I knew the moment he showed up at the bar that I wasn’t attracted to him. I just knew it. This was a rare occurrence for me. In the last 2 years, I have not had one date that didn’t turn into a second/third/fourth/etc date, a request for a second date, a short-term relationship, or..whatever. In the two or three instances where none of that occurred it was because I was the one doing the rejecting. So there I sat with my mojito, looking at his watch, wondering when was the appropriate time to tell him I didn’t feel any magic.
About 20 minutes in he took the menu and started looking it over trying to decide what to order. I couldn’t let him do that. Not only was I not going to let him spend money unnecessarily, I also didn’t want to sit there not eating while he ate or somehow mentally trying to rush him through his meal. So I just came out with it. Ripped that band aid right off. We made it to the 45 minute mark and we said our good byes.
That was the first time in a long time I had to do that. The one other time was with a guy about 2 years earlier. This was a date clear cut “casual” date. The date was designed to determine physical chemistry. I knew going into that date that I wasn’t 100% on board with hooking up with him. When we met I knew it was a no go. The problem? I sensed he was kind of…volatile. Again, I did not let the date progress beyond pleasantries and a cocktail. As expected I was met with a tongue lashing that lasted into the next day. Even when I emailed him to apologize if he felt I had wasted his time, I was met with a barrage of insults.
It’s a tricky situation, right? You show up and, upon meeting someone and giving them that warm hug, you just…know. You know that they’re disappointed or not feeling it. When I was heavier, I got that tweak on almost every date. I would sit there and literally feel the guy trying to accumulate enough minutes before he could say good bye. There was one date that so stuck out in my mind that, when the same guy from the date rated me highly on OKC a few months ago, I replied to him and told him what an unpleasant experience it was to meet him the first time around. I should have been flattered that he didn’t recognize me, etc. I know. I couldn’t help it.
I’ve never sat there and tried to make myself be attracted to someone. It’s either there or it’s not. I never felt a need to give it time to see if the attraction would materialize. As someone here has said before, who wants to be with someone that has to be convinced to want to see them again?
In an ideal situation neither of you are feeling it. Then you can get through one drink and skeedaddle. Then there’s Scenario B. That’s when you know you’re date is feeling it and you aren’t. Those are the sticky ones. There are, of course, two ways to handle it. You either smile through it and say nothing misleading. Then when you get the email suggesting another date you simply say that you didn’t think you and they were a match. Or you just tell them after the first round that things won’t be progressing, etc. Neither are especially pleasant. I suppose telling someone face to face is a little harsh and uncomfortable. I’d rather do that than allow them to think things are headed a certain way and then blindside them.
How do you handle this sort of thing? Do you know right away? Do you try to wait and see if the attraction will build? Do you leave?
How have you handled it when you’ve been the one who was dismissed?
Would you ever tell someone flat out that you weren’t physically attracted to them? Or do you lie?