Question: I am a thick girl (size 14). I know it.I know it’s not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t particularly like it myself, but that’s my own issue to work on.
In my OKCupid profile, I have posted one face shot and 2 full body shots so that guys can get an idea of what they’re getting into. In the body type section of my profile, it reads, “A little extra.” I’m really trying to avoid any feelings of deception or bait and switch that I’ve so often heard reported from guys.
I get a fair amount of emails from men on the site. The last one I went out with seemed a good match, and we had a good email exchange before he asked me out. On the day we were to go out, I was reviewing his profile and noticed in his questions and answers some response that indicated that (over)weight would be an issue or deal breaker for him. Ugh. I almost wanted to call off the date then. But I went ahead with it, trying to be optimistic. I felt it went well, we extended just drinks into a comedy show afterwards, but I never heard from the guy again. Can’t say I was surprised. I realize that there could be some self-fulfilling/defeating prophecy in play, since I don’t like me being fat either, so there’s self-esteem issues at play. But it’s probably more likely he doesn’t like fatties (hey, at least I’m not in denial).
Since then, every time I’ve gotten an email, I go read the man’s Q&A to see if he’s answered something related to a woman’s weight. And almost every time, he has indicated that he’s not interested in someone overweight and it’s a deal breaker.
So why are they contacting me? It could be I’m not as large as they consider to be “too big.” Maybe they didn’t really read my profile or look at all my pics and just thought I had a cute face so they wrote. Maybe they think I’m desperate, ergo an easy lay.
What should I do with these emails? Should I ignore them completely? Should I respond and point out that we are likely not compatible? Or respond as if I didn’t see what I saw and meet if/when they suggest it?
It could be I’m not as large as they consider to be “too big.”
Bingo. Surprising, right? That’s the problem with answering too may of those OKC questions. People can misinterpret your answers. Many people tend to project their insecurities on to others.
I did the same thing you did when reviewing profiles of men. I used to looked at their questions to see how they answered the questions about weight. Also like you, I was hesitant to contact them or meet up with them. But if these men are emailing you, and you have full body shots, and you list your body type as “a little extra” then the majority of these men like your body. Side note: change that body type to Average pronto. Size 14 is average. You are not obligated to throw yourself under the bus for these random dudes. You’re way too self-aware in this regard. Okay, we get it. You’re not a size 6. You’re not a criminal or hiding some dark past.No, you shouldn’t point out to a man that you fear you and he aren’t compatible. Most men don’t appreciate being told how they feel or think. Plus that will just make you seem insecure.
Don’t assume that that guy didn’t want to see you again because of your body. The one and done date is a staple of online dating. Just like women who like to craft “how to” tutorials on why their relationship works based on isolated experiences that prove nothing, you’re trying to rationalize why these men aren’t asking you out again. You’re making illogical leaps based on no concrete data other than a tape you choose to play over and over in your head.
Trust me. They looked at your photos. Yes, it could be that these men prefer women with a little more junk in the trunk. That doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t date them. There are blonde fetishists, red head fetishists…all kinds. Some men like women really thin. Some men like women with a little extra. Don’t automatically go to that place in your head where you wonder if you’re being duped in some way. You’re the one labeling yourself a “fattie.” That right there speaks to how you see yourself. Don’t take it upon yourself to decide why these men are responding or how they will react. That’s not your job. Could some of these men be looking to use you? Yep. But you’re never going to learn the difference between them and guys who aren’t unless you meet and interact with them.
So why are they contacting me?
Got big boobs and an ample ass? There’s a guy for that. Trust me. Size 14 isn’t as big as you think. Would it be easier if you were thinner? Yes. If you want to work on it, then do it. Don’t just talk about it. But do it for you, not for male approval.