Name: Lishlet
Age: 30
State: New York
Question: Should I try to save my marriage? If so, what should I do…?My husband & I have had a lot of problems the last 2 years.
First he pushed me away by not talking to me anymore & telling me to go out with my friends instead of with him. To try to re-open the lines of communication, I wrote him a letter saying that I felt he was pushing me away & I wanted to fix our communication problems he told me we didn’t have problems, yelled at me that I was crazy/over-dramatic like my mother & then went for a walk outside. I have now learned this is how he always handles problems. If I don’t 100% agree with what he says or thinks he says I’s attacking him so he starts yelling/cursing/deflecting to get me to “stop talking & go away”. Within 6 months, I found out he knew he was going to get laid off from his job & didn’t know how to handle it so that was the reason he pushed me away. I tried to be supportive of him & I’m very successful in my career with a lot of connections but he pushed me away even more in 2012.
This led us to have two problems in 2012:
1) His fault-
He won’t:
- let me help him find a job because he says “I’m weird & do things differently than normal people”.
- talk with me about creating a budget together or combining our finances because he says he’s embarrassed about his lack of income (which I told him I don’t care about but he just delays meeting with me or storms out).
- get counseling or google online to deal with his problems because that’s weird too
- initiate sex & rarely has sex with me (even if I beg/cry for it he just tells me I’m “so weird because other wives stop wanting sex”)He tells me he loves me but when it comes to any serious conversations about goals/life he still gets angry at me saying that I’m attacking him and he refuses to acknowledge me sexually other than telling me “You look pretty today”. (Note: I was a model & I want than words.)
2) My fault-
I’m not happy to admit this but I’ve cheated. At first it was an accident when I was drunk with a friend. I stopped talking to him & tried to focus on fixing my relationship with my husband. But then at another party I woke up at stranger’s place. I freaked out because I’m afraid of getting STDs, never was a cheater type before & I didn’t even know this guy so I stopped going out, stayed home & saw a doctor to get tested over the next several months. Fortunately, I don’t have any STDs but then I started drinking alcohol at home instead of sex. My life then became just work, drinking at home & then sleep. Meanwhile, my husband was mad at me for invading his “home office” so he left to “look for a job” on his laptop at a cafe.About 3 months ago, I realized that I needed to fix myself before I tried fixing our relationship again. So, I sold my biz & took time off to “find myself”. Meanwhile, my husband continued his usual looking for a job, playing video games, watching porn & watching sports. I tried to get him involved in my “fix myself & be happy again” plan but he said I was “weird & normal people don’t do that”. I then stopped fighting with him because I needed to fix ME. We started living 2 different lives & don’t talk unless it is about cleaning or our cat. I recently got a new job so my life is fine now except my relationship with my husband.
My question is this: should I try to save this relationship? If so, what should I do?
For what it’s worth, I think my husband wants to salvage our relationship but he doesn’t know how & I honestly question his competence on solving any problem after seeing him fail to solve even basic problems over the last 3 years of our 5 years together.
Okay. Here’s my first question:
I have now learned this is how he always handles problems.
You just learned this now? After how many years of being together? 5? There’s something wrong there.How could you possibly just be learning now how your husband deals with conflict?
I guess one suggestion that people will offer is that this man is threatened by your success and feels inadequate because of it. That’s possible. I typically think that’s a handy go-to excuse for women, though. I don’t think most men care if their partner’s make more than them. That’s one of those seeds planted in other women’s heads over long gab fests with their girlfriends. At the very least, he feels like he’s not doing what “a man” should do because he doesn’t have a job. He had something that is an integral part of our identities taken away from him. Putting you down makes him feel less like a loser. But having you constantly buzzing in his ear like a naggy little gnat isn’t helping.
To be honest, it doesn’t sound like you’re approaching this the right way. You appear to be talking at him, not to him. You’re not acknowledging his feelings. You’re just pushing him to change without taking into consideration what he’s going through. You’re making him sound like an Ogre, and I’m sure he is, but you don’t sound like a cake walk, either. You sound rather immature and self-involved yourself. How you two ever thought you were mature enough to get married is beyond me.
This is yet another reason why I don’t advocate people getting married in their twenties. It sounds like you and he both never developed the proper tools necessary to maintain healthy communication and resolve conflict. Nor did you learn how to be accountable for your actions, which is a crucial part of being an adult and having a relationship. These skills come through experience and trial and error.
Now for this doozie:
I’m not happy to admit this but I’ve cheated. At first it was an accident when I was drunk with a friend.
Um…no. It wasn’t an accident. You’re not taking responsibility for this. Like I said. You lack accountability. That’s a sign of immaturity. Immature people shouldn’t get married. It’s all shades of adorable that you question his competency at solving problems…but he didn’t break his marriage vows. You did. Which means your ability to solve problems blows, too. Your solution to your unhappy state was to “accidentally” fall on a man’s penis. Sorry, but your husband won that round.
About 3 months ago, I realized that I needed to fix myself before I tried fixing our relationship again.
How very Eat, Pray, Love of you. Too bad you were married and it was no longer all about you. Again, I’ll point out how self-focused you seem to be.
I think if there’s any hope of saving your marriage, the two of you need to get to both couples counseling and individual counseling. You’ll need your own private sessions so you can have a safe space to share your personal experiences and feelings. The couples session will help teach you both how to communicate and take responsibility for your actions. The therapist will act as a guide and mediator and they’ll teach you how to communicate. However, without the ability to empathize for each other, you’re in for an uphill battle. That is something you’re both going to need to work on individually. You both need to stop being so self-absorbed and put yourself in your mate’s shoes.
Since you got married, you owe it to yourselves and your vows to at least try to make this work. If it doesn’t, and you learn that you two just aren’t cut out for marriage, then go your separate ways. You don’t sound particularly devoted to your husband. If you’re not willing to do whatever it takes and endure whatever growing pains necessary, you shouldn’t be married.
Oh my golly…… Great story about 2 clueless people getting married, and pretty much screwing up there lives. And I thought I had problems!
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I don’t know that I agree with a blanket condemnation of people getting married in their 20s, though I do think later 20s is better than early 20s. The main point is that immature people shouldn’t get married at any age, period.
I do agree that she is talking at him and not to or with him. I surmise that she’s somewhat aggressive about it, too. There are many clues, if the OP is to be believed:
She was a model with a “very” successful business and career. I’m guessing a real “go-getter.” She has poor impulse control and flits abruptly from one course of action to another (see: the cheating, drinking–and not just at “home”–the suddenly selling her business to “find” herself and 3 months later getting a new job). It’s likely she also has a fairly high libido (see: begging/crying for sex–not a very alluring way to get his motor running–and the aforementioned cheating).
Based on this, let’s recast the situation a bit. The trouble seemed to have started when Hubby realized he was going to be laid off. I surmise that he knew quite well how the OP would react, so he didn’t tell her and began to distance himself as protection against the oncoming storm he knew she would unleash when she found out. I’m not sure I fully believe that she doesn’t care about his lack of income, either. She wants to “help” him find a job (which likely translates into either trying to do it for him or pointing out what he’s doing wrong) and invades his home office, she wants to have serious conversations about goals and life (not necessarily a bad thing, but potentially disastrous in this situation unless handled correctly: his goal is a job for Christ’s sake). When he says she’s crazy/over-dramatic, he probably has a point.
Three other points are that she notes many things that are his fault, but only one thing–cheating–that is her fault, a rather larger one, as Moxie points out. She also quit her job to “fix” herself without actually mentioning what she was trying to “fix.” Finally, there’s this: If I don’t 100% agree with what he says or thinks he says I’s attacking him so he starts yelling/cursing/deflecting to get me to “stop talking & go away”. This is the primary clue that she simply doesn’t listen to him, focusing instead on how to fix him or solve his problems.
Moxie is right in her assessment that the OP is very self-focused, making this all about her. Whatever she did to “fix” herself or “find” herself apparently didn’t involve any serious and honest self-assessment of how she might be contributing to their problems.
Counseling may help or may not; I’m not a big fan of it as it only works if a person is committed to honestly dealing with themselves. Personally I think the OP is a bit too solipsistic for it to work, or for the marriage to be saved.
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It’s been proven that people in their 20′s don’t have a fully developed frontal cortex…the area of the brain in which you make sound judgement. that is why they are immature in their doings, and wild and crazy without thinking first. I think getting MARRIED without getting to know a person very well, counts as unsound judgement. Basically they fell in lust, and it never developed, but they must have married in the honeymoon phase of relationships, where you are still relying on hormones and all sorts of natural feel-good drug affects in the brain, and it hasn’t yet calmed down to the hormones which create commitment and bonding. Because once the body finally comes down from the high of being “in love”, which is HAS to or else you’d have a cardiac arrest, you start to see things properly. This is where a relationship makes it or breaks it.
People generally do develop maturity after their 20′s except those who have brain damage such as from any toxins such as drug abuse or alcohol abuse, a mental disability, or trauma injury to the head. I would have to agree that 20′s really are an age that are scientifically proven (with peer review) to be a phase that people are immature.
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It’s not “in their 20′s”, it’s early 20s, by 22-24. If people in their late 20s didn’t have fully developed pre-frontal cortexes, I doubt the human race would have made it far (remember, it WAS routine for people to get married in mid teens, and run a household/estate by early to mid-20s).
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Have to say I diagree with the blanket “immature twenty-something” characterization. There are lots and lots of twenty somethings showing stunning maturity and judgment every day in Afghanistan, Iraq, aboard ship all over the world….
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without actually mentioning what she was trying to “fix.”
Sure she did. She acknowledge that she was drinking too much and was unable to have a social life without getting drunk and cheating on her husband.
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Not quite. She is quite specific about his faults, but really only claims her cheating as a problem, which, presumably she started drinking at home to fix so she wouldn’t get black-out drunk and “accidentally” wake up in a strange man’s bed.
If it was her heavy drinking or incipient alcoholism, I’m sure she got that totally sorted during the 3 months she took off to “find herself.”
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I see this situation entirely differently. I think her husband has some serious psychological problems that have nothing to do with her and HIS problems are “directing” the dysfunctional communication.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I agree. Of course, we only have her side. Beyond taking sides, though, she doesn’t really seem to want to stay/fix things; maybe it’s just the guilt from the cheating making her feel like she should.
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You may as well say all me have psychological difficulties then.
I would think the reason he was doing all this sounds like he could see in advance that by being communicative with her, would open up a whole new cans of worms, her stress and reactions, which would add to his own stress twice over. He could tell that it wasn’t going to solve anything but just add more drama to talk to her because of her immature and self absorbed ways…So he just kept it inside to deal with alone. At least in his own head, he doesn’t have to deal with another stressor.
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Yeah, but he refuses even to go to counseling, where at least there would be a mediator for communication. It’s not all on her.
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And just to add – in my twenties I had a girlfriend suggest I see a counselor to deal with my depressive episodes. I did, and it made a huge difference in my life. Sometimes you need a push from someone close to you.
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>It’s not all on her.<
Exactly. Not saying she's an angel, but he sounds like a complete child who won't even remotely meet her halfway or give her anything to work with.
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Hear hear. This was me up until 5 years ago. My ex pushed me away, shut down when I tried get us talking, and we lived as roommates for far too long. He quit couples therapy twice and retreated further inside himself.
As much as the OP here may have some issues that are contributing to the problem (I did, too), sometimes people have genuine psychological issues that haven’t fully manifested until after they’ve already committed to another.
OP, if he won’t go to counseling with you, go by yourself. Do the work you need to do to figure out what is right for you.
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I think Lost Sailor did a brilliant analysis.
Only think I can add: regarding the list of his problems….I can just hear her saying “You need to see a shrink to fix your problems” and of course, he refuses.
And what are his problems? now wanting to subject himself to her criticisms of job hunting, not being humiliated while they do a budget knowing full well he only has unemployment, or not getting sexually aroused after these altercations? hmmm….
Sounds like she needs a counselor to fix “his” problems.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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There are just so many problems with this marriage and the people in it. I don’t really think it has to do with getting married in their twenties. She is now 30 and still has not figured it out. I personally really don’t think, she ever will. My advice is divorce and move on. Don’t ever get married again. She is obviously not cut out for it. Not everyone is. She can still have long meaningful relationships with people but not a strong marriage.
Divorce means breaking you vows, but she already did that. And nowhere in the letter is there any sort of remorse or sympathy for her husband. Did she ever confess or just vow to try and not do it again?
Her husband may have issues also but from the letter it seems like they are more straightforward. Stress is a major libido killer. He should be more open to communications with her but I have a feeling she is just yelling at him (as was pointed out).
So do yourself a favor, divorce now. Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant.
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So, people shouldn’t get married in their 20s because they’re too immature, but by the time you’re in your 30s, you should lower your expectations and standards because you’re not as hot as you were in your 20s. By the time you’re 35, if you don’t have a partner, it’s because you’ve squandered the best years of your life by chasing a career or being too picky in choosing a mate. The men in this age group, the 30s, are chasing and dating the 20-somethings because they are youthful and more desirable, but who shouldn’t get married because they’re too young.
This blog really confuses me sometimes.
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So, people shouldn’t get married in their 20s because they’re too immature,
Right
but by the time you’re in your 30s, you should lower your expectations and standards because you’re not as hot as you were in your 20s.
Right. By the time you’re 35 or so, if you’re still single and can’t seem to find anybody to stick around, whatever you’re doing isn’t working and you need to make a change.
By the time you’re 35, if you don’t have a partner, it’s because you’ve squandered the best years of your life by chasing a career or being too picky in choosing a mate.
Yep. See above.
The men in this age group, the 30s, are chasing and dating the 20-somethings because they are youthful and more desirable,
Right again. Which leaves a window of about 8 years where a woman can meet a guy, get to know him and get married. It’s actually quite a simple concept: take your time and make sure you’re compatible and that you can maintain a relationship beyond a year or so. It’s really not difficult to wrap your brain around that. That is, unless you’re a single woman over 35 looking to blame anybody for why she never found her Mr. Right. Then I can see why it’s terribly important to point out contradictions that don’t exist.
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I just personally do not believe that there’s a formula or timetable in which you have your best shot to forge a successful relationship. I agree that your chances might be better when you’re younger because the pool of singles is larger, but I don’t necessarily agree that getting married in your 20s is a mistake any more than meeting someone when you’re older means that you have already lost the best years of your life.
Blaming others is cowardly; everyone needs to take responsibilites for their own actions, whether they’re 20 or 50.
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Like anything else in life, nothing is guaranteed. All you can do is put the odds in your favor the best you can. And Moxie’s formula is really just putting the odds most in your favor. Sort of like playing blackjack. You always hold with a 19. Can you still lose? Of course. But odds favor you dont. And Moxie’s formula is like holding a 19. You can waste it by trying to hit and pull the ace or the 2 but odds favor you wont be successful. That 8 year window she talks about is the equivalent of holding the 19. Not perfect, but pretty damn good. Squander that opportunity or try to do “just a little bit better” and you can go bust. Go with the odds.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I agree with Adrienne. Some people are very mature in their 20′s while some are lost and still trying to figure out who they are – in their 50′s! The thing is this…mistakes and failures can be something we learn from…but if someone doesn’t learn from their mistakes, they will never mature and be able to figure out what they want.
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I agree; I think the litmus test is maturity, not age.
However, the “don’t marry in your early 20s” rule is probably right more often than not BECAUSE of a lack of maturity.
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These people got married at the right age. In their late 20s. They are just immature & selfish and that has nothing to do with age.
She sounds like an alcoholic: “But then at another party I woke up at stranger’s place.” and “My life then became just work, drinking at home & then sleep.” She just woke up at some guy’s place? Did she black out & not remember how she got there & whether they used protection?
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I have to say, that IS immature. to be drinking that profusely while you are in a relationship. Ok we all need stress release, but she doesn’t even know herself well enough yet to know that she forgets what happens while she is drunk. She should know that before entering a relationship.
these people are going to have and interesting “journey”, that’s for sure. I hope they hold off having kids.
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Not positive it’s a consistent, everyday thing, but she definitely had some reckless moments with the booze, so you could be right.
To build off your comment, I don’t get at all that she loves her husband, but if she’s hitting the booze hard and changing careers willy-nilly, it could be that she loves the idea of a stable home and relationship as her “rock” in a roller coaster world. Even though it apparently makes both of them miserable, it’s better than being alone (not my opinion at all, I think they should just end it, but that seems to be the logic going on here. These kind of personal myths are powerful; get some therapy and unpack them).
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Yeah, Adrienne, you accurately summed it up pretty well.
While everybody is a little different and matures at different rates, this will hold true for the vast majority of people, even those who think they’re special snowflakes and some of the harsh realities of life don’t apply to them.
I agree with Moxie’s window, though I’d probably make the sweet spot less than 8 years. My experience was married at 32 to a 28-year-old woman after 2 years of dating and 1 year of living together. Worked pretty good for the better part of 17 years.
Now, of course, anybody can find love and happiness at any age, but outside of that sweet spot, the difficulties are much greater. Even more so if one can’t even recognize the difficulties.
Or, in your case, find them “confusing”…
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I don’t find the proposed difficulties in dating outside this “sweet spot” to be confusing. I’m not sure where you got that from.
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To quoth Adrienne: This blog really confuses me sometimes.
QED
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I was merely talking about some of the overlapping commentary that sometimes runs through this blog – getting married in your 20s is a mistake, but get it together by the time you’re 35 or suffer the consquences. If you read my original post, clearly that was my point.
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That’s about where I come out. I’m a guy who turned 35 a few months ago, and I’d say the age bracket I tend to look for is 27-35, but ideally closer to 29-34.
While Moxie’s take on things may seem a bit harsh, by and large I’d say it’s accurate. There’s a definite “sweet spot,” there, particularly for women, IF you’re looking for marriage/family. (And not everyone is.)
When you get outside that “sweet spot,” it’s more difficult. Not impossible, but more difficult. Particularly in the online context.
Although, to be honest, I’ve met plenty of immature women who fell into that “sweet spot.” Some people never grow up.
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Yeah these two really are immature.they barely know themselves, let alone each other and here they are in a marriage. society isn’t helping. Most people in their 20′s go out and get drunk and party. In earlier times, people worked on homesteads, and their lives didn’t have all the additive garbage. when life is simple like that, it’s easy to have a marriage. But in this day and age, since it’s so COMPLICATED to get established, really people would wait until their 40′s, or even retirement already.
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Since society IS the blame, I wouldn’t say they are immature due to something stupid inside themselves, they are immature because it’s so complex to get established, that really, who CAN develop inwardly, when there is no time? There is only time to spend struggling in this system and getting a job…no time to think about our own character and development. that’s all gone by the wayside. so people get married at a decently natural biological time…maybe a little young, but the external forces are driving us all nuts. who CAN have a decent relationship in this world? Maybe only the wealthy class, and the older people.
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Not true…I know plenty of people who DID get married in their mid 20′s–they were simply on the same page…knew what they wanted..and had strong communication skills between each other. They worked well as a team…and sacrificed a lot to raise children, and keep their marriages going. Anything worthwhile is work. Nothing comes easy. Want a career? Be ready to sacrifice…want to have children, a home and be married…it requires a lot of self-sacrificing. There will always be external factors – if someone is mature enough to stay focused…they are able to make a commitment to someone else and vice versa. Wealthy or not. I know plenty of couples who married into their 40′s–and then divorced within 2-4 years.
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Naturally blame “society” instead of holding people responsible for the consequences of their actions. I’ll hazard a guess that part of the reason this couple is so messed up is that they were both raised to believe that it was always someone else’s fault and that they were both perfect special little snowflakes. You end up with a couple that has the maturity level of a spoiled 12 year old.
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There are three points that come to mind with this story:
1) The reoccurring phrase about what is considered “weird & normal people don’t do that” showcases the husband’s serious lack of self-assurance. Unrelated to any marital problems, doing things differently makes you “extraordinary”, but it requires quite some confidence.
2) There are a lot of very basic communication errors from both sides. There are a bunch of great books that could help the OP understanding the completely different approaches that males and females have with communicating (or lack thereof, very normal for a stressed-out male) or problem-solving.
3) The one question that the OP needs to answer for herself, is, why there is a need to remain in a marriage, when – as she describes it – it’s only making each others lives miserable.
There is a biological reason for why relationships go south after 5-7years, beyond that point the relationship needs to be on a very solid foundation and satisfy all intellectual, emotional and physical needs for both sides. Her slips are a clear indicator that she is missing something, and I’m not talking about the physical part.
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You’re not acknowledging his feelings.
In fairness, I don’t think even he is doing this. Instead he’s just saying things should be a certain way and for her to feel differently is “weird.”
You suggested counseling, but it sounds like she’s also suggested that and he says it’s weird.
This guys is not able to communicate and lashes out when she tries to. The only way he’s going to change is if there are severe consequences to his present behavior. That means she should dump him.
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Or perhaps her suggestions are sometimes indeed “weird.” It’s not at all clear that she is actually trying to communicate rather than hector and nag. We only have one side of the story here, and in a situation like this one side is never enough. And between the two sides somewhere lies the truth.
But, you’re right. Best to just deem him worthy of severe consequences to get him to change. Dump him. Perhaps accuse him of domestic violence because he yells. That’ll get his attention and surely lead to positive self-improvement. Or isn’t that severe enough?
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Is the relationship completely and utterly hopeless, probably not, but it might as well be. It sounds to me like this couple is completely on different pages of their lives. Ability to communicate especially during difficult times is an essential part of any relationship, and it seems like the two have not had any difficult times until well into their marriage. Something smells very fishy to me. As someone stated before, they most likely married at a height of their physical infatuations with each other and never took time to build a strong and mature relationship. No wonder this is what’s happening now.
Also, she cheated. When and does he know? If he knows or suspects, it might have killed all of his feelings for her, and he is basically acting out this way to get back at her for hurting him and betraying his trust. Nearly same behavior a young boy would exhibit towards his mother if he got emotionally hurt in any way. Something to consider.
Essentially I don’t think this is about age as much as it’s about people’s maturity and compatibility when getting married. All of us know stories proving that. It is true that the younger we are the less mature we are, but we are still capable of building strong relationships, think best friends. I would agree that both of them would benefit from individual counseling, but as far as the relationship goes, that would be a waste of time. At the end of day, both people have to be equally invested in making something work, and I don’t think these two are.
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Go get some professional help. I don’t understand your need to fix your husband. He is a grown man, give him some space and let him come to you for advice. Stop trying to be mom.
You need to do some deep soul searching. Not only did you cheat with a friend but you cheated again with a complete stranger. I know you are sad so get some help from a doctor. Do not get drunk because bad things will happen.
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I got married in my late mid 20′s and I am glad I did, alhtough we are still “total” newlyweds. While I am glad I didn’t get married in my early 20′s (I had had a prior proposal), I also would advocate for not waiting into one’s mid 30′s: the longer one waits, the more mature one becomes, the more diffuclt it becomes for them to find a partner who would “meet” their creteria (the older we are, the longer the list). Nowdays a lot of people date for years without living together – while marriage sort of requires a couple to share one roof. Living with your spouse teaches you the art of compromise, seeing your loved one walking around in washed out pijamas teaches you to not concentrate on the excitement of seeing your loved one onle when they have nice clothes on and you’re on a date.
I feel that people who make it into their late 30′s without marriage are so set in their ways of living alone – in both physical and emotional ways – might be very difficult to live with.
In my less than a year of marriage I have already learned a bit about compromise and priorities, and of course I am still learning. Before we got married, I was a pretty opinionated and somewhat difficult person, I am a bit more mellow now. I can only imagine what I would be like if I waited until my mid 30′s. But of course it doesn’t apply to every person.
I also think it’s good to marry an older man, I am talking 6-10 years older. Because an aging process is more drastic for women, when you are younger than your husband and are starting to age, you will still look hot given that he is older.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Maybe these two shouldnt have gotten married, but that doesnt mean nobody should. They didnt have these problems earlier on, only now. If this has been going on for 3 years now, then either this is what he’s really like and you have to ask if you want him to be like this or maybe he’s depressed (in the medical sense) because of the loss of his job or something else. Im not sure there’s much you can do about the former, but if its the latter, get him to a shrink. Yeah, he’ll say its weird. Whatever – it sounds like he needs it. If nothing else, get him to a marriage counselor. If he is interested in saving the relationship he should be willing to do that at least.
There is no wrong age to get married. You do it when you find the right person. If you find the right person but the timing is wrong, stay with them and then get married when the timing improves. Finding someone is too hard to just walk away from that one special someone just because the timing isnt ideal. Those of you in NYC may find this hard to believe, but in most of the rest of the country, people typically get married before they are 30. Yes, almost all of them. And you know what? A good number of those marriages last. A lot fail too, but then again, what do you expect? Half fail anyway.
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Why is this a lecture on when people should get married. Making generalizations like that isn’t offensive e and doesn’t do anything but make people feel bad when they are in the situation their in. They are married. She is admitting she cheated which she didn’t want to do. If she hasn’t told him she should because it seems to be important to her or it wouldn’t have been mentioned and she needs to deal with the cobsequences. She is asking for him to compromise and it seems he isn’t. Unfortunately if its cause he doesn’t trust her from the cheating that sucks but she will only find that out from him. If she feel that her needs aren’t being met so she needs to either invent who she wants to be that’s new and try a different approach or decide if its worth ending her maraige. Either way she needs to decide or atleast figure out what their expectations are from marraige cause they clearly seem to be different.
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