Name: Anna
Age: 27
Question: I need help and I am not sure if anyone else has this kind of problem. I recently lost 65 pounds, and everyone tells me I look great. I have met people in person and through OKC and all is well until they find out my little secret – that I carry the skin of my former fat self wherever I go. I hide flabby skin on my arms and stomach underneath cute clothes and attempt to lead a normal life! I love fashion and wearing whatever I want has never been more fun. To guys, i look like just another pretty girl. BUT, Getting intimate is tough because my body has been through a battle.
And it isn’t pretty.I met with a plastic surgeon who said all of the skin would have to be cut off which would leave huge knotty scars down my arms and across my stomach… Plus it would be outrageously expensive. No matter how much I work out, this skin will never go away or tone up- it’s beyond that point (according to the docs).
How will I ever get anyone to love the new me if I can’t escape my old fat suit? Do i warn guys? It is not right to lead them on, right? Please help me!!!!
A few years ago, I remember reading a post written by a spectacularly douchey guy whining about how a woman he had met online, that he traveled a few hours to meet, turned out to have extra skin due to a recent weight loss related surgical procedure. He was oh so offended that the woman “made” him drive all this way only to end up “having breasts like pillow cases. He had sex with her anyway, of course. But he made sure to run to his blog like a 16 year old girl and bitch about this massive deception. He wouldn’t explicitly tell anybody in the blog post what had transpired. Instead, he did what most flaming attention whores do and suggested people write him individually to hear the full story in all its gory detail.
I share this little tale because, sadly, people like this actually exist. Telling Anna that the right guy won’t mind and will love her for who she is would be as damaging as the blog post that guy wrote. PS? The girl he was discussing knew about his blog and could read his cruel and self-absorbed words. Talk about wanting maximum impact. Anna is right that some men will be angry that she never revealed her not at all uncommon situation. They will feel duped. But what they’ll really feel is shame. That male blogger was so full of self-hatred for sleeping with this woman that he projected all of it onto her. People do this. It doesn’t stop after high school they way we’ve been led to believe.
Anna, get the surgery. The money spent will be worth it. Do it over time if that’s the only way you can afford it. Ask your parents for a loan. I bet if your parents have the money, or even if they don’t, they’ll do whatever they can to help you through this. You should also talk to a therapist to help you come to terms with the “new you.” You’ve been through a major physical and psychological transformation. Anyone in such a position should seek counseling to help them with the transition. Take a proactive role in solving this. That’s going to help alleviate some of your psychological discomfort. But before you do that, you have to let go of the shame you carry with you. If you can do that successfully, you may not even need the surgery because you’ll have accepted yourself as is. Whether you get the procedure or not, this step is crucial. We all have secrets and things we’re ashamed of that keep us stuck. Some of us carry these scars externally, some carry them internally. But we have them. There really is nothing more detrimental to successfully forming emotional/physical connections than shame. It weighs you down and keeps you in the constant state of fear and anxiety. What if they find out? What if they judge me? What if they learn I’m a mess?
I can’t concisely express how liberating it is to get to a place in your life where you don’t give a shit what people think about you. Okay, so you were overweight. So what? Lots of people are overweight. You did something about it. That’s an accomplishment for which you should be proud. The extra skin you carry can be removed. It’s not permanent. The scars can be treated. And even if they’re still visible, I’ll bet any amount of money that you will be far more aware of them than others who see you naked.
As for how to handle things in the interim, just explain to men – before things get physical – that you recently lost a lot of weight. You don’t have to paint a graphic picture. Just let them know what to expect when they see you undressed. Do I think that disclosure is a must? Yes, because those men deserve the option of deciding if that’s something they wish to deal with or not. Truth? Not every man will accept it. That’s why you need to choose your partners wisely. If a man seems particularly shallow, then he’s probably not someone you should let in on your little secret. Emotional scars take much longer to heal than physical ones. I can state with confidence that many guys have already dealt with this in some way or another. In fact, I think this is more common than you think. Even men suffer from it.
When my Ex, J, and I started dating last fall, he took forever getting all his clothes off the first time we slept together. It was clear that there was something he was trying to obstruct from my view. I didn’t push the issue. One morning, about 2 weeks after we started dating, he was in the bathroom shaving. I knocked and asked to pop in because I needed to brush my teeth. He had just gotten out of the shower and didn’t have his shirt on. He let me in and,for the first time, I saw his bare back under the light. He had a series of bumps and scars all over his back. He explained that he had begun taking prescribed medication about a month before we had met and had had a serious allergic reaction to it. Obviously, he was self-conscious about it. Was it jarring to see at first? Yes. But pretty soon I stopped seeing it. It didn’t make me want him any less, or hug him any less close when we’d sleep, or not want to scratch his back as we lay on his couch watching TV. If anything, the revelation made me feel closer to him.
It’s hard to open ourselves up like that. But when we do we usually learn that the thing we were so ashamed of, to other people, really aren’t that big of a deal. We just build them up in our heads for so long that they seem that way.
I think this is some very well-weighted and considered advice.
Careful Moxie, there is a risk we might think you are a nice person or something (well, it is Christmas).
I think there are other reasons for mentioning it first as well.
Firstly, you’re dealing with the awkwardness and the fear of awkwardness and that whole hall of mirrors. Knock that nonsense on the head, simplify things and move on. Keep your shoulders level, your chin up, make eye contact and speak clearly (I mean this literally, practice it if there is a risk you’ll slump and mumble and stare at the floor). You’ve got not nothing to feel ashamed of and make you sure they know you know that. Secondly, while it won’t mean anything to the shallow guy or someone who isn’t that into you (I’m not going to lie there), with someone who likes you, why the hell would you throw away the credit for doing something a lot of people just wish they could do? It speaks to several attractive personal qualities. As you say, your body has been through a bit of a battle but this is all honourably earned. You deserve the positive frame here because it happens to be the truth.
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Cautiously seconding Moxie’s advice. Given that the OP is only 27, she’ll have plenty of time to enjoy her “new” self.
The only thing I’d ad is this: Don’t go cheap if you go for it. Do the research and get someone that’s really talented at that sort of thing. Don’t be afraid to ask pointed questions and for references of patients and certifications. It will make all the difference in the world. Don’t go to someone just because you have a coupon. I have two medium scars. One scar from a clinic looks pretty rough. The second is twice as big but done by a skilled surgeon. It’s barely noticeable.
Cut-rate cosmetic surgery isn’t worth the money and should be avoided at every turn. Good luck and congrats on the life change either way.
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A really good thoughtful reply here from Moxie & others. Ok now how to quantify this? Look around any crowded room. Now count off the people, 1,2, 3, 4. Bingo. If the crowd is of average age and composition, one of the folks you’ve encountered has some sort of disability, or has some chronic health condition that limits their daily life somehow. It’s that simple. None of us are perfect. Some of our ‘imperfections’ are more tolerable than others with some training, retraining or the tolerance and acceptance of yourself and others.
Now many folks really don’t begin to think about this unless & until it either happens to them or to someone they know & love. But all around you, folks are enduring and suffering from similar problems or much worse. (And, Hell we’ve not even broached the topic of psychiatric disabilities or the ever persistent psychological and common compatibility issues that will naturally take their toll, like depression that’s fairly common too).
So look towards that doddering old soul and much decorated WWII vet who despite heroically losing an arm in battle, continued to smoke, and was proud of the fact that he could light a match with one hand? Of course he died of lung complications. At 88, he was married for 58 years: Sen. Daniel Inouye (D, HI):
http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2012/12/daniel-inouye-long-serving-hawaii-senator-and-war-hero-is-dead-at-88/266391/
Both he and former Sen. Bob Dole have suffered & endured their losses for over 65 years. They successfully overcame many of the natural obstacles in their careers, but the loss/disability of their limbs was/is always with them.
So this is what’s so amazing about all of this; you’re going into something where you can & might reveal all this. But know that the future is uncertain, and that you can and might typically experience things far far worse too. Here, the skin will likely come back to some sort of ‘accommodation’ and adjustment with time and the right sort of exercises. So will you. Even without the expensive and extensive surgery. Acceptance and a better understanding of your capabilities for renewal as well as natural limitations might help too.
So it may sound ‘bad’ at the moment? But for many dudes, if all the other parts are in decent working order, and you’re doing your best to present a reasonably attractive picture to the world? It’s a relatively minor item. If the OP wanted to, she might get some mileage out of also claiming to have a ‘clothing’ fetish, in that she needs/wants/desires some articles of clothing to be present in order to ‘better enjoy the experience’. Which may not be ‘the whole truth’, but it also may make you feel more comfortable before you can become more accustomed to your new shape. If you’re feeling better & more comfortable and secure, your potential mate/partner will too. It’s all about good feelings & transferring that along, right? Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
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This will probably be less well received than the other comments thus far, but you might take some solace in this- knowing what I know about the internet, I feel confident that someone read the OP and thought “Extra skin? That’s HOT.”
Or, to put it in less crass terms, you might not be able to see it yourself right now, but there very well might be someone who sees you as beautiful, imperfections and all.
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OP- Have you worked out at all? if you still have a lot of jiggly skin then you lost weight way too fast and you didnt match it in the gym with weights. If someone properly diets and exercises with weights then your body composition will change significantly. When muscle is being added as fat is being shedded then you dont get that flabby skin. And by the way, an elliptical and treadmill will not do anything to change your body composition. You need to do basic compound weight lifting movements beginning with your own body weight and then progressing to weights.
Thats the way it should have been done. But before resorting to surgery, do some weight training and tighten those body arts up. It is worth a shot. There are many many female bloggers out there who have weight training and diet blogs dedicated to women. Many of them were overweight in their before and after pictures and now they look awesome. SO do some research and find the lady fitness bloggers who preach things like squatting, lunging, pullups, pushups. They are out there and many of them consult. Do surgery as a last resort.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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John, Please get your facts straight. You are entirely wrong. No matter at what pace you lose weight, there are limits to skins elasticity. The extra skin was inevitable as soon as she reached a certain size. You are doing everyone a real disservice by blaming the woman who put in the hard work and did the best that is possible here.
I’ve introduced many women to strength training and cannot agree enough with the many benefits for everyone of strenuous training involving heavy weights and compound lifts. That being said, there is nothing to be done for the loose skin but surgery.
Anna, congratulations on your weight loss. Get the surgery. Whatever small scars remain will be battle scars and scars from fights you win are cool.
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Hammers.
I think you are the one who doesnt have the facts right. The extra skin was not inevitable as soon as she reached a certain size. There are plenty of women with before and after pictures who did weight training while simultaneously losing weight. You are clearly someone who doesnt read fitness blogs of women who documented their transfomation from obese to actually pretty hot. And the pics are bathing suit pictures so nothing is hidden. No surgery. Just a solid game plan to lose weight the proper way.
Maybe at this point it is too late to get rid of the hanging skin. But that is so drastic and trying the weights first should be given a fair shot. But to say that once someone reaches a certain weight they are forever doomed to hanging skin if they do lose weight is downright wrong.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Everyone, and everyones skin, is different. Some peoples skin tolerates weight loss better than others. I agree losing 65 pounds over 3 years might be less prone to issues than losing it over 6 months, but what’s done is done.
I read plenty of fitness blogs, and I’ve certainly seen cases where the loose skin was not an issue. In this case it is an issue. Blaming her for losing weight “incorrectly” seems incredibly counterproductive and unkind since you don’t know how long it took her to lose the weight and you also can’t be sure that if she did exactly what you said she wouldn’t have ended up with loose skin anyway.
I didn’t say that anyone who gets 65 pounds overweight will end up with loose skin, I said that this particular person was,more or less, inevitably going to get some loose skin at that point. What works for one person doesn’t always work for another.
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Watch the Crossfit games sometimes. You’ll see some incredibly strong and talented female athletes who nonetheless have a fair amount of skin on their belly because they’ve had children.
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You all are engaging in a discussion that misses the point of this story. However, just to complete this irrelevant discussion, there are limits to how much the skin can take even though a gradual weight loss with weight training will improve the “looseness” of one’s skin.
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I think the advice is way off the mark.
A person is telling she is uncomfortable with the way she looks, and you tell her to go fix herself because the world is full of assholes? Guess what: the asshole will make fun of her scars, once she gets surgery. That’s what assholes do. And she will end up hating the scars, always moving the focus of her dissatisfaction on a new thing to “fix”.
Anna’s condition is something common, that many people who lost weight experience, and it is both physical *and* psychological. I know four of these women, and all of them have been advised against surgery, by *surgeons*, because they all agreed on the following points: it’s not a quick nip and tuck, it is indeed an invasive procedure, and the results are going to be way less than pretty. And it is bloody expensive.
For the OP: your body has changed substantially. Getting used to your new self and your new image, especially since it is not “perfect” will take some more work, unfortunately. My advice is to get some focused therapy/counselling: CBT might be your quickest option, but psychotherapy might address the problem from an holistic point of view. What’s most important in your case is that can then work on learning to adjust your body image to your new self, and you can also discuss the option of surgery in a prospective that puts *you* and what you really want in the center.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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And she will end up hating the scars
Facts not in evidence. A lot of people have been very happy with their plastic surgery. The writer Anne Rice has said she loves the results she’s gotten from not one but two face lifts.
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I’m sure the big piles of money that Anne Rice has helps to cheer her up.
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I did not have time to read through all the comments so this might have already been mentioned. I am just throwing this out as a possibility to consider, is it possible that in your own head your skin looks much worse than it really would appear to others. I have known people who lost 65 pounds and they had stretch marks but not extra skin. Women on the whole are so hard on themselves. Perhaps YOU might be the only one who really sees what you believe is extra skin. If you have a truly trusted friend who will tell you the truth, you might be surprised that the extra skin appears only to you. I realize that every body is different and maybe you really do have extra skin but it is also quite possible that you are seeing something that is not there for anyone else to see. I
Congratulations on your 65 pound weight loss and I wish you all the very best and hope that you continue on the path of healthy living.
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27? Give it time. Your skin is HIGHLY elastic at that age. And the advice about adding muscle is a good one. Worried about your arm flab? Get some good, ropey triceps, lady. Strong is the new skinny.
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I second this opinion. 65 lbs is awesome, but I’m finding it hard to imagine there’s so much loose skin that won’t in part spring back, but would also be helped with some muscle tone. Check out Crossfit, seriously. It’s been a godsend for me, and after the first few weeks of constantly achy muscles, I have more muscle tone and strength than I’ve ever had. Also, I feel great about my body! Once you’ve spent a year doing consistent strength training, reassess how you feel, and if you still think the skin is holding you back, get several opinions. One doctor’s opinion is not enough.
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Krismae,
I am with you on this one. Ignore Hammers comments. You and I know the benefits of body transformation through hard Crossfit workouts that dont involve silly cardio machines. Good for you for giving the OP hope from a female’s perspective that she isnt doomed to a life of hanging skin without surgery,
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Crossfit workouts are excellent, but will work best in conjunction with longer duration exercise. A typical cross fit workout is 20-25 minutes absolute tops. Cross fit alone is not going to do it for people who are significantly overweight. Cardio machines are not “silly”. While crossfit is great, it’s not possibly to perform at that level of intensity for the necessary time.
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Hammers,
Cardio is the wrong thing to do if you are a woman and want to get a good physique and lose weight. Here is an excerpt from one of the ladies from GirlsGoneStrong. Her name is Nia Shanks. If you want to lose fat and want a nice female body then here’s an idea…follow the routines of women who have done exactly that.
http://beautifullyhardcore.com/2011/11/7-reasons-why-women-should-strength-train/
2) Build the body you really want.
Hours of cardio every week is not the best way to build a lean and strong body. Most women want to slim down; they want lower levels of body fat and feminine curves. Unfortunately when most women decide to start exercising, they automatically start doing hours of cardio each and every week. If they do “strength train”, it usually consists of machines or dumbbell exercises with very light weight for high reps.
If you want to shed body fat, build some rockin’ feminine curves and look better in (and out of) your clothes, then you need to lift weights (barbells, dumbbells, your bodyweight, kettlebells, etc) and get stronger.
Check out this video of me and my Girls Gone Strong crew. Every lady in this video has amazing shoulders, arms, midsections, butts, and legs. These bodies were built from barbell exercises like snatches, cleans, squats, deadlifts, presses, and bodyweight exercises such as push-ups, parallel bar dips, pull-ups, and kettlebell training.
Don’t listen to the cardio queens; strength training is how you build a strong, healthy, and lean body
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Okay. It’s starting to feel like a Crunch Gym commercial up in here. We get it, folks. You’re all gym rats who work out a lot.
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> We get it, folks. You’re all gym rats who work out a lot.
I frankly find gym rats to be sad…. and prefer having a life outside the gym.
I don’t know about some of these other folks, but IMO it’s about approaching diet/exercise intelligently using the latest science; not trying to “kill yourself fit” by trying to be Ahhhnold (I personally get better results now working out every 7-10 days than when I was a “gym rat”).
Surgery is really, really not to be done lightly, and if the OP might be able to benefit by trying some smartly-tailored muscle-building/toning routines, she should try it.
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Why the term “gym rat”? lol. I hear that a lot. what does it mean to be a gym rat? I personally love the gym, and have really benefitted from working out at least 6 times a week – with weights. And it’s true…doing just cardio and light weights is a waste of time. One needs to convert the fat to muscle–so when they are sedentary – they are still burning calories.
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You can’t convert fat to muscle.
It is true that lifting hard is better for body shape than cardio, which as the name implies is good for you heart and lungs (which in turn does nothing much else for you). It is a shame that so many overweight women waste their time on cardio when they want to lose flab, it is also a shame that there is a widespread idea that somehow if you lift heavy weights you might wake up the next morning looking like the incredible hulk when you won’t. Most men who want that don’t make it even with syringes filled with all kinds of crap and, bluntly, a pair of balls (vitamin T as they call it) its funny women think it might happen to them by accident.
I don’t really believe increased muscle tone would much difference here either though.
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I don’t believe that a woman that lifts weights is going to get bulky at all. All she will be is very toned, and with a proper diet, she can get nice definition, smaller waist – shapely legs, etc. And eventually weights can increase and still no “hulk effect” would occur. I guess ignorance is bliss as they say. Those zumba classes are a joke. Are they fun? Sure. You dance a bit, it’s a goof, and you get a little cardio. But in general, as usual…it’s a phase, and it doesn’t do much for you. I guess it’s better than sitting on the couch eating potatoe chips. It’s something.
Don’t know why some women don’t see the importance of weight training…especially when they hit their late 30′s to 40′s – when bone density is of importance.
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Cardio machines are not silly. Cardio is absolutely vital for true fitness. Exercise just for vanity and looking good is hollow and not healthy. You need regular, vigorous exercise for your heart and lungs and cardio is the answer for that. And strength training. And flexibility. Not just muscles for show.
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Doesn’t really work that way. if it’s a problem 6 months later, it’s not going to get much better on it’s own.
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Fit, toned girls are way sexy, in my honest opinion. Showing me a little bicep is just as good as side-boob.
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Oh, and check out Mark Sisson…! He’s great about this stuff. http://www.marksdailyapple.com/how-to-get-rid-of-excess-skin-after-major-weight-loss/#axzz2FVi2INvZ
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Congrats Anna. Sound advice from all the other posters including getting some therapy, some weight training and not going cheap when it comes time for the surgery. A possible solution to the scarring caused by the surgery would be to get some body art that incorporates the scar tissue. I know a friend of mine who after her open heart surgery got a tattoo around the scar of a rose complete with stem, petals and thorns. It was beautifully done and made the scars virtually unnoticable. Now she already had a few tats so not a biggy for her but it might give you some peace of mond. Just a suggestion.
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First, get a personal trainer to see the maximum improvement you can do on your own – because at 27, your skin is indeed very elastic. And then, definitely get a second and even possibly a third opinion from two other plastic surgeons. Do your research on good surgeons, and when you go into the meeting, MAKE SURE TO REQUEST before and after pictures of their work. I had a rhinoplasty and did tons of research on surgeons before I went to my appointments. BELIEVE ME when I say you HAVE to get a second opinion. So many scars does not sound realistic.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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First, I want to say that most guys who are really worthwhile will look past your imperfections. We all have them. I dated a girl for a long time who had had a kid, and put on a lot of weight (too much, probably), then when she lost it, she had saggy boobs. C’est la vie. She was smokin’ hot otherwise. I got used to this “impefection” quickly and no longer even noticed, and thinking back, I had actually forgotten about it totally. Such imperfections are not even something that remain in your mind with your image of a person if there is any meaning to the relationship.
That said, if it’s an issue for you, it’s probably worth trying to put on some muscle and possibly convert some of the remaining bodyfat. Not only might adding muscle “tone you up” to a helpful extent, it might change your hormone balance to help melt off some of that “loose skin”.
(Ron Brown is in my view correct (http://www.bodyfatguide.com/LooseSkin.htm); after rapid weight loss, much of that “loose skin” is predominantly just areas where there is a thin layer of stubborn fat, which is still having a hormonal effect that causes it to self-preserve.)
But assuming that there is so much you can do with this method (in a reasonable time), you should also consult with a few surgeons, and also see a psychiatrist to make sure you come to terms with your own imperfections.
I actually went through a similar experience, by the way. After losing about 15% of my body weight in fat, I ended up having a significant “man boob” problem that would not go away (it was glandular, not fat, per se). I had done all I could do through getting lean, so I got the surgery and have never looked back. To me it was giving myself “what I deserved” for my hard work in getting in shape.
There are some scars but they do fade over time.
Obviously this is not comparable in extent to what you experienced, but to me it was worth it, and was one of the best decisions I made in my life.
Now, a friend of mine had this done as well, and his surgery was much more extreme than mine (he had to have his nipples moved). He has unmistakably visible, prominent scars, but he still feels it was one of the best decisions he ever made.
You’ll have to come to your own conclusion after weighing all the factors.
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I agree with Moxie – get the skin removal surgery. Yes, there will be scars, but they’ll be far less noticeable than the extra skin. And the OP will feel much better about herself. Think of it as the lesser of two evils for lack of a better term. Then each guy will have to decide for himself whether he cares or not after she reveals her history.
I once dated a woman who had breast reduction surgery before we met. She had some pretty serious scars on her breasts as a result – one under each breast and one from the nipple down the front of each. She warned me about it before disrobing the first time, and you know what? After the first few times we made love, I didn’t even notice them anymore. Naked titties are naked titties and I’ll take ‘em any way I can get ‘em, ya dig? What made that particular woman fun to date and fondly memorable was the times we had with our clothes on – those are the occassions with the OP that will matter most to a guy who truly cares for her.
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Anna, just be you and find someone who will accept you as you are. You will find a guy with a great heart and have no expectations of what you look like. I am dating a girl who had breast cancer. When we dated, she had body issues cause of her 3 kids. Then she had a double masectomy in the third month of dating. They cut her up and did some plastic surgery. Scars were very pronounced. Anyway, I love her and did leave her side. Cause whoever she was on the inside was always going to be there. And I reassured her the scars didn’t hange how I felt about her. Use this as an opportunity to find the right man.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I’m assuming Simon meant that he *didn’t* leave her side.
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thanks! didn’t catch the typo!
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Simon: Wow…where do I find myself a man like that?! Is there a website I can order one of those?! lol. Seriously? I don’t have any scars, and am athletic…but finding someone that is not shallow (in NYC) is like hitting the lottery. And mind you…I do play to win — buy my ticket very often. Seldomly do you find a man that is actually interested on what lies beneath the surface. She’s a lucky girl. Some are lucky in love as they say.
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Anna, there may or may not be a way to reduce, if not eliminate, the extra skin through diet and working with weights, but it is a long process that would require a consistent commitment, even without the guarantee of completely solving the problem.
The platitudes of “just be yourself and the right guy will come along” aren’t really helpful. Yes, you should be yourself, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take what steps you can to directly deal with the problem.
Surgery may be a good option, assuming you have a very good surgeon who can minimize scarring, and i agree you should seek some therapy before deciding to take this course. It’s not a step to be taken lightly.
In the meantime, I would suggest not rushing into intimate relations until you are comfortable with the guy and I would also be upfront about the problem before you get naked and frisky. Some guys will care; they’re not worth your time. But many guys won’t care. Whether they’re down for a long-term thing or not isn’t going to depend on the particular problem, but will depend on you and your attitude.
A while back I dated a woman who had numerous abdominal scars from surgery (not weight related) years before. She didn’t mention them until frisky time was underway, and she mentioned that she had been concerned that the scars would be a turn-off. I replied, quite honestly, that I couldn’t care less about the scars. And fun was had by all.
The point is, do what you can or need to do to address your own feelings toward this problem, while at the same time, look for men of good character who couldn’t care less about the problem. It’s your attitude that will make all the difference…
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I went out with a woman who had lost the weight and had the skin surgery. She went out of country to do it and paid 1/3 of what it would have cost in the states. She had a scar that circumnavigated her lower torso and I thought it was a unique tattoo. So the first time we had sex I said “cool ink,” and she laughed and told me it was a scar. Because of her situation, she looked super hot in clothes and despite the surgery was still quite “slushy” when nude. However, I did not mind, because she was super cool and sexy and we had a great time together. Nonetheless, despite her coolness and my non-issue of her body, she still dumped me. Turns out she was still ambivalent about her X-fiancee and, when he popped back in the picture, I was as useful as yesterday’s newspaper. Which proves, you can fix a woman on the outside, but nothing can fix her on the inside
Hot debate. What do you think?
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First, to the letter-writer: congratulations on the new you! I’m working hard to lose a lot of weight and every time I read stories where people succeed at their battles, it heartens me a bit. Thank you for the much-needed pick-me-up this morning!
Second – I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with a lot of the people here. It may make your life a little harder to do it my way, but I think it will be worth it. I say: leave it like it is. If you’re otherwise comfortable with your extra skin and if you’re not experiencing any actual medical problems from it, I say leave it alone.
Could it mean that you run into douchebags that will throw you aside because you’ve got a little extra flab? Sure. But that just lets you know up front that they’re douchebags and not worth your time or emotional investment. Letting the guys you’re going out with know up front that you’ve had a successful weight loss along with a few unexpected side effects will help you find the guys who really don’t care as much about your extra skin as they do about you. That’s the kind of man (and woman) every woman (and man) should be on the lookout for: someone who doesn’t care about your appearance as much as they care about who you are as an individual.
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Annoyed Elephant: Wow…finding that type of man (in Manhattan) seems impossible. So many shallow men out there. Even in their 40′s!….god forbid you are not 20 or 30 years old. That alone – will have 40+ men walking in the other direction. Seriously. But I agree. Beauty is skin deep – but ugly is down to the core. You can’t fix an ugly soul with any type of surgery.
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I would also say do the surgery if it will not put you into serious debt. Debt is a factor to consider in this economy. You have to love yourself regardless. Some have gone to extremes with plastic surgery and still do not love themselves.
I’m happy to look good in my clothes.
Its good to know that some men will over look some flaws. I have had 2 sections and a hysterectomy. It gets annoying to hear how women believe they need to be picture perfect to be accepted by a man who typically has quite a few flaws himself.
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One of the reasons sex is so intimate is because we all have these insecurities, be they about weight, flabbiness, penis size, tightness of vagina, awkward cuddling persona, orgasmic noises, hairline, tendency to sweat, tendency to cry, whatever. Yes, self-awareness and self-improvement are important. But we should also prioritize becoming very comfortable with one’s partner—investing time and energy into getting to know that person—before jumping into physical intimacy.
I have an autoimmune disease that makes most of my legs, stomach, and back blotchy and scabby. I talked to my boyfriend about the disease after our first few dates, because fighting it has been a major part of my life and will continue to be so. He took it in stride and revealed his own (complicated) medical history to me. We’re both self-confident people, so it wasn’t like “I have to warn you about something bad”—these things came out naturally as we were getting to know each other. Our relationship became sexual six weeks after we met. By that point, we felt so safe with each other that none of our medical or body-image issues mattered. There was no question of “Do I warn him/her?” because we had already revealed our insecurities and been accepted for them.
In my humble opinion, that’s how it should be. I hope Anna finds such a relationship.
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Anna,
This is a tough thing to grapple with. I lost 100+ lbs and struggle(d) with similar thoughts. I felt like when I was overweight…guys knew what they would find once my clothes were off. After the weight loss, I was very concerned about the excess skin especially on my arms. I waited a couple of months before I even told my first post weight loss boyfriend about the weight loss. He could tell there were parts of my body I was insecure about but never admitted it if he could tell that I had lost so much weight before I mentioned it.
I’ve since had a breast lift, brachioplasty and a lower body lift. Please do a ton of research if you decide to take this path. The lower body lift in particular is serious surgery. I’m glad I made the choice to have surgery. However, it really doesn’t eliminate my concerns the first time I take my clothes off with a new partner. I don’t usually tell them ahead of time and honestly find the post weight loss plastics tougher to disclose than just the weight loss. The scars on my arms and bikini line are significant. The breast lift was the least pain and scarring of the 3 procedures and I have to admit the best results of the 3. I don’t tell new partners ahead of time…can’t say if that is the right or wrong way to handle it or not.
Congrats on your weight loss and best of luck.
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Aw, for god’s sake! Really? TELL someone before you have sex to – WATCH OUT! You have flab? I can’t believe what I am reading. I have stretch marks from pregnancy, flabby skin from that and an illness, and yet , somehow, someway I’ve managed to have relationships and a marriage! Miracles happen! Men still wanted to be with me regardless that I was not “perfect”. Oh yeah, they weren’t either. And nobody ever “warned” one another that they – gasp – have some scars. Sounds like LIFE happened to me and the men I have had in it. I guess I should have had serious surgery instead of spending my money traveling the world!
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She’s not referring to flab. She’s referring to excess skin that accumulates after a sizeable weight loss. Google it so that you can write an informed comment instead of some I am Woman Hear Me Roar rant. The skin looks like baggy panty hose, not just a roll of flab. The scars she’s referring to are not localized, like ones received by a surgery. They would be all over her arms, breasts, stomach.
Someone who meets you and knows you have children expects to see stretch marks. If you have excess flab, men will see that when you’re fully clothed. They aren’t expecting you to look a certain way undressed. In this woman’s case, with her clothes on, men have a certain expectation of her body that is not reflected when she takes off her clothes.
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