One of my Twitter followers sent me an interesting article today. The piece discusses the possible negative impact that online dating has had on 
monogamy and commitment.
In the past, Jacob had always been the kind of guy who didn’t break up well. His relationships tended to drag on. His desire to be with someone, to not have to go looking again, had always trumped whatever doubts he’d had about the person he was with. But something was different this time. “I feel like I underwent a fairly radical change thanks to online dating,” Jacob says. “I went from being someone who thought of finding someone as this monumental challenge, to being much more relaxed and confident about it. Rachel was young and beautiful, and I’d found her after signing up on a couple dating sites and dating just a few people.” Having met Rachel so easily online, he felt confident that, if he became single again, he could always meet someone else.
This feels like a “which came first: the chicken or the egg?’ scenario to me. It’s no secret that online dating encourages a shopping cart mentality amongst its users. People join a dating site in the hopes of meeting people for….whatever. Sex. Love. Casual love. Once they complete a profile, it takes but a matter of minutes to hours to receive attention. Yes, online dating creates the idea that our options are limitless. Just like the media creates the idea that if we buy the latest version of of iPhone our lives will be that much easier and more complete. The concepts of supply and demand and the law of scarcity have existed for centuries. Online dating didn’t manufacture them. They already existed. All online dating did was provide us with a platform in which we could meet people. It’s up to the individual user whether or not they decide that commitment or casual sex is for them. If someone is conditioned to leave a relationship at the first sign of trouble, isn’t that more about how they viewed commitment and monogamy in the first place?
From the sounds of it the lead character in this article, Jacob, wasn’t really inclined to desire commitment in the first place. He stayed in unsatisfying relationships because that was a more appealing alternative than being alone or regularly masturbating. Are we to overlook the fact that Jacob was also an only child? Gee, you mean someone who grew up never having to share or compromise or argue with a peer isn’t good at relationships? Color me stunned. A man who doesn’t feel compelled to commit to just one woman? File that under “No shit, Sherlock.” What online dating did was enable an already preexisting condition. For many men, more vagina = more gooder. For many women, more dates = more attention.
It’s interesting that the article doesn’t focus on both a female and a male subject. Has online dating fostered a similar lax attitude towards monogamy and commitment in its female users? Based on the letters I receive and stories I hear, that would be no. The women on Twitter or Facebook or blogs frequently mocking the “nice guy” or coming up with excuse after excuse for turning down a second date, to me, seem to be exerting a false sense of vindication and control. Did that chip on their shoulder start with online dating? I don’t think so. I think these women always harbored warped ideas about love, sex, men and commitment and I think those seeds were planted long before they scoffed at their first Wink. That thinking was borne from years of being told they could do better by well meaning or sabotaging girlfriends.
It’s too easy to blame online dating for society’s evolving ideas surrounding commitment and monogamy. What I believe turned people away from monogamy and commitment wasn’t a collection of profiles. It was the habitually piling evidence that maybe, just maybe, what we were taught about relationships and sex is antiquated and counter-productive. None of these so-called benefits that existed 20, 30, 50 years ago no longer apply. Societal views and morals concerning these subjects are rapidly changing.
With divorce rates climbing can we really say that marriage is the expected course of action should two people meet and fall in love?
With the economy struggling and as more and more men remain out of work while women return to work can we really continue to believe that women need to marry for financial security?
With infidelity rates between men and women neck and neck are we still going to say that women are “hard wired” to be monogamous?
How can we continue to function under such beliefs when numbers don’t lie?
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Well, it’s broke. Only now people are choosing to fix it their own way rather than how they were told they should. Online dating didn’t serve as the breakdown in commitment and lack of interest in monogamy. We have simply evolved beyond what we were originally taught.
I come from a family where there is no divorce. My father had not one but two extremely successful and satisfying marriages. As such, I believe marriage is to be done once and you better pray you choose wisely and be prepared to fight the good fight. I was raised in a sexually repressed and religious household. Where did I learn about sex? From books and friends and movies. It was the exposure to and experience with these subjects that enhanced and changed my views. But in order for me to upgrade my line of thinking, I had to have been curious in the first place. There are plenty of people who are more than willing to accept what they are exposed to as the “right” way to live. There are others who challenge such views or desire more.
The medium that provides the exposure simply does just that. It’s the people who implement the strategy. I’ve met men who write profiles stating they want something casual only to turn out to want something more long term. I’ve also met men who write about wanting to find a partner but never appear to do so, as their profile stays active day after day, month after month, for years.
In my mind, it’s not the environment that online dating provides that is the problem. The true hurdle is certain user’s inability to accurately identify what it is they seek. That’s what makes it difficult for them to settle on just one person.
I very much agree with Moxie’s point, as I read it, that online dating didn’t itself change much but, instead, exposed something about human nature that has always been lurking underneath our culture and social rules.
We have been persisting under a shroud of falsehoods about romantic relationships – that exclusive, monogomous relationships, e.g. marriage, are the “right way”, an end in itself, not necessarily a means to happiness and fulfillment. I have no doubt that there are many like “Jacob” in the referenced story – I very much relate to that story. Scores of people were and are tolerating relationships that they weren’t thrilled in merely because they believed, for whatever reason, that it was their best option. In fact, comitted relationships, by definition, REQUIRE that one sacrifices something of value to be in it.
I was in many “long-term” but unfullfilling relationships before online dating and there was so much stress involved. Online dating was the solution to my problem. I no longer worried about where and I when I would meet someone else if a particular relationship ended. In some ways, like a chinese finger trap, the existence of options loosened the vice and actually made my relationships less stressful and better. When I “commit” now, which I admit is rare, I mean it.
Online dating is not the “illusion” of options. People like to say it fosters a “shopping cart” mentality. It’s not an illusion. It’s real options. What we have learned, in the inadvertent human experiment of online dating, is that many, many people are actually more fulfilled exploring options than being tied down to one person in a marriage or other exclusive relationship. The opposite of what your parents and grandparents told you. Online dating did not create these desires, it merely exposed them.
The argument that people have “too many” choices online is really this: Other people have too many options and therefore they are not willing to settle for what am I offering. No. More “choice” is always inherently better than less.
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Women are the gatekeepers to sexuality.
Men are the gatekeepers to commitment.
What do women offer to keep men committed? If it’s only sex, then women will be only valued for their sexuality… and with Dating 2.0. that’s a commodity. Suck it up, buttercup.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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“Women are the gatekeepers to sexuality.
Men are the gatekeepers to commitment.”
Is Zammo The Private Man? My goodness does this dude get paid every time he says that phrase? Its one thing to play that broken record on his own site, but we still have to listen to that here?
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Sometimes a lesson has to be repeated over and over (and fockin’ OVER) in order to for it to be internalized. Hell, Evan Marc Katz even repeats that lesson and he gets freakin’ paid for it.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Bit harsh but then again.
Recent themes: ban porn, make prostitution super-illegal.
Interesting that online dating is also a social evil apparently.
Ok, there are lots of people with reasonable arguments for that but then I keep reading the same weirdly compromised feminist articles: Down with slut shaming (but don’t do hookups girls or you are a, er, slut but we’ll use long words for it).
There is a huge panic about this stuff but a cold look at the stats show an equalising society and a general decrease in violent crime around the world. What could be going on? When the left and the right leap into bed together you know something is up.
Its obvious to me but then I’ve also been in a trade union for 10 years.
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Perhaps online dating attracts people with a certain mentality. If you join an online dating site with preconceived ideas you might be surprised when you do not have a lot of success. Dating and relationships, online or off take work and realistic expectations. I have found that realistic expectations are in short supply or non existent in many people on the dating scene today. Also, online daters just seem to keep looking for someone just a little bit better instead of focusing on someone who is good enough for them; too many options I guess. I agree with Moxie that sooner or later you have to settle, and I do not mean that in the way in may sound. Be realistic in your expectations, don’t base them on romance novels and romantic, unrealistic movies where the leads get exactly what they want. Find someone that you can like and then work on it. Just a thought.
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Don’t know if this article was from The Atlantic.
In any event tend to agree with the above and with Moxie in the first part of her analysis. Don’t know if those who go on have realistic expectations (about themselves, others and outlook) or not. Maybe yes, maybe no. More likely is a bit of both.
True, there were times when people may have been stuck in a relationship that was not what many would consider a real relationship, but the alternatives may have been scare given the times. I don’t know.
What I do think is a curious paradox is in the current day and age, where people like Jacob seem to bail when things are not going quite to his liking. Same might be true for the ladies. I might see people not looking elsewhere if they lived in a very remote part of the country where alternative options are substantially fewer. But it also seems paradoxical that even those in larger metropolitan areas have difficulty finding someone and staying in a relationship of some length.
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So, I agree with the general premise here, that the way relationships work is changing. However, I think that what critics of the so-called “shopping cart mentality” are really criticizing is the whole “the grass may be greener on the other side” effect of being too exposed to “options.” I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with the way Jacob appears to be viewing online dating, as an option for if his current relationship doesn’t work out. The problem starts when people remain active on dating sites even when they are supposedly trying to have a serious relationship. When a guy (or girl) hits on people left and right in real life, but has a girlfriend (or boyfriend), its considered sleazy and he will most definitely be called out on it at some point. When he or she does it online, its potentially totally private and discrete….basically its easier to do without feeling like he or she is doing anything “wrong.” And with all those people sending flirty e-mails back and forth…its a lot easier to ditch a perfectly good relationship at the first sign of trouble rather than sticking it out and building something meaningful.
I also think it is important to acknowledge the validity of different kinds of relationship. Some people truly want a monogamous relationship (not because its the only option they were presented with) and some people really don’t. We can’t keep believing that everyone should want the kind of relationship that we do and we have to be honest with each other in what we want. I have friends who are happy alone, happy single playing the field, happy in committed relationships with no plan to marry, happy in marriages, and happy in polygamous relationships. The trick is knowing what you want and making sure that the people you involve yourself with want the same thing (or are at least open to giving it a shot).
Hot debate. What do you think?
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“…its a lot easier to ditch a perfectly good relationship at the first sign of trouble rather than sticking it out and building something meaningful.”
True (if you mean more or less specifically ‘the first sign of trouble’) but then I’m not certain this is a bad thing. People don’t always get ‘something meaningful’, sometimes they just get more trouble. More often than not I’d bet.
On the other hand I do recognise this tendency isn’t helpful either. I don’t associate it in myself with internet dating specifically, its actually more age. When I was younger I wanted to settle down, and then it didn’t work out and the world didn’t end. I also did everything everyone tells you that you should do. I took a bit of time out, I sorted myself out, I became happier with myself and less needy and so on. This is what professionals describe as good psychological health, although I still have my problems obviously. What this means is that I can always walk away because I feel I’ll always be OK if I do. And so far, this has been the case. I wouldn’t say I’m feckless but I’m not going to put up with anything I don’t like.
So here is my question:
How many relationships are really built on that kind of ‘psychological health’?
Do couples really form get together and stay together for healthy reasons? Or is a small dose of the ‘wrong reasons’ (codependency, fear, not wanting to be alone, neediness, lack of options) actually necessary as the grit in the mortar? I’m really beginning to wonder.
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I disagree with the last part. I don’t think people don’t know what it is they seek. I think that’s the easiest part. I see a common trend that most people love to speak in this way that makes them sound so independent and sit around complaining why it’s so hard to find someone. It’s easy to say all I want is this and that but where I think people get caught up is on how attracted they see themselves with a person. I give people more credit. I think most people know not every relationship is going to be perfect, but I think most struggle with getting past finding someone they are attracted to. See that’s where ones own self actualization comes into play. Women and men need to take a hard and most importantly honest look at themselves and go from there. Problem is we all think we already do. If we look good, feel young, are financially secure, then we feel we deserve the creme of the crop. Not the case.
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Both genders are guilty of undervaluing because of online dating. Women seem to do it upfront; men seem to do it after the fact. Most women, with the voluminous mail they get, seem to imagine there is an endless supply of men and eliminate prospects on fairly trivial things. This of course extends to the endless string of first dates, they seem to have. There are a lot of free dinners and attention, if one plays one cards right. That can be seductive to the point where one just becomes a perpetual dater, even expert, rather than being in loving relationship.
Men typically get to this undervaluing mode after they have had sex. Men give serious commitment only when they are at a point in life where they are ready. It’s a point where they don’t worry too much about what they are missing. Unfortunately most single men are in that mode where they feel they will be missing something if they settle on one. And of course online dating presents the ultimate buffet dinner for the undervaluing type of behavior.
One way a woman can use to separate the wheat from the chafe, is to see how vulnerable a man gets with her. This is a hard thing to do. Some women try to take shortcuts by seeing if he will meet her friends or family or seeing if he introduces her to his friends or family. Lately some women see if he honors her on his facebook page. There is some value in all that, but the best way to assess is still time-honored intuition. Intuition seems to have died a death lately, especially when male hotness clouds the glasses women are peering through.
What about the guys who are actually looking for commitment? They too have gone a bit to the undervaluing mode. I have no doubt, it’s a twisted unconscious payback mode in their head for the material hoops, laid out by women, that they have had to jump. Men are only looking to get really committed to women who are especially loving and possess strong character. Of course they need something visual to keep them sexually stimulated, but that alone is not driving them to commitment. Men tend to observe too much of a material mindset as a shortfall in character, hence no need to warrant their commitment. So they too end up saying “Next” rather too quickly. Many of us are often not as materialistic as we present. It’s often just a behavior pattern to fall in step with the zeitgeist of our times. So a quick eliminate based on that judgement is often too harsh.
In conclusion my advice to women and men seriously looking for commitment, is to not judge too harshly too quickly. Also grow up on the materialism thing. To the guys and gals worried about what they are going to miss if they settle, have fun, but don’t curse the player, just the game that you perpetuate. You can step out of that game anytime!
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it is very hard for us straight guys looking to meet a good woman as it is, and it is even much harder and very scarey on line as well. i am one of many men that can commit, and it is certainly much more of the women that can’t commit nowadays.
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