Question: Had a date with a 46 yo man from a site a month ago. It was the best first date ever. Although I didn’t find him physically attractive, mentally he was amazing – intelligent, well travelled, fun and most important of all, I could relax and be myself with him. He was so accomplished that I didn’t feel the need to downplay my own travels, hobbies and career.
He emailed the next day to say he’d enjoyed every minute of our date, and wanted another one, and we arranged to meet up on the following Saturday.
The day before our second date, he invited me to his place for dinner by text. I said ‘let’s do that another time.’ Then he said where shall we meet, so I suggested somewhere in town.
The second date was fine but I didn’t hear from him afterward. Now I just get a ‘how r u’ text once a week with a reply 24 hours after. Even though he’s told me he goes into work in the weekends because of a pressing deadline, no one is truly too busy to get in contact.
It’s obvious to me I’ve been put on the back burner. That’s life, I guess. My question is if he asks me out some time in the future, should I go? If I had lots of options I would ignore further communications, but I don’t get many serious/respectable messages on dating sites from men aged 45+
You could go out with him again as long as you understand he’s not interested in anything beyond casual flirtation and sex. You are one of many. Despite the fact that he may lack in the looks department (according to you) he still has many options.If you found him engaging and looked past the physical, other women have as well.
He invited you to his place for dinner on that second date because he wanted sex. I’m not sure if you ended up having sex after that second date or not. I’m guessing you didn’t, which is why he bailed. This guy was only willing to go so far for you. When he didn’t get what he believed was the appropriate return on investment, he lost interest. If you don’t plan on sleeping with him then I wouldn’t accept another date. He’s not interested in courting you.
The texts he sends are probably mass texts, too. He likely sends them to a few women and whichever one replies first and is available gets his full attention while the others get ignored.
This guy wasn’t serious. He’s just good at first dates. He knows how to woo and impress women. The women who come over to his no doubt impressive apartment and sleep with him are the ones moved up on the roster. That’s the typical experience of the single woman over 35.
Welcome to Dating 2.0, where even the uggos have more options than the single woman over 35. As I said just the other day, these men are in demand. If they are in their forties and unfettered, they’re likely going to stay that way and enjoy the next 10+ years of sexual variety, financial independence and freedom. These guys don’t have to work hard to get dates or sex. If you want a relationship then you are going to have to start aiming lower. I’m sorry if that sounds negative or depressing, but that’s just the way it is now.
Rather than lament this, why not use it to your advantage? Why not do exactly what these men are doing? Build up a nice little roster of men that you can alternate in and out of your schedule. 3 guys will do it. When one starts to taper off, just replace him. If you could get the guy from your letter, you can get others just like him.
You’re only 42. You can get guys 35-50 who are looking to casually date. Still looking to have kids or to get married or co-habitate with someone? Let that go. It could still happen, but shooting for that is what is keeping you stuck. Think about it. You currently have your freedom. You can do what you want, when you want. Your money is your money. You don’t have to answer to anyone. You have the option of having sexual variety. Enjoy it! You’ve gotten this far on your own. You’ve made it through tough times on your own. You’re self-sufficient.
Let the man be a bonus. Not The Holy Grail.