READER RANT: What Do You Mean Women Over 35 Should Settle?

Name: Cheerios
Age: 33
State:
Question: Dear Moxie- Really? After 35 every single woman must “settle” in order to end up in a serious relationship? I see this in almost every one of your posts. What exactly does the term “settle” mean to you Moxie? If a good looking woman in her mid to late 30s wants to find a smart, funny man, who has a job, and that she personally is attracted to, to have a serious relationship with, why shouldn’t she have that? It’s not like they are these ridiculous standards like he must make six figures, look like George Clooney, be as funny as Conan O’Brien, blah blah blah. I’m just talking BASIC standards. Why should a woman over 35 have to settle for someone she’s not attracted to mentally and physically just because of her age. She’s not 70, she’s 35! Come on now. Or am I just misinterpreting what you’re saying? If someone as young as 35 needs to start settling to have anything other than a casual relationship why don’t we all just throw in the towel now? How depressing.

 

I’ve never suggested that women forgo physical attraction or sexual compatibility. Ever. Not once in the 8 years I’ve been writing this column. You have no idea what this sort of rant says about you. That’s what is so funny. Someone says “settle” and you (the collective you) all think what is being suggested is to find some schmuck and get him to marry you. Do you have any idea what that tells people? Let me fill you in. When women automatically assume that that’s what “settle” means, that is usually an indicator of the fact that those women try (and chronically fail) to date out of their league.

If someone as young as 35 needs to start settling to have anything other than a casual relationship why don’t we all just throw in the towel now?

You don’t seem to be getting it. It’s not that there is a limited supply of men who want to date you. It’s that there is a limited supply of men who want to commit to you or anybody else. And if they do want to commit, they either are probably going to do it with someone under 35 so they won’t be rushed into settling down and having kids OR they are guys that you have blown off and passed over as you wait for your funny, attractive, educated, employed, charming Mr. Right. Many women have been listening to tales and fables from their friends about that one woman in their office or second cousin or sorority sister from college who found Mr. Right. They are exceptions to the rule. Not the rule.

Listen to some of the stories here from women who refuse to settle. How many tales do they have of dating some dude who beds them and disappears? If there are so many options for you ladies, then where are all the stories of courting and wooing? Why is online dating a billion dollar industry? Why is there a new dating blog popping up every ten god damn seconds deconstructing all the bad dates that women have? Hon, wake up. The days of marriage and commitment being  a given or a must have are over. We spent so long saying we didn’t need a man and had plenty of time to find someone that we completely missed the part when men started thinking the exact same way. Men have learned how to use the overage of single woman in the market place to their advantage. Now they’re winning. Now they’re being taken care of by desperate women who would rather support some leech than be alone. Or they’re dating multiple women who, like them, don’t want commitment. Or they’re juggling multiple women who do want commitment and then dumping them and then starting over. There’s a constant supply of single women for them! And by “them” I mean the men that most women want. The ones with options and charm and looks and money and stability.

Your mistake is thinking that commitment is a “basic standard.” It’s not. Not anymore. Not for many men, at least.

 

 

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62 Responses to “READER RANT: What Do You Mean Women Over 35 Should Settle?”

  1. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Since no one gets EVERYTHING they want in a partner, then by definition, EVERYONE settles. LIke everything else in life, relationships are about tradeoffs. What can I live with in order to get the things I can’t live without.

    It’s amazing to me that not only is this a foreign concept for otherwise “mature” adults, but that something that is essentially a truism should spark such incredible rage and emotion in some people. Do you also become outraged that the sky is blue and that the sun sets?

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    • The D-man Says:

      As Dan Savage says: “Settling down means settling for.”

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    • tina Says:

      I think that if the definition of what you were saying, is to just not hold out for Prince Charming, but instead, go with the Kristof, (hopefully enough readers have see the movie Frozen to get this), the “bit of a fixer upper”, sure. But why even write that article, it’s pretty obvious that that is the safer route. I mean, duh. But many of us are passing up the Kristofs not because of looks, or height. or finances, or the over-niceness, or bland-ness, but because of something deeper that just tells our gut, no, that’s just not him. He doesn’t melt my popsicle… at all, maybe it’s because of his over-eagerness that wreaks of desperation in my case. My friends are on me about accepting this guy, who just turns me off right and left with his lower vocabulary and clothing choices, and food pickiness, things like that. I dont know what you would call it, but I dont think I’m avoidiung settling. I think I’m avoiding committing, then treating him less than as well as he deserves, because I don’t respect him. That’s just once example. I think we should just all stop telling each other what to do, it’s very codependent. But, that’s an advise column for you, and I’m here too! Lol.

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  2. Howard Says:

    When anyone interprets settle as just taking the first guy that comes along, it indicates her rigidity and failure to understand the give and take in any relationship. It indicates her lack of ability to communicate well. We have to listen and go with the flow of the conversation, too.

    The cold harsh truth is that we are always settling our entire lives. Each of us is one person on a planet of billions. Even insanely wealthy and powerful people have to settle. They still don’t get things exactly their way.

    There is no one on this planet that exactly fit our criteria. And our criteria doesn’t even stay the same. No one should compromise on matters of principle, but matters of taste are an entirely different thing.

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  3. LostSailor Says:

    When women automatically assume that that’s what “settle” means, that is usually an indicator of the fact that those women try (and chronically fail) to date out of their league.

    Yup. Like DMN and Howard noted, most women don’t like the idea of “settling” because they don’t understand that when you are looking for a committed relationship, you are by definition settling. Always. Every time. You are settling by precluding an opportunity with someone who might be better. And there’s the nub. If you haven’t managed to land a committed relationship or marriage by 35, you have been and continue to be holding out for someone who might be better.

    Consciously or not, you’ve been critically evaluating every guy you’ve dated or had a short-term relationship with. One guy might have a good job, be smart and funny, but are you attracted enough to him? The next guy might be funny and very attractive, but maybe not as ambitious in his work or have a higher degree. The thing is, no matter who you’re with, you’re looking for faults and comparing every man you’re with to a theoretical “better” man. Which is why the word “settle” upsets you so much.

    We spent so long saying we didn’t need a man and had plenty of time to find someone that we completely missed the part when men started thinking the exact same way.

    Double yup. By always looking for the “better” man, you leave yourself open to being played while looking for ways to reject the men that would be good for a long-term relationship.

    Instead of critically evaluating every man against your 462-point checklist, try the Private Man challenge: with every guy you are attracted to, focus on his good qualities, and actively look for those good qualities. If you can do this consistently, you will invariably find that you’re even more attracted and realize that you’re not “settling,” you’re accepting a person and building them up so that they become the “better” man. You’ll be happier and more likely to find that genuine committed relationship you seem to be looking for.

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    • Howard Says:

      Good bit, Lost Sailor. The other thing I have been seeing is women trying to do things like men. Trust me ladies, you don’t necessarily want to do that. That’s not what the feminist movement fought for. Equality does not mean doing things the same way. Ex, I have been looking at online profiles. Its amazing the age ranges I see women seeking in men. Does that slightly overweight 45 year old really think she can get an athletic 38 year old man to commit to her? He may do sex, but commitment, hardly likely. It’s just unrealistic. As Moxie said, men in the over 35 age have too many options. And the younger guys are no help. They are generally never going to give you what you really want.

      it still comes down to bargaining chips. If you are 45 and desperately want commitment, you will have better chances with the guy over 50 than the guy below 50. I keep seeing profiles of women where the upper end of their desired age range, is their age or no more than two years older than them. There are even some women listing years younger than themselves as their upper end. What people forget is that if they are 42, they will be 45 at some time and they will feel pretty much the same way about themselves. So really, nothing is wrong with the 45 year old guy. Even guys these days are starting to list five years older as their upper end.

      The bigger problem with settling though, is that people are really not looking in the mirror. They are often asking for a standard that they can’t give. It’s the 5ft 2in girl asking for a guy over 6 ft.. It’s the 42 year old woman with a kid asking for a man with no kids. It’s the slightly overweight woman that wants a buff guy. It’s the woman with non-negotiables and disclaimers asking for an easy going drama-free guy. It’s the woman going on numerous dates with various guys asking for a one woman man. It’s the woman wanting a guy who will pay her bill, but want no part in paying any man’s bill. And finally, it’s the woman who has few or no potential suitors interested in commitment, demanding that very desirable guy who she knows has endless women throwing themselves at him.

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      • Speedy Says:

        You know, I don’t think these women are actually stupid or deep down don’t understand it.

        When people self sabotage they are still, as ever, acting in their own interests, the thing to figure out is what interests specifically they might be. I’ve also noticed that as women’s options decrease, the demands get ramped up when they should be reduced. Women have a hard time dating online at all, its an admission of defeat in itself, as is any organised dating activity. It isn’t what Disney or TV promised would happen. Its also a wrench because the experience of younger women is clearly better than that of older women, I’d imagine it might be quite hard to face up to things having changed and wondering why all of a sudden men got so lazy and ill mannered (‘where have all the good men gone?’). So even if you’re getting dozens of replies, there is something painful about the whole experience anyway which is why, IMHO, we have these endless debates about how women have it just as bad online as men even if they are showered with attention. Its like getting a good performance appraisal in a job you never wanted.

        So what is going on is a kind of internal poker game where the stakes are ego and the currency is some sort of pain. I date online but I have really high standards is a way of rationalising the whole thing and protecting the ego. The problem is that the worse it gets, the more painful it gets, so the higher the standards get which can sometimes get to the point of being quite comical to the onlooker (definitely one of those ‘you’re always the last person to know’ things). You have to understand at this point the dating profile has long since ceased to be written for a guy to actually read, its only for the person writing it to look at. It doesn’t annoy me, I just feel a bit sorry for someone in such a bind really. The only way people move on from something like this is that either they are capable of a bit of introspective inventory-taking or more usually, the pain of moving forward is outweighed by the pain of standing still.

        People will go to endless lengths to avoid any sort of pain like this, its what ‘cognitive dissonance’ (a constantly misused term) is actually about. In Leon Festinger’s book that coined the term, the UFO cultists weren’t beamed up on the appointed day. Could they face up to having wasted their time and being fools? No. They made up a story that their actions had actually saved the world, they were right all along and this was a sign to actually stick even more closely to being UFO cultists. I’d have thought the parallels here are fairly obvious.

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      • AC Says:

        “Its amazing the age ranges I see women seeking in men. Does that slightly overweight 45 year old really think she can get an athletic 38 year old man to commit to her?”

        ” If you are 45 and desperately want commitment, you will have better chances with the guy over 50 than the guy below 50. I keep seeing profiles of women where the upper end of their desired age range, is their age or no more than two years older than them. There are even some women listing years younger than themselves as their upper end.”

        It’s mind boggling. Same goes for the extreme lying. Last summer I met a woman who listed herself as 46 in her profile. When we met, she admitted she was 48 (49 in September..I’m 43 btw.) Long story short, we went out four times. I came across her profile again and she’s listing herself at 44 – and with no disclaimers about her real age.

        I don’t get it – the guy will figure it out sooner or later.

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  4. Steve From the City Next Door Says:

    Unfortunately the ridicules standards are quite common. I had a friend and she demanded a guy who was at least 6’4″ (she was 5′ 8″ or so)….but she settled for a guy who was 6’3″

    In most cities in the US there are more single men than women…There are only a few that are not this way. NYC is one of them…Manhattan has the highest ratio of single women:men for cities its size and larger.

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    • M Says:

      Not true. I’ve seen maps that show this, and there are just as many cities with more women than men as there are vice versa. Not to get into lists, but generally speaking, the cities east of the Mississippi (and those in states on the west bank of the MS River) have more women than men, and the cities in the west have more men than women. Also, while New York has a higher number of women than men, more so than anywhere else in the US, the ratio isnt nearly as good as the raw numbers make it seem.

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      • Steve From the City Next Door Says:

        You can go here and adjust by age range. http://www.xoxosoma.com/singles/

        If you select it from 20-59, it looks like few places have more women then men and it is a minor difference.

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        • someone Says:

          ^ That website is correct. However, it compares men and women in the same age bracket, regardless of how large you make that bracket. What it doesn’t show is you overall pool size, which is definitely not the same. A 40-year-old man can (in theory) date any woman 20-40, whereas a 40-year-old woman either can’t or consciously doesn’t want to date any men 45. In the former case you have a pool size of 20 yrs and in the latter 10 yrs, a substantial difference.

          What Jonathan Soma should have done is, for men, sum up the numbers of all women younger than them. That is a much better way to analyze these statistics rather than group both men and women into the same age bracket, which is misleading. Or at the very least, compare the # of single women vs. the # of single men 5-15 yrs older.

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  5. Matt Says:

    “Men have learned how to use the overage of single woman in the market place to their advantage. Now they’re winning.”

    Maybe “men” as a whole are winning, but individual guys certainly aren’t. I had a girl reject me because, in her words, “The guy for me has to be able to fit in at a red carpet event.” Surprisingly, she’s 39 and still single.

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    • The D-man Says:

      LOL. For all those red carpet events she goes to every week.

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      • Matt Says:

        Well, she IS an actress, so that could conceivably come up. Still, that’s a hell of a thing to say to somebody.

        Anyway, men aren’t “winning”, or at least I’m not. 12 months on okcupid netted ZERO dates. In what sport or game can you get a score of zero and win?

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Okay. I’ve hit my threshold of how much of your whining I can tolerate.

          Matt, that girl is telling you she thinks you’re unkempt and unattractive. Instead of continuously boo hooing about how unfair it all is, clean yourself up and work on your self. Jesus. The girl spoon fed you the reason why you are being rejected. Do something about it.

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          • Matt Says:

            Actually, my “not red carpet material” had to do with me being quiet and introverted, and she was quite blunt and direct in explaining that, no spoonfeeding required. But thanks for jumping to conclusions.

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            • VJ Says:

              I’m not saying what Ms. 39 might have been thinking here with Matt, but I know very few members of the family that ‘might fit into a red carpet event’. And this from a reasonably successful bunch too. Worse, thinking of my friends, this all might be highly age graded too.

              Those Over the age of 60 say, or of ‘a certain Generation’, are definitely better at it. Very few of the younger set (save for the pros & certain actors etc) actually can manage to come across well in most such highly formal venues. But then again I’m a very old cranky man, so consider the source. My dad was eminently more comfortable with the formalities required and all the ‘dressage’ needed to attend such events. I suspect that’s only getting more common too. So essentially she may have just been telling you off. Cheers, ‘VJ’

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            • Jack Says:

              Ha…Moxie certainly jumped the gun on that one.

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        • Brad Says:

          “Anyway, men aren’t “winning”, or at least I’m not. 12 months on okcupid netted ZERO dates. In what sport or game can you get a score of zero and win?”

          Matt, is there any way you could mail your profile & opening email (maybe the last 2-3 girls you emailed) to Moxie for her thoughts?

          moxieinthecity@gmail.com

          She won’t post your profile or any personal info, but (I have found) is great for feedback.

          I’m just asking because my profile usually gets about 20 emails/winks a week and I can fill up my dating calendar to any level I want. And I’m not a great looking guy, maybe a 5-6 but I have found that with most women looks are pass/fail, not a graded series.

          Seriously, though – for zero dates in a year a 3rd party expert couldn’t hurt.

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          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            Mighty nice of you to volunteer my services, brah.

            But, yeah, no bites in a year? Houston, we have a problem. Let me see it. I’ll give you a free review.

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            • Matt Says:

              Thank you for the kind offer, but I deleted my okc profile at the beginning of October, and I currently have no intention of going back. Currently, I’m trying my luck with circl.es, but there’s practically no one using it.

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          • Jack Says:

            You need to work on your pics, then. Women just don’t find you physically attractive from your pics.

            That’s the honest truth.

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        • M Says:

          Anyway, men aren’t “winning”, or at least I’m not. 12 months on okcupid netted ZERO dates. In what sport or game can you get a score of zero and win?

          Golf? Dont know how you’d pull it off though.

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      • LostSailor Says:

        Matt, your “actress” doesn’t want a man, she wants just another accessory. Bullet dodged there.

        If you couldn’t get a single date out of OKC, you weren’t doing it right. Either the profile was wrong, your messaging approach was wrong, your selection bias was wrong, or you weren’t pushing for the close (an in-person meeting).

        Moxie is right that men who know how to navigate Dating 2.0 win, but you’re right that not all men are winning. You need to up your game.

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        • Matt Says:

          I did it the same way I did lavalife back in the mid-2000s, and I at least got some results, and lavalife’s not a very good site. If I put more effort into ‘the best dating site” and get worse results, then my gut tells me that it’s not me that’s the problem.

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          • Lalalatte Says:

            Matt that’s just it, dating especially online dating, isn’t the same as it was even 5 years ago. Know who your dating audience is, recognize the attention seekers from those who really want to meet in real life, and move on quickly when someone gives you a “meh” reception. Thick skin, confidence, projecting a positive attitude, and heeding the advice of Moxie and other regulars who post here will help up your game. If your OKC profile has the same tone as your posts on this blog then the problem is indeed you.

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            • Matt Says:

              Yeah, except according to Moxie, I shouldn’t be dating at all because I’m “red flag material”, on the grounds that I work nights. So, grain of salt.

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              • Speed Says:

                Matt, you have succeeded in hijacking this thread and making it all about you. Congratulations. Clearly, the world in general and women in particular don’t recognize your awesomeness.

                Here is another take though.

                1) Get tougher, mentally and physically. This will have an immense payoff not only in dating but in your career and all areas of life.

                2) Take responsibility for all areas of your life, even when it seems to be the fault of “others.” Don’t let yourself off the hook through the convenient device of blaming others. Avoid excuses. As someone wrote, “there are either reasons or results.” Focus on getting results.

                3) Don’t complain, ever. Or if you must, do it privately, over beers with your friends. Moreover, every complaint you have must end with a solution to the complaint. Master your fears or, at the least, keep them off your face, your voice and your actions.

                4) Be manly, in the traditional sense, without going overboard into abusiveness or narcissism. Model yourself on other successful men. It will feel unnatural at first but after a while it will become part of your personality

                This is not new information that I cooked up and will certainly solve your dating problems and other issues in your life.

                I think you already know it. So follow it. Otherwise, keep posting sad-sack lines and getting roasted here.

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                • peppermint Says:

                  Awesome advice, Speedy. I wonder if Matt will take it…

                  There is a motivational speaker, Nick Vujicic, who recently married a beautiful Hawaiian woman. He has no arms or legs — if anyone has the “right” to make excuses, he does — but he has an amazing attitude.

                  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2102886/Nick-Vujicic-Limbless-motivational-speaker-enjoys-honeymoon-beach-week-marrying-love-life.html

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                • LaMotta Says:

                  It’s not just about Matt. Men aren’t “winning”. But women aren’t either.

                  Men would be “winning” back in the bad old days when women felt socially pressured to “land a man”. That could perhaps be construed as “winning” for men. Not because women were compelled to do something, but because men were actually valued for their masculine attributes and actually pursued for that.

                  Today, the situation is so bleak, it’s almost as if both sides are simply boycotting dating.

                  I do think this is mostly driven by unrealistic female expectations.

                  I don’t have too bad a paucity of dating options, but to have just a few decent simultaneous ones, I really have to put a lot of “extra” effort into it. This is difficult being busy with law school and work. But I always have to create the initial “opening” and shepherd things along at every stage, or nothing happens. When it does, I frequently get the result that the woman is super grateful that I did and couldn’t understand why she was reluctant.

                  As a result, I find it difficult to have a gratifying “dating life” going on in general, even though it’s better in Manhattan (by far) than it has been form me anywhere else I’ve lived.

                  Women are holding out too much. As far as what men are doing wrong, maybe many are like me and just get so frustrated and exhausted they “check out” of dating for long periods of time.

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                  • The D-man Says:

                    Stop thinking of it as sheparding and start thinking of it as leading. Women are attracted to leaders.

                    One of the smartest dating tactics I ever learned was to be specific when asking a girl out. “I want to take you to this great Italian place I know” is ten times better than “wanna hang out sometime?”

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          • Snowflake Says:

            Clearly Matt you do not see that there is a common factor in all your tales of woe. Its obvious to all of us. But you are failing, desperately failing to want to see that common factor.

            It is you.

            Until you overhaul your way of thinking, removing your negativity that even us reading your comments can see them blatant as daylight, you will not be the least bit successful. Imagine this, us just reading words on a screen can see how negative you are, imagine how the people around you feel, view you, see your negativity, a mile away. Its not attractive.

            You want different results, change how you perceive situations, treat people. You only have control over one thing, you.

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            • Janine Says:

              If I recall correctly, Matt has also noted in the past that he regularly messages women out of his league and doesn’t shoot for those within his own. Could explain why his online dating experience is lacking.

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  6. D. Says:

    On the issue of standards/settling, I think the best standards to have are about yourself and what this person does in relation to you, rather than some objective, standalone standard. For example, I’d say it’s more important to find someone who (assuming you want it) is able to intellectually challenge you and broaden your horizons than it is to find someone with an Ivy League degree. Likewise, it’d be important to find someone where, with combined incomes, you’d be financially stable and capable of living the kind of life you want to enjoy, rather than them having an X-figure salary just to have one. Like, if the two of you with 5-figure salaries would be able to live comfortable, then why are you trying to find someone in the low-to-mid 6-figures? What’s the point? Likewise, sharing particular tastes in this or that is ultimately meaningless, if the person’s communication style is totally incompatible with yours. I mean, sure, you can talk about how you both love XYZ indie rock band, but if you’re incredibly animated and the other person is incredibly subdued or taciturn, would it be a good fit?

    So, I’d say the standards to compromise on are the external hard-line standards (up to a point, of course), and that those standards should be compromised on in pursuit of the more important ones about how you feel with that person.

    Example: I’m into food and pairing wine/beer with various flavors. I’m an adventurous eater, and I love to share the experience of a good meal. I used to say I refuse to date anyone who’s a vegetarian/vegan/picky-eater-of-any-sort. In large part, I still stand by that, because I’d prefer to find someone who’s game for the same adventure as I am, but I also met and was really drawn to a woman who described herself as a “pescetarian,” and who also was as into food — within that particular subset of it — as I was. So, what was more important? That we liked all the same dishes, or that we could enjoy the experience of eating together at the same level?

    That’s what I’m getting at, ultimately. It’s not the hard-and-fast external things that are most important, but rather the practical impact on your life. Those external standards are useful to help ensure you get to that tougher-to-define practical impact, but they can also get in the way and actually keep you from finding something genuinely good if you let the external override what’s really important.

    So, don’t compromise on the really important standards (e.g., does the person have a similar sense of humor to you and can you laugh together), but do compromise on the things you come up with to try to ensure that end result (e.g., “Must love [insert favorite comedy show here]”).

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  7. Kurt Says:

    A woman who wants to have children probably does have to settle if she is 35 and still single. She needs to be proactive and compromising if she hopes to find a decent man willing to marry her. 35 may be “young” in terms of one’s overall lifespan – however, it certainly isn’t all that young in terms of a woman’s reproductive lifespan.

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    • krismae Says:

      Hate to rain on your parade, but studies are now showing that sperm from men over 40 are linked to higher rates of autism and schizophrenia. So for a man who wants to have kids, he might want to listen to the old biological clock, himself.

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      • LaMotta Says:

        You might be right about what men *should* do, but I don’t think “higher likely rates of schizophrenia” (i.e. a 2% risk instead of 1%) are driving the biological imperative to the same extent as for women, especially compared to the fall-off in their average fertility rates from age 30.

        Evolution is probably not very bothered by the fact that older men “spreading their seed” might result in a 2% schizophrenia rate (or whatever the increased probability is), as long as they produce lots of progeny (i.e. “lots of tries”). By contrast, if we had to rely on 40+ year old women to renew the population, we’d be in big trouble. Evolution “knows” this; that’s why women are hormonally-programmed to act in accordance with it.

        It’s apples to oranges.

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  8. Treifalicious Says:

    OK, as long as you are willing to be married to someone who is just settling for you in order to have kids.

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  9. K Says:

    I agree that women misinterpret what is meant by “settle.” It’s not that anyone is suggesting you lower your standards to an unreasonable level or commit to someone who doesn’t meet your needs. It’s just that, if it hasn’t happened for you by your mid-30s, meaning you haven’t been married or really even in long-term functional relationships, then, assuming you *want* to get married, you probably need to widen your view in order to find someone you’re compatible with.

    Some obvious examples are looking down your nose at guys who make less than 6 figs / less than you make / balding / greying / don’t have the most impressive car / have kids, etc. None of those things say anything about the guy’s character or how compatible he’d actually be with you. If I had seen my boyfriend’s financial / living situation described on paper before I met him in person, I would probably have passed.

    So, I mean, this is tangible “settling.” But it doesn’t feel like it. I’m not settling on character, compatibility, fun, attraction, sex, or anything important. And it’s by far the most functional relationship I’ve ever been in. I would have missed out if I had “required” or felt entitled to a guy whose financial situation is comparable to or better than mine.

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    • Brad Says:

      K, you reminded me of my friend’s recent facebook status:

      “LEE and I celebrate TEN years of marriage today!! WOW, a lot has happened in ten years.
      Now that I am an old, wise married woman, I feel I can give advice. Girls, I am going to make it real easy for you….GO FOR KINDNESS.”

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I would have missed out if I had “required” or felt entitled to a guy whose financial situation is comparable to or better than mine.

      I would never date a guy who’s financial situation wasn’t at least comparable to mine. That’s not being entitled. That’s about wanting an equal and a responsible adult.

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      • Matt Says:

        “Responsibility” does not equate to “financially well off”. Certainly, many social workers don’t make much more than the people they’re helping, and yet I’m sure many qualify as “responsible adults”.

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      • The D-man Says:

        In general this is a good strategy. However, there are some guys who are less about money and more about results. e.g. the handyman who can lay tile and install a new kitchen. I am sooooo not that guy, but I hear they exist.

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      • Jack Says:

        That depends entirely on how much you make. If your income is average, then you can bring up the whole “responsible adult” thing. However if you are making a million a year and the guy is making $75K and you don’t think he’s responsible, then that’s entirely your fault and you deserve what you get.

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  10. K Says:

    Interesting. I haven’t seen that a couple needs to make the same / have a comparable financial situation in order to be happy. If one makes a lot, and the other makes less but still a good living and can handle their finances, it seems viable to me.

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  11. arbee Says:

    Absolutely the implication was that women need to settle, but I am used to Moxie being negative and at times antagonistic in her column.

    It’s significantly harder to find the right guy after 35 and even more so after 40 and 45. But I know 4 women who did so far. This is not hearsay. One met him on eHarmony, one on PlentyofFish, one on Yahoo personals, and one at a singles event. All were 43 and up. Two have had babies (healthy and biologically) after 45 with the guys. All feel they have met the love of their lives and they are very happily married. No, I am not just saying this. These are actual friends of mine and a former co-worker.

    What do they have in common? They did not settle. But they put in a lot of time and effort to meet someone, going to many events and answering many ads and going on lots and lots and lots of first dates. But it paid off for each of them.

    So keep at it, women, and don’t let other people’s negativity get to you.

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    • Zammo Says:

      ” But they put in a lot of time and effort to meet someone, going to many events and answering many ads and going on lots and lots and lots of first dates.”

      They put in the effort… that’s the key. The usual advice is “love happens when you least expect it” and that’s extreme bullshit.

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  12. AJ Says:

    I agree with you Moxie. But do these men ever run out of the quality of women they are used to dating as they get older? Do they settle for what’s available when they reach their late 69s? Just wondering.

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    • Jack Says:

      If he’s a man of means, he probably won’t run out of options as fast as women will. As women start to get older, things start to go south in the looks department. This is a BIGGER problem for women than men.

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      • Matt Says:

        Are you trying to be funny, or does your computer have some sort of new-fangled autocorrect that fixes your posts to make you sound like a misogynist?

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        • LostSailor Says:

          The truth isn’t misogynistic. But the fact that you cavalierly toss the word around is an indicator of why you’ve lacked success at dating…

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          • Matt Says:

            Yes, my problems with online dating stem from me not holding to the idea that women automatically turn into repellant harridans once they hit 35. *rolls eyes*

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  13. joe-f Says:

    Agree, commitment means settling. Guys settle too. I didn’t get that beautiful, smart, cool and funny girl that I thought I deserved but I found someone with flaws that I could live with. In the process, I realize I am not as hot as I think I am.

    I want to comment on the age, 35. I think Moxie is right about that age. All my guy friends who are holding out for the great girls fold around age 38 and they usually married girls a little younger than them so 35 is about right. The leftover guys are probably never going to settle.

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  14. Saywhat! Says:

    No one should attached money to how they feel emotionally about a person. But, many people do – MANY!!!. If you are somewhat a ‘together’ person, with your own style, triats and fairly secure with yourself as a person and knows what you like it may just hinder you in terms of dating. I think people have to sometime FORGET who they are if that’s makes any sense to people. I mean just for a while. Try doing the opposite of what you normally would do and see where it takes you. I guess what I’m saying is because $ will tie into how one lives socially, so, if one doesn’t make a lot of money, they won’t be hanging at the cool, hip, pricey cafe around the corner, therefore won’t meet the charming, smart, guy with potential who may to working his way up to your equal standards.

    Just my thought.

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  15. Jack Says:

    I will continue to say this, and women will continue to “dislike” my comments, but there are many SILLY men and women out there. It seems, with every passing generation, people get more selfish and self absorbed. There is so much now to distract from what really matters.

    For all the women complaining about settling, look back at your parents’ story – In how many cases was there what you would call a “mismatch”? I know that was the case with my parents. My Dad married way above his station, and they have been happy for a long time now.

    Moxie isn’t saying throw out all your standards. But in this day and age when men have such easy access to some commitment-free ass, you might want to start looking deeper at what makes someone a good long term partner.

    But of course, chances are you won’t take this advice….And at the end of the day, men are winning, like Moxie said.

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    • someone Says:

      [i]”And at the end of the day, men are winning, like Moxie said.”[/i]

      Jack, wake up – men aren’t “winning,” they’re losing the dating game in America, but the “chattering class” (mostly female writers) will often write misleading things to have you believe otherwise. A staggering number of men (not just young men but also older middle-aged men) are lonely and desperate and can’t find girlfriends or wives. In America, the women do the choosing because the numbers are in their favor (outside of NYC).

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      • LostSailor Says:

        You’re right that some men aren’t winning, but the tide has begun to turn. If you believe that the imbalance needs to be corrected, then do your best to change things…

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  16. pistonsguard Says:

    I’m glad to see that finally Moxie is beginning to see the light. Everyone settles and it is not a bad thing.

    The problem is that most people have been brought to be so entitled. Unfortunately, this disease is worse amongst women because they are brought to believe that they are special. If every one is special, then they are just average. Stop watching lifetime movies.

    After a certain age, dating pool thins out. Men tend to retain better value compared to women. So, women who used to have men chase them to buy a drink, have no one groveling at their feet for a mere date. With their huge egos, this is particularly tough for aging women.

    My message to women – be more realistic or just buy more cats and subsidize Ben & Jerry

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  17. someone Says:

    It’s incredibly easy for women to find dates in the US. Wear something feminine, like heels and make-up, and you’re already head and shoulders above 60% of American females who dress like shit. Lose weight, and you’re already better than the overweight 75-80% of the “competition.”

    Not only is there a shortage of women in America due to male immigration and some other issues (this was correctly pointed out above by one of the commenters — the only exception is NYC, but everywhere else, American cities are sausage fests — the total opposite of Eastern Europe — if you doubt that, just go to your local bar, or count the # of profiles on Match), but in addition to that, they don’t take care of their appearance and dress in a casual/frumpy way and think that the men don’t care.

    America is paradise for any woman who has a pair of heels at home and isn’t 30 lbs. overweight… the sad fact is that even the frumpy and fat women in this country are also getting plenty of action without even putting any effort in at all — this ain’t Russia or Eastern Europe. So the woman over 35 shouldn’t be complaining IMHO because she’s got plenty of options from my observations.

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  18. LaLa Says:

    I read once in a book that you should decide what’s most important to you in a man: Beauty, Brains, or Brawn. Usually you’ll get two. Sometimes you’ll only find one. Most people will never find all three. It’s really not about settling and more about realizing that there is no “perfect man” out there. I figured that out in my mid twenties and soon after was married. Is my husband perfect? Not by any means. But he’s perfect for me. You want a man who’s smart, funny, attractive, financially stable, and willing to commit. But do you have to have funny? Can he be street smart instead of book smart? Does he need to be the breadwinner or are you a career girl? Those are the kinds of things that are meant by settling. Figuring out what the most important things are to you, and looking at the rest as icing on the cake.

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