Name: Denny Laine
State: New York City
Question: I have a minor question regarding our favorite holiday: Valentine’s Day. I had a great first date last week with someone I met online. She could possibly be “the one” for me. We hit it off on the phone, hit it off in person, and since then we’ve been constantly texting and e-mailing. We made plans to see each other again on Wednesday. I had suggested hanging out Thursday not realizing it was Valentine’s Day. She said Wednesday would be better for her so we agreed. I realize that flowers and love letters and being Valentine’s might be too soon after just one date. But at the same time I want to somehow acknowledge it, that VD is the next day because there’s a good chance we can become a long term couple. I have some ideas. Or should I just let it pass and wait for next year? Any thoughts from anyone?
Ok. You need to slow down, Captain. First, let’s revisit your history a little, shall we?
This question was submitted by you:
And this one:
And this one:
And here is a recent comment from you from last month.
Denny, you have only had one date with this woman. It seems like you get ridiculously invested with every woman with whom you have a decent first date. If you asked this woman to get together on Thursday aka Valentine’s Day and she said Wednesday works better, she’s telling you she feels it would be weird for you two to have your second date on Valentine’s Day. Which, sorry to say, is not a good sign. She’s turning down the opportunity to tell people she has a date on Valentine’s Day. Many women live for that shit. So you have to ask yourself why she doesn’t want to get together on Thursday.She either is not on the same page as you or has another date. Neither of which bode well for you. These are the things you need to learn to deduce so that you can gauge where you stand and appropriate expectations.
It’s hard to navigate a situation like this. You don’t want to come off too detached or disinterested, but you also don’t want to give the impression that you might skin a woman and wear her as a suit. Right now, you’re tip toeing in skin her and wear her as a suit territory. You’re already considering V-Day 2014. Sorry, but that’s a little scary.
If she wanted you to acknowledge the upcoming holiday, she’d have accepted the V-Day date. I’m sorry to say this so bluntly (no I’m not) but I’m guessing she’s not as into you as you think. If you push the V-Day idea, this woman will back off. I’m going to speculate that you’re coming on too strong and it’s making her uncomfortable. I’m also going to throw out there that you do this a lot, which is why you have such trouble keeping a woman around. I have told you before that I feel you come off weak and needy. Those are two things that will automatically get you friend zoned and blown off. You need to learn how not to get so attached and invested so quickly. It’s not healthy.
You’ve been out with this person ONCE. You have NO IDEA if there is any substantive long term potential. I think you’re so used to being blown off early that you haven’t had enough experience with the early dating process. What you need to do is detach a bit. Go back online and find someone else and start engaging them. Do anything you can to distract you from thinking about this woman if only to temper what has to be perceived by women as too interested. Do not acknowledge Valentine’s Day in any way other than maybe in passing via a text conversation that day. But don’t start that conversation off with “Happy V-Day!” You’ll send her a text the morning after your date and say, “Hey, had fun last night. How about we meet up on Xday for whatever.” She will either reply and say yes or no. If she says yes, then make plans. Then and only them, as you’re signing off, wish her a Happy Valentine’s Day. You can’t make a big deal of this. You just can’t. If she acts all schmoopy woopy with you on that second date, then maybe you can send her a cute e-card the next day. But that’s it. You should not be spending any money on this or making it into a production.
Denny, the pattern here with you is clear. You get too invested and likely give off a really off putting vibe. You have to become more self-aware and pay more attention to what I can only assume a glaring red flags of moderate interest from these women. You’re pinning all your hopes on every single woman who shows interest. I realize how great it feels to feel like someone is out there thinking about you or that you some how matter to someone. That can be intoxicating, especially if you go a long time without it. But you have to understand that things that are said and done in those early stages are either disingenuous or done without any real thought. People can get caught up, or they like the attention or they’re just otherwise insensitive and thoughtless.
It all means nothing until it means something. Please try to remember that.