Name: Trudy
Age: 42
State:
Question: Had a date with a 46 yo man from a site a month ago. It was the best first date ever. Although I didn’t find him physically attractive, mentally he was amazing – intelligent, well travelled, fun and most important of all, I could relax and be myself with him. He was so accomplished that I didn’t feel the need to downplay my own travels, hobbies and career.He emailed the next day to say he’d enjoyed every minute of our date, and wanted another one, and we arranged to meet up on the following Saturday.
The day before our second date, he invited me to his place for dinner by text. I said ‘let’s do that another time.’ Then he said where shall we meet, so I suggested somewhere in town.
The second date was fine but I didn’t hear from him afterward. Now I just get a ‘how r u’ text once a week with a reply 24 hours after. Even though he’s told me he goes into work in the weekends because of a pressing deadline, no one is truly too busy to get in contact.
It’s obvious to me I’ve been put on the back burner. That’s life, I guess. My question is if he asks me out some time in the future, should I go? If I had lots of options I would ignore further communications, but I don’t get many serious/respectable messages on dating sites from men aged 45+
You could go out with him again as long as you understand he’s not interested in anything beyond casual flirtation and sex. You are one of many. Despite the fact that he may lack in the looks department (according to you) he still has many options.If you found him engaging and looked past the physical, other women have as well.
He invited you to his place for dinner on that second date because he wanted sex. I’m not sure if you ended up having sex after that second date or not. I’m guessing you didn’t, which is why he bailed. This guy was only willing to go so far for you. When he didn’t get what he believed was the appropriate return on investment, he lost interest. If you don’t plan on sleeping with him then I wouldn’t accept another date. He’s not interested in courting you.
The texts he sends are probably mass texts, too. He likely sends them to a few women and whichever one replies first and is available gets his full attention while the others get ignored.
This guy wasn’t serious. He’s just good at first dates. He knows how to woo and impress women. The women who come over to his no doubt impressive apartment and sleep with him are the ones moved up on the roster. That’s the typical experience of the single woman over 35.
Welcome to Dating 2.0, where even the uggos have more options than the single woman over 35. As I said just the other day, these men are in demand. If they are in their forties and unfettered, they’re likely going to stay that way and enjoy the next 10+ years of sexual variety, financial independence and freedom. These guys don’t have to work hard to get dates or sex. If you want a relationship then you are going to have to start aiming lower. I’m sorry if that sounds negative or depressing, but that’s just the way it is now.
Rather than lament this, why not use it to your advantage? Why not do exactly what these men are doing? Build up a nice little roster of men that you can alternate in and out of your schedule. 3 guys will do it. When one starts to taper off, just replace him. If you could get the guy from your letter, you can get others just like him.
You’re only 42. You can get guys 35-50 who are looking to casually date. Still looking to have kids or to get married or co-habitate with someone? Let that go. It could still happen, but shooting for that is what is keeping you stuck. Think about it. You currently have your freedom. You can do what you want, when you want. Your money is your money. You don’t have to answer to anyone. You have the option of having sexual variety. Enjoy it! You’ve gotten this far on your own. You’ve made it through tough times on your own. You’re self-sufficient.
Let the man be a bonus. Not The Holy Grail.
It feels like the majority of the men I have went on dates with ended up exactly like this guy. A couple of great dates and then he disappears, only to shoot a short text or facebook message when he feels (for what I assume) is bored enough to ask me how I am and then poof, gone again.
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Just like the majority of dates I’ve gone on with women.
The truth is, the majority of the time, things don’t work out. You can’t take it personally, those are just the numbers.
I think a major theme of this site is you can improve your experience greatly by being honest about what you want and perceiving with open eyes what the other person really wants.
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Whoa! What about looking in the mirror. This victim thing in really not constructive. It may help assauge some of emotional downs we all have at times, necessary evil, but we got to let it go. Similarly Moxie’s line:
“Welcome to Dating 2.0, where even the uggos have more options than the single woman over 35″
Classic victim mode again. Most guys think that women have more options than ugly guys, especially with online dating.
We all do the same things over and over, imagining a different result. I am desperately trying to not occupy that space. I broke up with someone at the end of summer, at her request. Looking back I can now clearly see where things went amiss. It was the classic communication styles issue. We often imagine what we are saying is so important, but really it’s not that important. It was a call to me, to not be so nuanced and also not be so emotionally inadequate in responding to what the other person is saying. Looking in the mirror allows me to tweak my game.
The reason guys don’t continue forward with dates is that you did not accomplish what you needed to accomplish. The only thing that counts are results. Some of the guys may have been cads, but some were probably just fine. Too many women imagine that all they have to do on a date is: Show up and look pretty; continually test a guy; and put the onus of the interaction on the guy.
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Love Moxie’s answer..this is why you need to have a few dates in rotation. If you end up getting in deeper with someone great, but if they “fall off” or you choose to move on, there is always someone else. Combined with working, working out, seeing your gf’s, and dating three people you’ll be more than busy and having fun. As for this guy, if he asks you out again, go if you want to, but it is time to get a small roster of other dates so you aren’t sitting waiting for him to decide to focus on you.
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A lot of projection going on maybe?
There’s no reason to be so sure that he was just looking for sex and/or has other dates in rotation or sending mass texts LOL. Unless one is just looking for an excuse to do the same.
Maybe he was just not into you. Maybe he didn’t feel you were attracted to him physically or are dating other men ( just like you presume about him).
Too many possible reasons to speculate.
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This is the internet, the home of unfounded, wild speculation.
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Guys like this make it harder for the guys who DO want something substantial.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I agree with Matt. There are plenty of men 45+ who are looking for a meaningful relationship. Trudy don’t degrade yourself and embrace the lifestyle of a player. A non player will drop you like a “hot potatoe” and then you will be the first one to generalize all men as scum
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I agree with xyzed…. there may be plenty of players–but turn a deaf ear to people who claim that all men are like this. There are great guys out there that bring a lot more to the table…and they are not all about their egos, or masking their insecurities or using women for their own benefit. I would bother keeping in touch with this user. Just move on. And yes, I agree with Matt…guys like this – DO make it tougher on guys that have intentions on meeting someone special, but it works that way with women too. The bitches out there, make it harder for the great girls who do want to meet someone special, and not just empty someone’s bank account.
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Jesus – “didn’t find him attractive” and yet is miffed that the guy isn’t sleeping on her doorstep. Maybe he’s not a player, maybe he doesn’t have a roster of women, maybe it’s just that he correctly – *by her own admission, correctly! – read her signals and moved on.
I mean – to state that you didn’t find a guy attractive and then complain that he wont call: what do you *want*, woman? What do you *want* from a guy that you don’t want? And whatever it might be, what in God’s name obliges him to supply it?
He isn’t the player here. She is, miss “let’s have another date” when she has already decided that it’s going to go nowhere. She, *she* is the bad guy here. And this dude was smart and sensible enough to protect himself.
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PMurray: ‘Jesus” – the OP merely stated that he was completely utterly attractive to her–yet his personality and intelligence was refreshing and was that key component that captivated her interest. That’s all. What’s wrong with stating that she was not extremely attracted to the guy–yet she remained open-minded enough to get to know him as a person, and not just based on what she visually saw. “Jesus” as you put it. “Sleeping on her doorstep”? Wow….you are some drama queen, aren’t you? Based on how well their conversation and repour went – according to her – she was puzzled as to why he didn’t call. She clearly is not a player, not saying he is either. But I guess he did want something more physical, hence the dinner invitation to his apt. on the second date. What is this “dude” protecting himself from? A simple date with a woman…who doesn’t feel comfortable walking into a man’s apartment on date 2? Grow up. You have so much to learn. Learn to read English–go re-read the OP note and decipher what she is really inquiring about. And she did find his personality attractive. When a guy texts to invite you on a second date…and to his apartment–it’s a red flag. As Moxie put it…he wants “a return on his investment”–which is a lame mentality. Women DO NOT OWE MEN ANYTHING. We are not prostitutes–where we have to pay guys back for our time. If you want a prostitute–you know where to go. Men with this mentality will enjoy their freedoom – as moxie put it–since they are unfettered in their 40′s–but soon enough–they will wake up old and grey–and in a nursing home. Good luck fellas. Enjoy it while it lasts. Any intelligent woman will not bother with such b.s. The woman posting this actually wanted to get to know the guy for more than what was on the outside obviously. There are plenty of other options there.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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There is nothing wrong with wanting sex, it isn’t a bad thing. Lots of intelligent women enjoy sex.
As the end of that post, thats just a revenge fantasy and it isn’t actually the case but it does demonstrate what is going wrong here.
You don’t really resent the guy for wanting sex or ‘treating women like prostitutes’ (which he didn’t), you bitterly resent him for having options. Take it or leave it is a fair offer, if the terms are unreasonable you leave it. It seems to upset you he can play it that way at all and further, you suggest some TERRIBLE FATE will await him for it, which there is no reason to think it will.
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he wants “a return on his investment”–which is a lame mentality. Women DO NOT OWE MEN ANYTHING
It’s only “lame” because it doesn’t play to your benefit. It’s actually a very sound mentality from a man’s perspective. Of course you don’t owe men anything, and probably why you get nothing from them. Don’t want to play? Then don’t play. We’ll be on to the next one. I suspect you’ve been “nexted” a lot.
Men with this mentality will enjoy their freedoom – as moxie put it–since they are unfettered in their 40′s–but soon enough–they will wake up old and grey–and in a nursing home. Good luck fellas. Enjoy it while it lasts
Thanks! We will. Thoroughly. And if we wake up “old and grey” in a nursing home in our 80s, we’ll be scoping out that cute septuagenarian babe down the hall and pinching the nurses asses…
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I think she was attracted to his personality, and wanted to spend more time with him to build up attraction. The OP doesn’t sound like she practises casual sex, and values a mans personality over his looks.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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She didnt value his personality. She valued his charm, sophistication and accomplishments. She only said that she didn’t initially find him attractive how to make herself sound better. Like she was doing him a favor by looking past the physical.
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I think there may be more to this. What did she do to show she’ interested in him? Have they even kissed? Why does she wait 24 hours before replying? As a guy I would read that as disinterest, like she has me on the back burner too.
Uncertainty cuts both ways, and yet people are scared to just say what they want. OP is asking the guy to put his cards on the table without offering up the same in return.
The best way to get someone to be vulnerable is to lead by example. But alas, most people are more concerned with protecting their egos than getting at the truth.
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D-Man (and I got the correct DMan here now): Incorrect…what did she do? She enjoyed herself…had a great date…it was mutually enjoyable as a date…and she suggested they meet again – at a place in town. Sure, she declined a invitation to his home. Why? Because she is apparently more interested in getting to know the man, than just getting physical – is my assumption. That’s interest. If that’s not enough to encourage a guy–Gee…I don’t know what is can be. Perhaps a huge Billboard in Times Sqaure stating “Hey, I like you”! LOL. Wow. From reading her posts, she came across interested and responsive. And if you “Re-read her post”–you will notice that it is HE that replies 24 hours later – after his lame “How r u” silly text message. Clearly, he is not interested in courting her…so I would move on to bigger and better options. There are plenty out there for women who are intelligent, and have their act together.
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I think she means he replies to her 24 hours later, but could be wrong. It was worded vaguely.
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“Now I just get a ‘how r u’ text once a week with a reply 24 hours after”
I may have read it wrong, but the sense I got was he says “how r u” and she replies 24 hours later
Sure, she declined a invitation to his home.
And then what happened? They went on another date and she’s unhappy that he didn’t ask her out again. Could she at least take the risk to say “I’d like to see you again.” Is her ego so fragile?
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No, she gets a reply 24 hours after the ‘how r u’ text. She didn’t say she replies.
The grammar says she gets a text, and she gets a reply 24 hrs later. She just didn’t repeat “gets”.
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He sends the how r u text, she replies, he replies 24 hours after her reply. She’s complaining that she responds to his text and it takes him 24 hours to respond.
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In response to: “Could she at least take the risk to say “I’d like to see you again.” Is her ego so fragile?”
When you go on 2 dates with a guy, and he doesn’t ask you out again, he’s not interested. Yes, you can reach out to him and say you’d like to see him again. He may even say ok and you may go on another date. But it isn’t going anywhere. If he’s interested, he asks you on a third date.
I learned this the hard way, a couple times, when I had gone on 2-4 dates with guys I met online and was interested in, who didn’t ask me out again. One agreed to another date. After that date that I initiated (he had initiated the first few) he reached out and said he was really busy at work. He would send me sporadic emails for a while after that, but never asked me out again. The other one also agreed to another date and we went out. He did not ask me out again.
When a guy wants to date you, he makes it happen. You don’t have to ask him out, you just have to say yes when he asks you out. It’s almost never a matter of “maybe he doesn’t think I’m interested, I should ask HIM out.” It’s, “he’s really not interested.”
Asking this guy out again is not the solution.
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Solid advice. Making me eager to be in my mid-40s/early 50s, well-off, and no longer good looking
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I had a similar experience recently and agree with Moxie’s assessment. Went out on a first date with a guy, had a great time (he was actually better looking in person than he was in his photos, which rarely happens). For the second date, he texted me *asking to come over to my place* so that we could make dinner. I know, I know — I shouldn’t have done it and would never make the mistake again. I *should* have done what the OP did and say “let’s save it for later” and suggested that we go out again. Problem was, I genuinely enjoy having people over sometimes as opposed to going out (more relaxed, etc) and so I let that cloud my judgment. He came over, we had fun, but by the end of it I just sort of felt ambivalent about him (ie, “meh”).
That was on a Sunday. On Friday, he texted me something that kind of blew my mind a little bit. “Enjoyed your apartment. Would be willing to come over again one eve.”
As Moxie has so aptly put it in previous posts: “lady boner gone.” Previously, I would have sent back some sort of snarky text saying “Oh, thank God. I’m so glad you would be *willing* to come over to my apartment to eat my food and sleep with me.” But in the end, I just ignored it and moved on. A gentleman who was truly interested in a relationship would have said something like, “thank you so much for having me over for dinner – would love to go out again,” and would have *called* me rather than sending the text he did. I’m not sure whether he thought he was being cute/funny, but I didn’t find it to be either of those things. Once I didn’t respond to that text, he disappeared. Before, that would have bothered me, too — but at this point, I’ve just decided that I’ll wait for someone who’s a gentleman and who has a modicum of class/manners. Otherwise, it’s just not worth it. I hate being single, and I hate having to be on these sites at my age. But I’d rather be single and still looking than settle for someone who’s “willing” to come over to my apartment. Sigh. Next…
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Avery–not sure why women actually accept “text messages” as signs of interest at all. It’s very impersonal. When a guy is interested–they want to make actual contact…they want to hear your voice, and talk, not just merely type – “hey how r u”? then not communicate for days. It’s so obvious. Nothing to ponder here. He is simply not interested in making any connection. Take it at face value. A FWB request or casual sex, hit and run situation. Yes, I am blunt…I tell it like it is. And you are right, for just chalking it up–as a lesson, and moving on…and holding out for what you want. Having someone over your place, or going to a man’s place very soon does put pressure on both parties. If you don’t care what the outcome is – then by all means, enjoy, nothing wrong with it all. But if what you want is something more serious, take it slow. Texting as a sole means of communication is very “Lame”. Men know this, but when they don’t care–they simply “don’t care”. It’s a great way to avoid contact.
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Disagree. Most guys suck at this kind of thing and use text as a distancing mechanism to protect their egos. And a lot of people don’t like to talk on the phone.
If you want to talk on the phone, make it clear you like to talk on the phone!
You can even initiate via text? “Hey, are you free for a quick phone call?”
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Hi, D-man — Yes, that thought occurred to me — to text back, “hey, can you talk on the phone?” Even though I don’t love to talk on the phone either, it’s still a better form of communication than texting. But like I said, I was ambivalent about him. I didn’t care enough to do it. His lame text message just gave me the validation I needed to move on.
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I agree. Back in June, I went out on a first date with a guy and it was pleasant — no fireworks, but pleasant. Benign. He called me the next day to ask me out for coffee over the weekend. I was so impressed with the fact that he *picked up the phone and called* to ask me out again (as opposed to texting, which seems so prevalent) that I happily accepted the invitation (even though I sensed there wouldn’t be any fireworks the second time either) — which I might not have done had he just texted. It didn’t go anywhere past the 2nd date, but that was okay. I enjoyed getting to know him. And I appreciated that he was both a class act and confident enough to call me. It said a lot about him, and I genuinely hope he finds the right person.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Wow, so he was rewarded for his “efforts” with a second date, over coffee, that went nowhere along with your good wishes? That outcome is a dating FAIL by any reasonable definition of the word. So, if anything your anecdote is evidence of precisely what a man should not do.
For men: Don’t talk on the phone, especially if she demands it. Don’t ever do coffee dates. Again, $1000 dollar advice. For free!
Hot debate. What do you think?
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1) I didn’t “demand” anything after the first date–including the phone call, 2) something may have developed after a second date; it just happened that this time nothing did, 3) he suggested coffee (not me), and 4) he didn’t contact me after the second date, so the feeling of “this isn’t going anywhere” was mutual. It’s not as though I was mercilessly stringing the guy along.
I wouldn’t exactly call it a “fail,” it just didn’t lead to anything lasting. That’s what happens 95% of the time anyway, right?
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I think DMN’s point is that you view your willingness to go on a date as some kind of reward. Did he pay for the second date? What did you do beyond showing up.
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I guess I wasn’t clear. I don’t view accepting the second-date invitation as a “reward.” At all. Our first date was only an hour, and I’m saying that while there weren’t fireworks, I enjoyed getting to know him and the evening was pleasant. His calling versus texting was a gesture that–to me–signalled that he was a gentleman and he was confident – both qualities that I (personally) find very attractive. Not everyone would place so much importance on it, but I liked it and respected it. So a second date – even if it was only coffee – was a chance to continue the conversation that we’d started before. What did I do besides show up? I asked him about himself and his interests and was an active and engaged listener. Who paid? I ended up getting there first, so I paid for my coffee and he paid for his.
Dating is supposed to be fun. You can have dates that don’t lead to anything serious that are still pleasant and remind you of why you enjoy the company of the opposite sex.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I agree 100% that it’s supposed to be fun and do my darndest to hold up my end. Sounds like you do too, but the tone of a lot of posters here is to pick a “team” (usually synonymous with gender) and beat up the other side.
As someone else said, why can’t we just recognize that most dates won’t lead to anything more and not use them as an excuse to grind an ax?
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“As someone else said, why can’t we just recognize that most dates won’t lead to anything more”
Because dating should be the means to an end, not the end in and of itself.
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You think it worked out okay because you think (probably from reading the male commentary on this blog) that men want to do everything possible to avoid spending money on dates and that men want women to “give them a chance.”
Here’s the newsflash. I would venture that most men, in real life, don’t care about spending money on dates and men want a woman that’s genuinely attracted and interested in them, not merely “giving them a chance” because they are so gentlemanly.
So, I revert to my advice. No coffee dates. No telephones. Be kind and generous but no hoop jumping. That’s it.
Peronsally, 95% of my dates do NOT end badly or suck. I’d say 75% of my dates lead “somewhere.” Invest in your dates and don’t waste time with women who think you’re just swell enough to go out with a second time. Go out with women who want to rip your clothes off. If you can find them.
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This is exactly the advice in ‘Surely you’re joking Mr Feynman’ by Richard Feynman (one of the top 5 minds of the 20th century?).
Although actually if you read it through, what he says is that although he was surprised how often this tactic worked (i.e., it made him more likely than less likely to be able to sleep with the girl, proto-game I suppose), in the end he stopped sticking to it so rigidly after he encountered an ‘ordinary’ girl (as opposed to a ‘bar girl’) who basically seemed to be into him which is what you’re saying as well.
Perhaps the confusing irony about all this is that if a guy thinks a woman is genuinely interested, he really doesn’t mind, it isn’t about the money. The real problem is that if she is a bit ‘meh’ on the whole thing, it is a huge, huge mistake to spend money on convincing her. Its going to hurt you more than it helps.
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Dating indeterminacy means that only a physical interaction with entanglement will cause her wave function to collapse, forcing her to choose between up spin or down spin.
Why should Deepak Chopra have all the fun?
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A gentleman who was truly interested in a relationship would have said something like, “thank you so much for having me over for dinner – would love to go out again,” and would have *called* me rather than sending the text he did.
When? In 1995? Let’s cut the bullshit. You didn’t agree to let him come over so you could exorcise your inner Martha Stewart. You broke one of your rules because he was good looking. If you truly felt “meh” about him after you slept with him, his text message wouldn’t have bothered you. That text rubbed you the wrong way because the sub-text was “Hey, thanks for the sex. Would love to do that again.”
Before, that would have bothered me, too — but at this point, I’ve just decided that I’ll wait for someone who’s a gentleman and who has a modicum of class/manners.
The type of courting you want doesn’t typically come from men who invite themselves over to your apartment for a home cooked meal and sex.
All of this boils down to one thing: this guy was really good looking. Because of that you abandoned these so-called standards that you have and now regret it. This is what I mean about how women arbitrarily raise and lower their standards as they see fit.
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I agree with Moxie’s analysis. I think that this guy got a sense that they weren’t on the same page and backburnered her. That said, the “second date at my place and cooking” thing isn’t necessarily an invitation for sex. Some folks honestly do like to have people over and cook dinner. I’ve done it myself, with no expectation of sex, and no concerns if I didn’t get any that night.
I’d say he might not have even had a problem with the polite declining of his invitation to his place. And, if things fizzled after the 2nd date, I’d likely chalk it up to a mutual lack of interest. All well and good.
HOWEVER, the subsequent “Hey how r u” texts after the 2nd date? That’s classic backburner behavior. Likely the guy is still attracted to her, and still enjoys spending time with her. Might be up for a true “friends with benefits” thing (e.g., not an out-and-out bootie call, but rather casual dating including sex, but with no expectations of it developing further).
So, the next question for Trudy is: what do you want?
If you just want a casual date on a Friday night so you don’t end up bored at home, give the guy a call. Don’t sweat it being last-minute either. Chances are he won’t care. (If he did, he’d be making more of an effort anyway.)
If you want something serious, though, with the potential to develop into something long-term…look elsewhere. This guy’s telling you that he’s not really all THAT interested by virtue of the considerably hands-off quality to his behavior. If he was interested, he’d still pursue you, and likely do so by calling you up and asking you out. He’s not doing that.
Just figure out what you want, and be willing to accept the consequences. That means DON’T try to have it both ways. No casual relationships followed by frustration that he won’t get serious with you. Likewise, no sitting at home bellyaching that you can’t find something serious. Your choice of path involves consequences. If it’s the casual path, that means not a lot of emotional investment and not a lot of emotional return. You’ll get dates and sex and casual fun, but it likely won’t get serious. If you choose the more serious path, that means passing on a lot of guys who’d just be casual material, which means nights at home watching Netflix. Mixing and matching is possible in a very limited sense, but usually just leads to madness in the longterm. So, pick one and go with it. Just accept the consequences of your choice either way you go.
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Agree about location. I cooked dinner for a girl Monday night. While I thought there was potential for sex, I wasn’t really banking on it, and it wasn’t a test. We ended up not hooking up, but I’ll probably see her again.
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Was it a second date?
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Sort of. Technically it was our third outing together, but the second was a party we went to together and didn’t have any isolated time together.
As an aside, I met this girl a few years ago at a party but didn’t ask her out because I thought she was married. Then one day a few months ago I saw on Facebook she was single. So I sent her a message to the effect that I wished I’d asked her out the first time we met. She thanked me for the compliment but said she was seeing someone. I replied with no problem, and to hit me up again if she’s ever on the market. A few months later she contact me again.
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It’s great when things work out like that. You must have really made a great impression, since she remembered you. Hope the next date goes well.
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That said, the “second date at my place and cooking” thing isn’t necessarily an invitation for sex. Some folks honestly do like to have people over and cook dinner. I’ve done it myself, with no expectation of sex, and no concerns if I didn’t get any that night.
I’ve done that in the past, especially just post-divorce. For one thing, I was on a budget, concentrating on getting rid of debt, and it’s much cheaper to cook at home. The other thing is I like cooking and am very good at it. It doesn’t always mean trading food for sex. That said I can understand a woman’s reluctance to accept an invitation to a man’s home on a 2nd date and I wouldn’t take it personally if she declined and suggested an alternative.
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Exactly. If I was turned down on my offer, I’d completely understand, especially on a 2nd date. I’m sure plenty of guys would be thinking “Sweet. Dinner at my place. Gettin’ laid tonight!” All I’m saying is that not ever guy would. Plus, those guys would probably think “Sweet. Second date. Gettin’ laid tonight!” anyway.
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When I was a dating man not long ago, I’d invite a 2nd, 3rd or 4th date (as of yet unconsummated) over for dinner or drinks because I have a nice loft, I am a good cook/host and I sensed I needed to throttle the financial investment I was making particularly if the party was not reciprocating in the hosting role to any material extent. Never expected sex; sometimes put it on the table if I felt an approach was expected; evaluated things from there because it would lead to an absolutely frank exchange as to where things were and how they would proceed. If someone declined that invitation (with a “next time” answer), I’d make sure the 2nd date we were negotiating was at a place I could control my investment (and that’s only if I decided to go on that 2nd date). After all a date at home (if only a drink or two) does give someone a sense of the host.
As to the OP, I’m at a loss to explain how she could have the best first date of her life at 42 with a man to whom she did not have a physical attraction and why she accepted a 2nd date from him. Like I think I’m missing something about the date. And as to the fade, perhaps he had lots of other possibilities–but just as likely he put her on the back burner just because he felt he was wasting resources with an attention seeker that wasn’t into him.
As to Moxie’s thinking: for the most part it is right on target except I would bump that eligible age range up to 60 if kids aren’t on the table (in NYC anyway) unless this person believes she is an absolute 10 and is beating them off with a stick. My belief is that serial dating in rotation should be getting old very quickly to a 42 year old. But if it works for her why not. Let’s hear from Trudy in a couple of years.
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I’m at a loss to explain how she could have the best first date of her life at 42 with a man to whom she did not have a physical attraction
She’s not a man. Getting laid isn’t the touchstone of a good date. Perhaps she enjoyed the company and didn’t feel any tension, sexual or personal. That might be her idea of a good time.
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I don’t know about your age range suggestion. I am 48 and, trying to be open-minded, went out with a man who ended up being 62 even though he said he was 55 in his profile. I did like him but sexually I wore him out, so I don’t think I want to try dating anyone 60 or over for a while and I don’t know if the OP has to go almost 20 years older just to find a gentleman whose company she enjoys.
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I loved this part of the OP’s letter: ” He was so accomplished that I didn’t feel the need to downplay my own travels, hobbies and career.”
It is amazing to me that some women really think that men are impressed if they are experienced travelers.
The guy whom the OP met probably just wanted sex which is why he invited her to his place for the second date. She wanted to go to dinner and it seems as though sex didn’t happen and the guy put her on the back burner. The OP is 42, so that guy is probably used to dating desperate 40+ year old women and stopped exerting so much effort when it didn’t happen right away. I guarantee that he didn’t feel the same “connection” that the OP claims she did on the first date.
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It is amazing to me that some women really think that men are impressed if they are experienced travelers.
Men like women who get around.
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“It is amazing to me that some women really think that men are impressed if they are experienced travelers.”
Kurt, is English your first language. When the OP said she didn’t feel the need to downplay her travels, she suggests that she normally downplays her travels etc on dates, because she knows that talking about her accomplishments are a turn off to men. The purpose of the sentence was to convey that the man was so accomplished she didn’t need to pretend to be less than she was.
How you can suggest she thought she was impressing him, when she was expressing herself astounds…
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she normally downplays her travels etc on dates, because she knows that talking about her accomplishments are a turn off to men.
Travel isn’t really an “accomplishment.” Is English your first language?
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Pretty much inclined to agree with the thought that he was looking to get laid quickly. Or at least hoping that was a high probability scenario.
There may be other things happening, like another date, work, etc. But given the hot/cold impression and the text gives an overall impression of plan B or C from his perspective.
I think you were right to suggest an alternative to the dinner at his place. If the comfort level wasn’t there, then it wasn’t there. By the same token, he can certainly say that what he proposed was not out of bounds and so he might feel it appropriate to look elsewhere. Dunno. That’s the dynamic of a competative marketplace, you think there might be a good thing only to find that something else was in the works. It goes both ways.
If he calls again, I think I would politely say thanks, but no thanks. No one likes to feel that they were made an option but not a priority.
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