Name: JMS58
Age: 54
State: MA
Question: I have been dating a gentleman for 4 months. He lives about 40 miles away from me. He is 65 yrs old and I am 54 years old and I live with my parents since my divorce. I have been married and divorced once after a 23 year marriage. He has been married and divorced 3 times. When we first started dating we met up 4 times in a neutral location. This was his decision to do this. Whenever we see each other after the 4th time I always drive to his place and stay over. I have mentioned to him 3 or 4 times that I would like it if he would drive up to where I live so we could do something up here and that I would also like for him to meet my parents and friends. Then I would get my car and follow him down to his place. He hemmed and hawed and said maybe the first couple of times. The last time he said why do that? I cant sleep with you at your parents house? This has irked me for a while now. Last night he brought up the subject briefly about going to my friends restaurant that I frequent and meet some of my friends. This remains to be seen. He does treat me very nicely…has done very thoughtful things for me, and we have a great time together. He also calls me to make arrangements for the following weekend on on Wed or Thurs…but the calls are brief. Slowly he is introducing me to his neighbors whom he’s close to. And every now and then he tells me that he doesn’t want to see me this weekend because he needs space. My question here is should these different things that I see as a problem be bothering me at this point? Or should I let them go because its too early in the relationship? Am I thinking too much?
I think, by the 4th month mark, if you and he were on the same page then it wouldn’t be so difficult to get him to show more interest in your life outside of him. It seems he is literally and figuratively only willing to go so far for you. So you need to decide whether or not you can accept this or not. I don’t think you’re over-thinking it. I do think that the writing is on the wall and you need to either accept how things are or move on.
The guy has been divorced 3 times. Clearly, he’s not very good at relationships and possibly possesses pretty poor judgment. It’s likely that he’s done with serious and committed relationships. He might not be making much effort to meet your friends and family because he’s not interested in being a part of your life in that capacity. Not yet, at least. He’s 65 and divorced multiple times. I think saying he’s cautious about getting too serious is an understatement.
Something else to consider is that, with three divorces under his belt, he could also be a tad embarrassed. There’s only so many times you can get away with failing publicly before you learn to lock it all up and keep things on the DL just in case. There’s really only one reason why someone not already in a committed relationship might keep a relationship a semi-secret: fear of judgment. I dated a guy a little while back. During one of my Facebook stalking cruising sessions, I learned that he was engaged. I ended up writing a snarky (but vague with no specifics) tweet about it because, well, he’s an idiot and likes to creep my tweets so I’m happy to comply with interesting content. Within 48 hours I had a scathing email in my inbox telling me I had crossed a line, blah blah. The morally challenged guy had already had a string of successive failed relationships, one right on top of the other with little room between, the last of which was just a couple months before he started dating his fiancee. Seeing as though he had been caught trailing me around the web, I didn’t understand why he was pissed off. Then it struck me that maybe he was afraid this, like all his other relationships, would fail too. I’m just spit balling here, of course.What do I know?
In any case, especially as someone who at one time publicly documented her every dating failure oblivious to how bad it made me look, it’s not a bad thing to be cautious about such things. I’d love to post Facebook photos that I take on dates. But I don’t, because I don’t want to have to explain why I suddenly stopped posting pics. When something fails, having to relive it publicly only makes the recovery that much more difficult. I was reading an article yesterday that detailed a woman’s bad date. The whole scenario was identical to several others she has discussed. One or two admissions to failure aren’t so troubling. But if they’re constant, it’s not unreasonable to assume that casual observers might infer that deeper issues are at work that have nothing to do with the other party and everything to do with you.
My point, J, is that this guy just might be hyper-cautious about “going public” so to speak. I think you need to ask him what his true reservations are. It could be that he’s just trying to avoid the harsh judgment and speculation that many of us fear. Or he just doesn’t wish to engage in anything too serious and committed. The only way you’re going to know is if you ask him what’s up.
I think there is a lot of validity to the idea that “fear of public failure” could be the issue. I know I’ve let that hold me back before, and caused a few budding relationships to wilt in the past. It was never about hiding the relationship or cheating. It was about leaving my comfort zone, and the fear of public humiliation being greater than my willingness to be with them (and one shouldn’t take that personal; fear is a powerful motivator). I turned inward and increasingly private as a result. And at his age, if that’s the issue, it’s doubtful he’s going to change. So as was suggested, OP needs to decide if this is something she can deal with or move on.
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Expectations: They obviously differ here. The only way of getting around that is with amazing communication. This is going to require give and take on both sides.
This dating game is not easy. The way we play it, there are a lot of failures. Some people’s lives are nothing more than an endless string of failures. We may even wish to redefine failure. The end of a particular relationship may not represent failure. It may just be the end of that growth opportunity. Or it may be just what we needed because we had nothing else better going on, and we ourselves may have been time or otherwise constrained.
Given the numerous people we meet, we sometimes put things in perspective. The problem is that one person’s perspective is not the other person’s. This guy was divorced three times, so he has a perspective where he doesn’t have to meet your parents after four months. He is neither right nor wrong. It’s just his take. I don’t think he is hiding you. He introduced you to his neighbor. At the end of the day He is interested in you first and foremost not the other people in your life, just yet. That does not make him a villain. Even the good book had a line about a man and a woman forsaking others and cleaving to each other.
You are still both in the interviewing stage. So expectations have to be tempered, and discussed. Most men hate having to pass the parents test, your kids test and the friends test, and, especially so, as we get older. It’s about being judged, especially by people who don’t even really know us, and may be doing so on some gut reaction or one little thing. This situation is going to require some skill on your part, if you want to keep things going. I understand your tension. I personally would have no problem after four months meeting your friends and family. Not so sure I may want you to meet my kids, just in case it doesn’t work out. Guess I don’t want an endless string of women being introduced to my kids.
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I do this. Women dislike it a great deal. It is confusing really because I’m not sure why it feels comfortable to me but also makes others so uncomfortable.
My guess is that men lead more segregated lives perhaps. I have my work friends, I have my friends for playing football with, I have my friends for going drinking with, I have a friend I go rock climbing with. Those aren’t necessarily all the same people and they don’t necessarily know each other either. Some of them know me in different ways and to different degrees (this is one of the reasons that the silly idea men are forever having private heart-to-heart discussions is projection and nonsense, I have friends I’ve known for years who I don’t know if they are even married or not, again a thing women find inexplicable, and yes we are good friends to each other within the bounds of whatever it is we do together).
If this seems a bit odd, I find it strange how women can’t keep parts of their lives separate and I don’t know if I could function like that to be honest, I don’t want bits of my life affecting other bits of my life. It seems like a sort of social incontinence. I’m not aware I have any crippling social dysfunction but perhaps I’d be the last to know. I suppose the other thing is that in the past when LTRs have broken up, I always somehow always lost out badly in who gets to “keep friends”. So perhaps I’m a bit anxious about that as well. A relationship failing is bad but its going to truly suck if I wind up dumped and can’t go and play football either.
I don’t know if that is helpful or not really.
For what its worth I disagree that there is ‘writing on the wall’ but I think change will be gradual and organic and you’ll have to accept that while its going on. I don’t think this is a case where there is some sort of problem and if you can address it the walls will come tumbling down and he’ll hold a party for his 50 closest friends to meet you the next day. Its more about what people are comfortable with and that will change over time.
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Not quite sure why you live with your parents, perhaps to care for them? Or maybe for financial reasons – but seems like this is the other complication with dating. He can’t sleep at your house – so if you go out to dinner and have a few drinks it isn’t at all convenient to drive 40 miles back to his place. suspect he would be much more ready to hang out up near your place if you had your own apartment. As for meeting each others friends – agree with Speedy, think it will happen organically..
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Isn’t it possible he just has the icks over the OP living with her parents?
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