One of the more common questions I receive from female readers is how they can spot the men who are “just” seeking sex. 
My answer is simple. Don’t try and learn how to spot or avoid them. Instead, figure out how to co-exist with them. I also try to enlighten them on the different types of men that fall under the “Just Want Sex” umbrella.
First, there are the Casual Sex Seekers. These are the guys who are looking for a no strings sexual encounter. The classic sign to watch out for, that many women often fall for, is their “refreshing honesty.” They’re the guys who tell you, in the middle of what seems like a perfectly great date, that they’re not looking for anything serious at the moment. They’ll probably go further and tell you how cool/sexy/a-MAH-zing you seem and they feel like they can be honest with you about where they stand. Hear this: this is NOT a compliment. What they’re telling you is that they think you’re okay enough to sleep with, but not date. Many women give guys points for being upfront about what they want and hook up with the guy believing his spiel about how different and unique she is. A man who admits in his dating profile that he’s not looking for anything serious is telling you who he is. Listen. Don’t make the mistake of praising him for being honest. People are supposed to be honest. If his profile is staggeringly offensive, it’s because he genuinely doesn’t care what women think of him. In a bad way. These are the men who will tell you that they think you’d make a great fuck buddy. Again this is not. a. compliment.
Next you have the Casual Relationship Seekers. Don’t be fooled by the label. These men do want a relationship. They just don’t want commitment. These men either don’t wish to agree to exclusivity or don’t have to. On top of that, we have all of the cultural and economic shifts that have played a part in women choosing to go their own way. They, too, don’t have to settle down. Like their male counterparts, they’ve begun to enjoy the benefits of romantic and sexual variety. The downside to this sexual liberation is that the value of sex has decreased in the sexual market place. That means that sex no longer can be used as a viable bargaining chip. For every one woman who chooses to hold out on sex until a man agrees to commit, there’s many others who don’t. Now men have enough options to keep them more than satisfied for the foreseeable future without having to give much up in return.
These men are looking for consistent companionship and sex. How will you be able to spot them? Only by telling them what it is you hope to come from the relationship and asking if he wants the same thing. Even then there are no guarantees that he’ll be honest.
Finally, you have the Long Term Daters. Yes, you heard right. These men actually do want a committed relationship. These guys often get confused with the Casual Sex Seekers because they choose to end the relationship soon after beginning a sexual relationship. Many women choose to believe that sex was what these men were after all along. That’s a much easier pill to swallow than admitting that maybe the man didn’t feel she lived up to his standards in some way.
While being cautious doesn’t necessarily hurt, it can lend to a false sense of security. That’s what gets women into trouble. Focus gets shifted to the innocuous and usually empty gestures. There is no amount of Facebook creeping that will save you from the Pump & Dumper. Just because he pays for all the dates doesn’t mean he’s genuinely interested. A post-coital am text after sleeping together for the first time is usually done because men know women expect that. Much of that stuff is just a means to an end, the end being more sex.
Many women have been programmed by girlfriends to believe that being the victim of a pump a dump is the worst possible thing to happen to a single woman. You know what? That’s a lie. If anything, women need to endure this and various other dating disappointments in order to collect experiences and learn from them. There are no blue ribbons awarded at the end of our lives to the women who were pumped and dumped the least. The best thing a woman could do is tune out all the white noise they hear from friends about having sex too soon and how a man will deem you a slut for it. Have sex when you want to have sex, because you want to have sex. Those are the only rules you should follow. There are plenty of men who won’t judge you for choosing to have sex “too soon.” If they are intimidated by that, then that is about their own ego and personal insecurities. It has nothing to do with you.
The take away here should be that there really is no sure fire way to avoid men “just” looking for sex. If you’re truly afraid of encountering a man who will dump you after you sleep with him, then the only remedy for that is to stay home and never date again.
The real solution is to understand how men think. Accept the premise that men in general do not have expectations about sex other than more sex. And, men will generally always take sex if offered or available, even if they have no special expectations or intentions about the relationship becoming “more.” If you can commit these two points to memory, then you’ll have nothing to fear. You’ll have appropriated your expectations, thereby alleviating the potential for embarrassment or disappointment. What’s the point in having sex if you can’t fully experience and enjoy it?
gg
I think your conclusion is pretty accurate. But I’d go even further and say that very few men are JUST looking for sex, just as not all women are “JUST” looking for a long-term relationship (they couldn’t possibly be, with the frequency with which they dump or reject perfectly good men for no discernible reason, and throw themselves at obviously ill-fated sex-laden trysts).
Oh sure, many men may THINK that’s “all” they want at some particular time, and even may even SAY that, but that doesn’t imply they are actually shut off to a LTR if they become sufficiently interested in a woman they are “just screwing”.
It’s actually almost nonsensical to place any man in a “JUST looking for sex” category, unless he has somehow resolved to never be in a long term relationship, ever, and somehow magically binds his future self to abide by this.
Think about it: even if a man intends not to enter into a LTR “for a while,” how do you know when that “while” comes to to an end? He doesn’t know when and you don’t either. And guess what: it’s overwhelmingly likely to come to an end when he meets someone that sparks the LTR interest, not because he wakes up one morning and declares he wants an LTR, with no discernible prospects around (this has happened to me numerous times; I find it to be the rule, not the exception).
That doesn’t mean if you are gunning for an LTR that you should stick with a guy that persistently shows the sort of signs Moxie related, and where the guy demonstrates no long term value over time.
But it is very easy to be overactively looking for that “just sex” bogeyman and find him lurking in every dark relationship corner, because, what do you know, men are generally interested in sex! Since it is easy to observe the sex-interestness but harder to gauge the LTR-interest (and arguably, its impossible to know early on), this “misdiagnosis” seems to happen a lot.
A good rule of thumb seems to be not to stick with someone if you aren’t enjoying the capacity in which you’re spending time together. Eventually, expectations diverging will be a problem, but it’s really bad practice to impose expectations early on, as this will cause continual relationship defeat by overthinking things.
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The implied text of this post implies that women are NOT looking for sex. They are looking for a relationship and will use sex as necessary to get one.
Is that any worse or better than what men do/want? Why the judgmental tone of this post? Why the self-righteous shrill note women seem to think their right when they do, in reality, judge a species different from themselves?
Where are the men’s voices in this debate?
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It’s not the women aren’t interested in sex, but that many, if not most, women tend to view it differently than men do. Women in general hate the idea of “being used” for “just” sex. But they often fall back on that “explanation” when relationships involving sex with men don’t work out, no matter how long the duration. Outside of an obvious one-night-stand, after then end of a relationship falling back into the comfort of “he was just using me for sex” allows a woman to put blame elsewhere, obviating the need of any closer self-examination. Unfortunately, like an palliative, if used too much, it becomes toxic.
But I think Moxie has nailed it in this post. The majority of single men are in the middle group, with some shading more toward the first group and some shading toward the third group. And those percentages change for each man as he ages.
But all of them want sex, if they can get it. That’s just a baseline. It won’t necessarily determine the course of a relationship by itself, most times. Men also want a woman who is pleasant and fun to be around, not too demanding but not a doormat, someone with a good sense of humor and who is interested in him.
It’s really not that complicated. But women tend to get wrapped up in the sex part and don’t really look at the other parts. And then blame it on “sex” when the other necessary parts of a relationship fail…
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