Name: Brittany
Age: 25
State: Pennsylvania
Question: I’m 25 and my ex is 28, we were together for 2 years and he just broke up with me. This isn’t the first time though. About a year and a half ago I did something pretty bad that caused his family to not like me anymore. I haven’t seen them since last August (2011). My boyfriend saw through what I did and knew the person I am and stayed with me. But we have had multiple break-ups, i would say at least ten, ranging anywhere from a week to a month, and everyone was with him ending it, and him knowing I’m always there ready to crawl back. The longest was over the summer with it being a month. We got back together in August and things have been better than they ever have been, and he was the one who would always mention that. He dropped me and my daughter off on Friday and I asked if he was staying over. He said he wasn’t sure, and I got upset because it was Friday and we’re always together on the weekends. He called me about 20 minutes later when he got home, and he told me he had enough. He said he can’t take that me and his family don’t talk and he has to live two separate lives, he said he feels torn since the holidays are coming up and he is done with trying he just gives up and he doesn’t see a future with us. But just two weeks ago, we were lying in bed and he said how amazing things have been, that he does see a future with us, how much he loves me, ect. The break up was so out of the blue, he agreed saying he was just thinking about it that day at work. Even after he broke up with me on the phone he said how perfect things were and that I’m perfect. It’s been almost two years with me not seeing his family, so why all of a sudden? Maybe he has someone else and that’s his excuse? How could I have been so blind to not see this coming? I don’t have any plans on contacting him. But should I ask for a more in depth reason? Or just let it go? Is he worth it?
Let’s first address this eleventh “out of the blue” break-up. 10 previous break-ups would place this break-up up very, very in the blue. It didn’t come from nowhere. It was borne from the ashes of the ten previous splits.
The answer as to why he “suddenly” did this is that it wasn’t a sudden decision after all. It was one that had been percolating for some time. Probably even years. Not being able to include his family in on your relationship and vice versa can make one’s life extremely difficult. Especially if something was done to make them greatly dislike you. Which, by the way, you failed to clarify. So I’m guessing it was pretty bad. Bad enough that it would justify his actions, which is why you left it out.
He actually told you why he was ending things now: the holidays. He did not wish to endure the inevitable fights and disagreements and drama that would come from choosing with whom he would share that day and how. All that would do would dredge up all the bad feelings and judgments and he didn’t want to deal with it. Basically, this has been coming all along. He just waited until the last possible moment to do it. He’s not going to tell you that because then he’d look selfish and cowardly.
Ten break-ups? Really? Isn’t that enough of a sign that this relationship wasn’t working and wasn’t healthy? You need to let this go. It wasn’t the relationship you thought that it was.
Wait, there’s an imbalance here. By my count, there are eleven “break ups” but only ten “getting back togethers.” Is my math right? It seems you’re due for another “getting back together.” Probably after the holidays is my guess.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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Really? I don’t think so. If someone is a relationship type person i.e. They like being in a relationship, most likely they have started seeing someone else. If there’s a relationship to the holidays, they will probably introduce them to their family.
Is there any point in asking them for a more specific reason? No, not unless you want to be lied to.
Breaking up sucks, move on and minimize the pain.
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It sounds to me that your boyfriend has known for a while that you were not a keeper. But he probably just wasn’t ready to let go fully yet. I think everyone has been in a relationship at some point where you knew it was over but just couldn’t pull the trigger on it. In time you do reach that point but it may take a while.
The OPs boyfriend sounds like he finally reached that point. Since this is the first time he mentioned the family division and he cant live 2 lives, that is evidence to me that was bothering him all along and it is now coming out. You didnt make mention of the fact that you tried to make ammends with his family for your “crime”. Maybe you did or maybe you didn’t (my guess is you didn’t) but that probably didn’t help matters. Probably best for both of you to move on, grieve the ending of the relationship and meet someone new next year.
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Is it weird that I’m happy this came from a younger girl? Because a lot of these I read and discover that the write is a good 15 -25years years older than I am and it hurts my brain. So just the fact that she’s 25all makes me feel better about the world.
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This is what I noticed:
He said he wasn’t sure, and I got upset because it was Friday and we’re always together on the weekends
So he decided that this particular Friday he couldn’t be with you and instead of just accepting that, you got upset. You created drama and he decided enough was enough. Maybe there’s a lesson there?
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Cognitive dissonance silently stalks yet another doomed relationship, extending the suffering. Exactly as needed and desired by the erstwhile ‘victim’. SSDD, rinse and repeat. Cheers, ‘VJ’
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He told you the reason..he can’t see how he can be with you and still see his family – isn’t willing to give up his family for you..so, yes it is over, don’t waste any more time..know it is painful (and with 10 breakups sounds painful many times)..it is time to move on – you are young, now is the time to be out and about. Not quite sure what you did that he forgave you for, but apparently no one else in his family forgave you – this will be forever an issue – some things can’t be overcome – time to leave this behind.
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If you’ve done something so horrible that he feels he has to live two separate lives, one with you and one with his family, then the relationship is doomed. Sure, people make mistakes, but if you really cared about him, you would have done whatever was necessary to make amends and not continue to put the person you supposedly loved in that position.
In reality, you wanted him to choose between you and his family, which rarely ends well. As a gentleman once told me when a gal’s family got in the way of our relationship, “Blood is thicker than water.”
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