A recent comment posted in response to this column.
I think that the response was pretty on spot on some things, but also a little bit in denial. Nobody likes an arrogant narcissist. But that’s kind of the problem. The article assumes that “Sarah” is an arrogant narcissist. A ton of assumptions were drawn based on one little question. It’s like, they painted her as this whole character but don’t even know her. It assumes that if any woman is looking for men making that amount of money, she has to be arrogant and shallow. What if she really actually is nice? Even humble? She clearly indicated that she makes a lot already, so why would she need a man for his money? She just needs a man who can handle the fact that SHE makes a lot of money.
Did you ever think that maybe it has nothing to do with the money. I bet she didn’t “initially” want to look for guys that make that much money, but based on her past experiences, she has now come to the sad realization, that men making less money than her have a problem with that. Maybe she thought if she could remove that “issue” off the table, it might be the answer to her problems. I mean, isn’t that the whole reason she has asked for advice? And you basically just told her she is screwed… Gee that was some great advice…
But instead you label and judge her and assume she is running around telling everyone how much money she makes and where she went to school first thing out of her mouth. Gee, I don’t know her, but she must be a crap person because they ask her what she does for a living. WHAT?! That doesn’t even make sense. Most people who become interested in somebody eventually will ask those questions. So are you saying if somebody is interested, they would only want to know about your hobbies, but not want to know what life profession you chose.???
Basically, the response was just filled with a lot of assumptions that actually drill in Sarah’s main problem: That men (and the author) do not feel comfortable around, nor respect successful women and judge them for it.
And I don’t mean to offend, but the harsh reality in this modern world where women are enjoying more successful careers and making money, it is causing men to feel emasculated and resentful. The male ego is very fragile, and surprisingly more so than most men will ever admit. So if a guy suspects that you think he wouldn’t be able to bring home the bacon, they worry that they won’t meet society or your expectations, so they’d rather not even bother to bear that responsibility and go find somebody easier to impress (even if we would be impressed regardless of the amount of bacon brought home).
Women aren’t dumb. We know this, so successful women like Sarah and myself don’t throw it in a man’s face before they even get a chance to know us. But at some point they will eventually find out, and the stereotypes come flooding in and the man gets overrun by all these misguided assumptions that society has drawn. It’s almost like we are facing an uphill battle from the get go to fight these stereotypes that have been strongly ingrained.
I understand where Sarah is coming from. She worked hard to get where she is and although she may not flaunt it, she should feel very proud of her accomplishments. Men flaunt their success and get praised for it, but women must downplay their success at all times or we will be labeled narcissistic arrogant bitches. Maybe some women are, but the majority of us truly aren’t. We just need a man confident to realize that. – LJ
Let’s go back to the original question:
Question: I have been going to singles events for the past year and have found that the men are nice but that most of them are less educated and make less money than I do and that it is an issue for the men. Any recommendations on affordable ways to meet men between the ages of 35-50 in NYC who have a six or seven figure annual income and who want to have a serious relationship?
Let’s do a little deductive reasoning. My first question would be how she knows that her education level and salary are a problem for these men. She doesn’t offer any evidence to support that. I’ll then point out that she says she says she has been going to singles events in the past year and expressing a disappointment in the quality of men she meets there. She didn’t say she dated any of these men. She’s speaking strictly about men she meets at singles events. The subtext of her question is clear: she’s meeting men at singles events and, over the course of what have to be fairly brief conversations, learning what they do, what sort of degree they have and gauges their salary based on that. To reiterate: she is speaking of men she meets at singles events. So I’m genuinely curious how she surmises so quickly that these men are put off by her accomplishments. I’m also curious how she can get even a modicum of a beat on the personalities and character of these men that she meets in such a brief window of time. She’s not, of course. She’s projecting her own biases and insecurities on to the men. You’re welcome.
Conclusion: The issue of money and education are important to her. So much so that she tailors conversations around these subjects so she can discern just where the men fall on her scale. I don’t believe that it’s the problem of the men. I think that’s a convenient way to excuse her own prejudices.
The “he’s just intimidated by you” justification has been around for years, and it was manufactured by women, for women. While I have no doubt such a man exists, it seems odd to me that this one woman appears to meet so many of them.
She clearly indicated that she makes a lot already, so why would she need a man for his money?
Exactly. She makes her own money. So why does it matter whether the man makes 5 figures, 6 figures or 7? Thank you for pointing out the lack of logic in this woman’s question. Yes. Why does how much he makes matter if she makes her own? As long as he can support himself, who cares? Also curious is why this woman, who apparently makes a very good living, is looking for affordable ways to meet men. What? You mean she’s not meeting millionaires at a $35 a pop speeddating event? How strange. Unreasonable expectations, party of one please?
The male ego is very fragile, and surprisingly more so than most men will ever admit. So if a guy suspects that you think he wouldn’t be able to bring home the bacon, they worry that they won’t meet society or your expectations, so they’d rather not even bother to bear that responsibility and go find somebody easier to impress (even if we would be impressed regardless of the amount of bacon brought home).
Now this I agree with.Only you don’t appear to understand why these men bail on these women. These expectations of which you speak are the problem. What the men sense is that the woman will have a problem with their financial situation and bail on them once the smell that stink of entitlement. Men don’t hear, “I’m a lawyer” and then run away. What repels them is if they sense that the woman is doing all sorts of recon work by asking specific questions in hopes of learning the man’s salary. It’s the focus on money that turns men off. Not the fact that she has it.
It’s almost like we are facing an uphill battle from the get go to fight these stereotypes that have been strongly ingrained.
Again, I agree. But who has done the most of that programming? Women. Women are the ones repeating these completely unproven “truths” to other women. If you have any data that supports your theory, please do share. My theory? Women choose a partner that will rival those chosen by and compared to those of other women.
Maybe some women are, but the majority of us truly aren’t.
Oh, I see. So you’re more than happy making broad generalizations about men. But when it comes to stereotyping women, you admit that not all women are guilty of the thing of which they are accused. My vagina says thank you.
The consistent theme I see in comments like this and in the deluded ramblings of this woman is how it’s always the fault of the man that catches like you haven’t been snatched up. There is never a moment of concession or attrition. The other commonality is that women like you are sure to tale your passive aggressive little swipes at other women.
You know. The women who get your men.