Question: I have been dating a gentleman for 4 months. He lives about 40 miles away from me. He is 65 yrs old and I am 54 years old and I live with my parents since my divorce. I have been married and divorced once after a 23 year marriage. He has been married and divorced 3 times. When we first started dating we met up 4 times in a neutral location. This was his decision to do this. Whenever we see each other after the 4th time I always drive to his place and stay over. I have mentioned to him 3 or 4 times that I would like it if he would drive up to where I live so we could do something up here and that I would also like for him to meet my parents and friends. Then I would get my car and follow him down to his place. He hemmed and hawed and said maybe the first couple of times. The last time he said why do that? I cant sleep with you at your parents house? This has irked me for a while now. Last night he brought up the subject briefly about going to my friends restaurant that I frequent and meet some of my friends. This remains to be seen. He does treat me very nicely…has done very thoughtful things for me, and we have a great time together. He also calls me to make arrangements for the following weekend on on Wed or Thurs…but the calls are brief. Slowly he is introducing me to his neighbors whom he’s close to. And every now and then he tells me that he doesn’t want to see me this weekend because he needs space. My question here is should these different things that I see as a problem be bothering me at this point? Or should I let them go because its too early in the relationship? Am I thinking too much?
I think, by the 4th month mark, if you and he were on the same page then it wouldn’t be so difficult to get him to show more interest in your life outside of him. It seems he is literally and figuratively only willing to go so far for you. So you need to decide whether or not you can accept this or not. I don’t think you’re over-thinking it. I do think that the writing is on the wall and you need to either accept how things are or move on.
The guy has been divorced 3 times. Clearly, he’s not very good at relationships and possibly possesses pretty poor judgment. It’s likely that he’s done with serious and committed relationships. He might not be making much effort to meet your friends and family because he’s not interested in being a part of your life in that capacity. Not yet, at least. He’s 65 and divorced multiple times. I think saying he’s cautious about getting too serious is an understatement.
Something else to consider is that, with three divorces under his belt, he could also be a tad embarrassed. There’s only so many times you can get away with failing publicly before you learn to lock it all up and keep things on the DL just in case. There’s really only one reason why someone not already in a committed relationship might keep a relationship a semi-secret: fear of judgment. I dated a guy a little while back. During one of my Facebook
stalking cruising sessions, I learned that he was engaged. I ended up writing a snarky (but vague with no specifics) tweet about it because, well, he’s an idiot and likes to creep my tweets so I’m happy to comply with interesting content. Within 48 hours I had a scathing email in my inbox telling me I had crossed a line, blah blah. The morally challenged guy had already had a string of successive failed relationships, one right on top of the other with little room between, the last of which was just a couple months before he started dating his fiancee. Seeing as though he had been caught trailing me around the web, I didn’t understand why he was pissed off. Then it struck me that maybe he was afraid this, like all his other relationships, would fail too. I’m just spit balling here, of course.What do I know?
In any case, especially as someone who at one time publicly documented her every dating failure oblivious to how bad it made me look, it’s not a bad thing to be cautious about such things. I’d love to post Facebook photos that I take on dates. But I don’t, because I don’t want to have to explain why I suddenly stopped posting pics. When something fails, having to relive it publicly only makes the recovery that much more difficult. I was reading an article yesterday that detailed a woman’s bad date. The whole scenario was identical to several others she has discussed. One or two admissions to failure aren’t so troubling. But if they’re constant, it’s not unreasonable to assume that casual observers might infer that deeper issues are at work that have nothing to do with the other party and everything to do with you.
My point, J, is that this guy just might be hyper-cautious about “going public” so to speak. I think you need to ask him what his true reservations are. It could be that he’s just trying to avoid the harsh judgment and speculation that many of us fear. Or he just doesn’t wish to engage in anything too serious and committed. The only way you’re going to know is if you ask him what’s up.