How Long Is Too Long To Make a Guy Wait For Sex?

Name: Danielle
Age: 26
State: Florida
Question: Hi,

I’m a little confused about a guy’s behavior and would love another opinion. We met via an online dating website last May. I had recently ended a relationship of 9 months and really wasn’t looking to start dating again. However, when this guy asked me to grab coffee I thought, why not? I always like to meet new people. Towards the end of my previous relationship I had made a list of must haves because I had realized that recent people I was seeing were not good for my happiness in a relationship or didn’t have long term potential. Basically I wanted to raise the bar. After chatting with this guy for a few hours I realized that based on things he was saying (goals, plans, family) he was the first person I had ever gone out with that hit all the criteria. However, I was still skeptical because I didn’t want to have a rebound relationship or jump into things too fast. He told me on our second date that I was everything on his “list” and asked me on the third date if it was too soon to ask me to be his girlfriend. I said yes and he non-chalantly said that he would ask me again in the future. Long story short, we started dating and he was the epitome of a gentleman (walking on the outside of the street, holding doors, refusing to let me pay even though I wanted to). He was very sweet, a great listener, etc. He didn’t have a car at the time because it was being shipped from his previous residence a few states away so I drove us places and was perfectly fine with that. One day at brunch he was teasing me about something and I jokingly said that I should just leave him there. Later in the day his attitude kind of changed and he told me that it upset him that I said that (apparently I had made a similar joke another time) because he really didn’t feel like he could date the way he wanted to without a car. I assured him that it didn’t bother me that I was driving us around, but it still upset him. I’m guessing he felt emasculated. Well he started getting flaky and disappeared on me after another 2 weeks. We had been going on 2-3 dates a week for 6 weeks before this happened. Notably, we did not sleep together while dating because I wanted to be sure. The only time we came close was the night before the brunch incident and he didn’t have a condom so it was a no go.

Fast forward to September, he reached out to me again to see how I was. I initially ignored him because despite the length of our “relationship” I had gotten pretty attached to him over the summer and was hurt when he disappeared with no explanation. He kept in touch, saying he wanted to hang out which we eventually did in December. I was very skeptical about the whole thing because he was still being kind of flaky. The first thing he said when we met up was that he was sorry for being a jerk over the summer and I didn’t deserve it. I told him I appreciated the apology and we watched a movie at my place. Since January we’ve hung out once a week, either going to a movie, meeting up at a bar, dinner, playing tennis, etc. Since we started hanging out again, he hugs me and kisses me on the cheek, but there’s been no moves to go further.  Two weeks ago, he and a friend showed up at a club that I mentioned my friends and I would be at. His friend got bored so they went somewhere else and then came back towards the end of the night. He gave me his jacket and they walked me to my car. He hugged me for a pretty long time and then kissed the corner of my mouth saying he’d call me later. I haven’t heard from him since. My instincts say that I should just let this thing go. I would only want to start something with him if he can be consistent which he isn’t doing. Just wanted to get your thoughts about why he would show up again and then disappear.

Thanks!
Danielle

 

As I’ve always said, when someone is in a rush to commit there is typically a reason. Combine that with the fact that this guy endured a dozen plus dates with no sex and committed to you without having sex and I’m sure you’ll agree that something is off here.   You two may have hit it off as friends, but to be honest I don’t really sense that you two had much more than that. This was reminiscent of relationships we had in high school.

The no condom excuse is bullshit. There’s a CVS’/Duane Reade/Walmart/Bodega on every couple of blocks pretty much everywhere. If you wanted to have sex you would have gone and gotten some. Or you would have had them on hand. Or..shocker…you’d have done it anyway. Oh yes ,I know, that’s just for sluts. People who cry “no condom!” are people who never had intention of having sex in the first place.

There is the possibility that he just got tired of waiting for you to be ready to have sex. Maybe he didn’t appreciate the comment about leaving him at the brunch spot because he felt like he had been really respectful and patient and you didn’t seem to notice or appreciate that. I’m speculating,of course. I don’t have enough info to say for sure that this is the case. Whatever the reason may be, I think he was already on the defensive.  I agree that he probably felt emasculated to some degree, but the lack of sex definitely contributed to that.

It’s important to realize that a lot of men in a dating situation such as yours see sex as a gesture of attraction and appreciation. I’m guessing he disappeared because there was still no sex, and he was confused as to what exactly it is that you wanted. That and he sounds immature and maybe even inexperienced when it comes to relationships.

If you really want to know what happened then you should ask him. It sounds like the two of you have certain narratives in your head but neither of you expressed those narratives or intentions.

 

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88 Responses to “How Long Is Too Long To Make a Guy Wait For Sex?”

  1. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “Notably, we did not sleep together while dating because I wanted to be sure.”

    Yeah, talk about burying the lead. So, you met a guy that ticked off all your boxes, in every possible way. So, you can pretty much assume that Mr. Perfect is ticking off boxes for other women too and is in high demand. By definition, that “high bar” you supposedly set for yourself means you’re going to meet guys that have options, and that means you will have to up your game and make sacrifices in other areas. I see nothing in your story that indicates what she is offering the guy, other than the pleasure of your company for six weeks. I assume they were doing other sexual things (like oral sex) so it’s not a matter of him “waiting,” it’s just a matter of her stating implausible reasons why she won’t move further (I don’t believe for a minute that condoms were the issue.) As is often said here, life is about tradeoffs.

    I agree in general with Moxie, that the most likely explanation is that this girl is just too much work (clearly sexually, and probably in other areas) and the guy has a lot of other options to which he gives his attention.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      (I don’t believe for a minute that condoms were the issue.)

      I meant to touch on this. The no condom excuse is bullshit. There’s a CVS’Duane Reade/Walmart/Bodega on every couple of blocks pretty much everywhere. If you wanted to have sex you would have gone and get some. Or you would have had them on hand. Or..shocker…you’d have done it anyway. Oh yes,I know, that’s just for sluts.

      People who cry “no condom!” are people who never had intention of having sex in the first place.

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      • Lalalatte Says:

        This! What grown-up doesn’t keep condoms on hand? They have a pretty long shelf life. For that reason al

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        • Lalalatte Says:

          Drats – hit the button before I was done commenting.

          Just wanted to add condoms are cheap, a small investment in sexual health to keep on hand. I agree that when the “no condom” excuse is used it’s often because one person isn’t really into having sex or is trying to use sex as a bargaining chip. That is not a healthy or adult attitude to adopt.

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          • Danielle Says:

            I have condoms at my house but don’t keep them in my purse. We were at his place when the sex was initiated. I don’t know why he didn’t have any if that was his plan.

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            • Crotch Rocket Says:

              If he’d had condoms on hand, you probably would have found some other excuse for not having sex with him.

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              • Danielle (OP) Says:

                That’s an incorrect assumption.

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                • VJ Says:

                  Flaky is as flaky does. You’re both adults. Adult men really don’t wait around several months for the intimation of sex. Unlike DMN above, there really was no indication in the question from the OP of any sort of sexual activity or even ‘frisson’. So either you both were not feeling it, or it was yet another infamous reprise of a old outdated HS dating’ethos’ almost about a decade past when such behavior was last acceptable. The old ‘blue balls’ approach to dating might be fine if you told them up front, ‘I’m very religious/scared/hurt and this will take awhile before I might warm to any kind of sexual activity’. But no, the guys always have to keep guessing and playing along somehow. It’s supposedly part of the whole ‘mystery deal’ according to the ‘Rules’. Well it’s the 21st century, homey don’t play that BS anymore.

                  So ‘He was very sweet, a great listener, etc.” and was evidently quite a step up from your usual dating slugs that you’ve perhaps happily once dated blithely with little problem? And you just wanted to make him work for it a ‘bit harder’ just to make it all seem ‘more natural’ and make sure that he was indeed willing to ‘jump though ALL the hoops’ to win your prize? That being Just your attention here too?!

                  Yeah no self respecting adult man would be playing this ‘chase me’ game for long. So Please get a new game girl, this one is so ancient, even the scooter riding retirees that are thick on the ground down in Fl don’t go for such BS anymore! They’d leave in a hurry! In a NY minute as they’d tell you. But you’ll have to be there to see it. And from the sounds of things? You’ll be holding out for Mr. Right until he’s 10 min from the grave. Then he won’t notice or much care for the bother. That’s the real bottom line here we’d suspect. Cheers, ‘VJ’

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                  • slimshadow Says:

                    If you are a self-respecting woman, don’t jump in bed with men after a few dates just for fear of him losing patience. NY or FL, 1980s or 2013, there are no rules as to when you should give. If you hold yourself to a higher standard, you’ll get a high standard guy; if you set the bar low you’ll get another average guy.
                    Have sex when you feel the time is right, and sex with connection is better! That being said, going on dates for months with no sex just points one thing—you don’t want him very much, so ask yourself and figure that out. If you are really into each other, by now you should be inseparable!

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                    • Crotch Rocket Says:

                      don’t jump in bed with men after a few dates just for fear of him losing patience.
                      One shouldn’t be having sex out of fear, true. However, if you “aren’t ready” or “aren’t sure” about sex with someone after 3-5 dates, then you already have the answer: you’re just not that into them. Time to move on.

                      If you hold yourself to a higher standard, you’ll get a high standard guy;
                      Maybe. Or maybe you’ll get no guy at all, if what you offer isn’t enough to buy what you want. Hint: most people are average. Is “not settling” worth potentially being alone forever?

                      sex with connection is better!
                      After 3-5 dates there should be some level of emotional connection. If not, why are you still dating them, other than to get free meals, free attention, free entertainment, etc.?

                      And, for the record, sex without any emotional connection can be pretty darned good too.

                      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 10

  2. LaMotta Says:

    My guess is he was getting annoyed from the waiting (yet suppressing it, since he was “acting the perfect gentleman), and then at the infamous brunch it all came out in the form of exaggerated annoyance at your car joke. Then this became the perfect excuse to do a disappearing act, so he could move on to the other women he is almost certainly seeing.

    Look. On a deep, primal level, acceptance to men is sex. No sex, no desire perceived. We start to sniff out that something is “wrong”, act out, and start looking elsewhere.

    Think about it on a deep evolutionary level. A full-on gf/bf relationship with no sex is the maximum expenditure of a man’s resources, with zero return. It’s profoundly disturbing to us.

    A lot of “nice guys” out there in the modern dating scene are really just screwed up because they feel this but do not know it. Women don’t know what’s wrong either because they’re just fine with the guy not pushing for sex. It’s “safe”. Yet somehow unfulfilling.

    Anyways. 3 dates and I’m out of there. That doesn’t mean never seeing again, but it probably means “friendzoned” (yes, I’m the one who usually does the friendzoning!)

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Good comment and I agree with the gist of it. But I don’t agree that these matters are primal. Maybe that doesn’t matter. Women do not have power in nature. Culture and law, not nature, give women power – and the main manifestation of that power is the control over sex – whether the act of saying “no, I’m not ready” or insisting on condoms, or historically, requiring marriage, etc. Hoop jumping. The point is, men do recognize certain behavior- consciously or unconsciously as an abuse of that power. And, the giving up of that power by women is understood by men as acceptance. 100%.

      But, yes, three dates is generally the window for women to demonstrate interest through actions recongizable by men.

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      • Joey Giraud Says:

        Women do not have power in nature

        What nonsense. Power is not upper-body strength. Power is the ability to get other people to do things.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      We start to sniff out that something is “wrong”, act out, and start looking elsewhere.
      Agreed. Many men don’t want to be known for dumping a gal due to lack of sex, so they’ll either find another reason to dump her or do something that gets her to end things. This is a big part of why so many relationships end over seemingly trivial conflicts.

      Women don’t know what’s wrong either because they’re just fine with the guy not pushing for sex. It’s “safe”.
      More importantly, many women don’t understand that “gentlemen” want sex just as much as the next guy; they’re just more subtle/classy about it. The clock is still ticking, though, and eventually he’s going to give up and move on in search of a woman who returns his interest.

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  3. Julia Says:

    Wow. Talk about randomly putting everything on the lack of sex. Sex does not make a relationship. Waiting a few months is fine and shows interest not following some random 3 date rule. It sounds like this guy really liked you but was not able to talk about what has upset him. Either reach out to him and see if he is mature enough to talk about the issue and work it out or move on.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Sex may not make a relationship, but a lack of sex will certainly destroy a relationship. Waiting months isn’t fine to most men. Putting a man to a test to show his “interest” by withholding sex shows your lack of interest. In this case, it wasn’t some “random” 3 date rule; by my estimate it was at least a 15 date rule and counting. If you have to take that long to be sure enough that he’s into you to be worthy of your sexual attention, you’re drifting into ball-busting territory.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Sex does not make a relationship.
      No, but lack of sex definitely does make lack of a relationship. In mathematical terms, it’s “necessary but not sufficient”.

      Waiting a few months is fine and shows interest
      Waiting “a few months” shows he either has no other options or is likely gay. Is that really the filter you want to be using?

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      • HammersAndNails Says:

        Don’t forget impotent.

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      • Kurt Says:

        If the man is paying for all of the dates, he would have to be out of his mind to date a woman 2-3 times per week for 6 weeks if he is getting practically nothing in return.

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  4. D. Says:

    I don’t buy that the OP was all that interested in this guy in the first place. I think there was, perhaps, an initial interest in the guy himself, at least insofar as he represented a guy who was “perfect on paper,” but over time, I think she started doubting it. Gradually, I’d bet he sensed the disparity in their levels of interest, and moved on.

    Think about it.

    Why would anyone agree to go out 2-3 times a week, for a period of about 6 weeks….but still be “unsure” about having sex with the other person? Where’s the uncertainty coming from? I’ll tell you: lack of interest in the other person. For whatever reason, the OP just wasn’t feeling it with this guy, or she’d have had no problem going to bed with him. Maybe it was the full-court-press approach to dating that range false to her. Maybe it was something else. Who knows. But I’m sorry, after 6 weeks of intense dating like that, you’re NOT on the fence about someone. You’re either into ‘em, or you aren’t. The notions of “But I want to be suuuuuure” are bullshit. You ARE sure. You’re just not admitting it to yourself.

    My bet:

    The OP liked this guy a lot….on paper. And she REALLY liked the attention she got from him. But she didn’t like HIM per se. She let it go, and let it go, hoping that somewhere along the line something would click and her doubts would be erased, but it didn’t happen. And eventually, this guy figured it out and moved on. My bet was the brunch incident had a lead-in to it, at least on his side of things. Maybe he’d felt for a while that she wasn’t interested, and her comment finally brought that notion home to him. Maybe he felt like he was putting a fair bit of effort in, but getting not a whole hell of a lot back (not necessarily sex, mind you, but affection/appreciation/attention OTHER than passively accepting HIS attention), and her comment finally snapped him out of it.

    It sounds like he was pretty seriously interested. I don’t get the same sense from her. I get the sense that she likes the attention, but not who it’s coming from, or at least not enough to want to take things further in terms of a relationship. That doesn’t’ mean she can’t still be bugged when all of a sudden the guy just drops her like a stone, either. But is she missing HIM or missing being courted? My bet is it’s the latter. I see a lot of focus in her email on all the things this guy DOES, and not a whole lot about who he is as a person.

    I wouldn’t expect this second go-around to lead anywhere more substantive, either. My bet is this guy’s somewhat inexperienced and is giving it a shot again out of whatever fascination he had in the girl. And again, she’ll like the attention but still be on the fence about him. He’ll sense it and bail, or she’ll force things forward and then call it off a little while later.

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    • Selena Says:

      I can see this going both ways D. He fits her list, she fits his, they get along, they BOTH like the attention they get from dating each other but something is not quite there. Passion?

      They part, don’t meet anyone else who turns their respective cranks, and end up giving it another go months later “just to see”, but the results are the same.

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  5. J Says:

    This guy sounds like a little baby. Who gets that sensitive just because someone teases him?

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      I’m guessing it wasn’t so much the comment per se as that particular comment at that particular time was a bit of a “last straw” (as others have said).

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  6. Selena Says:

    If no sex was the reason he disappeared after 6 weeks the first time, why did he try to re-connect in September? And then again in December? Only to flake again in February? If this guy has so many proverbial “options” as you guys seem to believe, wouldn’t he be boinking those options and have totally forgotten about Danielle?

    Like Mox, I tend to think this guy is a bit immature/inexperienced when it comes to relationships. Maybe he isn’t really ready for that level. He may have options, but he flakes before he has to get really serious. Asking someone to be your girlfriend isn’t necessarily the same thing as actually being a boyfriend. Danielle, the girl who wouldn’t agree to be a girlfriend after 3 dates, is “safe” in that respect. No pressure. And it sounds like they spent plenty of time together, enough for him to know her position on sex and why.

    My verdict Danielle is not to bother picking unripe fruit.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      It’s interesting to see how threads like these go.

      The men come in and say, “Here’s why he bailed.” The women then come in and say, “That can’t be it, and if it is well then he’s [insert insult.]”

      The men are explaining to you how they think. You can call it mansplaining or whatever you like. They are the ones who have been in this guy’s shoes more than you. Therefore, there’s probably some truth to what they say.

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      • Selena Says:

        Fair enough. So guys… if you dated a woman for 6 weeks who wouldn’t do you and then bailed, WHY would you attempt to get her interested in you several months later? And a few months after that? What is the point of periodically reaching out to a woman you don’t feel appreciates and/or is into you?

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        • LostSailor Says:

          Infatuation and weak game is your answer. Most men would not date for 6 weeks without getting any and if they bailed after that they wouldn’t get back in touch. Here’s a question back to you: If you were seeing a guy who would put up with frequent dating without sex and he bailed (as he should), and then he got back in touch, WHY would you be remotely interested in him?

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          • Selena Says:

            Actually that would be your question to Danielle LS.

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            • LostSailor Says:

              Since you posed the question to the “guys” above, it was directed at you. Or the other fine ladies here…

              Of course, Danielle should feel free to jump in, too.

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              • Selena Says:

                Doesn’t apply to me. I’m “fast”. :)

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                • LostSailor Says:

                  An attractive feature…

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                • Danielle (OP) Says:

                  Why am I still interested…well I’ve asked myself the same question MANY times. Initially I wanted to ignore him and not reach back out, but I realized that I never stopped caring about him, despite dating other people between when we stopped seeing each other. Overall, I guess I responded because I realize that I had a role to play in why it didn’t work out the first time. I can see what we are together as friends/dating/whatever and miss that relationship even if we can’t be something more.

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                  • India Says:

                    Whenever things linger this long (with a lot of space or gaps in between), both parties may be less than invested and both have other options. He will continue to pop in and out of your life. You will continue to get these “how is it going” texts whenever he is bored. He will want the satisfaction that you still responds (ie he still got you). You can’t let his person take up so much mental energy of yours that you will miss out on other opportunities. Date others, sleep with other men, trust me, he will be back like a boomerang, but you would not care by then.

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                  • VJ Says:

                    Translation: ‘I liked the attention, and the ‘courting’, but the icky sex part, much less so, at least with him. I’ll keep him on the shelf as a ‘LJBF’ purse for ‘money dates’ when I want a freebie with low or little expectations. It’s a low interest low involvement sort of arrangement. I get all the attention, and give little in return. What’s not to love? Sure I’ll sign up for more of that Works for me!’ D, OP.

                    Cheers, ‘VJ’

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                    • Danielle (OP) Says:

                      VJ,

                      It wasn’t about the attention or the courting. I was more attracted to him than anyone else I’ve dated. However, hearing about a fairly frequent history of 3-somes and swinging, when I am not used to or involved in that lifestyle, will raise questions of 1) sexual safety and 2) if he expects me to take part in that. I would never use a guy for money or dates. About half of our dates were free – like going to a park, or having movie dates at my place (since I don’t have roommates and he does). I paid for tickets to a sporting event that we went to and when he wanted to pay me back I didn’t let him. He was a little frustrated, but I explained that I wanted to do something for him because he had always been so generous. He seemed fine with that, but resumed paying for everything after that.

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                    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                      Holy hell. Threesomes? Swinging? But puts up with no sex for 6 weeks and turns down sex? Hon, he’s either gay, questioning his sexuality and trying to date a woman or has some kind of sexual dysfunction and couldn’t get it up for you.

                      I don’t know what the actual story was, but this story has reached it’s conclusion. The mystery has been solved. You have no future with this guy.

                      Let’s all move on.

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                    • dan Says:

                      If he was telling you about threesomes and swinging then he doesn’t sound like a nice guy. what where you doing with him if you knew this? I thought you had set the bar high?
                      I am dating a girl now that is still a virgin and wants to take things slow, fair enough. i have waited 2 moths so far but I am not going to wait for ever. How long? I’m not sure, until I get the shits with it and move on. I’m not into all this romance crap so she pays for most of her own stuff ect. I would say he lost interest and tried to move on. why he came back? who knows? maybe he liked her enough to stick it out on those 15 dates and Danielle hasn’t noticed that. either way I wouldn’t stick with a bloke that does threesomes.

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        • ivan Says:

          well i go by doc love saying you try once with a woman to see if a relationship is ever gonna happen. if her interest lvls are tooo low dont bother move on to the next. in nyc woman out number men.

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        • The D-man Says:

          Lack of options. It sounds like this guy doesn’t get laid a lot, hence his willingness to wait on OP. So now it’s a few months later and he hasn’t met anyone and thinking maybe he should give it one more try.

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        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          If this guy has so many proverbial “options” as you guys seem to believe, wouldn’t he be boinking those options and have totally forgotten about Danielle? … if you dated a woman for 6 weeks who wouldn’t do you and then bailed, WHY would you attempt to get her interested in you several months later?
          Every guy (that I know) has dry spells, when he goes back through past dates looking for some he might be able to “reconnect” with in hopes that things will turn out better this time. But it doesn’t, and the dry spell ends, so he forgets about her until the next time. Or he hopes that she’ll eventually clue in and realize that the lack of physicality is why they never end up in a relationship. Looks like that’s exactly what’s happening here.

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        • LaMotta Says:

          I might reach out again just to recapture some of the friendship aspects… there’s no denying that these two probably shared “something” over those months.

          Or maybe some other irons he had in the fire burned out and it was time to kindle a new one.

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        • Joe Slow Says:

          The oppotunity cost is low to recontact:

          “who knows maybe i’ll hit her when she needs help and we bang, at least it will be some payoff for those 6 weeks.”

          It also sounds like he’s game is improving, going to bars, clubs, tennis (good move).

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      There only needs to be one better option – he doesn’t need to be mac daddy.. Sometimes, with some especially difficult women, a better “option” for him might be sitting on the couch watching TV. Maybe in September and December, he was weak on options, and in February, some better things appeared. It’s all relative. Anyway, you’re ignoring the part about the woman, herself, communicating a lack of interest to him by arbitrarily refusing sex. So, even if he’s interested, he’s picking up on her lack of interest and weighing that as a factor as to how much effort we will make (and whether she’s better than a night on the couch.). This story is entirely consistent with a mature and expereicned man behaving very rationally. It has nothing to do with maturity.

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      • Selena Says:

        “Anyway, you’re ignoring the part about the woman, herself, communicating a lack of interest to him by arbitrarily refusing sex.”

        I didn’t address that because I figured if they were seeing each other 2-3 times a week for 6 weeks they would have at some point had a conversation about sex. *I* would have jumped a guy I really liked within 6 weeks, but not all women are like me. :)

        Danielle’s question wasn’t why the guy disappeared the first time around, it was why he would show up again and then disappear. Since he wasn’t getting sex the first time around, what would make him think the magic would happen quickly 6 months later? I disagree that is consistent with a mature and experienced man behaving rationally. At least not those I’ve known.

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Since he wasn’t getting sex the first time around, what would make him think the magic would happen quickly 6 months later?

          It’s called recycling. Someone is in a dry spell so they go through their contacts and check in with someone from their past. It’s usually not deeper than that.

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        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          I figured if they were seeing each other 2-3 times a week for 6 weeks they would have at some point had a conversation about sex.
          If they had, I think she would have mentioned it–or there’s a reason she hasn’t.

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          • Selena Says:

            Wouldn’t the guy have initiated such a conversation? If you are a person, man or woman, who sees sex as something that usually happens before 6 weeks–especially if you’re seeing each other 2-3 times a week–why wouldn’t you say something if week after week it wasn’t happening?

            Going by her initial letter, I figured Danielle told him she was fresh off a breakup, didn’t want to get into a rebound situation, gets very attached when she has sex, etc, etc. and the guy went along with it until he didn’t want to go along with it anymore. Since she has supplied more details (he actually turned down sex with her after 6 weeks), it would appear he may have a sexual issue of some sort. Which would explain why he didn’t push for it when they were dating. And also why they may have never talked about it either.

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            • Crotch Rocket Says:

              [For the sake of this point, I’m going to pretend the later revelation about him turning down sex hadn’t occurred.]

              why wouldn’t you say something if week after week it wasn’t happening?
              If I tried to move things in that direction and was repeatedly rejected, week after week, I’d find some other reason to end things or a way to get her to do so. If she tried to explain at the time why she was rejecting me, that might result in a two-way conversation or it might not, depending on the reason(s) she gave.

              Then again, the last time I let things go on that way for so long was in high school. As an adult, my experience has been that if it doesn’t happen by the fifth date, it never will, so I’ll refocus my time and energy on someone who’s actually interested in me. I can’t really speak to the mindset of a guy who would wait that long, or whether he’d initiate a conversation about it.

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              • Selena Says:

                And as an adult woman, I would expect most adult men to react like you. Which is why my initial assessment was that Danielle’s friend was a bit immature/inexperienced and perhaps not ready for a “real” relationship.

                Given the subsequent info Danielle has provided I think many of us have changed our original take on the situation.

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  7. LostSailor Says:

    The man in this tale doesn’t read like a man who has either options or much game at all. My first impression was the he was definitely into Danielle and was willing to pay for her dating attention 2 to 3 times a week for a month and a half. In return, she makes “jokes” about leaving him stranded. Things apparently came to a head when they came “close” to finally having sex but…well, no. He tries to express his frustration, but she apparently–and I’m guessing breezily–blew him off. So, he cut his losses.

    If that were the end of the story, I’d put it on Danielle for stringing the guy along, just so she could be “sure.” If you’re not sure enough to sleep with the guy after that amount of time dating, you’re just using him for free meals and entertainment, regardless of whether you offered to pay or not. (Free clue: if you “want” to pay, then pay. There’s no excuse. If you’re going on 2 to 3 dates a week and still withholding sex, then you should insist on paying part of the time.) Danielle “guesses” he felt emasculated? No, she knew and did nothing to counter that feeling.

    But that’s apparently not the end of the story. He disappears for a couple of months over the summer, then pops up again. And hangs out on the sidelines for more months before they actually get together. More detail would be needed about those months and the reason they didn’t actually meet during that time. She says he was being “flaky,” but I suspect she was holding him at arms length, possibly to punish him for bailing over the summer.

    Once they start dating again, she’s still not interested enough to sleep with the guy, and he just takes it. The real tell here is that he “kissed the corner of [her] mouth.” Who the hell does that? Dating for a month and a half (again!) since the start of the year, and they’re not only not sleeping together, they’re not even kissing?

    Whatever this relationship is, it is fundamentally broken. Danielle should do this guy a huge favor and cut him loose. He’s not helping himself with his weak behavior, and she’s not really interested in him. At least not as a man. An emotional tampon perhaps.

    Danielle, it’s not his “inconsistent” behavior, it’s your lack of respect for him as a man. He’s not really acting the part, granted, but you have contributed to it. Why would he show up again and then disappear? You really have to ask this question? Considering his weak game, he probably was into you and may or may not have had other options, or options he liked better than you. But all the effort in this relationship was on his side. No sex, no kissing? He’s bailed again because of that. Withhold sex long enough and even the more clueless guys will eventually get the hint.

    Don’t see this guy again. He’ll be better off. And try not to drive off your next boyfriend…

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      “He told me on our second date that I was everything on his “list” and asked me on the third date if it was too soon to ask me to be his girlfriend.”

      Upon re-reading this, I do agree that this man is clearly inexperienced and lacks “game.” But, I disagree that he lacks options, which is still the critical point. You don’t need game to have options, thank god.. He may have naturaL qualities that are just innately attractive to women. She does say that he ticked all the boxes, and I’m taking her at her word on that.

      I also assume that he and the OP were engaged in sexual activity, just not actual intercourse. It wasn’t a junior high romance. She says they didn’t have “sex” but we can’t be sure what that means. To me, it could be they were doing “everything but.” In that situation, in my opinion, she is not so much “stringing him along” and his periodic leaving is less an indication of sexual frustration and more his frustration with her lack of interest (as communicated by her arbitrary refusal to have real sex) along with the periodic availability of new and better options. Lucky guy.

      He goes back to her because he finds her attractive and they have a physical relationship which, itself, is genuinely satisfying for him, even if doesn’t involve sex with condoms. He disappears periodically when something better comes along.

      If my assumption about their sexual activity is wrong, then hells bells, I agree that it is clearly a case of her stringing along some douchey, weak inexperienced guy.

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    • Danielle (OP) Says:

      As far as what happened over those few months, he would text things like “hey we should get together this week.” I would reply “that sounds fun. what would you like to do?” and then not hear back until the next week. Then the process would start over and maybe plans would be made like “let’s see a movie” but then he would never reply with a day. I wasn’t holding him at arms length. Nothing was ever materializing. Finally I just stopped replying and when he asked why, I said that I wanted to hang out, but nothing ever seems to actually happen from us saying we would. That’s when he set a date for us to see each other.

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      • Danielle (OP) Says:

        Oh and I wasn’t the one that wasn’t kissing him…I would have gladly done that any of the times we saw each other over the past month. I was just getting an arms length vibe from him and didn’t want to step over a boundary that I felt he put up. I guess thinking from a guy’s perspective…why wouldn’t you want a girl to kiss you (unless you’re already in a relationship).

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        • India Says:

          If you hear from a man once in a blue moon, he is likely using you as a stop gap while he is dealing other women. It is very likely that he had hit a road block in his relationships with other women, and he pops back in your life for the attention. He has not pushed for sex as he so likely having his needs met with other women. You are an available warm body whenever he feels he needs to take a breather from that main relationship (or relationships) he is pursuing.

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        • D. Says:

          I’d ask how old this guy is, but I don’t suppose it matters. I get the sense that the real issue here is that he’s inexperienced and doesn’t really know himself particularly well. He also strikes me as impulsive. He asks you to be his girlfriend on date 3. While you may be a lovely person (I really wouldn’t know one way or the other), that shows a serious lack of perspective and/or insecurity. At most you’ve probably known each other for 15 hours, and this guy knows he doesn’t want to date anyone else but you after that point?

          Then he disappears for a few months, and sort of half-asses it with you for a while after that. To me, it sounds like he’s conflicted for some reason. He wants to pursue things but is holding back. Maybe he’s worried he’ll get hurt, maybe his situation hasn’t sufficiently changed to make him think he’s ready to date (e.g., still no car), or maybe there’s something else at play, but regardless, the hot-and-cold routine is odd.

          You both sound kind of hung up on each other, except it sounds like you’re more hung up on the idea of what could be. Bear in mind that if you date this guy, you take him as you find him. Meaning, all the wishy-washyness, all the oddly sexless displays of affection (kissing you on the corner of the mouth? WTF?), all the uncertainty and insecurty, that’s all him and it’s part of the package.

          If you’re cool with all of that, then go ahead and play it out, but I don’t get a sense that this guy is suddenly gonna pull his shit together tomorrow, know what he wants, and be able to follow through on it. I think he’ll continue to be timid in how he approaches you.

          I guess I don’t understand why either of you is so fascinated by the other. Nothing you’ve said about him sounds like you’re all that into him. You said you care about him but it sounds more like you care about the dynamic between you two rather than him as a person. You say you care about him, yet you haven’t really described him at all except as being (A) gentlemanly, (B) flaky and timid, and (C) checking off certain boxes on a list.

          Also, pay attention to the language you used. You said above “I missed that relationship.” Not “I missed him.”

          That’s fairly telling.

          It sounds like you appreciate how this guy fawns all over you, and find it confusing that he initially went full-throttle, and then backed off, and you missed the attention. I don’t mean this as an attack on you, by the way. You may not even have thought about it in these terms. But most of what you’ve written about has been the dynamic of the interplay between you two, rather than either of you as people. It’s all about how each of you is behaving in relation to each other, rather than about characteristics each of you has, or shared interests, or anything like that.

          For what it’s worth, I’d bet he’s equally as wrapped up in the “idea” of you, rather than being into you for who you are. The whole relationship seems to be built around ideas and digging the exchange, rather than about something more substantive.

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      • India Says:

        These periodic check in via text is a strategy to keep you as an option. There was no intention I follow up, but there was satisfaction for him to know that you are still interested enough to communicate. If things get desperate for him, you are still an available option

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  8. monica Says:

    He’s either “closeted”, a “straight up nerd” (with potential in the looks and style department) or both. If they get along so well as friends, they should be friends and see where it goes. Sex will happen if it’s meant to be.

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  9. Danielle (OP) Says:

    Hi,

    I’m the OP so just to address some of the comments that you brought up:
    – I am very into this guy. However, I get attached when I have sex so in some senses I guess I wanted to be sure of his feelings before I took that step. I knew that if I did that and he didn’t feel the same way I’d be devastated. For me (unfortunately) sex isn’t just sex. It would be convenient and easier if it was, but it’s not. So some semblance of self-preservation was in effect which, at the end of the day, blew up in my face. I do wish that we had sex before he lost interest in the summer – not in the hopes that he wouldn’t have lost interest, but just that I’m so physically attracted to him that I shouldn’t have let those thoughts get in the way.
    – Condoms. Given the fact that we talked a bit about our sexual history on these dates, specifically that he is much more experienced than I am, and we were not exclusive yet I wanted to use a condom. If he had said let’s go get some condoms I would have gone and it would have happened. Later he told me that he doesn’t like to use condoms with someone he’s serious about/in a relationship with, but he uses them with one night stands. If it had been approached from that perspective there’s a much bigger possibility that I would have just done it without one, but not knowing that, being aware of his history of kinkiness, and being fearful of STI’s, I wasn’t willing to take that chance.
    – Something that I forgot to include in the original post was that the next morning after the no condom/no sex – I went home to walk my dogs and came back with some condoms while he was still in bed. I tried to initiate sex and he wasn’t into it. I was a bit shocked because he had just initiated the night before and then the next morning he didn’t want to. It was a few days later that he told me about not liking to use condoms with relationships thing, but it was still really weird to me.
    – We weren’t doing sexual things, just making out. DrivingMeNutes – I wasn’t intending to string him along, but I can see how it probably seemed that way. Things could have advanced, but he never tried and, frankly, I love making out so I was content with where we were.
    – I appreciate your perspective that sex is acceptance to guys. I hadn’t really thought about it that way and how this might influence his perception of my interest. I thought that doing sweet things for him and the physical contact we were having was enough, but clearly not.

    As an update, he contacted me yesterday to find out if I wanted to take a road trip with him to drive a friend home. The vibe was definitely different – not holding me at arm’s length anymore, linking my arm with his when we were walking around to get dinner, just touching me more in general. And he did kiss me at the end of the night. I don’t know what will come of this relationship-wise as he is likely moving in a few months, but physically…well I won’t get in my own way this time.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      My head exploded. I’m poised to just chalk this all up to weird-shit-that-happens-in-Florida but, just out of curiosity, how do you reach the point of “no condoms, no sex” without first engaging in some sort of sexual activity. I mean, how does the subject of condoms come up while you’re just kissing on the couch with all your clothes on?

      In any event, I am glad to see that you avoided getting “attached.”

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      • Danielle Says:

        Hahaha. We were making out in his bed, clothes started being removed, I said condom, he said he didn’t have any and that’s where it stopped because I was like well…we need to get one. I think he was being a baby about the condom thing.

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    • Selena Says:

      You won’t get in your own way this time? So you will be okay with having sex with him and then not seeing him after he a) flakes again or b) moves away? How does this mesh with “However, I get attached when I have sex so in some senses I guess I wanted to be sure of his feelings before I took that step. I knew that if I did that and he didn’t feel the same way I’d be devastated. For me (unfortunately) sex isn’t just sex. It would be convenient and easier if it was, but it’s not.

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      • Selena Says:

        Oh, and do you plan not to use a condom with him either because he only likes to use them with one stands? Yikes.

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    • D. Says:

      I’m with DMN. Steer clear of this guy. He sounds fucked up.

      The more I hear about this story, the more it just sounds like you’re physically attracted, and you enjoyed him giving you the full-court press early on. It doesn’t sound like there’s a lot more to this “relationship” than that.

      I can’t get a bead on whether he’s just some sap who gets infatuated easily, or if he’s a guy who’s playing you. The “I don’t like using condoms in a relationship” thing plus suggesting you be exclusive on date #3….that leans more towards “playing you,” but if that was the case, I’d have expected him to bail WAY sooner than he did.

      In the end, though, it doesn’t really matter why he’s doing what he’s doing. Either way, this is not sounding good. It sounds like your instinct to “make sure” was really just your caution overriding your lust. You WANT to believe that this guy won’t leave a vapor trail behind him when you finally do have sex, but his behavior leaves you doubting. Understandable. But I’d bet it’s more than just doubt. I’d bet something’s telling you “This ain’t right.” Because, well, the story ain’t right. The guy’s behavior is all over the place, and really, the explanation for it is pointless.

      The dude sounds like he’s more trouble than he’s worth. Just move on.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I wanted to weigh in before you had date 35 with this guy and got attached.

      As I’ve said before, the “let’s talk about sexual history” thing is usually a trap that someone sets in the hopes of gaining information to later use against their partner. In this case, it was this guy’s allegedly kinky past. Which I’m guessing isn’t at all kinky. You don’t want to have sex with him. Which is why you didn’t. And the sex would have no bearing on whether or not you got attached, as you’re clearly attached without it. These are excuses and rationalizations. You liked the lack of sex. It took the pressure off so that you and this guy could be girlfriends.

      So he a) tolerated 6 weeks of make out sessions and b) turned down sex?

      This guy is either a serious closet case or he has absolutely no interest in you or just all kinds of messed up. Game over. Move on. And do yourself a favor and don’t get sucked in to all the chatter in this thread.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Well, there’s always more to the story, isn’t there?

      While I think I was right in my original assessment, based on the information given, now I have to say that I was 180 degrees wrong.

      I can’t really get a bead on this guy, but clearly Danielle is infatuated with both the guy and the “relationship,” whatever actual relationship there is. Maybe he’s genuine and sincere and really wants something serious with you; if so it was likely in the first two months before he pulled back. But given the inconsistent behavior after he resurfaced I don’t know that it’s true anymore. I can’t tell if he’s playing you or just keeping you as an option until he–maybe–moves.

      But if what you’re taking away from the comments is that now’s the time to give in and get frisky with the guy after months of holding out, that may not be the best thing to do. I agree with Moxie that there’s definitely something odd about this guy. I’d move on, no matter how infatuated you are.

      Then again, there’s probably even more to the story, and I suspect you’re already too attached to the guy to give up, and will probably give in instead. I’m interested to know if you do and how long he sticks around afterward…

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      • Danielle Says:

        DMN, Moxie, LS – any thoughts about why he turned down sex the morning after when condoms were available?

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          I think they already shared their thoughts:

          >This guy is either a serious closet case or he has absolutely no interest in you or just all kinds of messed up. <

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        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          I can’t explain a normal, healthy, heterosexual, adult male with any degree of experience going out with a woman several nights a week for six weeks or more and not expecting any sort of physical escalation beyond cuddling and kissing. I can’t relate. Perhaps I lack imagination.

          In short, I think his rejection of your condoms might be the least of your concerns.

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        • Sierra Says:

          Danielle, I think that the reason he’s holding off on the sex is that there’s something he’s not telling you. Everyone’s right, this is not normal male behavior. Either he’s also dating someone else, maybe off and on or something, or he has an STD that he is scared to tell you about. Speaking with experience, this is classic STD behavior and if you do sleep with him you should DEFINITELY use condoms! I think that whatever he told you when you were having the sex talk was an excuse to throw you off the trail of where he’s really coming from. Or, as Moxie and a few others suggested, he’s gay. Regardless, the longer you keep a secret, the harder it gets to tell it.

          Sit him down, tell him he can trust you, and ask him if there’s something he hasn’t told you. If you have to, ask direct questions till you find out what it is. Then you can go from there. If he doesn’t tell you something new that hits home and explains all this I’d break it off. He’s either lying to you or he’s lying to himself, which is worse.

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        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          any thoughts about why he turned down sex the morning after when condoms were available?
          As a straight man, I do not turn down a woman (whom I’m attracted to) when she offers sex, and we wouldn’t have had more than one date if I wasn’t attracted to her. So, my only explanation is to point you back to the speculation around him being a “gentleman” before you shared this critical piece of information: he’s gay. The rest of the story is irrelevant.

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        • D. Says:

          He’s fucked up.

          Look, if you went to a car dealership and were about to take a car out for a test drive, turned on the ignition, and the car started shaking and making weird noises, would you want to look under the hood and figure out whether it’s due to a busted head gasket or a fault in the onboard computer or a coolant leak? Of course not. You’d just say “This car is no good. I’ll go buy another one.”

          You know everything you need to know about this guy: he’s fucked up. The how/why is only relevant for idle speculation. You won’t even need to know that for future reference — all you need to be able to do is spot “Something’s off” behavior.

          http://farm5.staticflickr.com/4018/4627901612_9b7ca9ff20_z.jpg

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            >You know everything you need to know about this guy: he’s fucked up. The how/why is only relevant for idle speculation.<

            Seriously. Women (including younger me) waste soooooo much time on that crap.

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          • Danielle (OP) Says:

            haha love the picture D

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        • LostSailor Says:

          I really have no idea why he would have turned you down that morning. Maybe he had a scenario in his head about what the “first time” should be like, and morning sex wasn’t it. But I don’t buy the explanation that he doesn’t use condoms with someone he’s “serious” with. Most guys don’t like condoms, myself included, but most smart guys use them. Perhaps after all the dating without sex, he expected a more intimate encounter, but taken as a whole, turning down sex just because of a condom is a bit suspect.

          If you do decide to finally do him, I’d suggest still using a condom; if he turns you down again because of that, there is definitely something wrong…

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Something that I forgot to include in the original post was that the next morning after the no condom/no sex – I went home to walk my dogs and came back with some condoms while he was still in bed. I tried to initiate sex and he wasn’t into it.
      This changes everything; see my previous response (above, I think) for more on that specific point.

      Later he told me that he doesn’t like to use condoms with someone he’s serious about/in a relationship with, but he uses them with one night stands. If it had been approached from that perspective there’s a much bigger possibility that I would have just done it without one, but not knowing that, being aware of his history of kinkiness, and being fearful of STI’s, I wasn’t willing to take that chance.
      That would have been the wrong move. I get it. I hate condoms with a white-hot passion, but I always use them with someone new–and I am especially wary of women who are willing to go without the first time. OTOH, after being surprised on a first date in my early 20s and frantically trying to find a store open at 3am (unlike NYC, my city does sleep), I also always make sure I have at least one on me at any time sex is even remotely plausible. And no, ladies, I don’t think less of a woman for doing the same. The Boy Scouts have it right: always be prepared.

      I’m curious what “history of kinkiness” you’re referring to and how it might have changed your willingness to go without, but it really doesn’t change the analysis.

      We weren’t doing sexual things, just making out. … Things could have advanced, but he never tried and, frankly, I love making out so I was content with where we were.
      For 15+ dates? I enjoying making out as well, but I do expect to be making forward progress of some sort over time. If things stall at a certain point, wherever that may be, then something is seriously wrong.

      I appreciate your perspective that sex is acceptance to guys.
      That’s not how I’d put it, and that probably merits a discussion of its own, but the idea is roughly correct.

      I thought that doing sweet things for him and the physical contact we were having was enough, but clearly not.
      In general, I would agree with that sentiment, but not in this particular case.

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      • Danielle (OP) Says:

        CR – by kinkiness (and maybe I’m not using the right word) I mean history of 3-somes (2 girls and a guy or 2 guys and a girl) and hooking up with swingers – him being the new and interesting person for a swinger couple.

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Sweetie, he’s gay. Either that or he is some kind of sex addict and regular sex doesn’t do it for him and he’s trying to be “normal” by trying to date you.

          I met a guy off OKC once who told me about a first date he had with a woman from OKC, On the first date he ended up inviting a bi-sexual female friend to the date, the three of them went home and had a threeway and he ended up having anal sex with his date all in the same night. That’s a little extreme for me. I didn’t stick around to find out what was behind it.

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        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          by kinkiness (and maybe I’m not using the right word) I mean history of 3-somes (2 girls and a guy or 2 guys and a girl) and hooking up with swingers
          Okay, that’s kinky by most people’s standards, but it shouldn’t affect his ability/desire to have sex one-on-one. OTOH, I’d be suspicious of any guy who admits to a MFM threesome (and would strongly recommend against sex without a condom until you see HIV test results), but if he’s done FMF as well, that’s apparently not the issue either. I’m stumped.

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  10. Danielle (OP) Says:

    Thank you for all of your insight. It is appreciated.

    For those that mentioned that I didn’t talk about his qualities or my qualities, just the relationship – It’s not that I’m only focused on the relationship. It’s just my attempt to keep a semblance of anonymity by not sharing the things I like about him as a person.

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  11. VJ Says:

    OK I’m now a bit more mystified as others are here too by the OP’s responses. And given the real stats here, I’m also unwilling to give up on all the ‘usual and typical’ explanations over the simplistic but possible & ever popular ‘He’s gay!’ Not every scenario fits neatly into some sort of ready rubric, but there might be several alternative explanations of what might be going on here. Let’s run down some of the more likely ones ahead of our favorites.

    1.) He’s mostly Inexperienced. Which can and might come in many flavors now. a]. He’s now inexperienced at having a ‘simple Vanilla’ relationship after years of ‘heavy (unspecified but hinted at) kink’, and is quite lost at it. Hence the ‘performance anxiety’ and perhaps some real issues associated with condoms & such. Or simply being Unable to perform without his usual ‘kink’ cues or turn-ons which he may be unwilling to share and reveal to you. b.] As suggested above he may be having some irregular ‘performance’ issues separate & apart from kink, which may or may not be related to STI’s. or c]. He’s really into you, but does not know how to play or understand your particular games. His experience with sex has been different.

    2.) Re-reading this from ‘Danielle’? Might suggest some immaturity on behalf of the OP as well, which can easily lead to the infamous ‘double flake’ where no one knows what to expect, and we get the catcalls from the peanut gallery about ‘He’s Got to be Gay!’ No, just powerfully confused perhaps. By this from the OP:

    OP: “I wasn’t intending to string him along, but I can see how it probably seemed that way. Things could have advanced, but he never tried and, frankly, I love making out so I was content with where we were.
    – I appreciate your perspective that sex is acceptance to guys. I hadn’t really thought about it that way and how this might influence his perception of my interest. I thought that doing sweet things for him and the physical contact we were having was enough, but clearly not”.

    And you’re all of 26, and NONE of this might have occurred to you before now? And you’ve had sex with prior partners? And you’re not too overly religious? Perhaps you were both born in the wrong century.

    3.) So there’s also ‘something else’ that we’re just not quite ‘getting’ or hearing here too. You’ve had sex before & enjoyed it, but are just ‘scared’ of what it might do to a relationship? Just talk with the dude to see where you’re at and what are his expectations. Perhaps we’re all wrong here and something else is happening. Could be something health wise. But most gay guys just don’t easily ‘make out’ with the girls. They’re just not naturally attracted in ‘that sort of way’. Bi’s maybe. But who knows what’s going on here? It does sound quite strange. So what’s missing? Is it the religious angle? The prior kids/hubby/wife/gf/bf?

    4.) So I’m also not too fond of the easy psychiatric explanations either, but there’s also plenty of drugs that do interfere with performance, for both men & women, and yes, many folks take these drugs early in the morn just to ‘meet the day’. Perhaps he’d just dosed himself just before you came back in suddenly now ready to ‘get it on’, and he was preparing to leave. This would again argue for the original interpretation of ‘push me pull me’ deal, and you and or him not really wanting sex just yet. So why not talk to him & just ask? That may be the better part of wisdom here rather than just ‘fleeing’ or running away quickly. After all inquiring minds might like to know some of this ‘stuff for future reference and use, right? Cheers, ‘VJ’

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    • Danielle (OP) Says:

      VJ
      – no I haven’t been in many relationships (2 bfs in my life). Perhaps my lack of perspective about sex as acceptance has influenced that. There are undertones of religious influence which I am shedding with age…but likely still have an influence on things and have impacted the amount of experience I have in this area.

      – re: him being gay…when he brought up being in 3-somes where another guy was involved I naturally asked if he had sex with another guy before and he said no. He could be lying. He could be telling the truth. I have no real way of knowing.

      – He’s a bit metrosexual, but he’s also from a different country (Central America). It’s possible that this may influence his behavior and his expectations of me. Overall though I think a guy is a guy so probably not.

      I asked him on the way back from the road trip why he asked me to come with him. He said it was because he had fun spending time with me and out of all of his friends I was the one that he wanted to come. To which I asked what we were doing and where he was coming from with us spending time together again. He said that since January he has wanted to kiss me and ask me to be his gf on more than one occasion, but given that he’s moving back to Central America by the summer he just doesn’t see it lasting very long and he doesn’t want one of us to get hurt (read: me). Doing long distance in different countries is difficult and if we had started being bf/gf months ago we would have had the base to do this, but now he doesn’t think so. No explanation of course as to why he didn’t get his act together months ago and make it happen but I know that if he really wanted it to happen he would have done so. Despite this explanation, he kissed me later that night when we got back to his place. Maybe to test the waters and see if I would let him despite me clearly knowing that there will be no strings attached. At this point I guess I know where he’s coming from this go around though I’m not sure that it explains all of his behavior.

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      • Marie Says:

        This may sound bad, but I’ll ask anyways- is this guy going back to Central America because he wants to, or because he has to?

        I’m not saying this is necessarily the case, but there is definitely something to consider here. Do you think it’s possible at all that he could be trying to marry someone, anyone, in order to get a green card and stay in the US?

        Honestly, it could explain a lot. Why he wanted to jump into a real relationship so fast. Why he’s okay not having sex – it’s not what he really wants. Why he came back multiple times to try. Maybe he dated someone else, it fell through so he came back, hoping you were still an option. I wouldn’t assume this is the case, but I’d at least be cautious.

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        • Danielle (OP) Says:

          I don’t think so. He’s here getting a Master’s (he’s a lawyer) and applied for jobs in NYC, DC, and other places. He got a second interview with one that has an office in NYC, but is headquartered in his home country so he would rather go back there than move up north where it’s cold.

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          • Marie Says:

            Devil’s advocate here – why do you think he would he bother applying to multiple places in the US if he didn’t intend/want to stay?

            It makes sense that it’s a company from his home country that is looking to hire him. If he is working at a company that is headquartered in his home country, they can sponsor him for an H1B visa and have him work here, but basically pay him the same rates as he would make there – unfortunately cost of living here is higher, so he may opt to go home if not working for a US company that will eventually sponsor his green card ( I work in an HR function – this is how I know this stuff). I’m guessing he isn’t having an easy time getting hired here – it sucks, but unfortunately it’s true. Visas are expensive, a lot of companies don’t want to shell out the cash to sponsor them. I don’t think he’s too worried about your feelings because he’s dangling in front of your face that he wants to date you, then saying it’s impossible. That isn’t very nice. You seem like a super sweet person who is just believing the best in people – which is awesome! Just be a bit careful :)

            Other side of devil’s advocate – he may keep disappearing because his school schedule is busy. September – things are just getting started, maybe he thought he’d have time. If he got slammed with schoolwork, December makes sense for when he’d start to be around again (end of exams). As for February, school is back in full swing. Could be why he’s MIA.

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  12. Leelamonster Says:

    Normally, I think Moxie gives pretty decent (if slightly condescending) advice, but she gave this woman really bad advice. I really hope this relatively young woman does not believe that lack of sex within a 6-week period is what made a man flake out on her. Let’s be clear: if a man is genuinely interested in a woman and wasn’t planning to flake anyway, he will stick around and stay in touch — even if it’s just as a friend. He’s a flaky guy and he didn’t really like her that much to begin with — that’s all she needs to know. His behavior was all about his own life and goals; it had nothing do with her or whether or not she had intercourse with him in the 6-week window in which they went on dates. I give her credit for having high standards and waiting to see if he was planning to stick around — she got her answer: he doesn’t care about her. Good for her for not thinking that being a sex dispensary will keep a man interested. If she had wanted to sleep with him just for kicks and her own fun, that’s totally different — but she didn’t, so she made the right choice.

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