Article Round Up: How Does Someone Determine How Attractive They Really Are?

February 24th, 2013

Article Roundup, Dating & Body Image

I meant to write about this a couple of weeks ago. There was a great post on XOJane several days ago that focused on the sometimes awkward way men express their pleasure and dis-pleasure about a woman’s body. The essay reminded me of this comment left on my blog over the summer in response to the photo at left.

“I have to wonder why she is hiding her face in a glass of wine. insecure? Problem Drinker? Facially unattractive? From what I see, her forehead is about double the length of a normal female forehead, and so is her chin. Not sure if this is because of skeletal deformities or excess fat. Her eyelids are drooping somewhat, due to age or genes, but neck and hands look youthful if not a little plump.

Arms are way too chubby, and I can’t tell her true figure from the dress and the position she’s standing in, but I suspect her waist-hip ratio is about 0.8-0.9. I would assume she are wearing a lot of spanx to pull in her waist, based on her propensity to carry weight in her upper body. Breasts are too small in proportion to the rest of the body. They are also very far apart, which suggests a large ribcage and back.

Best features are the calves (beautiful), small hands and feet. Although, putting her small (chubby) hands near her face confirms that there is something disproportionate about the size of her head. I would need a picture of her in jeans and without an obscured face to give a better evaluation.

Since she has lost a lot of weight recently, and at the age I think she is (44-48?), her skin will not be so elastic. Although slender is the ideal, I would prefer a fatty who fills her skin than a chubb who is covered in loose skin around her stomach.

Curly hair? As long as its long, healthy and bouncy then I don’t care about the color or texture. The OP needs to grow her hair a little longer as I think her afro look does not suit her, since she is a ruddy-cheeked chubby woman.

If I saw this picture on a dating site, nothing would make me contact the OP, even if she was DTF in that nice apartment and willing to pay for my dinner, drinks and blow all night, then drive me home in the morning.” – Daniel


Then there was this a few weeks ago:

Moxie lost this argument. When she has no defense she brings up PH balance and says since I dont know this, I dont get close to a vagina. Maybe its hard for her to reach hers because her size 10 gut is in the way. More evidence she rarely gets close to a gym. – John


Not to be outdone in the “who can embarrass themselves more when dissecting women’s looks, men or women?” contest, here’s a woman’s opinions on my body and looks:

You aren’t a 6-7. you are a solid 3-4. Slightly less than average. You are an overweight, 45 year old chick who believes she is higher – you aren’t. sorry. I am not 100% wild about my prospects either, so I get it.Time to get with reality, fat chick who is also over the hill! (I am over the hill too though… :/) – Vox

Mind you, I’m not naive enough to think that if I post a photo of myself in a tight dress I’m not going to get commentary of all kinds, including negative feedback. Comments like Daniel’s and Vox’s are par for the course when you put yourself out there publicly. Men who say such things will want to take you down a peg, lest you get too big for your britches. Women who make such comments just want to hurt you so you don’t some how surpass them or succeed where they failed. Both just want to put a woman “in her place” and subdue her.

The bigger issue, to me, is whether or not people should allow the opinions of others to dictate how they feel about their own bodies. Are we capable of ever really seeing ourselves objectively?

Here’s an interesting excerpt from a great Frisky article I read this morning.

I stayed in bed almost until I left. Why did I spent the rest of the night with one partner? Well, my paddling friend was absolutely rapturous about my ass. I have an otherwise slender frame with large, pear-shaped hips/ass and weight gain tends to show just on my stomach. Even though I love my curves on my boobs and butt, I’m less enthused about my belly.  But he didn’t see that: he just saw curves, curves, curves everywhere and made me feel like I have an amazing body.  He couldn’t keep his hands off my ass and hips — and I lapped up the attention. In my normal  day-to-day life, I have mean Internet commenters telling me a couple times a week that I’m fat or unattractive. Those are the poison darts stuck inside my brain. I don’t walk around thinking, I have a great ass. I walk around thinking, Who’ll be able to see past by belly?

While I found the story itself intriguing, what I took away from it was how the reactions and responses from other people seemed to shape how the author felt about her own body and attractiveness. Like I said above, there are always going to be people who voice their opinions if you put certain things out there. Whether you’re naked in the emotional sense on the internet or naked in the physical sense at an orgy, there can be this overwhelming sense of vulnerability involved. Having a tenuous grasp on how you feel about your own body can be dangerous in either situation.

There is also the risk that someone might place too much importance on or give unwarranted credibility to feedback that comes from people who want to wound or seduce you. As I’ve said before, I find most compliments and critiques from strangers to be strategic or disingenuous. That’s only because I think I have an accurate and objective view of my attractiveness and know my audience. I don’t seek out opportunities to have my self-esteem brutalized by a stranger. I also don’t listen to the comments of randos on Facebook or the internet or OKCupid.

None of that is real. Not the positive. Not the negative.

It seems the question is: how does a person determine how attractive they really are?

Does it come from within?

What sort of feedback and reactions are genuine?

How much do the opinions of others matter?

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44 Responses to “Article Round Up: How Does Someone Determine How Attractive They Really Are?”

  1. Adrienne Says:

    All I have to say is…wow. This “Daniel” really took the time to rip apart everything about you? I find it really disturbing.

    • Marshmallow Says:

      Unless this Daniel is Daniel Craig (and even IF) I doubt everyone he meets is blinded by HIS beauty. It’s unnerving that people have to insult others to make a point. Because of that, it is pointless to base your opinion of your attractiveness on what others think -their comments often times comes from a selfish place. You are never going to be everyone’s cup of tea – hell, I’ve read comments on board where people (OK, women!) say Kate Upton is fat.

      • Eliza Says:

        I agree with Marshmallow. Again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And people’s view of what is fat, for instance, varies. For me, I happen to think that Beyonce is heavy…why? because I happen to like the model-like or Kate Moss look – back when she was in the limelight. Not sure why, but that’s my personal preference. But to verbally assault someone with such insults (as Daniel does) is unecessary…and only people who are “ugly” on the inside would do that. I actually feel sorry for individuals like that. They are self-loathers, and probably extremely lonely trolls. Hey–as long as you feel comfortable in your own skin, and proud of how you look, who gives a shit about other people’s opinions. Self-acceptance goes a long way.

    • Miixxy Says:

      that was downright sociopathic. that guy sounds like a PUA. and very self loathing – to take the time to say all that, in detail – i shudder to think how he talks to himself.

    • meh Says:

      that guy is insane. who writes things like that?! the only part he got right was about those sexy calves.

    • Eliza Says:

      Adrienne – People like Daniel – usually rip others apart, because they don’t like themselves. There are judgmental people everywhere. That’s life. Which is why – I agree – when I have been told – by now an ex-boyfriend who used to always say. Opinions are like assholes….everyone has one – and they all stink! yet…I used to tell him. “No, opinions are just that…people’s perceptions”–some are rather distorted. And they don’t all “stink”–just “your opinion stinks most of the time”. Why? Because some opinions, like his – usually stemmed from maliciousness. I once had coffee this this guy friend…who had a laundry list of qualifications for what he wanted in a girlfriend…and therefore, what he found attractive. OK…let’s see. A girl that was fit – that is, about 5’4-5’6 and at 120-125lbs, long healthy flowing hair, no need of makeup–just naturally stunning, very fit, toned, not flabby (at all!), preferably living alone, and with advanced education, great cook kep a nice home, clear skin and beautiful smile. OK…Guess what he was grossly overweight – like by 50lbs, not even with a bachelor’s degree, lived at home with momma at the age of 35 year old or so…and flabby! Those that criticize the most – have the least to offer!

      • Monica Says:

        He has “Shallow Hal” Syndrome:)

        • Chianti_Z Says:

          I couldn’t help myself. That guy Daniel has some serious issues. I can’t imagine taking out the time to write such an critique of someone’s photo. I do hope/know that you ignored that. You’ve recently lost weight. I know how that feels, I lost 24 pounds myself. I’ve kept it off for 9 months. If you’re happy with what how you look, screw ‘em. I think you look fantastic.

  2. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “It seems the question is: how does a person determine how attractive they really are? Does it come from within? What sort of feedback and reactions are genuine? How much do the opinions of others matter?”

    It most certainly does not come from within. A bit metaphysical but you cannot be “beautiful” if other people cannot see your beauty. It is like the a tree falling in the forrest and no one is around to hear it. The very concept of beauty is the judgment of others.

    However, the “opinions” of others are generally irrelevant because, as you say, most people have an agenda of their own. Insults and compliments are designed to make you feel a certain way, not necessary honest expressions of another’s person view.

    So, the only way to “know” your level of attractiveness is how other people treat you – not what they say. If you can’t beat the suitors off with a stick, it is likely you are very attractive. If construction workers whistle at you and make a big scene when you walk by,and scam artists tell you how hot you are and then use you for sex or money, but you otherwise do not get genuine attention from the opposite sex, it is likely you are not that attractive.

  3. Ashley Says:

    I have to wonder about guys like this Daniel character. Are his comments toward the photo a reflection of his own self loathing or is he one of those guys that sees a confident woman in a photo and thinks, “How dare she think she is hot enough to wear a dress like that. No woman needs to think she’s alllll that, let’s take her down a notch.” It is always talked about how women are catty towards each other when it comes to judging the appearance of other women, but that was a prime example of how men also like to swing their claws. Why are women and their looks always the hottest topic for discussion and why do so many people get all riled up about them?

    Anyways, I think one or two comments here and there are unlikely to shape how someone feels about themselves, but it probably takes years of getting a certain constant reaction that has more to do with it.

    • The D-man Says:

      but that was a prime example of how men also like to swing their claws

      Well, maybe on the Internet, but if a guy friend of mine went off on a woman like that in my presence I would think him unstable.

    • Eliza Says:

      I agree with Ashley. I think we all pretty much know – what “attractive” is – even as children. There is always that dorky kid or ugly little girl. But, people in general can be mean by nature. And that starts out early in life…children can be jealous – and can peg someone as the “homely” girl…when clearly she is not…just to rip her apart, and unfortunately if she does believe them, her self-esteem takes a beating. As adults….women can be extremely catty. Men are less that way. I guess growing up – as a teenager, if one does continually get advances from attractive men, and they date often enough…that only confirms that she is attractive. For one, being fat is rarely attractive…society has created certain criteria (based oln what we see in magazines) and the media all over – on what is considered to be attractive. Again, I have found that the ugliest men can be the most verbally abusive. And yes, it’s based on how they feel about themselves. As they say…”Misery loves company”.

      • Chianti_Z Says:


        You hit the nail on the head. Its the ugly men/women that are the most critical. And when I say ugly, I mean ugly on the inside.

    • Raving Lunatic Says:

      I think it has a lot less to do with claws coming out that a pathetic cellar-dweller trying to sound like a big man. I imagine he’s too narcissistic (for no good reason) to realize that it’s clear he’s spent huge amounts of times, years even, fantasizing about his ideal woman, and not five minutes experiencing a real one.

      Beauty is all in the eye of the beholder. What one dislikes, another loves, and every single person has a different set of tastes. Adorable women come in all shapes, sizes and shades, and only a fool expects perfection in all things. They spend their evenings in Mom’s cellar, cruising the net.

  4. Speed Says:

    Contrary to what Oprah or Deepak Chopra say, beauty cannot be self-defined ( “I’m beautiful because I believe in myself!”). However, beauty can be improved through better fitness, confidence, fashion, and so on. We may never have the appearance of pro athletes or movie stars but we should work hard to improve ourselves—not just for dating but for careers, life, and so on.

    That said, there will always be Internet rats, hiding in their dank cellars, who comment nastily on people (while of course declining to put up their own real pictures and stories).

    To hell with those people.

  5. Nicole Says:

    But he didn’t see that: he just saw curves, curves, curves everywhere and made me feel like I have an amazing body.

    I know this was supposed to make the reader happy for Jessica but it had the opposite effect on me. She can’t seem to decide if she likes being sexualized and objectified or not.

    Juxtapose this story with the countless others Jessica tells about creeps and perverts who sexualize her for being open about her sexuality. If the attention makes her feel good about herself then it’s welcome. If it doesn’t, then it’s not.

    I got the distinct feeling from her story that she attended the orgy not for the sexual aspect but to see if anybody would want to hook up with her.

  6. fuzzilla Says:

    I was hanging out with some gals recently and mentioned the South Beach diet and how geeked I was about it. “Yeah, I lost like 6 pounds in a week and a half.” “Oh, but did you gain it back?” “Um, no….it was just this past week and a half….”

    I guess she might have simply been wondering if the diet stood the test of time but it kind of felt like some weird power play. Like “Well, you still look like shit, so don’t go feeling good about yourself, now.” Therapy trained me to spot and not react to shit like that, just think “Ah. Okay. I see what they’re doing and know why this interaction feels bad and weird.”

    • Grace Says:

      Unfortunately, women’s viciousness knows no boundaries. I had a similar experience where I lost about 10 pounds about 15 years ago. While standing in the mirror feeling good about myself and getting ready for a night out on the town, my roommate, and supposed friend, found it necessary to say, ‘yeah but you gained some back right?” I use to think of women as the people I could trust, but now I have a more grown up view and try to build relationships with human beings regardless of gender.

      In terms of beauty being in the eye of the beholder? I wonder about that sometimes. I have always had a conflicted response to my looks. On the one hand, I have been told since the age of twelve by so many people including countless strangers on the street, that I am beautiful. On the other hand, because my looks are closer to what is deemed as unattractive in america – dark skin, hair that is not straight and rounded African features, I am seen as ugly regardless of how those features are put together. Not to mention the fact that I had a mother who was intent on letting me know that I was ugly. In addition to the comments about my beauty, I also get comments from mostly Black men who are ‘broke down’ on the street that I am ‘one ugly woman.’ Or those comments about my being too black come from ‘homeboys’ also Black, who are clearly trying to bring me down a notch because I am clearly an educated, professional woman. White men, stare at me and tell me how beautiful I am, but make it clear to me that I am undate-able to them, but think they have the right to openly appraise my face and body. I was also teased by Jewish boys in my mostly white private school about being too black. Funny that as I got older and yes more beautiful, those same jewish boys started flirting with me and chasing me. I felt so powerful ‘shooting’ their advances down. LOL!

      This conflicted response to my looks use to confuse and wound me. But strangely enough, the last ‘broke down’ black man who called me ugly, didn’t phase me at all. It just made me sad that in America, the farther you are away from white, skinny, young and wealthy, the worse people treat you, or straight up ignore you and the more people feel they have the right to voice those opinions. I am proud of myself that I see it for what it is. And yes, I know that I am not ugly.

  7. Sarah Says:

    Is it wrong that I hope Daniel will get into a tragic, possibly fiery, permanently disfiguring accident that will render him unable to speak, type, or masturbate, and that he is subsequently punished daily by having a conventionally attractive home nurse that is quietly disgusted by him, but who maintains a cool professional distance, despite barely being able to make it out the door each night without shuddering in front of him?

    Rhetorical question — I don’t care.

  8. A Says:

    Daniel’s comments remind me of the Seinfeld episode where a guy tells Elaine her head is too big

  9. Serriasays Says:

    It doesn’t matter what you look like and how pretty you are; someone will ALWAYS insult your looks. Period.

    Just trust me.

    • Chianti_Z Says:

      I was about to say the same thing. People like Daniel would criticize Victoria Secret’s models. When you put yourself out there, you will come across unstable individuals such as Daniel. The guy’s a stone cold nut. I used to let people like that get to me when I was younger. Now, I either ignore, and when in the mood, I’ll mess with them. Some people really are on this earth for entertainment purposes only. LOL

  10. LostSailor Says:

    It seems the question is: how does a person determine how attractive they really are?

    I agree with DMN. One’s attractiveness is determined by the kind of people one attracts. Of course, this type of attractiveness involves the whole package: physical attributes, confidence, and attitude.

    In terms of just physical attractiveness, there are some broad objective standards that are fairly universal, which is why trolls like Daniel can make the kind of comments they do. I don’t completely agree with Speed that beauty cannot be self-defined. Aside from doing what one can to improve one’s body, accepting who you are and how you look breeds the kind of confidence and attitude that inure one to the judgments of others and increases overall attractiveness.

    tl;dr own your own attractiveness and don’t let the trolls get you down…

    • D. Says:

      I think it’s more that there’s a difference between objective beauty and subjective attraction.

      Ever look at someone and think that they’re good looking even if they aren’t your cup of tea? Like, to me, Gwyneth Paltrow is objectively beautiful…but there’s other famous women I find far more attractive. Attraction definitely involves the “whole package” and that also includes subjective preferences on looks.

      So, yeah, you can pretty much tell how objectively beautiful someone is, but whether they’re attractive or not depends entirely on how people respond to them.

      And in the end, it doesn’t really matter how quantifiably attractive you are. The real question is whether you’re attractive enough to attain the results you want. And that doesn’t even touch on whether your also deflecting the kind of results you DON’T want. So, yeah, maybe you’ve got a girl who’s a 7 and a girl who’s a 9, by any objective standards. The girl who’s a 9 may get plenty of initial interest, but is she holding guys’ interest or is she pushing them away because of some kind of personality issue? For that matter, who’s doing all the initial approaches? Is it the kind of guys she wants? Meanwhile, the girl who’s a 7 may not be approached as frequently, but may be far happier with the results she does get because they’re exactly what she’s looking for.

      As for people like Daniel, well…fuck ‘em. They’re assholes, and who cares what they think?

      • D'Alias Says:

        ^^^ Is the best comment so far.

        Re compliments/criticisms: they all hold a grain of truth. But if they aren’t coming from somebody that can do something for us why bother to take them to heart? It’s an extension of “know your audience.” For example, women – especially older women – always told me how beautiful I was. This is nice, but wasn’t helping me any with the men I wanted to date. Lots of people also complimented my youthful, playful look, which is nice but didn’t help me land a high paying corporate position that I never got. Same thing happens to lots of women who are hit on by men they don’t desire (like the construction workers someone else mentioned).

        The insults and nasty Internet comments can also be a little helpful cuz they often contain grains of truth that people who care about you either wouldnt notice or wouldn’t have the heart to say to your face. Like from that monster Daniel’s ridiculously rude and unnecessary comment, Moxie can pull that maybe she SHOULD also include a nice photo in jeans where her face is more visible on her dating profile. I’m sure when her friends saw that pic all they saw was how it showcases her curves (great) & highlited her weight loss efforts. My point is that we can take advice from other’s comments to change what we can to help us project the image to the outside world that more closely matches how we see ourselves on the inside. – – – It can be hard not to get one’s feelings hurt in the meantime but we should try. Usually people who say cruel things to us either want to hurt us or don’t care about us so we should try to limit the impact they have on us. I said TRY cuz it isn’t always easy.

  11. Speedy Says:

    Everyone knows what attractive is, even children who can barely see demonstrate the same preferences as adults for faces. In ‘mating’ it is also very stable, take 100 couples, take 200 polaroids (one of each person), shuffle up the pictures and get people to sort them into order of attractiveness. You’ll find that overall, they not only pretty much agree at a level of 95%, the rank orders of each pile can be used to put the couples back together, Mr #5 will be the boyfriend of Ms #5 and so on. So perhaps the best gauge of how attractive you are is who you’ve ended up with in the past. You’re about as attractive, allowing for personal preferences and issues of supply and demand, as you think they are. If you suspect you can do better, you probably can’t.

  12. Horace Says:

    I can’t even stomach most of the comments so far. The problem with friends, family, and apparently fans is that they’re pretty much going to tell you what you want to hear, and the problem with commenting on the Internet is that people always act like they’re actually their own moral ideal, as if none of the ultra-supportive commentors on this post don’t agree with Daniel on some points.

    Truth is, the opinions of Moxie’s 3 critics were largely subjective, and a lot of Daniel’s is conjecture (the use of spanx) and opinion presented as truth (the proportion of breasts to body), but in a more generalized cultural sense some of it was also spot on. Truth is truth regardless of how much the person delivering it is a dick. It’s an odd photo from the neck up, and I’ll never understand women showcasing their foreheads (but that’s admittedly about my personal tastes).

    That said, she’s wearing the hell out of that dress.

    • Horace Says:

      LOL. People voting down the truth. Haters gonna hate, and they gonna hate the truth the most.

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        They’re not down voting you because of what you said. They’re down voting you because you’re Truth Teller Troll. Yes, you’re the lone brave soul who dared speak “the truth.” If an anonymous rating system on a blog gets you in a lather, maybe you’re not as confident and brave as you think.

        • Joey Giraud Says:

          When you post an outrageous troll, you get an outrage fest.

          And when a community gets it’s outrage on, opinions that deviate are attacked.

          But you knew that.

  13. Carlos Nunez Says:

    This shit is petty. Either you think you’re attractive and act that way, or you don’t. I find people that use “ratios” and the like to judge the appearances of others to be suspect.

  14. Hard ache Says:

    I personally like “my best face” on OKC. Turns out, I’m a solid “little above average” from the pics I’ve posted. All very objective.

    In regards to an earlier comment about shuffling 100 couples in order of attractiveness. The experiment was done. Turns out the results were very consistent… Except in one area. The men just couldn’t seem to decide which men were attractive. Conclusion – men have no clue if they or other men are really attractive. That’s why they think they are all hot and keep going for the women. Apparently it’s good for the species, else nobody would be having sex if no one made the first move. :-)

    • Joey Giraud Says:

      men have no clue if they or other men are really attractive

      Men know. They just pretend to not have a clue so they don’t get called ‘gay.’

  15. Bigjen10 Says:

    Moxie, I just discovered your blog about a month ago and read it religiously now. I think this is the first picture of you’ve I’ve seen, and you’re cute as hell.

    I think the opinions of others matter…positive or negative, they’re hard to overlook or forget (especially the negative ones!). I’m over 6′ tall, so I get all kinds of crazy comments from men and women related to my looks, especially my height. The most entertaining are from very tall men who say they’d never date anyone my height. I just take it in stride – maybe they aren’t man enough for me because they’d feel emasculated when I’m in heels and can look them eye to eye. Or maybe they just think I’m ugly. Whatevs. I think most of us can walk into a crowded room of single people our age and only be instantly strongly attracted to a few of them. And that’s ok. As long as you date someone who you adore and who adores you, inside and out, that’s what matters.

    • Joey Giraud Says:

      BigJen, nice comment. I feel you might appreciate my point of view. I hope so, because I’m going uncomfortably verbose.

      The most entertaining are from very tall men who say they’d never date anyone my height.

      I’m 6’6″, and not-ugly enough to have had the standard bakers-dozen lovers and 2 wives. One girlfriend was slightly over 6 feet tall and I have to be honest, after being with average height women I guess her height did feel weird. You would think, seeing us side by side, that we matched, but I didn’t feel that way.

      I’m being honest with you; her height felt masculine to me. Not intimidating and not ‘ugly,’ but manly.

      It may not have helped that she didn’t have many conventional feminine behaviors; she was rad and contrary and borderline bipolar ( yes I did dig her.. ).

      I’m not the type to say “never,” because if I dig the person, the frame isn’t quite so important. Although I do remember one very smart and sexy actress I met ( I was in the pit band ) who was clearly interested and I would have gone for her except that she was also quite tall and overweight, and hugging her felt like hugging my mother. ( tall and heavy too. ) She was pretty groovy and I’m don’t like to think of myself as petty, so I felt bad about feeling that way about her. Smart women being hard to find and all that.

      My tall girlfriend went on to marry a handsome guy about 5’9″ or so, shorter but not ‘short’. He probably didn’t have the same hangups I have, perhaps because not all women are short to him.

  16. Eliza Says:

    Post photos of Daniel (are there any in cyberworld?)!!!! He must be as gorgeous and fit as Channing Tatum! lol

  17. ivan Says:

    Ok look guys and girls both should work on there looks. I am talking about weight and muscle tone. Anyone who is over weight is considered unhealthy. Noone really wants to date an unhealthy person. Both guys and girls are attracted to a healthy looking body. Working out can be simple. Just think of it as burning calories.

    If I want to weigh 200LBS then I take that number and times it by 11. That should be the number of calories i should eat in a day. that equals 2,200 calories a day. Now I mix in walking on a treadmill at the steepest setting I will burn about 150 calories in 25-35 min. People all you have to do is think your legs hold the biggest muscle. So when you work on the biggest muscle you burn more calories.

    Now sugars stay in the body making fat. Fat is stored energy. We dont need to store fat because we are not cavemen living style days. We have stores that sell food. So a higher protein diet vs sugar diet meaning candy and bread, will help you out. You have veggies mixed in and your health from the nutrients will show on your skin.

    • Eliza Says:

      Ivan – weight is only one factor – in terms of looking attractive. Facially, there are some features that are attractive, while others may not be – and that varies from person to person too. For some, a square face appeals to them, while for others – a more round, or heart-shaped face appears to catch their eye. Beauty is very subjective. Obviously clear skin as opposed to acne, and a healthy mane versus straggly hair that is dry usually is viewed as more vibrant and young, and therefore, more attractive. And also beauty (attraction) is a package deal…when someone is naturally charismatic, and just fun to be around – that makes them that more attractive. Not just about muscle tone. Being in shape is a start, and just part of the big picture. And for women, the standards are set higher – and the pressure is on that much more – to look a certain way. Do all way subscribe to the pressure – no. But for those that do – it’s not just about working out…it’s about maintaining one’s health, nails, hair, feets, skin, teeth, etc., etc. Why do you think plastic surgery is such a lucrative business? Tons of young girls going u nder the knife for breast augmentation, rhinoplasty, chin implants, brazilian butt lifts…in a way, it’s sad, but the pressure is high on women to look a certain way – and in some industries – even moreso. Self-acceptance is actually “peace” with oneself. Just have to meet someone who just sees the “beauty in each of us”. There is no such thing as natural perfection. No gym or workout regimen can create the perfect “look”. It can only optimize what we are born with.

  18. CoolDude Says:

    I think most people, whether they can admit or not, know where they stand on the 1-10 scale. Chances are, if you’ve heard you’re attracted from various different types of partners, you can probably bank on it.

    For guys, there are all the usual cues. If you have women messaging you first on OkCupid, striking up conversations with you at bars, telling you flat out you’re handsome, you’re probably on the higher end. For women it’s unfortunately a little harder due to the fact that desperate drunk men will say just about anything to get laid which can sometimes result in an overweight ape of a woman thinking she’s a supermodel. That might sound harsh but just seems to be the reality of the situation.

    I in no way mean to sound conceited or arrogant but, thanks to some good genetics and bone structure I have been told many a times that I am very good looking. When I was younger I even was approached 3-4 times on the streets of New York to ask if I would be interested in modeling (side note: those are usually agencies trying to get you to pay them money for headshots so…not always the real deal). As a guy, I’ve learned that looks can’t always get you everything and girls aren’t always going to respond to you if you don’t sweep them off their feet immediately. I usually maintain that women with good looks are more successful in the initial phases of dating but, honestly, if she has no substance, she’ll probably be used and left often. I’m sure many guys on here have grown tired of sleeping with an attractive girl who has nothing else to offer.

    On a lighter note, as stated above, I see people of all shapes and sizes being loved, getting married, etc. Sure, it might be a little harder if you’re on the lower end of the scale and getting up there in age but it’s not impossible. And, as also stated, there really is just nothing positive or helpful about tearing down someone’s physical appearance on the internet. It accomplishes absolutely nothing.

    Cheers single people,


  19. meh Says:

    i’ve been thinking about this a lot. last saturday i was at a party where 2 girls hit on me & 2 others were interested & were waiting for me to hit on them but none of them were my type. so i’m not ugly but i’m not a model either. my friends obviously tell me i’m good-looking because they are my friends & some of my exes are good-looking. but who knows. i’ve had my picture posted on the frisky where women called me ugly but on flickr some women called me hot.

    i have no idea how i look or where i fall on a 1-10 scale. 5? 6? it’s very confusing & sometimes you just have to remember that there are people who find you attractive in order to keep going & find that someone where there is a mutual attraction.

    • LostSailor Says:

      meh: If you’re attracting positive attention from the type of women that you want, I wouldn’t worry about where you fall on the SMP scale. In fact, if you’re attracting female attention (and it seems you are) you’re probably fine. However, if you’re attracting lots of attention consistently from women who “aren’t your type,” then those women are aiming higher than themselves on the sociosexual scale while you are doing the same thing.

      If you’re unwilling to accept the attention your getting and want to score the hotties, then lose the insecurity over your appearance. Be confident you’re attractive enough, dress well, and get some game.

      • meh Says:

        i’m actually seeing someone who is my type which is why nothing happened at that party. i was just answering the blog question by saying that if someone isn’t at one of the extremes on the 1-10 scale you can receive a lot of conflicting reactions. and for people somewhere in the middle, like me, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.

        but i agree with you that people need to “Be confident you’re attractive enough” which is why i said “sometimes you just have to remember that there are people who find you attractive in order to keep going & find that someone where there is a mutual attraction.”

  20. Lele Says:

    Wow! People really like to nitpick. She just has a different body type, with its own harmony. Not every woman has toothpick bones.

    As for the question “How Does Someone Determine How Attractive They Really Are?”, the answer is only one: your attractiveness is bound to the number and quality of people in your “target market” that find you attractive. Period. I scoff every time I read of people – usually women – who qualify themselves as attractive while lamenting that nobody pursues them.

    Your attractiveness is also bound to your environment: you can be a hot thing in one environment and the bottom of the barrel in another. As salespersons say, go where your customers are.


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