Question: I’ve been seeing someone for over a year now, nearly two. We got into an argument the other night, and something stands out to me that I don’t know really – and this sounds stupid – how to understand it. “You’re more invested than I am, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I don’t want to break up.” I’m getting all kinds of warning bells that are telling me to hang on, because this doesn’t sound good. Help?
I don’t think it’s atypical for one person to be more invested than their partner at any given point in a relationship. The issue for me is that he verbalized this thought to you. To me it seems like he’s trying to tell you something.
There’s a big difference between “I’m really happy and can’t think of what life would be like without you” and “I don’t want to break up.” The former is an expression of genuine commitment and emotional investment. The later, to me, is a lazy way of saying you could take the relationship or leave it.
Wherever this guy stands, he’s telling you that your level of investment is a cause for concern for him.That’s all I get from this. Like I said, you didn’t share much about this other than the statement itself. Without the whole conversation I can’t really tell what this guy’s motivations are.
For the most part I think men say exactly what they mean. When they utter something that leaves us trying to decode or decipher it, that usually indicates that they’re trying to broach a topic that makes them uncomfortable. They’re trying to say something without actually saying it. Whatever the subject is, it’s one that they fear will create unnecessary drama and conflict for them. They dance around what they actually mean hoping the woman will figure it out and solve the problem on her own. It’s a bad combination of diplomacy and cowardice. In general, if you find yourself trying to figure out the hidden meaning of a statement, that means that you know on some level there’s a message in the sub-text.
I would suggest asking him to expand on what he meant when he said that you were more invested than he was. That’s the only way you’re going to know what he really meant.