Let’s get right to this:
1. Stop asking “Why?”- To quote your parents, “Because. That’s why.” You’re never going to fully understand why someone wasn’t interested or why something didn’t work. It just didn’t. Don’t waste time trying to figure things out. That is, unless that one thing is a pattern. Then you should do some personal inventory and ask yourself (and friends you trust) some tough questions.
2. Give people a chance- Okay, so he wrote you and just said, “Hey’”or “How are you?” Some people aren’t very good with small talk. If their profile works for you, don’t let a wink, a flirt or a brief message with no personalization prevent you from replying.
3. Stop asking so many questions - Either take the leap or stay home.You’re never going to have a complete picture. Go big or go home.
4. Ladies, plan the first date once in a while - Stop leaving it up to the guy. It seems like 80% of the time, women get pissed for one reason or another about where the guy chooses to meet. If it’s so controversial take the bull by the horns and do it yourself.
5. Make up your own mind - Stop living by other people’s rules. They aren’t you. What works for them isn’t always what is best for you.
6. Stop caring what people think - I’m telling you, most of the judgments you hear and read come from people who absolutely suck at dating.They want you to fail.
7. Learn to enjoy the beauty of a dive bar - You haven’t really dated until you’ve had a night of beers, bad bar food and cheesy jukebox music. Every date doesn’t have to look like a scene from Sex and the City. Withhold judgment until you actually have the date.
8. Ladies, stop being afraid of being sexual/”slutty” – For the love of God, stop listening to your friends. I’m telling you that their heads have been in way more laps than they care to reveal.Fun fact: you’re friends won’t have anything to judge if you lie or keep details to yourself.
9. Guys, get rid of that stupid “I’ll only spend $20 on a first date” rule – Dating costs money. Get over it. Be more discerning when inviting women out if you find you’re spending too much money.Yes, you’re being cheap.
10. Don’t say “Yes” to a date unless you’re really interested – Be considerate of the schedule and time of other people. Setting vague plans and not following up is rude.Read a person’s complete profile before engaging them.
11. Don’t fear rejection or failure – You need the bad experiences to help you enjoy and identify the good ones. Unless you want to keep re-living the same date over and over, you have to see things through. Ladies, send that “thank you” email the next morning and suggest another date. Don’t wait for him to do it. Guys, if you like her then ask her out at the end of the first date.
12. Update profile photos regularly - No more posting pics from 2009! Make it a point to have friends take pictures whenever you’re out. You should be updating those photos every 3-6 months.
13. Have sex on the first date - Do it. Yes, relationships do come from it. You don’t have to do it all the time, of course. But don’t not have sex thinking you have cleared some imaginary hurdle. You haven’t.
14. Stop placing importance on empty gestures - It means nothing until it means everything. Remember that. Just because he paid the check doesn’t mean he’s sincere. Just because she accepted an invitation to dinner doesn’t mean she’s interested.We do things because it’s expected or as a means to an end.
15. Stop looking for signs - You know how you know a relationship (of whatever type) is working? You’re not watching or looking for signs. You’re too busy enjoying the moment and the experience.
16. Stop demanding honesty - Until someone is truly invested, they’re not going to risk conflict by offering total disclosure. Allow people to bow out of things in their own way. Yes, that sometimes means fading. Chasing them down and demanding an answer isn’t worth your dignity or self-esteem.
17. Stop dating assholes - This one is self-explanatory. The better choices you make, the better your experience. The people who complain and gripe all the time are doing that because the repeatedly date people that don’t treat them well. That’s because they focus on shallow criteria and don’t pay attention to the red flags..
18. Lower your expectations - Dating has become such a commodity these days that it’s counter-productive to need to feel special and unique on every first date.
19. Reply to messages quicker - No more trying to play it cool, folks! The process has now become so intensified that someone can email you on Monday and be smitten by Tuesday.
20. Stop being afraid of being alone - Listen. You’ve made it this far on your own. Maybe the love of your life is the love of *your life.* Appreciate and take advantage of the benefits of being single.
21. Date multiple people at once – Try it before you pass judgment. See how it fits.If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. But don’t turn your nose up at the idea until you’ve actually given it a chance.
2. Don’t make every first date an interview - Knock back a couple drinks and enjoy yourself. Stop being so worried that you might make some critical error that will turn someone off. If they’re interested, they’ll be interested the next morning unless you do something horribly offensive. Have fun! Get a buzz, flirt a little, tell a dirty joke.
Have any of your own?
Good list. My critical thoughts and commentary below:
1. “Stop asking ‘Why?’” Always be questioning how you are contributing to your own success/failures but never waste time wondering what someone else is thinking. And don’t bother asking them because they will never tell you the whole truth.
2.”Give people a chance.” Yes. However, people are doing this anyway, in my opinion. When they are interested in someone or find them attractive, they will “forgive” all sorts of so-called shortcomings – not saying the right thing, or picking the right venue, etc. Because they’re not really shortcomings – just the false bravado of someone posting on the Internet. To give people a chance who you would otherwise NOT find attractive? That’s a whole other story.
3. “Stop asking so many questions.” What you mean to say is to lose your need for control of the external. Most of life, in my opinion, is circumstance and opportunity, most of which are unearned gifts or punishments, and not the result of one’s choices and actions. You can’t control most things -least of all other people, so stop wasting effort trying to do so.
4. “Ladies, plan the first date once in a while.” Yes, but not the first few dates.
5. “Make up your own mind.” I did this once. Things didn’t work out but it wasn’t because of that. There were other reasons.
6. “Stop caring what people think.” Especially the Internet. Have you met these people?
7. “Learn to enjoy the beauty of a dive bar.” This is just personal preferences. See No. 2, above.
8. Ladies, stop being afraid of being sexual/”slutty.” Yes, most of social interaction (especially these days) is about presentation. You don’t really know what’s going on in someone else’s life, relationship, marriage, etc and most people only show the good stuff. There’s an apt poker adage: if you look around the table and you can’t figure out who the sucker is? It’s you.
9. “Guys, get rid of that stupid “I’ll only spend $20 on a first date” rule.” Yes, get rid of this rule not because you’re “cheap” but because it’s not an effective dating strategy. Try to win at Monopoly without owning a few hotels on Boardwalk.
10. “Don’t say “Yes” to a date unless you’re really interested.” F you, Don’t tell me what to do.
11. “Don’t fear rejection or failure – … Ladies, send that “thank you” email the next morning and suggest another date. Don’t wait for him to do it. Guys, if you like her then ask her out at the end of the first date.”
Yes and no. Ladies, send a thank you email/text after the date if you’re interested. Don’t if you’re not. Guys, ask a woman out again by email AFTER you get the thank you email.
12. “Update profile photos regularly.” Probably good advice but I never do it.
13. “Have sex on the first date ” Yes, if you want to, but no one will ever take this advice. Guys like sex. If you give them sex, they will like you, all else being equal. If they don’t like you, it’s not because you gave them sex. It’s because all else was not equal.
14. “Stop placing importance on empty gestures ” All gestures are “empty” before you know someone, in the initial stages of dating. People are on their best behavior.
15. “Stop looking for signs.” Human beings are very good at identifying patterns. So good, in fact, that they see patterns where there are none. Stop doing that.
16. “Stop demanding honesty.” Agreed. And, stop basing your views on humanity and relationships upon the lies people told you when they rejected you. Oh, he told you there was no chemistry? Oh, she said her vagina didn’t tingle? Riiiiight.
17. “Stop dating assholes.” Relationships based on substantive criteria/choices will be substantive; relationships based on superficial criteria/choices will be superficial. Pick and own your choice. Neither one is right or wrong.
18. “Lower your expectations.” Know yourself. Know your market.
19. “Reply to messages quicker ” I disagree. The law of supply and demand is a LAW of nature. All else equal, the more scarce you are, the higher your percieved value. Be less available and more scarce. Be deliberate not scattershot in how and when you reply to messages.
20. “Stop being afraid of being alone.” Yes, identify why you want to be in a relationship. Most men KNOW they want sex, and why. Do you KNOW what you want and why?
21. “Date multiple people at once.” Do it for you, not for them. Don’t talk about it. Diplomacy and discretion.
22. “Don’t make every first date an interview.” Yes, have fun. And, happy new year.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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and when you don’t have any dates, spend inordinate amounts of time giving dating advice on the internet.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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This is a great list. The only thing I would add is “Communicate!” Too many men and especially women want the other party to read their minds. This leads to bad assumptions, which in turn can lead to resentment, anger and hurt feelings in general.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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I accidentally hit the thumbs-down button. I can’t change it. I meant to hit thumbs-up. I agree with this.
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A good list, but one that, alas, for the people who need to heed it most probably won’t get. The tl:dr version: quit obsessing, relax, and enjoy yourself.
As for 15. Stop looking for signs, I still reserve the right to base most dating and relationship decisions on consultations with my Magic 8 Ball. That, and I always look for and observe “High Voltage: Do Not Enter” signs…
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Have fun!
Dating’s only fun if it’s fun.
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Yes. Instead of investing every date with expectations as to whether this guy or gal might be The One, focus on making them The One Now.
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Great list! I would only add/modify: I think it’s okay and even desirable to go out with someone when you’re not sure if you’re really interested. It’s nearly impossible to determine attraction from a profile; if you see some positives there, just take the chance and meet the real person. In my experience, every guy I met looked better than his pictures. A lot of guys put up really bad photos. That being said, I do agree that if you want to meet, be considerate enough to make concrete plans and follow through. Adults should be able to manage this.
But most of all, dating is supposed to be fun, so have fun!
Oh, and Happy New Year!
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Some more random thoughts and resolutions that might also work in many areas of life:
1.) Listen more. No, LISTEN AND HEAR More. Listen to the catches in their voice when they describer a traumatic event. Look for the way they pause between sentences before they reveal themselves to you. Hear what they say even during an argument. How do they argue? Ugly with power, or pretty with logic? Or even ruthless with logic?
2.) Be here more. Be with the ones you’re with, more. Be present. Be more mindful. Not someplace else, not hoping for someone else, or to be someplace else. You’re here & now. Be there, you might like or tolerate it better. If not? Seek to change where you are. Move if necessary.
3.) Move More. Everything and everywhere. Yourself and your mind. Always together. Question what you think you know. Investigate your biases or question your assumptions. Are they still valid? Do they apply to this situation? Might they need to be adjusted or moved for circumstances? What is it that we can know, and know about what we face now?
4.) Be more mindful and watchful. Look for the interconnections of things, the unsuspecting the surprising. Some things that don’t make sense in one context, make some more sense in another dimension or in/from a different view. Try to be more flexible in thought. See your troubles from another angle. It helps.
5.) Sex is this, and much more. But it starts here: Sex is not a GD performance:
http://mischevious-angel.tumblr.com/post/38846460903/sex-is-not-a-goddamn-performance-sex-should-feel
6.) See the person in front of you for the miracle they are, and the twisted troubled path they’ve traveled. Yes, even the supremely ugly, troublesome or difficult ones. What are they trying to tell you? What is it that they want? What do they want for you? Look for and heed the ones who want the best for you, and who seek nothing more than affection or affirmation in return. You’re most likely related or should be.
7.) Go beyond yourself. Meet and/or date people that are not ‘your type’. Even people you rarely talk to. You might learn something new.
8.) Resolve to have more fun. More fun with other people. Try to make them laugh more. Try to laugh more about all the absurdities, mysteries and vagaries of life. You’ll feel better. People will come to like you better. You may even meet more interesting people too.
9.) Try to learn more, to know more about more of the stuff and the world around you. It might not help you immediately, but in the long run it’ll be the most reliable self improvement that will be the most lasting as well. It may also be somewhat more attractive to other smart people.
10.) Be the change you seek. Be more fit. Be more smart. Be more kind. Be more loyal. Be more attentive. Be there, for yourself and your love. Love the world with all your heart. It’s all we’ve got left of life.
Cheers & Good Lick in the New Year! ‘VJ’
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I really like 8,9,10…very good suggestions.
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I have to disagree about having Sex on the first date! I realize there are exceptions to everything in life so some women this will not apply to, but, most women do place unrealistic expectations upon Sex with another human being. Not all, but most woman, do have feelings beyond sexual pleasure when they have sex with a man. This is neither right nor wrong but how most woman are wired. So for men, women do them a great disservice by having sex on the first date. YOU might be the best girl/woman this guy would ever love in his life but having sex with him before you really know him you will probably end up having expectations beyond a first date that make you appear clingy which in turn makes most men run for dear life.
Having sex with someone you don’t know ( and NO ONE knows someone on a first date) is sex for sport. While men successfully have sex for sport most women do not so in the end it works against both people. Yes, if the man likes you first date sex will not make a difference to him but first date sex usually changes the woman which in turn usually works against her in terms of the man viewing her not as being slutty but the fact that often times she will feel slutty she makes excuses and then appears to be someone who is too needy to the man.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I personally have never had sex on a first date. For me, I need to be more comfortable with a man before I let him see me naked and be intimate with me, and a 2-hour or so date just doesn’t cut it.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I think you’re forgetting that sometimes both parties might just be really horny and attracted to each other. Admitting that isn’t denying that women (or men, believe it or not) ALSO value sex on a more cerebral level.
I think you’re also saying that women will tend to get emotionally invested specifically because of having sex; however, that isn’t really any different than getting emotionally invested just because you’ve been dating someone for a while. The implication of that is not “never date until you’re absolute sure you’ve found the right person in advance”, just like the implication of getting attached from sex is not “never have sex until you’re sure in advance you WANT to be attached”.
What’s the implication, then? It’s: deal with the possibility of disappointment. Get over it, move on, grow up.
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Other than the first date sex I think this was an excellent list and actually great life lessons for everyone not just people dating.
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Good list.
I have to say though, I don’t understand why the $20 rule (taken approximately) is bad. Not because of cost, but because of expectations. It seems like a bad idea to me to take your date to Chez Snooty for a first date (or even within the first 3 or so), since the knowledge that a lot of money is being spent and the overtly romantic atmosphere just puts too much of a burden on both parties.
To put it another way, it should be a “keep it casual” rule for the first few dates, not a “$20 rule”. But in practical terms, they’re pretty much the same thing.
I think the debate over “being cheap” is a distraction. I bet it’s MORE of a problem that guys fall into the trap of “not wanting to appear cheap”, but end up creating undue expectations that nobody actually intended by shelling out a lot of money.
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For me what it comes down to is that online dating, despite the way in which its marketed, is not the same as meeting people in other ways (e.g., at a party or through mutual friends). It is qualitatively different. The problem is that not everyone understands that. The $20 rule may be a bit too cheap to the point of making life hard for yourself but at the same time it is unrealistic to think that the ‘first date’ (which when you’ve done it online is not a date at all really) should be the same as a real first date. Problem is for some people who tend to be female, accepting this is an affront to their dignity because they’d like to pretend otherwise. This is why its difficult.
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I think it’s the whole “screening” at a coffee bar that’s the problem, not so much keeping it casual. It seems like a lot of guys will do the pre-screen to avoid getting stuck spending more than $20 on a woman they aren’t attracted to. I understand being disappointed on first dates, we’ve all been there, but a 7PM coffee date is just awkward and screams pre-screen. I’m with you that fancy dinner is too much for a first date, but going out for a cocktail shouldn’t cost much more than $20 and is casual and comfortable for most people.
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If you are meeting someone in person who you’ve only talked to online, is it really considered a date?
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I agree this is not a “date”.
Coffee is appropriate but not JUST to avoid drinks which cost a few dollars more…
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Stop complaining, nobody wants to hear about your rotten landlord, past boy/girlfriend troubles, your junky car. Guys, never compare her to your mother, even if you think it is complementary, it won’t be to her.
Complain to your friends, that is what they are for, that and giving you awful advice.
My wife NEVER complains and I love her for it, quit looking for Sir Lancelot, he is a fable at a round table.
Real people have foibles, learn to deal with them.
H/T to BigFurHat!
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