Men You Meet Online – How Do You Keep Them Interested?

Name: Petra
Age: 37
Question: Here’s the typical exchange I’m encountering on dating sites.  A man sends a first message along the lines of:

- How are you?
- How is your week/day going?
- How are you finding the site?

Then I review their profile, answer their question and ask a question based on their profile to keep the conversation going.  I try to make the questions fun and interesting for them to answer.

90% of the time I just get a straight reply with no questions for me included in their message.

Depending on their profile, I either send a reply with a question or stop writing to them.

Occasionally I get an email a few days later saying “I guess your (sic) not interested in me then.  It was nice talking to you.”

I also tried to mirror them by sending equally as bland replies like:

- I’m great thank you.  How are you?
- My week is going really well.  Unusually busy but fun.  How’s yours going?
- I haven’t been on this site very long, but so far so good.  How are you finding the site?

Half of them will reply and add a similar question, but eventually they fade.  The other half just send a reply to my question with no further attempt to keep the conversation going. 

I don’t know whether this is just part of the online dating game, or whether I’m doing something wrong.  Apart from ignoring generic one-liner emails, is there anything I can do to increase my success rate with these guys.


Here’s my question to: how long between when they message you and when you respond? As I’ve said countless times, gone are the days where it’s acceptable for their to be a lapse of more than a few hours between when initial contact is made and a response is sent. You have to respond as quickly as possible. No conversation on an online dating site should last more than 2 to 3 days max. And even 3 is pushing it. At any given time someone is entertaining more than one option. Like I’ve said before, it moves really fast now.

What’s likely happening is that these men contacting you are contacting multiple women. Think of these one liner messages like a mass text.  These men are focusing on the woman who replies first and seems easiest to get offline.

The guys who send you the passive aggressive boo-hoo-y messages whining that you’re not interested should be ignored. They just showed their true colors.

The men who send the random one liners asking how I like the site or how my week is going universally get ignored and deleted unless something about their pictures work for me. Then I read the profile. Then I might reply. That happens almost never. These guys don’t have great social skills or are new to the dating scene. I’m not interested in the training wheelers. Let someone else hold their hand. Basic communication and social skills are a must offline and online. People have to learn how to be engaging.

Responses that don’t encourage further discussion usually – but not always – happen because the other person has read your profile more closely and spotted a deal breaker or read something that made them think you won’t be compatible. They reply to be polite. I wouldn’t respond to those messages.  If they’re truly interested, they’ll follow up.

It’s not enough to just ask or answer a question. Now you have to hold their attention and move things along quick enough to not lose them.

Nobody really wants to talk about how their week is going or how they’re enjoying a dating site. People want to be engaged and turned on. If you want to keep someone interested, you have to flirt. That’s why you’re there. When you don’t have the benefit of face to face interaction you have to verbally compensate for that in some way. Such as:

1. Call back something they said in their profile - Find something in their profile that is intriguing and use that as a spring board. Maybe quote something they said and expand on it or tell someone why you agree or disagree. Get them to talk about themselves.

2. Ask specific questions based on their profile – Never ask generalized questions. It’s too easy to offer a vague or cliched response. It’s also really lazy.  Ask someone where a certain photo was taken. If they have pics of themselves with a glass of wine, ask them what kind of wine they like best or offer a wine tasting tip.

3. Compliment their looks - Not in your  initial email, of course. That comes off weird. If someone contacts you, they’re already showing interest. At that point, an innocent but genuine compliment fits well. Keep it above the neck and avoid anything sexual. For example, saying someone has a nice smile is good. Saying someone has a hot mouth is bad. Telling someone they have nice eyes is good. Saying they have bedroom eyes is bad. Avoid referring to body parts.

4. Convey vulnerability, appreciation and coyness - If someone comments on how great your profile is reply and say, “Aww, thank you. That’s really nice to hear.” You have to do a little eyelash batting. I’m telling you right now, all you gals who think you’re sassiness is a turn on. It’s not. The only guys who will respond to that are door mats.

All of this requires that you pay attention when you read profiles. This goes for men and women. Read the profile twice. Once to ensure that you actually think you and that person will have something in common. Another time to really listen to them and learn about them. Try to pick out something they’re passionate about and talk about that. The first time we read a profile we’re too busy looking for red flags to really pay mind to what someone is saying. That’s why a second look is crucial.

I’m going to make kinda of an odd comparison here. Online dating is sort of like invitro fertilization. Multiple eggs are fertilized but only one or two actually take. Just because someone emails you doesn’t mean they’re going to take. Not every connection we make on any online dating site is going to go beyond one or even two emails. In fact, I’d say a high percentage don’t. Your responses are a thick mix of the people who don’t want to make a lot of effort, flakes and socially awkwards. Only a handful of all of the people you will communicate with will actually be viable. So it’s not just you or necessarily anything you’re doing.  You just have to stick with it.

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36 Responses to “Men You Meet Online – How Do You Keep Them Interested?”

  1. Michael Says:

    Here is the problem, from a man’s point of view, with online dating, and why I don’t do it anymore. No matter WHAT a man writes in an opening e-mail there is nonetheless a grotesquely low response rate. Yes, conventional wisdom says read their profile and make a comment about something in it, however it does not matter you are still going to have to send out literally hundreds of opening e-mails to get just a handful of replies, so that is too time consuming.

    What I found particularly obnoxious is that I really did have a great profile – well crafted and thought out to tell the woman who I was and also had very good photos. So what would be wrong with saying ‘hey, I checked out your profile and find you to be interesting, please check mine out and if you think we’d get along let me know.” However, women would complain about that. This makes no sense to me, because it’s the very POINT of having a profile to tell what you are about – so why do I have to re-construct the wheel in an opening e-mail that has a good chance of not even getting read and will likely not get answered in any event?

    So at one point what I did was literally just cut and pasted my profile in my opening e-mail. That was actually pretty effective – of course this is all a relative term instead of having to send out 200 opening e-mails to get 8 responses I only had to send out 150 – and those that did respond I had a slightly higher success rate of making a date with. Of course, many women complained “is that all you can do cut and paste your profile…”

    So finally what I did, which I think was most clever, was in an opening e-mail would tell a story about a dream I had and ask them what they thought about it. Actually, I would make up a story. This is a good one:

    “I was running across a field and I was about 2 years old. I was wearing red shorts and a white short. All of a sudden I fell down a gofer hole. But I didn’t go straight down I was spinning as if circling a drain. Water started pouring in and just as I was going down my mother reached in and pulled me from the hole. But, she placed me on a wooden sailing ship from the 1800’s, and all of a sudden I was in my 20’s but dressed in the same shorts and shirt. I suddenly realized that I was on a pirate ship. I asked one of the crew where we were but no one would talk to me. All of a sudden the ship was on fire from the rear so I ran forward and the Captain was standing there. I asked him if we were going to die and he said he wish he could help me if only I weren’t dressed like I was. I put my hands in my pocket and there was dirt in them from going down the hole. I pulled the dirt out of my pockets and there were earthworms in the dirt. It was then I woke up.”

    Gentlemen, asking a woman to interpret your dream really gets their juices flowing – feel free to plagiarize. This one is really good, because it has water, fire, movement, grown, young, mom, dirt, unfamiliarity, and insects. They will be hitting you back like no tomorrow, and no matter what they say you can turn it into “ahh, so maybe that’s why I am looking for a girlfriend…” In addition, I found it effective to start out your profile with a little opinion question like:

    “Before I get into my profile I have a question. I have a friend and whenever we go out he wears makeup. He’s not gay actually he acts part time so he’s used to wearing makeup. He’s a good looking guy and it does make him look better. He keeps telling me to do it too but I don’t know. For some reason it seems kind of creepy. So I am curious, suppose you started dating a guy and found out he was wearing makeup – the kind the TV stars use – would you be okay with that or would it creep you out?

    Again guys feel free to plagiarize.

    However, to the point a man must do a “cut and paste.” A dream story or a question is always good, or you can say something that implies you read their profile when you really didn’t like: “hey just read your profile I love the way you express yourself and your photos also project a positive and upbeat vibe – especially in your smile. Would love to meet up sometime if you feel the same way.” Then when they answer your question or give an opinion about your dream say “that’s interesting bla, bla, bla, hey my name is ________ would love to meet up for a drink call me 212-xxx-xxxx or send your # and I’ll call you…”

    That’s it. None of this back and forth bullshit with “hey, how was your weekend…I’m glad your weekend was good so was mine….sooo, where do you work…” Just a little bit of fun, a response, and a “let’s make a date here’s my number…” If they say it’s “too early” just tell them that this is a dating site the whole point of this is to meet someone IRL and if they are too skittish to exchange numbers and meet then online dating is not for them. Either they will agree and set up a date or not.

    Nonetheless, despite the fact that I found a quantum of success in online dating, I still don’t do it because success is a relative turn. I still found it to be too much of a chore and too time consuming for what you get out of it than meeting people the old school way – at parties, events, fundraisers, the supermarket, bars, etc. But if you can’t do that my method will absolutely increase your online success.

    • The D-man Says:

      This is awesome. I’ve been taking a break from online but I might give this a shot after Xmas.

    • benji Says:

      wow, these are pretty good!

    • LostSailor Says:

      Michael, you don’t say whether your little stories actually prompted more responses or more dates. Not something I would try mainly because both seem a little too fake, too canned, and too try-hard.

      It’s not that difficult to scan a profile and find at least one thing to key on for an initial message. I never use canned messages, but I also never send long messages; 3 or 4 sentences tops, keying on her profile and always asking a question.

      I’m certainly no dating machine, but I maybe send out 200 messages in a year, and probably less than that. It varies by season, but I usually get a 20% response rate and maybe half to a third result in meeting for a drink.

      • Michael Says:

        I did say that I had much better results. I also said that “success” was relative. It still pales in comparison with old fashioned get-up-off-your-ass-go-out-and-meet-people. That is why I am no longer on any dating sites. And yes it is too long to scan a profile, read it, and craft a message keying on on the profile. One of the web sites I was on would tell you when a message was read and over half go unread – did you know that? Also, many woman have lame profiles, but when you meet them in person are cool. With my method, I could sent 200 e-mails in an hour and just wait for the return. Sort of like planting a seed or doing marketing really. But I only recommend this for men who are too socially inept to go out, make friends, and meet people because it is in real life social settings a man gets his greatest rate of return.

  2. Howard Says:

    Good stuff Michael, Let me add my two cents worth. And this is for both the ladies and men. I am involved in sales, more soft sell. In relationships, the key is always communication. Later on expectations play front and center in screwing things up. The thrust of today’s conversation hinges around what is happening at the beginning so we won’t go too much into expectations, which is more about what happens later.

    People like to think commonality is the biggest determining factor in making a relationship work, but any veteran in sales will tell you it’s more about the level of communication. I have seen people with very little commonality have great relationships, romantic and otherwise. I have seen people with a lot of commonality fail miserably.

    Let’s start with conversations. There are questions and statements. In great conversations, there are very few questions. And this is really really important. When you are really vibing well with someone. you really don’t feel the need to ask questions and the same for the other person. The person just picks up on what you just said and volunteers what you need to know or you do the same. Secondly, statements should be very pregnant and follow a flow. In sales training, I try to teach people to convey a tremendous number of ideas in one sentence that is as brief as possible. We play this little game in practicing that. There is also following the flow, and creating the opening to get in a statement about some idea(s) you need.brought to the table. That is indeed a fine art;

    Always remember that, there is no question or statement that is really that important that it should seriously disrupt the flow of what is already on the table. When someone puts an idea out there, they are looking for feedback and acknowledgement. Failure to do this, deteriorates the quality of the conversation.

    Bad conversations could follow a few patterns. The first bad one is the inquisition conversation, and these always tend to have one person being the inquisitioner and the other person being the suspect. The second bad one is where both sides keep putting statements out but nobody is really addressing or endorsing what the other person said. Another really bad one is the one-sided conversation. One one-sided conversation is where someone just hogs the talk time as the other person becomes increasingly frustrated form not being able to put their ideas out there. Another one-sided conversation is where one person is really not that interested and are thus not really engaging.

    One type of bad conversation is really prevalent and I want to address it. Men and women do tend to communicate differently. Women are concerned about how they feel or someone else feels. Men tend to go for logic, quoting statistics and well laid out arguments. I suppose it’s why women like gossip and men. baseball or football stats. This typical bad conversation between men and women, is one where that gap is not well bridged. It’s always funny to watch how this plays out with one side dominating the other. This leads to shutdown by the other person, through the exhaustion of being marginalized.

    In terms of expectations, a little I will say. is regarding Moxie advising women to never chat on the phone, just meet. She advises this to tame the beast, “reasons why one shouldn’t meet”. However a big reason for avoiding too much phone talk before meeting, is the creation of too many expectations. I believe phone is fine as long as it’s brief and no more than maybe three times before meeting.

    • Howard Says:

      Here are some more key things to keep in mind.

      Be careful how you put a person on the spot.

      Remember criticism is poison.

      Be careful of contrary statements that produce conflict.

      Avoid testing and deliberately trapping people. Keep enough of an open door, and make them comfortable enough to betray themselves. And when they do, avoid following up. You have all you need. You are not the FBI.

      And finally, always remember that what you say or think you are saying, is not necessarily what the other person hears. The path to hell is truly paved with good intentions. A good guide is to do turn-around, Imagine in your head that what you are about to say, some else says to you. If there is even the slightest discomfort in your head, you can be sure, it will cause more in your audience.

  3. Mark Says:

    As to the generic one liners that guys seem to send – it might be that they are lazy. Very possible. It could also be that they found that response rates to into’s much longer than a few lines went unanswered. So why bother crafting something very specific? So you should hope for something for something just a little more than “How R U” but less than a novel. As to the guys, I would agree that they should put in more than the barest of effort.

    Would agree with most of what Moxie said about the advice and how you might be more engaging, although some qualifiers.

    With respect to time, would stretch it out to a day or two. Since vast majority have mobile devices, it’s relatively easy for quick responses. But replies may be very text like, so don’t expect all that much. So sure they are trying to contact others because of the low response rate. Even if the guy is a little rough around the edges that might actually be a good sign that they are not the pick up artist/ PUA wannabe who have their game stone cold.

    In essence, they should be made to feel comfortable contacting you and vice versa and holding a little dialog with the notion of setting up an initial meet relatively quickly. If it comes across as too passive then don’t be surprised it they fade away into the ether. Interest should convey interest, from both sides of the isle.

  4. Andrew Says:

    All I can say from my own experience is that I’ve had a lot more success sending
    an opening email that reads something along the lines of:
    “Hey- I liked your profile, I think we’d have a lot in common, especially
    XYZ. Would you like to meet for a drink sometime?”
    Than asking a specific questions about a woman’s profile. I’d say the
    success rate on asking a woman out right away vs. asking questions, then
    waiting till email # 3 was 1 in 8 or 10 vs 1 in 25 -30.

    My point. Sometimes less is more and it’s better to just get to the
    point and ask the woman out rather than beat around the bush
    With questions about her photos white water rafting or in front of
    the great pyramids.

  5. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    Re: asking a woman to interpret your dream/what her opinions are on men wearing make up.

    Here’s a newsflash: women LOVE offering opinions on situations where they have no personal investment whatsoever. Take the comments of this blog, for example. They love the idea that someone wants to hear their usually skiewed or biased opinion. If you use this approach, what will end up happening is that you’ll get a number of women to respond and 99% of them will bail the minute you try to ask them out or take things to a flirty level. It’s a huge waste of time.

    I would immediately block anybody who wrote me something like that or who posed some innocuous question in their profile. Acting as though you’re judging your guy friend makes you sound bitchy and feminine. As does weaving some weird and boring tale about some puzzling dream. It comes off as faked and staged. The women you want will ignore you. The women you don’t want will respond.

    • K Says:

      I guess there’s something to putting a ridiculous teaser of some sort in your profile to make it easy for women to respond to you, but all of those examples make you sound really weird and would attract a certain segment of the female population that’s undesirable.

      If you’re messaging the right audience, as has been said here countless times, even just a wink will get you a response. If your photos don’t look good to her or you have red flags in your profile, I don’t think it matters how well crafted your message is, honestly. If she’s attracted to you and your profile, she’ll respond to just a wink. Or, a short polite message like Andrew wrote, maybe leaving out the drink invitation until the next round of emails.

      A good approach to me would seem to be to cast a wide “wink net” to a reasonable audience of women. That’s what my guy did on Match and I replied because I thought he was cute and he didn’t have any weird stuff in his profile. We were each other’s reasonable audience, so it worked.

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        In principle I totally agree with this, but I would probably do a little more than wink. Type out hello and “I like your profile” just to show a modicum of effort. (Women can wink though). If the person doesn’t respond to your succinct hello, they either aren’t interested or too much work (ie aren’t interested “enough”). Move on to someone who is.

      • Andrew Says:

        Totally agree about messaging the right audience. A lot of guys tend to firebomb, sending out way too many emails to the women with the hottest pictures rather than reading and trying to find common ground. For example, I love going out and watching sports, especially NFL football. If a woman mentions this in her profile or has pictures indicating this interest, I’ much more likely to email her than someone who’s say an artsy type. It’s all about probability. As for winking, my experience is that his rarely if ever works for men. Again, this is just from my own experience.

    • Michael Says:

      To YOU Andthatswhyyouresingle – and that’s why you’re single :) Really though what you expressed just proved my point. I am polarizing – in my words, personality and actions I am a polarizing person. My comments get more “thumbs down” than “thumbs up.” But you know what, I don’t care. This is because in dating it does not matter whom or how many women or people I turn off, just that I turn enough on. Here in NYC the place is packed with eligible single women. Suppose I work a crowd at a party with my polarizing, sarcastic sense of humor that most women find obnoxious. So what? Had I “toned it down” I would have likely wasted time with polite conversation with many of them, wasted time, and gotten nowhere. I am looking for that 1 gal in the crowd that finds me and my humor interesting, engaging, and simply amazing. My personality is such that it enables me to cut through a crowd with cat like reflexes to quickly disqualify those would have no interest in me to strike up a conversation with the ones that do.

      Now you say women LOVE offering opinions, bla, bla, bla… and then tell me because of this I should NOT engage in conduct that would get a woman to converse with me. Do you know how dumb that sounds? I’m doing something women LOVE to engage in, but yet I should not do it – and why, because they will “bail” when I ask them for a date. You state that as if I did not know that. As I said, in using these techniques I was more successful, but success is a relative term. It was still not worth my time, overarchingly, to spend it online dating. However, the method I developed was the MOST EFFECTIVE for doing it online. And when a woman did go out with you it created a false sense of familiarity with you, because you two actually had conversations. So that greatly increased the odds of subsequent intimacy and even if not just a more fun time out.

      You also say that I sound judgmental about the make up hypothetical. It wasn’t it was a fun, flirtatious, and light hearted query. However I’m curious if you would feel the same way if the question was:

      “Hey, before I get into my profile I have a question – actually it’s been a raging debate between me and some of the friends I play poker with – is kissing cheating? I’d really like to know your opinion from a woman’s point of view…” or how about:

      “Hey, before I get into my profile I have a question. I went to a birthday party for a friend and a conversation broke out about his “sign.” a friend of his knew a lot about signs and she really called my personality to a tee based on my sign – it was freaky. So I have started reading about astrology and zodiac signs but when I do I can sort of see my personality in a lot of the signs. So I’m curious, what do you think about the signs shaping a person’s personality? Would you ever not date someone based on their sign?”

      The above are 2 clearly non-judgmental, fun, debatable, and engaging queries. Would you “block” someone with one of these queries also?

      Lastly, what you also miss about online dating from a man’s perspective is that it pays to just be different. I mean, these women get hundreds of e-mails that say “hi,” “you have beautiful eyes,” but then you get to mine and it says “so I had this crazy dream last night and I can’t figure out what it means…” Then when they hit your profile instead of seeing “I love to laugh…looking for a LTR…sushi is my favorite food….I love the outdoors….bla, bla, bla,…” they see “hey, before I get into my profile I have a question…” Freaken “A” baby, if that does not do it for a woman looking for love online, nothing will :)

      • John Says:

        “Lastly, what you also miss about online dating from a man’s perspective is that it pays to just be different. I mean, these women get hundreds of e-mails that say “hi,” “you have beautiful eyes,” but then you get to mine and it says “so I had this crazy dream last night and I can’t figure out what it means…” ”

        I have to agree with Michael on this one. Being different certainly makes a difference. The dream sequence should be a little shorter and less confusing though. But the bottom line is that if it works it works. Michael seems pretty opinionated in his posts. And if he is convinced that this style works on a certain percentage of women, then I tend to believe him. As for atttracting the right or wrong kind of woman, only he knows that. But I have used clever emails and I have used more generic ones myself and the type of woman I attracted was hit and miss in both cases.

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        I’d block anyone who uses schtick because that means they had to resort to that to get attention. Which means nobody else wanted them. Which means there is probably some critical personality flaws that made that person seem off.

        To me, you come off boorish, pedestrian, obnoxious and lacking in self-awareness. You’re entertaining in the way a car crash is entertaining. I’m sure you get attention and responses, but I’m also quite positive you get dumped and blown off on the regs. Reading your comments is an effort. I can’t imagine having to interact with you. Maybe you don’t care. In which case, yay you. But I think most men should take you as a cautionary tale. You’re that guy who thinks he’s way more successful with women than he actually is, that women laugh at behind their backs.

        • Michael Says:

          Oh, and it’s not “schtick…to get attention…” it’s an invitation to engage in a fun, light hearted conversation which, last time I checked, dating was supposed to be fun and light hearted. As for “getting attention,” that is the express purpose of being on a dating web site – to get attention. Why else would a man be there? Why do you find using a dating web site for its express purpose troubling?

          • Mandy Says:

            Some people (men and women) use dating sites to meet someone they actually like as a person, and potentially want to get to know and have a long relationship with.

            If all you’re looking for is quantity over quality (and I don’t just mean looks, etc. I mean a quality girl you’d actually want to spend a lot of time with over a long period of time), and some fun conversation and attention, then what you’re doing is fine if it works for you.

            • hammersandnails Says:

              That is an absurd false dichotomy. You are not a special snowflake. You are not better than “those” women. The reason this would not “work” on you is not because you are a quality woman. If you don’t like it, that’s fine, but stop the bs. Just because it’s not your style does not make you better than.

              • Michael Says:

                There are plenty of things that I have said here that are “attack worthy,” but I don’t think Mandy’s comment was Hammerandnails. However, I think she misses the point. First off, to get to quality you have to plow through quantity. Second, in the dating world there is no real lack of quality. There are a lot of quality out there in both sexes. The problem is not a non-quality woman, but someone that is not right for you. For example, Ms. “Andthatswhyyouresingle” has accused me of being “boorish, pedestrian, obnoxious and lacking in self-awareness,” and she could not even “imagine having to interact with [me]…” This is not a reflection on me or whether or not I am a quality man. However, in her eyes I am not quality. But it is this lack of perceived quality on her part that makes me a quality man to the type of women that I am attracted to. So in a way we are all “special snowflakes,” just what makes us “special” there are thousands upon thousands of people out there that find it obnoxious and disqualifying.

              • The D-man Says:

                Exactly. Women love to think stuff from The Game won’t work on them despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Then they go back to watching The Secret and try to “manifest” what they want.

                I had lunch with an ex today. She’s got two guys chasing her. One is incredibly charismatic but wasn’t born that way. He spent the last 10 years learning to be that way (he freely admits this to her). She’s crazy for him even though he lives across the country. The other is a guy she dated for a while and really liked, but now he’s putting her on a pedestal. She’s losing interest.

                My point: there are specific behaviors that men can adopt to be attractive, but there are also specific “hacks” like the dream email that will open the door. It only opens the door, but if you have tight game that’s all you need.

                Online dating is marketing. Marketing is a science.

                • Howard Says:

                  Let me jump into this over-long tangent Michael created. His dream bit is not necessarily my style, but it would actually work. It will definitely not work on some women, but it doesn’t matter. Men face extremely low response rates for online dating. So anything that improves those low rates represents brilliance. And to be honest, many women who claim it will not work on them are just saying this to prove they are immune to story telling.

                  And I don’t, for one min, believe his dream weaving, only brings in one type of woman. Story telling is an art and humans tend to be captivated by it. Its why Stephen Spielberg is a genius. He is a great storyteller. He can take any topic and tell it in such a way that absorbs and fascinates us.

                  You can be darn sure, I weave my own stories as I have conversations. I balk at making stuff up when I have enough rich material from my own experiences. The trick anyway is in the telling of the story rather than just the story itself. Though this list is by no means complete, the following apply: .

                  1. Just the right pauses.
                  2. Just the right anticipation.
                  3. The creation of a dramatic ending or punch line and following through with the timely delivery after the build.
                  4. Leaving the audience hanging sometime. The story where the end is not delivered.
                  5. Right facial expression, varying at times. This is indeed powerful. And the interesting thing is that even bizarre and untimely expressions work. So freely experiment.
                  6. Right voice tone, even varying voice tone at times.
                  7. Use of humor
                  8. Involving a wide variety of images that trigger intense emotions in people.
                  9. Touching a person, hand, shoulder, back etc
                  10. Using the eyes, engaging or directing the person eyes. The movie director and cameratography team use the lens and we know the effect of that as in Avatar, or Schindler’s list or even the zany Woody Allen movies.

          • LaMotta Says:

            I agree that your approach seems contrived, sorry. Like a “schtick”.

            What happened to at least *skimming* profiles and finding at least one thing to comment on?

            This may frustrate your goal of sending out “200” emails but in the end if the message is actually personalized you may only need like 10 (that is my experience).

            I agree that offline is vastly more effect (if you’re not socially inept) but you might get better results online if you made at least a token effort to personalize the communications.

            • LostSailor Says:


              I work offline and online. It’s about 50/50 for first date drinks. But I’ve never found online that onerous. I’ve tried to craft my online profile to be different, a little snarky,, and slightly whimsical. (Moxie’s seen it and should feel free to chime in).

              I’m sure it’s not for everyone, but it seems to work for me. I’ve never had to send out mass emails to get responses or dates.

              I don’t do schtick.

              • Michael Says:

                If what you are saying is true then you are at one end of the bell curve. Keep it up. And I’ll keep up “schtick,” although it is not really schtick just being engaging and fun.

            • Michael Says:

              LaMatta, before I devised my method, don’t you think I did that? I mean, taken at face value, it makes perfect sense read the profile and only send an e-mail to women that seem like they have something in common with you. But in practicality it does not work. My method works. Men don’t realize that OVER HALF of the e-mails you send never even get read. I was on a dating site can’t recall the name but you could look at your old sent message and see if they were read and over half are never even read. I would see that the woman was online days later and was still not reading my e-mail. A few times I sent a second one telling her that I send one days ago that she did not read and I got responses back from those – and what they said was that they get literally hundreds of e-mails a day so it gets buried and they never see it. Men-o-andthatswhyyouresingle, try my method you’ll have online success like you have never seen before!

  6. Michael Says:

    “To me, you come off boorish, pedestrian, obnoxious and lacking in self-awareness”
    I never said I did not to many women

    “I’m also quite positive you get dumped and blown off on the regs”
    I don’t know what “regs” means but yup I do get dumped and blown off – and just move on to the next one

    ” I can’t imagine having to interact with you”
    EXACTLY. You are the kind of woman that I would want to quickly screen out at a party because talking to each other would be a waste of our time.

    “You’re that guy…that women laugh at behind their backs.”
    This is more a reflection of them than me, as I don’t even give a second thought to women who are uninterested in me. So, while you are laughing at me behind my back – home alone because you can’t find a man or with your friends drinking cosmos, I am having a fun time with the woman that I had met at the party whereby I screened through you, not having a clue as to what you think about me and, if I did, really not caring in any event.

  7. D. Says:

    Two things.

    1.) Why is the OP responding to guys who send “Hey. How is your weekend going?” as an email? Is nobody sending anything better? If the OP wants something better, hold out for better (but accept the notion that you may be holding out for quite a while). Some guys do send longer emails that show they actually paid attention to your profile. Most guys don’t (or at least, so I’m told by my female friends who’ve done online dating). That said, if you want to know how to keep a guy who gives you “Hey, how are you?” engaged, just flirt with him about sex. I tend to think that guys who are just carpet bombing the internet with emails saying “Hi, how are you?” aren’t really paying attention to your profile description and are probably more interested in the pics…and that’s about it. It really doesn’t take a ton of effort to send even a one-line email referencing something interesting in a girl’s profile (assuming she’s put something interesting in there).

    So, you want to keep a guy like that interested? Respond with what he’s interested in: your sex appeal. Play that up, and Mr. “How is your weekend?” will probably stick around longer. Granted, you may not WANT that kind of attention, but if all he’s doing is firing off one-line emails, do you think he’s really looking for a serious long-term relationship based on communication, shared ideals, and mutual respect? So, if you’re gonna respond and try to keep him interested, fine, but recognize what you’re getting into. If that’s what you want, though, then yeah, play up the sex appeal.

    2.) Maybe the issue is that your profile reads as generic. Assuming these guys are reading the profile at all, maybe there’s nothing much in it that stands out as all that interesting, or what you’re saying isn’t phrased in an interesting way. A year or two ago, a friend of mine was getting onto OKCupid and writing her profile. She had me look at it for a guy’s perspective. OKCupid has a section where you can list things you’re good at. In that section, among a few other bland things, she’d put down “Cooking and baking.” I challenged her on this. She said “What!? I’m good at cooking!!” I told her I didn’t disagree. I’d eaten her cooking, and it was awesome. But her profile was boring and generic. I said, if she was trying to get a guy to write her a detailed email, she should give him something to work with. What’s a guy going to do with info like that? At best, she’d get “So, you like cooking? That’s good cuz I like eating. haha” You give people boring info, you’ll get boring replies. Instead, I told her to be a bit more specific. She makes kickass stromboli. I told her to mention that specifically. After she changed it, she started getting messages from guys specifically referencing the stromboli bit.

    Putting stuff like that in your profile both distinguishes you from the carbon-copy profiles out there (“I’m equally comfortable in a cocktail dress or jeans.” YAWN), and does some of the work for the guy who’s contacting you. Pepper your profile with a few of those things in different areas — specifics that are interesting and unique to you — and it gives the guy something to talk about in an email, assuming he wants to talk at all. Plus, it helps you instantly spot the guys who are paying attention from the guys who are carpet-bombing. If a guy can’t be bothered to write even a one-line message about whatever specific thing you put in (e.g. “So what’s the secret to making kickass stromboli, as opposed to the normal non-kickass variety?”) and is just saying “How are you finding the site?”, then you know he’s not really interested in reading your profile. If you don’t care and you find him cute, great, flirt about sex and he’ll stick around. If you do care, great, you can delete his email and skip to the next thrilling conversationalist.

  8. John Says:

    Michael has been blowing up the commentary section on this blog the past couple of weeks. Gonna have to change the name of the site to “AndThatsWhyYourMichael” if this keeps up.

    Anyway to the OP, have you tried sending out an engaging email FIRST to the guy? If you initiate first that may prompt a more lively email exchange. He may be sending out dozens of generic emails but he probably is getting only a small handful of ladies that engage him first. Its worth a try.

    • Michael Says:

      LOL!!!! And I really don’t know why I am even here. She “Andthatswhyyouresingle” chick says that I am like watching a car wreck – maybe reading this blog to me is like watching a train wreck :) In any event, I am sure that I will one day be gone just as quickly as I arrived. That’s just my style ;)

  9. krismae Says:

    What’s the sort of thing men find engaging in an email (besides something overtly sexual)? Now that I know how to keep all the ladies engaged….

    • Michael Says:

      It’s simple – have a profile that is more like a brochure of your life than what activities you like to do. For example, instead of “I have a sense of humor,” say ” I am not offended by a dirty joke and can dish out one of my own.” Second, read their profile. If you are interested in them, simply state:

      “Hi. Read your profile you sound interesting. Would like to meet for a drink. Check my profile out and if you feel the same way get in touch. My number is “X,” or if you prefer send me your number and I’ll contact you.”

      That’s it. All we are here for is to get a date not engage in endless back and forth. Then, you chat it up a little on the phone and if there is no creepy factor you make a date to meet in a public place. That’s it. Online is just an introductory venue.

      • Matt Says:

        For example, instead of “I have a sense of humor,” say ” I am not offended by a dirty joke and can dish out one of my own.”

        You’ve got to be careful with that sort of thing. When I was on OKC, people advising me suggested I demonstrate my sense of humor in the profile. “Uh, that’s not a good idea, as my sense of humor is often labeled as odd, awkward, or off-putting.” But they insisted, so I did, and then when they were critiquing my profile later, they were “This is a terrible profile.”

      • krismae Says:

        I am all for not extending the email conversation past a couple back-and-forths, but I’m not going to send out my phone number to a person of whom I don’t even have a first name, and say we should meet. I think there is some value in determining if there’s even a little interest there. I have definitely had one or two brief conversations over email where the guy was being difficult or combative, and I just knew I didn’t want to have anything to do with that. I’m sure guys have done that with me, too.

        Sorry, not to ask for advice, and shoot it down. And I agree that the engaging profile is important. But I’m sure there’s some things that will keep men engaged in a short email conversation, and things that will either bore them or turn them off in an email that I just don’t have insight to.

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