Name: Greg
Age: 29
State: NY
Question: I have what is sometimes referred to as an ‘invisible illness’, a disability that is not obvious at a glance, and I receive government benefits due to my inability to work. People will generally have no idea I have a health issue unless I tell them, so my question is, how do I deal with this in terms of dating?
Often times the question of work will come up, and I’m never sure how to reply. Should I be up front when the issue comes up? Should I wait to get to know the person for a bit, and if so how long? If I were to make an online dating profile, should I disclose this right on the page? I don’t want to be dishonest, but I also don’t want to give the wrong impression or seem as if I’m just blurting out personal information willy-nilly.
Any advice on how to handle this?
MOXIE’S EDIT: He has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
Chronic_fatigue_syndrome
If you’re unemployed for whatever reason, you should probably mention that in your profile. That is one of those topics that you really can’t fudge. If you don’t mention it you’ll look deceptive in some way. Then, when you do reveal it, your date will assign some nefarious and shady reasoning for why you didn’t tell her. She’ll make far worse assumptions about you other than you don’t have a job.
I’m toying with the suggestion that maybe you should say that you’re financially self-sufficient but not check off anything as a specific career type. Only when you engage in an email exchange should you expand on this. Your situation has to be revealed before too much time and energy is invested.
It’s not that a woman cares what exactly a man does to make a living. Some women do. The ones who will only date a man in a certain field should be avoided anyway. So at least you’ll weed them out. What most decent women care about is that you support yourself and could possibly support them should things progress. Yes, that’s how far women think into the future when reviewing a profile. She’s calculating in her head how you and she will be able to buy a home together and afford to have her leave her job to stay home and raise your children. It’s crazy, but it’s how some of us do.
The reality is that if you are not in a position to support a family, even just you and her, then that means you have to go for women who either don’t want children/marriage, are divorced and not looking to marry again or don’t mind being the breadwinner. Yes, that is going to limit your options. Better that than going on a ton of dates that go nowhere and getting frustrated. You’re probably going to have to widen your age range, too. I’m not going to tell you to wish upon a star and hope someone will love you for who you are because that’s a crock. If you don’t bring to the table an impressive level of financial security, you’re going to be ignored by a hefty portion of the female population. It sucks, but it is what it is. You are not going to Norma Rae your way out of this by trying to change the system.
Revealing an illness, even an invisible one, is going to make you appear weak and flawed. I tend to think women are more turned off by that than men. Women expect men to be “strong” in various areas, including health and physical ability. You can maybe say that a health situation has sidelined your career and that you’re thankful that you’ve still been able to maintain a secure and stable life. You have to make this sound as positive as possible.
It’s important to paint the right picture of your life and lifestyle. Ok, so you don’t go to an office or work full time. What do you do, if anything? Do you volunteer? Do you work part-time? Do you have hobbies? What does a day in your life look like? That’s what you have to share in your profile. You do not want to make yourself appear like you’re a shut in or live in a plastic bubble. If you’re active enough to be able to date regularly, that needs to come across in your profile.
(Contact me and I’ll be happy to review whatever you write and give you a complimentary profile review session. )
Moxie is right.. Focusing on the positives of being able to financially support yourself, haveing time enough to date regularly, and living an active life should attract a decent group of good women. I treat illness and receiving support the same as unemployment – no one chooses to be in those situations but that doesn’t stop them from happening. As long as people in those situations are living within their means and trying to better their lives that shows real character in my book.
As for when to reveal an illness you want to be upfront but you don’t want to risk scaring someone off by revealing too soon. Go with the natural flow, bring it up whenever that comfort level is reached where you’re both opening up about more personal things.
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There’s a difference between weakness and vulnerability. I’d be inclined to reveal it very early. Present it not as a pathetic weakness but as a challenge that you’ve had to confront.
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As a woman, I agree with lalalatte. Reveal your illness when you’re comfortable. I’d say maybe before you meet in person, def before you sleep together. I say before you sleep together cuz a woman may feel cheated or like you were dishonest with her if you wait till after you get some to disclose.
Also, for a woman on the fence about involving herself seriously with somebody who can’t work might breathe a sigh of relief that you gave her an easy out. It’s too easy to say “well, it they were on the fence I don’t want them anyway” These may be some of the better options cuz they are putting real thought into what life with you will be like, and are prob asking themselves the hard questions up front.
My opinion is that men tend to be more open dealing with illness in a potential partner better at first glance. I think it’s left over gender stereotypes of women as the weaker sex. I don’t think you should talk about your illness in your profile, way too much too soon. A woman who already likes you is much more lIkely to stay/try to be with you despite your illness.
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CFS is tough, I know I’ve had it. And for those who question this sort of thing, I was at one time in my life told I was going die and it wasn’t as bad as that because in that case I got ill and (very, very luckily) I got better – you can at least understand it and other people get it – CFS is chronic and miserable and makes you unreliable pretty much by default.
I’m honestly not sure its possible, at least not in an internet dating market scenario. I would seek other avenues personally.
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I think the big question here isn’t about how to reveal that you’re unemployed. The big questions are 1) do you have enough money to support yourself, and 2) how are you able to date if you are too “sick” to work?
Moxie got to it at the end, “Is important to paint the right picture of your life and lifestyle. Ok, so you don’t go to an office or work full time. What do you do, if anything? Do you volunteer? Do you work part-time? Do you have hobbies? What does a day in your life look like? That’s what you have to share in your profile.” Exactly. Many women are not going to want to date someone who doesn’t have any energy all day, every day. Or maybe it’s only once in a while–so what do you do the rest of the time?
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Mandy–I fully agree. I know of some men – who DO work (1 job)…and all they do is complain about how physically drained they are, and they don’t even want or perhaps have the energy to do much! Young men–not older then 50 yrs old either. I guess work can be taxing on us all. Let alone the fact that some of these men in their 40′s – approaching their 50′s–are living with their parents! (or rather OFF of their parents)…so they basically do have meals prepared and a home that is mananged/cleaned. So – if one is unemployed–they pretty much ALL DAY to do what? They should be productive somehow and show that they are motivated to learn, get involved in the community and have some interests. Nothing worse than a man that complains constantly about how tired they are, or complains about work. Yet, they complain about being alone. Well…dating requires some level of energy and motivation too.
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Whoa! Being too sick to work doesn’t mean to sick to date or have a life! Working a full time job requires an ability to commit to productivity CONSISTENTLY for five days a week for most people. Lots of people on disability really can’t do that cuz lots of these diseases are unpredictable in when/how they will flare up. Employers can’t really depend on a Maybe/Maybe not – BUT an understanding partner/lover CAN decide they will deal with the ups and downs if they think it’s worth it.
OP, I think you should date – online and offline. Don’t listen to people who tell you it can’t happen to you, or people who come to you with preconceived ideas about what it means to be disabled. Take Moxie up on her free profile review, go to meet ups or free events in your area, spend time with your friends, try to look as good as you can, & try not to get bitter when you get rejected by lots of women for something you can’t control. At the end of it all you might end up single, alone, sad, and miserable but you just might end up with somebody you love who loves you back. Or single and HAPPY about it. Good Luck!
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Exactly, so the point is that he should be very open about what he DOES do, since he can’t work a full time job. There is a difference between someone playing video games all day and living off the system, and someone who has an active lifestyle (volunteer work, activities, part-time or contract work, etc.) and still manages to pay the bills, but just can’t have a full time job for whatever reason.
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To go off the topic a little, I don’t agree with Moxie’s statement that women who care about how much a man makes and what specific field he is in (if not “luxurious” enough, then he is out) should be avoided at all costs and that they are wrong, red flags, etc.
I know it’s an unorthodox confession but I had been this woman to some extent, and I don’t think of myself as golddigger or an opportunist, or a freeloader or someone who just wanted strings of free dinners, etc.
The thing to remember is that while for some women that interest in men’s job, income signifies something bad in their nature, for some it’s just circumstantial, just a natural evolution in their life outlook, or something that had happened once and then repeated itself, which was the case with me. In my early 20′s I never-ever cared about what guys did, I went out with a guy who did random construction jobs around the city bars, a guy who didn’t have a job (admittadly, he was in his early 20′s and fresh out of college), a salesman at a Joseph Warehouse, etc. It was more the continuation of that high school crushes for me where you don’t even consider those things.
When I was 24, however, I met this guy who happened to be a banker, and, yes, he took me to places like Le Cirque, Ciprianni. etc. and bought nice gifts (for holidays only – and we celebrated two of them when we were dating) for me. So did I get used to it? Yes. Did it feel nicer than going to a pizza parlor and paying your $2 for your cheese slice when on a date with that construction guy, for example? Yes. Did I like the 5th ave department store gifts for the holidays Yes, what woman wouldn’t? Was I going to be able to date different type of a guy after we broke up? No, not in my case. Not because I am a freeloader but because sometimes, when you try something you like, it’s hard to go back to something different. You get used to certain things same as people with means get used to a certain lifestyle. Besides, all of my relationships after that guy were with bankers or banking law/corporate lawyers, just what it was, just felt natural to me. And I had two long-term relationships with two of them and now am married to another one of them – so they didn’t date me just to get laid, and I didn’t date them just to get my free meal and move on to the next one. Is it shallow? A litte, and I admit that. But it has worked for me so…
Hot debate. What do you think?
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“I don’t think of myself as golddigger or an opportunist, or a freeloader or someone who just wanted strings of free dinners, etc”
“Did I like the 5th ave department store gifts for the holidays Yes, what woman wouldn’t? Was I going to be able to date different type of a guy after we broke up? No, not in my case. Not because I am a freeloader but because sometimes, when you try something you like, it’s hard to go back to something different”
Erine- these 2 comments contradict each other. Maybe you didnt start out as a golddigger or opportunist, but after dating a Mr Big, you have become one. Of course everyone gets used to a certain type of partner. But if you lose that partner and you can no longer adjust to a different kind, then you are what you are. You became accostomed to the finer things. No shame in that. But own it for crying out loud.
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Just as a guy can’t be acused of being attracted to attractive women (as opposed to seeing her golden personality before seeing her looks), a woman who considers and is attracted to men with certain jobs, etc. (and who actually can afford it and be of interest to these men), is not a walking red flag. We are as selective as our options are, no blame game here.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I thought from the headline this meant, how does one date when they’re unemployed. For me it’s an interesting question. For a girl that I’m dating to be unemployed is a non-issue (hasn’t happened yet). I wouldn’t see it as big deal, to do so would be very short sighted of me. But there have been times when I met people when I wasn’t working. The first time brings back some great memories. I met her online. After a week of e-mailing I called her. We hit it off right away. Eventually I disclosed the fact that I got laid off two months earlier. She said “that sucks, that happened to me last year.” She asked to see my LinkedIn account and we both looked at it together. She said “Oh you’ll get a job soon.” We met and ended up dating for a couple of years. I got a job a week later and I always attributed it to her for bringing me luck. Though we’re not together now, we’re still very good friends. The second girl, I had taken out twice, we liked each other (so I thought) when I got laid off again. When I told her this over the phone, I never heard from her again. The third girl I met online as well. I disclosed to her the fact that I got laid off a few weeks ago. She said she got laid off too not long ago. We decided to meet and now we’re meeting for the third time this Thursday. Wish us luck!
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Just say you’re a writer
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