Name: Clare
Age: 40
State: Belfast
Question: I recently met a man I really like on line, I have lots of other guys texting me but I get a real buzz when this guy does, he is funny and articulate and when he phones to speak to me we are on the phone for hours, but I have been separated now for 4 years. When I initially split with my husband I had met a guy online that I liked but was very needy and vulnerable and I frightened him off, I really don’t want to do that again.He lives in another country, but as he is quite wealthy he has said he is going to come back here for a few months to spend some quality time with me, to see if there is anything behind what we have, when he went home he text me within to days with his new mobile number to let me know he was back.
We didn’t sleep together as I’d met him on line and wasn’t comfortable about it and he respected that, but the more we got to know each other the better we get on. As I have been out of the dating game for so long, I’m not sure about anything any more, who texts first etc I really don’t want to appear as vulnerable, as I am a much stronger person now, but should we create mystery about ourselves, if so for how long? And is it possible to find the real deal on a dating site ?
Yes, I think it’s possible to find the real deal on a dating site. It just depends on what your definition of “the real deal” is. As I said last night in the comments, I’ve had a great deal of luck with online dating. But that’s mainly due to the fact that I’m not looking for long term commitment. I do a pretty good job of weeding out the time wasters. There’s the occasional gaffe, but they are very few and very far between. I have not had many of the stereotypical “bad online dates” we hear so much about on the internet. That’s only because I don’t go out with every guy who shows interest and know exactly what I want. I think people, especially people over 35, who join online dating sites looking for long-term commitment are going to be sorely disappointed. Long Term commitment no longer means moving in together or marriage. It means dating more than 6 months or so. Appropriate your expectations, learn how to filter and read people and embrace/understand your audience and you’ll have great success with online dating.
Unfortunately, I don’t this guy is the real deal. The wealthy man from another country schtick reeks of scammer or Man of Mystery type who flies around the world bedding women out of boredom. Since you admit that you are vulnerable, that cements my impression of this man even more. That is what these types specifically seek out. There are likely some clues to this vulnerability in your profile,too. If you have any mentions of being separated or unsure/hesitant in any way, that’s why draws men like this to you. As a commenter recently said, just because you and this guy got on well doesn’t mean he was actually interested in you. He was being polite. If he truly is wealthy and has the expendable cash flow to fly and meet you, I’m guessing he has just as many options a stone’s throw away from his WiFi spot. Therefore, why isn’t he dating one of those women if that’s what he actually wants? If he doesn’t have any options closer, then why?
Don’t fall into the trap of assuming that, because a guy stuck after he didn’t get sex, that means he’s “truly” interested. What else was he going to do? He was stuck somewhere unfamiliar and probably didn’t have anywhere else to go or anyone else to talk to. Trust me, he was hoping for and even expected sex. People don’t fly hundreds of miles for good conversation. I wouldn’t hold your breath hoping to see this guy again. He very well might text and chat with you, but you have dropped down the priority list.
As far as whether or not mystery is important, I say yes. That’s why you shouldn’t spend too much time communicating, flirting or otherwise “bonding” with someone you’ve only met online. It builds a false sense of security. It also makes you more vulnerable to those who might not be on the same page. You’ll get too comfortable and share things you probably shouldn’t share, which leaves you open to being tricked or bamboozled.
Going forward, I would avoid the rich jet setter types who live far away. My instinct says that 50% of those men are looking for the low hanging fruit, and the other 50% can’t find a woman close to them due to a critical personality flaw.
I wonder what was his excuse was for having a new mobile number.
Honestly, this international mystery man sounds married. He built up the promise of spending a great deal of time (several months?) with you in order to get you gushy so you’d sleep with him.
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>That’s why you shouldn’t spend too much time communicating, flirting or otherwise “bonding” with someone you’ve only met online. It builds a false sense of security.<
Seriously. (OMG, FetLife is FILLED with train wreck situations that started out exactly that way. Like an 18-year-old engaged to a creepy, possessive dude in his 50s that she's never even met? Christ, I hope some of them are a joke).
Yeah, the wealthy overseas Man of Mystery thing is a total red flag. The OP sounds pretty sensible, like she has a bit of a weakness for the fantasy but can kinda see through it. No harm in maintaining contact as long as she sees other people, has low expectations and an "I'll believe it when I see it" attitude. If she's starting to get really attached, maybe she should cut it off to save herself the grief.
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“Another country” might seem a bigger deal in the US. He might in reality live about 40 mins away. I have a friend in Belfast and I go to see him regularly enough, its no bigger deal than seeing any other friend, I just get on a plane instead of a train. I don’t think he considers me an Jet Setting International Man Of Mystery.
She is a little bit out on a limb there really and this might be worth keeping in mind. Its a major city but there isn’t much else beyond it and there are proportions of the population who aren’t available to any one person for relatively unusual reasons.
And OP, hope the ongoing and unsettling madness of late hasn’t been affecting you too much.
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Eh, someone from Chicago dating someone from Wisconsin isn’t in a “jet setting Man of Mystery” situation, but long distance is long distance (why seek someone far away when there are tons of people closer?). She did specifically mention he was wealthy.
I’m not really sure of the time frame in the story but it sounds like everything sounded great to her ’til he got back home and his attentions trickled off. Like he’s not “feeding” the relationship the way he used to and now she’s at a loss and wondering what that means, what she should do now, etc.
(Yeah, hope you’re safe, OP).
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I’m a bit confused. When they first met, did the guy live in here and then he had to go back home? Or did he come here to meet her? If it’s the first scenario, did he say up front in his profile that he was going to have to return to his country soon?
If it’s the second, yea, you do have to wonder why he purposely sought out someone thousands of miles away. I learned the lesson that this is the PERFECT way to say you are in a relationship and not have to deal with the day to day of actually being in one. Perfect for commitmentphobics or people who are tired of being asked if they have someone in their lives and are too wussy to say they are single by choice.
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I’m reading Moxie’s comments. It seems like after 35 there is no solution to find somebody. Yes, to moving together, traveling together etc. I don’t know how low expectations can be put. Dating forever?
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I think we attract what we are. Maybe over 35 and still single men arent looking to match up with women their age, but men over 45 just out of long term marriages often are.
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As a European born immigrant that has lived on three continents, I want to bring up that most of the “rules” that come with “dating” in America don’t necessarily apply anywhere else in the world.
And whilst I love America – best spot on the planet! – the one thing that America got totally backwards is the whole dating thing. A set of random rules and expectations from both sides that turn what is supposed to be the most beautiful interactions into headaches and complications.
Careful with advice about what is perceived as “normal”, if the OP lives outside the US.
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You are totally right. Dating rules are here different and unfortunately not on the positive way.
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What, specifically, do you take issue with? What, specifically, should be different about the advice for Clare given that she’s not in the U.S.?
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Both agree and disagree.
The thing about Internet Dating is that its forced American-style Dating (TM) (as women’s magazines call it) on the world to some extent purely through the nature of how it has to work.
Its an interesting question as to how much of the extra baggage involved we’ve begun to take on.
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I have heard people (from Europe) say that over there, dating is much more casual. Go to the pub with a group of friends, pair off and hook up and eventually you’ve got yourself a relationship. That the semi-formal “let’s plan mini-golf and appetizers – but not dinner! – with a near stranger” is a uniquely American concept. I don’t see how that’s relevant to the OP’s letter or the advice given, though.
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Less formal but not necessarily more casual.
People are unamused by the person dating multiple people at once for example.
Its just different. I actually think American practices work much better particularly for men (because its must easier to just ask someone out because having a few rules makes it less threatening perhaps) and for people in general who are out of their mid 20s.
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The “let’s all go to the pub” thing sounds nice in some ways (you’re in a comfortable environment having fun regardless) and high drama potential in others (everybody knows everybody and all hanging out in a big fishbowl environment).
I’m still not seeing what about the U.S./Euro differences pertain to the OP (she met someone from another country online).
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Both Chris and Moxie make valid points. Different reference points so different points of view. Neither is wrong per se, nor are they necessarily correct. As with most things it depends.
I know of a couple of couples who lived in different countries (Europe) and so I would not immediately discount it. Not saying it’s the norm or works for everybody, but it can happen.
However, you might proceed with a bit of caution for all the obvious reasons with this guy. Go where things take you, but if things just don’t seem to add up or the arrangements aren’t to your liking, then find out to your own comfort level and satisfaction.
Second, and this may be getting a bit ahead of yourself….What is the end point? The distance issue necessarily means that relocation of one or both is a distinct possibility (depending on what you are looking for). That is something that cannot be ignored.
Hope things work out for the best.
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International/Long-distance dating
In this particular case, the guy indeed sounds like a scammer, for all the reasons noted above.
But even if both people are sincere and relationship-focused, I think long-distance “relationships” are not generally feasible. Even if all goes well, one person has to eventually give up their local career/lives to relocate—not an easy decision to make.
If the relationship is international, then you have a huge hurdle in that you usually can’t really stay with that person for more than 90/180-day stints unless you get a work permit/residency card (fairly difficult), an investor visa, etc. The only real shortcut is marriage.
Yes, yes, I know we live in a global age and I’ll get a lot of thumbs-down and anecdotes about “a Canadian friend who married a Finn met while on business in Helsinki.” Still, I think those few exceptions just prove the rule.
“Real Love” online:
As far as I understand, two of our regular posters, Trouble and Craig, got married after meeting someone online. There must be tens of thousands of others, statistically, and I imagine this number is growing every day. I think Moxie will also succeed in this way online, eventually, because she is dating in a very sophisticated, efficient, layered and self-aware way.
Caveat “Real Love” online:
I think an important caveat is one’s definition of “real love.” If a person is looking for a long-term (as in years or marriage), reliable partner online, I think this is doable and is being done by people all the time. However, if a person is looking for someone “awesome” in the Don Draper/Beyoncé fashion, permanent disappointment must follow. The definitions of “partner” and “love” and such have to be realistic and mature, not drawn from the media.
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Why wouldn’t you just look for a relationship closer to home? Why do you want to deal with all the hassle of trying to overcome all the distance issues? Not only that, even if it did work out–which it won’t–it is a mess if one of you has to uproot your life to move to where the other person lives. Think it through. Whether or not he’s a scammer, it’s a bad arrangment.
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Nothing says, ‘I’m a successful dating coach” like spamming a blog with comments, amirite?
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