Name: Phil
Age: 26
Question: Hello,I’m an attractive mid-20 year old male from a large east coast city. Last summer, amidst the beginnings of the end of the recession, I took a promotion two steps above my previous position. However, in doing so, I had to move to the middle of nowhere for a year. To me, this didn’t seem like it would be too much of a problem to deal with this until July when I can relocate back to my major city (I’m a Federal Employee). I routinely drive 3.5 hours back to visit friends/old haunts and engage in activities and consider the effort completely worth it.
I currently put in a lot of time, effort, and money to keep up appearances and network, but I’m at a severe disadvantage when it comes to being “on top of my game” after going through what I go through to get places. (1 hour drive on back roads, followed by 2.5 hours of interstate driving, plus I work at 5 AM – 5 PM 4 days per week)
Due to that, and the fact that I live in the middle of nowhere, I really don’t have any other option for dating besides looking online. I would prefer to date someone back home where I will return this summer after completing my year here. This is for a number of reasons, but mainly because I get along much better with them than the people I am surrounded by currently in the boonies.
I have explained my situation in the profile I that I created. However, I get no responses from the people I message. I am figuring the reason for this is that they don’t want to deal with someone who is currently this far away. I find it frustrating that someone who is more than willing to make the effort to accomplish this and come to them, plus will be living back there in 5 months anyways, gets brushed aside because of the perceived distance factor.
What are your thoughts?
My thoughts are that you are at a severe disadvantage and therefore should not try to date until you are back home. Regardless of whether or not you are willing to make all of the effort, you come to the table with a high degree of difficulty. People want simple and easy. They want to be able to meet up for an impromptu drink or dinner or even late night booty call. They want that as an option. They don’t want to deal with someone who has to drive a couple hours to see them, especially when they’re surrounded by people who live but a stone’s throw away. Throw in weather and traffic and hectic work schedules and you’ll soon amass a number of canceled dates and plans re-arranged in order to accommodate someone’s travel schedule. It’s a hassle and nobody wants to deal with it, especially when they have plenty of other viable candidates so close by.
In general, I don’t know why anybody would want to put themselves through the agony of starting a relationship off this way. It would be one thing if you were dating someone and they got transferred and you wanted to try and make it work. But to begin a relationship at this kind of disadvantage? Nah. Not going to work. Sure, everybody has that story of their friend, colleague or college roommate who found love over state lines. That’s adorable. Those are the exceptions to the rule and not the rule. Between the financial wear and tear involved to the huge time and energy suck, eventually the relationship pays the price.
Unless you’re with someone on an ongoing basis, day in and day out, you have no idea how truly compatible you actually are. There’s this big void of unknown going on because you have no idea what your partner is doing in those times they’re not with you. That buffer provided by the distance will convince you that you and your hunny bunny are super-mega-compatible. Then you move to the same city and the magic and mystery is gone. True compatibility is determined after the mystique is no longer as prevalent.
Overall it’s an issue of convenience and desiring someone with a similar mentality. You can cry foul and say that that’s an elitist and shallow decision based mostly on a desire to date “high earners” or some other such nonsense, but that’s just your way of trying to make yourself feel better for not being able to live in a city.
If you’re casting your bait into a city pond, those people are going to want to date city people. That’s it. Whine about it if you like, folks.People live in cities for a reason, and that reason is to be around people who think like they do
It’s hard to argue with the above response, “dead on” comes to mind. Sorry, but online dating is not your best bet at the moment. Here is a suggestion, whenever you are back home, spend some time growing your networks of friends and acquaintances, try to do things where you get to meet new people. I think your chances of meeting someone will be much higher that way, especially whenever you get back, which is only 5 months away. Plus, if you meet someone in real life and make a really good connection, I think in most cases they would be willing to make it work in your situation. Hope this helps.
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I agree with the above – make new friends in your old city so you have connections when u get home.
If you really want to try online, then I suggest you put your home city as your location and explain the situation when you talk to potential dates on the phone – if it’s a sure thing that you will be back in town in five months it might not be that big a deal to some people.
You’ve got to remember that lots of people are full of bs. You might be inadvertently scaring off ladies who think you are going to try to move in with them when you come home, or that five months will turn into one more year will turn into never ever. At your age, most women get a great deal of attention so it’s very, very easy to reject somebody for an issue like convenience.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Phil, you’re not doing yourself any favors trying to “date” long distance. You have six months before you’re back “home.” You get no responses to admitting your plight because no one wants to deal with the added geographic issues you have at the moment. Deal with dating there when you get back. No one in your home city is going to take you seriously until then. In the meantime, take a look where you are and see what’s available for the short-term, opportunities are everywhere, if you know where to look and how to engage them. Or just bide your time until you get back to where you want to be…
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“My thoughts are that you are at a severe disadvantage and therefore should not try to date until you are back home. Regardless of whether or not you are willing to make all of the effort, you come to the table with a high degree of difficulty. People want simple and easy.”
Of course that first line of your answer sums up the current situation. But it’s also a look into the reason why we are where we are when it comes to dating. Whatever happened to service men and women’s girlfriends and boyfriends? Everybody deserves somebody.
Simple and easy is good. but whatever happened to love conquers all?
I am not up to date on the sites for online dating, but I am sure there has to be some site catering to long distance situations. My advice would be to go in that direction.
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Hi Howard-what happened to love conquers all? Work, demands in terms of time – that’s what happened. With the exception of knowing someone that has had to go away due to military demands–it’s truly unrealistic and very difficult to “develop” a relationship from scratch – if there is a time and distance factor that creates such difficulty. People have to work to survive – and last time I looked around – there really are few 9am-5pm positions out there. Employers are truly demanding. It’s tough enough commuting to/from home and work and having a moment to rest – before one needs to do that all over again. Sure–you can be on the phone with someone…but ANY relationship requires one on one time facetime to flourish and progress.
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There used to be such a thing as penpals. How did peoole make that work 40 years ago? This guy is obviously not for most, but it amazes me with all the tech available, people gravitate to him doing nothing when more than a century ago, people did something with mail order brides in the total absence of modern technology.
Stop making it so personal people. If you want nothing to do with this type of situation, that does not mean every woman should feel the same. It is precisely why this blog is filled with so many continuously manless hess running from one illusion to another.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Eliza – I think what you mean is that any relationship with YOU needs that one on one face time constantly. Personally, my boyfriend lives in Cali, I live in New York. Every 3 weeks or so we see each other for 3-4 days straight. I’ve dated numerous men in NYC, but I’ve never been happier than I am now. It’s incredibly hard, but if you meet the right person it’s also worth it for a relatively short amount of time. But that’s just my point of view.
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Simple and easy is good. but whatever happened to love conquers all?
Geez, Howard, He’s looking for dates, not already involved and pining for a lost love. Besides, “love conquers all” is a myth, a poetic conceit that wasn’t even true in Virgil’s time.
The guy has 6 months before he’s back home in his preferred dating ground, yet you want to lament that people won’t do the difficult thing and give long-distance relationships a chance. O! Woe is us! We’re not talking about long-distance relationships, but the huge extra effort involved in long-distance dating.
Everybody deserves somebody.
Manifestly untrue. Nobody “deserves” another person, or romance, or a date. Get a grip, man. You have a very misty-eyed view of how everyone else should act.
Fact is, Moxie is correct. If Phil can’t find anyone locally that he’s interested in to day, 6 months isn’t that long a time. Hes’ a a huge disadvantage trying to interest dates in the city from 3.5 hours away. Your rose-colored specs don’t change that…
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Agree with Moxie’s advice. Agree with D’Alias that lots of people are full of bs and reading your situation in your profile could easily trip off some “but what does this *really* mean?” triggers. Five months really isn’t that long to wait. If he’s itchy to get laid before the five months are up, he can create a new profile with his current town seeking short-term/casual.
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I see it a bit differently as someone who’s been commuting 5-6 hrs for 4 yrs, although it’s been between 2 large cities. It seems that Phil works 4 very long days, so he probabaly has 3 days off consecutively, prob a weekend and either Mon or Fri. He says he returns home often so he’s there on days off already. He can work to start a relationship and work at it on his days off assuming he is certain (as much as anything in life) that he’ll be home in 5 months. If the attraction is there, she should be able to deal with 5 months of only seeing him on weekends. Maybe he can’t do the impromptu mid-week happy hour or movie but he can look around now and see who’s out there. Many others who llive in the same metro area, esp those commuting 1-2 hrs each way every work day, can’t connect often on weeknights due to work schedules so his situation isn’t that different
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My question is – if Phil works such long days–why wouldn’t he want time to himself – on his days off? 5 months is not long at all. Just enjoy the weekends…find a nice hobby like hiking, working out…the weekends come and go so quickly–if you work 5am-5pm weeknights–and drive that much, wouldn’t you be totally exhausted and just want some personal time to get R&R and unwind from it all? What is the urgency? It’s not as though he is indefinitely stuck in the “boonies”. Take this time (5 months) to get fit, find a new interest, learn a new language perhaps. It’s so short-term, why bother with the non-sense of online dating anyway–especially given the circumstances of distance/travel time.
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This is such bad advice. Forget these women on this board. There are still women that would wait for you like your great grandma did for great grandpa during some war. Besides, you probably will end up seeing your love interest most weekends. I was married for twenty years to someone who i met from a city four hours from where I was then living. I lterally drove 4 hours alnost every weekend for a year.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Very unlikely. You’re describing a society that existed 70+ years ago where not waiting for one’s intended would smack of treason. That is absolutely not the case today. The advice that Phil should learn some new interests, relax etc are the better choices. Just figure how much addtional $$$ he’ll have on hand to use in his search for his lady love after his dating hiatus.
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Eliza- Just because you wouldn’t date someone who lives that far away, doesnt mean another woman wouldn’t. You make it sound like he is committing a crime for even considering it. I agree its probably not the best idea- certainly not the easist way to meet people. But if wants to try then let him go for it. Moxie pretty much agrees the odds are stacked against him and it will be tough. But he obviously wants to otherwise he would not have written.
But the way you carry on about this is just nonsense. The guy isnt allowed to date according to you. And you suggest that working out and maybe learning a new language is better use of his time? OP- Dont listen to Eliza’s advice. Any woman who thinks that getting a Rosetta Stone DVD is a substitute for human touch is not a good source of info.
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John, the op is clearly not having any success with the current log distance dating situation. Yet you and the other commentators suggest that he keeps pounding his head against a wall, when the problem will dissipate entirely in 5 short months. Your “advice” is clearly not helpful.
The op should certainly listen to the femal commentators here – his goal is to date WOMEN, and female views are a lot more important for his end goal. Listening to a bunch of fellow men who also have limited dating success is not productive at all.
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Any advice is better than no advice, at the very least it exposes us to how other people think, which in itself is a good thing (IMO). This is food for thought not survival. I looked back through some older posts and found that this topic has been beaten fairly extensively. Online dating and distance does not mix almost all of the time, as in the reply rates. Hell, there are people in Manhattan who would not date people in Brooklyn or Queens, who may actually be closer to them than some other people in Manhattan. Not for me to judge. People seem to be a lot less flexible online, than in real life. Remember, bottom line, online dating should never be your primary or only way of meeting people to date, short of extreme circumstances.
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>People seem to be a lot less flexible online, than in real life.<
Exactly, because they have less to go on. Long distance relationships can and do work all the time, but there's got to be pretty strong incentive to want to try it (you've already met/dated/had your socks knocked off). If it's just some dude/gal online that you hope might be pleasant to grab a beer with – not so much. Why bother, when there are tons of people closer? As to Howard's "what happened to love conquers all?" – if there's love there, sure, but we're talking about strangers on the Internet.
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Exactly. Why will women pick someone closer? Probably for the same reason men would: because they can.
I’m not saying Phil should abandon all hope and just quit dating altogether, necessarily. But he should approach this realistically and not be surprised if he’s not getting a lot of feedback. I suppose the flipside is that if he does, chances are she’s pretty interested.
You could always hide the information in the profile or divulge it over the phone or on a date or whathaveyou, but even then, when you’re just getting to know someone, the other person has to be pretty open-minded and/or smitten with you to say “Sure, I don’t mind seeing you sporadically.” Also, bear in mind the logistical concerns that’ll kick in if you do hit it off — they’ll have to come see you, too, which may be a real pain in the ass for them.
Can all of this work? Yeah, it can, although it’s unusual. In the mid-2000s, I was involved with a girl for a year and a half who lived about a 90 min drive from me. We only saw each other weekly during that time. Although the relationship did end, it didn’t end because of the distance. But the distance was still an obstacle for each of us.
When it comes to online dating, people are a LOT less tolerant of anything less than imagined perfection. Phil may be a great guy and have a lot going for him, but on paper he’s gonna stand out as “less than ideal” to a lot of women who’d otherwise maybe give him a shot.
So, online dating may not be the best venue for him, but continued visits to the city where he might meet someone could work out in his favor. And what the hell, if he’s already headed there to hang out with his friends, why not? Maybe he meets someone out and about and they hit it off.
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OP, I think you’re creating a problem where there is none. Just don’t date until you’re back. Maybe it’s even better to just go out with your new male friends and not start a local relationship if you do manage to meet someone organically – what are you going to do when you’ll have to go back to your big city?
One year is a very short time period. I know, you are very young and you have some physical needs, they are at their peak, but, without being crude, there are ways to take care of that on your own without straining yourself physically that much, especially given your very early work hours.
I personally hate being in a car, unless I really need to, so for me it would be out of question. Thankfully, I never had to deal with long distance relationships, although there was one heartbreaking love story that was related to a distance problem, but in a very different way.
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Agree although personally I’d be up for the delusional long distance relationship scenario described.
Weekends only (plausible alibi), everyone on their best behaviour and every minute precious.
Struggling to locate the problem with it.
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Honestly, at the start of a relationship who has time for more than two nights a week together? That’s not so bad, and there are always vacations and long weekends. I think a few people on here are making mountains out of mole hills.
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Hi Phil. I have to agree that meeting someone online and making it work long distance is fairly unlikely. Not impossible, but unlikely. However, I also have to agree with Howard that if you meet someone in person and have a strong connection, 5 months isn’t so bad. It still is hard though. If you really want to date someone now, I would suggest that when you meet someone you like – in person – hang out with them when you’re around. I wouldn’t throw a relationship at them right away, that’s a little scary. But if in a few weeks you both really enjoy each other’s company, and BOTH of you want to see what could happen down the road, then why not? What’s to lose? If you don’t meet anybody that’s worth the trouble that a long distance relationship will cause – because, believe me, it will cause problems – then just wait until you get back. Five months isn’t so long to be single either
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As someone is kind of in the same situation….I think the best advice is to just relax.
I ended up moving for work thinking I would probably transfer to the office close to where I had been living or just change jobs after my initial commitment. Well, that clearly is not going to be doable. My current manager is not going to let me change locations, I cannot look for a different job in the same company til that time is up…who knows if another manager would let me work out of that office. The job market back there for my skills is still in the tank. So, here I am stuck in this suburb with little to no dating prospects. And I still have responsibilities close to where I had been living so I am there a lot.
Would I like to be dating someone back home? Yep. But I realize that is unlikely to happen with my current situation. I would be interested in dating someone here but the prospects are very low…even if I drive into the “big” city from the suburbs it still isn’t good…in fact most of them think i live too far away.
So I have kind of resigned myself to not dating right now until something changes and no clear idea of when that might happen.
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I couldn’t help but put my two cents in on this one. The op is wondering why he isn’t getting any responses to people he is talking to online. What we DON’T know is how many people he has messages, their personailties, nor have we seen their dating profile or his dating profile. What you’re I’m essence saying is, if there was not a one line entry on his profile saying he’ll be going back to his hometown in 5 months.
First off, for anyone who has dated someone who travels alot, moving is a norm, not the exception. So anyone who thinks the op will be in his hometown for any long period
of time is making an assumption, probably a false one. I speak from experience on this one. Generally, when you’re that involved in your career, travelling is part of your life. If that is the case, he shouldnt set up a profile when he is back home.
More importantly, how does he know they aren’t into him because of the distance. Maybe he’s just plain not their type. Maybe his picture isn’t great. Maybe he is messaging girls that aren’t interested. Or maybe there’s something about him other than the distance that is making girls not interested.
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