Name: Tied Up
Age: 36
State: Maryland
Question: I met this guy online in December. Immediately, we had great email, great banter, and I looked forward to his emails every morning, and he told me he looked forward to mine. That went on for a couple weeks–he’s divorced with partial custody of kids, so I understood it might not be the easiest to meet up with him. We talked on the phone, and against my usual good judgement, we talked for several hours the first night, and then several more the second. We met the next night, Tuesday, even though we had planned our first date for Wednesday. We had a great time, and there was clear physical chemistry. We hugged good night, and went our separate ways. Wednesday night, we still held our date. Things got a little out of hand, and we ended up both have a little too much to drink, and I took him home with me. We kept up the regular calls and texts whenever he had his kids, and we were together anytime we were both free. We had several talks about how neither of us had really experienced this type of connection with someone so quickly, how natural it was, and while it was scary, we just needed to go with it.Jump to two weeks ago, I was going on vacation with my family. I talked to him when I could, but since I was out of the country for most of it, it was just too expensive for me to call. The same thing with texting. But in the beginning of the week, when I did hear from him, he’d end all his communications with ‘miss you’ or ‘wish i could see you’. Then I texted him the night before I came home, and asked him if he was still planning on coming to my place the next night. He was clearly distant in his responses, so I knew something was off.
The next day we chatted for a few minutes, but it was mostly about the plan for the night. He wanted to meet me somewhere for a beer, so I knew there was something wrong. I guess I should have just asked him then and there what was wrong and saved us both the time, but I was confused. The short of it is, he met me at the bar and told me that while I was on vacation, his ex girlfriend contacted him and said she left something at his house. I thought the timing was coincidental, but his birthday was also that week, so I’m wondering if that also triggered her getting in touch with him. They were together for a year, and she broke up with him about 4 months ago, because she didn’t want a serious relationship. I’m not really clear on what went down, but he told me they met for a movie and afterward she made a compelling argument for why she wants to get back together, and that he loved her and wants to give it another try. But he wanted to stay in touch with me, and that breaking things off with me was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do.
I told him in a text the next day that I don’t think I should stay in touch, because it would be too confusing for me. He said he understood and would respect that. But I’ve been heartbroken. Against my better judgment, I sent him a text yesterday that I hoped his medical procedure went well, and we’ve exchanged a few texts since then about what’s going on in my life mostly.
In my head, I know I’m just setting myself up for more heartbreak, but I am having trouble not holding out hope that his relationship is going to fail and we’re going to have another chance. I was with someone who didn’t want a commitment, and he would show up every few months or so when he got lonely and it would always go the same way. And that’s what I keep thinking will happen with them. But I also remind myself that if she’s really committed, they could be married in six months.
Do I need to stop all communication and just accept that this wasn’t meant to be? How do I get past this? I’m usually a pretty level headed person and can walk away, but I’ve never experienced this type of head-over-heals feeling.
What you’re experiencing is the after-shock that comes with false hope. I’m not sure what actually went down while you were away. Seems a little sketchy that the minute you’re back is turned he’s entertaining his ex-girlfriend, though. I thought that he was the one who as all, “I’ve never felt like this before!” Orly? Not even when you were with your last girlfriend that you still love and that you dumped everything for because she suddenly showed interest in you, you twee?
Something about his story doesn’t fit with me. Which makes me wonder if he made it all up because he found himself in an instant relationship and didn’t like it. I mean, parts of the story could be true. But if he had been so smitten with you as he claims, then he would have just dated you both. So he was either lying then or he’s lying now.
The heartfelt admissions. The fast connections. That’s not normal operating procedure. Adults don’t talk like this. These are utterances that come from young people whose whole idea of dating relationships has come from books, television and movies. They aren’t real and neither was this relationship. If you were the one saying these things and he just agreed, that’s not the same as if he came out and said these things himself. You realize that, right?
What I think happened is that he had some time to come down to earth while you were on vacation. Not being able to talk to you meant that the cloudy haze he had been functioning under was gone. With that particular curtain pulled away, he realized that he had gotten himself into something he actually didn’t want. The girlfriend ex machina is a little too convenient for my tastes. Plus, how much of a pussy is he if he just bails on the women he’s dating after the woman who dumped him snaps her fingers and asks for another chance? No. Sorry. He’s lying. I’m calling it now.
Breaking things off with you was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do? Really? Huh. I’d thinking telling his children that Daddy was no longer going to be living with Mommy was the hardest thing he had to do. This guy is all over the place.
Now, what were the red flags?
1. The fact that it took two weeks to meet each other - Look, it’s an hour or so of his time. Unless he’s The POTUS, he can finagle that. He was dragging his feet.
2. The hours long phone calls/chat sessions – I don’t understand. He was too busy with his kids to meet you but could spend hours on the phone. Inconsistency.
3. The Ex-Girlfriend Story - Haven’t we all used this one to get out of a sticky situation? You’re not clear on what went down because nothing actually went down. He lied. 4 months goes by before she realizes she left something at his house? I don’t know about you, but when I stop seeing someone I do a final sweep of the apartment to make sure every toiletry, sock and t-shirt are with me. If I miss anything, it’s his. What could she have possibly left that was sooooo important that she had to have it the week you were out of town?
4. The level of investment/interest so soon - Nobody gets this wrapped up in someone they just met. If they do, that in and of itself is a red flag. Only someone truly lacking in experience or someone with a history of poor judgment would build up those expectations and encourage you to follow suit.
It’s going to sting for a couple of weeks. You’ll eventually get through that once you accept the situation for what it was, which is not what you thought it was. You’re sitting there thinking that you came thisclose to having something ideal. You didn’t. It was an illusion. I don’t think this guy intentionally tried to lead you on. I don’t think he has a clue what he wants. and is probably kind of a mess. When he had a moment to think without the white noise, he realized that this wasn’t what he wanted after all. Unless there’s more to this story that you’re not revealing, this is a simple case of building your expectations too high thereby creating a longer and harder fall.
The Ex-Girlfriend Story – Haven’t we all used this one to get out of a sticky situation?
Nope.
Hot debate. What do you think?
10 
9
That’s because you’re the one always getting dumped.
Hot debate. What do you think?
18 
16
Yes, that’s exactly it. You’re so smart! And so emotionally in control too!!!!
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
15 
5
Yup. But not since I was 28…
Like or Dislike:
5 
0
Nitpick Troll. One who attacks a small detail of marginal or no relevance to the thrust of an article. The Nitpick Troll for example will attack the author’s use of the term “all people” often citing himself flamboyantly as the exception while ignoring the obviously hyperbolic or idiomatic use of term by the author
Like or Dislike:
2 
3
Fair enough, but she did use it as a major red flag.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
I have found it weird that different breakups have affected me differently at different times… I was broken up for months after being dumped by what I call my “get-out-guy.” Meanwhile, it took me a year to miss the husband I had for eighteen years… I’m still not sure if it’s THEM that I miss, or what we had. When you feel you have a serious connection with someone, it’s hard to believe that will happen again… That’s kind of my feeling. And now? I miss the emotional support that a husband provided me and the help with raising his kids, which I no longer have because he lives in a different state. Breakups suck.
Like or Dislike:
5 
0
I agree on most points, except your assumptions about the kids. I share custody of my kids with my ex husband on alternating weeks. So if I get an email from a new guy at the beginning of my week without the kids, if that week is booked up with existing dates or plans with friends, it could very well be 2 weeks before I can meet, even for a quick hour. Also when I do have the kids, once they are in bed, I am free to talk for a couple hours on the phone. I don’t like to be bringing in sitters when I have them, so I can talk but I won’t go out to meet someone, well not for a first date anyway.
As for the his ex girlfriend, suddenly reappearing, I agree, most likely he realized he didn’t want to be with the OP for whatever reason and saying I’m getting back with my ex was just an excuse.
Op needs to delete his number and move on.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
14 
0
It’s never a good idea to think you can somehow hang on to someone after a break-up. It only prolongs the heartbreak and even if he or she were to come back, can you ever really fully trust them? It may be hard to do, but accepting the fact that the hoped-for relationship is not going to be and moving on is the best thing the OP can do. Don’t text, don’t call, don’t respond.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
16 
0
There seems to be a preferred narrative that goes like this. I met someone. We felt an incredible connection. Then s/he changed her mind. Now, I’m confused and can’t figure out why s/he bailed?
My view is that this narrative, while extremely common, is completely wrong.
Everyone knows about Bernie Madoff, right? He “duped” a lot of wealthy people into giving him their money to manage with the promise of essentially impossible returns (guaranteed 5% or more per year). It turns out, it was nothing buut a Ponzi scheme – new investor’s money being used to pay off ealier investors. Here is where it gets interesting. The people who “invested” with Madoff wanted their money back, of course. But, they weren’t just asking for return of what they initially invested (i.e. the actual amount that Madoff stole from them.) They wanted their 5% returns too! All that money that they had accumulated over the years on their (fake) paper statements. In other words, while they were perfectlly willing to believe that Madoff was a fraudster and a crook, and “decided” to take their money, they could not bring themselves to accept that the whole fund was a complete sham from the beginning There was no fund. There was no investment. There was no returns.
I believe it is essentially the same thing here, not just with the OP but with people in general. There was never a “connection.” There was simply one person – him- (either intenrtionally or, more likely, with impulse control issues) making a big show and another person, her, for whatever reason, willing to believe and hoping that the performance is real. The OP should be grateful it ended when it did because some people end up married or in long term relationships with people based on nothing but a fraud.
Why does this matter? Because, after these experiences, people end up pining for these relationships that were never real. Trying to find it again in another person, or situation. They learn the wrong lesson. Then, they end up rejecting a “real” person because they don’t meet the impossible standards set by the frauds. Impossible returns are, by defintion, impossible.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
40 
0
Excellent insight. I think it’s absolutely true that you can end up chasing “connection” to the point where you’re even trying to manufacture it where none exists. Also, I think you’re dead-on that much of the time this happens as a result of one person having really poor impulse control, and the other person wanting to take that seriously. So, in this case, the guy might’ve said “You’re so wonderful. You’re gonna love our family’s Thanksgiving dinner” or whatever, while combining that with all the other intensity. But it’s empty words, particularly early on. Just because he said that on date 3 doesn’t mean the bottom won’t fall out by date 6…but it also doesn’t stop folks from wanting it all to be real.
But there’s “connection” and there’s connection. I think the thing people end up chasing is the instant relationship, which is actually pretty easy to manufacture. It’s easy to pay a lot of attention to someone early on, make grand pronouncements about the future, have intense sex, and offer superlatives (e.g., “I’ve never felt like this before…”), etc. You can also “connect” on easy levels like “We both love [pop culture thing/activity/favorite book/etc.].”
And all of that stuff is important in a successful relationship too, but the thing is it takes time to build and discover alongside more important things like how you communicate with the other person, how you respond to adversity, etc. It’s not enough to have intense sex and both be fans of Perfect Strangers or whatever. What often seems to happen in these insta-”connection” relationships is that you hit the first bump in the road, and the wheels come off. If it was such a strong connection, wouldn’t it have been able to withstand that?
I think a lot of folks mistake initial strong attraction or infatuation with “connection.” And while that initial strong attraction can be a good starting point for a relationship, it’s not enough on its own to keep things going, nor is it always necessary to build a successful relationship. Attraction can grow more intense over time — it doesn’t have to start at 11.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
14 
0
LMAO @ “but we’re both Perfect Strangers fans!”
>If it was such a strong connection, wouldn’t it have been able to withstand that?<
This is genius, some people should tattoo it on their forearm or something. That's are exactly the type of question people don't but should ask themselves when they're in that infatuation bubble because you know they'll pop it.
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
I was gonna correct my grammar before I hit reply. Oh well, whatevs.
Like or Dislike:
1 
1
I don’t know if the insta-relationship people are manipulative as much as just don’t know what they want/have very immature ideas about what goes into building a relationship. They meet someone they like and think “This time it’ll be different!” without bothering to process any of the ways they contributed to the failure of past relationships (the “women are all bitches/men are all assholes” folks). The “wheels coming off at the first bump in the road,” as you say, is the point at which the partner becomes a real person with flaws/needs/wants/annoying relatives/what-have-you and is no longer a blank slate on which they can project what they want to see.
Doesn’t really matter, I guess – manipulative or lacking self-awareness are both bad news.
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
It matters a lot. People lacking self-awareness can learn and grow. I’ve seen it.
Manipulative people seldom change. Almost never.
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
I suppose. If you’re dumped, the reason why doesn’t really matter (were they manipulative or un-self-aware?). Don’t waste tons of time analyzing the other person’s motives when you should be moving on. A basic understanding might help you avoid similar negative patterns in the future, though.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
We all have too many choices. That is the devil in the details with most of these stories. It’s the inevitable consequence of internet dating and living in large cities. Unfortunately, this takes some people into a shopping mode. While the OP may hate hearing this, “He traded up on you.” You were the hot thing until something better came along.
I wish I could tell you, there was a way around it, but there is none. It will most likely happen to you again or even you may do it to someone. I suppose Buddhism got it right, about enjoying a thing without getting attached to it and clinging to it. But really, you have to be ready for this type of thing to happen in the first six months of dating anyone!
Like or Dislike:
5 
0
I don’t know that that’s strictly the case all the time. In some circumstances, sure, the overabundance of options can doom people. But I tend to think that if someone is at all capable of being genuinely interested in other folks, then they’re either into you or they aren’t. It doesn’t matter how many other options there are. The time it takes for them to lose interest may be longer if they have no other options, but if they aren’t into you, they’ll lose interest eventually anyway. Or they’ll just half-ass it through the relationship, going through the motions without a lot of emotional content behind the.
If someone’s capable of having their interest held by someone else, then that’s what will happen if they’re genuinely interested. I don’t actually think internet dating changed that. It made the notion of “there might be a better option out there” a bit more concrete, but people who were prone to worry “What if I pass up a better option?” were gonna do that whether they had the internet or whether they were relying on picking up dates in bars. There’s always another bar you can visit, right?
That’s not to say that internet dating hasn’t changed things. Obviously it has. But I don’t think it’s responsible for CREATING the shopping-mode approach. What it does do, however, is concentrate people who already operate that way, which means your chances of running into a “shopper” are perhaps higher online than off these days. But that’d be no different from going 20 years back in time and trying to meet someone at a singles bar. Your chances of running into a shopper were higher there, too, because the experience caters to that mentality. But “caters to” != “creates.”
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
You need to learn how to date like a lady and not jump into sex for any reason. This is hard because, when you have that big chemical spark you think it’s something special. it isn’t. It is just Mother Nature trying to get you to procreate. It’s just hormones. You have to slow down and wait, give a guy time to fall in love with you. If you had waited, you would have seen whether or not he really liked you or just wanted sex with you.
Hot debate. What do you think?
9 
26
You need to learn how to date like a lady and not jump into sex for any reason.
Not for any reason? None at all? Not even for the reason that you’re both adults, like each other, and like sex?
Sorry, but in this day and age, withholding sex is not a winning strategy. That’s not to say that you should jump right into bed with just anyone, but “giving a guy time to fall in love with you” before deigning to bestow upon him the undoubtedly ecstatic pleasures of your womanly garden of earthly delights will generally work on one type of many: a man without any other options.
Sex is a part of developing a relationship and of falling in love. Better advice would be to be critically honest with yourself about what one is getting out of the relationship and being aware of red-flag behavior. Learn to know the difference between sex and emotional attachment and distinguish between the two. As Moxie often says, it means nothing until it means everything. And it’s a process, one that involves sex.
The Hold-It-Till-You-Hook-Him advice is a recipe for disaster. Most guys with any options and a shred of self-respect won’t go for it…
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
17 
4
Make that “one type of man”.
Like or Dislike:
0 
2
LS, many women withhold sex not as a means of controlling the man, but as a means of controlling their own feelings. This might be a rule she sets for herself.
Like or Dislike:
4 
0
It might be a rule she sets for herself, but not in this case, where a “dating coach” is explicitly telling women to withhold sex until a man “falls in love” with her. Either way, at some point it still becomes a losing strategy.
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
At first, this seemed like a very dated comment – then I realized that Lisa is located in Los Angeles. Quite a few people who read (not to mention respond to) this blog are living and dating in New York. I’ve lived in both places and let me tell ya, from experience, they are two completely different worlds in almost every way – especially when it comes to dating.
You want to go on a date in LA? It needs to be planned, usually in advance. Both parties either have to drive, or one has to pick the other up. You have to pick a place in the middle because it’s likely that you live 20 minutes, by car, from your date. You see someone online that’s attractive and you’re interested? Darn, you live in Malibu, they live in Manhattan Beach. That won’t work. Now let’s look at New York. You want to go on a date here? Take the train to meet somewhere in between. No one has to drive. The likelihood of drinks multiplies by a factor of 5, which in turn increases the likelihood of physical interaction. Chances are your date either lives or works in the city – great! Meet nearby for a drink.
Dating in LA takes considerably more effort. In New York, there are literally millions of men and women at your fingertips, a good majority of whom are single. Online daters often don’t go on one date a week, they go on 5. Playing the silly game of “hide the v**ina”, doesn’t work here. Lisa – you may be great at your job in LA, but the advice you’re giving here is irrelevant. The mindset here is different than it is there. When it comes to sex, LA and NY have completely different cultures. It would probably be a good idea to learn what you’re talking about before spouting off on every single topic that you can, with views that aren’t appropriate to the situation of a large number of people you’re preaching to.
Like or Dislike:
5 
3
Interesting observation, Marie. I can certainly understand that dating in LA–or any area without a good mass-transit system–takes more planning and more effort, thereby upping the ante on bad dates. Yet another reason why I’ve never been fond of LA.
But I guess I’m missing how the greater effort to overcome the logistics of dating translate to different attitudes on sex in a dating relationship. I get that frisky time would take more planning and is therefore less likely to be as spontaneous as can be in NYC, but don’t see how that affects advice to the ladies to withhold sex until there’s some kind of clear commitment.
In fact, holding out would seem to be an even worse strategy in a place like LA where such greater effort would be more likely to lead to expectations of a greater payoff. I may greatly appreciate the pleasure of your company, but if I’m doing so much traveling, etc., time after time, there’s got to be a time where the rubber meets the road, so to speak.
Like or Dislike:
6 
1
I could be speaking from my own isolated experiences here, but from what I’ve seen from myself and friends, the first or second date sex is less likely in LA than here. I’m not saying many people waited for a solid commitment before taking that step, but fourth or fifth date was pretty normal. If I had to guess one reason why, it would be because dates are less accessible, so finding somebody else takes more effort and people are willing to wait longer to avoid that effort.
However, I think the real reason for the difference has to do with alcohol consumption and simply, cultural norms. Especially for mid-twenties women. When you have to drive to a date, you aren’t having 2 or 3 drinks, because you have to drive home. In NY this isn’t a factor. More dates involve happy hours and more alcohol usually leads to less inhibitions, for both men and women. With this additional factor, it’s more likely that people will be letting down their guards earlier.
Now, I’m not saying that people should hook up sooner just because others do. But, whether we like it or not, since it is more socially acceptable here, it is more likely to happen more often – which creates a stronger sense of urgency to retain attention and affection.
Like or Dislike:
4 
0
Marie you said —->”When you have to drive to a date, you aren’t having 2 or 3 drinks, because you have to drive home. In NY this isn’t a factor”
I think you probably meant that in NYC this isnt a factor. Because as soon as you leave NYC/boroughs, then driving is the same as in LA…. Long Isand/NJ/Westchester is very similiar in that everyone gets around by car. So there goes your theory that the dating coach is confusing NY with LA. She isnt confusing it at all. She just believes that. She is entitled to her opinion of course but dont defend her based on geography. Because a mere 20 miles outside of Manhattan, the dating culture with the driving and the distance and the traffic is the same as LA.
Like or Dislike:
0 
1
“Date like a lady” What is this, advice from 1950s? Times have changed and the stigma of sex on a first or second date, is pretty much gone, at least in most areas of the country. It seems like people confuse sex with a real connection, versus just a physical one. Everyone is different, and they should progress a relationship at their own pace, not be forced into someone else’s pace. And most importantly a real connection takes time to build and establish, if it seems too good to be true and it is happening too fast, it most likely is not real. Pay attention to the red flags if you want to avoid unnecessary heartache.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
13 
3
>It seems like people confuse sex with a real connection, versus just a physical one.<
Exactly, so there is a grain of truth to Lisa Shield's comment.
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
Yes, the point is why not have a good time as long as you are clear that’s what’s happening and not as proof of anything more, at least in the beggining.
Like or Dislike:
1 
3
Yes, I agree with you. I can see where she’s coming from, but disagree with the conclusion she drew.
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
It seems like people confuse sex with a real connection, versus just a physical one.
You don’t have to listen to too many women to learn that for many of them, sex creates the feeling of a connection regardless of whether one exists or not. I’ve never been, but I imagine this must be distressing.
Even with contraception, sex is consequential.
Like or Dislike:
4 
1
I think the guy’s explanation is just as plausible as Moxie’s version. Maybe this guy is just codependent or was heavily on the rebound from this ex, and looking to latch on to the OP on an accelerated schedule for emotional reasons. Why must he be lying about all of the expressions of endearment? The truth is, without his ex seemingly available, the OP *did* look that good to him.
I agree with most of the red flags, but think they could just as well arise from someone being on the rebound or of a codependent temperament, not dishonestly. Guys can be emotionally conflicted, too. Shocker!
I also don’t agree that “adults” automatically are comfortable dating multiple people, so any representations of dedication on a short timescale must be “lies”. In fact, quite a few aren’t into multiplexed dating. For me, it’s a discipline I try to impose from time to time, not something I gleefully elect to do. After all, its impersonal and objectifying. But I’ve learned it’s sometimes necessary to keep one from getting attached to quickly.
Like or Dislike:
5 
0
To answer the OP’s questions, I’d stop all communication. No point in torturing herself and it’s kind of pathetic to sit and wait for this guy’s relationship to end so she can have a shot at getting him back. The bottom line is he dumped her for another woman. It can’t be made any more clear than that who he values more. Why would anyone want someone back who chose someone else when they had the choice? As to how to get past it, she needs to simply move on and look for someone else. She may have never felt that head over heels feeling before, but I promise she will feel it again for someone else. There is more than one man out there who will give her that feeling. There’s more than one for all of us. But she has to make herself emotionally available to find him by letting the other guy go. Nothing gets you over the last one like the next one.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
16 
0
Not sure I agree that he made up the ex GF story up in order to break up with her. Seems like a lot of extra work to go through instead of just telling her “We had some time apart and I realized we are not right for each other etc”
Would like to hear from the guys out there on their take, if they have made up an Ex coming back into the picture to break up with a current GF.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
After all is said and done the truth about the guy doesn’t really matter. At the end of the day, he chose to end things, old GF or not. Is it possible that is what happened? Absolutely! Love/Strong Emotional Infatuation are powerful forces that more often than not easily override solid logic and clear thought. I have known people who went back to their old loves, after a break up, even an ugly one. Feelings aren’t rational. Bottom line to anyone is to be very very careful with anyone who is just out of a serious relationship, especially if the person was not the one who ended it.
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
>Bottom line to anyone is to be very very careful with anyone who is just out of a serious relationship, especially if the person was not the one who ended it.<
True. Would the OP have known this, though? (If not, is there something to be said for getting at least a vague idea of a person's romantic history?).
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
I think it’s a good idea to find out some past relationship information, perhaps not during the first few dates. The OP stated that they spent many hours talking, so I would find it hard to believe that this topic was not broached in some way. But as it stands once she found out the reason he ended things, she should have terminated contact right away and moved on with her life.
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
He told me that he had been in a relationship that ended last summer, because she was not looking for a committed relationship, but I did not realize the extent of his feelings for her. I don’t have that kind of baggage, as I have resolved any feelings about my exes. Obviously, I should have been more cautious (kinda why I’m here
), but I also don’t usually try to get into deep conversations about someone’s recent dating history. Since I think I’ve learned from this experience that even though the quick fire is fun, it’s dangerous, and I will be giving more time to getting to know someone and their dating past will likely come out in time.
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
OP, thanks for clarifying, We don’t usually need to have deep conversations about someone’s dating history. Just some basic information. With this he told you he had serious feelings for that other woman and wanted to pursue a committed relationship with her. Intern, she dumped him. That is usually a big clue. Regardless, I think you have learned many lessons here and I wish you luck in your romantic pursuits. Thank you for sharing.
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
I’ve never used this excuse. Mostly because it never would’ve occurred to me in the first place. I’ve never gotten back together with an ex.
Usually, I just say “Listen, I’ve been thinking and…” after which it’s some variant on “don’t see this going any further.” Which is always the truth (although sometimes there are more specific reasons, which I omit on purpose).
I’ve never had a bad result from this. Folks have been disappointed, but none have tried convincing me to make it work or tried to change my mind otherwise. So, I don’t really see a reason NOT to tell someone that. It’s an unassailable truth, just like “no chemistry” is after a first or second date.
On the other hand, something like “My ex came back…” MIGHT be true, but it might be bullshit too. Of course, the veracity of the statement, as DatingNoob correctly points out, is ultimately beside the point. The person is saying they DON’T want to be with you. It doesn’t matter what they want in the alternative. If it’s another person, or extended singlehood, either way, they’re basically telling you they don’t want you.
Like or Dislike:
3 
0
I couldn’t agree more with Moxie’s response to the OP and her assessment of the situation. I had something very similar happen to me about 6 months ago (which Moxie wrote about in a post entitled “Beware of the Guy Too Good Looking to be Dating Online”). It was the same story (though my situation burned out a lot quicker than yours): a fantastic first date (with a second date–which involved jumping into the sack–within 24 hours of the first), a lot of intensity early on, etc. He wanted to be exclusive after date #3 (red flag) and suggested that we both take our profiles off of the dating site. I was definitely skeptical (the guy was out of my league and I knew it), but I went along with it because I *wanted* so badly for the “connection” to be legitimate. I’ve been on so many first dates that weren’t so great — this one was so amazing that I just wanted to hold onto the feeling. After about a week of “exclusivity” (which I’m sure was not happening on his end), he started hitting me up for money. Though he claimed to be an entrepreneur with aha marketing consulting firm, he was a 33-year old out-of-work actor/model who couldn’t afford to buy gas for his own car. His feigned urgency to have a “real relationship” with me was his way of creating a false sense of intimacy so that he could get me to pay his way. And the sad thing was, I fell for it. I wanted it to be real. I needed it to be real. In the end, I gave him the money (it was $55, but embarrassing nonetheless) and he promptly ghosted me.
What’s worse is that despite all of this — and despite Moxie’s assessment of that situation back in October — I *still* (after a string of lukewarm OKC dates) contacted him again. I was just chasing the feeling I’d had in those first few dates (and nights) with him, which I hadn’t been able to find with anyone else. Needless to say, the situation (my re-contacting him) did not end well. All I did was re-open the wounds from our last interaction and protract the time it would take for me to move on.
OP, I speak from experience: do NOT contact this guy again. You have to realize that it’s not the *person* you’re after (because you really didn’t know this guy); it’s the *feeling* that you want to re-create. Your desire for that perceived connection is a powerful motivator. So is loneliness. But — to borrow a term from the world of substance abuse — you’re simply “chasing the dragon.” It’s never going to happen, because (as Moxie said) it was never real to begin with. Once you’re able to divorce the person from the feeling that you crave so much, you’ll be able to check yourself before you wreck yourself.
It might take a lot longer to regain your self-esteem and dignity than it will take to find a new boyfriend, so try to make your decisions in this case accordingly.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
17 
3
I’m the OP. This has been really helpful, thanks for the feedback. I’m not sure he was lying about the ex-girlfriend, but everything here has helped clear the fog and shine some light on some of the red flags that I was having trouble seeing. He was driving the bus, and I was along for the ride. I knew I should have taken control of my own reaction, but I was enjoying the attention and the buzz. But in the end, a relationship with him would probably be riddled with drama.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
14 
0
I love Moxie’s analysis…and the possibility that he may not be telling the truth. Perhaps I am naïve, I don’t know that many men that are always lying like that. And as LaMotta said, his explanation seems plausible. If there was another reason, why would he just not state it?
Kim’s experience is not similar at all! She was used and she has the proof of it where this guy asked for money and disappeared. There is nothing in common with OPs story.
Just because one guy is deceptive, you can’t just assume all guys are deceptive.
Like or Dislike:
3 
1