Name: Dana
Age: 27
State: Michigan
Question: I’ve been seeing someone for over a year now, nearly two. We got into an argument the other night, and something stands out to me that I don’t know really – and this sounds stupid – how to understand it. “You’re more invested than I am, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I don’t want to break up.” I’m getting all kinds of warning bells that are telling me to hang on, because this doesn’t sound good. Help?
I don’t think it’s atypical for one person to be more invested than their partner at any given point in a relationship. The issue for me is that he verbalized this thought to you. To me it seems like he’s trying to tell you something.
There’s a big difference between “I’m really happy and can’t think of what life would be like without you” and “I don’t want to break up.” The former is an expression of genuine commitment and emotional investment. The later, to me, is a lazy way of saying you could take the relationship or leave it.
Wherever this guy stands, he’s telling you that your level of investment is a cause for concern for him.That’s all I get from this. Like I said, you didn’t share much about this other than the statement itself. Without the whole conversation I can’t really tell what this guy’s motivations are.
For the most part I think men say exactly what they mean. When they utter something that leaves us trying to decode or decipher it, that usually indicates that they’re trying to broach a topic that makes them uncomfortable. They’re trying to say something without actually saying it. Whatever the subject is, it’s one that they fear will create unnecessary drama and conflict for them. They dance around what they actually mean hoping the woman will figure it out and solve the problem on her own. It’s a bad combination of diplomacy and cowardice. In general, if you find yourself trying to figure out the hidden meaning of a statement, that means that you know on some level there’s a message in the sub-text.
I would suggest asking him to expand on what he meant when he said that you were more invested than he was. That’s the only way you’re going to know what he really meant.
You are seriously going to give us one line, completely without context? When people leave out this much of the story I become extremely suspicious of the story teller.
Care to fill us in? What was the argument about? What was your position? What was his? Who brought up the topic of “investment”? What did you say to him that prompted him to reply with what he said?
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“For the most part I think men say exactly what they mean. When they utter something that leaves us trying to decode or decipher it, that usually indicates that they’re trying to broach a topic that makes them uncomfortable.”
Or that is something you are doing and they still mean exactly what they said.
Personally I think that is the case here actually.
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She’s not referring to misreading thanks to magical thinking but when men intentionally say vague shit because they don’t have the guts to be more direct. Sometimes men really, literally say things like “I’m afraid to love you” or “I don’t want to get hurt” or whatever when the truth is “you’ll do for now, but I’m holding out for someone better.” The dude could just say “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” to get the same message across without being cruel or deliberately obtuse.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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But he wasn’t obtuse, he said something very clear and direct that is easy to understand.
Not seeing the problem.
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On reflection I think the mistake here is confusing
(i) someone saying something that is hard to deal with
vs.
(ii) someone saying something that is hard to understand.
I think what he said is perfectly clear and easy to understand and quite likely to be the truth. If you want something else, as Fuzzilla suggests, that isn’t because you don’t understand what he said, its because you want him to say something that is easy to act on (…even though it may not accurately reflect what is going on).
I definitely agree its a bit of a hand grenade to deal with and it isn’t a feeling that is often expressed, although I do think it reflects a fairly common experience particularly when the other person is putting pressure on you for more commitment.
We don’t know the circumstances but my guess would be he is saying “I’m as committed as I can be after a couple years”, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that or anything being hidden.
I don’t think it necessarily spells doom either, for all we know (speculation) this is the voice of reason here explaining why marching down the aisle and having a load of kids in the next year when they’ve only spent one or two Christmases together might not be the optimal strategy. But see Fuzzilla, that is very far from saying “I only want a casual relationship” isn’t it.
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The only point I was really trying to make was to back up Moxie’s point that if a guy’s communication style is vague and makes you uneasy, that’s a sign he’s not ‘fessing up to something. It’s a bad sign, yes, but you’re not crazy to feel confused when someone’s behavior is confusing.
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Sometimes men really, literally say things like “I’m afraid to love you” or “I don’t want to get hurt” or whatever
Have men really actually ever said those thing to you? Wow. Either they were completely spineless dweebs and probably meant it literally or you gotta get a better class of player…
I agree with Speedy. They guy referenced in the post seemed pretty direct.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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“Have men really actually ever said those thing to you? Wow. Either they were completely spineless dweebs and probably meant it literally or you gotta get a better class of player…”
I’ve heard similar lines “I don’t deserve you” and “I have a hard time being in a serious relationship” from past boyfriends. Sure the language is straight forward but the sentiment tends to lead women to draw other conclusions. In both cases I knew those lines were used to prep their exit plans. People who want you in their lives don’t make vague statements like that.
I agree with Moxie that guys who make vague statements do so because their uncomfortable or not ready to deal with the situation at hand – it’s their way of regaining control and massaging things back to a place their OK with until they are ready to deal with issues head on.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Dana, you seem to be obsessing on two short sentences rather than the context, without which no one can provide any reasonable response. But, of course, that rarely stops me wading in with an opinion of astoundingly perceptive analysis.
If you’ve been clingy lately, more possessive of his time, or feeling insecure about the strength of his commitment, what he’s telling you is to chill out. In that, he’s saying exactly what he means. He loves you, he doesn’t want to break up, but there is a danger that your possessive behavior could drive a wedge between you.
As for Moxie’s question “do men always say exactly what they mean?” the answer is yes, mostly, but it depends on the context. If you ask a man if your jeans or dress makes your ass look fat, he’ll mean what he says, but it’ll be a lie. No, your jeans/dress/ass is fine (though the proper response in this case is “oh, sure, blame it on the clothes!”). In other contexts, men will definitely try to deflect a direct reply because they don’t want to deal with whatever you’re talking about. This often happens at the start of arguments, because he really doesn’t want an argument, but once things start to get more heated, yes, he does mean what he says, even if he has regrets about saying it later.
Most men, if they don’t want to mean what they say simply won’t say anything at all…
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Thumbs up or thumbs down don’t matter. That’s the word.
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Tend to agree with sailor about this one.
A slight twist on the non answer answer-it could be a situation/point that no matter his answer, he can’t win. IE “honey, does this dress make me look fat?” If you are expecting the PC answer, then OK. If you get another answer, don’t be surprised. Depends on the guy.
Broader note to the OP: If you have been going out with him for a year, and this one line crops up, and that’s what you are hanging the notion of “getting all types of warning bells,” then you are leaving a whole lotta other stuff out or you are over reacting.
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It could be that he said something that has been eating at him but did not want to elaborate on it. The question is did he say much more than that? if he gave you a one liner, then it is something you need to pay attention to. Sometimes people will feed you a little at a time.
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well ladies you want to have a man that gives you a challenge well here you go. See woman want a guy that will not give in easy. so for some strange reason this woman wants this guy even more when he says things like this. If he was to say I love you and want to be with you every second a woman gets turned off and wants another man. So what this guy is saying and doing is just fine. All guys should be this way trust me woman will get weak at the legs for this.
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uhhm, if all you want is a power game! I think it’s more to do with timing. If you said it in the beginning, you’d be going too fast, and of coarse we’d bolt! It’s the same as when a woman asks where the relationship is going, and you jet met her! But if it was said later on, it would be meaningful! However if this guy, after over a year is saying you are more invested than I am…could that indicate clearly that he hopes she can accept that he is not considering marriage as an option for the future? It sounds to me like he is comfortable, and maybe if something better came along he’d take it, but he’s not striving to make this relationship go anywhere. Too much power might make a person take you for granted.I would suggest instead of talking to the guy, do a little test. start slipping away a bit, and see whether he gets nervous and pulls you back, or if he lets you go. If you drift away and he isn’t pulling you back in….then keep floating away.
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Men do not say exactly what they mean. No one says exactly what they mean. There are three components to communication: (i) the words you say, (ii) your intended communication and (iii) your audience’s understanding. A “perfect” communication is where the three things are exactly congruent but that virtually never happens. Exceptions would be those primal, excited utterances like “Fire!!” or “Help!!” In general, the more complicated the idea being communicated, the more divergent the three components. I would link to the Internet site for this concept but, unfortunately, I made it up.
For me, the most important compenent on which to focus is numbers 2, and 3 – the intended communication, and how its understood. Even a so-called direct and “brutally honest” person who supposedly “says exactly what they mean” is still communicating something other than their words. That is why, for example, they are called “brutal” – too much honesty often communicates a lack of care or respect. If you care about a person, you sometimes use words to avoid hurting their feelings. If you don’t really care, you are likely to be more “honest.”
I’ve said “I think you’re more invested in this than I am” to women more times than I can count. It’s a bit cold. When I say it, it either means “I’m ready to stop seeing you today,” or “I’m fine with the way things are but I don’t want anything more, and you should stop asking/expecting it” or somewhere in between. Because I know how my words will likely be understood by the woman, I would never say something like to a woman with whom I truly loved or wanted something serious to develop.
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If I heard a version of “you seem more invested than me, but I love you and do not want to break up” I would likely assume the man in question finds it convenient to be in a relationship with me and has a level of comfort but could quite easily trade me in on a new model. I might take that as a sign to disengage a bit especially if it was the case that I was mor einvested. Once somebody acknowledges some sort of imbalance in feelings/intentions then problems are sure to follow.
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I agree, but I would also add a cautionary note — men are not emotional creatures in the same way women are. This guy may not have really yet processed his feelings for this woman; he may not fully realize how invested he is or how much the relationship means to him. If I were this woman, yes, I shouldn’t feel comfortable with his statement, but I wouldn’t jump to any conclusion that he was shopping for someone new either.
In fishing, you can sometimes reel in a fish right up to the boat, but if you don’t set the hook then and there, you lose the fish when you try and haul it in. If he isn’t invested in what, two years now, maybe he feels there is something “missing” about the woman, but I’d consider that maybe she is the one that needs to step up and make him realize that she is the right one to walk with down the isle.
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What I mean by that is that there is a wide chasm between girlfriend material and wife material. She may be doing all the right things to be a great girlfriend, but oblivious to demonstrating the right things that would indicate that she’d be a great wife. At 27, there is a chance that she is still immature, selfish, and got that whole “princess” thing going on. If I was her, I’d take a self inventory of what she brings to the table and determine if she needs to be more of a partner than girlfriend before concluding anything about him and his intentions.
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There is so much assumption in this comment.
I suggest the op comminicate directly with her partner. Realize feedback from those who don’t know your situation are often just a reflection of the commenter’s regrets and insecurities. May not have anything to do with you situation.
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You make a good point. I do appreciate that men do not process emotions in the same way but the fact that he verbalized it to her suggests he is offering a warning. He might think that he is more invested but not share the information. Two years is long enough to draw some conclusions unless there is career or financial instability in play. People often say exactly what they think and the recipient of the message just does not want to hear it or over analyses it to justify reaching a different conclusion. I know I have done that in the past.
It depends on what her goals are. If she wants to wrap this one up and move toward marriage, he is not on the same track. If she is less concerned about a definitive future then she could put some effort in but why knock yourself out when the end goal if to get the other person to be as invested as her? In writing the letter she is reflecting doubts. And like many others I am imposing my own history on a thin outline. I would be evaluating much much time I really wanted to put into this one. She admits hears warning bells. Most of the time the warning bells are accurate.
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I’m impressed by the “men usually say what they mean” comment. Women seem to have a great deal of difficulty with this concept.
I used to regularly go through arguments — I mean conversations — with my ex-wife where I would tell her what I was thinking about some subject, and then she would insist that this was not what I was thinking, and that she could tell this based on the “look on my face” or some such vague information. Very often she did this in cases where I had absolutely no reason to lie. Once when she insisted that she could tell what I was thinking from the look on my face, and I said that this was not correct, she replied that she knew that I was lying when I said she had guessed wrong — and she could tell I was lying by the look on my face!
Women seem to routinely look for subtle clues in a man’s body language, facial expression, reading between the lines of what he said, etc etc, instead of just listening to what he says. I can understand this in cases where he has an obvious reason to lie, like if you ask him “Have you been having an affair with Sally?” or “Have you been drinking again?” But I suggest you at least start with the assumption that he means what he says, until you have some reason to believe otherwise.
Here’s a tip: A man’s face can tell you a lot about what he’s thinking. Especially the mouth part of the face.
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