“I’m not going to sleep with you on the first date because I really like you.”
This does not compute in the mind’s of most men. It’s one thing to internally decide that you’re not going to sleep with someone yet. It’s entirely another to vocalize that particular thought process. Once a woman does that she has almost certainly sealed her fate.
The implication of the statement is quite clear. “I just need to get past the first date so you don’t think I’m a slut.” By uttering this statement you are telling the man that you’re totally going to have sex with him. Like, totally. Just not that night. Most men know that that means second date sex is almost a given. So they’ll wait a couple days. It won’t kill them. Only the men who never get laid, only want to get laid or guys with really fragile egos will bail completely. So, in a sense, this can be a decent filter. But it’s no where near fool proof. The guys who wait likely have options anyway, which is why holding off one more date for a handy won’t break them.
The greater issue with a statement like this is what it reveals about the woman’s history and pathology. A comment like this completely tears down any mystique the woman may have built. With that one sentence she’s telling a man that she dates by other people’s rules, probably is too dependent on the validation of her girlfriends and made some bad choices.
As I read this article this morning I was reminded of the importance of mystique. In Part 1 of the story, the author took the guy back to her apartment and started to hook up with him. When he reached for the top button of her pants she stopped him and said that if she didn’t think she could date him she’d totally have sex with him.
When he tried to unbutton my pants, I stopped him and said, “I’m not going to fuck you after a fucking writing advice non-date,” I said, but I totally wanted to. But I didn’t. Isn’t that a nice story.
“If I didn’t think we could actually date, I would probably fuck you,” I added, because that makes sense.
Physically it felt different than it’s felt in a while. I didn’t want to play any stupid role or act out any bullshit, I just liked him. Like in an I-could-see-myself-dating-this-dude way.
If the goal is to make guys think “you aren’t like that” then telling a guy you aren’t like that defeats the purpose of making the statement in the first place. After dating for a little while men know to interpret this declaration as, “I’m totally going to sleep with you by date 3. Just be patient.”
And with that, any power the woman thought she had disappears. She also makes herself vulnerable because, by admitting to this, she’s telling the guy that she’s afraid he’ll judge her or pump and dump her. While admitting to fears and insecurities can help build and enhance intimacy, this is the kind of vulnerability that makes you a mark.
To be clear, because I know many women who read this take these sort of posts as encouragement to have sex on the first date, it’s not the decision not to have sex that is the problem. The problem is verbalizing and justifying your decision. By doing so, a woman relinquishes any control she may have had.