Why Does She Keep Attracting Unavailable Men?

Name: M
Age: 28
State: TX
Question: I’m an attractive 28 year old single girl, and I seem to attract married men or men in relationships moreso than any of my friends, and moreso than I seem to attract single men. I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few, though never with the intention or expectation that it would turn into anything serious, because obviously I could never trust them as a boyfriend or anything but if I’m sexually attracted to them and the timing is right, you know… whatever (in one case I found myself getting attached so I ended it to prevent a truly ugly situation).

I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along. Some of my friends have told me because I’m really confident, carefree and give off a kind of “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, this is very attractive & exciting for men who aren’t looking for something serious and are probably tired of their nagging wives/girlfriends. And they say it’s this sort of demeanor that keeps away the single guys because I just come off as someone looking for fun. But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own. So which one is it?? I am a little quirky, have a “strong” personality (I am told) definitely smart and have been told I’m really funny, but shouldn’t that make me equally as attractive to single men as married/taken men? Or are married men just more brave about approaching me (or any woman) because they know their status makes them sexually non-threatening and I’m the one who attracts them by actually entertaining their advances??  Why is this happening and how do I turn this tide? Please help!

I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few.

Okay. There’s your answer as to why you “seem” to attract a lot of married or otherwise available men. These men will hit on anybody. It’s not something special or unique about you. But they pursue or push the issue with you because you entertain them. I’m not judging. While I’ve never gone the married man route, I’ve absolutely engaged and involved myself with men who had girlfriends.I liked the idea (aka the lie) of fulfilling something that the man’s girlfriend didn’t. The compliment was in the delusion that they were somehow choosing me over someone else.  It wasn’t until one particularly toxic and unfortunate situation that began almost 6 years about that still rears its ugly head to this day did I really understand how insulting and disingenuous these types of advances are. Right now, you think these men get involved with you because there’s something special about you. Something better than their “nagging” wives. Newsflash: A man could be very happily married and love his wife and still want sex with other women. The two can be mutually exclusive. That “I don’t give a fuck” attitude your friends suggest that you have? That’s not a compliment. Not from your friends and not from the men. What they are telling you is that maybe people see you as someone with no moral compass. It’s one thing to behave that way. It’s another to demonstratively show no shame in behaving that way.

These men are not honing in on your because of your carefree attitude or strong personality or sexuality. They aren’t honing in on you at all. They just take it to the next level with you because you allow it. Why do you allow it? I don’t know.Only you know that. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re so just so incredible that available men don’t have the stones to approach you. When, quite possibly, you don’t want them in the first place.

I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along.

Maybe you don’t want a single guy? Like I said above, I’ve been in your shoes and that’s how I used to think, too. “Oh, I’m just biding my time until an available guy comes along.” There are available guys everywhere, if you look for them. But I wasn’t looking for them. I wasn’t looking for unavailable guys. I just wasn’t looking, period.

How do you turn the tide? You start by being honest with yourself about what you want and are capable of giving. There are a lot of grave mistakes that women make as they search for love. One of the biggest is the constant cognitive dissonance under which they function. They tell themselves one thing, but their behavior and actions say the complete opposite. If you truly wanted an available guy, you’d be with one. You choose unavailable men because those men work for you. Why? Well, I’ll throw out a few of possibilities. One, you like the attention and ego stroke that comes from convincing yourself you somehow are better than their wives. Two, you like your freedom and don’t need a serious commitment. You can get through life’s more trying moments on your own, but enjoy a little company now and then. Three, you like to know what you’re getting. Screwing an unavailable guy comes with instructions and an expiration date. You like that. There are no guessing games. You know it will end.

But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own.

Just because you’re available doesn’t mean you’re desperate. You probably are content on your own. So much so that you don’t want or need much more than that. There’s no rule that says you have to seek a relationship. I’m sure there are plenty of guys who don’t have wives or girlfriends who can deliver what it is you seek. It seems implausible to me that you don’t ever seem to meet them. They’re everywhere. Which leads me to think that there’s something specific to these entanglements with unavailable men that attracts you. Maybe it’s the understood and inevitable end. Or maybe you just don’t like other women. I don’t know.

You get something from sleeping with married men. Figure out what that is and you’ll have your course of action as to how to change the path.

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32 Responses to “Why Does She Keep Attracting Unavailable Men?”

  1. Selena Says:

    Very much agree with all of Moxie’s response. Unavailable men aren’t specifically attracted to you, you are attracted to them. Guys who want to cheat are going to go for any woman who gives them a green light. Your “entertaining” them is that green light. Women who don’t want to get involved with taken men, don’t entertain them. They are put off by them.

    I also find it hard to believe available guys aren’t interested you. They are but you are choosing not to entertain them. Perhaps you are dismissing them as “too nice”, or boring, or not attractive enough. And perhaps that’s just psychological subterfuge. An available guy might end up feeling serious with you, and you don’t want that. Or worse, you might start feeling attached to him and that scares you. Less risk of that with the married/taken guy.

    You might try reading some self help books on the topic of getting involved with unavailable men. This in turn may lead you to look into counseling. It’s perfectly possible to be content being single M. It also perfectly possible to be content having casual relationships. Choosing unavailable men over and over is indicative of problem. You’d be wise to do some soul searching. Dig deep. For your own sake.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 7

    • krismae Says:

      I was thinking something similar…besides the whole fear of intimacy that seems to be the theme for the OP, maybe she’s not pulling as attractive single guys as she can with married men so she feels like she’s not attracting any available men. Perhaps that’s reading too much into it, though.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 2

    • Lianna Says:

      Agree with everything the writer said.. I’m now married but before then I was always in relationships with hot, intelligent men. Never understood how women can whinge about being single.. Seriously I used to have to fight them off and still do which I find irritating at times.
      All comes down to what kind of energy you put out there.. I know I have a friendly attitude and I’m attractive and funny.. Eye contact is definitely one thing u need to do if u want someone seriously if I came across someone I liked and we were both available then I never had a problem starting a something. All comes down to your sexual energy combined with eye contact.

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      • Lianna Says:

        Also if u are in a relationship and are attracting unwanted attention then obviously reducing your energy output .. Reducing your eye contact . Reducing conversation and reducing friendliness ( still bring polite) will also help prevent unwanted advances. I cover my hair as I think I helps to contain my female energy.. And dress conservatively although I always have.. These things help

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      • Lianna is a Jackass Says:

        You sound like an arrogant jackass.

        I could attribute the same superlatives you described yourself with to myself as well – and yet I’m not meeting a ton of “hot, intelligent” guys. Of course, this may just have to do with where I work and go to school, as opposed to what great traits I think I have. Sometimes, some of us just aren’t in a position to meet a lot of high-quality men, never mind what we think we bring to the table. That’s where other venues come into play.

        Maybe your truth is that you’re loose, slutty and desperately flirtatious? Oh, but those aren’t adjectives you’d like to lavish yourself with, are they?

        Women have the right to “whinge” about being single just as all of us have the right to complain about whatever else we want. If you don’t like it, too bad.

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  2. Speedy Says:

    It might be even simpler.

    Those qualities, none of them sound good. Everyone should be fun and confident but the kind of people that is said of… not so sure. You sound like hard work and possibly a drunk. They also sound like masculine qualities women find attractive (albeit that they immediately start to try and fix), if you were a dude called James Dean you’d have it made.

    But I’d be quite worried about becoming responsible for the mess created by someone with a ‘don’t give a fuck attitude’. Because the problem is when it all turns sour, you will turn out to ‘give a fuck’, the only people who really don’t are mostly in jail or in biker gangs. It often turns out to be a luxury quality that other people pay for, much like the ‘unworldly’ girl with the butterfly mind who has other people pay the bills while her artistic mind is free to whir. We dated that girl in college, never again. It isn’t intimidating or challenging, its just annoying.

    Perhaps none of that is true but if thats the perception….

    But married men wouldn’t feel responsible of course, they don’t even know you officially after all.

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  3. D. Says:

    Bottom line for the OP is like Moxie said:

    What do you really want?

    If you honestly want a relationship, then ignore these unavailable guys, dead-end dating (i.e., where you know it won’t lead to something serious, but it’s fun “in the meantime”), etc., and focus on what you want. If you want something serious, go for something serious to the exclusion of all else. Otherwise, you’re wasting time pursuing what you don’t want. That said, if you find yourself inexorably drawn to the non-serious….maybe it’s like Moxie said, and you don’t really WANT something serious.

    Ultimately, though, the real question worth answering here is: why?

    If you want something serious, why are you pursuing that which you know won’t turn serious?

    If you want something casual or don’t really care, why do you seem to tell yourself you do want something serious?

    Either you do want something serious and something’s holding you back, or you don’t and you’re falling prey to some set of expectations that you “ought” to want something serious. Either way, somewhere in there is a disconnect in one direction or the other. Figure out what that is, and life will get a HELL of a lot easier and more enjoyable.

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  4. HammersAndNails Says:

    I am a little quirky, have a “strong” personality

    Quirky is more attractive in rom-coms than real life, and if your friends are saying your personality is “strong” you probably would find what people who don’t particularly like you to be somewhat less than complementary.
    Married guys are hitting on you more than your friends because they sense for some reason you would be more receptive than your friends. Either you seem like the wild child, or you seem desperate/lonely.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 8

  5. Eliza Says:

    Sometimes it’s easier to “not give a fuck” – or at the very least – put that aura out there, and convince ourselves that we don’t care about anyone…because when you do care – you are vulnerable and can possibly get hurt. And that’s frightening for all of us. Even if we were hurt before. For some men and women, after a while, they start to convince themselves that they really don’t care if they have a monogymous relationship where there is mutual respect–why? Because of all the past deceptive and let downs…and that can come from relationships with friends, family members, not just romantic involvements. Like Moxie said…a person usually finds what they seek. It may take a while to meet that special person–but there are plenty of “available” men out there, that do want a relationship. The question is whether you really want one, or just enjoy the emotional rollercoaster of being with someone unattainable emotionally…and with an expiration date. Why? Perhaps in your view, the available guy is “too predictable”, too nice, too available, not enough of a “challenge” – because they may wear their hearts on their sleeves? Or too boring…you basically have equated married men as exciting…and that type of relationship intrigues you and you define it as exhilarating – going behind the girlfriend’s back or wife’s back for a rendevous. Who knows–many of these married men get involved with another woman for that same reason. The idea of sneaking behind someone’s back makes it that more racy….once the girlfriend or wife finds out – and wants nothing to do with their partner…guess what that “other woman” suddenly is not a conquest or of interest any longer. It’s a psychological twist. And for some men and woman, the grass is always greener…yet they want to keep their current home in tact while they test the waters elsewhere. If that’s what you want…go for it.

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  6. Ken Besig Says:

    At twenty eight this woman’s biological/age/social clock is definitely running and given her choices of male relationships, it may in her mind already run out. She seems to have gotten what she’s looking for, dead end and go no where relationships with unavailable men, even though she claims that this is not what she wants.

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  7. John Says:

    The OP is a train wreck. Or she is an attention seeker. At the age of 28 she has already had a “few” relationships with married men? Isnt that something that should only maybe happen once in your life? And if it happens multiple times, then maybe over the course of say 20 or 30 years? But 6 years removed from college and she already has been the “affair woman” a few times?

    And she claims to be so smart to boot. She knows what she is doing. She just doesn’t care and yet she tries to come off as “little ole me cant seem to meet single guys”. If she is as attractive and smart as she says she is, then the single guys would be lining up to meet her. But she accidentally chooses the marrieds? Come on. I am not buying her routine. 28 years old and she has been the other women so many times already. When she is 45 years old she will be doing the same thing. A Fatal Attraction chick in the early stages.

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    • Britnicole Says:

      I have the exact same problem. I am 28 years old, very bright, attractive and only get attention from married or taken men. On the other hand, I have not entertained the interest more than letting them pay for my tab. For those of you that say men should be lined up, this is not the case!

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  8. Jack Says:

    “…One of the biggest is the constant cognitive dissonance under which they (women) function. They tell themselves one thing, but their behavior and actions say the complete opposite…”

    And that really just explains this and all other mysteries when it come to women and dating. Moxie is great at hitting the nail right on the head.

    The idea that someone just naturally “attracts” taken men is idiotic. Why don’t you stop for a second and think about it….Is there something about my looks that turns off single men but turns on taken ones? Is there some kind of chemical substance I’m secreting? Or am I just in denial about the fact that it is my behavior causing this?

    See men learn to deal with reality from a very young age. If you throw a ball at the other kid on the play ground, he will come hit you right in the mouth. If you suck at basketball, you will not get picked at pick ip games on the block. It’s a very simple idea. Women, I think, grow up in a completely different universe.

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    • Janine Says:

      “See men learn to deal with reality from a very young age.”

      So do some women. And not all men do. Some people are better at facing reality than others. Gender has little to do with it.

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      • Jack Says:

        Yes it does. We see this crap ALL THE TIME. And as usual, women will deny it till the end of time.

        Gender / Culture have a lot to do with it. You don’t see this kind of silliness with women in other parts of the world.

        And when I say reality…I mean dating reality.

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        • Janine Says:

          Men have their own set of problems when it comes to the realities of dating. Maybe some men see certain things more clearly than women, but I guarantee you that many women see some dating truths more clearly than many men. Men AND women are silly, probably in all cultures.

          Clearly this particular woman has her own set of issues in that she can’t identify why she’s drawn to attached men, but I guarantee you at least one of those attached men is blind to some of his own issues. Like, you know, his motivations for being a cheater.

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          • Speedy Says:

            I don’t think that is true. I’d go as far as to say when a man starts using female language about ‘being unsure of his feelings’ and so on, he is basically up to something.

            I suspect if you asked any of those men why they cheat (and you weren’t their wife of course) they’d say it was because they wanted to. In fact I’m not really sure what ‘hidden motivations’ there could possibly be, sounds like a women’s kind of thing you’re projecting onto them.

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            • Janine Says:

              Okay, sure. I’ll take your word for it on that. My larger point was that men are not all-knowing reason machines when it comes to dating or life, while women sit on the sidelines unable to come to reality.

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              • Speedy Says:

                Oh, lots of men are complete idiots, particularly at dating really.

                What we’re talking about here is people telling themselves incredibly complicated stories about why they do things. Guys cheat because they want to. Girls cheat because of something that happened when they were 14, and an illness they had when they were 17 and their confused feelings about something that happened when they were 22, your body language last month when she mentioned that holiday she took in 1989, and….

                I think this might be due to formative experiences (“don’t give a fuck attitudes” tend to get physical correction far sooner rather than social correction later) but it has more to do with the ways we approach these things and perhaps expectations. It is certainly true men have far fewer pressures in this area. It makes everything simpler when your friends are for most part wholly uninterested in your relationships and to some extent society leaves you alone more as well. If you don’t have to lie to anyone, there is no status to gain from much in this area, no real sense of reputation to protect, then I don’t particularly have to lie to myself either. I assume there is basically a lot of pressure to make things socially acceptable for women which seems to be the case even when there isn’t anyone else who’d even know. This doesn’t even mean they are doing anything wrong either, one of these complex matters requiring a dissertation length explanation for was sex before marriage at one point in time. You notice the genre of lengthy examinations of why you did it no longer really exists, but if you look at the racier end of women’s publishing in even the early 70s there are pages of it.

                So I wouldn’t say women make these things incredibly complicated entirely through choice alone, but I think they do tend to do it more than men.

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    • Cantagree Says:

      @Jack – That is an ignorant thing to say. The playground is far more ruthless to little girls. Another boy punching or kicking you might put you in the school infirmary but the aggressive psychological / emotional bullying will eventually put a little girl in a casket. Girls are brutal when they use psychological tortures, manipulation, haranguing, putting you down, and making you feel like the worm beneath their shoe. Girls are in absolutely no way sheltered while growing up from each other’s emotional abuse!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

  9. AnonymousDog Says:

    “They’re everywhere”. Meaning available men are everywhere, and it’s the OP’s fault that she is not meeting them.

    This is one of my pet peeves, so far as dating advice goes. Men are often told the same thing, that available women are “everywhere”.

    I don’t know anything about the demographics of the OP’s community, but available men and available women are not distributed evenly over the landscape. There are some places/communities/social milieus where a person will have a more difficult time finding what he/she is looking for because it is just not too much available locally.

    Baseline dating advice should be for a person who is having trouble meeting appropriate potential dates to assess how likely it is he/she to find what he/she is looking for in his/her community/social circle. For some reason, people giving dating advice rarely give this basic factor any consideration.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Meaning available men are everywhere, and it’s the OP’s fault that she is not meeting them.

      It’s not the OP’s fault she’s not meeting them, it’s the OP’s fault that she’s not actually looking for them…

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  10. LostSailor Says:

    to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along…everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive

    Agree with the upthread comments.

    While M is “busy” waiting for a good single guy to come along, she’s not actually looking for a good single guy. It seems like she’s expecting a good single guy to just fall out of the sky while she’s banging married men.

    M is quite obviously choosing men who she knows are unavailable. Behavior tells all. It’s not that she doesn’t know what she wants, because her actions are clearly declaring what she wants, but it’s apparently not acceptable to her friends to actually own her choices.

    No soul-searching needed. The “why don’t single men find me attractive” lament is pure self-delusional BS.

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  11. VJ Says:

    The OP is just looking for the proper ‘challenge’ that will soon lead her from one type of ‘unavailable’ to the ultimate unavailable in her market segment: Gay guys:
    http://www.buzzfeed.com/stacylambe/straight-men-respond-to-gays-threat-to-marry-thei

    But doing this in TX? There’s plenty of single guys wanting to settle down out there. You just want to make it hard on yourself for whatever reason. So go ahead, make their day, Convert the Gays! That’s the ticket! That’ll show everyone what a champ you are. Geez, sound stupid or silly? So’s chasing the marrieds. Just as stupid. Think about it. VJ

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  12. Trix Says:

    Oh man. I have so been that girl. Not so much with the married men, but with the unavailable, men with girlfriends types.

    There have been a lot of decent suggestions*, but one thing that also may be present: If you are banging marrieds, and that available guy comes along, imagine what that looks like. I know that for myself, the people I would want to be in a relationship with would not respect me if I were not willing to respect and value the relationships of others. Also, folks that I like/want/respect would NOT be okay with me throwing other people under the bus in an effort to build up my own self-esteem and justify my own moral ambiguity.

    If you’re cool with fucking marrieds, then okay. Recognize, though, that this is morally ambiguous at best. Are you the lesser of two evils in that duo? Sure. You aren’t breaking any promises or obligations like your naked buddy. You still aren’t respecting the relationship of the other person involved, are actively participating in behaviors that could hurt someone you don’t even know, and in the process, are telling yourself that you must be SOOOOOO special that they have to come to you instead of their pathetic/awful/naggy significant others.

    No. One can expect that those women aren’t really that better or worse than you. It’s not a value judgment, and it’s certainly not a compliment. I agree–these men are attracted to you because you entertain them. I question your self-proclaimed confidence if you feel the need to justify why you just can’t find the right guy, if you cannot recognize the moral ambiguity of your actions, if you cannot see that largely, what you are engaging in is a choice. If you cannot see the latter of those three, especially, I question whether or not you recognize that they are preying on your insecurity, knowing it will take them far with you to flatter you and present you as a better option than their old ball and chain.

    *Minus the dismissal that you are just “looking for drama”–you might be, but also, you are young and entitled to make some mistakes. you are obviously interested in fixing them, otherwise you wouldn’t be asking the questions, right? right. plus, usually this kind of shit is so wrapped up in psychological/emotional business that needs a little perspective and selfawareness to deconstruct. It’s easy to tell other people what are wrong with them, but dismiss the reality that it’s not always easy to see those things in yourself.

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    • JW Says:

      Wise up. My grandmother taught me an early age. MARRIED MEN WILL MOST ALWAYS GO BACK TO THEIR WIVES. THEY WON’T LEAVE THEIR WIVES FOR YOU. I certainly would not want someone who did not want to be with me and especially if they are already unavailable! RESPECT is the key. You deserve better. Being with someone who’s unavailable is a no win situation. Not only are you hurting yourself but also the partner that made a commitment to be with their husband and especially if this man has children. Pray to God to send you a man that is single and seeking to be in a relationship with you.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

  13. Saywhat! Says:

    Okay, sweetie don’t fool yourself. First of all, you’re not all that confident and secure if you can’t hold out for a ‘good single guy’ as you put it. – #1 !!!!

    Second, you’re flippin type attidue and approach will surely dwindle soon as you land that nice ‘good guy’ mark my words, why? because you yourself has become that girl who mane turn to to cheat on and so what you are doing is manifesting yourself to be that girfriend or wife the guy gets sick of becasuse you won’t be able to trust men. You don’t even realize the path you are paving for yourself and it’s sad.

    Third, you come across creepy. Any chick or guy that has to help someone cheat is creepy. Wash your cooch and stop whining.

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  14. Jennifer Says:

    The OP kind of echoes my experience as a low self-esteemed drunk in my early 20s. OP, do you by chance hang out at strip clubs and dive bars? My friends also described me as having a “not giving a fuck attitude”, which was a nice way of calling me a black-out party girl.
    I had relationships with 2 married men that lasted about 2 years a piece. I never expected the guys to leave their wife for me, nor did I want them too. I didn’t think I was good enough for a real relationship in hindsight, but at the time I thought I was a sex dream.
    In order to attract a decent guy you have to get your head straight and it’s going to take more than a few comments on a singles blog.

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  15. 1ce4ueen Says:

    Hi M, I’m in the EXACT same situation as you! And I’m 28 as well. =) While reading your story, I almost thought I have written that myself.

    I’m really surprised by the replies here. Something I should reflect on, whether I’m giving off the wrong vibes.

    Anyway, all the best to us! Hope you’ll find true love soon. =)

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  16. Lele Says:

    M says: “I’m really confident, carefree and give off a kind of “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, this is very attractive and exciting for men who aren’t looking for something serious […]”

    This. You give off the vibe that you are not looking for something serious yourself, hence you attract “like-minded” men.

    M says: “I am a little quirky, have a “strong” personality (I am told) definitely smart and have been told I’m really funny […]”

    When a woman says that she has a “strong personality” and is “smart”, you can bet that the reality is that she would be a pain in the ass in a relationship. Good for some fun between the sheets and nothing else.

    Being in need of a relationship is different than being open to one. It is the former vibe that we guys avoid.

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  17. S Says:

    All these comments are unbelievable. The OP is clearly stating that married men pursue her. Hello?!! The MEN are in the wrong here, not her! I feel like most of the comments in this sorry thread are trying to pin the evils of these men, who need to get married (maybe in order to secure their estate and make sure they leave offspring to further their bloodline or to have someone to ‘make a home warm’ for them) but also simultaneously feel the need to seek out other women. NO! It is not HER fault and this does not happen to her because of anything she has done wrong. Being independent and strong is NOT wrong. Why must a woman be demonised for being strong? For having a character? For being independent? Married and unavailable men are attracted to women like that because they defy the social traps and stereotypes that they themselves have fallen for and unconsciously seek them as keys to a way out… a safety valve. All that the OP has said is real, trust me.

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