Name: Marie
Age: 45
State: Florida
Question: I went out on a first date and really connected to this guy. I broke all my rules…I drank too much, slept with him (letting the wild girl come out-which I have never done). He only texted me a few times and called once. He said he wants to get together again but working a lot. After almost 3 weeks I had a drink and sexted him!! He did not sex back except to say he is getting horny and will see me soon. I am embarrassed. If I was dating me I would say yikes..she is too wild and only wants sex. I am not normally like this, so should I apologize and explain who I normally am ( a good, caring, mature, responsible, not party animal kinda of girl) or do I just stop texting and if he does text or call just not defend myself?Photo Credit – roblang.photoshelter.com
If I was dating me I would say yikes..she is too wild and only wants sex.
That’s because you’re a woman. A guy wouldn’t find your desire to have sex a bad thing. You’re thinking like a woman. The fact that you care what he thinks means you’re not just in it for the sex. You made a decision and now you’re all in your head because you’ve been trained to believe that women who have sex too soon are slutty and bad and blah blah blah . He’s not not seeing you because you were so “wild” in bed.He’s not seeing you because he has options. Either that or he was never terribly interested in the first place and took the sex you offered him.
I went out on a first date and really connected to this guy.
That was your first mistake. Had you and this guy genuinely connected, you wouldn’t have needed to sext him. He isn’t treating you like a booty call option because you had omigod “wild” sex with him. You didn’t disrupt true love’s design and now it’s going to come to get you like some rom com version of Final Destination. That connection was in your head. That you’re still believing that you and this guy had a connection is the real problem. The only time you should be having sex with a guy on the first, second, third whatever date is if you’re perfectly okay with the possibility that you might never get anything more than that from him. The sex should never be used to as a bartering chip. That’s not to say that you won’t ever get more than sex. You just can’t use sex for anything other than personal pleasure if you wish to avoid what it is that you’re feeling right now.
Women like to imagine that there was some magical connection between themselves and a guy so they can justify doing exactly what you did. You wanted to have sex. That’s it. That’s why you’re remembering that date the way you are. It’s selective recall. You are embarrassed at what you did and are now choosing to see that date as something that it wasn’t.
The real question is…why did you want to have sex? Was it because you were horny and you like sex? Ehh…I’m guessing no. More likely, you thought showing him how “wild” you were in bed was going to make him like you more and keep you interested. If you just wanted to have sex you wouldn’t care a whit what he was thinking about you or whether he was judging you. That’s what sexual empowerment is all about: making a choice, owning it and never apologizing for it. Don’t you dare send that guy a text and explain yourself. You don’t owe him or anybody else an explanation or apology. Not only that but doing that will make you way too vulnerable. If he wasn’t using you before, he sure as hell will once you back pedal on your decision to have sex with him. Never let a man or woman know they’ve got you on the ropes.
After almost 3 weeks I had a drink and sexted him!!
And? You didn’t beat a school bus full of kids with a sack of puppies. The only thing you did wrong was try to use the promise of sex to get attention from a man. That’s what makes what you did awkward. That just doesn’t work. Sure, you might get a response, but more often than not the guy sees that bone that you’re offering as a trap. Most men know that when a woman offers sex, and just sex, there’s usually some strings attached. That’s why many men don’t take that bait.
I’ve explained this before…despite what your friends might tell you, men like slutty women. Slutty is okay. Men date slutty women. Men marry slutty women. But there’s slutty and then there’s…slutty. The former is a woman who likes sex and has it when she wants without giving much care for what the man or her friends or society might think if they knew. That’s the key. If they knew. The latter type of slutty are the women who broadcast or otherwise use their sexuality to get attention or validation. Those women are liabilities. They’re usually insecure or damaged in some way and use sex to fill a void.
Leave it alone. This situation isn’t right for you. You’re way too in your head and second guessing yourself. It won’t end well. He’s clearly not terribly interested in you, so just file that one away and learn from the experience. Do not do what so many women do and tell yourself that you somehow screwed up your chance at finding a boyfriend. The sex had nothing to do with it. He was never going to be your boyfriend.
” If I was dating me I would say yikes..she is too wild and only wants sex” — LOL; thought no man, EVER.
(Of course, in the later stages, if the man is interested in a relationship, he would want more to be there than JUST sex…)
But still, this just shows how Moxie is right on about the OP applying a woman-centric, slut-shaming analysis to her own situation; NOT what the man is likely thinking.
If this guy was interested in a relationship, he’d come around a lot sooner than “soon, when I get horny” (memo: guys don’t take multiple days to “get horny”). Moxie is right; the sex has nothing to do with it — the guy just isn’t interested in seriously dating you right now, and probably has other options.
If you can’t truly reciprocate and see him as casually as he is interested in seeing you, then walk away. Otherwise, just enjoy it; maybe something will develop, maybe not (but in case you continue dating, you should keep YOUR options open as well. Don’t pin all your hopes and dreams on him).
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This blog encourages sex on first date. Has it worked out well for the woman who tried it? Do most women come out feeling fulfilled and liberated, or do most end up feeling unsure and anxious like the op?
What men think in this case is irrelevant. The point is that this woman feels a whole lot of self-doubt and anxiety. She ends up more distressed, and that is the problem.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Ps if a woman is truly liberated, she wouldn’t care about how much men love slutty women (supposedly). She would be making the decision to get intimate on her own accord, be it the first date or the 20th date. Woman who go “all slut power!” May be focused a little too much on what men want (much like all the women who pretend to be all into football thinking that is what men want.)
Hot debate. What do you think?
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This is the type of B. S. which keeps a person from being liberated be it a man or woman. Setting these arbitrary rules that one must conform to. Who is to say that your definition of liberated is right, it’s just a different set of rules that one must adhere to.
Who is to say that it’s wrong to use one’s body for the pleasure of a partner just because we know they’ll like it. Isn’t it a good thing to want to please a partner? It is doing it on one’s own terms the reflects freedom as opposed to being pressured no matter whether that pressure comes from an eager partner of a set of moralistic rules which tell us we can’t without disgracing our gender.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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India, if a woman is truely liberated, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t care about what other women want to do with their own bodies. I’m also pretty sure that a woman who is truely liberated wouldn’t care what you think about her being “slutty”.
In my own personal experience, I’ve definitely had serious relationships form after having sex on the first date. In fact, my current boyfriend and I hooked up on our first date, so, yes. I would say it has worked out pretty well for me. But that’s because I never regretted it or had sex before I wanted to.
It really depends on the person. Do some men look only for sex? Sure. So do some women. If someone is uncomfortable having sex early but does it anyways, then it’s definitely a turn off, whether male or female. Confidence is sexy in a man or a woman. Confident people typically don’t have sex before they want to. Nor do they hold out sex as part of a game to catch a partner.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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No, it doesn’t. It encourages having sex when you want it as long as you know why and have no expectations.
Has it worked out well for the woman who tried it?
I don’t know. Have women been Faded on or dumped after 5 dates? A month? A couple months? Seems like the correlation between when women get blown off and when they gave sex only exists in your head. If she hadn’t had sex with him and waited several weeks, he likely would have done exactly what he did after the first date. And you have no idea how she’d feel if he did that, but I’m sure you’ll posit that “at least she wouldn’t feel used.” Right.
We get it. You don’t do it. You don’t have sex too soon or fudge your dating profile or compromise or settle. You’re the rule follower. Gotcha. Enjoy your little hut on Self-Righteous Island. You don’t sound terribly happy, like, ever. All you do is come here and tell everyone how they’re wrong and you’re right. Yet you still sound utterly miserable. So, why should we listen to you?
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Yeah I believe feminism is really setting women back as well.
But to answer the OP, this man is not interested in her relationship wise, nor is he that interested in her sexually.
A man who wants a relationship would of contacted you more and invested more time/dates/conversation with you.
A man who wants a sexual relationship would of at LEAST been asking you out at night time and since you slept with him first date, he can expect you to sleep with him the next time he calls.
If you have to question a man’s actions; HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Two men I’ve had first-date sex with, I ended up marrying. Off the top of my head, I can think of three couples who’ve been married for 10-plus years who started that way (and who are close enough to share those kinds of details.)
I don’t advocate, or advise against first-date sex. Do it whenever you’re ready. I’m in complete agreement with Moxie that it should NEVER be used as a bargaining chip. That is why so many women do it and end up unhappy. If you’re doing it under the influence of alcohol, or because you think he’ll like you more, you may very well regret it. Be true to yourself, set and maintain your own boundaries, not those arbitrarily set up by whoever, and you won’t have those regrets.
(By “you” I mean women in general, not any specific person)
Look, I don’t believe that most women can have sex like a man. Be honest with yourself and decide whether or not you’re one of the few who can. And just because you have occasional first-date sex doesn’t mean you’re slutty. Each of us needs to figure out for ourselves what is congruent with our values and take responsibility for our own actions.
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Bingo. This and Moxie’s comments are spot-on. People — not just women, but men, too — should have sex when they feel comfortable doing so, recognizing the risks involved, and accepting the potential consequences of their actions AND NOT BEFORE.
Know yourself. Know what you’re comfortable with and where your boundaries are. Know when to push past those boundaries and when to hold back. Accept the consequences of your decisions after having considered the options. The problems come when you either don’t know yourself well enough to know where your boundaries are, or you try to rationalize yourself into crossing a line by saying “I’m sure it’ll be ok…” — in other words, ignoring the risks involved.
If you’re an adult and actually acting like one, it is incumbent upon you to be able to do this, at least most of the time. This means when you cross a line and things go sideways on you, you accept your part in the matter. Ideally, it also means you’re not particularly surprised that, hey, you burn your finger when you touch a hot stove.
In the context of first date sex, that means if you sleep with someone, that’s all well and good, but recognize that it’s a total crap shoot as to whether you’ll hear from them again — just as it would be if you didn’t sleep with them, by the way. With that in mind, if you accept that risk, and think the reward of a roll in the hay is worth it, rock on. If you’re worried you’ll end up feeling bad after, then don’t have sex. It really is that simple, although all of this requires that you know yourself, know your boundaries, and recognize the risks in the moment.
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>This means when you cross a line and things go sideways on you, you accept your part in the matter. Ideally, it also means you’re not particularly surprised that, hey, you burn your finger when you touch a hot stove.<
Yep. The OP's question and Moxie's answer are pretty much Moxie 101 – meaning, anyone who's been reading for a while would already know the answer, more or less. Ideally, the perspective would have already sunken in and the question wouldn't need asking (well, anyone who's been reading for a while and "gets it," anyway).
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Have sex if you want to; don’t have it if you don’t. Have it on the first date or hold out, whatever works for you. People like India who bemoan first-date sex and advocate holding out just don’t get it. To most men, it doesn’t really matter (though if you hold out too long most will split); first-date sex is not going to either cement or spoil a relationship. If he’s into you, he’ll still be into you; if he’s not into you, he’ll still be not into you afterward.
So Moxie’s right in her advice to the OP: don’t call the guy to “explain” and don’t really expect him to call either. If it’s been 3 weeks, he’s just not that into you. The sex didn’t influence him one way or the other.
Oh, and as I’ve mentioned before, my 18 year marriage started with first-date sex…
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You are all so wonderful! I am totally loving all the honesty
I do not regret the sex part I really wanted it and am happy I did it with this man. I did think it through like you said and made a decision to go for it! You are all so right it may have been I did not sleep with him and he still would have been acting this way then I would be wondering other things (women and all their thoughts yikes!). I had to laugh and made my heart less heavy to read all your comments! I get it I know he is just not that into me. Would I be okay casually dating if he called…now I would be and I will be dating other men too! I have always only dated one man at a time…well, I see nothing wrong with dating and then when I do find a connection …find my man, then ya! but I am done sitting around waiting for some man I hardly know that I was attracted to..to call me and decide he wants to go out again..what ever right! Why is it all one sided. Working a lot or not, I too work a lot but if I am interested in getting to know someone I make the time. Thank you ALL 
You are so great!! and uplifting.. I am woman hear me roar lol… I love sex and am not going to apologize anymore for that! I have 10-20 years left with this body and dang it if I am going to sit around all worried and stress about what men think about me.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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As a completely normal and normative guy, I want to chime in with the notion that being slutty is appreciated.
Sex is one of the many things that can make or break a relationship, so why do we insist on waiting so long before exploring this side with a potential partner?
That’s not to say that sexual abstinence is wrong, if that’s your thing, but if you want to have sex then… *drumroll*… have sex!
My first long-term relationship started with a one night stand after a party. I woke up the day after and found her incredibly interesting as a person. We stayed together for 6 years before breaking up.
I’m currently dating a girl who hooked up with me on the first night. She was cute, intelligent, and amazing in bed. Why wouldn’t I want to keep seeing her?
Ladies, do whatever the hell you want, just make sure that you’re not entirely doing it for someone else.
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