question….what are your thoughts on a guy who is into a girl immediately and ‘commits’ to an exclusive
relationship within 2-3 weeks of meeting however, wants to wait until it feels right to have intercourse.
He loves giving oral to his GF even though she doesn’t reciprocate nearly as much due to some past issues/concerns she has….he’s pretty tolerant and respectful of that……she totally loves receiving oral from him and expresses her extreme satisfaction….. what would you think about a girl that gets frustrated by the guy not having intercourse yet and also what would you think about this girl who then won’t even allow fooling around to go beyond kissing because she feels ‘tortured’ by receiving oral and some other play but isn’t allowed to have sexual intercourse because he’s not ready yet…..- A., Male,38, NYC
Since I know you and since we’ve had a conversation about this specific issue before, I want to include something that you left out of the story. Your hesitation surrounding having sex too soon is mostly rooted in your fear of getting a woman pregnant. You’ve told me this. When you first told me about this hesitation I have to be honest and say that I thought it sounded like an irrational phobia. I strongly urge you to talk about this with a professional. If you’re being responsible and safe and you educate yourself on ovulation and conception, then you don’t really have anything to worry about.
If she’s getting off, then I don’t understand her frustration. She committed to you without the sex. Unless you promised her that you two would fully consummate the relationship once you and she were exclusive, I don’t understand why she’s so bothered. That is, unless this relationship has been going on for several months without intercourse. That’s a problem. I also don’t understand how you can be so blase about the fact that she refuses to give you head citing “past issues.” The bottom line is that either she doesn’t like giving head and doesn’t feel a need to return the favor despite all the effort you make to please her OR she’s withholding oral until you give her intercourse. Either possibility is a bad sign.There should never be any withholding of affection in a relationship. If she cared for you, she’d at least try. I’m just not sure how connected you and she could be when your relationship lacks such a fundamental form and expression of intimacy. Right now, it sounds like sex is just a tool for you two to climax and that’s it. That’s childish.
Another red flag is that you’ve committed to her 1) after 3 weeks of dating 2) without having sex with her. As I’ve said before, men who typically jump head first into relationship usually do so because they have a critical flaw that they wish to hide. They want to lock the woman in and dazzle her with their willingness to commit, knowing that’s what most women want.
I think both you and she need to be honest with yourselves and each other that sex is not much of a priority. Therefore, all this fretting and wondering is a waste of time. I don’t buy that she’s frustrated at the lack of sex. I think that works for her, actually. If she were so sexual that a lack of intercourse bothered her, it stands to reason that she would engage in whatever she could to fill that void while she waited for you to be ready. She might believe that she’s frustrated at the lack of intercourse, but I’m guessing she’s quite relieved. She doesn’t have to go down on you and doesn’t have to have intercourse. She got you to commit without having to have sex. Sweetheart, you’re the typical Manhattan single woman’s wet dream.
Maybe you don’t like having sex with condoms and that’s why you hold off. I don’t know. What I do know is that without sex, you two are engaging in a high school version of a relationship. People who like and enjoy sex have it. You two aren’t having it. You both agreed to be exclusive without knowing if you sexually satisfy each other. This is the typical outcome of situations like that.
There are some alarming physical, interpersonal and emotional disconnects going on here. That does not bode well if you hope to have a mature and healthy adult relationship.
Probably stress, fatigue, etc. Can be hard to explain at first particularly.
We’re not machines.
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Why not? Some guys are machines when it comes to sex and others aren’t. I have no idea why but darn I love those machines who can screw for HOURS using up 9 magnum condoms & then wake you up with more sex in the morning EVEN after you’ve been with them for nearly a year. Whatever pill they are on I hope they share & post a website for us women to find them easier.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Even now as we speak, top scientists in secret laboratories are working on anatomically correct robots to that very end.
In a few more years, eternal pleasure awaits you.
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Wow, you must be a lucky woman. Just because it’s all in your head doesn’t mean it isn’t real…
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We’re not machines.
No, and I’ll admit I have my “off” days, but celibacy is a whole ‘nother ball of wax. I can’t do that even when I’m single; I’m certainly not going to accept it in the context of a committed relationship.
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Yeah I lost a woman over the past year because I wasn’t feeling her sexually after my mom passed after a 5 year long struggle with PSP. I simply couldn’t bring myself to do anything and she began to think it was about her. Honestly I never thought that something like this could happen to an extremely high sex drive fellow like myself but it does happen. Stress is real folks.
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But this post isn’t about a lack of sex drive or any sexual interest. They’re doing other sexual things, just not intercourse itself. THAT seems odd to me. If it’s because of a fear of pregnancy–that’s something that he should see a shrink about. There are a lot of ways to prevent pregnancy, and if you’re that concerned I’m sure you’d be using them correctly. But to completely avoid sex because of this fear? That’s a sign that something’s wrong.
Your example seems totally normal–anyone can lose their sex drive due to stress or other factors. But also unrelated to this post, in my opinion.
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Are you by any chance not the owner-operator of a penis Mandy?
*face palm*
Hot debate. What do you think?
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When a woman does exactly this, there is no problem. Double-standard, hypocrisy, call it what you may, it’s the reason some guys get so jaded by the whole dating process.
It’s his body. He is entitled to have penetration sex with it or not. That’s what women say all the time, even relegating guys to the category of villain or pervert or potential date rapist, if they somehow insist otherwise. Should I treat the writer of this blog the same way? The funniest part, is a man’s fear of pregnancy being minimized, while a woman’s fear of pregnancy is absolutely normal.
In addition to pregnancy fears and disease fears, I have had first time performance anxiety problems at least a couple of times in my lifetime, even with oral sex taking place and all. Some men also have premature ejaculation issues. And all of this ok. When women have similar issues, and they do all the time, it’s all normal. I have friends who have worn condoms and gotten Mono and TB, so condoms are no absolute prevent-all. When I was young ,one girl gave me crabs, while I was wearing a condom, and she was no bum; she was a RN. Every man I have spoken to have had anxiety problems at least once in his lifetime.
Oral sex has absolutely nothing to do with it. Funnily enough, I was having a conversation with my fried Al last night where he had such an issue after moving from a living room couch to the bedroom. This stuff even happens when a guy changes sexual positions. It takes a lot of blood and the right mindset to get an erection and keep it. It’s actually a miracle in my mind that a man can do this so well and so often. That miracle does fail us at times though. However, men don’t quite have the same facility to physically fake it like women. Given that, it’s interesting that men get such abuse when incapable or unwilling to go through with penetration, but women get a bye for not following through, when they could physically fake it.
Women talk equality, but it’s all a convenient thing and situation specific.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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A woman so terrified of pregnancy that she won’t even try to have sex is not normal, and a guy frustrated with dating such a woman is normal and not a villain.
He’s entitled to do whatever he wants with his body, but she’s not entitled to wait forever in a situation she’s unhappy with. As Moxie said, we don’t know if the “not ready” thing has lasted a couple weeks or a couple months. If it’s dragged on for months, it’s not likely to change.
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fuzilla, It’s not a lot of time we are talking here. Commitment being given early is mentioned. Then he mentions two to three weeks after commitment. It is very normal for a woman not to want to have sex in that type of frame. So it happens, it’s not the the woman in this case but the guy. Will you give him the benefit of the doubt, like a woman?
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He said they were exclusive within 2-3 weeks of dating. Beyond that, we don’t know how long they’ve been going out.
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Although I don’t blame you for being a bit confused by the letter (I was).
He doesn’t seem to be a very good communicator, if the letter is any indication. Is he communicating to her *why* he’s not ready and what will need to happen for him to *be* ready, or does he just keep saying “oh, I dunno, I’m just not ready” while she just guesses and twists away in frustration? Don’t the dudes on this site always say “if she wants to go slow, that’s fine, but if there are no little signs of interest or clues that things are progressing, I’m bailing”? She could have downgraded from second base to kissing because she doesn’t want to get emotionally invested in someone who closes her off emotionally and doesn’t know what he wants.
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I think it is a problem when a woman acts likes this too. Fear or lack of intimacy and physical connection is a problem for both sexes.
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you know something , why dont you guys just stop talking aleady- every day you give different advice and its always contradicting itself.
so rather than confuse people — perhaps its just time to keep quiet.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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“What I do know is that without sex, you two are engaging in a high school version of a relationship”
Damn…There goes relationships for all the religious folks…
I think relationships as defined in this day and age are totally high school. Two serious adults get together and marry each other. Everyone else is just fooling around.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I smell mixed messages (which seems a theme of late…). The guy is all hot to trot to get exclusive, but is reluctant to have sex itself? And the answer is “Well, I’m worried about getting her pregnant”?
That sounds like a mental construct masking a deeper issue relating to intimacy and trust. Those aren’t trivial things and they can’t easily be addressed just by internet discussions. I second Moxie’s about talking to a professional. If sex in the context of a relationship is not going the way you want, that’s something worth working to resolve.
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I’d have thought that is the least likely answer.
Most likely, he is having physical issues. Most agony aunts will say something like “you can still be sexual without having sex” which is exactly what he is doing, it would be textbook if that were the case. Talking about it may not be easy early in a relationship. Which might even explain the rather premature commitment; he wants her to stick with him until he’s firing on all cylinders.
Maybe he has hangups about it, maybe religious.
He might even mean what he says. There is a degree of sexism to this. While it might not pass the SATC test if you wrote into a women’s magazine asking if three weeks was too late to start intimacy, I can’t imagine you’d find a single one that would tell that was weird or wrong.
On a similar tip, he might have issues about how he feels about his body. That doesn’t just affect women. Maybe he’ll take his shirt off and there is a massive scar or something. Again, hard to talk about this stuff early on so you’d put it off if you could perhaps.
Maybe he had a relationship go bad in the past where it was held against him that he’d slept with the woman. A lot of women think this is reasonable, we had a column about it only a few weeks ago. Leaves you = OK. Sleeps with you and leaves you = Player/Cad/Bastard/”Used me for sex”. Perhaps he reads this blog and believes some of you?
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All of those could be the case…but couple them with becoming “boyfriend/girlfriend” at the 3 week mark (where, even at an absolutely breakneck pace you’ve gone on maybe 9 dates if you’re going out 3x a week), and I start thinking it’s a guy whose issues relate — for whatever reason — to letting his guard down. It would explain both the desire to get exclusive quickly, and the reluctance to take things further physically.
There could be other explanations, sure, but putting those two together in the same scenario leaves me thinking it’s about trust/intimacy in broad strokes.
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I was about to be all “but Speedy, you’re just guessing what he means” and then I realized that’s all anyone can really do with the letter when the OP gives so little to go on.
There could well be sexual dysfunction, since the tone of his letter seems so hesitant and embarrassed . He doesn’t even have a clear idea of what he wants to do or even ask, really. “What do you think of a woman who does XYZ?” Huh? I’m guessing he’s so willing to forgive lack of blow jobs “because of her past issues” because he has sexual issues/hangups that he’s banking on her tolerating. He doesn’t sound to be seeking happiness so much as someone who will dance around his issues if he dances around theirs. “See? I don’t even expect blow jobs. We’re even.” I definitely agree with seeking therapy.
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Although if he couldn’t get it up, he wouldn’t be pouting about lack of blow jobs. He doesn’t say she never gave blow jobs, just that “she doesn’t reciprocate nearly as much.” Which was the case at first, and now they’re down to nothing beyond kissing because he doesn’t “feel ready for intercourse.”
So what would it take for him to “feel ready for intercourse”? This will probably require a lot of work/therapy to answer.
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This is interesting to me because I dated a guy just like this, almost. He was cool to wait around 3 months, but then started to push. After we had full sex, he pulled back and suddenly started doing other things, eventually not even letting me reciprocate. It was really strange and confusing to me, and his reasoning was fear of pregnancy (though that didn’t answer every question).
I never fully understood the issue, but it came down to a particular kink that he was not comfortable sharing early on, and then even after sharing was not comfortable actually doing.
Interested to see more comments and takes on this
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Hmmm. He rushes into a “committed” relationship, and is an enthusiastic cunning linguist but won’t have intercourse because he fears getting her pregnant?
But while it’s all very PC to acknowledge that it’s “his body” and he should wait until he’s “comfortable,” I just don’t buy it. The fact that he’s rushing into commitment and gives hours of oral pleasure without actually boning lead me to only one conclusion: performance issues. And I’d put money down that he’s, uh, a quick finisher. He’s embarrassed by it and wants to try to cement her into an emotional and physical relationship before he reveals his secret. The pregnancy fear is just an excuse. At 38, he should be able to deal with this. Condoms are only one option. No mention is made about whether she is on hormonal contraceptives, but even if not there are other options there as well.
Dude needs to deal with his issues. Talk to a doctor, no matter how embarrassing it might be, as there are options. Talk to the GF, too; it might not be as big a deal as he’s built up in his head and let her help. Practice makes perfect even here.
But he can’t start to deal with the problem unless he faces the problem.
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I have a bud with this very issue, horny but afraid to have sex. Been this way all the 30 years we’ve been friends.
In his case, the reason is obvious; his mom is the most bullheaded and bossy bitch you can imagine. And he’s an only child, and his dad died when he was young, and his mom is all the family he has.
Clearly he wants sex, but the consequences of baby and marriage, having a woman as demanding and impossible to please as his mother, are just too severe.
He has had sex of course, but his threshold of comfort is much higher then most women expect of a guy.
It can take up to 6 months to happen.
It’s easy to say “find a good therapist and work it out.” Very easy to say.
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>It’s easy to say “find a good therapist and work it out.” Very easy to say.<
Doesn't make it not true, though. His baggage is not his girlfriend's responsibility.
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It is if she wants to be his GF.
Now if she really only wants to be a FB, then change partners.
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>It is if she wants to be his GF.<
No, it isn't. That's veering into codependent country. Certainly she should *care* if she wants to be his GF and be patient and kind and a good listener and all that jazz, but sorting out his psychological issues is his responsibility.
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Such faith in therapy you have.
People aren’t machines, and when you get involved with a real human, their “issues” affect you too.
Saying it’s their “responsibility” to fix themselves, presumably as a precondition to you gifting them with your presence, is not the behavior of an adult.
It’s the behavior of a consumer, a user, a selfish child.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Um…what? How did you get any of that from what I’ve said? You’re projecting. I do in fact have great faith in therapy and went to group therapy for years. I also put up with a boyfriend who wouldn’t go to therapy for his sexual issues for years. I love him to death, but I got tired of denying myself and doing the work for two people. It’s codependent and it breeds resentment.
It is each person’s responsibility to take care of their own issues. Period, the end. What about that statement is debatable or cause for anger?
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If you can’t see the connection, too bad. It would take too many words and you would dodge and weave around them, so I’m not going to bother engaging you tonight.
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Every partner worth their salt is caring and kind and giving and generous and absolutely invested in their beloved’s happiness. If my partner ever had a bad day I didn’t say “it’s your responsibility to get over it,” I listen, I let him vent, I offer feedback, I offer distraction. However, if your partner’s problems never seem to resolve and sprout into patterns of dysfunctional behavior and your basic sexual and emotional needs aren’t being met because your partner can’t or won’t deal with their “issues” – how’s that fair to you? You feel resentful and they don’t learn or grow because they become accustomed to leaning on you rather than fighting their own battles. The definition of codependence is “doing things for others that they should be able to do for themselves.” Not so much cooking dinner to be nice, more like calling into their job for them because they’re hung over, kind of thing.
I dunno what your deal is, you’re just very protective of this friend who needs therapy but won’t go? Date someone like that for eight years and then get back to me.
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I sympathize with your friend, but the fact is that he’s been emotionally crippled by his past and, apparently, hasn’t taken any steps to address the issue.
I’m actually not a big advocate of therapy, since too many people use it as a crutch, but in your friend’s case, it could probably be useful. I agree that the consequences of marriage in the current climate are a real concern, but while no form of contraception is foolproof, living life involves risks. And these risks can very easily be mitigated.
Yes, it is easy to say “work it out,” but many men have done just that. It’s impossible to work it out unless you have the willingness to honestly address the problem.
But I don’t think that the OP’s worry on this score is genuine, given the information in the post.
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He has taken steps. He had girlfriends and eventually had sex with them.
And he has been to two or three therapists, but he has a rational mind and his fear is not irrational.
The fear remains and costs him something.
Sometimes people can be broken and not be “fixable.”
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I didn’t mean to imply that the fear was irrational, but it’s good to know that he’s taken steps to address it. There’s a big difference between acting out of fear and acting out of conscious, rational choice. Everybody deals with shit differently.
You’re right that not everyone or everything is “fixable.” Acceptance and moving on to what one can deal with is a good thing…
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Yeah, I agree that the OP’s situation is different. My bud was just a pertinent example.
Hopefully illuminating to some.
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Some guys just like other sexual acts to actual intercourse. For example, while eating a girl out takes some skill, you really only have to focus on one thing. Sex, you have to focus on what you’re doing, what she’s doing, what position you’re in, etc.
The fear of pregnancy is BS, whether the OP realizes it or not. In this day and age, what with all manner of contraceptives available, that shouldn’t be a pressing concern. It’s a concern, certainly, but one that’s avoided by being careful.
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>Some guys just like other sexual acts to actual intercourse.<
If they're a couple, then what she likes should also enter into the equation. (She also sounds maybe a little selfish/not the best communicator if she's skimpy with the blow jobs and then abruptly withdraws affection, but he's the one who wrote in for advice).
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with all manner of contraceptives available, that shouldn’t be a pressing concern
There’s no perfect fix. They all can fail, even the big V.
So the calculation is fear of lifelong consequence times the chances of a baby against the reward of a half hour of fun.
For a few guys it just isn’t worth it. Quite rational.
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In my opinion, nothing wrong with waiting. You just have to have a deep talk…Respect and support are very essential components in good relationships. She needs to try to understand you.
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The letter was written in the third person. Was he writing about himself? If it was written by another guy, he needs to explain how he’s privy to the intimate thoughts of a lady. Is he her gay friend?
First of all, he’s off-base in having an exclusive relationship and not having sex with her. He has no right to impose celibacy on someone.
As for his motives, I’m guessing he’s afraid of something. Pregnancy? An STD? Being discovered as impotent, or just a lousy in bed?
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