Beware The Man Who Was Burned By His Ex

Name: Peter
Age: 28
State:
Question: The last post in regards to single vs divorced is the impetus for this letter.  I am currently separated from my wife and required to live apart for 1 full year before filing for divorce in my state with 6 months down and 6 more to go.

I have listed myself as divorced on my online profiles versus separated as there is zero chance of reconciliation, although I remain legally married.  We have a separation agreement, so our assets are settled and all that is left is a court date in 6 months to tell the judge we’re done.

My problem is that being 20-something and divorced carries a stigma.  I was married 5 years and my wife ended up buying a plane ticket to see another man and asked me for an open marriage.  I told her to cancel the ticket and move out or she could fly out to see the guy with the expectation of me not being here when she got back, so she moved out and cancelled the ticket last minute, keeping her options open.  A month later, she asked for a divorce, rebooked her plane ticket, and ended up moving in with the guy several states away just a few weeks later.  I found her journal on the computer when I was sorting through backup files and figuring out what files I needed to get back to her and found out before we got married she cheated on ex-boyfriends, tried to break up engaged couples, and basically fell in love with every man she ever met and manipulated them for her personal gain.  It turned out everything was an elaborate front and the woman I married never existed.

The bottom line is I was a victim in my marriage/divorce.  Before I found out she wasn’t the person she claimed to be, I told my ex-wife I’d quit my job, quit grad school, go to counseling, and do whatever else it took to save our marriage, but it was all for nothing if she wasn’t willing to put forth the effort since I couldn’t save our marriage on my own.  She told me not to do any of the above and gave up on me, which in hindsight was a good thing after finding her journal.

I live in the Bible Belt/South and the type of women I want to attract are those with strong values as my ex-wife turned out to not have any values at all.  This typically means a woman who is religious or politically conservative (of which my ex-wife was neither), which I have no problem with, but I carry the divorced stigma and get judged negatively despite the fact I was willing to give up everything to make my marriage work.  My parents are divorced and a “family history of divorce” seems to also be a red flag with  women also.

Beyond the divorce stigma, I’m a catch: I’m good looking, work out regularly, earn six figures, own a house, finish grad school in May, and I’m obviously not afraid of monogamy or commitment.  I realize that everyone my age has baggage and the key difference is how people have managed their baggage.  The only thing scarier than a man with a past is a man with no past. I don’t want to tick the box as never married and be deceptive and I don’t think it is appropriate to go into divorce details on a dating profile, but it sure would be nice if the women who weren’t emailing me back because I ticked the divorce box knew the reasons behind it without sounding like a vindictive crazy man.  If I would have had a church wedding, I’d have grounds for an annulment and would have never been married in the eyes of a church and could claim never married with an asterisk. What’s a guy to do to improve his odds without being a big fat liar liar pants on fire?

 

Here’s my question:

Do you want to date or do you want to bitch? Because it sounds like you just want to bitch. I’m not sure you should be dating at all at this juncture because you’re clearly not any where near past what your ex-wife did. This wasn’t really a letter seeking advice. You just wanted to vent. Which, I’ll tell you now, is unattractive. It’s unattractive in women and it’s unattractive in men. I understand that what she did was selfish, thoughtless and hurtful. I do and I’m sorry. But this woman didn’t become a shrew overnight. Nor did she hide it, as so many people like to say happens when they wake up one day and realize they dated an asshole. These people aren’t the cunning and calculated sociopaths we like to tell people they are. We refer to them as such because that’s a much easier pill to swallow than admit we were just blind or needy or lonely or desperate. And because it removes all responsibility from us for why we chose them.  She always was who she was. You just chose to ignore it.

Sweetheart, you’re wife picked you for a reason. Yep. She carried on affairs and manipulated you behind your back. Do you know why? Because she knew you’d either never catch on or you’d ignore it and let her do what she wanted because you feared losing her.

I was married 5 years and my wife ended up buying a plane ticket to see another man and asked me for an open marriage. 

Do you understand that by doing this she was telling you she couldn’t have cared less how you felt? No matter what you said, she was going to do what she wanted to do. I guess what I’m wondering is how you fell for this girl in the first place.  You need to figure out why you married this woman or else you’re doomed to repeat this mistake.

As for the rest of your letter, TL/DR. I mean, I read it. You’re so stuck in victim mode that it was struggle to get through it. I’m guessing that this is just who you are: a professional victim. You’re whining about stigmas and your selfish ex-wife and society. People who adopt a victim mentality tend to get victimized. That’s how it works.

What’s a guy to do to improve his odds without being a big fat liar liar pants on fire?

Well, the first thing they do is to swear never to say “liar liar pants on fire” again.  This isn’t about online dating and being divorced with an asterisk. What can you do? You can stop feeling sorry for yourself, take responsibility for choosing poorly, find out why you were attracted to your ex-wife and fix the problem. There you go. Boom goes the dynamite.

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37 Responses to “Beware The Man Who Was Burned By His Ex”

  1. D'Alias Says:

    If you’re looking for a woman with strong moral character, it might behove you not to start things off with a lie. You’re not divorced – you’re separated. And confused. And angry. And it shows.

    Why not just wait till you ARE divorced and check single? It’s cleaner than what you are doing now.

    And go to a few church groups if you want a religious woman. But I don’t know if I believe you cuz if you care so much than why weren’t you married in a church?

    And I think it’s silly to think you can detect if a new woman is like your ex wife based upon superficial factors like her publicaly declared political and religious affiliations. The only way to tell is by getting to know a new woman over time.

    • Howard Says:

      Who says? Why shouldn’t he want happiness. This is the classic, “a man can never win” situation. That is why guys just shut up and do what they do. When women come with these sob stories, they get at the very least, no abuse, and generally enough women chiming in with their own sob stories and compassion.

      Now let’s examine the title of “Beware the man who was burned by his ex” To be honest, when I was out there, at least half the women I met would fit the category of being burned by their ex. I never held it against any of them; it just really came down to, how bad was the baggage they kept carrying around?

      I still believe there is someone for everyone. Yes, there is someone to hold this guy’s hand. It may not be any of the women on this board, but that does not mean that woman is not out there.

      Personally I don’t think this guy has really bad baggage, baggage for sure, but not the worst. I believe he was outlining the problem the way he did because he is personally troubled about being even a little less than forthright about his exact status. He quite rightly knows that if he lists or presents himself as separated, he eliminates 95% of the women he would have a chance with, if he had listed himself as divorced.

      He is struggling with the moral dilemma that this presents, as obviously being less than forthright is not his thing. Look at what he ends with. “What’s a guy to do to improve his odds without being a big fat liar liar pants on fire?”

      But us, being the way we are on this board, have chosen to beat up on him and assume he is in some big victim mode where he would be totally useless going on a date with anyone. We are too hardcore for our own good on this board, and that’s why we are all so single.

      • fuzzilla Says:

        He calls *himself* a victim and can’t shut up about his ex- for two seconds. He’s stuck in the past and has no psychological or emotional “space” to let anyone else in. Doesn’t make him a terrible, awful guy who doesn’t deserve happiness, but does make him not ready to date this exact second.

        • fuzzilla Says:

          I think that’s why a lot of people don’t like to own their behavior, they can’t separate their actions from their “self;” can’t separate “I did not such a great thing” from “I’m not such a great person.” That must be why people make these logical leaps where someone says “own your shit” and it’s heard as “what do you mean I don’t deserve happiness??”

        • Howard Says:

          “Can’t shut up about his ex” That’s what people do on these blogs. Does that mean, that will dominate any dating situation they find themselves in? Possibly, but not absolutely.

          He wants to find someone, so that is what means happiness to him. Of course he should own his shit. My comments about his happiness has nothing to do with people telling him to own his shit. My comments are directed towards people who think this guy should just cloister himself and not go on a date with anyone.

          It’s rather presumptious of people to dole out this type of advice when there is probably some piece of their game missing too. And a lot of the people on this board are having trouble in the current dating climate. There is nothing wrong with that. We seem to have embarked on a mission of perfection, something we ourselves can’t measure up to. One day it’s people out of work shouldn’t try to date. The next day it’s someone with a bad breakup shouldn’t be dating.

          • fuzzilla Says:

            >My comments are directed towards people who think this guy should just cloister himself and not go on a date with anyone.<

            They're saying this because his negativity will scare potential dates away and they think he'd be better served by sorting that out first. I agree. True, the things you'd write in to a dating advice person may not be exactly the things you'd say on a date, but the dude's anger is palpable and that's got to come through in person. Anyone he dates now is just gonna be used as a rebound and/or shrink.

            I used to complain all the time about this horrible guy I dated but I forced myself to see the good in knowing him, which was: It really drove home the point that there are far (FAR) worse things than being single. Most of the guys I've dated since I split with the ex- have been nice and treated me well, but there was a deeper emotional connection missing. There were one or two royal assholes, though, who made me think "Wow, really? I'm putting up with that just to say I'm dating? Is it *really* that bad being single?" The OP needs to do a similar kind of soul searching where he's at least at peace with the past and his choices and focused on the present/future.

          • LostSailor Says:

            My comments are directed towards people who think this guy should just cloister himself and not go on a date with anyone. It’s rather presumptious of people to dole out this type of advice…The next day it’s someone with a bad breakup shouldn’t be dating.

            Howard, no one is saying he should “cloister” himself and become a monk. No one is saying that someone who has a bad breakup shouldn’t be dating. And there is nothing presumptuous about using experience as a guide to offer advice.

            This wasn’t just a “bad breakup,” it was by all indications a fairly traumatic, fundamental betrayal, one that’s only 6 months old. Most of us who have been through much less painful divorces know from experience that rushing into a quest to “find someone” can often quickly become “find anyone,” which usually leads to a bad end.

            This guy has 6 months of separation to go before he can even file for divorce and there is no telling whether that divorce process will be contentious or not. For most people, it’s an emotionally very stressful time.

            Perhaps instead of focusing on how to somehow market himself without using the dreaded “D” word, the next 6 or 8 or 10 months would be better spent getting his shit together and figuring out why his marriage fell apart–which it was apparently destined to do from the beginning–so that when he is completely free to date again he’ll be in a better head-space and optimize his chances of actually finding someone who will work out…

      • D'Alias Says:

        I think it’s fine for the OP to go on dates. Whether or not six months is too soon is for him to determine, not us. He didn’t ask us that.

        What’s questionable is his insistence on dating a woman with strong moral character when he is starting the whole thing off with a lie. It’s not ok to pretend you are divorced when you aren’t yet of you’re looking for honesty in your partner. (if he was just looking to date, meet new people, possible just for sex, that may be a different story).

        Op, I hope you read all the comments and think about them. Good luck

        • fuzzilla Says:

          I wouldn’t begrudge him some newly-single-status slutting around to blow off steam (as long as he’s reasonably self aware and doesn’t lead anyone on). He seems all “serious relationship or GTFO,” though, and I believe that will have to wait ’til there’s a more solid foundation to build on.

  2. LostSailor Says:

    I have to agree, Peter, that you shouldn’t be looking to date at the moment. There is nothing worse than realizing that someone has taken you for a ride, especially someone you loved and married, and you need to deal with that.

    You may be a “catch” on paper, but before you get back into the pool, you need to honestly address the inside: why were you played in the first place? Was it outside pressure to get married and live a “traditional” life? Inside pressure? Did you rush into something without completely understanding the character of the woman you were getting involved with? Until you work on the internal issues, you shouldn’t worry about the external ones like whether you should list yourself as divorced or not.

    Here’s one key: she told me not to do any of the above and gave up on me. No. She didn’t give up on you, she never invested in you in the first place. The question is why you married a woman who never actually invested. You can complain that she was some kind of sociopath that pulled the wool over your eyes, but the truth is it’s hard to be fooled unless you want to be fooled. You need to figure out why you ultimately wanted to be fooled.

    When you do get back into the pool, you should be upfront and click the “divorced” box. Yes, it may put you at a disadvantage, but them’s the breaks. Only in the Catholic church could you possibly get an annulment, but it wouldn’t really matter. This isn’t a technicality; you were married and divorced. You’re gonna have to own that. It’s call being a man.

    • Eliza Says:

      Hi LostSailor–you see, some men get fooled – when they think with “the little head”–not the “big head”! lol. Seriously. You know there is much truth in that. Like I said–not everything you see–if what is. About the OP’s obsession and insecurity about being divorced…get over it. A crack in the ceiling is only as monumental as you make it seem…then it’s apparent and a major flaw to all those around you.

  3. Matt Says:

    I’m surprised no one’s chimed in with the “Make more friends!” pablum yet.

    Anyway, OP, you want to find someone moral. Great. The problem is, some people follow the advice of Machiavelli and are content to merely appear moral, and there’s no way to root these people out until they show their true colors. Basically, you have to decide if you want to believe the best in people or not.

    • DatingNoob Says:

      Ok, I will.
      OP. Go out there and make some friends. It seems like you got hurt pretty bad by this experience so give yourself some time to recover and introspect as to what actually happened. What signs did you overlook or dismiss? And seriously, are you already looking for a serious long term relationship? That’s not so healthy; people usually refer to that as being on the rebound. What girl wants to be a rebound girl anyways?
      Lastly, you seem to think this one check box on your profile is what’s in the way. Ok, put single and see what happens. Be sure to be upfront about your true status once someone shows interest, no need to retell the whole story though and never lie in person. Yes, that would technically be a lie, I can feel the boos coming. But really people, is it so bad? There are people who put single who just ended a decade long relationship, the only difference being they never got married. In the cookie cutter world of online dating, people are mostly looking for an excuse to “next” you in search of the perfect match. Why give them this one?

      • Matt Says:

        Annnd there it is. Great advice, if he wants new friends. But what if he doesn’t? What if he’s happy with the number and quality of friends he has right now?

        • DatingNoob Says:

          >What if he’s happy with the number and quality of friends he has right now?<
          My advice has nothing to do with that. If this guy truly wants to find someone his best chances are through expanding his circles of friends and acquaintances. Meeting women the good ole fashioned way, in person. In real life there are no check boxes to worry about. People keep looking for silver bullets to this dating thing, but there is none better than the “meet new people” advice. At least until we start carrying copies of our dating profiles and handing them to people we are interested in when we meet them.

          • Matt Says:

            To paraphrase the show Dr. Katz Professional Therapist, the trick isn’t meeting new people, it’s meeting them again. Having a bunch of friends and acquaintances is fine, but if they don’t help you with your dating goals, then it’s only worthwhile if you want them as friends and acquaintances.

            More importantly, if you don’t want new friends but go about making friends with the sole intent of advancing your dating goals and prospects, then that is more than a little deceitful and manipulative, quite frankly.

    • Eliza Says:

      Hi Matt- You have a valid point. However, in due time, truth always comes out. People can’t keep up their oscar-winning performances indefinitely. Time reveals all. The point is — not to jump in too quickly–and not base one’s interest soley on what “they see”–how much physical attraction stands before them. Because some of the most visually beautiful people out there – are the ugliest in terms of demeanor! And that “beauty” – can be very blinding, IF you let it be. So–I agree…stop playing the victim, oh woe is me…and take some accountability for the end-result..and learn from your mistakes. What you see, is not always what you get. Someone that feels this disheartened and emotionally bruised by a situation he probably had “some” control in, shouldn’t be dating so soon. What’s the harm in waiting those 6 months. The ink hasn’t even HIT the divorce papers yet! sheesh.

  4. John Says:

    The OP is looking for a problem where none exists. There are so many people divorced these days especially on online dating sites- even in the Bible Belt. A friend of mine went to Texas A&M and he had more sex in college than anyone I know. So the Bible Belt girls arent as conservative and uptight as the OP thinks. I am sure if he did a search for ladies that were divorced in his area, there would be plenty. And if he searched male profiles who put divorced, there would also be plenty. Its just silliness on his part to be so concerned about that.

    Also, if his concern or question was to whether he should use divorced/single, couldn’t it have been asked in a much shorter question to Moxie? Long, rambling emails asking a basic question for something that shouldn’t even have to be asked is high maintenance to me.

  5. wishing u well Says:

    In addtion to what both Moxie and LostSailor had so say, OP, I’d like to add the following: we all want to find someone who will choose to accept us as we are and decide that the good in us outweighs our flaws. However, the key word here is “CHOOSE.” When one lies about certain things, you are robbing the person of the opportunity (and their right) to choose you based on the actual facts. Instead, by doing so, you are saying “my logic and reasoning supercedes yours. Your thoughts and values do not matter.” This behavior is dishonest, manipulative, and selfish. And if you carry that type of behavior into other aspects of your life, I’ll wager that you will continue to have much drama and limited success in the relationship department. Let’s not also forget that if you are potentially looking for a “moral and religious” person in the Bible belt, the Bible tends to frown on adultery. So you in essence would be “tricking” women into breaking one of the Ten Commandments. Nice.

    Until you have been legally returned to being single, you are married but separated. Own it, accept it, and freaking be accountable for your life choices.

  6. The D-man Says:

    The divorce rate in the Bible Belt is higher than allegedly godless places like Massachusetts and New York. It sounds to me like the OP is the one judging divorce, not all these super-moral women he hasn’t even met yet.

    Divorce is awful. I had a very amicable divorce and it still sucked. Take some time to work on yourself and get over the idea that divorce makes you a failure.

  7. LaMotta Says:

    Have to agree with Moxie … (1) this guy isn’t ready to start dating yet, and (2) I doubt he was outright “deceived” the whole time; some part of him wanted the lie.

    I’ve been there (in fact, my last major relationship).

    Luckily I got out of it before marriage, then I took a year to not date or just date casually. But I was honest with myself and acknowledge that I “missed the signs”. And really, it’s because I wanted to overlook them.

    For a five year relationship the OP may not even be ready again in a year.

    I think dating casually is fine, as long as he makes it clear to others, and more importantly, himself, that’ that’s what mode he is in. This may require really “putting down your foot” when you do encounter a potential relationship that seems like it would be very comfortable to settle into.

    That’s what I did and it seemed to help. About 6 months after the “tragic” relationship where Iwas “deceived”, I could have settled into a serious relationship, but it ran afoul of my two rules at the time: (1) nothing serious for at least a year, and (2) nothing that pushes me to change my own life plans (it would have required me to cancel a move to another city that I wanted to do).

    It was for the better.

  8. Raving Lunatic Says:

    OP, last thing you need is another relationship right now. We all know how it feels when you wind up on the crap side of a nasty breakup, and the (you thought) love of your life is instantly off with someone else. You feel the need to get someone else ASAP, you MUST compete and get revenge, come out on top, prove something, on and on. It is the worst thing you can do, and it isn’t fair to the potential date. Any young woman would be right to be on her guard against dating someone like you at this time. It’s not the divorce that’s necessarily going to be a stigma. (If divorce was such an impediment to dating, there wouldn’t BE any dating after your early twenties.) Don’t get so caught up in your personal hurt, as you are right now, that you splash it on someone else. Dating & relationships aren’t just about you.

    You’re young, don’t be in such a hurry, and don’t be so inflexible about what should be. That’s a sure fire way to live a life of constant frustration. You need to find yourself and come to terms with how the relationship wound up this way, and your part in it. As Moxie said, she chose you for a reason. And to figure that out, you need space and time, not hair of the dog.

    I’m from and live in the bible belt too. And I can tell you most of your perceptions of stigma are misguided or really just projection of how YOU feel about it. And in my experience, church girls (and guys) are no better or worse in their behavior on average than non-church goers. They’re just better at covering it up out of necessity.

    • chillybeans Says:

      So true! My Ex actually changed his religion to get around Catholicism’s pesky insistence on confession and atoning for your sins. Oh, and so he could get remarried in a church….

      He pointed out once to me that “I’m a better person than you because I go to church EVERY SUNDAY”…..despite his long history of philandering, lying, backstabbing and cheating.

  9. chica Says:

    My advice to OP would be to check out meetup.com or meetings and activities in his area where he can meet other singles and divorcees. Maybe he can find a divorce support group. He needs to talk to someone and there is no shame in therapy. Anyone who seeks out healing is not weak in my book. Thid would be a good time to check out different churches or any faith/ tradition you have always been curious about. Get out and do things. Everything is not accomplished online.

  10. ivan Says:

    again here is a perfect situation how the guy should learn the person first. Date a woman a few times. dont talk to her on the phone try to talk to her on your dates. this way you can read her body language. the only time to speak on the phone should be to make the next date. dont bother asking how was her day or how she is feeling on the phone. wait till the date comes then ask her questions. Pay attention to what she says and dont say. look at her body language it will reveal alot. Oh and dont do texting with woman. That only leads to misunderstanding. Woman love to talk about them selves so ask questions and pay attention. Because woman have a radar on men. when it comes to dating woman men are behind and woman are ahead on the game. I am starting to learn more from the doc that cant believe how right on he is about dating woman.

    • ivan Says:

      i think it is mostly woman who gave me a thumbs down. but hey this is real advice on going on dates with woman. this way guys dont get burned in a divorce.

      • wishing u well Says:

        Listen – love and life are both full of risk. There’s no way to avoid it: in order to get to where you want to be in life, regardless of whether or not it is monetary or is in the relationship department – success requires risk. It involves disappointments. It involves continuing to get back up, brush the dirt off your back, and to move forward without letting the past grandstand its way into your present and your future (as focusing too much on the past often causes one to inadvertently repeat it). It involves taking a hard look at yourself and owning your part in your story (regardless of however painful, uncomfortable, or embarrassing it is) so that true change and true progress can be made.

        There are no magical steps to take, no set formulas to follow. People are complex, different, and wonderful. If you only talk to a woman when you are on a date, you are shooting yourself in the foot. As a woman, I can tell you that this approach sounds guarded, cold, and compartmentalized, the antithesis of the connecting and bonding that ensues in a positive relationship scenario. Remember: like tends to attract like. I invite you to get yourself to a place where you can truly and freely see the good in others, and you’ll be surprised at the results. Normally this process begins from the inside out. Anyhow, I wish you well.

        • ivan Says:

          QUOTE
          ” If you only talk to a woman when you are on a date, you are shooting yourself in the foot. As a woman, I can tell you that this approach sounds guarded, cold, and compartmentalized, the antithesis of the connecting and bonding that ensues in a positive relationship scenario. ”

          well you want to read the woman body lang as to why just talk to her on the date. you really want to see if she is into the guy. Woman say things just to avoid a fight or making a guy feel bad. If the woman digs the guy she will go on the date. No need to talk to her before that. just to make the date with her thats all.

          • wishing u well Says:

            “Woman say things just to avoid a fight or making a guy feel bad.”

            You do realize that we do this also when we’re into a guy, right? It’s called being considerate…not to be confused with being “fake.” For an example: a guy who I used to date once showed up with something he thought I’d like as a mini gift on the 2nd or 3rd date. It was not my taste, but it was clear that he put thought into it and had been paying attention during our conversations (both during and in-between dates). I appreciated the thought and kept my opinions to myself. The big picture is what is important. Women aren’t that simple, ivan….I’m telling you….the only women who are truly okay with that consistent type of setup are the ones you have to pay for.

  11. Mary Says:

    OP,

    Please get off of the internet and take care of yourself. You don’t sound ready to date and it’s really not fair to the potential girls you might meet online or elsewhere. I agree with Moxie that you need to explore why you let this woman treat you this way. If you don’t, you will go through your life repeating this pattern. I also think you need to explore what possessed you to get married at 23 years of age. You were a child and honestly, you’re not much older now. Please, please, take care of yourself first before looking to get into another relationship.

    • ivan Says:

      you are def right Mary 23 is too young to get married. I think op can date but nothing serious. there are plenty of woman looking to date with no real intentions to get married. This can give you a feel for other woman with different point of view on life. You may turn out you get better along with a woman who is not into god. just an example of a girl different from what you think you want. You wouldn’t know that until you are willing to go outside of the box. maybe take a few trips and see what other woman have to offer you in a relationship. you are still young and you are carrying emotions from your last relationship. It happens to all of us.

      • D'Alias Says:

        There’s plenty of women in their late 20s and early 30s who want to date wo getting married?

        • ivan Says:

          in nyc yeah. and there are those that are non religious .

        • Eliza Says:

          Yes, indeed there are…it’s actually very likely – especially in their late 20’s – when they may be pursuing their careers, or getting established in their chosen professions. That is more likely to change for women in their early 30’s to mid 30’s. But, regardless if the OP is not even legally divorced yet, and feeling very emotionally bruised…what he needs is time to himself. Be patient with yourself….and take care of you first…so that in the future, you do get involved with the right person for the right reasons.

  12. SuzieQ Says:

    Peter – the story is one I’ve heard before; and lived before; you are trusting and naive and hook up with someone who abuses that trust. I understand. I’m from the South and have high expectations and values, and am consistently let down. I believe I am just unrealistic, however, others tell me to stick to my guns and don’t settle. So, I date here and there but never get beyond 1st or 2nd date with someone – they all prove to be fake, shallow weirdos in some fashion at some point.

    I’m very slender, attractive, smart, funny, and kind, in my 40’s and just feel like I was born in the wrong era. Both men and women treat each other like dirt these days. That’s just not acceptable.
    That said, you need to get to know someone slowly and let them earn your trust before diving in head first. You may contact me if you want to see what a real Southern woman is like who values and respects a good man.

    Y’all, go easy on this guy, and on each other…this is a hard life, the Internet is a hard place, and we all could use a little gentleness sometimes. He was brave enough to put it out there. Just my 2 cents. Gimme a hug. ;)

  13. Tonya Johnson Says:

    Amen!!

  14. NailPolish Says:

    Nice thoughts, SuzieQ. The only thing I disagree with is your notion that people in the past treated each other better.

    I am perplexed by the idea that the LW has to “own up to” his supposed role in his wife’s infidelities. Some people might bring that on themselves unconsciously, I guess, but a lot of other people who are not cheated on just got lucky in that regard.

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