Does She Want Love or Security? (The Ballad of The 40+ Single Woman)

Name: Maria
Age: 40
State: WA
Question: Earlier this year, an Asian American actress sued imdb over revealing her age as 40 online. She had been selling herself as 26-32 years old and stopped getting work after the imdb fiasco.

You have mentioned that no one looks 10 years younger and are deluded if they think so. I too, am skeptical of women who claim to “get hit on by younger men”.

I am mixed race/part Asian and did win the genetic lottery: very young looking for 40 and I use to be a model. I am in perfect shape an overall close to a solid 8/9 ( I would rank myself higher in looks than the actress mentioned here). And also, to be honest I’ve had some plastic surgery that has added to preserving my youthful looks (most people in the business do). I know I can pass for 30 because people who sell me insurance or have no vested interest in trying to sleep with me assume that to be closer to my age.

A few years ago,I was in a relationship in which we planned to have children. The timing was bad, so we decided to freeze my eggs and also some embryos. Unfortunately we broke up last year.

I started online dating a few months ago and initially used my real age. So-so results. I changed my age to 32 and it worked like a charm. My target age range is 35-43. I am getting dates with the younger men and they are continuing to pursue me. A few times I reveal my age with mixed results. Some bail. Some stayed.

Here’s my question: I have money and can afford all the ivf treatments to have my own biological children using my frozen eggs. I fall into a very small segment of the population that can realistically pass for a decade younger. ( this is possible if you are Asian).
Is it such a crime to lie about my age by 8 years online?

I am sitting on the cutting edge of science. To me, this is the only thing that levels the playing field for aging women.  I’m not trying to land the hottest, most successful hunk. Just a regular good looking guy with a solid job who is still on the younger side.

Thanks for your advice.

I too, am skeptical of women who claim to “get hit on by younger men”.

Except you, of course. The other women who says stuff like that are crazy, amirite?

Do I think it’s a crime to lie about your age by 8 years? No. I just don’t think it will be productive for you. One or two years wouldn’t bother me. Eight years? That just makes you look sad and delusional. It’s not the dishonesty that would bother me. A revelation like that would literally make me cringe inside for you out of discomfort and embarrassment.

Of course the younger dudes that stuck around after The Big Reveal still pursue you. They think you’re sad and insecure and possibly a little crazy aka an easy target. They will take advantage of your indiscretion and use it to their advantage. That is, until they meet a woman who doesn’t lie about her age that much or is actually 32 years old. Because those are the women they want.

If you just wanted a baby, you could do that. You’re right. Science has made some amazing advancements that have helped reproductively challenged women and couples. You have the eggs. Now go get the sperm from a bank and go through with the procedure. That is, if what you really want is a baby. Personally, I think that’s crap. I think you want security.

Here’s what I hear when I read your letter. I hear a woman who isn’t sure how she’s going to take care of herself now that she’s no longer young and fresh. You had a career as a “model” at one point, but we all know that that industry favors youth. Which means you’re probably not getting as much work anymore if you’re still modeling. So now you’re having a, “Now what?” moment. The baby is more a way to land and keep the man/his paycheck. I know. I’m awful. The way you discuss your reproductive choices lacks the warmth and nurturing one typically hears when a woman laments the possibility that she might not have children. It all sounds like a means to an end for you. That reason alone is what will prevent men from wanting to make a baby with you.

I think by lying about your age that much you’re actually going to make what is already a difficult situation more dire. You’ll come off unstable in some way. No guy wants to have a baby with a woman they perceive as unstable. You will constantly be starting over with a new guy hoping this one will stick around. Maria, none of them will stick around. You want a man who might stay put? Go for the guys in their late forties to early fifties. You’re 40 and pursuing men who, sorry, simply don’t have to settle for you. They’ll date you and have sex with you, but they aren’t going to lock themselves into anything with you no matter how young you think you look. That doesn’t matter. What matters is how old you are. So learn to embrace your age and accept your situation instead of wasting more time swimming against the tide.

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89 Responses to “Does She Want Love or Security? (The Ballad of The 40+ Single Woman)”

  1. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    Next time someone writes or brags about how they look ’10 years younger’ should be required to post a photo so WE can be the judge.

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  2. Marshmallow Says:

    Well the reason everyone thinks they look young for their age is because of the older people who claim to be their age. Lying about it gets you nowhere because if someone really wants to date someone in their 20s and 30s their are plenty of women really that age. Embrace who you are.

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    • Joey Giraud Says:

      Ever see a high school graduation photo from the 50′s? Those 17 and 18 years olds looked like 30-somethings do today. Life has gotten easier and so people’s appearance doesn’t age as quickly as it used to.

      We’re judging our appearance on outdated standards.

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  3. The D-man Says:

    It’s nice that OP wants to have kids, but she should know that research shows kids don’t make you happier, and in the early years your overall happiness even dips below average. Probably even more so if you have to con a guy into giving you a baby.

    Since she’s part Asian, why not adopt an Asian child?

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  4. Speedy Says:

    This is very unhealthy and a bit crazy.

    If what you say is true, you should be able to do OK without it anyway.

    You’re doing something bad to yourself and it makes no sense. The gain really isn’t worth the cost.

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  5. LostSailor Says:

    If you lie about your age in order to get what you want, what other important matter will you lie to a man about? The “cutting edge of science” doesn’t level the playing field for aging women, it’s just another weapon to use against a man. You’re looking for someone to support you and your spawn. Whose sperm will you use? Your younger mark’s gentleman’s?

    Why should any man trust you not to dump him a couple of years down the road once you’ve spent all your money on IVF treatments, taking over half his assets and estranging him from his children?

    Sorry, Maria. You’re a poor bet for any man…

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  6. peppermint Says:

    How would you feel, Maria, if one of the guys you targeted specifically for being in the age range of 35 – 43 was actually 51 and not 43 like he said. Would you be okay with that?

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    • Maria Says:

      If a guy was 51, in good shape and could pass for 43. I would be ok with it.

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      • Joey Giraud Says:

        Thumbs up to your answer. Honest and direct.

        If you’ve been in the modeling business then you’re probably inured to lying about age. It’s a part of the biz. Marketing.

        People who aren’t used to it won’t deal so well.

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  7. Howard Says:

    I actually believe her. There are people that actually look 10 to 20 years younger than their age peers. I always find it disconcerting, how antagonistic people get towards people who look much younger than them. So of course we see all the typical noise regarding her statements about looking younger.

    The issue at hand, however, is not really about what she looks like. The issue at hand is finding out what she really wants. and putting together a plan to get that. Let’s look at her key statement. “I’m not trying to land the hottest, most successful hunk. Just a regular good looking guy with a solid job who is still on the younger side.”

    Well it doesn’t matter what you do, he will eventually find out your age. The regular thirty something guy who genuinely likes slightly older women for commitment, don’t care that you are 40. he is going to find out anyway. If you want to list yourself in your thirties still, fine 38 is acceptable, 32 may be pushing it too far.

    You really have a smaller target market than let’s say someone looking for a guy older than her. So you will get less messages online. You have to accept that reality of the smaller target market. If you have a PHD you have a smaller possible job market than if you just have a bachelors degree. Yes, you are in a position to get better jobs but fewer possibilities. Why waste time bringing in guys that really don’t want to be with a slightly older woman? Online dating is supposed to help you separate the wheat from the chaff; use its power.

    My advice to you is not to allow your advantages to become something that holds you back.

    The higher we fly, the less birds we see, up there with us..

    Listing as thirty two when you are forty is listing yourself 20% younger. That is like the 60 year old guy listing as 48. I actually believe that older people can probably do larger age differences. However the 30 something crew is not necessarily looking to do large age differences. And when one is around 21, even three years younger is too much.

    I am in that position where people often think I am younger. I dance and have known people for years who kept thinking that. Upon finding out, some even disbelieve me. I show them my license and they see the worn edges, so they know it’s not a fake, but they still keep looking at it like it’s a fake. I tell them, I look exactly like my age; it’s just that people have a distorted idea of what my age should look like.

    I like women closer to my age, and have to deal with the issues that brings. I don’t make it a problem. If a woman feels insecure re. the way I look, and demonstrates that, then she saves me time. My target market of course gets limited by all this, but I don’t mind. I call it the price of successfully taking care of myself. And if I had liked younger women, my market there too would have been limited. We would all like to have endless possibilities, but most of us have something about us that limits us. Some it’s weight, some it’s height or homeliness or ethnicity or income or education or a long list of things that ensure that some people we desire, never ever want us.

    To the OP, if you look that good, you are extremely lucky. Don’t complain about it. Find ways to use it to your advantage.

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  8. D. Says:

    As a guy who’s in his mid 30s, and looking to settle down and start a family, I can tell you that if someone I was dating lied to me about their age, particularly to the tune of almost a decade, I would dump them. Partially because I’m looking for someone closer to my own age, but particularly because they lied to me.

    Look, if you’re just trying to find yourself a date and have some casual fun, go ahead and lie. Some guys won’t care. Hell, they may dig the notion of bedding an “older woman.” I’m sure you can find plenty of 26-year-olds who’ll take you up on that offer.

    But you make it sound as if you want a family and a long-term relationship, where trust is absolutely essential. Right off the bat, you give them reason not to trust you. You want a father for your unborn kids, so you’re gonna lie to them at the start? You REALLY think that’s a good way to start something serious with a potential life partner?

    “Well, the right guy will love me for who I am, not how old I am.”

    Exactly. Which is why you should be honest about it up front. The right guy won’t CARE that you’re 40. It won’t faze him a bit, if you’re honest about it. But the right guy will likely care quite a bit that you lied to him about being 32, and may very well walk away because of it. I sure would.

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    • coptic777 Says:

      D she is not looking for a life partner she is looking for a man w/ assets so she can divorce him or just collect a child support check period. This is why I do not take women seriously especially ones in their 30′-40′s they are delusional. The problem is the laws promote & back her 100% if she was to find a sucker to marry her or get her pregnant. Hell in states like CA she can get preggers by the bad boy & if she can convince the responsible beta male who makes a good living its his & signs the birth certificate he is still forced to pay child support even if he finds out later its not his w/ a DNA test in court. Thats what she is really looking for

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  9. SwimmerChix Says:

    I look 10 years younger too!!! And had kids late in life, so with my 12 and 14 year old…sitting just south of 50 everyone assumes i’m younger. And funny thing is, I don’t lie about my age….and men STILL pay attention. When people comment about my age / looks, I attribute it to healthy lifestyle and exercise….. I agree with all of the comments above about lying…and actually find that people respect me MORE for telling the truth. But hey, I’m in biz for myself and consult for a living, so trust is a major factor in how I sell myself (professsionally) to the world. Why bother lying? They’re gonna find out anyway, and think you’re a rat. I’ll let you in on a secret…they might even respect you MORE for telling the truth.

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  10. joe-f Says:

    My advice is don’t lie. I think guys are more analytical than women and we won’t stay with you because it is a great relationship and we will overlook eight years. Even the ones who stayed, something inside of them has changed. They maybe just hanging on until they find someone better.

    I believe you have to give up more. A “just a regular good looking guy with a solid job who is still on the younger side,” in the mid thirties has a lot of options. I won’t be as negative as moxie but your chances of landing one and keeping seem small despite your looks. Look at your results after posting your real age and photo. They see how young you look but they don’t care enough to respond. So will you settle for the not so good looking guy or one without a solid job? You are going to make sacrifices: the longer you wait, the more sacrifices you have to make.

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  11. krismae Says:

    EMK recommends if you need to lie about your age to get in the search results you desire online then you should state your real age in your profile. That way, if someone has a serious issue with dating someone older, then you won’t be wasting anyone’s time. I’m not sure how successful that recommendation is. But also, what’s wrong with guys in their 40s?

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    • Trisha Says:

      The problem isn’t the men in their forties. The problem is that they set their search criteria to 33-38. I am 48, look much younger (Sorry Moxie but I do) but can’t bring myself to lie about my age, thus I don’t show up in my men’s age group’s results.

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        You showed me your okcupid profile. No, you don’t look “much’ younger. You look to be in your early to mid forties. Bragging that you look 5 years younger than you actually are is just an exercise in vanity.

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        • coptic777 Says:

          Moxie I am willing to bet it’s her. I am 35 not bad looking, self employed & I would try to date women like her in their 40′s & the key word again is delusional. When I was younger I mostly dated older women since I had more in common w/ them when it came to intellectual conversations etc. now they seem very jaded. Also lets talk about menopause. Women who are almost 40 & beyond suffer from this & I have seen SO many examples of this in my trying to date them that I think its a lost cause other than quick sex. It’s amazing to see most of them 40 plus actually say they want to have children??? I was on a date w/ a 42 yr old woman a few months ago w/ all kinds of baggage w/ baby rabies. I was thinking “seriously?”. Of coarse she had high standards like she was 22 & not 42. I strongly suspect that is what’s going on here.w/ Trisha. Trust me I could date her show all kinds of chivalry, laugh w/ her listen to her concerns & it would most likely end w/ a text from her after the date saying “You seem like a nice guy but…” while I am driving to the local bar to pick up on 23-29 yr old women who if I try hard have a reasonable shot of taking one home. What do you think most men are going to do?

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      • John Says:

        Trisha- Cant say I agree. I am an average guy who is 45 and I set my search criteria for 40-50. What makes you think that guys arent searching in that range? Is it because you are only getting 8 emails a day instead of 20 like when you said you were in your 30s? Its all about your ego. If I am an average mid 40s dude searching 40-50 then I am sure there are many others too. If they arent contacting you then something in your profile is turning them off.

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      • mindstar Says:

        What prevents you from sending Emails to the men in the age range you want? This insistence by some women that they have to lie about their age to show up in men’s searches is ridiculous. If the men aren’t emailing you then email them. How hard is that? At worst they ignore you and best they ask you out. Why look for drama when its not necessary?

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  12. chillybeans Says:

    You may “look” 30, but your uterus is still 40……..

    And women your age (40+) have an IVF success rate of 6-10% per cycle (good thing you have ALL THAT MONEY!) you will need it for several cycles. And should you be fortunate enough to get pregnant, miscarriage rates for a woman your age is about 30%. Yes, I know, your eggs are young, and you are in such wonderful young shape winning the genetic lottery and all, but here’s the thing-that doesn’t guarantee you a healthy baby. And should you have a baby at 42, 43 etc, understand you will have a kid in college when you are in your 60s.
    I don’t think a family is what you really want anyway, you want some kind of “hey it’s ok for you to lie to get what you want because you are such a special snowflake!” approval.
    You are the female equivalent of the men who think they look/act younger and are in such good shape they can get the younger women, and they have $$ too. Except you lie about your age and they don’t have to.

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    • Maria Says:

      I have frozen eggs from when I was 32, so this is different than trying IVF at 40. My chance of success would be similar to when I was 32, not 40.

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      • chillybeans Says:

        I have been pregnant 3 times (2 healthy babies, and one miscarriage in my 30s) but hey what do I know? My point is that it’s not just getting pregnant but carrying a healthy baby to term.
        Your uterus, cervix etc 40+ and that will affect your chance of success, which is also lower because you are using frozen instead of fresh eggs.
        I haven’t personally gone through IVF but have seen how hard it has been for friends/family that have. All of this is beside the point, I don’t think you want kids. The couples that I know that have done IVF desperately wanted children and wanted them for years. If you are 40 and still ambivalent, it’s not a good sign.

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        • Joey Giraud Says:

          Not to mention chasing the rats around, a tiring business for an older adult.

          I waited until I was 36, and I wish it would have happened earlier. Have to get my rest and keep in shape to carry a boy on my back.

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  13. Rosie Says:

    Relationships are all about building trust. Deceiving someone to make them believe you are 10 years younger to get a date will only undermine your attempts to establish a real relationship. Rethink your approach to your dating strategy.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Rose–very well said…simple and to the point. There is absolutely nowhere to go – from deception. Regardless if it is about age, occupation, race, or goals. Be proud of who you are, how old you are, and what you do and where you are in life. Self-acceptance is the foundation to finding someone who will accept you – as you are!

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  14. L. Says:

    Moxie is absolutely right. This boils down to insecurity on the part of the OP. Why does she feel the need to pursue younger men? And how long will it take her to learn that younger men will only eventually turn around and pursue women their own age or younger (after they use her for sex)?

    Look, if your objective is to have fun or prove to the world that women’s lib is still a factor in today’s world, keep on doing what you’re doing. If you want true love, true happiness, and a suitable LTR that works for you … take a long hard look at yourself, maybe seek out a good therapist, and try to better understand why you are doing what you are doing. Because you are sabotaging your love life. And you are losing valuable time while you are doing so. Because you know what? If you keep doing this now and realize when you’re 50 that this was a bad thing and unproductive, guess what? Do you know what serious-minded men are going to pursue you at 50? Men who are 55-65. Do you realize how unappealing and unattractive most men at 60 or 65 are going to seem to you at 50? You will be much better off settling now for someone who is 40 or 45 or 47 … because there are still some very appealing and attractive people around in this age group.

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  15. Craig Says:

    I am in perfect shape an overall close to a solid 8/9 ( I would rank myself higher in looks than the actress mentioned here) – OP

    The actress suing Amazon.com (the owners of IMDB) is Huang Hoang. She is hella hot and definitely does not look anywhere close to her age if anyone wants to Google her. I highly doubt the OP is in her league looks-wise, much less being even hotter than that actress. There’s nothing newsworthy or special about the OP’s resistance to aging. Most minority ethnicities tend to age better than Caucasians because Caucasian skin has almost no natural resistence to the sun and is naturally extremely thin. Whatever genetic lottery the OP thinks she’s won was won by billions of others as well.

    That said, I think lying about one’s age in an attempt to attract a mate is pathetic. Who wants to be in a relationship that starts out in a lie? One is left to always wonder what else such a person is lying about. We should all strive to find someone to love us for who we really are. If someone doesn’t want to date someone your age, that will remain the case even after you reveal the truth. I wonder how women who advocate lying about their age would feel if a guy lied about his socio-economic status – claiming to have a high education and salary only to later reveal none of it is true further into the relationship. I’m betting they would not be very forgiving about such a fib. I never lied about anything about myself when I was dating. My position was if I was going to be damned, then let me be damned for who I am.

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    • Joey Giraud Says:

      You make sense except for the racial correlation. I’ve seen plenty of minorities of all colors with thin skin and premature wrinkles. My Finnish nana had supernaturally smooth skin at 85. Not to say she looked 60. More like 70.

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  16. Maria Says:

    The is the OP. I’ve enjoyed reading the comments and the response to my question.
    Just a few other bits of information, so you have a better idea of the situation:
    I was a model before college, but have been working in marketing/advertising for most of my adult life. I’m quite successful and don’t need a man to support me. Also, my ex-boyfriend was 8 years younger than me and did want to get married and have children. I was the one who broke it off. He was also a rather successful guy. So I’m not quite sure if I come across as unstable.
    I don’t intend to continue lying about my age, just a couple of dates to get a feel for how we connect as people. I’m targeting mostly men who are not sure if they want children- because I’m not certain myself. I had my eggs frozen to keep my options open in case I do meet the right guy. But I’m not hung up on this. I will send Moxie a link to some pic of me online, so perhaps she might add to her advice as to whether or not I’m delusional.

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    • VD Joe Says:

      Maria baby, remember how I assured you I had been to a doctor lately, so there was nothing to worry about? I lied too…

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    • John Says:

      “I don’t intend to continue lying about my age, just a couple of dates to get a feel for how we connect as people.”

      Sounds kind of selfish to me. What about the poor guy who thinks he is dating someone that is 30 and spending time and money and emotion on you? Then when YOU feel it is right to fess up, he has to decide something that he should have had a choice on 3 dates and $200 earlier? Or do you plan on refunding him all that he invested based on a lie? Somehow I doubt it.

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      • Maria Says:

        I agree that it’s selfish on my part. First date coffee. Second date I pay half. So not that much cash. The late 30′s guys who finds out on date 2 that I’m 40, not 32 have continued to ask me out. So far, not bad. I’ve had a few not ask me out for a third date, but these guys I didn’t feel such a connection with anyways. Upon meeting people in real life, I don’t feel the need to lie. But online dating seems to be an entirely different animal. People are far more judgmental and quick to sum you up. It’s not my primary way of meeting people.

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    • D. Says:

      You’re looking for something long-term, right? Then you shouldn’t be lying AT ALL. “Only” a few dates in won’t help. Telling them on date #3 is no different from telling them on date #1 or date #25. It’s all a lie, either way.

      And it’s not going to help you, either. Guys set their search criteria in a way for a reason: because that’s what they’re looking for. If they go outside of their search criteria and contact you anyway, groovy. And by the way, some guys do that. But by and large, they’re searching for criteria that you don’t fit.

      Here’s the bottom line:

      If a guy is willing to date a woman in your age range, he’ll do that WITHOUT being lied to. He’ll do it happily and his search criteria OR his online activities will make that obvious. You’ll list yourself as 40, and he’ll either respond to your email or send you one on his own. Either way, he won’t care that you’re 40.

      If a guy is not interested in dating a woman who is 40, and has set his search criteria that way on purpose, “being honest with him” on date #1, #3 or whenever won’t matter. The only place to do this, if you’re gonna do it at all, is in the text of the profile or an email/phone call before you actually go out. And even then, he may still lose interest because he’s not interested in dating someone who is 40. You are 40. Ergo, he is not interested in dating you, no matter how wonderful you are otherwise.

      And there’s one further cautionary tale to offer that Moxie mentioned. You may tell a guy who has younger search criteria the truth on date #3. And he may continue to see you…for a bit. But chances are, this will just be for sex or casual companionship until he finds a better girl who does fit his criteria. And you know what? You’ll get blindsided by that because you’ll think he’s accepted you for you, when really he’s just biding his time until he finds a better prom date. Ask yourself if you want to roll the bones on that one.

      And if none of that sinks in, consider the following. This is literally no different from a guy who is 5’6 who lies and says he’s 5’10. And that guy can’t even get away with 3 dates’ worth of deceit. She’ll know as soon as he walks in the door that he’s not 5’10.

      What’s that you say? But you look so young? That’s not the point. Your age is about more than just your looks. It touches on issues of fertility, longevity, experience, maturity, even what kinds of pop culture references you and the other person will get. And a guy who is looking to get serious cares about ALL of that, not just how gravity-defying your physical features may be. Just as you’d probably be irritated by a guy who’s

      Lying is an awful way to start a relationship. Just don’t do it. Be honest about you who are, both with yourself and with the guys you date.

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      • D. Says:

        Sorry, 2nd to last paragraph should end “by a guy who’s lied to you about how tall he is, where he went to school, or how rich he is.”

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      • Maria Says:

        I understand it’s not all about looks. But at 40, if I was with a 38 year old, we would be in a similar situation in life, have similar cultural references, similar maturity levels and statistically, I’d live longer than him.
        Say I do look younger ( Moxie is tagging me at 35) and that with science, I can have my own biological children. Why would targeting a 48 year old guy put me in a closer range of appropriateness? Wouldn’t we actually farther apart on all the issues you mention?

        People are suggesting here that I am deluded and unstable and not an ideal candidate to be a parent or a partner. Fair enough. A brief sketch of a situation doesn’t always paint the entire picture.

        But I would assert that if a woman past 35 suggests that she might have a preference for a guy closer to her own age, there is the automatic assumption that she is delusional. I approach dating younger guys quite cautiously and remain open to older guys.

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        • D. Says:

          I think we’re talking about two different things here.

          I’m not saying you’re delusional for wanting to date a guy your own age. I wouldn’t even say you’re delusional about wanting to date a guy who’s younger than you, although that’s a tougher proposition. You’ll probably have much better luck at finding a guy closer to your age range (38-45), actually.

          My point is that you shouldn’t lie about your age to do it.

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          • Maria Says:

            No, I shouldn’t have to lie about my age for doing it. But being honest about my age initially also brings about a wave of negative assumptions that aren’t true either.

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            • D. Says:

              So what?

              Let ‘em assume. If they pass you up because of it, fuck ‘em. Who cares?

              Those negative assumptions only matter if you’ve internalized them and believe them yourself.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

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              • Joey Giraud Says:

                No, she’s got a point. Everyone is guilty of making quick judgments without knowing all the facts.

                Not just stupid people, not just mean or bigoted people. Everyone.

                Why not do them the favor of preventing them from making a mistake?

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          No, Moxie “tagged” you at mid-thirties. You’re latching on to the lowest age range possible to make yourself feel better. There’s not much difference between looking 35 and looking 40. The problem here is that you can’t stand the fact that you’re 40, and only want to be with a younger guy or guy “who looks 43″ because then people will assume you’re younger than you are. It’s sad how obsessed you are with needing people to believe you’re not your actual age. It just shows such an awful and unattractive sense of fear and insecurity. As does your desire to have a baby so you can complete some creepy family photo.

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  17. coptic777 Says:

    ” Also, my ex-boyfriend was 8 years younger than me and did want to get married and have children. I was the one who broke it off. He was also a rather successful guy.” Exactly lol.

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  18. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    Here’s why you’re deluded:

    First of all, you got into a relationship with a guy who was 8 years younger than you, yet apparently want marriage and kids. There’s the first example of your bad judgment. Then there’s the fact that you decided that you discussed having children with someone and froze embryos/eggs with someone whom you dumped a year later. Bad judgment. Now you’re using an online dating site and lying about your age by almost a decade and pursuing more younger guys. More bad judgment. Whether or not you could pass for 32 or not is irrelevant. That’s not the worst of your delusional thinking.

    Where you’re most profoundly deluded is your belief that there is an endless supply of options for you. You want to waste your time dating much younger guys and STILL be entitled to your little fantasy of getting married and having kids come true.

    Hon, you’re 40. You’ll be fortunate if you manage to have one of those dreams become a reality, let a lone two.

    Am I unrealistic to think that a guy 35-40 who is ambivalent about having children might be interested in me?

    Yes, because even if he’s ambivalent about wanting kids, he’s STILL going to want to be with a younger woman just in case he decided he wants them. Now, if he’s sure he doesn’t want kids, that’s a different story. I saw your pics. You look to be in your mid thirties. Great. But you’re 40. If you lie about your age by 8 years, those guys will ditch you regardless of when you tell them.

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  19. PhillyGal Says:

    I had a good friend who was in a relationship with a man for 8 years. They seemed happy. But at the beginning of the relationship she lied about her age (she is 15 years his senior and she said she was half that). She never told him the truth and he found out on his own. Within a couple of months, it was over. I think he was moreso bothered by the betrayal/insecurity than the age difference (he’s dating an older woman right now).

    Just food for thought.

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    • Maria Says:

      There’s difference between lying for 8 years and lying for 2 dates.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 7

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      • lalalatte Says:

        Not really, a lie is still a lie regardless of how long it’s kept up. I fully agree with other commenters that when you’re trying to establish trust and mutual respect with a potential partner honesty is always the best policy.

        BTW, I live in WA. too. Online dating here in the Seattle area is easy-peasy if all you’re looking for is
        a “regular good looking guy with a solid job.” I’m 39 and a would wager I’m a 6 or 7 on the 1-10 scale. If I don’t have any problems meeting guys online that fit your description (Match.com and OK Cupid are choked full of them) then you as a self proclaimed younger-looking 8-9 should be doing better than me. The difference is I date within my age range, 40-50. Trying narrowing your search to 38-43 if going older bugs you that much that way you’re still within the upper end of your desired range and won’t need to lie about your age to catch men’s attention.

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      • M. Says:

        You’re right. There is a huge difference. After 8 years, they are presumably in love. After 2 dates, they are certainly not.

        It’s much easier to walk away from somebody you don’t know than to walk away from someone with 8 years of history.

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      • Eliza Says:

        Maria – lying is lying. To many people…if you start off on that foot…they basically view you as a “liar”. It’s that simple. That man doesn’t know you that well – so keep in mind…you only have one chance to make a “first” impression…and if it’s based on deceit…then that’s not impressive at all.
        Own who you are. you are 40. nothing wrong with that. Be proud to be 40, and look younger.

        And do everyone a huge favor–let others decide – whether you look young and just how much younger you look. It’s all subjective. One person may think you look your age–while another guy may think you look 10 years younger.

        It really doesn’t matter–because you are 40. That’s the bottom line. Why lie about anything of that nature. Be proud.

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  20. Kurt Says:

    This woman might look 10-years younger in the face, but I really doubt that men think she has the body of a woman 10 years younger. She probably has some loose/stretched skin somewhere on her body that younger women are less likely to have. Her deception will only take her so far with men before they suspect that she is lying

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  21. Maria Says:

    Hi Moxie,

    Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate the severe tone of your advice. I agree with you that my options are not endless. But I don’ think they are as gloom and doom as you suggest. The egg freezing/embryo thing was done mostly from the suggestion of they guy I was with. I originally never wanted children. He thought I would change my mind. The breakups happened because I wasn’t sure of actually wanting to have children. My ideal situation would be finding a guy who doesn’t want to have children who is closer to my age. Meanwhile dating can be also fun. And I have eggs in the bank, so if I did change my mind, at least I could have a biological child, even if it’s on my own.

    So the takeaway from your advice to me is to target men who don’t want children, if I am looking for a guy closer to my own age. Lying about your age isn’t always about insecurity. In my work life, appearing youthful/younger helps me land accounts more easily. If a client thinks I’m in my 30′s, I won’t argue with him/her.

    In spite of all the negative comments. I think in 2012, there is some wiggle room for a 40 year old woman who is not hell bent on having children. Not as much as a 40 year old guy, but certainly not 100% bleak either. I was surprised that the title of my question was “Does she want love or security?” I thought it would be closer to “Does a 40 year old woman really have zero chance of landing a slightly younger guy?” I would say the odds are not in her favor in general, but if she looks good, is financially secure and still has the possibility of having biological children, then I think there is a chance. And it’s not as uncommon as you would think. I’ve seen it done in real life.

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    • D. Says:

      It is absolutely not impossible to meet a guy who’s a little younger than you and who doesn’t want kids. It may not even be impossible for a 40-year-old woman to meet a guy who does want kids and hit it off with him.

      But the point is that it’s not impossible to do AS A 40 YEAR OLD. NOT as a 40 year old pretending to be a 32 year old.

      In your business, ok, maybe it’s easier if accounts think you’re younger. We’re not talking about accounts. We’re talking about long-term romantic relationships, ideally, no? If so, don’t lie. Just don’t. There’s no need. There’s no long-term upside, and the downsides are significant. You say there’s a difference between lying for 8 years and lying for 2 dates. Yes. There is. One is for 2 dates and the other is for 8 years. Know what isn’t different? They’re both lying. Either way, you really damage if not destroy your credibility with a person you’re ostensibly seeing if you could get serious with.

      You’re right that the situation isn’t as dire as it may sound, depending on your goals. I’d say it’s a longshot that a guy who’s younger and wants kids will be interested. It could happen, but I think it’s a longshot. A guy who’s younger and doesn’t want kids might be more attainable. The older you go, the better luck you’d have, again, particularly if they don’t want kids. But all of that requires that you’re up front and honest, unless you’re looking for a fling. Any situation built on trust, though, really shouldn’t start off with a lie. Even if it only lasts 2 dates. Even if it only lasts 10 minutes into date #1.

      As I see it, here are your best options:

      - State your age accurately on your profile. Maybe you’ll populate in more searches than you think.

      - Email guys proactively. If you look as good as you say you do, maybe they’ll go for it. There’s no reason you have to sit around and wait for them to come to you.

      - If you absolutely flat-out refuse to accurately list your age, state it in the body of your profile, or tell them within the first email or two, or at least over the phone.

      But really, just don’t lie about your age. Just don’t. As a guy who appears to be roughly within your target market (mid-30s, attorney, decent looking, and looking to settle down and start a family), I am telling you I would not date a woman who lied to me. Not if she revealed the truth on date #3, not if she revealed the truth on date #1 10 minutes in. I prize trust, and I expect a lot of guys in my situation do as well.

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    • Marshmallow Says:

      I still don’t understand why YOU are so hung up on age. It’s the only thing you are specific about. I don’t imagine in the cases where this has worked out that the woman was hell-bent on finding a younger guy.

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      • Maria Says:

        It’s not necessarily the age, it’s the basic physical attractiveness level, so if a guy is 45 and in good shape, that’s good too. So I guess more realistically, the range is a guy who is more mature, but looks good.
        I just started this whole online dating thing to get a feel for how old I am perceived to be. Since in real life, most people tag me at 32, I thought I’d go with it to see what would happen. I know. Selfish and wasting other people’s time. I am challenging Moxie’s assumption that actual age trumps all else. Not all 40 year old women are the same. Am I less of a catch for men my age compared to an overweight, unattractive 32 year old?

        D, you are right that the best strategy is to be upfront about my age. To be honest, being newly single after being in a few long term relationships, I was not certain if other people’s compliments on my youthful looks was just fake flattery or self delusion. Lying about my age online and gauging the response indicates that I can pass for younger. I agree that it’s best to be honest when it comes to dating. But when you state online that you are in great shape, look young and post recent pics, the assumption is that you are using old pics and do not look young because EVERYONE online says that. This is what Moxie reiterates. As well, at 40 most people would assume you won’t be able to have your own biological children. Well, that is a possibility for me. So if you state that you want children at 40, you are tagged as delusional.

        Is there a way to be honest and not appear delusional at 40? It is possible to have some preferences at 40? Is it so bad to test the waters a bit by lying about your age?

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        • Eliza Says:

          Maria-I am going to call you out on this one…when you say:
          “It’s not necessarily the age, it’s the basic physical attractiveness level, so if a guy is 45 and in good shape, that’s good too. So I guess more realistically, the range is a guy who is more mature, but looks good.”

          That’s nonsense. If a person is attractive–they just are. There are men in their mid to late 40′s who are in very good shape–better shape than some men in their late 20′s and early 30′s–who have large beer bellies. Some people age better than others…and yes, partly based on DNA and lifestyle. From your post–you seem very fixated on “age” – which is why you are very specific about dating younger men. You want to be viewed as “younger than your age”–which is 40. Which is why you even commented “that people tagged you at age 32″. You seem to want people to compliment you and convince you that you look younger. The ego is a very fragile thing. We all know this.

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    • Yolanda Says:

      “My ideal situation would be finding a guy who doesn’t want to have children who is closer to my age. Meanwhile dating can be also fun. And I have eggs in the bank, so if I did change my mind, at least I could have a biological child, even if it’s on my own.”

      Have you realised that your plan could result in you being a 45-year old single mom of a baby you might not have the energy to take care of alone? What’s the point of targeting men who don’t want kids if there’s a possibility you might want to have a child?

      Here’s what I’d do if I were a 40 y.o. above average beautiful woman who looked in her 30′s and still wanted to have children:

      - Realise that even if my frozen eggs are only 32 years old, having a baby in my mid 40′s or later is risky, no matter how “young” I look. I would take action now towards getting a relationship with a man who wants kids
      - Meet men offline, so as to maximise the advantage of youthful appearance and beauty.
      - Message men online using real age who have expressed an interest in starting a family.
      - Avoid getting tied into exclusive relationships with men who don’t want kids
      - Adjust my standards so that “desire to have kids” is more important than the man’s handsomeness, good job or youth (it’s difficult to find a man who has all 4 of these)
      - End relationships that are going nowhere quickly, and filter out men who don’t want kids so I don’t waste my last few reproductive years

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      • Maria Says:

        I think your advice is excellent. Having children at 45+ is controversial. I can understand the argument against it. Whether or not a woman has the resources or energy to have a child at that age would be something that I think she can make on her own. We are not all the same. I wouldn’t be judge for having a child at 37, but I would be at 44. That’s only a 7 year difference. And men have children all the time in their mid 40′s. Since I wouldn’t have issues with chromosomal abnormalities, why the judgement? Women also live about 7 years longer than men. Why am I being verbally lashed? And why the assumption that I don’t have a grasp of my reality?

        If in the future, science gave women ( and men) the possibility of looking 10- 20 years younger and no cap on their fertility, would dating dynamics change? would age then be just a number? Science has already allowed us to live a good 30 more years.

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          why the judgement? Women also live about 7 years longer than men. Why am I being verbally lashed?

          Because you have no idea what is motivating you. This isn’t about a desire to have children or a husband. You are obsessed with being perceived as a certain age. That’s why you want to be with a younger guy so that, when seen together, people will naturally assume you’re younger. That’s also why you want to have a baby. So that people will look at you and assume you’re younger than you are.

          This is all about you needing – to an almost disturbing degree – to believe you’re younger than you are. You refuse to accept that you’re 40.

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        • chillybeans Says:

          “Since I wouldn’t have issues with chromosomal abnormalities, why the judgement? ”

          Because you are what, blessed by the gods? They can happen at ANY AGE! No one is guaranteed a perfect baby. They don’t call it the miracle of life for nothing.
          Yes, the chances are higher with maternal age, but 20 yr olds have had Down’s Syndrome babies. They tend to not get tested because the risk is so low, but it’s still there.
          You live in some what, alternate universe? Usually it’s guys that need female reproductive health explained to them not women of (well kinda) child bearing age….

          You remind me of my mother, a beautiful woman who struggled so much with aging. Her entire identity was wrapped up in her looks, when they started to go she really had nothing else.
          She would refuse to go out in public with me as a teenager, such was her fear that someone would discover her “real age”!
          Moxie is right, it’s pathological with you. Please see a therapist, I do wish you well. Just please don’t have kids for the wrong reasons.

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        • Yolanda Says:

          “why the judgement? Women also live about 7 years longer than men. Why am I being verbally lashed? And why the assumption that I don’t have a grasp of my reality”

          No judgement on you personally. My comments are based on observations of women trying to conceive, coping with pregnancy, childbirth and demanding babies, while juggling issues with relationships, finances, post partum depression, lowered energy levels etc.

          I work in a field related to pregnancy and fertility and I meet women of all ages and at all stages of their fertility journey. I see how quickly the younger ones conceive, and their relatively easy pregnancies, how the ones with husbands and a supportive families cope better than single moms, and how physically draining it is to take care of a baby that’s 100% dependent on you.

          I’m not lashing you, as you say. I’m basically saying that if you want babies and the best chance of a healthy pregnancy and a less stressful first few years of the baby’s life, align your actions towards achieving that goal.

          If you were 30 and saying you wanted kids, but were going to date men who didn’t want kids, I’d give you similar advice.

          If this advice hurts or offends, try a forum of new mothers and see the issues they face. Everything I’ve told you is based on my observations of hundreds of women.

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  22. bep33` Says:

    Geez Maria, if all you wanted to do is have someone validate you, you should have stated so upfront. I don’t think you’re really here for advice.

    You are no unicorn. You aren’t that special. You’re a 40 year old woman who doesn’t understand that the rules apply to her too. You’re a 40 year old woman who can’t deal with the fact that she has to do some chasing now.

    All those beta providers that you scoffed at 10 years ago? They got married to women who had realistic expectations. Now, let’s see, in your words ” I’m not trying to land the hottest, most successful hunk. Just a regular good looking guy with a solid job who is still on the younger side.” Guess what. That man is dating REAL 25-32 year olds. He doesn’t want you.

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    • Maria Says:

      Why the assumption that I scoffed at the Beta Providers? I think those were the only guys I dated. Lots of artistic types.I’m not insisting the rules don’t apply to me. I’m questioning if the rules are always 100% fixed. If by merely stating my age and single status, one assumes I scoffed at the Beta Providers, then there is a reason why I might hesitate to be upfront about my age initially. You can’t judge a person’s history based on current age and marital status. The benefit of the doubt is rarely given to a 40 year old woman. Without turning my question into a 10 page document, I just highlighted a few key issues.

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      • bep33` Says:

        “I’m not insisting the rules don’t apply to me. I’m questioning if the rules are always 100% fixed.”

        Comedy gold.

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  23. Joseph Says:

    This is the kind of chick you just say whatever it is she wants to hear to pump and dump. What a narcissistic head case.

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  24. ISOf16 Says:

    Ugh… Lying about being 8 years younger…… Hey girl.. you are a big fat liar, no doubt about that. OK, maybe I might forgive a few years, but 8 would make me think you not only are a serial liar, but a nutty one at that. I’m coming to see why 60 yo old women get hit on by guys your age and younger – they are tired of game players like you!

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  25. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “Why am I being verbally lashed?”

    Really? You asked the Internet if it was okay to lie? That’s like poking a beehive with a stick and wondering why you got stung. There’s actually a word for people who make obviously provocative statements on the Internet for no reason other than to argue with idiots. I forget what it is. The quick answer is that there are people reading this that actually believe in KARMA. Not as a nifty idea that they overhearrd in college but like really believe that bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people in this life (in spite of the obvious fact that bad things happen to good people all the time and good things happen to bad people more often than not.) Can you imagine the size of the mind of a person who believes that? So, don’t be so shocked that you’re getting judged.

    See all those commenters above me? They all lie. See those commenters below me? Liars. I’m guilty too.

    So, no. Its not a crime to lie. You’re under no moral or legal obligation to tell the truth to an Internet dating site, or even to prospective dates. (They’re liars too, by the way.) The problem is that part of your plan upfront is to admit to lying. And, as others have noted, that seems counterproductive to what you say you are looking for. Not being it’s “wrong,” it’s just not a good strategy.

    I think your point about being “judged” inaccurately for something you can’t help – your age, is correct. But, where have I heard that before? Oh… right. That”s like every human being’s experience on planet earth ever. People judge and get judged ALL THE TIME for things out of their control: age, height, weight, skin color, ethnicity, religion. It’s called prejudice. I’m sure people make incorrect assumptions about you because you’re asian. Yet, you won’t lie about that, right? Why not? Therein lies your answer.

    Namaste.

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    • Maria Says:

      Ok fair enough. People don’t like liars. But most of us lie to a certain degree. So far, my approach hasn’t appeared to be completely counterproductive. Sure, I’m guilty of wasting the time of some men who are adamant about only wanting women within a certain age range, but for the most part, when there is chemistry in person, the guys are willing to give it a go. I take things slowly and they are curious about my personality, my achievements, dreams, etc.. Some of these guys tell me that they would have hesitated going on a date somewhat had they known my age in advance. I probably don’t need to drop my age all the way to 32, but I’m just experimenting.

      I call myself Asian, but I’m actually also 1/3 Caucasian and 1/3 Hispanic. I was raised by my Asian father and identify with his side of the family, hence I call myself Asian. Also, most people assume I’m Asian, so I just go with it. In real life, most people assume I’m younger, so I just go with it until they ask my age.

      After a first coffee date, I generally go on picnics with guys and pack some nice food or even invite them over to dinner at my place. These guy are not shelling out hundreds of dollars. I’m not having sex with any of them unless I”m in a relationship and they are still sticking around. I know I don’t have unlimited options, but I seem to be having a better shot of at least being considered. I think I’m a pretty good date.

      I’ve had mostly long term relationships with younger men, who did want to commit. I’m not chasing Brad Pitt. I’m open to dating outside of my race, a guy who is shorter, a guy who doesn’t necessary make a ton of money. I have this one preference: that the man not be “old looking”. So maybe I do think the rules don’t apply entirely to me. But all my dating and relationship experience indicates that this is not entirely out of my reach. If it starts to look unrealistic, then I’d alter my strategy. Meanwhile, I won’t apologize for at least making an effort to get what I want.

      Anyways, even though most here are not really on my side, I appreciate the varying points of view.

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      • Eliza Says:

        “I call myself Asian, but I’m actually also 1/3 Caucasian and 1/3 Hispanic. I was raised by my Asian father and identify with his side of the family, hence I call myself Asian. Also, most people assume I’m Asian, so I just go with it. In real life, most people assume I’m younger, so I just go with it until they ask my age.”

        ok–so not only do you (or have you) lie about your age…but you ALSO lie about your ethnic background? Why are you so embarassed about your age and your ethnic background? People assume I am either Italian or Greek, but I don’t lie…I tell them where I am from. Just because someone assumes something, you don’t need to “go with it – and lie”. Embrace your heritage and your age girl. Geez. You have some major insecurity issues. Part of loving someone – is loving yourself first.

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        • Maria Says:

          It’s not that uncommon. Barack Obama concealed the fact that his mother was white for a number of years. I don’t think it’s a self esteem issue. I identify with being Asian the most, since I look it, speak the language and grew up in the culture.

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          • Eliza Says:

            Never said it was “common” or “uncommon”–I commented why not embrace – yourself – for “you”…and just own up to the truth – and no need to “conceal” anything. Who cares what Obama concealed – it’s irrelevant to this blog. When people lie about themselves – it’s usually a sign of insecurity (which yes, is correlated to a self-esteem issue). Why conceal how old you are? The guy that is right for you will be accepting of the truth, and not judge you based on your age. If you have to resort to some bait and switch tactic with your online encounters–don’t be offended when people you interact with do the same thing. Don’t point the finger at men who conceal the truth – for the very same reasons you feel justified in doing so. Expect the same in return.

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            • Maria Says:

              Ok, I get the point that the lying part is offending a lot of you. As I mentioned earlier, I just started this whole online thing and thought it wouldn’t hurt to test my “perceived age”. In this blog, Moxie insists that no one looks much younger than they really are. That when friends and family tell you, they are lying. That if young men hit on you, they are just after easy sex. I don’t disagree that it’s probably not the best long term strategy, but testing the waters a bit online isn’t the most morally corrupt thing you can do. Some of the men I meet actually do confess that they’ve fibbed their age as well 2-3 years. I think it’s fine. If a 50 year old man lied and said he was 42, I’d be ok with that as well, so long as he could pass for 42.

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      • chillybeans Says:

        I guess I’m not sure what you are really looking for with this post? Validation? An “it’s ok to lie”?
        Telling you the end justifies the means? I think you will just continue on your merry way.

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        • Maria Says:

          Just looking to open some kind of dialogue. Wanted to hear various viewpoints, to see if I can create a better strategy. In any case, only time will tell. So far, it’s been fine. I’m having fun dating and meeting new guys.

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        • Eliza Says:

          cillybeans: the problem with meeting online–is: You can be ANYONE you want! You see, deception is very rampant. You can post a number of photos – of someone else even. Or of you – when you were in your prime – say 10-15 years ago! And say–hey world….this is me. I am a successful business woman or business man. bla bla bla. Point being, there is so much anonymity on the internet….that you can be as young as you want, be that billionaire, jetsetter….yet truthfully–be creating that fictitious profile from the basement of your mother’s apartment….at the ripe old age of 49! lol. That’s the sad truth folks. Which is why – it’s best to meet someone the traditional way – by just going out. At least, in that way–you get to actually visually witness what lies before you.

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      • Howard Says:

        Ok Maria. You don’t like the advice you are getting here. So you fired out that classic denial testament above. Let me take address it for you.

        ” So far, my approach hasn’t appeared to be completely counterproductive.”

        Of course it is counter-productive, or there would be no need to write in to this blog. You are obviously not coming up with what you want. Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing a thing over and over the same way and expecting a different result.

        “Sure, I’m guilty of wasting the time of some men who are adamant about only wanting women within a certain age range,”

        Yes, you are wasting their time. Don’t gloss over it. You would not be happy about me doing it to you, and trust me I could easily fool you I am in your age range, if I wished.

        “These guy are not shelling out hundreds of dollars. I’m not having sex with any of them unless I”m in a relationship and they are still sticking around.”

        Of course they are sticking around, It’s a good potential opportunity to have sex with the desperate cougar.

        ” But all my dating and relationship experience indicates that this is not entirely out of my reach.”

        Of course you are correct on that point. You can absolutely find your Nick Cannon like Mariah Carey. You are just making it harder. You are getting lost in numbers, that you have to waste a lot of time wading through. I tend not to do online dating, but when I do, I actually prefer niche sites. I get less messages back than the big sites like eHarmony or Match. However I get so much better quality. That saves me time, money and angst.

        As a matter of fact I ended up recently trying a particular niche site where I was not even a paying member. I put up a very good profile with my correct age, even though people tell me they think I look younger. I can’t initiate messages; I can only do the winks. In three weeks I got 15 good responses for meets; did the back and forth messaging. I met three women for dates. I ended up not following through with 12 of them and pulling my profile because I really liked the third woman I met, She is actually 9 years my junior but very mature and extraordinary and quite gorgeous. Of course I let the others politely know the situation. And all these women were real quality. I am almost kicking myself for not exploring my options more, but I know a good thing when I see it.

        The reason I am telling that story is to highlight that it is possible to meet good people. It certainly helps if we use the built in gatekeeping mechanisms. That saves us lot of time. A woman can do her profile in such a way to bring in enormous responses, but that is counter-productive. She is really only interested in meeting a few guys, so she would have to wade through the stack to find that needle in the haystack. I can’t stress enough how important a good profile is. You have to set yourself apart, and please stop saying what you are. You are only what you do. So say what you do in as exciting a fashion as possible. And if you don’t do enough, this is your call to do more.

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        • D. Says:

          Yep. You have to ask yourself whether you just want a large quantity of responses, or whether you want quality. You can continue to lie about your age and you’ll probably increase your quantity, but I’d bet you won’t really be increasing your quality.

          Instead, use the features of the site (like the fact that people will filter you out on the basis of age from search results) and count that as a blessing. Everyone has saved time and money this way. Yourself included, if you’re picking up your half of the tab on early dates.

          If you want to contact a younger guy, shoot him an email. I will tell you that, when I was younger, I was approached online by a few older women and it was a serious ego boost. I dated them casually, never intending to get serious, but we had a nice time together. In one case, though, I really hit it off with one, and she was the one to break it off because she knew I wanted kids and she didn’t. Long-term, it wouldn’t have worked, so she didn’t want to go down that path, given the kind of interest in each other we had. We’re still friendly, actually.

          My point in mentioning this is that guys who are younger WILL respond to an older woman who contacts them. Some of them will do this because they figure it’ll be easy cougar sex. But with some guys, you may find a connection, particularly if you focus on guys who have profiles where you think you’d click on more than just a casual level.

          Likewise, guys who are your age who are looking for younger women will likely be plenty open to being contacted by a woman their own age, assuming there’s a connection otherwise (e.g., they like your profile and think you look as young as you say). The ONLY reason why a guy like that might turn you down is if he has issues re: your fertility at 40, and you won’t convince him to “give you a chance” if that’s the case. At least not beyond the short term. Other than that, he either is looking truly for younger women and won’t respond, or it’s not the age thing that leaves him disinterested. Either way, no great loss.

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        • Maria Says:

          It’s because I had my eggs frozen and the means use them if necessary, that I am experimenting with changing my age. Rather than stating on my profile, that I have frozen my eggs, I am changing my age to reflect the age of my eggs. If I look 32, my frozen eggs are 32, but my biological age was 40, would it change things? This is what I am experimenting to find out. I’m not an extraordinarily unique woman, but very few women have frozen their eggs or the means to do so. So it is a unique situation that science has created. It’s safe for me to have my own biological child well into my 50′s.
          Men have children all the time in their 40′s and 50′s.

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          • D. Says:

            Ok, as I’ve said, as a guy in your target demographic (or one of them, anyway), I would not put up with such deceit. Yes, it would matter. It would matter because I’m looking for something different. It would matter because I don’t buy this notion that fertility gets frozen at the same time as the egg gets frozen. Most of all, though, it would bother me because IT IS A LIE. You’re lying to guys. Stop doing that. It’s not cool. It’s not acceptable. And it’s not justifiable either. It’s wrong. Stop it.

            At this point, I’m not even sure that this is about what the guy thinks. You seem to be more concerned with what you can get away with as far as honesty goes. “How honest do I really have to be? I think I’ll test it…” Seriously. Stop and think about that. I’m not sure that even really matters, though, because this all sounds to me like Moxie really had you pegged right from the start: you don’t want to accept that you’re 40. You’ve concocted this justification as to how you’re 40-but-not-really-40-because-SCIENCE!, yet elsewhere in this comment thread you said you prefer to be with a guy who doesn’t want kids?

            Yeah, I’m calling bullshit at this point. This isn’t about what the guys think. This is about what YOU think. I think this has more to do with your fundamental sense of desirability. Why else would you be wishy-washy about this kid thing? You’re worried about fertility but you’d rather be with a guy who doesn’t want kids? You’ve mostly dated younger guys, but you say you’d prefer a guy your age? It sounds like you don’t really know what you want, at least based on what you’re saying here. It sounds like what you DON’T want, however, is to admit the truth about your age — to yourself.

            Much of what you’ve said here seems to be…all over the place, really. You first started by saying that it was ok to say you’re 32 because you look 32. Then you brought up the fact that you had your eggs frozen at 32, so you might as well be 32. You know what I see hidden behind all that? Fear that you are no longer desirable.

            You’re not even that clear on whether you want kids from the sound of it. You keep touching on this fertility thing, but you say you’d prefer to be with a guy who is your age and doesn’t want kids. You also say that you only froze your eggs at the insistence of the guy you were with, and that really you didn’t want kids at all and that’s why it ended.

            I think this fertility thing is more about APPEARING as a valuable “commodity” to guys out there. It’s like a feature on a car. “Optional fertility package included at no additional cost!” You don’t even really sound like you want kids, yet you advertise the fact that you can have them. Why? Only thing I can think of is because you think a guy will want to be with you because of that. Same deal with listing your age as 32. Why are you doing that? Because you think a guy will want that. More to the point, you think a guy WON’T want a woman who’s 40 and who probably doesn’t ever want kids.

            Be honest with yourself. You’re 40. You look good. You don’t want kids. That’s who and what you are, and there’s nothing wrong with that. There are plenty of guys who would likely prefer to be with someone like that. So why cut your own throat by lying to them? Why test how much deceit you can get away with? Accept who you are and what you are and work with it. It sounds like you have plenty going for you. You look good, you’re successful, you’re independent, and you’re not looking for a baby-daddy (or a sugar-daddy). There are plenty of guys who would think they struck gold at finding something like that. But there are also plenty of those same guys who will walk the hell away from you because you lied to them.

            Why? Two very simple reasons. (1) They won’t trust you. (2) They’ll think you’ve got deep-seated insecurities that you can’t get past. And I don’t care how hot you are, no guy wants to spend the rest of his life with an untrustworthy loony. If that’s not who you are, then that’s great! You can stop lying about being 32, then. If you keep it up, though, I guarantee you, that’s how a LOT of guys will see you, which is a shame because as I said, it sounds like you’ve got a lot going for you otherwise.

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            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              You’re not going to make her see the error of her ways. You’re just feeding her narcissism. Please stop responding to her.

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      • Eliza Says:

        Maria- Just because you are deceptive don’t accuse or assume others are – to any degrees.

        you stated:
        “People don’t like liars. But most of us lie to a certain degree.” — NOT TRUE.

        Not all of us have the urge to lie about our ages, ethnic backgrounds, etc. Some people may consider themselves “funny”, or “easygoing”, – those are subjective adjectives – but they are not factual concrete demographic pieces of information like age, occupation, heritage, height/weight, etc. A person can be off target by thinking they are witty, or humorous or patient…while others may not deem them to be that way. Those are subjective terms. But one can’t say they are 32 when clearly – they are 40. They may state that they “feel” like a 32 year old…when they are 40 or 50. Or state they consider themselves to look like they are 32. But again, you should let others arrives to that conclusion rather than decide how old others think you are.

        So no…we do not ALL subscribe to the same strategy of lying that you do. Whether it be the first time meeting someone or the 20th+.

        Secondly, you should have to “convince a guy” to be interested in you. They either are naturally drawn to you – or not. Being with someone is not something that can be negotiated like a marketing deal.

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  26. Microwave King Says:

    I think you’re right in lying about your age if you really look younger. Age is pretty relative (high only older people say that?:) and it provokes prejudices. I don’t want to date women at 40s when dating online but it’s quite ok if I meet somebody cool in a bar and is 40 and doesn’t look old. And more so if she has the money and frozen eggs for a kid. Because in the end some guys want to have a kid so being over 40 is a red flag. So one size doesn’t fit all and lying about these things is not yet illegal (…) so you go girl! Then again you might be missing people that don’t want kids and look for older women etc… so it’s pretty much about seeing what’s your target group and behave accordingly. It’s called marketing.

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    • Maria Says:

      Yes, its called Advertising and Marketing. That is my line of work. Since lying online isn’t illegal, why not give it a try and see what kind of results you get? I stumbled upon Moxie’s blog not too long ago and think it’s great! She dishes out the most ruthless feedback. I wouldn’t have written to her otherwise. So some people here think I’m pathological, delusional, desperate, insecure, will be a bad mother, narcissistic, deceptive, and an all-out-kook. Fair enough. There’s probably not too much more I can add, but might report back in a couple of month to see how the experiment goes.

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      • bep33` Says:

        Really? Your advertising and marketing career includes lying about the products and services that your clients offer? How’s that working out for you?

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  27. bep33` Says:

    Well, your choice. You can be a mediocre looking 32 year old (that’s a liar to boot) or you can be a smoking hot 40 year old.

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  28. erine Says:

    I’ve also modeled in the past (as in was signed by an agency as opposed to self-proclaiming myself a model) and also felt entitled to some amazing guy with a great job, super intellect, etc. I was also young, with a lot of interests, a somewhat interesting personality, etc. So I can understand to an extent what the OP must be feeling. The thing is when you are a hot , young thing – to not miss out on all the good men who are all over you who at that time seem a bit not up to sniff but who seem to be amazing ten years later (and , at this point, unattainable). I can see how if I didn’t get married and just dated around waiting for some super NYC guy (and I am still in my 20′s, albeit am pushing 30 at this point), I could be looking around not knowing where all the attention had gone. So partially OP’s predicament is understandable, although she does sound really stuck with that “I look younger” mentality.

    My advice to the OP however is to look for a guy in real life. In online dating, I am sure, a lot of men who would happily ask her out if they met her in real life, would not give her time of day because of her age range. In real life however if you meet a woman, is attracted to her, talk to her and develop that initial attraction, you’re not going to be just put off by the fact that she is a few years older than you had assumed initially.
    Lying about age however is really bad, it’s like reducing your whole self with all you’ve got to offer to this big age insecurity.
    I even asked my husband , and he said that some 40 year olds look hotter than some younger women and that a lot of men would go with the hotter even if she is older. Just don’t be stuck on a hot 30+ man because it does hold true that , just as you ten years ago, they will want a woman in her late 20′s-early 30′s.

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  29. Eve Says:

    To the OP, I’m 38, and also part Asian, and get told I look much younger, but I guess I was never obsessed with getting married, or having kids, since boys hated me in primary school and most of high school. When a few did show interest in me, I didn’t believe them. So, I guess I just focused on my education and career. However, if I were to start dating, I wouldn’t lie about my age, ’cause I never liked younger looking men, anyway, maybe because I was bullied by boys growing up, so I was never attracted to the ‘boyish’ look. I’ve always thought older men were more attractive anyway. I’d definitely be interested in men that are 45 and over. With the whole IVF thing, you can just contact a sperm bank. So, there shouldn’t really be be any need for you to lie. There are actually some younger men who are attracted to older women, and if you do look younger than your age, then if you tell these men the truth, the worst thing that could happenn is they’ll compliment you on your looks! Honesty is always the best policy!

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