2. The women don’t see anyone they like. – Okay, I understand that. But they can’t manage to put on a smile for 60 minutes?

3. They are nervous. – The fact that they register with a friend tells me they don’t want to attend alone. The problem is that if one leaves, the other leaves.

As I said..we never see this in the events for the under 35 crowd. Ever. It is always at the events that go above 40. What really gets me about it is that these women make spectacles of themselves, thereby perpetuating that stereotype that single women over 40 are miserable and difficult. They try to tell the host how to run the event, stand at the check in station and loudly complain or sit at their assigned tables and vent to other guests. (Make special note of something: we never see this behavior from the male attendees. Ever. Ever ever ever. )

What do you think this is about?


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59 Responses to “Should He Date Twentysomethings or Thirtysomethings?”

  1. Paul Murray Says:

    “Inevitably, any time we have an event for the 38+ crowd, there will be a pair of women who show up and cause a commotion about something innocuous.”

    Because at that age their testosterone levels start to rise, and unlike men they don’t have the socialization to restrain their aggression. They’ve been told to express and act out their feelings all their lives, the special snowflakes.

    As for the 20s vs 30s argument, I have heard that younger women are tighter, lubricate more, and have a texture inside their vagina that tends to wear off with age. If it’s just sex, then why not go for the more expensive fleshlight?

    • Howard Says:

      It’s called programming, regarding these women who behave badly at speed dating. People do what they imagine they can get away with. It’s an entitlement thing. But they are deluded. Time has passed them by, and nobody cares about catering to them. The behavior seen at speed dating is pretty much indicative of mindsets throughout much of the dating and relationship situations out there.

      Too many women are just too damn picky and over the top-emotional to achieve success in the dating arena. If they could just look in the mirror, and really see themselves for what they are, just maybe they might get it.

      Regarding the OP, adjusting to over forty or over fifty seems to have become difficult, because people stayed in a time-bubble too long. He should have been adjusting all the way through the thirties, but at 38 or 39, he kept telling himself he was still relatively young and had all the time in the world. The number, 40, is suddenly the wake up call. In life, one has to love those that love him or her. There are amazing women in every age category. There are thirty somethings in better shape than 95% of twenty somethings. It’s time to grow up buddy, and look at woman for who she is first, rather than being stuck in “What age is she?”

    • MrWombat Says:

      Are people down voting me because of my comment about menopause, or because I said something down on “just sex” relationships?

      Maybe I should have broken thins into two posts.

  2. Deborah Says:

    From the sounds of it, the women in their 20’s aren’t considering you.

  3. Deborah Says:

    as for the guy who is seeing multiples, all these women have a hidden agenda, and they are being “cool” until they find out if things are exclusive. then they leave.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      No they don’t. They still stick around.

      • Deborah Says:

        well then they are waiting too long. I’ve done that, and although the guys I seen weren’t seeing anyone else, I stuck around thinking it was leading somewhere, often for a couple of years or more. Thinking that it was a relationship and we were getting to know each other, and we would get married. But that was wrong. so now I’m 43 and waited too long. I didn’t test to see where things were going. And I know a lot of women tend to wait too long as well, it’s not just me.

        • Deborah Says:

          and also, we all come in with our assumptions. That one guy is assuming these girls like things as they are. He isn’t testing it. the girls are probably assuming there are no other girls or that he’ll pick her first or whatever…that’s how the sexes are, they make assumptions that the other sex wants the same thing.

          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            Well, no. Women like you do that. Don’t lump us all in to make yourself feel better that you pissed away whatever opportunities you had.

      • Howard Says:

        Of course they stick around and we know why. He has what it takes on a hot button issue critical to them. Let me paint two scenarios. First scenario, If I meet a woman and talk with her and tell her who I am and what I do, then ask her for her number, I have a mid-range level of success.

        Second scenario: I don’t even ask a woman for her number. I don’t say much about me. I talk casually about not much, I just give her my business card and tell her to email me. I know she is going to google me or linkedin check me or something like that. They all send me a phone text message the next day.

        • The D-man Says:

          Does the results of a Google search for you indicate high status? It may be that not saying much about yourself, only to have her find out later online, creates a sense of mystery and then surprise. Maybe I should try this…

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Magic Formula!

    • Kay Says:

      News Flash: all women don’t have a hidden agenda. We sometimes want to date multiple guys and if we like a guy but are unsure about certain things (his location, baggage, etc), its best to not put all of our eggs in an open-bottomed basket. Why exclusively date someone if you’re not sure where the relationship is going, or if he/she is serious about you? Until my partner and I decided to be exclusive and committed to each other (and have ‘the talk’), I continue dating others and assume he is as well. As long we’re being honest with each other and are sexually responsible, we both get what we want until we decide that we only want each other.

  4. Deborah Says:

    uuhm, I think to say all women in their thirties think a certain way is inaccurate. Everyone has their own unique situation. For example, I’m 43 and never have gotten married, I expect to start fresh like a 25 year old and be treated in the manner.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Oh my God. How tragic.

      • Deborah Says:

        You have a negative tone. that’s not a sign of support or an intelligent way to reply. It’s s sign of abuse.

        • Snowflake Says:

          Sarcasm = abuse? God (facepalm) I missed that memo too????!!!!! WTF!!!

        • Brad Says:

          Deborah, you’re going to be a ROCKSTAR around here. Any opinion you have on any topic, I want you to post. Don’t filter, don’t hold back, don’t be deterred by ANY negative feedback.

          You just tell us any and every thought/feeling that comes into your pretty little head. If other posters don’t understand it’s their fault.

        • Zammo Says:

          Playing the abuse card so early? Poor move. You should have waited until Moxie really let you have it and then at least one white knight and one other woman would rush to soothe your sensibilities and validate your life decisions.

    • lmv Says:

      Seriously, Deborah?!?!? You expect to be treated like a 25 year old? Bwaa ha ha ha!

      I, too, am a 43 year old female who has never been married, but do I expect to be treated like a 25 year old with no baggage? Hell no. I know I have baggage. I’m 43 and never married – that’s baggage right there!

      • Deborah Says:

        yes because I have ASD and I have the social ability of a 25 year old. As well I have the emotions men want: non dramatic. and I look about my early thirties apparently. Also it’s my belief, it’s proper Christian belief not to marry someone who has been divorced (it’s called adultery) so I do expect someone to live up to that expectation. I’ve also analysed the statistics to find out the men are reason to marry is within their early thirties. Anyway I’m not reading this thread anymore with people mocking me when I haven’t done that to them. Shame on you. this is a world where we can choose our destiny and design our lives. Except maybe in Muslim countries. But anyway, I have full freedom to do so. Good luck to you all, your tongues are are sharp and distasteful. So that means I’m too good to talk to you since I’m kind.

        • Howard Says:

          Deborah, It’s fornication if he had sex with anyone else too. That’s a sin too. But you don’t eliminate those guys, because there would be no one left. Oh maybe it’s because you have fallen short there too. I am so tired of this selective proper Cristian belief thing.

        • wishing u well Says:

          Well, as a Christian, you’re not “too good” to talk to anyone. Right? After all, God is love and is not a Respector of persons. So if you are truly attempting to be “Christ-like” you can hold someone accountable / give your opinion without berating in the process. In addition to this – I highly recommend that you research the culture and the societal norms at the time that it was estimated that Christ walked the earth. This, and research grace in the Bible – study it. It might help give you some perspective…along with Romans 3. Let’s not forget that God doesn’t rate sin: people do. If you’re going to go there, at least be accurate and informed….

    • mindstar Says:

      We all want things we can’t have. To state that as a 43 woman who has never been married you “expect to start fresh like a 25 year old and be treated in that manner” is as delusional as a man in his 50s expecting to date 25 year olds and that he will be treated by them in the same manner they treat their peers.

  5. Kay Says:

    I think younger women are also more sexually adventurous. They’re open-minded, experimental and don’t come with a list of ‘I don’t do that’. I see this quite often in my circle. I’m the youngest, 31, and for my older friends (ranging from late 30’s to early 50’s), sex isn’t very important In a relationship; they can take it or leave it.

    • Deborah Says:

      true people are trying any old thing these days for the sake of whateverness.

    • Eliza Says:

      Not sure what women you are referring, but I find that given the right physical connection, and trust level, andd based on personality of the individuals…any woman can be sexually adventurous–and some women in their 40’s are more energetic or sexually in tune than some 20-30 something year olds. If a woman can take or leave it – when it comes to sex…she needs to get her hormones checked or meet a man that is more compatible with her in that department.

  6. LaMotta Says:

    I’m in my early 30s and I have learned to avoid 30-something women. The baggage is definitely much higher, as is the stubbornness and inflexibility. They also want to rush things and get to the “start a family stage” quicker. Not that I don’t want to do that within the next few years, but we are talking about getting way too serious in a month or two.

    I’d rather date 20-somethings who are more focused on developing themselves (school, work, just experiencing the world) who are willing to let a relationship develop at a slower pace.

    • LaMotta Says:

      Also I keep myself up well, more than the typical 30-something I might date, so I can run with 20-somethings legitimately (e.g. last night I was out with some 20-year olds, and they guessed “our age” as my age. They were 22 and 23. I’m 32). I think it’s only appropriate for me to match up with someone similar, who if not actually that young, has a similar perspective of keeping themselves up well and not getting prematurely “curmudgeonly.”

      • Selena Says:

        You’re worried about becomming “curmudgeonly” at the age of 32?

        Being able to read things like this is why I bless the invention of the internet.

        Can’t wait to see what you will be writing at 40, 50, 60, 75 LaMotta. ;)

    • Chianti_Z Says:

      LaMotta, I agree with you, unfortunately. These 30 to 40 something year old women that are obnoxious rude and inflexible are killing it for the more stable women in this age range. And yes, I am 43 and divorced. If I were a guy and tried to date one of these old cows, and had to deal with the attitude, I would never look at a woman that age again, ever. I have a hard time dating men in my age range, because there is a male counterpart to that old obnoxious cow and it ain’t pretty. LOL

      I have never beat up a guy that dates a woman in her 20s, ever. I know that these younger women have much less baggage and are more flexible. These women look great and are a breath of fresh air compared to the old cows that raid the speed dating events. LOL I feel the same about guys in their late 20s. I just can’t bring myself to hanging around a guy that I couldn’t have a decent conversation with, but I totally understand what makes them attractive.

      Good luck LaMotta, do you bro, do you. LOL

  7. Zammo Says:

    “What really gets me about it is that these women make spectacles of themselves, thereby perpetuating the stereotype that single women over 40 are miserable and difficult. They try to tell the host how to run the event, stand at the check in station and loudly complain or sit at their assigned tables and vent to other guests.”

    When such a woman arrives at your event, she’s seeing face-to-face her situation – over 40, single, and facing competition or directly seeing the type of men that she might end up dating. Her frustration and distress can’t be controlled and it spills out emotionally with a public spectacle. The best you can do is make it extremely clear well beforehand that the event starts at 7PM and the first round of speeddating starts at 7:30PM and that she might have to wait a few minutes to meet a man.

    It’s pretty obvious that a woman willing to make a public spectacle of herself is single for a reason. She’s probably gone to many singles events and done the same annoying things.

    An alternative is to hire a “bouncer”. I don’t mean some thug to turf these bitchy dames into the street. I mean a tall, well-dressed, well-spoken guy over 30 who commands attention with his presence and his voice. The officiating at your events has too much estrogen. Get a man in there, gay or straight, it doesn’t matter. He just has to be masculine. I’d volunteer but I’m too far away ;)

  8. K Says:

    Hmm, seems like maybe the wrong approach to ask “should I date 30-somethings or 20-somethings.” I mean, sure you can generalize about groups, but people are individuals, and there are screwed-up women in both age groups. Why not hit both groups by 1) reponding to the very best / most interesting of the 30’s women who contact the OP, exchanging a few emails and setting up dates with the ones who he’s legit interested in, and 2) Messaging the 20-something women who seem like the best bets for him.

    My point is, if he’s got so much action on these sites that he has to figure out where best to invest his time, then why not just do a high degree of filtering and work the best of both age groups until he finds someone he likes.

    He also didn’t specify what he’s looking for – a serious relationship or casual dating with multiple women. So it’s kind of hard to say what type of woman is a better direction for him to pursue. Either way, why not just spend some time each day responding to emails from women who interest him, and sending emails to women who interest him. If that’s too much work, just filter more. Get to know the women by having a drink with them, and see who he feels like going out with again. Seems simple!

  9. Selena Says:

    I’ve never lived in a city that holds speed-dating events, so I can only speculate on why women over 40 might be more difficult at such a function. Could it be they view it as a competition of sorts with the other women present? Assessing who’s more attractive, thinner, better dressed? Who in the group might the men be more likely to prefer?

    I can see how viewing speed dating as a potential way to meet a new man may engender adventerous, hopeful feelings, but viewing it as being in a “contest” could engender negative feelings and those feelings being expressed in snarky ways. Since it gets harder to meet similarly aged singles the further removed one is from their 20’s, my guess would be younger women may be less likely to feel the sense of competition. There are more single men under 35 for starters, more men in advanced age ranges interested in women under 35 also. The “club scene” in many cities is geared for the under 30 set – another way to meet singles before middle age.

    The size of these events seems to be pretty small. If you had more men and women in attendance, do you think that might make it feel less of a competition, and more like a fun gathering?

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      We keep them small intentionally because the more options people have, the less they choose. People are more likely to get matches when there’s a limited number of potential matches. Plus, the people who get 3+ matches end up always blowing off the other matches to focus on their first choice. Which leads to people emailing us asking why so and so didn’t respond to them.

      • Selena Says:

        Thank you for explaining Moxie, that does make sense. What do you think of the competition theory? Have you observed any correlation between the women who make trouble and their appearance compared to the women who don’t and their appearance?

        Again, I can only speculate, but it seems to me that if a woman were to be *difficult* at such a small gathering, it might be a type of defense mechanism out of fear she wouldn’t be “chosen” by the men. Thoughts?

    • D. Says:

      I’d bet it’s mostly people who don’t want to be there in the first place, but are either doing it out of desperation or have been cajoled into it by a more adventurous friend. They show up already uncomfortable, anxious, or at best doubtful of the whole thing, then seize on whatever minor negative event (e.g. “WE HAVE TO WAIT TIL 7:30?! UNACCEPTABLE!!”) and let that become the thing they’re hanging their hat on as to why they want out. It’s better than saying “Because I never wanted to be here to start with,” or “Because what if nobody picks me? I can’t handle that!”

      There’s sort of a balance point between where a person is uncomfortable and resistant and where they’re uncomfortable but committed to giving it a shot. Whatever “it” may be. Online dating, speed dating, matchmaker service, going out dancing, kickball, therapy, whatever. Put it this way. If we’re talking bungee jumping, these are the people who get to the top of the platform, look down, and freak out. Others may be scared, but they make the leap anyway. The people who lose it at these events and lash out about whatever in some attempt to vent their anxiety should probably pay more attention to their gut instincts and not put themselves in such a position in the first place. If they’re really NOT on board with speed dating, even if their friend really wants them to go, they should probably just say “Nah. Just no my thing, but you go have fun. Good luck!”

  10. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    My experience as a 40-something professional dating in NYC is that almost all women, regardless of their age, want an exclusive relationship (or, at least say they do) and the real effort, for me, is managing these women so that I can remain uncommitted and single. I don’t see the trend that Moxie identifies. On the rare occasion that I tell a woman that things aren’t going anywhere, the romantic relationship usually ends.
    Honesty is not rewarded. Not in this life.

    I don’t typically date women younger than 28-29 but more power to you if you can swing it. In the range that I date, I do agree that older women in general are more “teenage-like” in their sexual hangups – explicitly trading sex for exclusivity, playing the waiting game, expecting extravagant romantic gestures, and other silliness. But, in terms of physical differences, I don’t notice any particular discernable patterns – I’ve dated older women who were highly physically responsive and younger women who were cold fish. I can only assume the commenter above has never actually experienced a vagina.

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      With respect to Moxie’s friend, if he’s anything like me, I suspect that the women in his life are not agreeable to a casual situation – they just don’t fully realize they are in one, and he effectively changes the subject when concerns are raised. I know, for me, that in real life I’m so reserved and “normal” that most women don’t think I am even capable of being a clownish player, so their guard is down.

      In other words, I must, regrettably, agree with hyper-religious, Autism victims on this issue.

      Okay, I need to stop writing because I’m getting a terrific cramp in my pimp hand.

  11. Deborah Says:

    hmm well anyway, I suppose my ASD makes me different. Although I waited long, it was probably because I wasn’t ready, because I didn’t feel ready to look for anything until 2 years ago. However now everyone is treating me like shit, just like on here. It seems like people are bashing 30 year olds. I’m 43 and I have the fresh mentality of a 25 with the wisdom probably of an 80 year old. So, I’ll get what I want. Younger guys are attracted to me all the time, and I’ve be

    • Deborah Says:

      I can’t edit what I wrote but it somehow posted before I was ready. As I was saying younger guys seem to like me, and don’t try to jump into bed with me, but are attracted and date me. I think it’s because of my personality to be frank.

      • stephanie Says:

        i’m assuming you have aspergers, as my 15 year old son does. you are being unrealistic in your expectations, and i hope that you have someone close to you that you can talk to about relationships. i do wish you the best of luck in your life, and i hope you find what you’re looking for. i do believe that you’ll have better luck finding what you want if you can just find a friend or family member to help guide you.
        best of luck to you~!

    • LostSailor Says:

      I suppose my ASD makes me different

      Yes, ASD makes you a special snowflake.

      However now everyone is treating me like shit, just like on here

      Hmmm. Could there be an attitude problem that is causing that?

      I’m 43 and I have the fresh mentality of a 25 with the wisdom probably of an 80 year old. So, I’ll get what I want.

      Yup. There it is . I doubt you have the “mentality” of a 25 year old. Perhaps the immaturity of a maladjusted 25 year old. I also doubt you’ll get what you want.

      I think it’s because of my personality to be frank.

      Nah. They just don’t want spook you before they get you horizontal. How many of them stick around?

      • The D-man Says:

        Having dated someone with ASD myself, I will say that her candidness was really refreshing. Unlike most women, she didn’t “drop hints,” she just said what she wanted.

      • stephanie Says:

        why be an asshole to someone on the spectrum? does it make you feel better as a person? because, if it does – well that says a lot about YOUR character.

        • Joey Giraud Says:

          Sailor may deny being PUA, but he talks the talk. Online PUA’s pack a lot of anger toward women, specifically perceived entitlement.

          Where you see social immaturity or naiveté they see an over-privileged princess who must be negged.

          This can lead to the “pack of hyenas” effect, as seen on Heartiste, aka Roissy’s trashy little site.

          • LostSailor Says:

            Nah, PUA is a young man’s game and I’m not a young man. I also take women as they come, like I take all people. I would treat any man with the same sense of entitlement and rude attitude and ego worse than I would the women who act similarly.

            As to Stephanie’s comment, my character is just fine. I bear hate toward no one, though I will admit antipathy toward the more aggressive feminists….

  12. New_NYC_Resident Says:

    Moxie – i have the answer to your question (and it’s the reason i moved from Boston to NYC in 2009). Women in Boston who are single, and 35+, are difficult, whiny, entitled complaining bitter beeotches. When i originally formed this opinion (while i still lived in Boston), everyone said *i* was the one being bitter. But i knew it wasnt me – i had travelled and lived elsewhere in the US, and couldnt believe how nice women were in, for example, NYC.

    In fact, that’s why i moved to NYC – to get away from the toxic Boston women. It’s the best decision i ever made. When i’ve gone back to Boston to visit, and i go out to bars, i laugh tears of joy and pity at the poor 40 year old male schmucks who have no idea what they’re dealing with.

  13. John Says:

    “Last night, we had a woman arrive at our Boston event assuming that the speeddating event would start at 7pm. The event itself does start at 7. The first round of speeddating starts at 7:30″

    When you advertise the event, or when they get their receipts just simply disclose the agenda. Say that mingling and coat check begins at 7 and that the actual speeddating begins at 7:30. This way there are no surprises. Maybe its a silly thing to have to do, but in this case if it happened more than once, it isnt a coincidence. These are your customers regardless of their age. So if a simple disclosure as to the timeline of events fixes the problem, to me that is well worth doing.

    • D. Says:

      That’d solve the issue IF the issue is just the timing of the events. But seriously, stop and think about it a second. Is that REALLY what’s driving these women batty? They can’t wait half an hour for a speed-dating event? They can’t just hang out, grab a drink, and exchange some chitchat with folks? Think about that for a second. I’d bet they’re looking for an excuse or a reason to vent their anxiety/frustration, and once they find a remotely plausible one, that’s where ALL the frustration goes. It’s why they get as bent out of shape as they do. The degree of the blowup is (from the sound of it) well beyond what’s reasonable for the problem at hand. And that just proves it. They aren’t blowing up about the immediate problem. The immediate problem just gives them “permission” to let loose all that anxiety.

      Which begs the question — what happens if you remove that one problem? Right. They find another one. They’re LOOKING for something to complain about because they don’t really want to be there in the first place. If it wasn’t the timing, it’d be that the lighting is too bright/too dim. Or that the seating doesn’t suit them. Or that the room is too cold. Or too warm. Or whatever. So, yeah, you can remove that one issue (and it’s not a bad idea to lay out the agenda just to avoid that very problem), but I wouldn’t count on that solving the problem of the uncomfortable, anxious ranting client.

      • Joey Giraud Says:

        The real problem is that they got all dolled up to go to an event they probably would rather avoid, only to find some overweight, balding old guys, when they had something like Fabio in mind.

        • LostSailor Says:

          Or they’re the type of women who has to control every aspect of any situation rigidly, lest cracks appear in the fragile facade of their supposedly fabulous life…

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      If we advertise that check in starts at 7 and the speeddating rounds start at 7:30, everyone will take that to mean they can show up by 7:25. We don’t want that. If you tell people that the last possible time they can arrive is X, then they will abuse that and show up just before X, creating a crunch that inevitably delays the event. That’s what happened when we used to advertise it that way. We want people there to mingle and relax first. It helps them make a better first impression when on their speeddates.

      • VJ Says:

        Sounds like a sensible plan. For formal events, political events or speaking events at night, often if they’re scheduled for 3 hours, it means this: the First Hour is for mingling, eating & socializing. The 2nd Hour is for the event Program, speakers or what have you. The 3rd hour is often reserved for questions, more specific donor appeals and socializing for the folks arriving late. As I live way in the ‘burbs, I often get to these events scheduled in the city during or just after rush hour about an hour late, but I almost never miss the programming. That’s how the pros do it if they’ve got the time & the money for the space and reservations. Good Luck, ‘VJ’

  14. joe-f Says:

    I think it is natural selection. The nice women who can put on a smile for 60 minutes are already in relationships. You are not going to make everyone happy. I attended several of your events and I found them to be helpful.

    I was 32 when I went looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage, I specifically excluded anyone under 26. I know there are plenty of mature 25 and under out there but I already had my hands full with women above 26+. More importantly, the reason I choose someone close to my age is so we can relate to each other. We grew up in the same time and are at the same place in our careers. I dated the 25 and under crowd before my search and I felt they were too unstable in what they want do with their lives, what they want five years from now etc to build a relationship with.

    I am now 35 and if I was searching for someone now, it would probably be 30+, definitely after grad school or a good 8+ years away from mom and dad.

  15. Steve From the City Next Door Says:

    It has been many years since I have attended a speed dating event…I didn’t think they were still held. None of the events were put on by Moxie.

    The appropriate thing to do is to advertise registration starts at 7pm, please check in by at 7:15 so Speed Dating can start at 7:30. Or even better – registration 6:45-7pm. Speed Dating at 7pm. Yes people will show up only a few minutes before hand…every one of the events I was to were able to handle it. Thus, as a professional you can too.

    That 30 minutes mixer time before speed dating just has a weird vibe.- not relaxing at all. The purpose of speed dating is not have these weird mixes and such. I imagine for those that don’t want to be there it is like the wait for the dentist for me. Things can easily get negative.- I particularly remember one where at 7:25 7 of the guys had shown and none of the women. Someone grumbled and it snowballed from there. At a different event I was talking with women before had – well, she makes it obvious she is not the least bit interested. Just a happy hour – fine…but here 20 minutes later we are sitting across from each other for 5 minutes and she is barely being polite….we end up sitting there silently. Of course my next date sees this and I can tell she has written me off already…though she was polite.

    I tend to think the problem people will be problems no matter what.

    Other things I have experienced that were bad news. Multiple events at the same time. You see a cute girl and you don’t get to meet her. Even if different age groups…someone close to the split still might experience this. Any significant benefit for not having a mutual match. At one of the last events I attended the host after it was over told a couple of us guys who were finishing our drinks that since they had started a policy of “a free second event if you had no mutual matches” that the number of matches the women marked had gone close to zero.

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