I’ve been on various dating sites for 18 months, and update my profiles regularly, with new pictures (making sure to delete old ones), and have refined my text so that it shows what I offer a man.
Although I’m not as facially attractive as other women, I have a nice body and I am in great shape, due to watching what I eat, and intensive workouts (I don’t mention this in the profile, but show this in tasteful full body photos.)
Online, I’m getting men who visit the profile numerous times, but don’t message me. I can go two weeks without getting a message, and the men who contact me are looking for discreet sexual arrangements and are married or seeing someone.
I have messaged men who I find interesting (older, average or quirky looking guys who happen to have common values or interests) and have either had outright rejection, or we swap a few emails then they stop replying when I ask them out.
I found that I was getting approached by more men when walking down the street, in bars or at the gym, so on Friday I tried to delete my OKC profile. I had forgotten my password and couldn’t delete the profile, so instead I removed my photos.
Over the weekend I have had five emails from men I would find interesting. One even said “your profile reads nice, but sometimes what’s written is more attractive than the visuals.”. I felt that he nailed my problem. Men find what I offer on paper attractive, but I just can’t compete with other women’s faces.
Getting better photos isn’t an option because I’ve had professional shots, social snaps with friends, social photos taken great photographers, photos of me doing my (feminine) hobbies, self portraits with my DSLR, etc
The only thing that got me dates was photos of me wearing very revealing clothing. In the end, I had to delete those photos because the men I met for coffee or drinks were disappointed when I didn’t go home with them afterwards and didn’t want a second date. One man even told me that my photos were misleading because I was a really nice intelligent woman. (He admitted he hadn’t read my profile, just wanted to sleep with the woman in the photos).
Should I go ahead and delete my photos, or keep trying. If so, what kind of photos should I upload?
My friend and I were out Saturday night. A woman walked past us. We both commented on the fact that she had a great bum. When she turned around, he and I had very different takes on how she looked. I found her face unattractive. He insisted that the woman was hot. Was she objectively attractive? I don’t think so. But what I think doesn’t matter. What matters is that a man thought she was attractive. “Women don’t get to tell men what we should find attractive” he said.
You’re comparing yourself to other women and rating your looks based on them. That’s what we do. Unless your plan is to switch teams, you should stop doing that. Will you have a ton of options? No. But then very few of us do. You’re not having an atypical online dating experience. Everybody has the same one. Evey woman gets hit on by the skeevy married dude with no photo, the chubby guy from some suburb, the twentysomething brah, etc. This just in: online dating attracts a bunch of drooling idiots. That’s why I laugh when whiny dudes come here and talk about the little experiments they perform. They create fake profiles with stock photos of hot women or men and send out unintelligible messages and still get responses. Super. Too bad people responding to those profiles and fake photos are likely idiots. Seriously, who doesn’t know how to tell the difference between a stock photo and a real one? Who actually believes that Ms. Maxim or Mr. J Crew is genuinely interested in meeting average looking them? People who fall for this are ignorant or naive boobs. They should not be considered data or proof of anything other than there’s a lot of stupid/horny/lonely people online.
If you’re being approached offline you can’t be that unfortunate looking. Online dating is a very superficial and subjective thing. It doesn’t help that most people bring to it a very distorted perceptions of themselves. Even you. You assume you don’t measure up because you are comparing yourself to other women on those sites. You’re not factoring in to the equation that what men consider attractive and what women consider attractive often greatly differ. I tend to believe that women have a more rigid definition of what constitutes beauty, whereas a man’s definition is more fluid.
Frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with shaking your money maker a little bit.If you’ve got a great bod, show it off! Use it! Don’t roll around naked on a bed, but work with what you have. Everybody does it. The lawyers and doctors who reveal that they’re lawyers and doctors. The British/Australian/Irish guys who give themselves usernames like “ManfromOz” or “YourLeprechaun” and tout their accents in their profiles. They do that because they know American women swoon over accents. Breaking” men like boobs and bums and waist lines. So flaunt ‘em if you got ‘em! Just learn how to vet the responses you receive a bit better so you can cut down on the number of offensive idiots that want to take you out.
People who don’t have pics shouldn’t even bother at this point. Only the most desperate of people respond to a profile with no photos. Afraid your little secret will be revealed? If your friends/co-workers are online and find you, guess what? That means they’re on there too. So get over it. Just don’t reveal anything that could get you fired or make co-workers lose respect for you.
Uri, keep your photos on your profile. Promote your assets tastefully. Don’t be afraid to be sexy. Then be patient.