The #1 Sign He Just Wants a Casual Hook-Up

November 19th, 2012

Awkward, Bad Dates, Casual sex, Dating, Sex

Name: B
Age: 38
State:
Question: I had a first date with a man from a dating site on Friday evening.  Just drinks at a bar in town.  We had exchanged a few fun emails before arranging the date, so there was lots of laughter and joking at the date, and I thought it was going well.

In the middle of a conversation, he said “I think I’m going home alone tonight and having a good sleep” and I nodded.  He said “Is that all you’re going to do?  Nod?”  So I said I wasn’t sure how to respond to his comment, and we both laughed, then asked him what the correct reply was.  He changed the subject.  There was no red flag at the time, as everything  was said in a lighthearted tone.

We discovered that my mother is from the same small town as his father, and he said “Oh my father would be pleased I ended up with a local girl!” which I took to be a lighthearted joke.  We are also both interested in photography, and talked about our projects and exhibitions we have been to recently.

He asked me to accompany him to a gallery on Monday, and I told him that I had plans to go to a dinner party that evening.  He asked me to cancel and go with him  instead, or to get my friend to reschedule her dinner party, and I said it wouldn’t be possible at such short notice, and asked if he was available later in the week, but he changed the subject.

We held hands when he walked me to my car and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  Before he left, he said it wasn’t too late for him to go back to my place, and I laughed, thinking he was joking, because it was 11:30 and we were both tired.

The next morning he texted to ask if I got home okay and I said yes, then I asked if he slept well, and got no answer.  Later on, I logged into the dating site, and he had copied and pasted an invitation to a special event at the gallery we talked about.  I said “Cool, I’m going!” then he replied and said he wasn’t going to go.

I’m feeling that I’m failing his tests.  I probably didn’t show him the level of physical affection he was expecting.   I’m confused because I always go dutch on dates, so there’s no pressure for the man to get a return on his “investment.”  What’s your take on the situation?

 

This guy wasn’t testing you. He just wasn’t interested beyond a casual hook up. Tests are normally used to determine if there is genuine interest. This guy didn’t care if you were interested or not. He was talking about future dates and making references to how his dad would be excited that he “ended up” with a local girl to give you the impression that he was really into you.

He wasn’t.  He was trying to get laid and he failed. Had you agreed to go to that gallery opening with him when he first asked, I guarantee you that he would have cancelled on you. He was trying to butter you up so you’d feel more comfortable going home with him. By the end of the date, he had exhausted all of his bush league tricks and just came out and asked you to take him home. When you said no it was game over for him. He was done trying. Don’t be fooled by the text the next day asking if you got home safely. That was just him investing in case he ever finds himself out of options.

It’s important to understand that a high percentage of the men that women meet online are just there to get laid. They’re not even looking to casually date someone. They’re looking for a straight-up one night stand. A one and done.  The tell tale sign of such a man? They try to force a false sense of intimacy of familiarity right away.

He asked me to cancel and go with him  instead, or to get my friend to reschedule her dinner party,

Okay. Let’s talk about the level of self-absorption that someone must possess to ever believe this is an appropriate request. These are the types of things that men do that should immediately make you suspicious of their intentions. This guy that you’ve only met once is so enamored of you that he wants you to cancel your plans or get your friend to reschedule a dinner party just so you could accompany him to a gallery opening? He couldn’t have, I don’t know, asked you out for a different night? He was feigning interest so that you’d be more willing to sleep with him. He’s thinking that, if you believe that a second date was already on the calendar, that you’d let your guard down. Sorry, but how desperate to get laid does a guy have to be to go to such lengths? Is it that hard for him to get some? That alone would have turned me off.

Before he left, he said it wasn’t too late for him to go back to my place, and I laughed, thinking he was joking, because it was 11:30 and we were both tired.

Women should never blame a guy for trying to get her to take him home. That alone does not mean the guy is just looking for a no strings hook up. Don’t automatically assume the guy is a lost cause of he does this. Isolated, this is not a bad sign. Combined with the “we” talk and atypical level of interest before the date is even over, and it doesn’t bode well.

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44 Responses to “The #1 Sign He Just Wants a Casual Hook-Up”

  1. The D-man Says:

    I’ve jokingly suggested “cancel your plans, I’m more fun” to women but never seriously.

  2. hammersandnails Says:

    “Sorry, but how desperate to get laid does a guy have to be to go to such lengths? Is it that hard for him to get some? ”

    If it was “that hard for him to get some” he would have been more careful. It for some reason makes you feel better to pretend like you don’t know better. Don’t sound so smug. He almost certainly does ok and was just trying to get some more. Guy’s that don’t get any are more careful not to offend delicate sensibilities. Guys that have more options then time are willing to burn the long game bridge to make sure they aren’t leaving anything on the table tonight.

    • The D-man Says:

      Yeah, a man’s boldness directly correlates with success. The timid guys who never get laid are too scared to say something like this. (I speak as a former timid guy.)

      Doesn’t mean it works every time, but you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

      • LaMotta Says:

        Agreed… and I agree with Moxie’s take.

        What’s sad is that the OP is such a “babe in the woods” on this one.

        The guy was trying to make it obvious what he wanted without being overtly crude or or breaching “plausible deniability” of his intentions.

        It’s very common. I wouldn’t even call it sleaze; it’s the only real acceptable way to make it clear that what is desired is just physical/non-serious.

        More pushy and hasty than my style, but totally valid.

        (And this guy probably spends a lot less time dating women whose intentions are ambiguous and who are just enjoying the “free ride”, since of course it is totally accepted for women to be “courted” by lots of guys simultaneously and being taken out, but the converse of guys having the kind multiple “options” they want is not (that’s a “harem”)).

        • Anon Says:

          I’m not sure whether your “free ride” allusion was aimed at the OP, but it’s worth noting that she goes Dutch on dates.

    • LostSailor Says:

      I agree that this is not a sign of desperation, but an attempt to create comfort by implanting the suggestion of a future relationship, even if only a second date. It’s not the action of a timid man who is desperate for sex. Quite the opposite. The thing is that it’s more likely to work than not…

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Guys that have more options then time are willing to burn the long game bridge to make sure they aren’t leaving anything on the table tonight.

      Guys with options don’t have to resort to these tactics. If they want to get laid that badly, they can walk out of a date and send a woman a text. Guys with options and experience know that sometimes you have to accept no on the first date. It’s a loss leader strategy. They invest, they pay and by date two or three they get laid. These guys typically have 2-3 women on their roster at any given time.

      Pushing for sex and ignoring her signs just makes you look desperate and incompetent. Stop listening to your single guy friends. I’m a woman and I’m telling you how that makes you look.

      • HammersAndNails Says:

        “I’m a woman and I’m telling you how that makes you look.”

        Neither I, nor this guy cared how it looks. It was a calculated risk. He didn’t want to invest. He either wanted to get laid on the spot or nothing. For whatever reason it just wasn’t worth it to stick around and play the game. I am a single guy. I usually do date a few women at once. The amount of time I’m willing to invest depends on how pretty/fun/interesting the girl is, and what my current situation is. In this case, this guy consciously decided that one night was all he was willing to sink.

        You are ignoring the obvious, he actually wasn’t that far off. His shenanigans, as much as you don’t like them, didn’t really have any negative impact. If he’d played along the next day he could have taken this wherever he wanted. Go ahead and make a big show of saying all women hate this stuff, but she’s here wondering why he isn’t contacting her. She’s not here saying it was a boring date with a nice guy and she didn’t “feel the spark”. You say you are much to clever for this guys nonsense, but I see a guy who had his approach properly calibrated to his intended audience. You say he was incompetent, I am guessing he is competent enough that most of the women he decides to try this on are the women this works on, and that he is sophisticated enough to try something different with a different woman.

        Obviously it’s all speculation but generally speaking the men who are too bold, too flip, too casually “lightheartedly” sexual, are almost always this way because it works.

        • Eliza Says:

          If his so-called “shenanigan” did work… it is probably based on how desperate that particular woman may have been. You see….it’s not about the “game”–but the individual that the player is addressing. If he is approaching women who are desperate…then sure, it will work. Anything will pretty much work. But women, like the OP who are not desperate and know they have more to offer, will decline the offer and not succumb to it. It’s all about supply and demand. If there is an audience for it…there will be performers. You can’t blame a guy for trying as they say. Some will, some won’t. So what. That’s this guy’s approach. He’s not necessarily a genius for saying/doing what he did. He has done this so many times, and it’s a 50/50 crap shoot. You don’t know what percentage of women have been “taken” by his so-called scam. If ithat’s how you choose to view it. Some women want what he wants – a casual fling.

        • D. Says:

          I don’t think you guys are talking about the same technique. Go back and take a look at what this guy said.

          “I’m going to go home alone tonight and have a good sleep.” Followed by “That’s all you’re gonna do? Nod?” when the girl didn’t play into his gambit.

          That, to me, speaks to a guy who’s looking to get laid on a first date, but is too insecure to actually make a direct move.

          Now, I’m not saying that lighthearted sexual banter can’t or doesn’t work. Obviously it can and does. But I don’t read the OP’s recounting of the date as lighthearted sexual banter. I read it as social cluelessness. He’s making a half-assed high-school-era move that fell flat. He sort of kind of flirts sexually, but muddles the approach to a degree that she doesn’t even pick up on it, really. Then when she’s perplexed, it’s all “Oh, haha, I was just kidding anyway” as if he’s backing off.

          I’d say he’s insecure and/or socially awkward. If he were more confident, he’d just make a more direct play, consequences be damned. If he were more socially tuned in, he’d have read the situation well enough to recognize that just throwing out some sexual innuendo wouldn’t really fly, and wouldn’t have made the attempt at all.

          Personally, I go with socially clueless as the likely culprit. I mean, yeah, he was hoping to get laid, but there’s just some other weirdness in there. For example, the bit about “ended up with a local girl.” I mean, yeah, maybe he meant that as “ended up on a date with”, but the phrasing of that could suggest “and now we’re married on our first date.” That could be taken any number of ways, none of them good. Then he asks her out again, she says she’s busy, and he tells her to (A) blow off her plans or (B) tell her friend to reschedule her dinner party, and when she STILL gives him a chance (i.e., “Are you free any other night?”) he changes the subject.

          Taken together, that’s not confidence, or casual lighthearted banter. That’s a guy who’s clueless and socially tone-deaf. He’s trying too hard in some respects, not hard enough in others, and misses cues from her in the meantime.

          Might be he just wants sex, but if he did, I don’t get why he’d be trying to invite her to the gallery opening, asking her to change plans, etc. She’s already made it clear they aren’t gonna be getting it on that night, so who cares if she goes to the gallery with him if he just wants sex now? If he’s playing the long-game to get sex, then he’s missing the cue she gave about “are you free some other time?”

          It doesn’t add up, to me, as being purely about getting laid. I actually think the guy was socially awkward and insecure, and what he was looking for wasn’t just sex, but rather instant intimacy and super-positive feedback right off the bat. That’d include sex, but it’d also include her engaging him in his fantasy about “ended up with a local girl” and blowing off her friend to run off to a gallery with him. To me, the common theme here is all disproportionate interest based on a first date. It’s like she’s not playing into his fantasy as a whole, so he ditched her.

          Probably spared her some real headaches down the road, actually.

          • HammersAndNails Says:

            I very much disagree with your read, but neither of us was there and we are going off pretty limited info. You have made a valid points about some things which are certainly guesses on both of our parts. The problem I have though is that you are embelishing a few things.

            >That, to me, speaks to a guy who’s looking to get laid on a first date, but is too insecure to actually make a direct move.

            You don’t go more direct because many women do not like crude or “too forward” when it comes to sex. They will take offense and take it personally. better to play it safe here. Every guy knows this. Unless you get the vibe that the girl is 100% dtf or or the kind of girl who breaks out the whole whips and chains toy box on the first date you keep it clean. Every guy who is decent with women knows this. The girls that honestly “have no idea” wouldn’t have gone home with you either way. Girls like to talk about being direct, but it’s more often than not a dumb play for a guy. Girls only like direct from the right guy, at the right time, delivered just right. It’s a risk with low rewards.

            “If he were more socially tuned in, he’d have read the situation well enough to recognize that just throwing out some sexual innuendo wouldn’t really fly, and wouldn’t have made the attempt at all.”

            Again, you are not being practical here. He gave it a shot that could have worked AND managed not to mess up his future opportunities.

            “weirdness in there. For example, the bit about “ended up with a local girl.””
            simple flattery and trying to establish a connection. You are dead wrong here because you declare this terrible, when it clearly did not weird out the girl he said it to. Stop filtering everything through what you would like. The girl he said it to did not find it weird and did want to see him again. He didn’t have a local girl fantasy. 99/100 times when a guy says that hes blowing smoke up her skirt to get laid. Telling a girl she is special for abc-not-your-looks-xyz is getting laid 101.

            “To me, the common theme here is all disproportionate interest based on a first date.”

            Again, she is buying what he is selling. You are making the facts fit your narrative. The interest wasn’t disproportionate it was not genuine either. It was what he guessed she would be interested in. He was right. She’s interested.

            All in all I disagree with your take, but who knows we only have a few words from one side of the story to go by.

          • Julie Says:

            OMG! I think you’re right. And I think I dated “that guy” for about a month several years back – the instant intimacy guy. After 1 week of dating, he asked me to never change. After 2 weeks of dating, he asked me how many children I wanted. After 3 weeks, he started talking about our “one month anniversary”. I laughed because I couldnt imagine he was serious. He grew cool very quickly after that and dumped me a few days later. He was just the mad rush to intimacy guy.

            We stayed friends and I later heard that he did this mad rush to intimacy with all women which included making up imaginary children that he and his girlfriends would name and refer to in conversations.

            I think you nailed this one! And yes, those guys are a fun rush but they are bat shit crazy!

        • GI_JANE Says:

          Agree 100% with HammerAndNails

          He see’s this woman as a one night stand only and is cutting off investing any more time in her unless it is sexual.

          And he has more options because if he didn’t, he would try much harder with you/the few.

      • LostSailor Says:

        I agree with H&N. Moxie, you’re a woman who has a lot more experience and critical thinking than most women. If you see through this guy’s ploy and find it “desperate” that’s fine. H&N is right that this guy simply didn’t care if B saw through it, since the signs are that she didn’t and he took a calculated risk to push past her barriers for sex that night. Maybe his FWB wasn’t available that night.

        My guess is that the tactic works for this guy more often than it doesn’t, so he felt he had nothing to lose. And she still seems interested, at least when she wrote you.

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        I’m a woman and I’m telling you how that makes you look.
        You’re a smart, perceptive woman that thinks more about this stuff in a day than the average woman does in a month.

        How do you think players get women onto that booty call roster? By using tactics like this. He threw out some bait, and she didn’t take it–but it was still subtle enough (compared to the stupid shit that other guys say) that most women would blow it off as harmless flirting if they weren’t already thinking along the same lines. The OP even said it wasn’t a red flag at the time; it was only after he blew her off that she realized the significance.

        You’ve got the desperation thing backwards. He blew her off after the first date because he has enough options it’s not worth investing even two dates in a woman who’s not immediately DTF, because he can replace her with one that probably is. A desperate guy wouldn’t have any other options waiting to replace her, so he’d be forced to play a long game. IOW, they keep swinging at a ball they’ve already missed because they’re not sure when the next ball will come.

  3. VJ Says:

    Q: “The #1 Sign He Just Wants a Casual Hook-Up?’

    A: He’s breathing and appears to have working gonads.

    This has been yet another episode of short answers to seemingly impossibly complex questions. Cheers, ‘VJ’

  4. Eliza Says:

    Simple solution: kick this man to the curb–like yesterday’s garbage…and move onto someone more genuine, with better intentions. That simple. As SOON as that guy suggested you cancel your plans–you should have stood up–and said “have to leave, have to do something more important – than waste my time here with you”. Nothing complex. The guy is a jerk…and is looking to pump and dump. It’s so apparent. If that’s not what you want…just leave. Secondly. I don’t DO Tests…I already went to school. Not about to be somebody’s student…and jump through hoops for anyone. They either like you, for who you are and take the time to find out if it’s mutual…by having normal conversations that don’t involve stupid immature litmus tests – or you move on. if women who less easy, and more easy going – men would not behave this way.

    • LostSailor Says:

      Simple solution: kick this man to the curb–like yesterday’s garbage…and move onto someone more genuine, with better intentions.

      Too late. He’s already moved on. He can’t be kicked to the curb, though it might give you some “you go grrrl!” satisfaction, because he’s already way down the road.

      The guy is a jerk…

      Which is why she’s still into him and worrying that she’s not passing his “tests.”

      I don’t DO Tests…and jump through hoops for anyone.

      Spoken like someone who’s overly sensitive and probably usually fails even the simplest of “tests” to determine attraction.

      • Eliza Says:

        LostSailor – you are so “lost”. Just so you know–women who know they have a lot to offer – don’t care or bother “passing” these stupid tests. They ALSO have options. Plenty of them. They don’t lose sleep over the insignificant.

        • LostSailor Says:

          Eliza, I know exactly where I am, in spite of the handle. Women who “know they have a lot to offer” typically don’t bother “passing stupid tests” because they usually can’t. They reassure themselves that they have “options.” “Plenty of them.” Really!!

          It’s just that nearly all your comments carry an undertow of hostility and bitterness. Which leads me to believe you may have fewer options than you profess to yourself.

          • Eliza Says:

            Women with options – are dating multiple men, and don’t bother to wonder why a man hasn’t called after a first date. They move on…and meet someone else. You are the one that comes across hostile. “Really”! and yes, tests are STUPID, and unecessary if you are a mature adult. Simple conversation and time reveals enough about a person.

      • Adrienne Says:

        I agree with LS – I don’t think it was a “test” at all. Rather, a way to perhaps “soften” the girl and play on her emotions, i.e. “My father would love it if I brought home a local girl” was an attempt to make her think that there was a special connection and possibly future dates.

        Crafty, if you ask me. But, he gambled and he lost. The OP should stop worrying about whether or not she passed his “tests” – if a guy truly likes you, he won’t make you jump through hoops. He’ll ask you out on another date and be happy to be with you.

        • HammersAndNails Says:

          Gambled and lost by spending his night with this girl instead of a different one. Shes clearly into him and gave him a peck on the cheek. You think he could have done things differently and gotten sex?

          All his bets paid off.. the jackpot for the night just wasn’t worth the wager.

          • Adrienne Says:

            Clearly, she wasn’t interested in having sex with him that night. When he said he was going home alone that night and then questioned her “nod” reply, he should have gotten the hint. If she WAS interested in sex, I assume that she would have said something to allude that she wanted it, too.

            Just because a girl is interested in a guy does NOT mean that she wants sex after a first date. I don’t think he could have done anything differently to get her to go home with him – that wasn’t her intention, from what I read. She is also very careful to go dutch on a date so as not to imply that a guy should get a return on his “investment” – which I find to be revolting, by the way.

  5. Different Brad Says:

    I’ll offer the fifth or whatever opinion about this guy not being remotely desperate. These tactics work–I know because I’ve used them in the past, though I suggested my place and not hers. They also fail. No one bats 1.000, after all. The only “test” he had was whether or not the OP would invite him home. Seduction is largely a matter of someone giving you an excuse to do what you already want to do; the OP didn’t want to sleep with him (at least not that quickly), and didn’t compromise her comfort level in order to keep him around.

    Also, men who might be tempted to employ this level of directness to get laid: yeah, it can work sometimes but don’t expect to find genuine fulfillment with it.

    • HammersAndNails Says:

      “yeah, it can work sometimes but don’t expect to find genuine fulfillment with it.”

      I never understood this. Getting women into bed is hard. Even once you are good at it, it’s still work. Getting a woman who is already in your bed into a genuine relationship? not hard. Are you just pointing out that guys get too into racking up the numbers to realize they are missing out on a great relationship?

      • Brad Says:

        Sorry for my delay!

        It’s not hard to get “women” into bed, it’s hard to get the exact woman you want at that moment into bed. I actually find establishing a genuine relationship to be the “not easy” part, but then again, it was only hard when it was with the obviously-wrong-woman. Put another way, silly game-playing is pretty easy because it’s sort of an automatic/default-setting type of behavior, building and maintaining genuine connections takes constant effort and awareness–not of the exhausting kind, though.

        Guys who get too absorbed into racking up numbers miss out on all sorts of great things. But, everyone evolves at their own rate, so, who am I to judge.

  6. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    I keep re-readng the story trying to figure out the evidence that the guy was just looking for a one night stand.

    To me, this all just teasing and flirty banter. The guy wasn’t seriously asking her to cancel her plans, I don’t think. He was teasing and being fun. And interesting. Personally, in my experience, this type of behavior doesn’t lead straight to sex but it builds attraction and interest over some time which usually “pays off” in later dates. I see no evidence that he was only intersted in one date. I’m not sure what some of you are reading.

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      P.S. I have no idea what this means: ” I logged into the dating site, and he had copied and pasted an invitation to a special event at the gallery we talked about. I said ‘Cool, I’m going!’ then he replied and said he wasn’t going to go.”

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Match and howaboutwe allow users to post event ideas. I’m guessing thats what she’s referring to.

        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          Oh, it seemed to me that the invite was for the event at the gallery that was on Monday, i.e. the one they talked about on the same night as her dinner party, so she couldn’g go. No?

          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            Right. He was looking for someone else to take. When she said she could go he suddenly said he couldnt.

            • DrivingMeNutes Says:

              Ha, but she said “Cool I’m going!” That is why I am confused.

              • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                She never said he emailed that to her or extended an invitation to her.
                . She just said that she said she was going.
                I took that to mean she had simply rsvpd in the affirmative.

              • Trisha Says:

                She said it was for “an” event at the gallery, not necessarily the same Monday night event. At least that’s how I read it. She was saying while she couldn’t go to the previously-discussed event, she COULD go to this new one.

  7. Selena Says:

    Well the evidence that he was only interested in one date seems to be this:

    “The next morning he texted to ask if I got home okay and I said yes, then I asked if he slept well, and got no answer. Later on, I logged into the dating site, and he had copied and pasted an invitation to a special event at the gallery we talked about. I said “Cool, I’m going!” then he replied and said he wasn’t going to go.

    Dunno. Maybe he will ask her out again, but not replying to her text, and the deal about the gallery feels like a blow off.

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Well, sending her an email referencing something they talked about and sending her a text the following day are not, to me, indicative of a person who was playing some one-night stand game the day before. To me, it reads more like normal follow-up after a first date, one that may or may not lead to a second but not because he didn’t get laid. Not a guarantee of second date but not a blow off either.

      • Selena Says:

        Yeah, but kinda mixed signally hmm?

        • HammersAndNails Says:

          I doubt this will go over well here, but honestly if a woman will not give a bit more than a kiss on the cheek at the end of a date I consider that pretty much a blow off. I think he realized that either she was not interested or nothing physical was going to happen before global warming wipes us all out. He played along with normal follow up for a minute so he could think through his options, and then decided it just wasn’t worth it when it came time to follow up/invite her to the event.

          • LaMotta Says:

            … honestly if a woman will not give a bit more than a kiss on the cheek at the end of a date I consider that pretty much a blow off.

            Yeah, isn’t this pretty much standard? At any rate, it jibes with my experience 100%.

            • Joey Giraud Says:

              A kiss on the cheek is about as patronizing as you can get, in a dating situation anyhow.

              I would consider it an insult unless she was 75 years old. “My, aren’t you a sweet boy?”

  8. AJ Says:

    “In the middle of a conversation, he said “I think I’m going home alone tonight and having a good sleep”

    That was the dead give away. That was her cue to drink up and say “night, sleep tight” and leave. Total waste of her time (and his) to continue the date if she wasn’t into hooking up.

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