Name: Marie
Age: 45
State: Florida
Question: ok, so I met this wonderful man. His eye contact and body language all showed me he was sincere in everything he talked about. He seems so caring, loving, giving, just the right guy for me all around. My question is he asked me if I would like to go out of town for a few days? We had one date and talked and texted a lot the past few days. Normally I would so no way…I do not even know this man… but I know some people will meet each other for the first time out of town and spend a weekend together. I feel comfortable but am I jumping too fast and possibly putting myself in harms way? I don’t feel like it, but family have told me he could be a bad person and I should not do it. I have dated many men and he is the first real genuine nice and good man I have met where I saw these traits right away… Any thoughts? Thank you !
For me, there are two issues here. The first is how blown away you are by this guy based his non-verbal cues. While I am a big believer in the importance of reading body language and paying attention to various cues, none of those things actually prove anything. In fact, I think there are a lot of men and women out there who know exactly how to present themselves so that they seem more sincere and convincing. We all learn how to navigate situations in a way to get what we want. It’s not difficult to learn these things. Since you don’t know this guy really at all, you don’t have a baseline that can be used for comparison purposes.
Should you take him up on his offer to go away for a weekend? I really don’t know. Yesterday, in the comments of another thread, the issue of whether or not someone would accept a 2nd date on Valentine’s Day came up. A couple of people insisted that they would not do that. Much like the “I’ll only go down on woman if she freshly showered and shaved” admission, I find such declarations to be a tell. As I said in response to a tweet yesterday asking who accepts a first date on Valentine’s Day, someone who would is someone who doesn’t over-analyze everything. People who swear up and down that they would “never” do certain things like that are actually revealing that they’ve probably never been presented with the opportunity to do so or have their own issues that would prevent them from being so daring. If you met someone you really liked and they asked you for a first or second date on Valentine’s Day, most people would go. Please. The people who say that it’s too much pressure, might set false expectations, etc are making excuses. If you really liked them, you’d go.
Same goes for this request of taking a trip with this guy. People are going to give you all kinds of reasons that you shouldn’t. Personally, I’m not sure that it’s the best of ideas. Traveling with someone – anyone – can be stressful. I’m not sure that you and this man have established the kind of rapport necessary for you to go into this relatively confident that you and he will not have any problems. As for the security concern, that’s valid too. I think it’s unlikely that he’ll chop your hands off and stick you in a freezer, but it’s still something you should consider. Just like people should consider meeting people from online dating sites in a public place for the first date. Caution is good. Just don’t let it rule you.
You say that this is the first guy that you’ve met who has shown you all these traits right away. That, for me, is the big red flag. What does it tell you that “all” the other men you’ve met have not acted this way? It tells me that either you have not so great judgment in men (as witnessed in this post) OR that this guy is being insincere. The fact that these experiences you have seem to fall on the extreme ends of the spectrum is what concerns me. You seem rather hungry for a genuine connection. I think that might be clouding your judgment.
I think you might be so used to dealing with guys who are unavailable that you jump at the first guy who is available. Neither is really all that smart. I’d want to know why this guy was so eager and available. Look, I’m the bee’s knees. But even I would immediately be suspect of someone who seemed this interested, this quickly. I’d want to know why he was so available. That would be the reason why I would hold off on that trip for now. I think you need to get to know this guy a bit and get a baseline read on him before you make snap judgments.
wow. Going away for a weekend so soon? I don’t even let a man into my apt. on the 1st or second date. Why should I? 1) he’s pretty much a stranger on the 1st date, just getting to know who he is “personality” wise…sure, I may know his name and have an idea of what his occupation is and his age, and 2) I can only go by on what he tells me and wants me to know. Sure after a few dates, I should be the one to allow someone into my home–rather than be asked. Find it so rude for a man to impose that way. Much less go away with someone. But that’s me. Hungry for a connection or not…why move at such warped speed? now if you were travelling with friends, and he was going there as well….sure meet up at some cafe, get together to do sightseeing, etc., I have met men on vacation–and they were nice, we went out solo or in a group. But I had my own hotel accommodations. The Valentine’s Day question is silly–if 2 people naturally like each other, and don’t read into every little move, they will go out – and take it at face value, just enjoy each other’s time, and not make it such a monumental moment. It’s just another day.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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At age 45, truthfully I think you should live a little. What is the worst that could happen? He turns out to be a bore on the trip – fine, cut it short and drive yourself home a day early. He breaks your heart 2 months down the road – this is not going to be your first heartbreak or the last: you will live. After a certain age, meeting someone you like becomes a rare event. Just enjoy it for while it lasts. Investing too much neurosis and analysis into it may be counterproductive.
(The chances that this guy could turn out to be a serial killer is low enough that you have to be somewhat paranoid to actually let that stop you. Let your friends and family know precisely where you are if that remote chance is bugging you.)
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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If her mindset is “wow, how spontaneous! What a fun adventure this would be!” then I agree. If she wants to believe the trip automatically means they’re planting the seeds of a relationship that could really go somewhere, then I think she should dial it way the hell down. We all need hope to get buy, but too much of it without a lot of facts to ground it can be dangerous. One shoudl treat hope like a controlled substance.
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Again, there’s too little information to say whether the weekend trip would be a good idea. In most circumstances, I would say don’t do it. As Marie says, she does not even really know this man. He could be a sincere gentleman or his character could change entirely when he has you alone.
What’s the rush? If he is sincere, then not going on this trip shouldn’t matter, you’ll see him when he gets back. If the ardor cools that quickly anyway, then it was never real to begin with. Marie says that normally she wouldn’t consider it, but then starts trying to find reasons to talk herself into it. Instead of asking should she go or not go, she should be asking herself why she’s trying to talk herself into going away with him for two days after only one date. What’s the rush?
Of course, a lot would depend on where you would be going, where you would be staying (separate rooms?), and what you would be doing.
A nice resort on the beach with good restaurants and lounging by the pool would be preferable to a backwoods cabin next to an crocodile-infested bayou. Just sayin’…
Hot debate. What do you think?
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>Just like people should consider meeting people from online dating sites in a public place for the first date. Caution is good. Just don’t let it rule you.<
Yeah. That question I mentioned from another blog, where the guy and gal couldn't agree on who should travel to whom and she had all these conditions and the guy got fed up and called it off? One of her conditions was to have a male friend accompany her to meet him. Um, WTF? Who would even think to do that? Of course the guy got fed up with her ass.
Yeah, caution is good, particularly for women, but it seems like the ones Googling their dates on serialkiller.com or whatever are the ones who are panicky precisely because they overlook basic common sense (like, maybe meet the guy at a Starbuck's or something rather than have some dudebro friend of yours glowering at him).
As for the OP, I'd say don't go on the trip since she seems in danger of getting attached too quickly and reading into things. I do like India's answer, but I think it only applies if the OP can adopt a detached, "fine if I see him again, fine if I don't" attitude.
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if a woman is that “panicky” and skeptical–just don’t bother going then. Why go – if you are not going to let your guard down and truly enjoy your time. I think it’s absurd to go to a site such as serialkiller.com, even googling someone can take the fun out of discovering who they are – naturally.
Just meet in public. To have to bring another man on a date is childish and over the top. Not necessary.
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That you ask the question, is enough reason not to go. However give him something to hang onto. Maybe make a suggestion of something you could do together, your treat. Or suggest some date in the future where you could go with him.
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Agreed. A rejection with no counteroffer will certainly take some of the wind out of his sails on this relationship. If you decide not to go make sure you thank him for the offer and propose a specific time to get together in the future.
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A rejection with no counteroffer will certainly take some of the wind out of his sails on this relationship.
I’d point out that a counteroffer is good strategy for any instance where a woman is interested but has to decline a specific invitation. That way, it’s not really a rejection.
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The context of this all makes a huge difference. Is this guy a friend or friend of friends? Is there an actual thing that you both really want to go do, like a festival or show? Is this just a random guy that you just met asking you to go have sex with him? If you really want to go, go for it. Live a little! But listen to your intuition, be safe and make it clear before you go that you are going as friends getting to know each other. Leave yourself a way out in case you need some space or want to head home early.
If you arent sure about this all, suggest a better plan, one with less pressure.
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I am skeptical as well of the whole thing. What’s the big rush? Don’t be so naive. There are people out there who are very good at reading a person and showing you what you want to see. Why such a big effort in so little time? What is he overcompensating for?
But if you do choose to say yes, get separate hotel rooms. And tell him upfront that you require that for this trip as you are still new to each other. Also – have separate rental cars, pay for everything separately – including the booking of the trip itself. This is a virtual stranger. The whole “put it on your credit card and I’ll give you the money” among friends does not apply here. He hasn’t proven that he’s trustworthy. Don’t go anywhere that you can’t drive home in a reasonable amount of time. And for goodness’ sake – whatever you do, don’t leave the country.
It sounds as if you may be new to dating after a long time, based on both this post and the other one, and it also sounds as if you have issues with impulse control. Slow it down. Take the time to stop, think, and evaluate your actions instead of being caught up in “the moment.” These moments are rarely as special as they seem at the time. It is time that you start using common sense while dating and stop taking everything at face value, or you will be ripe prey for every loser out there. Anyhow, I wish you well.
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I agree, I very much got a wide-eyed, “new to dating” vibe from the OP as well. That’s why I’m skeptical of the well-loved “how often do you meet someone you really like?” comment. Um, all the time if you ignore critical thinking and only see what you wanna see.
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What’s the rush? If this trip is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see all four Beatles play together once again (yes, after several have been resurrected from the dead) and you have no one else to go with, then by all means go and have the time of your life. But after one date, some texts, and some good body language cues, what’s the rush? If it turns out to be something serious, you have lots of time to travel with him.
And perhaps I’m old-fashioned here, but if the guy really cared about you and was interested in more than sex, he would offer to get you your own hotel room wherever you’re going. My husband and I did long-distance when we first met (I lived in NYC, he lived in DC, and we had met in a third city) and he got his own hotel room the first time he came to visit me so that I wouldn’t feel obligated to have him stay at my place if I wasn’t comfortable with that. We ended up having a fantastic weekend and I had him stay with me anyway, but I always felt like I had other options and wasn’t trapped into hosting him in case he was a loser.
Best of luck, but overall it seems a tad early to be making such broad assumptions about how wonderful a guy is based on some eye contact.
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Why after one date would a guy ask you to go away with them? If you are looking for a hookup, then go but proceed with caution. You only met once and you don’t know him yet regardless of all the communication. If you are not planning on sleeping with him, just hold off on the trip and say no thanks. If he was genuinely interested in a relationship he would have held off on the invite so as not to scare you away.
I have a friend who met someone online, hit it off and went away together after only two weeks. He was constantly rushing this relationship and getting very serious very fast…and she was swept away in the excitement. After the trip she discovered he has a huge anger management problem, has a restraining order against him from his ex, and now is stalking my friend after she decided dating him was a mistake. He was the bees knees for the first month, the perfect guy. The point is take your time and get to know him. The “live a little” mentality does not have to mean packing your stuff and traveling far away with someone you know so little about.
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>After the trip she discovered he has a huge anger management problem<
Huh. The guy I dated who came on really strong at first also had anger management problems. Not to go off on a tangent or make it All About Me, I just wonder if those traits often go hand in hand. As if they feel like they're essentially pulling a fast one on you by getting you to commit while they can still manage to muster up their "best behavior." Then once the "winning you" phase is over, they pull the Jekyll and Hyde shit. "Oh, but we're in a relationship now, so now we can relax and be ourselves."
Anyway: Moving too fast is a red flag for a reason.
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Yes, moving quickly is a classic trait of batterers, as well as getting annoyed or ranting about the daily trials and tribulations of life.
Here’s a few more:
http://www.here-to-listen.com/domestic-violence.html
I’m not saying BAIL everytime you see one of these personality traits – But, I see it as a sign to slow things down and get out if you feel uncomfortable for other reasons, too.
That being said, OP, I think I might go on a trip with this guy if I felt like it. But, I’d only go if I was sure I wouldn’t mind sleeping with this gentleman. And with a credit card, ID, and escape plan in mind just in case things got uncomfortable. I also wouldn’t get wasted (a few drinks are fine – but not so much that you couldn’t easily get out of the room and get yourself a cab in 10 seconds flat if you had to).
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Sheesh, I would say BAIL if you notice any of the things from that link – cruelty to animals? Blaming others for their feelings? Forcing sex? (I suppose one or two of those things, like jealousy or controlling tendencies, *might* be things that can be worked on and talked through. Obviously owning these behaviors in the first place is key).
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Is a guy sincere?
How do you know?
As far as I know there is only one way to really know…. Time.
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