Name: Shelly
Age: 24
State:
Question: I began dating this guy two weeks ago, but we didn’t establish we were exclusively dating until last week. The day before we were exclusive I messed up and had sex with my ex boyfriend and told the guy I am dating now. He feels really hurt, because he thought that we were exclusive. Although, I considered we were dating, I hadn’t made the emotional commitment in my head 100%. Am I in the wrong?
Technically, you did nothing wrong.
Technically.
You didn’t cheat on the guy you’re dating. But if it were me, I’d be wondering why – if I was into a guy enough to go exclusive after 2 weeks – I would even want to have sex with someone else? Everybody is different when it comes to things like this. For me, when I’m into someone else, really into them, regardless of whether we’re exclusive, I just don’t have the desire to be with anyone else.
Your guy has a right to be hurt. Nobody should have to feel like they have to justify how a situation or revelation affects them. We feel what we feel. Nobody can dictate that for us. He’s hurt for two reasons. One, because you told him, which was rather thoughtless and insensitive. Two, because you slept with someone else. Those are two actions that tell me that maybe you’re not as into this guy as you claim to be. That’s not an accusation. Just an observation. What I hear are instances of self-sabotage and possible lack of interest.
The lure of commitment is really strong to many men and women. We like the idea of it. There’s a sense of security that comes from it. The challenge is putting this idea into practice. For me, emotional commitment takes longer than 2 weeks to develop. I place far more importance on emotional monogamy than I do on sexual monogamy because attraction is often times instant and unquestionable. True emotional intimacy takes time to develop. Committing to someone after two weeks seems sort of impulsive, given the specifics of this situation.
I don’t understand how, 24 hours before you agree to commit to someone, you weren’t 100% ready to become exclusive. Did the sex with your Ex push you over the line into the 100% Zone? How were you able to be in a head space to sleep with someone other than the guy you’re dating and then, a day later, turn around and say you were ready to swear off all other options?
I guess there’s the possibility that you needed to get something out of your system. That seems plausible, if not completely immature. The idea that we need to exorcise ghosts from our pasts and erase people from some bucket list before we settle into something exclusive is someone else sounds healthy. But it’s not. Thinking that way just indicates that you fear you might be missing out on something and will only agree to commit once you know the other options won’t come through.
As for telling this guy what you did, you really have to ask yourself why you did that. There was just no need. Plus, if you really cared about that guy and you knew the night with your ex was a one time thing and you could skate by under a technicality, you would have instinctively been looking to protect his feelings and would have lied. That that instinct didn’t kick in should tell you something about how you feel about this man and the situation.
I’ve said this countless times: 100% honesty, 100% of the time does not belong in a relationship. Diplomacy is what matters.
Why did she even tell her now boyfriend? She should have kept her trap shut, as revealing this information is not going to make him happy.
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“Am I in the wrong?”
Do you really need to ask this? You hurt someone’s feelings. Did you really expect that he would not be upset? Why would you be so thoughtless? And now you want someone to say you really didn’t do anything wrong? Fine. You didn’t do anything wrong.
I am not sure why at this point this guy would still want to commit to you. You slept with your ex and announced. And now youI bet you want points for being honest.
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To err is human, to forgive is divine. The problem is that divinity is really hard to find within us. You hurt the guy, plain and simple. Of course you did something wrong. Just flip the script. If he slept with his old girlfriend the day before you decided to go steady, you would be pissed off upon hearing him tell you.
Let’s rewind. You don’t decide to go steady with someone, the day after having slept with someone else. You wait at least another two weeks and see what is really going on with you, maybe even a month. You sound very impulsive. You may want to start thinking things through a bit before you do them. You are no longer in high school. This is grown up life now.
And tell me why I feel you are not telling us the whole story. Maybe you slept with the new guy the next day or soon after. Then you decided to go steady with him to prove to yourself that you are not a slut. Listen honey, there is nothing worse than trying to justify foolishness with more foolishness.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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But if it were me, I’d be wondering why – if I was into a guy enough to go exclusive after 2 weeks – I would even want to have sex with someone else?
Regardless of my relationship status, every single day I see at least 3 girls I’d like to have sex with. Doesn’t mean I act on it but the desire is there.
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1. Are you over your ex?
2. Do you like new guy enough to be exclusive?
3. Did new guy make it clear that he wanted to be exclusive or were you second guessing him?
Ask yourself those questions, in that order then get back to us.
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I agree with Moxie that the OP shouldn’t have said anything after her tryst with the ex. And she may be right that the OP isn’t prepared to commit in her heart of hearts.
But as for whether the OP is in the wrong—the flip side of which is “Does her new boyfriend have the right to feel hurt?”—I think some of the commenters are being too harsh on the OP, unless I’m misunderstanding her letter.
As I’ve learned from this blog, you can’t assume anything (whether it’s exclusivity, commitment, level of sluttiness, whatever) just because you had sex/great chemistry/romantic dates with someone. So it seems clear-cut to me: until the day the OP and her new guy agreed to become exclusive, they weren’t, and it’s presumptuous of him to guilt her about her “pre-exclusivity” choices.
Here’s a post that touched on this issue, among others: http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2011/09/27/do-you-trade-sex-for-exclusivity/
and here are comment-excerpts from it that express what I mean:
“In other words, you aren’t exclusive until you talk about being exclusive. Being non-exclusive is the default.”
“Why… should it cause a problem if he slept with his FWB before we were exclusive? … I certainly don’t have any heartburn about this scenario if it happened. It would have been totally fair and well within the boundaries of what I see as ‘the rules.’ ”
On a different note: is it possible to get a more mobile-friendly interface for this site? It’s not a big deal, but would probably help a lot of us out. Thanks!
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All good thoughts here. And yes, it’s slightly more complicated than a typical ‘minor traffic violation’. Although sketched in minimal detail, essentially truly diplomacy is your guide here and 100% honesty is not only destructive, but tantamount to playing games here. If you don’t want to pick just one yet, Don’t.
Again, If you’re seemingly not ready to ‘go steady’, just Don’t. If you’re not quite over your Ex yet? Please don’t jump into something or someone else just to have ‘something to fall back on’ or a reliable sex partner. While that might seem wholly ‘understandable’ at certain ages perhaps? You should not go around making commitments or indeed ‘mouthing’ them not quite believing in them if you’re still out there ‘testing the waters’.
That’s one of the interpretations that might apply here. You’re just not ready for any sort of real commitment, and you want some sort of mental ‘dispensation’ for your actions, past and in the future when you might be ‘overcome’ by the ‘urge to wander’. We all face temptations. Some of us are old enough that we might not be able to act on many of them, for any number of good and decent reasons.
But Moxie’s right on in this scenario. Reread the last 2 paragraphs from her up there, and learn from it. This is not quite akin to a simple ‘rolling/’Jersey stop at a traffic light or stop sign. It’s a sure sign of some immaturity, uncertainty or simple coquettish juvenile game playing. For 24, that might be expected. But much beyond oh say 25? It begins to look very manipulative and highly and inappropriately juvenile. It’ll serve no one well, and we all need to learn to do better. That may sound a bit harsh. It’s not the end of the world, but not very auspicious for expectations of adult behavior here either. Cheers, ‘VJ’
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Inclined to agree with most of what Moxie and others have pointed out, as well as the reasons behind the comments.
Sure you two were not exclusive in the technical sense. But to sleep with an ex the day before….Hmmm.
Basically, it’s called judgement – and how you exercise it. Or in some instances don’t. You didn’t.
To your credit you do feel lousy about it. But put yourself in the new guys shoes. What would you be thinking. What would you be feeling? If you are honest with yourself it shouldn’t be much of a question to answer.
Maybe this can be repaired, Maybe not. Personally, I doubt it, but you never know. So if things do proceed, then don’t be surprised if he expects you to walk the straight and narrow from that point forward. So if you do engage in anything that might call into question a fundamental question of trust you could easily see him bail.
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It also seems like she did not even think of the new guy before sleeping with the ex. I get the sense that how he would feel about this did not cross her mind. She started thinking of him after the fact. If I was the new guy, that is what I would be down about and have me rethinking the whole relationship.
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It’s interesting that everyone here is harping on her sleeping with the ex. I think that is fine. You hadn’t made a commitment to the new guy yet, and he hadn’t even asked you for a commitment yet as far as I can tell. I don’t see how you could know if he’d be making a commitment the next day, the next month, or never.
My issue is with your decision to tell him about your ex. Why did you do that? Did your new guy grill you or did you just feel the need to burden him with that obviously unpleasant news? Diplomacy. Keep it to yourself. If asked, answer in a nonspecific manner.
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The way I look at it…you can sleep with whoever you want to until you have an “exclusivity talk” with your partner. I consider all dating to be casual until then. At that point, the guy goes from being “someone I’m dating” to my “boyfriend.”
That said…I wouldn’t consider ANYONE my boyfriend after two weeks. At two weeks, the guy is still a stranger. You don’t know ANYTHING about him, other than what you learned from spending a small amount of time with him. If you are spending every single minute with him immediately, that’s a red flag right there…why would you jump into something so quickly? And if you’ve only spent a few evenings or days with someone, how can you know them well enough to commit to him?
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Shelly. You are WRONG. You messed up. How would you feel if he did that to you? Not everyone is meant to be an emotional pinata. Starting that early shows you are not mature enough for a relationship. You commit to the idea of dating someone, you can go without sex with the ex. If that guy has any shred of dignity, he would never speak to you again. It’s like burning ants with a magnifying glass. it’s not necessary and it’s cruel.
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