She’s Just Not That Into You, Bro

Name: Mark
Age: 31
State: CA
Question: Super Responsive but No Initiation Whatsoever

Hey there, love your column and would also love your advice on something.

I recently went out on a few dates with this girl who I met a few months ago.  We met at a bar in LA and she actually gave me her number without me asking.  We texted a bit back and forth and finally decided to meet up.  She lives in a suburb of LA so our commutes were a bit of a pain, but we managed over the course of the past 2 months to have 3 really nice dates, spaced out in 2 week intervals on Saturday nights.  Nice places, great times, and impromptu post-dinner visits to bars and even a random comedy show.

Now I’d like to think I’m a guy that “generally” gets when a girl is into me and when she’s not.  I’m not like a lot of the guys that write to you complaining about women and the plight of the dating world.  I had a great time with her and I do want to see her again.  And I forgot to mention, all 3 dates we ended out making out/necking/petting and sometimes dancing in public but never going back to each other’s places (the commute issue).  I also left each of those dates pretty happy about how things went.

If you’re of the belief that most people exhibit rational behavior when dating, to not only advance their own interests but make the other party know what they’re thinking/feeling without saying it, then this girl would be the exception.  She was super sweet, cool, classy, and respectful during the 3 dates, and is a relatively successful career woman and well educated.  Nothing in her behavior indicated anything to the contrary.   However, there’s been one problem: while she is very responsive to all of my contact, she has never once initiated anything.  No text, call, email, anything.  I feel like if I never reached out I’d never hear from her again.  Once I do reach out, boom, I plan a date and we’re all set.

After our 3rd date, a few issues came up with our schedules and we haven’t been able to set it up for something more.  Every time I’m free, she’s not, and vice versa.  But every time this is even decided, it’s me reaching out.  (I’m a text guy, not a call guy).  As I got more confused, I decided to wait several days without contacting her.  Still nothing.  Then I sent her a text, and she sends a flirty response within 2 minutes.  Bunch of flirting back and forth.  Then I say we should hang out this coming weekend. “I can’t next few weeks but definitely at some point.”

I’m just not used to behavior like this so I don’t know how to read it.  Not interested? Just very aloof? Has a bf so thinks she can ‘back pocket’ me? Leading me on, but getting what out of it? I definitely dont text her every day, sometimes going almost a week, and never more than a few back and forths, so it can’t just be for attention.

At this point I’m just kind of exhausted.  It’d be nice to go out again, but I don’t know if I can deal with this kind of contact style for the foreseeable future.  I also haven’t mentioned any of this to her because it’ll come off as needy.  I think it’s a little bit like your passive aggressive email article, but we’ve been on 3 dates and given the flirtiness and responsiveness I don’t see this as a “pissing contest”.  If it’s a ploy to get me more attracted it’s not working, it’s just confusing.  On the other hand if she’s not interested, she should just stop responding and let it run its natural course by fizzling it out.


I’m leaning towards thinking she’s not terribly interested. The commute, as you said, is somewhat of a pain and it’s not like you two can just pop by each other’s apartment’s or make last minute plans. You’re fun to hang out with when she has nothing better to do. As I’ve always said, if both parties want sex, they have it, distance or lack of condoms be damned.

If her schedule is so busy that she can’t make time for you for two weeks, that’s a pretty good indication of how she feels about you. That’s actually  polite way of telling you she’s moderately interested at best. That’s how a lot of people handle these types of situations. Will she hang out with you if she doesn’t get a better offer? Sure. She’s not repulsed by you. My guess is the distance isn’t ideal so she’s keeping you on her roster, as some people are wont to do. She’s not totally ready to dismiss you, as she might have a dating dry spell. But she’s not going to move mountains to get together with you. Her message is mixed and inconsistent. She’s busy…but she totally still wants to get together. You’re right. That’s exhausting to try and decipher let alone deal with on a regular basis.

I think a lot of women tend to believe that the man is supposed to initiate contact and be the one to make plans. That’s a test to see just how interested the man is. The funny thing is, a woman doesn’t even have to be all that interested in a man to make them pass this test. It’s all about the ego stroke. The making out and petting are just empty gestures, much like the post-sex for the first time text or paying a tab. They are things men and women do because they know it’s expected and will grease the wheels of progress, so to speak. If she wanted you, really desired you, she’d have jumped you by now or made it quite clear she wanted to have sex with you.

She’s just not that into you, brah.


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43 Responses to “She’s Just Not That Into You, Bro”

  1. A to the F Says:

    I mean, what’s your goal here? How into her are you yourself?

    If you really like her and want to have a relationship with her, then what Moxie said.

    If you’re cool being friends with occasional benefits and/or you don’t mind being casual and/or just wanna hit it, then keep doing what you’re doing, but make sure the next time out is a Friday so there’s no commute concern.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

    • Howard Says:

      There is always competition, from other suitors or from the activities in which that person is involved. And it works that way for men and women. A real love connection happens when you both vault each other up the priority list. Sometimes there is a wait and see approach to figure out if we want to do that, but generally these things are a gut reaction by the third date. Sometimes we take the chance on a fourth date. If nothing happens then, it’s sometimes best to bail.

      The other thing too, is how quickly the dates happen or frequency of the phone conversations or texts. If someone is texting or calling you fairly often, she may indeed be into you. She may however, be cautious about sex. My current love interest and I must have had five dates before we hit the bed. However that did happen on day 23 after first meeting. That is typically more dates than usual for me, but I took a chance, because she kept texting and calling me, and dates two through five were coming fast and furious.

      We are now three months later, and I often wonder, even aloud, why was she punishing herself like that, given her enthusiasm and great frequency we have sex. She gives me the old school that “she didn’t want me to think lesser of her”. We laugh about it. There are rules, but in the end, it’s your gut that drives things.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

  2. LostSailor Says:

    Mark, you don’t say how old she is, but I’m guessing within a few years of your age.

    You’ve had great dates, she never initiates contact, but is very responsive to your contact and is only occasionally available.

    I could be that Moxie’s right and she’s just not that into you or the commuting times could be a problem. You’re the real judge on how into she seemed on your 3 dates. And it’s only 3 dates.

    But I’m going to go with a different tack: she’s a “The Rules” girl. The “rules” say to never initiate contact, don’t be too available, no early intimacy until there’s some commitment. If she’s now looking for a relationship rather than just having fun–a reasonable possibility given the age I’ve assumed she is–then I think this is reasonable scenario.

    I’d suggest giving it a few more dates. On at least one of them, book a hotel/motel room closer to her place (after all, you don’t want to drive if you’ve–assuming you do–had one too many drinks). This leaves you options at the end of the date. You’ll have to be the judge about whether sex might be on the menu, but I wouldn’t necessarily push it to hard. If she’s not into having you over or staying with you, suggest meeting for breakfast the next morning.

    If you continue with her, you’re going to have to talk this out at some point and decide whether you are going to cut bait or not. Either she’s going to make an effort to be more available and move forward toward frisky time or not. If not, definitely move on.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 7

    • HammersAndNails Says:

      Why in the world would you invite a woman anywhere at all if she won’t stay the night with you with all the time and effort he’s already sunk?

      I’d give her one more shot with a lot more focus towards ending up in someones bed. No matter how it works out you will have your answer and can stop wasting time and energy. It wouldn’t be the first time a woman stopped playing so hard to get after becoming intimate, and if she turns you down, you can move on knowing you gave it a fair go.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 14 Thumb down 19

      • LaMotta Says:

        Not even one more shot… I’d cut off communications and see what she does. The “ball in her court” move.

        Too much effort for too little. You can find a fun-to-go-out-with girl locally.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 2

        • HammersAndNails Says:

          ehhh.. He’s already invested a lot and is likely on the cusp of having sex. Might as well have sex and see what develops. If he doesn’t want to invest any more, than he should invite her over his house for a movie. If she says no, at least he tried. To just cut it off when he has been the one scheduling dates in the middle of nowhere seems silly.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 7

          • Crotch Rocket Says:

            He’s already invested a lot and is likely on the cusp of having sex.
            That’s probably what she wants him to think when she needs a free meal or entertainment, sure. However, she’s not behaving like someone who wants to have sex with him. Time to move on and refocus his energies on a more receptive audience.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

  3. peppermint Says:

    “I’m just not used to behavior like this so I don’t know how to read it. Not interested? Just very aloof? Has a bf so thinks she can ‘back pocket’ me? Leading me on, but getting what out of it?”

    None of those sound very appealing so what does it matter? I agree w/Moxie that if she can’t make time for you “for a few weeks but definitely at some point,” she’s not that interested. Reminds me of the New Yorker cartoon where the guy is on the phone saying, “How about never? Does never work for you?” :-)

    If I were really into a guy and my schedule was particularly jammed, I’d explain why and be more specific about when I could see him again, maybe even suggest a skype call in the meantime.

    If you want to keep your options open, I’d just tell her the ball is in her court and you look forward to hearing from her when her schedule opens up.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 24 Thumb down 0

  4. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    I’m in NYC but this is exactly why I don’t like “distance” dating (another part of Manhattan could be too far for me.) The logistics are off and it’s very difficult to make a natural transition from bar to restaurant to “your place or mine.” When I date someone in my neighborhood, it’s much easier to invite her up after drinks, etc. without grand overtures. Otherwise, if we’ve, say, met in the middle, the date usually ends with me putting her in a taxi and, unless she asks me to join her, I’m pretty much going home alone. Maybe I’m just not so smooth.

    Anyway, this is all personal preference. Lack of initiation and enthusiasm, to me, is THE deal killer. For me, as long as there is some physical escalation, I can tolerate going slow physically as long as she is both responsive and proactive. My “test” with someone like this is simply to stop contacting them after around three dates and let them initiate. If they don’t, then we never speak again. This happens sometimes. Maybe she would have been the love of my life. – too bad, so sad. Maybe she just wasn’t into me. I’ll never know. A lot of times, though, the test works and she will contact me (“hello stranger”) wondering where I’ve been. In that case, I’ll resume as if nothing happened and that usually solves the problem.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 31 Thumb down 2

    • Horace Says:

      I’m also in NYC, and I try to date girls who live off of convenient subway lines :D

      If she’s not off the Q/R, A/C/E, G, F, or L, AND in Brooklyn between Park Slope and Greenpoint or Manhattan south of Midtown, then it’s probably not going to happen. If it’s more than a 30-40 minute commute, then forget it. I’m a single parent with a demanding job, and I’m just too busy. I’m not going to Queens, the Bronx might as well be Canada, and Staten Island might as well be South America.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 5

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      if we’ve, say, met in the middle, the date usually ends with me putting her in a taxi and, unless she asks me to join her, I’m pretty much going home alone. Maybe I’m just not so smooth.
      That’s why I always try to set the third and later dates near her place. Seems obvious. Yes, that means a longer trip for me, but when it pays off, it’s worth it. To paraphrase something ATWYS said recently, don’t give women reasons not to sleep with you.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

  5. GI_JANE Says:

    ASK HER!

    Something like “how come I never hear from you?” if she fails to answer this question and you REALLY like her, give her 2 more tries (like when you figure out when the both of you are free ASK her to pick the place) but if nothing, then call it quits.

    Some women are really conservative and believe that a man should initiate all contact. You might have to ask her directly.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 4

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      This odd concept of “really liking” someone who’s behavior is maddening. What does that really mean? Men and women need to examine their attraction triggers. Seems to me, after three dates, you’re in reality just in the process of gathering information as to whether or not you “really like” them and obnoxious entitled behavior like this, however characterized, is, to me, very clear data pointing in the opposite direction. You’ve put the car before the horse, said the fortune cookie.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        P.S. Knowing when to “cut bait” is a universal human paradox. Countries get mired in endless wars because, well, they’ve already invested years along lots of lives and resources and they don’t want those to be wasted. The best poker players fold a lot of hands – even good ones. It’s the same concept. You’ve invested three dates and feel something. But, you can’t control everything- sometimes you have to just let it go, stop investing further, and deal with the fact that you’ll never know what could have been.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 27 Thumb down 0

      • The D-man Says:

        Well.. this is LA, where people (not just women) are notoriously flaky.

        I would ask her, but not in a needy way, more in a boundaries way: “This is what I expect from someone I’m dating and if you don’t like that, then we are not a fit.”

        Also, don’t do this over text. Call her.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

  6. Matt Says:

    As someone who’s been in that situation, you have my sympathies. It is incredibly frustrating, and if you ever call them on their mixed signals, then they’re likely to feign ignorance and accuse YOU of being obtuse.

    If it’s any consolation, at least she didn’t surreptiously set you up on a play-date with her guy friends because she thinks you don’t have any of your own. (Don’t ask.)

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

  7. D. Says:

    Yeah, sounds like she’s into you, but not THAT into you. You’re fun, you show her a good time, she enjoys your company and the attention…but you’re more of an afterthought. Or maybe she’s currently seeing someone else, exploring where it goes, and back-burnering you in case this other guy fizzles/flakes. That might also explain the lack of sex, if she’s sleeping with someone else and doesn’t like sleeping with multiple people at the same time. Some folks are like that.

    I don’t think this is a “Rules” thing either. That might make sense if she kept setting up dates with you, but you had to initiate contact. Instead, you’re now initiating contact and she’s saying “sorry, not free today, but maybe at some vague point in the future.” That’s not “The Rules.” That’s just back-burnering.

    In the end, though, the real question isn’t why she’s doing what she’s doing. Even if you know the answer — and you likely will never know for certain — you still have to decide how you want to respond to it. If she’s interested but truly unavailable, or if she’s not interested and unavailable, either way she’s unavailable for the time being, so…what now?

    My bet is that if you stop contacting her altogether, you’ll hear from her. Might be a week or two, might be three months from now, but chances are you’ll hear from her and it’ll be a text like “Hey, how r u?” or “How was your weekend?” Not suggesting you meet up, but rather subtly inviting you to do so. And again, it’ll be up to you to decide how you want to play it. If you just want a casual date-and-makeout buddy, go for it. If you want something more, keep looking.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

  8. Speed Says:

    OP, you have been backburnered or put on an “attention/entertainment roster.” You are braving the worst traffic in the country (LA!) like an over-eager schoolboy for a chance to make out. Unless this woman is Kate Upton and/or sex is truly imminent, WTF?! If you can get this woman, you can get another just like her or better. Move on.

    My only caveat is to make sure you are not dating out of your league (yeah, sorry, that old saw again). This woman’s behavior is classic of a “9” who’s toying with a 5-7, because she’s bored and can’t find anyone on her level at the moment.

    Getting burned once is okay, but don’t make it a habit or wasting time and money like this.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3

  9. Novelty718 Says:

    I’m in this situation with a guy now, well I WAS because I told him that having a date/planning a date two/weeks in advance wasn’t what I was looking for.
    We both contacted each other but whenever we talked he was always talking about how busy he is. Since we met he has been busy every weekend. That is fine but don’t say in the course of our conversations that we need to plan something.
    I told him when he has some free time and if he wants to see me he has my number.
    Long commute, busy work week people make time for what they want. Point blank.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

  10. Mark Says:

    (I’m the OP) – thanks guys I really appreciate the input. I feel a little vindicated on my confusion considering the advice is all over the map. To address some questions, LostSailor you hit it on the head she’s a few years older. If I just wanted a casual physical thing I wouldn’t be posting or willing to deal with a somewhat long commute – that’s easy to find in the city with all the luxuries of convenience. Only reason I care is I saw a path to something more. Speed I feel you on the 5-7 to a 9 thing but without getting into details just trust me that’s not the case here. I think most guys can tell when they’re dealing with someone a few notches above them.. Gotta say though what DrivingMeKnutes says makes the most sense to me. Not that I’m comparing this to a war but sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on. If I keep trying I’m already getting killed on the power dynamic, I like scenarios where there’s mutual respect and courtesy if someone is unable to make time.. Although more input always welcome!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

    • D. Says:

      If you’re finding yourself talking about who has the “power” in a relationship, that alone should suggest it’s time to move on.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 1

    • Speed Says:

      Mark (OP), Firstly, I want to apologize for commenting with an unnecessary dose of snark, “the American national religion.” I wrote before I had my morning coffee. Secondly, I want to commend you for reaching out for advice and then truly being open to hearing it—regardless of whether you agree. Most OP’s, if they comment at all, do so in full attack mode against anything they don’t want like. By contrast, you seem open and sincere— rare qualities nowadays. Maybe this woman doesn’t see it but another will, count on it. Good luck to you, dude.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 1

    • LostSailor Says:

      Mark: Normally, I’d be on the same page as DrivingMeNuts when he says that lack of initiative and enthusiasm would call for cutting off, or drastically reducing, contact would be the way to go. But in this case, I got a sense (or perhaps I’m just misreading) that your lady didn’t lack enthusiasm (great dates, making out, responds quickly with flirting when you contact her), she just refused to initiate contact.

      That you confirm she’s in her early 30s only reinforces, to me, the idea that she’s instituting some form of the “rules.” You say you’ve been making the effort here because you see that there might be a path to something more and you like her. Of course, only you can judge whether that sense might be mutual, but women who hit the age where they are looking for something more serious, looking to settle down, with perhaps marriage and kids, will often pull back a bit to see just how serious a guy might be. Yes, it’s a silly little test. Paradoxically, they may pull back more for men they are interested in. Now, I could very well be reading too much into this; you’re the one who has to judge the situation.

      There’s always a power dynamic of some sort at work in relationships, and at some point she’s going to have to step up and demonstrate her interest to you. Which is why I made the suggestion I did above, to give you and her a chance to see if she can do that. If not, then I definitely agree it’s time to move on. You might want to wait until the “2 weeks” are nearly up before you try to contact her again, with a “well, you said 2 weeks, so when’s a good day now?”

      Good luck. Let us know how it turns out.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 4

  11. erine Says:

    With women it’s a bit more difficult to understand whether or not she is interested because a man is generally never expected to play hard to get while some women actually have been conditioned that not initiating any communication with a new guy is the way to go.
    In a way I was the woman the OP described in a sense that I didn’t initiate communication in some of my early dating experiences, including with a man a few years ago whom I was crazy in love with (but still was not inititating communication much and only responded to his in the beginning). So her actively responding to your texts/emails is not a sign of no interest per se. As much as we like to say that a “good” woman will never play head games, etc., some do, including the ones who are not bad to have a relationship (as their “head games” don’t come from a bad place of leading a man on, etc., – but simply from certain type of being pre-conditioned to behave that way). Also head games are only forgivable for women not older than 26 or 27, by then she should have had enough dating experince to know to avoid this type of stuff and to learn what works for a healthy relationship.
    Also I feel that a more attractive and desirable woman is a bit more likely to act a bit aloof in the beginning since she is used to attention, etc. However one must ask himself if he needs that.

    WHAT IS A RED FLAG WITH THE GIRL IN QUESTION is that she uses the commute thing as an excuse to have very sparced dates and to be unavailable to meet. From my own experience, I know that when you are really into someone you will absolutely commute as often as you can to see them, because it’s just something you need. I’ve seen it in the behavior of some men in my past.

    So I think it would be one thing if she just wouldn’t initiate any texts (although a sign of trouble ahead as the woman who really likes a guy but plays aloof is simply immature and you will have to deal with that in othe aspects of a relationship) but since she also doesn’t meet with you that much and the last time clearly told you she is busy for the next few weeks – she POINT BLANK TOLD YOU SHE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU. I am sorry, I know it sucks when you really like someone but it’s not her fault , and it’s not your fault – we can’t rationally fully explain why we dig some people and not others. I can’t imagine being into someone and brushing him off like that.

    So I think you should start moving on and getting used to the idea that there will be nothing with her. Definitely stop contacting her. Even if she will at one point – I wouldn’t meet up with her, I’d just say it was nice meeting her and you don’t think it would work.
    Once again, I was there myself – being in love with a guy but being aloof with the contacting him first thing but that was one of the reasons our relationship fell apart (as this immaturity seeped into other aspects of the relationship) and for me, it was a wake up call that quickly made me learn how to behave in a relationship, especially when you actually treasure it.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 2

  12. Speedy Says:

    This isn’t very complicated. Seems like you live too far apart and its not practical. Whatever the cause, you’ve both been unavailable to each other, its just all going flat isn’t it. Six of one and half a dozen of the other, you’re doing this to each other. It doesn’t always have to be someone’s ‘fault’ or a mystery that needs explaining why these things don’t work out. Sometimes its just how it works out.

    Honestly not sure there is anything else to say or think about that. More to the point really is why you find this ‘exhausting’ and specifically, why you even need an answer or an explanation anyway. Its only been three rather innocuous sounding dates. Personally I’d work on chilling out a bit over stuff like this.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 5

    • Speedy Says:

      So many lengthy comments and yet nobody noticed this bit?

      “After our 3rd date, a few issues came up with our schedules and we haven’t been able to set it up for something more. Every time I’m free, she’s not, and vice versa.”

      Somewherem she was complaining there was this guy, always calling her but when she tried to meet up, he was always busy and what the hell is that about?


      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

  13. India Says:

    Mark/op, sorry, she is not interested in you.

    Not available for the next few weeks? Unless she is the Secretary of State, she is not that busy. She is trying to let you know gently.

    You really like her – hence, you hold down to any little signal of hope. But wait, she always texts back! -> not a sign of interest but rather she just doesn’t want to be rude and ignore you. A text takes zero investment.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 2

  14. Sierra Says:

    She likes you but she doesn’t have the time/energy to make you (or dating in general maybe) her priority, especially since you are far enough away to make it a pain in the ass every time. She’s telling you that she likes you and appreciates it when you reach out, so don’t worry about that and just ask her about the communication and logistics openly. Maybe you’re willing to take more than your fair share of the inconvenience burden and make it work but it sounds to me like she sees this as a major obstacle in the long run that will get in your way. She doesn’t want to put in a level of investment that she wont be able to keep up and so shes holding back. Its not personal, logistics are important.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

  15. offensivedanrerebooted Says:

    I just have to post a comment for this one:

    You have only gone out 3 times in the span of two months and no sex yet? She does not initiate anything?

    Dude, she is not interested in you. I have been through this same ordeal and, based on experience, I can tell you she is not interested in you. A woman who is interested will iniitate at some point. It is like “driving me nuts” suggested, try not contacting her for a few weeks (2 weeks) and if she does not contact you it is over. Walk away. Also, why would you want to go through the hassle of deconstructing to figure out if she is interested. Trust me, you know when a person is interested.

    Finally, even when it comes to a long distance, if a woman wants to have sex with you she will make it happen even if it menas going back to her place or a hotel.

    You are 31 years old and in your prime. Do not waste your time with this woman when there are plenty of others who are interested in you and will clearly show you. Stop with the “oneitis!”

    Also, let me suggest this, always physically escalate. If you are doing the same type of physical intimacy months after you first met–other than sex–something is wrong.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 2

  16. SFF Says:

    Dude, she’s seeing someone that lives closer to her and she is exploring that. You’re a PBF, potential future boyfriend, maybe, but it’s going nowhere right now. She’ll be in touch if her current guy falls out but till then ignore her.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 3

  17. erine Says:

    No, the OP is not a potential future boyfriend while she is exploring someone closer. Dating and feelings are not business relationships where you logically calculate things like that. Once you like someone, you want to see them regarldess of the distance (and you know if you do in the beginning of the first date, and these two had had three dates),especially that in this case the distance doesn’t seem to be a-la New York State-Texas or international, it sounds relatively managable for those who do want to manage it (a.k.a. for those who are into the other person).

    With this stuff, it’s very simple: when we are into a person, there is little that will stop us from trying to develop thigns with them/see them. Trying to make up excuses is the same as when a guy is not interested in a woman but her gfriends tell her that he is in love with her but can’t take it because he is too overwhelmed by his feelings for her so he can’t see her.

    She is not into you, move on.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 3

  18. erine Says:

    In my own experience with the very “busy” NYC men who ran portfolios in finance for example, I know that when they liked me, they found time to see me 2-3 times a week. And when one of them didn’t – I knew it was because he wasn’t into me, and soon enough I turned out to be right. That’s how it works. Every single time.
    The need to see someone you are into is like a drug, you literally crave their presence.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

  19. erine Says:

    Also, there is no shame in missing someone/getting attached to someone after just 2-3 dates. Encounters of the type where you just feel so attracted both physically-emotionally, etc. , happen so rarely that when they do, you start falling for a person very fast and by date two or three you might end up totally smitten. It’s not healthy or productive but it’s how most humans are wired when it comes to these very rare instances.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

  20. Mark Says:

    Thanks again people.. so she’s in town and texted with a hey what’s up (someone, i forgot who, totally predicted that). I asked her are you kidding me and i told her ‘feel free to lose my number’. Well ladies and gentlemen what ensued was a rant of apologies and projected insecurities (are you serious, why are you being like this, etc). I didn’t respond after that other than saying ‘this is the last text i’m going to respond to…’. So that’s that. What’s so funny is that I still have no idea what she was thinking. To be honest, I don’t care. I’m just sorry that any other guy that has to go through this couldn’t get an absolute answer on how to decipher this kind of behavior. Thanks especially to the guys who provided the kind of input that preserves male dignity, and the ladies who called out this behavior for what it really was. Next!

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 9

    • erine Says:

      Well, that’s good. She probably felt a bit confused because of your lukewarm reaction so in a way you had last word. Not that it matters that much but still:)

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      “I asked her are you kidding me and i told her ‘feel free to lose my number’.”

      Ha, she made you blow your stack, eh? Thanks for the update. Here’s what I would have done in the same situation. Since she finally took some initiative (albiet very belatedly) I would have responded to her text proportionately. If she says “hey what’s up” you respond enthusiastically, “Hey, how’ve you been?” Essentially, you do to her what she was doing to you before – all response but no initiation. Pretend there is no problem.

      Your response was disproportionate. If I had really lost interest and I had truly made the decision to move on, I just wouldn’t have responded to her text at all. Your escalation to a big texting fight belied your emotional investment.

      It’s all right, though, seems we’ve all been there.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 0

      • D. Says:


        I found that, when in the same position, if all I did was respond at the exact same degree and pretty much along the same lines, eventually she lost interest in trying to subtly goad me into asking her out again.

        So, if she said “Hey how r u?” and you respond back “Hey, doing well, thanks. Hope things are well with you,” that was often where the conversation ended. Or maybe one or two lines after that (e.g., she’d say “I’m doing well thanks,” I respond “Cool. Good to hear.” A couple exchanges like that, where it didn’t lead to me asking her out, and she got the message.

        This is what I refer to as inviting you to pay attention to her by acknowledging your existence. It’s not really her showing interest in you. It’s her wanting you to show interest in her. That’s different from a woman saying something like “Had a great time, hope we can do it again soon,” with the implication being that you’ll call her to set things up. That, at least, is showing interest, even if it suggests a more traditional dynamic in dating.

        The whole “I invite you to pay attention to me” thing may not be what women intend to convey when they do it, but that’s certainly how it comes across.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

      • Mark Says:

        Good point DMN. I think I made it come across as some nuclear war in my earlier post. It wasn’t actually like that, I did respond to a hey what’s up with a hey. Then the convo proceeded to her telling me she was in town. When she actually initiated the thought of getting together that’s when I pounced. I agree, it was some emotional unleashing, which in hindsight wasn’t the proper thing to do and was probably a little mean. But the meanness was more out of ignoring her and not responding to her questions about why I’m being this way, if i had to be mean I’d rather do it with silence than with mean words. Either way, being mean wasn’t my intention, it was just a result of pent-up frustration and you all egging me on ! =) Like I said though, I realized at a specific point after thinking about all this that there was a point of no return, and that I wasn’t going to let myself fall into this trap of weakness and get treated like a lapdog. That’s so unhealthy and I think as a guy whenever you find yourself in that situation you just have to become a little more self-aware. Once I came to that conclusion what I said or did to make sure I wasn’t interested didn’t matter, what mattered was that that message was sent in some way. I guess I’m playing into the hands of people that will see this as weakness and a need to satisfy ego, but hey I’m human. Nevertheless, I slept great last night and am smiling on this sunny Sunday

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

        • LostSailor Says:

          what mattered was that that message was sent in some way. I guess I’m playing into the hands of people that will see this as weakness and a need to satisfy ego

          Over the top response. The “message” gets across by ignoring her or a simple “sorry, it’s not working for me.” The nuclear option may be ego-satisfying but is indeed weak.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

          • fuzzilla Says:

            Agree with LS, here. Unnecessary drama is a drag on both parties, and it makes me wonder if you wouldn’t have had the guts to pull the plug without some kind of scene making the point for you. As DMN said, we’ve all been there, but live and learn.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  21. Mark Says:


    It seems to me that you assessed the situation and summed it up fairly well – good job.

    In essence: three dates, things went well, distance issue, no real initiation on her part….

    It might be safe to say that you both had ample opportunity to size up the other person. The initial attraction was there and both wanted to see where things went from that starting point. You followed up with the texting bit and received a response along the lines of “kinda busy right now but will keep you in mind.” As things currently stand it seems that she has decided to place you on the back burner. Plain and simple. It might be the distance, it could be a compatibility concern.

    Don’t really know for sure. It could be testing to see your level of interest, attention seeking, actually busy, or just plain reduced interest. Then again, I don’t think it really matters what the reason is.

    Generally, If someone is interested in someone, they generally make the effort to keep up with them, be with them… etc. If someone isn’t all that interested, they simply don’t make the effort. Doesn’t really matter the reason why.

    In essence: To her, you just aren’t a priority right now. You may not even be an option.

    Especially if it’s you who seems to be taking all the initiative in things, especially after the three dates you both had with each other. Sounds like a big clue to me.

    Might just want to leave it at that and go on with things. You seem to have your act together and it’s implied that you don’t have problems on the dating front. Especially in a place as difficult as Southern Cal.

    If so, then go and see other women who enjoy your company and whose company you enjoy. If you hear from her again, you can decide at that time if you feel it’s worth pursuing depending on what you both are looking for and where you want things to go.

    Best of luck.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  22. Valley Forge Lady Says:

    Long Distance does not work unless one party plans to load up the moving van and move. Absence makes the heart grow fonder for someone else!

    Long distance dating is a band aid when there is a dating dry spell. When the local talent show ups….the LDR is over or until the next dry spell.

    Sometimes you just have to pick being alone over being frustrated. Lonliness can end in a minute….frustration sticks around until you get some courage to clean things up.

    Mark ……you are on your way to better things!

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