- How are you?
- How is your week/day going?
- How are you finding the site?
Then I review their profile, answer their question and ask a question based on their profile to keep the conversation going. I try to make the questions fun and interesting for them to answer.
90% of the time I just get a straight reply with no questions for me included in their message.
Depending on their profile, I either send a reply with a question or stop writing to them.
Occasionally I get an email a few days later saying “I guess your (sic) not interested in me then. It was nice talking to you.”
I also tried to mirror them by sending equally as bland replies like:
- I’m great thank you. How are you?
- My week is going really well. Unusually busy but fun. How’s yours going?
- I haven’t been on this site very long, but so far so good. How are you finding the site?
Half of them will reply and add a similar question, but eventually they fade. The other half just send a reply to my question with no further attempt to keep the conversation going.
I don’t know whether this is just part of the online dating game, or whether I’m doing something wrong. Apart from ignoring generic one-liner emails, is there anything I can do to increase my success rate with these guys.
Here’s my question to: how long between when they message you and when you respond? As I’ve said countless times, gone are the days where it’s acceptable for their to be a lapse of more than a few hours between when initial contact is made and a response is sent. You have to respond as quickly as possible. No conversation on an online dating site should last more than 2 to 3 days max. And even 3 is pushing it. At any given time someone is entertaining more than one option. Like I’ve said before, it moves really fast now.
What’s likely happening is that these men contacting you are contacting multiple women. Think of these one liner messages like a mass text. These men are focusing on the woman who replies first and seems easiest to get offline.
The guys who send you the passive aggressive boo-hoo-y messages whining that you’re not interested should be ignored. They just showed their true colors.
The men who send the random one liners asking how I like the site or how my week is going universally get ignored and deleted unless something about their pictures work for me. Then I read the profile. Then I might reply. That happens almost never. These guys don’t have great social skills or are new to the dating scene. I’m not interested in the training wheelers. Let someone else hold their hand. Basic communication and social skills are a must offline and online. People have to learn how to be engaging.
Responses that don’t encourage further discussion usually – but not always – happen because the other person has read your profile more closely and spotted a deal breaker or read something that made them think you won’t be compatible. They reply to be polite. I wouldn’t respond to those messages. If they’re truly interested, they’ll follow up.
It’s not enough to just ask or answer a question. Now you have to hold their attention and move things along quick enough to not lose them.
Nobody really wants to talk about how their week is going or how they’re enjoying a dating site. People want to be engaged and turned on. If you want to keep someone interested, you have to flirt. That’s why you’re there. When you don’t have the benefit of face to face interaction you have to verbally compensate for that in some way. Such as:
1. Call back something they said in their profile - Find something in their profile that is intriguing and use that as a spring board. Maybe quote something they said and expand on it or tell someone why you agree or disagree. Get them to talk about themselves.
2. Ask specific questions based on their profile – Never ask generalized questions. It’s too easy to offer a vague or cliched response. It’s also really lazy. Ask someone where a certain photo was taken. If they have pics of themselves with a glass of wine, ask them what kind of wine they like best or offer a wine tasting tip.
3. Compliment their looks - Not in your initial email, of course. That comes off weird. If someone contacts you, they’re already showing interest. At that point, an innocent but genuine compliment fits well. Keep it above the neck and avoid anything sexual. For example, saying someone has a nice smile is good. Saying someone has a hot mouth is bad. Telling someone they have nice eyes is good. Saying they have bedroom eyes is bad. Avoid referring to body parts.
4. Convey vulnerability, appreciation and coyness - If someone comments on how great your profile is reply and say, “Aww, thank you. That’s really nice to hear.” You have to do a little eyelash batting. I’m telling you right now, all you gals who think you’re sassiness is a turn on. It’s not. The only guys who will respond to that are door mats.
All of this requires that you pay attention when you read profiles. This goes for men and women. Read the profile twice. Once to ensure that you actually think you and that person will have something in common. Another time to really listen to them and learn about them. Try to pick out something they’re passionate about and talk about that. The first time we read a profile we’re too busy looking for red flags to really pay mind to what someone is saying. That’s why a second look is crucial.
I’m going to make kinda of an odd comparison here. Online dating is sort of like invitro fertilization. Multiple eggs are fertilized but only one or two actually take. Just because someone emails you doesn’t mean they’re going to take. Not every connection we make on any online dating site is going to go beyond one or even two emails. In fact, I’d say a high percentage don’t. Your responses are a thick mix of the people who don’t want to make a lot of effort, flakes and socially awkwards. Only a handful of all of the people you will communicate with will actually be viable. So it’s not just you or necessarily anything you’re doing. You just have to stick with it.