If He’s Not Interested, Can You *Make* Him Interested?

Name: Heather
Age: 34
State: California
Question: I went on a first date last night that was 30 minutes of small talk and the a 2 1/2 hour movie. The guy looks like a strong contender for me – we have a lot in common, he’s cute, etc… but I got the impression that he just wanted to go to a movie with someone, not go on a date, although he called it a “first date.”

Anyway, at the end of the night he said something wishy washy about we’ll talk soon blah blah. I told him (with a smile) that I’d really like another date where we can talk instead of just sitting quietly watching a movie, and he said yes, but still wasn’t specific about anything. He gave me an awkward hug and took off.

I would like to see him again, but I’m worried that (for whatever reason), he’s not interested. What’s a way to contact him again that might get him interested? I feel like if I ask for another date he’ll just do that guy fade away thing. Another idea I had was to tell him that if he doesn’t feel a spark we could be friends. I’m new in town and would like to make friends as well as go on dates (and it says so in my online profile).

Anyway, I’m just worried that I might scare him off. Help!

 

You can’t scare off someone who is genuinely interested. If he wants to see you again, he’s not going to change his mind just because you take the initiative and ask him out.

I know you say you’d be okay with being friends, but would you? Really? Even if you were comfortable with that, most guys really don’t have much use for random female friends. As Chris Rock says, these are just women they haven’t slept with yet. The worst thing you can do is to presume to know exactly how they’re feeling or thinking. Don’t email him and tell him, pre-emptively, that if he didn’t feel a spark then you and he could be friends. He’s going to take that as you trying to read his mind and he’ll get annoyed. Plus, you’ll pretty much be setting yourself as f*ck buddy material. He’ll take you up on that offer, and then you’ll hook up, and then he’ll say, “But..you said you were okay with being just friends!” I actually think that “If you just want to be friends, that’s okay” is now code for, “We don’t have to date. I’ll sleep with you any way.”

If you want to see him again, come up with a plan and email him and ask him out. I’ll be honest and say that this situation doesn’t sound promising. The awkward hug and vague mentions of a future date aren’t good signs. Neither is the suggestion of a movie on a first date. You’re right that a movie date is not a good first date idea, and most people know that.

I don’t think there’s any way to “get” him interested. Either he is or he isn’t. Maybe he’s just really shy. In which case contacting him and inviting him out for a drink will put him at ease. But if he just wasn’t feeling it or was just using the site to meet new friends, you might end up on another “date” that goes no where.

I’m thinking that you’re going to have to bite the bullet and ask him out and see what he says.

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26 Responses to “If He’s Not Interested, Can You *Make* Him Interested?”

  1. mari Says:

    I think if he contacts you to go out again, great, if not, time to move on. He does sound wishy washy and begging someone to date you is never a good idea. It sounds like he wasn’t that into you for whatever reason – I suggest moving on and finding someone who is into you (and that you are into as well..). Assume you texted him thanks for the movie the next day..after that, it is his call..

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

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  2. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “What’s a way to contact him again that might get him interested?

    Yeah, there’s nothing you can do or say to “make him” interested but are things you can do, if he is inetersted, to make it easier for him to contact you. After the date, you send him an email/text saying “thank you, I had a great time.”. Then, you wait for him to follow up with you.

    If he doesn’t follow up, he’s not interested “enough” or incompetent and, either way, you move on.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 1

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    • Speedy Says:

      Why would someone follow up that text? What you’ve just written there is a polite brush off.
      You need another line.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        I live in the real, reasonable world. I cannot imagine a guy, in this world, that would reject a woman in whom he was otherwise interested for saying “thank you.” Women don’t need “game,” they just need to be available enough to men who have reasonable impulse controls. Yes, I am suggesting they should not go after a man who, for whatever reason, “needs” more to follow up than a “thank you, great time!”

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  3. Elle Says:

    “Another idea I had was to tell him that if he doesn’t feel a spark we could be friends. I’m new in town and would like to make friends as well as go on dates (and it says so in my online profile).”
    I am not sure if the reason you are interested in this guy is because you actually like him or because you are lonely since you are in a new place. I’ve been there. I really don’t think an online dating site is a good way to make male friends. Quite often, they will think you are looking for a FWB situation. Join Meetup. Attend events that will interest you. And you will start making new friends and get asked out once in a while on dates. Don’t let your loniless get the best of you. If this guy is interested in you, he will call or text by the end of the week and see if you want to go on another date. If not, move on.

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  4. LostSailor Says:

    Movie on a first date? Wishy-washy about getting together again? Awkward hug?

    I’m not sure why you want to be with this guy in the first place.

    but I got the impression that he just wanted to go to a movie with someone

    Trust your instincts on this one. Some guys just can’t go to a movie on their own. I guess they’re embarrassed or something. So they’ll go with anyone. Personally I don’t get it. If I want to see a movie and no one else wants to go, I’m fine going solo. If anyone doesn’t like it, screw em. (Though perhaps the odd looks I got at the My Little Pony Saturday matinee were understandable).

    Don’t chase this guy just out of loneliness. Commenters above are right: if he hasn’t contacted you, he’s not really interested. If you must try again, ask out for something specific on a specific date. If he say he’s busy or otherwise can’t make it, and doesn’t suggest an alternative, he’s not interested. Move on, else it would only end in tears…

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

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  5. offensivedanrebooted Says:

    If he doesn’t contact you again, move on. If a guy wants to see you again he will contact you. Let him do the worlk Same thing for a woman. If she wants to see you again she will say yes to your offer or, if not available, suggest a different time. People that are interested in you will find a way to contact you.

    Don’t get “oneitiis” andw aste time on someone who is not interested. I know it’s hard to believe this, but trust me when I say there are plenty of people–other than this guy– who would like to go out with you.

    Also, it’s a bad sign when a guy suggests a move for the first date. It shows he is not really interested or socially inept.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

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    • Matt Says:

      “Socially inept”? Do the awkward folks in society not deserve to go on dates now? Besides, if the guy suggests the movie and the girl says yes, then what’s the harm?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 4

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        “Socially inept” is a bit harsh, but no, a movie isn’t the greatest first date idea because you can’t really interact and get to know the person. Of course, you could grab drinks ‘n apps afterward to accomplish that if you pick early-ish movie (which it doesn’t sound like the OP did; was the 30 minutes of chitchat before or after the movie? Sounds like before. Quickly skedaddling once the movie’s over = another bad sign).

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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        • Matt Says:

          Well, if a guy suggests a movie, you can always gauge his interest by suggesting another activity. Pick something fairly specific, relatively low-pressure that will allow more interaction. The awkward guy will probably take it, the disinterested guy probably not.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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      • AnnieNonymous Says:

        This isn’t about deserving to go on dates or nor. People have a right to choose what kinds of social interactions they’re setting themselves up for. Dates with socially inept or awkward people aren’t always fun.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      “Oneitis” is one part of “game” I agree with.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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  6. Howard Says:

    He is playing his cards closely to his chest, intentionally or unintentionally. If it sounds familiar, it should be, it’s what most women do. Nothing is wrong with doing that. Some women hate the role reversal, but the shifting of roles is the zeitgeist of our times. I often wonder why people agonize about so little, early in these meet and greets. It is not even relationship time yet. Imagine what awaits if a relationship actually happens. I shudder to even imagine.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

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  7. Marie Says:

    I guess what to do depends on what you are okay and comfortable with. If you like this guy, there’s really no harm in asking him to meet you out again. Just be prepared that he may decline, or he may go on the date, but with the idea that you’ll be friends or FWB.

    The easy assumption is that he isn’t interested, but let’s assume that he is and just shy or awkward. If he’s shy, your asking him out will help move things along. But something to think about is: are you prepared to do the majority of the work in pushing something forward from here? Chances are, if he’s too shy to ask you on a second date, he probably won’t be the one making plans for the date after and I really doubt he’ll be the one to put on the first physical moves. If you’d be okay with taking the reins on this type of stuff, then go for it! Why not?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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  8. D. Says:

    Moxie’s right. If he digs the OP, he’ll respond. If he doesn’t, he’ll ignore her or politely brush her off. If she wants to know where he really stands, ask him out. If he’s interested, he’ll say yes or offer to reschedule (e.g., “I’d love to, but I’ve got plans. how about next Tuesday?”) If he’s not, he’ll ignore her or offer a dodge with no other offer of plans (e.g., “I’d love to, but I’ve got plans. Sorry!”). Either way, she’ll know where he stands and the ball will be in his court.

    I also echo the attitudes of other commenters here. It doesn’t actually sound like the OP is all that into this guy. She barely knows anything about him other than that he’s reasonably attractive, they had a decent 30 min conversation, and he thinks movies are good for first dates (they aren’t, but that’s as may be). The only reason beyond that for her interest to be piqued is because she wants his attention and/or is lonely.

    If the tables were turned and he was consistently paying attention to her, she might have a more “meh” attitude about the guy. This, by the way, is why guys do “feigned indifference” as part of their “game.” It’s because with certain women, it works like a charm. Keep showing interest, and she’s blase about you. Back off some, and it’s like “Hey, how come you stopped paying attention?”

    Recognize when your interest is in the attention of the other person, and when it’s in the other person themselves. After a whopping 30 min of conversation, even if he’s really cute, I find it hard to believe that there’s more of a spark than just “He seemed cool. I wouldn’t mind seeing him again. If not, oh well.” The “How can I make him like me?” feeling sounds more like it’s coming from a mix of loneliness in the new locale, and insecurity about this guy’s apparent lack of interest, rather than genuine “I really felt like we connected.”

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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  9. Heather Says:

    First of all, you ladies are AWESOME.

    I am so incredibly grateful to ATWYSingle for answering my question, and for your intelligent, insightful responses. Thanks to all of you I have decided not to contact this guy again. Heck, he doesn’t know what he’s missing :)

    And many of you are right, I’ve been lonely for awhile. But I’m not going to fix that problem by online dating. I found a meetup group for my hobbies/interests, and I’m going to meet them all in January. I’m also heading back to my hometown for the holidays, being around old friends will really help.

    I am still going to keep my profile up, and go out on dates occasionally, but my main focus will be on getting to know my new town better. For example, I’m really into poetry and live music, and there’s a fantastic weekly music/poetry night in the local coffeehouse here, which is a really friendly place.

    Thanks to all of you for helping me dodge a bullet.

    All the best,
    Heather

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 3

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    • Joe Says:

      Heather, I tell my guy friends all the time when they get fixated on a woman that just move on the world is not going to run out of women. And the same thing is true for women – the world is not going to run out of men. So he wasn’t “feeling it” for you – big deal. The operative word in this scenario is “NEXT!!!”

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Note to people who continuously comment under different usernames:

        Please pick one and stick to it so I don’t have to keep approving your comments. WordPress automatically moderates a comment from an email address/username that is new.It does not flag by IP address.

        Also, if you are commenting under your regular username/email and your comment has been moderated, it’s because I’ve moderated you. Joe is Michael, who was moderate a couple weeks ago. Part of the reason I don’t block/moderate people is that they just do whatever they can to comment any way rather than just leave. It’s a hassle.If you’ve been moderated, it means I don’t want you commenting. Please just accept that.

        Finally, if you can, try to pick a username that isn’t already in use so people don’t attribute your comments to other people.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Thanks, Heather, but we’re not all ladies here…

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

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  10. bill Says:

    This is what happens when you are overly picky once you meet that guy who fits most of your criteria you will do whatever in trying to win his “interest”. If he gives you any sorts of attendtion you will rationalize it as if he likes you a lot and want to spend a lot time with you.

    A year later and you realize your in a FWB relationship, 15 lbs heavier, 5 more wrinkles. And you dont want to get out because you already invested all that time into this FWB relationship.

    Why dont you start dating men who are interested in you instead of squandering your time away on a guy who you will feel crappy.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 6

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    • Matt Says:

      We don’t know he’s not interested. He might just be very shy and awkward.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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      • D. Says:

        Yes, but that begs the question of whether she cares to deal with that. Will a guy who’s shy and awkward give her what she wants in terms of how he communicates his interest? Or would she be a lot happier with a guy who’s more forthcoming about his interest? Ultimately, that’s up to her, but it sounds like she moved on anyway.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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        • Matt Says:

          Well, that’s unfortunate for him, if he is in fact awkward and not good at dating.. No one ever got better at dating by NOT going on dates.

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  11. Titanium Says:

    I’m with DMN. I think a short “thanks for the drinks. I had a fun time last night” message is a good way to let him know you’re interested. Although, I have received such a message only to have the woman turn me down for another date.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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  12. AnnieNonymous Says:

    I agree with everyone else here. If he’s interested, he wouldn’t see anyone wrong with you sending a cute little text to show that you’re still into it. If he’s not interested, you lose nothing by sending one text and finding out for sure. Who cares if you seem annoying at that juncture? He’s already blowing you off.

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