Are City Singles More Attractive Than Suburb Singles?

Name: Chris
City: Nutley
State: NJ
Comment: Any ideas on how to meet single girls in the suburbs? I don’t meet anyone through my job and the people I meet in the different activities I try, like co-ed sports, are already in a relationship. Then the only ones who are interested in me on the dating websites are the overweight women – which is the exact opposite of me. I’m athletic and active. Also, I’m white, and it seems like women of other races are interested in me, but white women are not. I don’t get it.
Age: 35


My opinion is that, if you can’t find anybody online that you want to date, you’re probably not going to find them offline, either. When you use online dating you are literally surrounded by single, eligible people. If you go to a bar or a sports group or some other activity that isn’t singles related, you have no idea who is available. With online dating, you do. If you can’t manage to find or attract anybody to your liking when you’re online, there’s a disconnect. It all comes down to perception. If you go around thinking that there’s nobody out there to your liking, you probably won’t ever find them. So the first thing you need to do is change your attitude.

Then the only ones who are interested in me on the dating websites are the overweight women – which is the exact opposite of me.

When you say overweight, what exactly do you mean? Like, severely overweight or, like, 10 or 20 pounds overweight? Because if you’re one of those people who refuses to date someone even slightly overweight, you should really just stay home. You should also take a reality pill. Unless you are objectively hot, you don’t get to insist upon only dating women of a certain body type. If you can’t manage to meet or find anybody to you liking anywhere, you’re either too picky or not as attractive/engaging as you think. It’s that simple. Someone slightly over weight (to you) can still be quite healthy and fit. I’m a size 10. I probably weigh about 155-160 pounds. I do intervals/run 3-4 times a week and, for the most part, stick to a diet of 1400 calories a day. I’ve had doctors comment on my immune system, my heart and my lungs. I have great skin and hair. Someone not a size 4 or 6 can be fit and healthy. Some people just don’t have the genetic make up that allows them to be a smaller size. Please don’t say that women with some extra weight aren’t healthy and that’s why you won’t date them, as fitness is really important to you, because that’s crap. You want a thin woman. That’s fine. You’re allowed to have your type. Just don’t justify it with a bunch of BS.   Also? Based on your other admission about never hearing from white women, you just might be a tad ignorant. Preferring to date someone of a certain race is one thing. Expressing it as you did is another.  That is suburbanite simplicity at work. I’ve said this many times before, the City Single mentality is very different from the Suburb Single mentality. There is a simpleness to people that live in suburbs that people who live in cities simply can not jibe with.

The slender and in shape women you seek? They’re going for guys in Manhattan. And they’re getting them. They’re not looking for Suburb Guy. They want City Guy. I’m going to throw this little theory out there. I think City Singles are more attractive mentally and physically than Suburb Singles.  City Singles are more concerned with their looks because they are surrounded by other attractive people. Walking down the street in a major city is a constant reminder that there is always someone younger, richer and hotter. Hence why people in the city tend to pay more attention to the external. We are always being exposed to what else is out there and are starkly aware of who our competition is.

If meeting someone fit and active is important to you, then you have to create a dating profile that makes that clear. You need to discuss, without going over board, how you stay active and healthy. You should post pictures of you involved in activities or outdoors. You’re never going to be able to prevent people who aren’t your type from contacting you. You have to just accept that pretty much everybody online thinks they’re better looking than they are or are willing to throw a bunch of darts at a dartboard. That’s online dating. If you can invent a filter that will stop messages from people you don’t find attractive from hitting your inbox, email me. Until then, you just have to accept that online dating involves slogging through a lot of people that don’t interest you. There is no avoiding that.

I would not make any kind of statement in your profile about only wishing to meet women of a certain race or ethnicity. That makes you sound ignorant and possibly racist. Same goes for including a disclaimer in your profile that you only wish to hear from petite/slender/slim women. You’ll end up turning off a large majority of the people you wish to meet.

Chris, if you only wish to date slender women, my suggestion to you is to look towards Manhattan.I believe you are more likely to meet a slender, fit and active women in Manhattan than you will in Nutley, New Jersey. Go ahead. Flame me and call me an elitist. You’ll hardly be the first.

As for why so many women of color contact you, I’ll leave that up to women and men who fall in to that category to offer insights.

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51 Responses to “Are City Singles More Attractive Than Suburb Singles?”

  1. DatingNoob Says:

    Your question isn’t “How to meet single girls in the suburbs?” It is “How to meet good looking, athletic and single white girls in the suburbs?” The answer: Move to Manhattan and they will come to you. North Jersey is filled with very attractive single ladies and most of them either work or play in Manhattan or both. That’s just the hard cold reality of it; you can either love it or hate it, either way it is not going to change anytime soon. I am going to beat an old drum here and encourage you to expand your networks and do new things. So you meet unavailable women at your sport activities, do you let them know you are single and looking? I would find it hard to believe that none of them have single friends with whom they would set you up with. Unless of course they don’t think high enough of you, in that case you got bigger problems.

    • D. Says:

      This. Those coupled people you meet? They know single people. Make new friends. Enjoy yourself. Relax.

      That or move to the city.

      • Matt Says:

        “Make new friends.” Life is not an episode of My Little Pony, and friendship is not the magic solution to everything.

        • D. Says:

          You’re right. Sitting at home sulking is much more effective.

        • fuzzilla Says:

          Jesus, why does that advice always make you so angry? It’s not implying the person doesn’t have friends, just saying it’s a numbers game and connections can improve your odds.

          • D. Says:

            Exactly. Not to mention, you might actually, I dunno, have fun in the process.

            • Matt Says:

              Guess what, some people don’t have a desire for more friends. They might not have a lot, but then, they don’t need a lot. So, when people suggest “make friends” for dating, you’re suggesting they be deceitful in order to exploit people for their personal gain.

              • India Says:

                If you have a hard time making and keeping friends, frankly the same personality traits are probably keeping you behind both socially and romantically. Working on your social skills through a network of friends can be a very positive start if you are someone who consistently struggle with your romantic relationships. You really lost me at the “deceit” part – not sure how in many way making friends is automatically deceitful.

                • Matt Says:

                  If you make friends not because you want friends but because you think that will improve your dating prospects, then yes, that’s kind of deceitful, isn’t it?

                  • fuzzilla Says:

                    Yes, but what kind of sociopath does that or suggests that others do that? If I make a new friend and they don’t introduce me to some hot dude who’s perfect for/hot for me, of course I don’t view the effort as a “failure” or a waste of time. Jesus Christ. People are not vending machines designed to provide you with goods and services. If you view the “make friends” advice in that light, that’s on you.

                    Sure, it’s a crap shoot that it will lead to anything romantic, but no one’s saying to put all your lookin’ for love eggs in the “make friends” basket. I really think it would be ideal to meet someone through friends, honestly. That’s why dating was so much easier in college/20s as these kinds of things could happen much more organically.

                    Was there some specific incident that made you so hostile to this advice?

                    • DumbFace Says:

                      It’s probably a combination of

                      A) Having been involved with multiple “groups” of friends, only to have them all pair off and leave you holding the reigns of a wagon going nowhere after sapping most of your time for years (this has probably happened to you if you’re single and over 26)

                      B) Getting “friend-zoned” by immature girls who were incapable of being straightforward with their feelings

                      In any case, you’re both right. Friends are great, and networking is a proven strategy toward finding a more special type of friend. That said, if you’re already pressed for time, you have to know who to give your time to and choose wisely… if you’re the sincere type, it’s tough not feeling like an ass while you do this.

              • D. Says:


                I don’t know you. I don’t know why you would interpret the fairly neutral statement of “Make new friends” to mean “Be deceitful and exploit people for your personal gain.” Certainly, I wasn’t suggesting anything of the sort. That was you interpreting it through the filter of your own apparently substantial baggage, and then getting pissy about your own fucked up interpretation.

  2. HammersAndNails Says:

    You are 35 in the suburbs. That’s about what you are going to get. I guess add speed dating to the list. I 100% agree with Moxie and would like to add that I come from the suburbs too. I’ve been in the city for 6 years now. I’m 33 and, If you have your shit together, it absolutely is the candy store it’s often described as. People don’t get married so soon, and people that are not at least a little driven can’t survive here.

    • LaMotta Says:

      Yup. I moved to Manhattan about 8 months ago in large part to amp up my social opportunities. I knew it’d be more expensive but made the call that it was worth it. That proved to be a good call.

      I’ve lived in Atlanta and DC before (I haven’t actually lived in the suburbs since before going off to college). Even amongst cities, the social opportunities vary considerably based on how “high powered” the city is. Atlanta was way way “slower” for me in terms of social/dating opportunities than was DC, and NYC is an order of magnitude above that.

      Basically, it seems to help to go somewhere where there is a high concentration of people and some “scene” that drives people with ambition to go there.

      Of course, everyone lives in the suburbs because it’s cheaper (and it has lots of fake “nature”). You have to make the call on whether better social opportunities are worth ponying up for. If you choose to stay in the suburbs, don’t complain about the sparse dating offerings.

  3. Craig Says:

    Living in the suburbs is definitely the kiss of death for the social life of a young single person. The simple reason for that is there is very little of that demographic in such areas. People usually build their career while finding a mate in the city, and then head to the ‘burbs when the first child is on the way. The only people I know of who met their significant other while living in the ‘burbs are the ones who married their high school or college sweethearts. In sum, the OP is looking for high-end sweets in Walmart instead of going to the candy shop.

    As for his stated preferences, I didn’t read him as coming off as a bigot. He didn’t say he only wanted white women. He merely expressed that he didn’t get why as a Caucasian guy, more non-Caucasian women were interested in him online than the white ones. That is something you can chalk up to cultural differences. My experience has been that online or in real-world situations, non-Caucasian women are much more likely to have the guts to make a move on men first, while their Caucasian counterparts are more likely to stick to the outdated custom that guys must always make the first move online or off. I find it curious that Moxie counsels the OP to not make any mention of his ethnic preferences in his profile, when most sites have that as a multiple choice checkbox option front and center. She herself had only Caucasian men selected in her last online profile that I ever viewed. It’s no biggie. Such preferences are a good thing to know when deciding who to contact or pass by online.

    Perhaps more overweight women contact the OP because they have to try harder in our looks-obsessed society. Does he really think the truly gorgeous women online have to make any effort writing notes to get dates? I do agree with Moxie that everyone gets contacted by people outside their stated preferences – and that it’s par for the course. Just ignore such overtures and move on. No need to read anything into it. We’ve all aimed for the fences out of our league at some point or another. I personally find it flattering whenever any woman expresses interest in me whether she’s my type or not.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I would not make any kind of statement in your profile about only wishing to meet women of a certain race or ethnicity.

      What I advised was that the guy not state (as in write a statement) in his profile that he only wishes to hear from women of a specific ethnicity. I wasn’t referring to checking a box or selecting from categories, as the more popular sites like OKCupid don’t even have that option. Post an ad on Craigslist and state “White guys only” and your ad gets flagged and pulled down.

    • LaMotta Says:

      I’ve experienced the same weight and non-caucasian phenomenon in online dating.

      To put it simply, for different reasons, overweight and minority women have fewer options in “real life” dating, so they are more active and aggressive online. I won’t explain the weight situation because it’s obvious, but as far as minority women, the pool of eligible men for them is much smaller because of minority guys in jail (and otherwise stigmatized) for nonviolent drug offenses. Beyond that, there’s the “gangsta” culture which leads many otherwise eligible young minority men to emulate the same thugs the women don’t want… so you can see why the minority women are much more willing to dip into the pool of geeky white guys…

      At some point I realized I should stop being discouraged by getting more attention from the women I DIDN’T want online (though I personally consider women of all races to be beautiful), and focus my efforts on pursuing the ones I DID want. Be more pro-active. The trick is doing this without it being too much of a time sink.

  4. 3legdog Says:

    Beating up the guy ’cause he doesn’t want to date fatties. Nice.

    • yb Says:

      seriously. i do not buy that whole fat and fit thing.

      • HammersAndNails Says:

        Don’t even participate in that nonsense. You are allowed to have a preference. Trying to shame you for that is a scam.

        • D. Says:

          Who was beating up on him for having a preference? Moxie’s comment stated “You want a thin woman. That’s fine. You’re allowed to have your type. Just don’t justify it with a bunch of BS.”

          What she was beating up on was the dodge some people say about how “Oh, well, I’d date someone who’s healthy, but people who are heavier aren’t healthy, so….it’s ok for me to only want to date thin people.”

          And as a separate note, while there’s nothing wrong with having a preference, how one expresses that preference is a different matter. “I prefer to date athletic women”? Ok, fine. “No fatties”? Yeah, you’re gonna take some shit for that.

          • yb Says:

            Because if you’re one of those people who refuses to date someone even slightly overweight, you should really just stay home. You should also take a reality pill. Unless you are objectively hot, you don’t get to insist upon only dating women of a certain body type.

            yep. she was. telling him to stay home, take a reality pill and questioning his hotness….all because he doesn’t want to date heavy women. I wouldn’t either if I was a guy!

            • D. Says:

              You did read the “IF” in that statement, right?

              • yb Says:

                so what “if” he is one of those people that refuses to date fat girls?!?!?
                he has a preference; we all do. no need to come down hard on him for that.

                • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                  Nobody came down hard on him for having a preference. Nobody said he should date “fat” girls. What was suggested was that he shouldn’t take his supposed desire for someone slim to the extreme and discount someone because they carried an extra 10-15 pounds. Most people carry around some amount of extra weight. If you’re going to be that picky, stay home or don’t complain when, no matter how many mediums you try to meet someone, you can’t. That’s a sign of being too picky.

            • cb Says:

              If he was that hot he wouldn’t need to be writing this letter to Moxie.

      • Mia Says:

        If you don’t believe in the fat and fit thing, please talk to my doctor. She says I’m extremely healthy. My blood pressure is in the athlete range. My cholesterol is normal. I’m perfectly healthy, and engage in all kinds of activities like hiking, biking, mountain biking, zip lining, sky diving, hang gliding, kayaking, going to the gym, etc. And I’m 200+ pounds. The only physical pitfall of my size seems to be extra stress on my joints.

        But, just as the OP would have no interest in dating me because of my size, I would have no interest in dating him. If there’s no mutual attraction, then there’s no mutual attraction. If you are going to reject me because of my weight, it’s helpful to know that before I waste any time contacting you. Believe me, there are loads of people who are potential dates for me, and we might as well all skip over the ones who aren’t suitable, for whatever reason.

  5. Mandy Says:

    I seems as simple as single, athletic, active, thirty-something women just aren’t hanging out in the suburbs. If that’s what you want, you need to go where they are. If you want to stay where you are, you need to adjust your wants. It’s really that simple.

  6. DumbFace Says:

    Well, first of all… do you know how many hotties there are in Montclair? Hang out there for 2 weekends at some Yelp-inspired hotspots and see if you don’t find anything. 2nd: St. Patty’s is coming up… Get your ass to Hoboken and revel in party-central. I went there ONE time during that holiday and ended up with what amounted to over 30+ friends back in NYC (where I was living). Now, you don’t live in NYC, but people come in from all over for that day and you might just strike gold. And no, you don’t have to get schwammered to accomplish the act of meeting cool people… not everyone is there to puke all over themselves.

    As for general advice about online dating: I don’t doubt that it might be difficult to find anyone worthwhile if you’re truly a solid person yourself and you’re looking for an equal. Fact is, the good ones get gobbled up quick… sorry to report that. It’s not impossible though so just keep looking and do your best.

    Finally, to address Andthatswhyyouresingle‘s remark about physical fitness: yeah, sometimes 10-15 lbs is too much. Your doctor may call you healthy (and you just may be perfectly fine) but the OP can’t do anything about what he’s attracted to. And if he’s taking the time himself to stay athletic (able to run more than 3 miles at a 6:45 pace we’ll say for a benchmark), there’s nothing wrong with expecting that same commitment from his sexual partner. I don’t know about you but I’d feel pretty awful about faking an experience in bed because of how I truly felt about my partner’s appearance. That’s pretty awful for everyone.

    • wishing u well Says:

      As a fellow North Jerseyan – I completely cosign with Montclair, Hoboken, or if you feel like the trek: New Brunswick has got a semi decent social life going for young professionals. Nutley is very close to NYC, so hop on over. (That’s going to be the hands down winner). But if you want to stay in NJ, also don’t underestimate Bergen County for what you are looking for, OP – Englewood, Fort Lee, & Paramus are worth looking into, as well as Edgewater. I’m betting that you just are a little uninformed on the social scene because I run into what you just described as your preference quite regularly, and I’m a woman! Also – join New Jersey Young Professionals if you haven’t already. Doesn’t hurt to mix it up a bit and diversify your efforts. Anyhow, I wish you well and good luck to you.

    • LaMotta Says:

      That’s basically my perspective on fitness, though one has to realize it is going to narrow your dating pool HUGELY to have a partner fitness standard of “athletic”.

      Personally, it’s what I prefer, but I tolerate up to “thin” (which is really “normal”, as “normal” has now become slightly overweight).

      Still somewhat harsh, but I don’t complain about the lack of options (I tend to complain about the behavior of women in general ;) )

      [Speak of the devil, a super cute, thin, indian girl obviously just in from the gym just smiled at me while in line for coffee at this cafe… in Manhattan… thus “proving” a bunch of points at once ;) ]

  7. The D-man Says:

    My opinion is that, if you can’t find anybody online that you want to date, you’re probably not going to find them offline, either.

    Disagree. While online is more efficient, in general I meet more attractive women offline. In the last six months the hottest girls I’ve met — one a former stripper, the other a fitness model — I met, respectively, in a coffee shop and at the post office. Both of these women are more than 15 years younger than me.

    Bring on the downvotes! Surely they must be low-self-esteem sluts! A gentleman never kisses and tells except on the Internet!

    • LaMotta Says:

      The post office and high-end/organic grocery stores have some of the best prospects!

      Of course you have to have really good game to make a catch at such non-schmoozy locations…

      • LostSailor Says:

        At the grocery store: “hey, can you tell me if these organic frozen blueberries are fresh?”

  8. LostSailor Says:

    Have to agree with Moxie and most of the comments here, Chris.

    You’re in a target-poor environment where the available women are unlikely to meet your standard. Unless you’re willing to expand those standards a bit, both online and offline, you’re not going to be successful. Even if you also expand your range to where those women are most likely to be–joining a yoga class, for example–most of the women you’ll meet will be in relationships and the best you can hope for is to maybe catch one of them on the rebound. Not a winning strategy.

    As was noted up-thread, Hoboken is a better bet for you, on St. Paddy’s day or otherwise. Other than that, the women you seek are in the city.

    As for racial preference, I’m not going to blame you. As Moxie said, preference are preferences and you can’t force attraction. But you might not want to dismiss those women as long as they meet your other standards. If you stay where you are, it may be your best option…

  9. meh Says:

    Chris, you are NOT ignorant or racist for wanting to date your own race. it’s perfectly ok. it’s not ok that people are assuming that you are. but you have to accept that people are judging you for it. so don’t write it in an essay & don’t even check off the race boxes or questions. just save your searches with your preferred race options.
    as to why they find you attractive & not white girls, it may be that you have certain physical features that they find attractive. women used to tell me that i reminded them of either of these two comedy actors (who i’m not naming because it’s not a compliment) so i changed my hairstyle & the way i talked & told jokes. now it doesn’t happen anymore. when a bunch of non-related strangers keep telling you something, it isn’t a conspiracy, it just might be the truth.

  10. Rosie Says:

    And maybe (just maybe) one of those women of color contacted you because you kept checking out her OKC profile. But that’s just a wild guess. ;)

  11. Vandellish Says:

    ‘If you’re one of those people who refuses to date someone even slightly overweight, you should really just stay home…Unless you are objectively hot, you don’t get to insist upon only dating women of a certain body type.’
    Well damn. I read his statement as simply saying that he is looking for a physical reflection of himself. This is what most sensible men and women are looking for. One could make a case that those overweight women who think the typical slim guy would be interested in them need reality pills too.
    As far as the race thing, as a black man I have no problem with what the OP is getting at. There’s no getting around preference even though it does shift throughout our dating careers. Still, this could’ve been served up much better. The way the OP puts it here may give us insight on what he writes on his actual online dating profile. Racial preference should be treaded extremely gently and should probably be left off the profile completely and tended to in the perspective website’s filtering process. The poster should also remember that ANY interest from women no matter what her weight, ethnicity, class, etc. should be taken as a compliment even when the feeling is not mutual.
    As far as whether city singles are more attractive than suburban singles I’d have to say yes. It’s only because of the difference in sample size. It’s like saying there are better basketball players in NYC than Poughkeepsie. Sure Poughkeepsie will have some great players but the sample size in a city is so much greater that it is 10 times more likely that you will find a great player there. I live in Chicago and moved to a suburb in 2005 and moved back into the city 2 years later. Had to put myself back in that bigger pool of single ladies.

  12. erine Says:

    City singles are much more attractive to fellow city singles. It depends on one’s lifestyle preferences who they are more attracted to.
    Although you’d think that say New Jersey and New York are so close to each other and are almost the same thing in terms of distance (some NJ towns) they really represent two different worlds and life styles. To people like me suburbs are boring, unbearable, lonely, you can do nothing there if you don’t have a car, the streets are always empty, etc. For those who love suburbs and live there city is noisy, stressfull, crazy, cramped, etc.

    So I don’t think this question has a good stem to it. Most people who live in the city past the age of early 30’s are there by choice, they love it. So I don’t think they would prefer suburbians over city dwellers for the reasons that there might be a serious internal difference in their interests and values: i.e., backyard bbq (subs) vs. going to a museum and a nice outdoor restaurant where you’re surrounded by hundreds of dressed up couples (NYC) – and they might not understand each other.
    Not to mention if things develop between the two, one of them will have to sacrifice their preferences (and living in the city vs living in the subs is a fundamental difference), and there is no real compromise.

    I also feel that a man is much more likely to overlook the fact of the woman being from the subs if they are initially attracted to her, while for a city woman (me for example) him being from the city is one of the conditions of her attraction to him – I don’t know if it’s good or bad but I think that’s how it is a lot of times.

    I generally think that if an adult sacrifices their lifestyle preferences and moves to the subs (from NYC) or to NYC (from the subs), there might be resentment and growing unsatisfaction.

  13. erine Says:

    Moxie is spot on with her comment that city singles are more attractive both physically and mentally. They work out more, dress well, etc. because they are always observed by the most stylish and sometimes pretty people where in the burbs you are in your car all the time so it doesn’t matter as much, people always use cars and don’t walk as much as the city people and so that contributes to their weight, etc.

    I also think that while suburbans are more easy going and easier to understand mentally/educationally, city dwellers have the upper hand. They have travelled, they have good educations, they meet all kinds of different people – they are more interesting. I don’t know if all this matters for say marriage but for dating it does.

    As for the OP< I also think his best option is to date online. I've also wondered myself how people from the burbs find dates if the streets are always empty and people always hide in their houses and cars.
    If OP is fit and cute, I'm sure he will meet someone online as long as he is not going to the NYC girls. If he does, it's a waste of time. Attractive females from the city want to date an NYC guy. Being one myself I can attest to that. OP should concentrate on the girls from neighboring towns. Being attracted to fellow city guys might be shallow but so might be being attracted (initially) to a beautiful woman as opposed to a really nice personality.

    • Vandellish Says:

      Good post but I don’t think being attracted to someone who lives in close proximity should be seen as shallow nor being attracted to someone who many others consider beautiful.
      ‘Hey look at that person over there. Do you peep the personality on them???’ Said by no human being in history.
      I think attraction starts with appearance and then goes on (or not) from there. Women generally don’t emphasize it as much as men but it’s there no matter what they say.

      • erine Says:

        That’s what I meant. You just expressed it better, that neither one of those things is actually shallow. And when it comes to the fact that men are attracted to outter beauty before they are attracted to the inner beauty, and they should be attracted physically to want to know the internal – it’s vey natural and people who have a problem with that are just swimming against the current.

  14. VJ Says:

    I’m still giggling over the *New* Nutley Town seal, which is pretty funny. But I’m having a hard time googling it presently. But pretty amusing. As most of the other images for Nutley are, actually. Geez, you forget… But I imagine one way to actually ‘check’ out the environs for your date. I shudder to think how anyone might do the same in the hinterlands! Cheers, ‘VJ’

  15. Trix Says:


  16. Sarah Says:

    If you’re one of those people who refuses to date someone even slightly overweight — you should really just stay out of the suburbs.

  17. Mickey Says:

    I’m a single, African woman and I do feel we have fewer choices, online and off. The more educated, cultured, and refined you are, the higher your standards, no matter your race. But for African American women, that narrows the dating pool even further. I have a wide variety of girlfriends and my caucasian friends are all married or engaged; it’s the African Americans and Latinos that are still trying to find someone. On paper, we’re all the same. We grew up and went to college and/or grad school together, have similar jobs, currently live in the same area and go out together; the only dividing factor is our race.

    Personally, I’ve always dated out of my race but my success in dating has not surpassed those of my diverse friends who may not be opened to dating other races. I find that I attract (or at least those who approach me are) older white men, usually 13-17 years older. I’m in my 30’s so, in order to date guys within my age bracket, I have to be more aggressive. I find that younger guy will flirt (offline) and ask if I’m single, but if I don’t become the aggressor and ask them out, it doesn’t go any further. Online, I wouldn’t mind being the aggressor, I feel my cards are on the table, good pictures and a good profile. I don’t take it personal if I’m rejected offline, I understand the options are limitless. Offline, I’m a little shy, if I’m interested in a man of a different race, I first wonder if he dates outside of his race, it my reality.

    I know, the whole race and dating thing is so dated, but people have preferences and you can prefer someone of your race and not be a racist or bigot. People like what they like.

  18. Elle Says:

    I have also noticed that the city tends to have more single attractive guys than the suburbs. But I have also noticed that they tend to be more immature and don’t like leaving the city which makes them not relationship material for me. Online dating does have more options for people living in the suburbs but I guess it tends to favor women more than men. Charities functions or balls is another way to meet single women in their 30’s. Organized single events, like speed dating events, tend to favor men more than women. Also, popular restaurants or lounges on a Friday night or Sunday brunch is another way.

  19. Stuart aka stubot Says:

    I chose to live in nearby Bloomfield, its cheap, nice full of that “fake nature” some douche here referred to trees grass, beautiful parks and outdoor areas to. I can own a car here, get a huge real sized apartment for what you spend on Starbucks and the groceries you people get raped for at the register.

    Perhaps none of you have been adversely affected by the economic downturn. Maybe you’re all working in Banking, or Wall st, or finance, but the rest of us; I’m a top end graphic artist, photo retoucher born in Brooklyn NYC, lived in Staten Island a number of years which is also subject to what I like to refer to as:


    People from really culturally devoid areas from all over the U.S. come to NYC and start acting like they were born here. I’m in Manhattan daily, hang out all over the 5 boroughs, and STILL get that attitude from ex-Wisconsin ites because I choose to live here.

    • Rosie Says:

      Stuart, I’m so with you. It kills me that people would rather live in a closet with 4 roommates just so they could say they live in the “city”. It is “douchey”.

      I’m back in the city, because of a divorce, but as soon as I can I’m running away. The city is not civilized enough for my taste.

    • AnonymousDog Says:

      City folk are always anxious to try and ‘prove’ their superiority to suburban and rural folk. This is just one more attempt.

  20. Mark Says:

    Sorry to hear about no luck in the suburbs.

    Still, something doesn’t quite add up. Rather, there are a few gaps in the OP’s letter that we have to fill in for ourselves.

    To a degree, those who mentioned looking in NY do make good points. Very good ones.

    But to say that the ‘burbs of Northern NJ are a virtual wasteland is something I just don’t buy into. Not for a moment. Sure it’s toned down a notch or two and the density of people and places to go just isn’t there. Still….

    A few other posters mentions places like Hoboken and Montclair (into museums? Montclair has a small but good one). Nightspots? They are peppered all over Northern NJ…. Not to mention the Shore. Other places do have something to offer.

    Meetup groups might be one alternative. There are numerous other possibilities, outlets, and venues.

    So it might be your physical presentation, attitude or even your approach. After all, you say that you are athletic, but you seem to receive interest online only from overweight women. In the activities you engage in all the women you seem interested in are already in a relationship. I know it’s a leap to speculate, but it is entirely possible that you might just be not as attractive or desirable as you want to believe. Taking stock and reevaluating your strengths and shortcomings might be something to consider.

    Hope things improve.

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