State: New York
Question: Moxie, I wrote in before with a question regarding my older (8yrs) white boyfriend who was not introducing me to his family/friends. You and your readers suggested that I leave him because this relationship wasn’t going anywhere.
I hung in for another 6 months because I wanted to believe that he would finally do it. In that 6 months time, he did not but on top of that I caught him cheating. I broke up with him and haven’t spoke with him since.
Since Hurricane Sandy he reached out to me and we have been cordial…now he says he is ready to truly committ to me, wants me to meet his family next week (they will be in town for the holidays) and wants to go ring shopping now. He says he has realized how empty his life has been without me and wants me in his life. He wants us to be married within the year (sooner if I agree to move in with him).
I am 50 years old and to be honest the prospects out there of men in who want to settle down are almost nil. It’s been almost 2 years and although I’ve been dating in that time, most men I’ve met just want something casual where I want to settle down.
Am I in love with him….NO, and I’ve told him so. But I do care about him still. He says he will do ANYTHING/EVERYTHING to get me back and show me he is the man I fell in love with 4 years ago (that’s how long we dated). But at this time, I don’t trust him and I don’t know if the love and trust I felt can come back.
Marrying him will afford me a nice lifestyle (big house, fancy cars, vacations, etc), but I want to marry for love and companionship not just financial security. I’m just confused about my feelings, my life, my choices, etc. I don’t want to be writing to you in 5 years regretting not giving him a chance.
Is it really once a cheater always a cheater? Can people really change? Please help!
So, it took him to almost 60 to realize how empty his life was without a partner? Meh. Not buying it. This feels like a case of The Holiday Blues combined with him coming face to face with the reality that he ain’t getting any younger. For me, that’s not a good enough reason to strap yourself in for the rest of your life.
Take a look around. You have settled down. You’re in your fifties, you’ve obviously got a life and a job and a sense of stability. You don’t need a man to settle down. You can take a partner so that you have someone with you on the journey, but the settling down part is on you. And you’ve done it. You’ve gotten this far without a manz.
Date this guy. Enjoy his company. But don’t commit to him because you fear you have no other options left. Even if that’s true, that’s still never a reason to make a life-long commitment to someone.
Will he cheat again? I don’t know. I’ve said before that I don’t feel that the cheating is the real issue and that it’s just an outlier. The real issue is that, by stepping out with someone else, he clearly doesn’t value the commitment he made to you. That’s just another sign of someone’s poor judgment and willingness to make an empty promise. People with these characteristics don’t tend to make the greatest of partners. I don’t believe those people will change at their core. They might not cheat but they’re still the same people. Especially this guy who is knocking on 60 years old. The thinking that drove him to cheat likely won’t change.
Choosing whether or not to be with someone shouldn’t involve this much internal conflict.