Name: Denny Laine
Age: 44
State: New York City
Question: I have a minor question regarding our favorite holiday: Valentine’s Day. I had a great first date last week with someone I met online. She could possibly be “the one” for me. We hit it off on the phone, hit it off in person, and since then we’ve been constantly texting and e-mailing. We made plans to see each other again on Wednesday. I had suggested hanging out Thursday not realizing it was Valentine’s Day. She said Wednesday would be better for her so we agreed. I realize that flowers and love letters and being Valentine’s might be too soon after just one date. But at the same time I want to somehow acknowledge it, that VD is the next day because there’s a good chance we can become a long term couple. I have some ideas. Or should I just let it pass and wait for next year? Any thoughts from anyone?
Ok. You need to slow down, Captain. First, let’s revisit your history a little, shall we?
This question was submitted by you:
http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2011/10/26/is-he-too-nice-thats-why-he-cant-get-a-2nd-date/
And this one:
http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2013/01/12/how-to-tell-if-theyre-a-dating-liability/
And this one:
http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2011/09/28/guest-post-cock-blocked/
And here is a recent comment from you from last month.
Denny, you have only had one date with this woman. It seems like you get ridiculously invested with every woman with whom you have a decent first date. If you asked this woman to get together on Thursday aka Valentine’s Day and she said Wednesday works better, she’s telling you she feels it would be weird for you two to have your second date on Valentine’s Day. Which, sorry to say, is not a good sign. She’s turning down the opportunity to tell people she has a date on Valentine’s Day. Many women live for that shit. So you have to ask yourself why she doesn’t want to get together on Thursday.She either is not on the same page as you or has another date. Neither of which bode well for you. These are the things you need to learn to deduce so that you can gauge where you stand and appropriate expectations.
It’s hard to navigate a situation like this. You don’t want to come off too detached or disinterested, but you also don’t want to give the impression that you might skin a woman and wear her as a suit. Right now, you’re tip toeing in skin her and wear her as a suit territory. You’re already considering V-Day 2014. Sorry, but that’s a little scary.
If she wanted you to acknowledge the upcoming holiday, she’d have accepted the V-Day date. I’m sorry to say this so bluntly (no I’m not) but I’m guessing she’s not as into you as you think. If you push the V-Day idea, this woman will back off. I’m going to speculate that you’re coming on too strong and it’s making her uncomfortable. I’m also going to throw out there that you do this a lot, which is why you have such trouble keeping a woman around. I have told you before that I feel you come off weak and needy. Those are two things that will automatically get you friend zoned and blown off. You need to learn how not to get so attached and invested so quickly. It’s not healthy.
You’ve been out with this person ONCE. You have NO IDEA if there is any substantive long term potential. I think you’re so used to being blown off early that you haven’t had enough experience with the early dating process. What you need to do is detach a bit. Go back online and find someone else and start engaging them. Do anything you can to distract you from thinking about this woman if only to temper what has to be perceived by women as too interested. Do not acknowledge Valentine’s Day in any way other than maybe in passing via a text conversation that day. But don’t start that conversation off with “Happy V-Day!” You’ll send her a text the morning after your date and say, “Hey, had fun last night. How about we meet up on Xday for whatever.” She will either reply and say yes or no. If she says yes, then make plans. Then and only them, as you’re signing off, wish her a Happy Valentine’s Day. You can’t make a big deal of this. You just can’t. If she acts all schmoopy woopy with you on that second date, then maybe you can send her a cute e-card the next day. But that’s it. You should not be spending any money on this or making it into a production.
Denny, the pattern here with you is clear. You get too invested and likely give off a really off putting vibe. You have to become more self-aware and pay more attention to what I can only assume a glaring red flags of moderate interest from these women. You’re pinning all your hopes on every single woman who shows interest. I realize how great it feels to feel like someone is out there thinking about you or that you some how matter to someone. That can be intoxicating, especially if you go a long time without it. But you have to understand that things that are said and done in those early stages are either disingenuous or done without any real thought. People can get caught up, or they like the attention or they’re just otherwise insensitive and thoughtless.
It all means nothing until it means something. Please try to remember that.
Write that one in STONE “It all means NOTHING until it means SOMETHING”. That line truly applies to so many aspects of Life!!!!!!!
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You could suggest something for Valentine’s Day, but don’t push it. Either she will want to do something or she won’t. Perhaps she doesn’t want you to feel obligated to “go through the motions” just because of Valentine’s Day. You will never know unless you ask. Also, you can give her flowers on Wednesday. See how that date goes and then suggest going out on Thursday. Again, don’t force the issue. Make a casual suggestion (“If you are,not doing anything tomorrow/If you don’t have any plans would you like,to…”).
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I’ve just been reminded of why I despise V-day so much. (yes, even when I was happily married ) The expectations for one single day are too many. It’s just lame.
I’ve celebrated it with boyfriends/the ex-hubby, etc, but they all know it’s not a big deal to me. In fact, I was engaged right out of college and the guy proposed on V-day just so “you could acknowledge that it’s not such a sucky day after all.”
Denny, you sound like a great guy, but the neediness really turns most women off. So just do what Moxie said and take it one day at a time, slowly.
Best of luck,
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Or you could just be honest with the woman. Tell her you didn’t realize Thursday was V-Day until after the fact and say something to the effect of going out on Wednesday works better due to not needing a reservation or dealing with crowds if you go anywhere, and then just shut up and let her say whatever she’s going to say in response. For all you know, she could have had a traumatic breakup on V-Day or celebrating her parent’s 50th anniversary that day (my sister got married on V-Day so it does happen).
If you want to acknowledge it with a gift, make a batch of (non V-Day) cookies and give her a few with a ribbon on it (like it came from a bake sale–no wrapping paper or anything). Cooking for one sucks because you usually make enough food for more than one person, but when I (and most other singles I know) make sweets I usually take half to work or give it to neighbors since no single person should eat a whole cake or batch of cookies on their own. After all, the point isn’t to follow V-Day customs just for the sake of doing it, but showing someone you thought of them, right? You’re giving her cookies because you wanted some for yourself, had too many, and thought of her. Don’t make a big deal about it though. The point is to show, not tell.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Steer clear of Valentine’s Day dates early on. Personally, I’ve had bad luck with them when doing first or second dates on the day itself, or on the “weekend of observance.” It’s easy for either party to read more into the date than there is, or to put on rose-tinted glasses for the night and get caught up in the “romance of the moment” which, really, is built on nothing more than expectations and Hallmark traditions. The day is simply too fraught with “import” to give you an accurate read on the other person OR your own feelings. So, I say steer clear of it.
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Thanks for the insights, very helpful. Yeah, I had forgotten it was VD Thursday. I’ll just leave it alone and have fun Wednesday evening. Thanks again!
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Jeez. One date and she’s already “the one”? Denny, man, get a grip. You’re scaring off the ladies.
And just don’t do V-day. Just don’t. Ever.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Now, now; let’s not rush to judge. When people think rationally and logically, then yes, one date is too soon, but people aren’t always logical and rational, especially when it comes to dating. There may be some context we’re missing here that influenced to make such a strong statement.
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It’s always possible that he’s been struck by the Thunderbolt of Love [tm]. But smarter money says he had a good first date and is in danger of acting like an over-eager puppy. We’ve all had first dates where the chemistry was great, but most of us don’t go to “she’s might be the one” right out of the gate and start thinking of plans for V-day next year.
I usually prefer to get beyond the second date at least before making plans for next year…
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You know, I don’t get the comments here sometimes. Some people submit a question, and they’re told they need confidence. This guy is brimming with confidence, and he’s being told he’s wrong for being confident.
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This is not an example of confidence; it’s neediness–the opposite of confidence.
In my experience, I’ve had the most success at dating when, early on, I didn’t care much whether I saw them again. When I get too excited after a first or second date, that seems to turn women off. This is the genesis of rules about how long a guy should wait before contacting a woman about the next date.
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If she likes you, it won’t matter when you contact her.
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So true. And the early bird catches the worm.
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I agree with CR. This is not showing confidence.
Active interest and engagement are fine, but over-eagerness is a tingle-killer. And thinking she “might be the one” after one date is definite over-eagerness.
If she likes you, over-eagerness will often kill those feelings. If she infatuated with you, then it probably doesn’t matter, but that’s rather rare.
Denny may or may not be confident and show confidence, but over-eagerness can sometimes signal desperation, which is why, whether one is confident or not, it should be avoided…
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I used to be really cynical about online dating, so I would have said, absolutely not. But I realized that was not serving me. There needs to be some sort of balance, though. You don’t know anything about the person other than what they are showing you. The chemistry might be there, but there’s a lot more to “the one”. Are they reliable and trustworthy? How are they with their family? How do they handle stressful situations? I think these things are only exposed over time, and a year is a minimum. To get to that point a little faster, I think taking a trip with someone can really simulate some of those things. And I don’t mean a weekend at the beach, more like leaving the country or taking an extended camping trip–where you have to work together to solve “problems”.
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This post is spot-on. I did *exactly* this in my last relationship without even thinking that much about it. I thought going from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds would work in a relationship, but it turns out that this is only good for cars.
Good luck!
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Take the focus off of Valentine’s Day and just have a date. It’s just a day to make florists, Hershey and Hallmark loads of cash.
I was never one to jump the gun on a first date, but 2 1/2 years ago I had a “first” date with my boyfriend, Jonathan. We’re still together and happier than ever. Of course, my situation is not typical. I had to endure first dates with a lot of trolls to find him…but I refused to give up. It’s really all about timing and expectations. Too pushy is a turn off….disinterest is also. You need to find a balance that works for you somewhere in the middle. You’re around the same age as me, so my advice would be if there are red flags, put on your trainers and RUN.
Good luck.
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To answer the title’s question: yes, they can, after just one date.
I mean not in Denny’s case at all, but generally speaking it does happen that just after one date you feel so extremely infatuated. Now of course infatuation means nothing until it means something (to paraphrase Moxie) and many times, it doesn’t take the two people anywhere but sometimes it does.
It had happened to me once (and I was about 26 and they guy in question 35 or 36) that I felt that he might be the one after one date. Although he was not the one I married – we were heading in that direction until we didn;t of course.
So while it’s extremely rare (once you’re past the age of innocence and had had many romantic experiences and are able to tell simple lust from something bigger), it’s possible. Although feeling that way per se does not guarantee that this person is actually going to be “The One.”
While I didn’t feel that “”the one” thing as strongly with my husband during our first date, it came to us after a few dates and that was why we were engaged a few months later and married a few more months later.
But in case with the OP, as it was advised to him by others, he really needs to slow down, and it’s likely that for him if there is a woman he likes and she goes on a date with him, he automatically thinks she might be “the one” – a circumstance and a personality not to be confused with what I wrote above.
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It didn’t happen to you. You felt he was the “one” very quickly but then it turned out… later… he wasn’t. That proves Moxie’s point. It wasn’t magic, it was just another garden variety failed relationship.
I won a million dollars in the lottery once. Well, I thought I was going to win when I bought the ticket and got really excited about it. Like REALLY excited. Turns out I didn’t actually win. But, I still won!
Sound crazy? That’s basically what you said. The perpetuation of this fantasy is itself the problem.
No, it is not possible after one date.
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Well, I failed that relationship due to some immaturity, although I felt all along that he was the one. Later on, when he and I talked about it (long after the breakup), he confirmed that was how he felt , too (something he said throughout the time we were together). Actually he asked if we could try again because he hadn’t found what we had again after we broke up but by then I was dating my now husband and , although on some level I still had it for the original guy, I didn’t go for it . He was on the back of my mind and probably still is, and judging from some of our old limited communication, he feels similar. So yes, as I said before, it was pretty real and we were talking about future together, marriage, etc. And like I said, it was once in my life like that and I can tell infatuation from infatuation+compatibility where the latter might very well be the instance of “the one”.
Besides, as I said before, feeling that someone is “the one” after a first date doesn’t actually register with you in that form, what you do know is that the person has taken your breath away. It might or it might not grow into anything special. And you know, you don’t have to actually marry someone for them to register as “the one” in your mind. And I am saying this as a pretty mature married young woman.
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To add to my previous post: for a, emotionally mature person with enough dating/personal life experience, feeling like the other person might be “The One” requires Chemistry/ Mutual Nearly Instant Attraction and easily discernable common traits, preferences, life goals, interests, etc. If only the former of the two components is present, it’s called sexual attraction and nothing more, and it does not signify “the one” instance in any shape or form. If the commonalities aspect is present, it signifies that the two will either become friends or (most likely) never go out on a date again.
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To answer the question, Yes, it is possible. Not likely, but possible.
I’m an admitted incurable romantic and general sap on topics like this, so I’m probably overly optimistic. I do think sometimes you just….know. Sorry Moxie, I know you are probably rolling your eyes
I completely get where everyone else is coming from….life as an adult makes us more cynical, and it can be very easy to freak the other party out. Better to go slow and keep it to yourself.
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I agree with Moxie’s advice on this one. Do NOT make a big deal out of VDay. I might go a little farther than she suggests, but in doing so, I would make it CLEAR that whatever I was doing, and it would be something small, would only be to acknowledge what day it is and that you felt the need to do something. Whatever though.
I do want to address one other thing though: the title of this post. I think a lot of people [read: women] believe that someone can in fact be the one after just one date. In fact, I think a lot take it a step further and believe that if someone is the One, they will know it after just one date. On the flip side of that though, they believe if you go out with someone once and dont have that amazing feeling about them then it means they are not the One. Beliefs like this are BS and what a lot of people are single. Dont put such high expectations on someone. I walk into all my first dates with no expectations, other than that she show up and resemble, in appearance and personality, the person I was led to believe she is. My longest relationship was with someone I had no opinion of one way or the other who I was giving a chance. Obviously we had a good time together and it worked out. OK, Im getting off my soapbox.
Moxie, one question for you. You said ” You’re pinning all your hopes on every single woman who shows interest.” Well, of course he is! Who else is he supposed to pin his hopes on? The women who dont show any interest? What are you getting at?
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I have to say to the blogger that he/she is being really harsh on Denny here. If someone doesn’t want to have date number two (no pun
) on Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean that she isn’t in to him, it just means that perhaps having date number two on Valentine’s Day could be committing to something and doesn’t want to create that expectation. To be honest, who would want to commit to that even if you did have a good date? I certainly wouldn’t.
Also, people can hide behind monikers and reveal more hopes and aspirations behind the anonymity of life online, thus saying things like ‘she could be the one’ is probably something that occurs in everyone’s minds when they have a good date. Perhaps Denny is just revealing those hopes rather than being so intense in real life (I hope).
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If someone doesn’t want to have date number two (no pun
) on Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean that she isn’t in to him, it just means that perhaps having date number two on Valentine’s Day could be committing to something and doesn’t want to create that expectation.
Right. Since he’s already saying she could be the one and is thinking about next year with her, after one date, doesn’t that say that these two aren’t on the same page?
To be honest, who would want to commit to that even if you did have a good date? I certainly wouldn’t.
I don’t believe that. Sorry. If you met someone you really liked – really liked – and they asked you out on V-day, you’d go. Most people would.
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I had to re-read that last line of what Denny posted and you are correct. It sounds like his Achilles Heel is being really over-eager and anxious rather than ‘too nice’. I think that perhaps a time of looking in the mirror (not literally) would go some way to helping him because even on the previous links, he continues to fall into the same predictable traps that he sets for himself.
I can’t believe that most people would want a second date on Valentine’s Day. For me, even if I really liked the person (after one date, it would really require some serious soul-mating…can one actually establish this from a couple of hours with someone?), that really is complicating things with unspoken promise. I’d rather not have the outside distraction of expectation come into play. It would be a very tricky situation trying to dance around the issue, however.
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