Question: I’m an attractive 28 year old single girl, and I seem to attract married men or men in relationships moreso than any of my friends, and moreso than I seem to attract single men. I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few, though never with the intention or expectation that it would turn into anything serious, because obviously I could never trust them as a boyfriend or anything but if I’m sexually attracted to them and the timing is right, you know… whatever (in one case I found myself getting attached so I ended it to prevent a truly ugly situation).
I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along. Some of my friends have told me because I’m really confident, carefree and give off a kind of “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, this is very attractive & exciting for men who aren’t looking for something serious and are probably tired of their nagging wives/girlfriends. And they say it’s this sort of demeanor that keeps away the single guys because I just come off as someone looking for fun. But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own. So which one is it?? I am a little quirky, have a “strong” personality (I am told) definitely smart and have been told I’m really funny, but shouldn’t that make me equally as attractive to single men as married/taken men? Or are married men just more brave about approaching me (or any woman) because they know their status makes them sexually non-threatening and I’m the one who attracts them by actually entertaining their advances?? Why is this happening and how do I turn this tide? Please help!
I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few.
Okay. There’s your answer as to why you “seem” to attract a lot of married or otherwise available men. These men will hit on anybody. It’s not something special or unique about you. But they pursue or push the issue with you because you entertain them. I’m not judging. While I’ve never gone the married man route, I’ve absolutely engaged and involved myself with men who had girlfriends.I liked the idea (aka the lie) of fulfilling something that the man’s girlfriend didn’t. The compliment was in the delusion that they were somehow choosing me over someone else. It wasn’t until one particularly toxic and unfortunate situation that began almost 6 years about that still rears its ugly head to this day did I really understand how insulting and disingenuous these types of advances are. Right now, you think these men get involved with you because there’s something special about you. Something better than their “nagging” wives. Newsflash: A man could be very happily married and love his wife and still want sex with other women. The two can be mutually exclusive. That “I don’t give a fuck” attitude your friends suggest that you have? That’s not a compliment. Not from your friends and not from the men. What they are telling you is that maybe people see you as someone with no moral compass. It’s one thing to behave that way. It’s another to demonstratively show no shame in behaving that way.
These men are not honing in on your because of your carefree attitude or strong personality or sexuality. They aren’t honing in on you at all. They just take it to the next level with you because you allow it. Why do you allow it? I don’t know.Only you know that. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re so just so incredible that available men don’t have the stones to approach you. When, quite possibly, you don’t want them in the first place.
I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along.
Maybe you don’t want a single guy? Like I said above, I’ve been in your shoes and that’s how I used to think, too. “Oh, I’m just biding my time until an available guy comes along.” There are available guys everywhere, if you look for them. But I wasn’t looking for them. I wasn’t looking for unavailable guys. I just wasn’t looking, period.
How do you turn the tide? You start by being honest with yourself about what you want and are capable of giving. There are a lot of grave mistakes that women make as they search for love. One of the biggest is the constant cognitive dissonance under which they function. They tell themselves one thing, but their behavior and actions say the complete opposite. If you truly wanted an available guy, you’d be with one. You choose unavailable men because those men work for you. Why? Well, I’ll throw out a few of possibilities. One, you like the attention and ego stroke that comes from convincing yourself you somehow are better than their wives. Two, you like your freedom and don’t need a serious commitment. You can get through life’s more trying moments on your own, but enjoy a little company now and then. Three, you like to know what you’re getting. Screwing an unavailable guy comes with instructions and an expiration date. You like that. There are no guessing games. You know it will end.
But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own.
Just because you’re available doesn’t mean you’re desperate. You probably are content on your own. So much so that you don’t want or need much more than that. There’s no rule that says you have to seek a relationship. I’m sure there are plenty of guys who don’t have wives or girlfriends who can deliver what it is you seek. It seems implausible to me that you don’t ever seem to meet them. They’re everywhere. Which leads me to think that there’s something specific to these entanglements with unavailable men that attracts you. Maybe it’s the understood and inevitable end. Or maybe you just don’t like other women. I don’t know.
You get something from sleeping with married men. Figure out what that is and you’ll have your course of action as to how to change the path.