Question: I’ve had genital herpes (HSV-2) for two years. I’ve tried online hsv dating with no luck but I have dated 3 guys that I knew from the real world. All three of these guys openly pursued me, not the other way around. I told all three as soon as it was clear that we were thinking of getting intimate and all three were willing to give the relationship a try anyways, but I chickened out.
The problem is that I’m terrified of giving it to someone and then later feeling like they aren’t the one and wanting to break up with them. I just wasn’t sure enough that I really liked them, so it didn’t go anywhere.
When I do meet someone I really like I feel like it would be unfair to flirt with them or ask them out. It feels more misleading and dishonest then if the guy was trying to pursue me.
Is this a reasonable fear or should I try and get over it and get my flirt on?
How do you go about dating in the general fish pool?
I admire your desire to be responsible. I do. But if these men say that they don’t care about your HSV status, then let them take on the responsibility. It’s not up to you. As long as your upfront about your status and take all prescribed meds and practice safe sex, you’ve done your part.
You also need to stop walking around like you have a Scarlet H sewn to your blouse. You have genital herpes, not the Bubonic Plague. You are not in some teeny tiny minority. Will it make things a tad bit more difficult for you? Yes. But guess what? Pretty much everybody has their own Scarlet H. This person is unemployed, this person is a little overweight, this person writes a dating column. Most of us have something that makes it impossible for us to date whomever we want. You are not alone in that.
Will their people who reject you? Yeah. But you know what? You’ll end up screening out a lot of the people just looking for sex. A friend and I were having this conversation last night about what our lines where in regards to STDs. If I met someone that I truly cared about and liked, and he told me he had genital warts, I would at the very least listen to him and do my research. If he’s knowledgeable and can answer my questions, then I’d date him. Would I casually hook up with someone with genital herpes? No. Just being honest. I’ve managed to go my whole life without an STD, and I’m not going to take on that risk just for sex. That’s reckless.
You’re going to hear a lot of fear-mongering from people who will try to label you as “bad.” But again, guess what? Divorced people get labeled as “bad.” People with bad credit get labeled as “bad.” There are always going to be people out there who live in their little bubbles and follow all the rules and cast aspersions on everybody else. Meanwhile, they’re either alone or in miserable relationships. “I would never lie about my age in my dating profile. That’s just wrong!” Translation: I have little success at dating, but at least I’m doing it the right away unlike all those other people.” Congrats. Have fun on that Island of Self-Righteousness.
You need to stop feeling so guilty. That’s the first thing you need to do. That and get rid of this shame you carry around with you.Okay. You got a bum rap and contracted an STD. You didn’t beat a family to death with a sack of puppies. You are not obligated to reveal your status to people just so they don’t waste their time. Like I said the other day, if someone considers a handful of dates to be a waste of their time or gets super invested after a couple of conversations and dates, they have bigger issues to contend with.
**Edited to change “with an STD” to “without.” I do not have an STD.