Name: E.B.
Age: 28
State: WA
Question: Here is my situation.. I was in a 9 year relationship and got divorced in the summer of 2011. We were together from the time I was 17 until I was 26. He put me down a lot and we did not enjoy spending time together and wanted different things, he decided he did not want children, and so I decided it was time to move on. When I made that decision my mother decided that it was all my fault, I am a horrible person and my parents have not spoken to me in a year and a half. In the fall of 2011 I met a person I simply refer to as POS. the first 2 months were fine but then I started to find out things he had lied about. To make a long story short after about 4 months it all ended in a very dramatic week in which I was held hostage in my own home, threatened daily until he was arrested, my house searched, my car seized by the police as he had apparently been taking it on drugs runs and robberies. I found out he was lying about pretty much everything… His name, his past, his job, where he was what he was doing… Was there red flags? Hell yes. Was I am idiot and ignored them because I was depressed and wanted desperately to feel someone loved me? Hell yes.I now suffer from PTSD and severe anxiety which has made dating difficult to say the least. I have moved across the country to try and get a fresh start. I am fine in a casual dating setting but in the 2 relationships I have attempted to take to a more serious level have ended in disaster. As soon as I begin to develop feelings I also begin with the panic attacks and anxiety. I become extremely needy, clingy, jealous and basically turn into a lunatic. I am aware of it. Aware I am driving them away. But it’s like I can’t control it by that point. I totally lose my confidence and happiness and become consumed with what this person is doing and thinking. I am convinced everything is a lie and they are using me.
I have begun counseling to deal with my issues but I love this website and the no nonsense approach so I wanted to see if there was another interpretation of my behavior and the way I now view relationships and if anyone has been in a similar situation what helped to get through it. I am planning on taking some time off of dating because I do not want to treat another person the way I treated the last person. Thanks for any feedback and advice!!
Well, I’m no therapist but you sound like you can’t be alone and are probably a bit co-dependent. You were divorced in the summer of 2011 and by fall of 2011 you’re already in a new relationship. Of course you ignored the red flags. You wanted the relationship to work because you didn’t want to be on your own.
It’s not enough to go, “Yup, I ignored the red flags.” The more pressing issue is why you ignored them. You knew the guy was a dirt bag but stayed with him anyway. That’s the real problem, not that you somehow got bamboozled by his lies, as you didn’t. That’s bullshit.
As I’ve said before, stable people don’t find themselves being held hostage in their own home by their drug dealer boyfriend. It doesn’t happen that way. Just like women with their shit together or an accurate perception of themselves don’t wind up dating some married man or con artist. Women who find themselves involved with men like this put themselves in those situations in one way or another. Either they place importance on qualities common in these smarmy and shady types or they enjoy the drama and self-victimization. Those results are merely outliers to the deeper issues. That’s just how the issues manifest. That situation, while obviously scarring in some way, isn’t why you get needy and clingy and anxious and drive men away. That behavior has been there all along and is part and parcel in why you get in the unhealthy relationships you get into.
Dating detoxes are swell and all, but they really serve no purpose other than to make you feel like you’re proactively trying to solve the problem. It’s a great thing to say, of course. It sounds like you’re making a healthy and rational decision. People say a lot of things to convince themselves and others that they’re trying to do the right thing. None of that matters. What matters is results. The true test is to take what you learn through therapy and apply it. That’s where the rubber hits the road.
I don’t really buy that you want to hear other people’s experiences. I think you’re more interested in commiserating. That’s typically why people take to the internet and crowd source their problems. They don’t really want answers. They want sympathy and attention. They want validation for how they handles things so they can feel a little less bad about themselves and their behavior. Harsh, I know.
But it’s true.
Bang on ! Thankyou!
It drives me crazy this victim mentality and “poor little me” attitude. Actions speak louder than words, if you want a healthy stable relationship, stop dating the “bad boy” types and walk at the first sign of disrespectful behaviour. Sorry I will not be enabling your pity party, but I’m sure there are lots of support groups/whiner groups online for you.
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Guys, grab your britches and run for the hills. Women like this scare the living daylights out of me. When I read this type of stuff, I never fall for any of it. I get the sense of a very selective retelling of these stories.
Your parents not taking your side is a dead giveaway. You have encountered your share of assholes, but you are probably a jerk too. We do tend to attract just what we put out there. My only advice is to re-evaluate your moral compass. I am not a religious fanatic, but you could use some now.
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“Your parents not taking your side is a dead giveaway”
Great insight Howard. This is worth more than a thumbs up.
“I don’t really buy that you want to hear other people’s experiences”
I agree with Moxie on this one too. I dont think there is much of an audience that had parents not take their side in a divorce and then date a druglord months later. So I am not sure what experiences the OP is hoping to get insight on.
AT first I thought the response from Moxie was harsh but after rereading it I think it is dead on. I just hope the OPs therapist gives it to her straight since its the only way to get better. If the therapist asks creampuff questions and shows too much empathy to the OPs history, she will never get better. If she doesnt get better then the OP can go on POF. Lots of failed therapy nutjobs there.
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I disagree that her parents not taking her side is (necessarily) a mark against her. It’s certainly a bad sign of something, but we don’t know what kind of people they are, and downthread she said there was physical and emotional abuse in her childhood.
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The women that I know that are like this fall into 1 of 2 categories when they finally partner up:
1. Lady finds and AMAZING man that is patient and helps her work through her issues/ paranoia one day at a time.
2. Lady finds a man that is just as imperfect as she is and they have a roller coaster relationship of drastic highs and drastic lows and little by little they actually manage to learn from all the painful experiences and grow out of the roller coaster, together.
I have a few friends in category 1 that spend endless amounts of time and energy on therapy and self help books but ultimately the only thing that saved them was finding that amazing partner (usually a younger, sweet, less experienced man). Of course, I have seen them fall apart all over again when such relationship ends.
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While I don’t find above comments off base, I do have to say that at 17 no one is done maturing and being a full functioning adult. Then to spend 9 years in a seemingly bad relationship, have a fallout with your parents, start dating a drug dealer (is it me or it seems like a large part of the story is missing?) and continue seeking relationships, is just not all that healthy. But how in the world is she supposed to really know what’s good or bad for her, or the right thing to do? It seems to me that she is ready to move on with her life and is clear that she needs some help. That’s a good start. I think she needs to find herself first, as a mature young independent woman. Take time to learn to be by yourself, take on mental health counseling, repair relationships with parents, build relationships with friends. Discover who you are and what’s important to you, same would be true for anyone. If you fail to take the advice provided on this blog, then you are just proving this was all to start a pitty party, as you can tell that’s clearly not going to happen, but then again it’s your life on the line.
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I wondered if anyone was going to address this. I find it odd that the OP’s parents were supportive of her getting married at 17 to begin with. Perhaps the OP’s home life was unstable, and she married a guy she thought would “rescue” her and take care of her? This would tie in neatly with the whole staying 9 years in a bad relationship situation and the like.
Regardless of the foundation of it all, OP this is sound, sound advice. Attracting to attract a stable, healthy partner is much easier when you are stable and healthy yourself. Focus on yourself for a while. Learn to take care of yourself before attempting to team up with someone else. I wish you well.
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This may be a little redundant of Moxie’s OP and some other comments, but I’ve seen this type of behavior up close before. My sister suffered from this type of issue, though not to the same degree as the OP.
The OP was in a relationship at 17 and after a divorce was back in another–toxic–relationship mere months afterward because she was “depressed” and desperate to feel someone loved her. When trying for a fresh start, she gets panicky, clingy, jealous, and needy whenever it looks like some sort of relationship might be forming.
The bottom line is that she simply can’t be alone and her feelings of self-worth are tied up in her relationships, which is why she started up with and stayed with the drug dealer and goes nuts when even a nascent relationship is forming. She’s desperate for those relationships to “work out” to validate herself.
After my sister’s second husband died of cancer (long story), she started “dating” a series of guys that were clearly inappropriate. While only one was a seriously f-ed up asshole, the rest were just general losers. I remember talking to her about why she felt compelled to get involved–sometimes seriously–with just about anyone who came along. She freely admitted that she simply couldn’t stand being alone, not even for a weekend. Fortunately, after a series of missteps, she eventually found a great guy and they’ve been married for nearly 20 years.
This is something I learned a long, long time ago: you aren’t going to be able to be happy living (or having a relationship with) with someone else until you are happy living with just yourself. If you can’t be happy in your own skin, you’ll look for someone else’s to be happy in, and that’s usually a recipe for disaster.
My advice for the OP would be to simply stop dating at all for a period of time, like a year or so. Get your own shit together. Therapy may help, I don’t know. And when you do start dating again, take things slowly and don’t rush into a “relationship” until you can honestly say that while you want it to happen, you don’t need it to happen.
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Thanks everyone for your responses. This was not intended as a pity party, sorry if it came off that way. You are spot on when you say I do not have good self worth I also admit I can be can be an ass at times. I don’t think your comments were harsh or rude, I am really looking for honest feedback because I do know I am a big part of the problem. I am in need of a wake up call. I can’t try to fix things if I am blinded by my own perception of the problem.
And yes, my childhood was unstable with physical and emotional abuse. I do feel a lot of times like I am not capable of taking care of myself which I think is why I have trouble being single.
P.S. I didn’t mean I was looking for another person being held hostage by their psycho ex-bf. Just people that had problems with self worth, trust issues, etc. and how the hell thru overcame them.
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EB;
I think that there are many questions that might best be asked on a sight such as this one and expect legitimate and fair responses
However, your particular situation might be best dealt with by a mental health professional. Continue to see the counselor at this point. There appear to be a number of serious issues at work here, and before you venture out into the dating world you might continue the counseling you start. Not only for the initial work up, but to monitor your progress.
Until you get a better handle on things, it would probably be an injustice to yourself and to others to bring this much into the dating scene at this point in time.
Hope things improve.
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