Name: Lisa
Age: 24
State: New York
Question: So, I love my boyfriend, but we’re from two completely different backgrounds. I’m biracial and from a single-mother family and I know how to hustle. He’s from a nuclear, anglo-saxon family and is pursuing his passion of being a freelance/business-owner of his recording engineer studio.I wouldn’t dare break up with him A) not because I fear being alone or B) because I’m annoyed/over it/out of love, but I’m having a hard time communicating my need to propel things forward. I don’t even believe in marriage, but in terms of moving in together, etc. He always seems like my urgency to talk about it is unwarranted and I don’t want to rush into anything at all, but if we’ve been together for 3 years (I’m 24 and he’s going to be 26 in June), when is it obvious that two people can’t communicate/work together/don’t have the same views and goals in life?
I think some people need to mark the progress of a relationship via gestures and milestones. Moving in together is a tangible thing you can point to so you can tell yourself that things are headed in a certain direction. I’m old school about living together. For me, living together means we plan on being together for a very, very long time. Maybe even permanently. Do you see that kind of future with this guy you’re dating? If not, then why be in such a rush?
You sound like you want the grand gesture just so you can prove to yourself (and probably some of your friends and family) that the relationship is going places and he’s not taking you for granted. At the same time you appear to be conflicted about you actually feel about him and the relationship.
I know a guy who, at 31, has already lived with 3 or 4 different women. (FYI? He cheated on his last two girlfriends a mere month or two after moving in with them.) For as long as I have known him he has always hopped from relationship to relationship, barely having a month or two of actually being single. He moves in with them at pretty much the same point in the relationship: around the 8 month mark. A couple of years ago he broke up with his GF of about 3 years, that he lived with for 2, and started dating someone 3 months later . She was almost 10 years younger than him and mere weeks out of her teens. A year later they were engaged. Now, everything about this situation seems like one collective red flag to me. That’s only because I know certain details. To the outside world, I bet people look at that and think it’s romantic and wonderful and wish those two kids all the luck in the world. Me? I see a guy who can’t be alone and who has a pretty flexible definition of commitment who was in a rush to lock something down before the girl matured and learned to know better.
If he is unwilling to have these conversations with you, then you either need to change your approach or accept that he does not feel the same urgency you do. Now, does that mean he doesn’t love you? Not necessarily. Not everybody feels the need to make it official, so to speak. It sounds to me like you do. My first suggestion is to really be honest with yourself about what you want and why. Do you need to prove something to yourself? Do you actually see long-term potential in this relationship? Despite what you say, do you fear being alone?
Signs of incompatibility having to do with goals and values and communication styles usually crop up pretty early on in a relationship. If this is the first time you’re actually noticing the potential incompatibility then it sounds like you and he have out grown each other. In that scenario I mentioned above, I honestly believe the reason why he proposed to that girl when she was barely 21 was because he feared she’d eventually out-grow him. You started dating this guy when you were 21 or so. Now you’re approaching your mid-twenties. What worked at 21 maybe doesn’t work at 24. What is it that you really want out of this relationship? More importantly…what do you want out of life? Does a relationship fit into that picture? These are the questions you need to ask yourself.
Sometimes it’s as simple as you and your partner are no longer compatible. Isn’t it better to determine this before you live together than after? Maybe you were on the same page once. Time has a way of changing things and changing people.
A 26 year old guy in NYC might not see marriage in his immediate future. Men often (not always but often) want to have the security of being able to financially support a family before they get married. If he is trying to get a fledgling business off the ground, then he might want to focus on that for a few years, and then settle down and get married and have kids when his business is established and profitable.
This is a tough situation since it is possible that he loves you, and you are the most important person in his life but he just isn’t ready for a commitment, or he might like you, enjoys spending time with you but doesn’t think he ever wants to marry you – he just enjoys dating you and will break up with you when he is ready to find a serious relationship. And in both cases he might be saying the exact same thing – telling you how much he cares about you, and just asking for a little more patience. At 26, he might not even have enough dating experience to know if you two are compatible enough to get married.
But if you are spending all your time waiting for a ring, you will become disappointed with everything your boyfriend does. A nice birthday dinner and gift will be a letdown because its not a ring. Same thing at Christmas. And your anniversary. And all of that bitterness eats away at a relationship. (I don’t know if your unhappiness is this strong, but I’ve certainly been there and it is a very bad place to be) So although I don’t know exactly what is happening in your boyfriend’s head, I know that if you are miserable without a commitment, then you need to walk away before your unhappiness destroys you and your relationship. He may come after you when he is ready but in the meantime you can move on with your life.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
11 
0
It’s obvious when it just…is…that a relationship has run its course. Everyone will have their own defining moment, but once you have it, one thing is certain: you will no longer be satisfied with the current relationship as long as you hang on to what you know you’ve already moved beyond mentally / emotionally. Moxie’s dead on, OP. Whatever you choose, good luck to you. I wish you well.
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
Lisa: You guys are both still quite young. What’s your rush?
You use words like “propel” and “urgency” to describe moving in together. If he thinks your “urgency” to talk about moving in it’s probably because you’re pressing too hard. It seems like you two are talking, so I don’t get how this translates into not being able to communicate, work together, or have the same views and goals in life.
Given the fact that you state you don’t even believe in marriage–if true–kind of indicates that moving in together is the the near equivalent of marriage.
Sorry to say, but I see this as you trying to “hustle” him into a stronger commitment by living together to lock him down. He probably sees it, too.
I don’t agree that he’s necessarily not into you or the relationship or has “outgrown” you, especially if he’s focusing on building a business. But Moxie’s on track about you needing to seriously ask yourself why you are pushing to move in together.
And I’m sure there are other issues missing from your letter, such as is it you moving into his place, him moving into yours, or getting a new place. Having someone, even if you love them, move into your space is stressful. Moving in general is stressful and it might not be his highest priority at the moment, but that doesn’t mean it’s not on his radar.
If he hasn’t said he’s not interested in living together at all–and you never indicated he did–why not try to set a timetable for moving forward toward this goal?
Like or Dislike:
4 
0
The OP is clearly at a point in her life and relationship where she is experiencing some level of uncertainty about her relationship; she wants a clear sign that it is going somewhere. She mentioned the fact that she and her bf are from different ethnicities and she was raised by a single mother. To me that’s a clear concern that she has about him choosing to be with her down the line. I doubt the guy is even aware of this happening. As some people already stated, unresolved, this concern will drive a wedge in their relationship as more time passes without a clear direction. What stands out the most to me is his seeming unwillingness to have a clear and open conversation about their future (I am assuming here). If that is the case this relationship is already heading in the wrong direction. Even for early 20s 3 years is a long time, at the very least the two people should be able to sit down and openly talk about their future together, as in what they want and see for themselves and the relationship down the line and their general concerns. “when is it obvious that two people can’t communicate/work together/don’t have the same views and goals in life?” When it consistently doesn’t happen and there is no genuine attempt at making it happen. It’s pretty simple. And by now, you should already know what his current views and goals in life are and if they are compatible with yours. If you don’t know after 3 years, then there is a clear lack of communication. Not a good sign. Your goal right now should not be about moving in with him, it should be about having an open and honest conversation about your relationship. Good luck.
Like or Dislike:
1 
2
“I don’t even believe in marriage”
Does he know this about you? I know this about you & would never move in with you. you don’t believe in forever. (yes i know statistically it’s unlikely) but that’s not the point. the point is believing in a future so that you will build one. which is what marriage means to a lot of people. it probably means that to him based on his background. he may not want to move in with you if you view all relationships as eventually ending. his life goal may be marriage but if he knows yours isn’t then it makes perfect sense that he’s not in a rush to become more involved with someone who is already planning on leaving him.
Like or Dislike:
5 
3
Very different backgrounds, you love him and been together for a few years and really don’t want to break up….
You care about this. Otherwise you wouldn’t be feeling the sting about writing about it.
This isn’t about growing apart, because you both had attraction from the onset. It might be more about long term compatibility. Testament that you have been together for a few years. It seems then that the question is where do you both go from where you are currently at.
No stock answer to that one. Wish there was…but there isn’t. Maybe you just want to know where you stand.
If so, then you might want to find out.
One way or another.
If so try not to do it in a way that seems like an ultimatum. Because if you do, then he will feel pressed. Still you seem smart enough that you can do so in a way that will help you answer your questions without forcing him to the wall yet still helping you decide matters.
How he answers and the way he answers will help you decide what you might want to do for you
Is it attraction vs. compatibility? Don’t know. You two are the ones to decide that one. Just be prepared for any outcome.
Hope it works out for the best.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Gosh, it’s so easy. It seems pretty clear that you’re both not “in it” for what ever the other’s “it” is. You both should be jumping at the opportunity to take the next step without regret for it to work at any appreciable level. I’d move on.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
It’s simple! I gather from what you said that you two haven’t actually fully discussed moving in together. Maybe you bring it up and he changes the subject or says you’ll talk about it later and never do. Here’s the ultimatum – you must have the discussion with him. That’s very different from saying you have to move in with him, & make that clear to him as well. If he is unable to even DISCUSS it with you, then you only have two real options – either accept the fact that you’re in a relationship with communication issues, and a be ok with that, as well as be okay with continuing the relationship as-is, without cohabiting; OR realize that you’re not okay with the relationship as-is and move on to what you want out of life.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0