So. 2012. Who knew that this was going to be such a defining year, eh?
Everybody knows the basics. Dad died in June. Step-Mom in November. My father had set up trusts for me and each of my sisters and we were named beneficiaries. It wasn’t until after both my Dad and step-mom died did any of us realize just how selfless my father had been his whole life.
I was reading some of his letters over again on Christmas Eve. It struck me for the first time what a unique and strong writing voice he had. His words could cut through diamonds at times. In others I could feel the pain and sorrow and concern he had for me. It pains me that he had never read anything I’ve written and really had no idea of what I had accomplished.
The result of all the..loss..I guess was that it taught me how unafraid I was to be alone. Maybe too much so. I have been told by a few men in the last 6 months that that aspect of my personality has been unsettling to them. When my friend commented on how “self-sufficient” I came across, I knew that wasn’t a good thing. But, as I said to him, I don’t feel like I need to apologize for that. I still need. I just don’t need as much as some men need me to need them. I also learned that a passive man will never, ever survive in my life. It’s hard to balance the feminine thing with the dominant thing. As I said to my sister recently, we were spoiled in many ways, none more so in that we grew up with a man who encouraged us to have and voice our opinions and wasn’t even slightly thrown by the presence of an assertive female. He had no choice. He was surrounded by 8 of them his whole life. Between his mother, my mother and step-mother and me and my sisters, It was all he knew. What they all have, that I struggle to hone, is that softer and more gentle side. I’m working on it. When my friend recently told me how “tender” I seemed as I was falling asleep I initially laughed. I think that was a defense mechanism kicking in. I didn’t know how to respond. So I simply smiled and thanked him. But inside I was doing a little happy dance as though I had accomplished something huge.
For whatever reason today, my birthday, has been one of the toughest since my Dad died. Maybe because this was “our” day. It wasn’t a holiday he shared with all of us. He gave me two phone calls so that I didn’t feel ripped off since my birthday is a holiday of sorts (NYE.) This one was just for me. Like him, I’m an early riser and get up between 5:30 and 6:00 every morning. I don’t know how to sleep in, much like I don’t know how to vacation. Again, just like him. He’d call me early in the morning to say Happy Birthday and then around 5 or 6 to say Happy New Year, as he and my Step-mom were typically in bed by 6:30 every night. I plan on heading over to St. Ignatius (the saint my Dad was named after) to light a candle. I did that a few months ago on a day I was particularly struggling with the idea of him being gone. I like to go when no one is there so I can just sit and absorb my surroundings – the windows, the altar, etc. I picked up the Mass Book and opened it up to a reading. It was from the Book of Matthew. The reading was about a King with three servants. To the first two, The King gave multiple talents based upon their abilities. To the third servant he gave just one. The first two servants turned around and doubled the talents given to them by The King. But the third servant chose to bury his, afraid to lost it. This angered The King, as this servant – because of his fear – wasted that talent when he could have either used it to make more talents or invested the talent and gained interest.
“‘Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. 29For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. 30And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’
I could hear my father’s voice as I read it. “You’re a very smart girl.” Translation: “I’m so disappointed.” He never understood what I did, despite the fact that I had been writing since I was child and writing was my minor in college. (I know, shocking given how inconsistent my grammar can be at times. Working on that, too.) My father gave my sisters and I many talents – skills, guidance, support, financial help. I can honestly say my father denied me nothing. Nothing. He passed traits on to me that , if used wisely, could make many, many more talents as long as I don’t squander them or let fear rule me. I just wish he could be here to see what’s coming next.
Well, that’s all from me for today.Have a safe and happy New Year, folks. Feel free to share your plans below or discuss what’s going on with you. Open thread, bitches!
Sidenote: That pic was taken last month. My friend took me out for drinks at some point after my step-mom died. Yes, that’s my hair straight. I’ve taken to wearing it that way for the past few months. It’s a lot easier to manage than I thought. I have a hair stylist do the initial blow out and then I just maintain it for a few days. I’ll go curly for a week or so then have it blown out again.
Not sure why…but I have heard time and time again…that I come across very independent, and “self sufficient” too. Not sure what else to be…since I do live alone, and don’t have anyone to fall back on..literally. I have myself…and depend on myself. Family is oversees. I don’t understand what a man expects…from a woman living alone. Do I need someone in my life…it would be nice to share my time. Do I need someone to survive financially..not really…since I am not expecting to live a certain lifestyle. I make do with what I can. I often feel a though I can never win, or find someone to just accept me for “me”….without any judgment. Just my thoughts. Happy a happy, safe and healthy New Year! to you and to all.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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Just a guess as I don’t know you or Moxie personally… but perhaps what’s missing is a little vulnerability?
I’m very self-sufficient myself and recently came to the conclusion that I could be happy the rest of my life without another LTR. However, I want a relationship and love the feeling of being in love.
I make sure to communicate both of these things to anyone I date.
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Huh, now I’m wondering where Eliza’s from. Makes no never mind, but I’ll guess Asian because she reminds me a bit of my ex-’s mom. Or Eastern European?
Funny, I think I’m plenty soft and vulnerable and it’s been to my detriment. I don’t fear being alone, I fear being with someone and being their doormat.
I can relate to the introspection, my dad died 12 years ago and my sister last year.
Happy new year, y’all. I’m gonna eat Hoppin’ John with an old friend.
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I am actually part Latin and Eastern European…from Budapest. Personally, I don’t find that anything along the lines of “vulnerability” is missing at all. For someone to see that “vulnerable side” to anyone does take time. In general, I am a happy person…and thankful for my health and the good in my life. I am open and receptive to meeting someone special. So, that’s a cop out – that a woman that is self-sufficient does not display vulnerability. Secondly, through conversation I make it clear that I enjoy being in a committed one-on-one arrangement. There is nothing wrong with being “feminine” when the time calls for it. It’s illogical for any man to expect a single woman living in NYC on her own to not be independent and “self sufficient” in order to survive and get by.
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Oh, I don’t mean to suggest it’s either/or. The woman I’m seeing right now is very independent and I really like that about her. However, she’s also extremely feminine and likes a “man’s man.”
Budapest: I was there last June and amazed at how many beautiful people there are there.
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You will continue to write your own story each and every day of your life! I do believe that your father will continue to be a driving force guiding you in your life! Wishing you the Happiest Birthday and New Year’s Eve and all the best in 2013!!!! One of my favorite quotes from a movie ” Life has a funny way of turning out exactly as it is suppose to”!!!
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Very true. Life is what happens when we are busy planning our lives.
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Again, I’m so sorry for your personal losses this year, Moxie. I had the same, so I can empathize. I also respect your honoring and reflecting deeply on your parents.
Here are some music albums that helped me a lot since my own losses. Maybe they will help you:
• Sleeping on the Edge of the World, by David Helpling
• Goodbye, by Ulrich Schnauss
• The Fountain (Soundtrack)
God and your own personal strength will blaze a way forward for you.
Happy 2013.
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I agree with everyone else, but will admit I did not read the whole post yet.
I am commenting to say, You look fantastic! That pic is great; you should keep your hair like that. I can only hope I look that good in 20 years
/End shallow comment.
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20 years?
You’re almost 30 aren’t you?
Hon, I’m not that old. But thanks for the compliment. I think.
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No, almost-mid 20s (next month!); I thought you were around 42-43? It might actually be just 18 years, but I rounded.
You look young, though! i would think much younger than 40; basically, you look really good
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Oh. Phew.
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Everyone has had bad years like yours, Moxie. And if they haven’t, they will. Some people never fully get through them, but you seem to have taken what lessons there are to learn from 2012 and are moving on in a good direction.
So, pop a nice bottle of champagne and bid good riddance to 2012. I took my usual hiatus from new dating during the holidays, but am looking forward to leaping back into the fray for 2013…
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It never rains, but it @#$#%$%^ pours doesn’t it?
The year my dad died (2004) was also the year I split up with my husband of 14 years. And my mom had an alcoholic breakdown.
I like your idea of lighting a candle, I do the same thing in any church I come across.
(for my dad and grandparents)
If I have learned anything in all my years of dating and being married, is men need to feel needed. To “slay dragons” for the women they love. Or just get your favorite Starbucks drink on a cold day:)
Also, I don’t think your Dad was disappointed in you at all. and I do like your hair.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOXIE GIRL!!!!
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First of all- Happy Birthday!
I feel for you- I’ve had years like that, fairly recently. I still don’t know if it’s a blessing (we get it over with) or a curse (HELP!!) that it always seems to pile on the way it did for you. What I do know is that it does get better. In fact, it gets much better than I could ever have imagined. It will definitely get better for you because your attitude is awesome (much better than mine was five years ago).
I really struggled with the independence/self-sufficiency thing too. I was raised to be that way and I was married to a mentally ill man for 12 years, so I got used to being responsible for everything. I still struggle to just let my current husband take care of me now, as he likes to. I think I manage to do it most of the time. What helps is that I can trust him. He makes me feel safe, so I after four years together, I feel more comfortable letting him “be the man.”
It’ll probably just take a really strong man – maybe someone like your dad?- who won’t be offended by your independence while at the same time showing you that you don’t have to do it all alone. I really hope you find him.
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Hi Christina. The point I make is…for Moxie–(and correct me if I am wrong, Moxie?)…she is self-sufficient–merely because she IS single and relies on herself. As I am. I am only as independent and self-reliant as I need to be to keep my life in order and deal with life’s curve balls (sick elderly parents, etc). IF indeed I were to meet someone…I am quite open and able to allow a man to do for me as they wish (not afraid to accept a helpful hand when it is extended)…and yes I am able to rely on a guy that is willing and able to step-up, and be there for me. Don’t know why people view “independence” in such a negative light. It doesn’t make a woman less feminine or capable of loving someone.
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Happy Birthday C/M! We can all count our good fortunes over the inevitable losses, and the growth that may accrue from same. Survival is not assured, but the people before us have prepared the way forward. For this and for the gifts we’ve been given, we should all be grateful for being here & now and thriving despite it all. Cheers & Good Luck in the New Year! ‘VJ’
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Wow, you look pretty and at peace. A belated Happy Birthday.
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Moxie..sorry a little late on this – but know you have had a tough year – wishing you a happy 2013!
About hair – I have your hair, or very similar. Very curly, I am italian and irish. My latest approach is to Keratin it (or have it keratined). This takes the blow dry time frame from one hour to 1/2 hour – I still can’t get it straight myself, but nice to have it take a much shorter time. And, if I wear it curly (which I do between blow dries) it is 1/2 as curly..has been great, didn’t make my hair fall out, and chills out the curls. Costs about 150.00 depending on where you go..well worth it.
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