Name: lovelost
Age: 29
State:
Question: I’ve had genital herpes (HSV-2) for two years. I’ve tried online hsv dating with no luck but I have dated 3 guys that I knew from the real world. All three of these guys openly pursued me, not the other way around. I told all three as soon as it was clear that we were thinking of getting intimate and all three were willing to give the relationship a try anyways, but I chickened out.
The problem is that I’m terrified of giving it to someone and then later feeling like they aren’t the one and wanting to break up with them. I just wasn’t sure enough that I really liked them, so it didn’t go anywhere.
When I do meet someone I really like I feel like it would be unfair to flirt with them or ask them out. It feels more misleading and dishonest then if the guy was trying to pursue me.
Is this a reasonable fear or should I try and get over it and get my flirt on?
How do you go about dating in the general fish pool?
I admire your desire to be responsible. I do. But if these men say that they don’t care about your HSV status, then let them take on the responsibility. It’s not up to you. As long as your upfront about your status and take all prescribed meds and practice safe sex, you’ve done your part.
You also need to stop walking around like you have a Scarlet H sewn to your blouse. You have genital herpes, not the Bubonic Plague. You are not in some teeny tiny minority. Will it make things a tad bit more difficult for you? Yes. But guess what? Pretty much everybody has their own Scarlet H. This person is unemployed, this person is a little overweight, this person writes a dating column. Most of us have something that makes it impossible for us to date whomever we want. You are not alone in that.
Will their people who reject you? Yeah. But you know what? You’ll end up screening out a lot of the people just looking for sex. A friend and I were having this conversation last night about what our lines where in regards to STDs. If I met someone that I truly cared about and liked, and he told me he had genital warts, I would at the very least listen to him and do my research. If he’s knowledgeable and can answer my questions, then I’d date him. Would I casually hook up with someone with genital herpes? No. Just being honest. I’ve managed to go my whole life without an STD, and I’m not going to take on that risk just for sex. That’s reckless.
You’re going to hear a lot of fear-mongering from people who will try to label you as “bad.” But again, guess what? Divorced people get labeled as “bad.” People with bad credit get labeled as “bad.” There are always going to be people out there who live in their little bubbles and follow all the rules and cast aspersions on everybody else. Meanwhile, they’re either alone or in miserable relationships. “I would never lie about my age in my dating profile. That’s just wrong!” Translation: I have little success at dating, but at least I’m doing it the right away unlike all those other people.” Congrats. Have fun on that Island of Self-Righteousness.
You need to stop feeling so guilty. That’s the first thing you need to do. That and get rid of this shame you carry around with you.Okay. You got a bum rap and contracted an STD. You didn’t beat a family to death with a sack of puppies. You are not obligated to reveal your status to people just so they don’t waste their time. Like I said the other day, if someone considers a handful of dates to be a waste of their time or gets super invested after a couple of conversations and dates, they have bigger issues to contend with.
**Edited to change “with an STD” to “without.” I do not have an STD.
That’s bullshit! The first few dates for a guy aren’t just an hour out of our day. Bad credit isn’t the same as an STD. Please don’t equate the two. You wouldn’t go on a first date with Jack-The-Ripper and call that just filtering when he announces you might be under actual physical harm by the third date? (Yes extreme example, but illustrative).
I understand where you’re coming from, having an STD yourself. You’d like it to be the way you’ve responded to this question, but no, you’re biased here. Understandably so, but biased nevertheless.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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That should have read “without” As in “I’ve managed to go my whole life without an STD.”
But the rest of your comment? Crazy.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Oh ok. I take back the second half of my email then.
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You called it an “email”
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To clarify -
1. STD’s bring physical harm to the other. It’s not the same as bad credit.
2. First dates require $$ outlays from the guy. We want to impress the girl. We extend ourselves. We feel cheated therefore when there are clear show stoppers that we are not told about.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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We also feel similarly cheated when a woman knows we want to sleep with them, but gets us to buy her drinks all night just because she’s basking in the attention and the amount of $$ she can get a guy to spend on her is a notch in her belt… Then wishes us a cheery good night and won’t hesitate to call us creepy if we show our disappointment.
I actually have a dear friend who’s doing a book with quite a self righteous tone around the above scenario. She’s very proud that she “rescued” a girl who was going home with a guy because the girl was too drunk (on that guy’s tab), to make the right decisions. The said drunk girl thanked my friend later which just reinforced the self righteous aura.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Here’s how you avoid that. Don’t be such a doormat and stop trying to hard.
Any guy who tries to get a woman drunk and take her home in order to have sex with her is rapey. So, if he was th one who bought her all those drinks she’s then obligated to have sex with him? That’s Rapey 101.
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mmm that’s extreme (like my Jack the ripper analogy
I wasn’t saying trying to get her drunk and take her home (although to be fair, why a woman knowingly gets into that state and THEN complains, I’ll never know).
I was talking about chatting all night over maybe 3, 4 drinks, dangling the possibility that something more may occur, all sweet and flirty, thus preventing you from approaching anyone else… then cheerily wishing you a clear good bye at the end of the night in a sudden about face. You’re sitting there feeling like an idiot a full evening and some $100 later (both drinks combined).
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You ARE an idiot. Not LIKE an idiot. Go back to paying for sex. And stop bothering classy people.
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1. It’s not the same as bad credit, no. For many people, bad credit is viewed in a worse light. I know plenty of people who, if they were headed towards a longer-term relationship, would have no qualms about sleeping with someone with an STD, particularly one where they controlled and managed the symptoms. You might not, but that’s just your choice, not some universal truth.
2. I’ll bet you end up disappointed a lot of the time, if you approach dating with such a mercenary attitude. Dating is not venture capitalism, and even those guys accept a degree of risk in their investments.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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Did you really just compare someone having an STD (particularly when they are upfront about their status before getting to the point of possibly spreading it) to a serial killer? Are you out of your mind?
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Trix, I just responded to your email
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I may or may not draw the line at sleeping with someone with an STD, but I’d totally do a chick who beat a family to death with a sack of puppies…
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Jeezus, what a clown. She told OP to continue what she’s doing (communicate responsibly) and leave it up to the man to decide.
I dated a woman with herpes. It wasn’t a big deal to me. It may be to other men, in which case they shouldn’t date women with herpes. I don’t see the point of making a blanket judgement condemning everyone who makes a different choice than you do.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Hardache, I actually agree with you. HSV2 is not like bad credit at all because sleeping with someone with an STD could cause them permanent harm. That said, nobody’s in danger going on a date with me. If it gets to that stage then, they have a choice. Are you honestly saying that I should tell everyone on a first date? Maybe I should get that Scarlet H sewn to my blouse or just move to a leper colony. Having Herpes is embarrasing and personal and is something that I would only tell a trusted friend. If a guy isn’t willing to be freinds before we have sex it probably wont work out. And that is something I feel comfortable telling them on a first date.
As for your friend who gets girls super drunk and then takes them home, that’s irresponsible and dangerous for both of them. Shitfaced and naked is no way to have the sex talk. It would serve him right to get an STD like that. So she was all happy and flirty? That means she had fun and probably would want to go out with him again and hopefully the relationship will go somewhere.. It doesn’t mean that shes leading him on so he’ll buy her stuff.
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P.S. Oops! I said 80%. The figure is 50-80%. And I forgot to include this information/link:
“About 50 percent to 80 percent of the adult population in the United States has oral herpes.”
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HSV-1 Oral herpes and HSV2 genital herpes are not the same thing. HSV2 is a stronger virus that can cause outbreaks much more often. Just saying. At least having oral herpes gives you antibodies that help prevent you from getting HSV2, and then to suppress it if you do end up getting it.
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http://www.herpesclinic.com/genitalherpes/genitalherpesstatistics.htm
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Having found out, about a year ago, that a lady friend gave me HSV-2 I can appreciate this woman’s position. It was a kick in the nuts, right up until I realized what it entailed – nothing much at all. Occasionally (very occasionally), I get a couple of little bumps on my junk – in a few days, they’re gone and so fucking what? I’m not hiding it from partners at all, cause that would be fucked up, but as diseases go, this one is pretty benign.
So, if lovelost (being 20 years younger than me) needs to hook up w/ someone, well, shoot….give her my number. We’ll figure out the details later!
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No I compared NOT telling them till the 3rd date to a serial killer NOT telling you till the 3rd date that he had dangerous tendencies.
Then I followed it up with the clarification that I was being extreme, but it was the closest example I could think of that pointed out potential HARM to the other person. Sorry! Couldn’t think of something that was more equivalent at short notice.
I’m fine with someone with herpes if I were heading into a long term relationship with them. My objection is purely that given it’s a definite show stopper for many people, putting it in your profile upfront is much more appropriate and saves EVERYONE concerned later difficult and heartbreaking times. It also invites the people who don’t mind, because it displays a vast amount of honesty.
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Perhaps if all you want is a piece of ass, you should put THAT in your profile, them women with herpes won’t waste your money.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Thank you Sandy. EXactly!!!!!
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