Can you please write a post on this idea that “He got scared…” is the reason why two people aren’t together?
If I hear from one more girlfriend that such and such didn’t work out because “he got scared” I’m going to scream. Where is this coming from?! Who branded that phrase and handed it to women everywhere? It’s dumb. – Kierstin
There is a long list of what I like to call Dating Myths that are perpetuated throughout the years by women. For the most part, these lies are repeated to spare feelings or serve to validate the delusions of the women saying them. Take an hour or so to cruise your Facebook page on any given day and you’ll stumble across several of these fictional explanations. Such as:
Maybe he got scared – At some point, some woman read a trashy romance novel or watched some sudsy afternoon serial and saw a male character cower when faced with true love. Things got too “real.” He wasn’t ready. He’s been hurt before. Lies, lies, lies..yeah. Men don’t shy away from a great relationship because things got too close for comfort. They do, however, back off when they feel the woman is getting too serious and they don’t return the interest. Men aren’t afraid of their feelings. What they fear is how women interpret their feelings and express their own.
He’s a player - We discussed this yesterday. Women throw around the word player to shame any man who refuses to commit to her. Mind you, in the majority of these cases, the guy all but came with a warning label with a skull and cross bones on it that declared him bad news.
He just wanted sex - If a man disappears after 3 dates and no booty, he just wanted sex. If he disappears after 3 dates and he did get laid, he just wanted sex. What you don’t hear about when these particular stories are told is how egregiously difficult/insufferable/humorless/all around unlikeable the woman was. Sure, there are some cases when the guy was never sincere and piled it on in the hopes of getting laid. But regardless of what your gal pals tell you, these guys are not as common as you think. More often than not, they just decide they aren’t interested.
Maybe he didn’t get your email/text/voicemail -He did. Trust me. He did. He wasn’t sick, out of town, busy at work or in a no signal area. He just wasn’t interested. Your friends want you to follow up again just to make sure you look totally obsessive and crazy. That way they can feel better about blowing up that one guy’s phone they met on Jdate that time.
He was intimidated by you - Nope. Not true in most cases. He just wasn’t interested in taking things further or seeing you again. You weren’t too smart for him or too successful or too assertive. He. just. wasn’t.interested.
If he was really interested in you, he would have contacted you – In theory, this makes sense. But let’s role play, shall we? Guy asks woman out, pays for everything, follows up next day and sets another date. Again, he pays for everything and she doesn’t even pretend to want to contribute. Kiss on the cheek good night. Turns down invite to go back to his place. He’s thinking she’s not all that interested. He moves on. Ball is in your court. Your friends will tell you not to call him. Why? Because that one time they did that it didn’t work for them. Or because they believe the guy should do all the heavy lifting until he proves he’s worthy. And that’s why they’re single. In these scenarios, the man is waiting for the woman to take some initiative.
When I met Mr. XYZ, he did everything right/Everything just clicked - Everything? Unlikely. It’s important to remember, as harsh as this might sound, there are just some people who don’t have a hell of a lot of options so they try harder. Oh, your handsome gentleman caller of 4 weeks brought you a book you mentioned in passing on your first date? How quaint and not at all awkward or unsettling. No no. That’s totally normal and healthy that you two established such a bond so quickly. Really. Whenever you hear these stories from women about how they snagged their guy, consider the source and consider their options.
He’s a coward/pussy/weak/lazy - More like he’s just not as invested or interested as you are, or possibly not at all. He’s not going to tell you that, because he either wishes to keep you in his break in case of emergency booty file or because he actually is a decent guy and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. No, you don’t want him to be honest. I can almost guarantee you that the real reason he never asked you out again was because he wasn’t attracted to you enough or found you unpleasant or boring.
Never settle - Translation: Be alone like me so I have someone to hang out with or call and complain to because all my other friends have extricated me from their lives for being a downer. The women who cling to this one are the same ones who won’t go out with men because of the way they ordered food on a date. They’re uber-picky and have absolutely no right to be so. What’s funny is that men who never settle are called, you guessed it, players.
You can do better – Ehh…that’s debateable. If you could, you probably would. Maybe you could do better. You just don’t want to do better.
Very good post. i think we women overanalyze situations sometimes when it just really boils down to “he just wasn’t that into you”.
Also female friends (especially single ones) have an interest in you not being in a relationship, at least not before them.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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Yeah. The last girl I broke up with tried the “you’re afraid of commitment” bit; I’d like to commit someday, I just didn’t want to commit with her.
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Then you were afraid of commitment…. to her.
If a man won’t give a woman what she wants, then shaming him is one option. Accusing him of being homosexual, being weak, being cowardly ( afraid ), all of these can shame men into compliance.
Of course it’s a last ditch attempt; it mostly backfires.
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Yeah. She also tried the “But I accept you for who you are!” Considering that, over the courtship, I repeatedly and firmly stated my desire to go slow and casual, how is suddenly pressuring me into hurrying up to something more serious accepting?
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Uh, as far as I can figure out what you mean, I guess it’s not. Accepting, that is.
Not that my point had anything to do with acceptance on anyone’s part.
I was only interested in the phrase “fear of commitment,” as compared to “not willing to commit,” and why women find ways to say things that implicitly shame men according to our values of masculinity.
Under some circumstances.
oofda.
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“She also tried the ‘But I accept you for who you are!’”
Maybe she was referring to someting other than your desire to go slow and keep things casual. Any idea what she had in mind? I would be horrified if a woman said that to me and I didn’t know exactly what she was talking about.
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I believe she mistook “we have similar interests in entertainment” with “I accept you for who you are!” A mutual like of Joss Whedon shows is not necessarily a sign of us being soulmates.
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For a lot of people, it’s a lot easier to accept that the other person is all screwed up than it is to accept that you just didn’t fit what they were looking for. Disappointment is always easier when you can dump it at someone else’s feet.
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This is why I always pass over (or don’t respond to messages from) profiles where the woman states, “You must get along with my friends.” It’s normal to at least be civil to a partner’s friends and family, even if no real bond emerges. No need to put it in a profile.
Therefore, I translate “you must get along with my friends” as “you must impress my single female friends, who will consistently critique your behavior behind your back and hold veto power over our entire relationship.”
I pass over even quicker when they write, “you must get along with my dog/cat, who is never wrong about people.” I won’t be critiqued by a cat.
Boo! Thumbs down on Speed! Boo! Anyway, I pass.
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For me anyway, those “you must” statements in a profile are a turn off, come off as bossy and controlling. The more there are the bigger the turnoff. And I think women are guiltier of this than men
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Well, I don’t know what women are writing on their profiles, but the guys on OKC go as far as saying: You must not own a pair of Uggs or flip flops, or Crocs. You must be able to travel at a snap of my fingers.
WHAT??? I can’t hear you.
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Here’s my usual response to the “you must” qualifiers:
“So cupcake, what do you bring to the dating and relationship table?”
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Great article, lot of good points made on there. I’d also like to throw the idea around that, as a guy, there have been plenty of girls that have slept with me and have not responded to my request to see them again. So many of these dating articles are so disgustingly sexist it’s repulsive. It’s nice to see a woman be realistic and stick up for men.
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