Elementary, My Dear Watson: He Just Wanted To Get Laid

Name: Eleanor
Age: 30
City: Carbondale
State: CO
:
Comment: I’ve read your blog for a few months, but as a (potential) contributor, I’m a virgin…try to be gentle?

Everybody plays a fool…sometimes.

I live in the mountains in Colorado. It’s lovely, but remote- as you’d imagine -moving here as a single woman has yielded a wealth of professional growth, but not companionship. I soon figured out the bar scene was not the place to remedy this. And though it’s winter here, I’m one of few with no real interest (money to burn) in skiing or snowboarding. So I decided to try okcupid for a few months. (dun dun dun DUUUN!)

I went on a number of dates, nothing special. This was ok by me; we can find a value to each experience even if it isn’t the one we had in mind. One day, a man emailed me and we hit it off.

He was my age, articulate, into rugby, and Irish. Like me, he worked with computers, enjoyed dry wit, his presentation style was a bit blunt, he seemed to be looking for more than a one night stand. All appealing fare to me. Pretty soon, we graduated from email to text, then to phone. That week felt great, with calls each night lasting near to dawn; it had been a long time since I’d felt any sort of connection with a man. Yes, I’ll admit it: we had phone sex. Once. Barring stigmas, it was grand fun, and no regrets!

Then he asked to see me. But in order to do so, he’d have to drive 4 hours. We talked about it for a while, neither one wanting to over-step any boundaries, deciding in the end that we wanted to meet. My apartment is a separated basement level of a home in which the family I rent from lives, and they would be a wall away. Anyway, my intuition told me I didn’t have cause for worry. I offered to make dinner for us there.

The night came, and he arrived. I served us drinks and cooked while we talked. By the time dinner was in the oven, he asked to kiss me, and I said yes.

Most people can recall a few times where an attraction was unmistakable, a tension hanged in the air, building to the point where a simple gesture comes on like a collision. Make fun if you want, it was a great feeling. Familiar with the nature of passion as I am, I knew it likely wouldn’t last, and that perhaps it was only a feeling I had in my head, in my body…and all the other things about red flags, people just saying things to get sex, and the rest. I make choices knowingly that I can live with. I felt I could talk to this guy, and I liked him enough, to be open and see what happened. It was not my first rodeo.

I don’t use sex as a tool for respect. If it feels right to me in the moment, and I can accept whatever the consequences might be, then I’m in. I don’t give credence to any double standards between the sexes in regards to the quickness of sex. I’m selective, with changing wants and needs over time, and according to each circumstance. My ideal is a lasting companionship- but delaying sex an arbitrary amount of time is not going to make that possibility more likely, nor will it determine, in my mind, whether or not a mutual respect exists between two people. If it feels right, I’m go for take off, working with the information I have at the time.

Needless to say, he stayed the night. We were in bed for hours, and to this day, I don’t feel bad about it.
Though by now any astute reader has caught on to my use of the past tense as foreshadow; for, why else would I be writing this? The truth is, I have begun to seriously doubt my ability to judge men, to read what people are doing when I’m inside the situation. With someone else, I can see it a mile away- but when it’s me, clouds descend. I have been in bad relationships and good ones. I’ve had experience with abuse. All I want is to seek, in earnest, perspective on how I might improve upon that seeming ineptness on my part.

Before the date, he pursued me. After, he did not. Except in text message form. He phoned one time after we met, one time alone- when I basically insisted we speak and not text, the week I had a car wreck and health issues spring up simultaneously. He said I shouldn’t question his motives based on something as trite as phoning- but on his actions in the long run. He said he didn’t have enough minutes on his phone, he hated talking on the phone anyway, and he was simply too busy with his 2 kids and work to call. We were having lengthy quasi-discourses via text, to the point where the blatant irony of it stared me stupidly in the face. The simple truth to me was: I wasn’t a priority.

I asked if he’d like to meet again, and he said, if he could borrow his brother’s car and could afford it, during an upcoming weekend. That weekend came 2 weeks later, and went. He grew volatile with me when I wanted to do more than text, more than once, threatening to “cut it off”, unless I could give him a reason he should “roll the dice on me”.

I told him I couldn’t make him care about me; either he did or didn’t, and I didn’t understand the anger in his responses. I asked him what he wanted, and never got a straight answer.

Several days go by and I don’t attempt to reach him. Valentine’s Day comes, and that evening he texts saying he’s sorry it’s been a few days since he was in touch, but apparently he had a stroke. I sympathize with him, tell him I’m here if he wants to talk, and nothing changes. Several more days pass, and then the message comes: “So this is a fresh start is it?”

I never answered. I didn’t hear from him again. I’m fairly certain he just didn’t give a shit, or just wasn’t in a good place to consider anything with a woman who lived 4 hours away anyway, wasn’t into me, or whatever. Before we’d even met, he said he was “falling for me fast”. The night we had our date he told me: “Only one kind of guy does my job for a living- an asshole.” His job- by the way- not in computers, as his profile attests, but as a bouncer for a night club. I didn’t really know him at all.

I’ve been feeling a bit down on myself for playing pony to him- I ended up apologizing during his temperamental outbursts related to our text-only interactions- while he proclaimed I was delusional and didn’t “know how these things work in the real world”. Again, for wanting us to speak by phone, not just text.

I deleted my okcupid profile. I started thinking I have no clear idea of how to tell if someone’s being sincere. Truthfully, I feel stupid and a little hurt. But I know there are men out there who feel this way too, and I’m not harboring any sexist resentment. I take responsibility for my actions.

I know the adage about actions, not words. I know about red flags; I saw some of them here. I know that it is more or less smarter for women (especially one who currently feels vulnerable) not to initiate things with a man, and I’m not. I only put a month’s worth of time into this whole thing, before walking away. But it would be much more worthwhile if I could choose more wisely from the start.

Does a woman’s willingness to engage sexually early on represent to most men as: no assembly required? Or have I yet to simply find one who is into me? What should I work on in myself, in order to send out the signals I mean to, to those I mean to?

 

If it feels right to me in the moment, and I can accept whatever the consequences might be, then I’m in.

Orly? Because the 1381 words above say differently.The problem here is that you are experiencing a profound cognitive dissonance. You tell yourself how okay you are if the sex turns into nothing more, but you’re clearly not. Let me break this scenario down for you, as it’s not nearly as unique or uncommon as you’ve imagined it to be in your head. Ready?

This guy is down and out and has no options. He met someone woman who sounds to be equally, shall we say, unsettled and forgiving. He’s broke, works some menial wage job, has little money, etc. Guess what? He rarely gets laid. That’s why he was willing to drive 4 hours for sex. There was not some incredible gravitational pull forcing you two together. This wasn’t fate or kismet or happenstance.

The problem isn’t online dating or that these men are shady. For the most part, these guys reveal exactly who they are. The problem is that people often refuse to challenge assumptions or perform the slightest bit of critical thinking.I loathe trite expressions about how women should watch a man’s actions, not his words. This is a perfect example why sayings like that are misleading. This guy drove four hours, which to many women would say that he was genuine and interested. Except he wasn’t. He was desperate. Don’t just look at someone’s actions. Compare those actions to what you know to be typical or “normal” and ask yourself why someone would behave in such a way. Observe. Compare. Deduce.

Someone submitted a story a few months ago about a guy she met online who was, in her words, “The OK Cupid Unicorn.” This unicorn, this catch, managed to multiple nights free in succession. Now, if he were the unicorn she believed, wouldn’t it stand to reason that this guy had other women just as interested? That’s what critical thinking is is all about. Don’t just take what is presented to you at face-value. Examine it.

You should also examine your own motives. To me, you seem to just want attention. Hence the insane length of this letter and all of the unnecessary details and rational and reasonable thinking. There’s the cognitive dissonance again.You knew the whole time that this wasn’t a productive experience. You pursued it any way. Why?

You got caught up in the attention. That’s what you miss. Not the guy himself. You miss the attention. That’s why you’re here. You are trying to fill that void. That’s also probably why you had this experience in the first place. The fact that you even entertained a guy 4 hours away tells me you weren’t looking for much beyond a little drama and attention.

 

 

 

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36 Responses to “Elementary, My Dear Watson: He Just Wanted To Get Laid”

  1. The D-man Says:

    Well… He did more than drive four hours for sex. He spent multiple nights on the phone.

    I suspect he really was into her at first, but then saw her face to face and she wasn’t as attractive as her pictures.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 9

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  2. LostSailor Says:

    You got caught up in the attention. That’s what you miss. Not the guy himself. You miss the attention. That’s why you’re here. You are trying to fill that void. …The fact that you even entertained a guy 4 hours away tells me you weren’t looking for much beyond a little drama and attention.

    Bingo.

    And the kicker is, at least in this case, there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you recognize it for what it is. Loneliness can lead people to do and think things that they ordinarily might not.

    Eleanor, you invited a guy to drive 4 hours to your apartment for dinner. What did you expect was going to happen? That you’d have some drinks, some dinner, some conversation, and he’s drive 4 hours back home in the middle of the night in the Colorado mountain at the height of winter? Of course sex was on the table. Once at your place he even admitted that he he was a liar (about his job) and an asshole. You say you saw “some” of the red flags here, but if that’s true, you chose to ignore them, and you slept with him anyway. And it sounds like you had a good time.

    So, in reality, that’s not what your letter is about. What you really wanted were those phone calls; long, intimate conversations with a man with occasional phone sex because hooking up with an 8-hour commute just isn’t going to work on a real-life basis. Perhaps he shares a little blame for reeling you in with those early gab-fests deep into the night, but, hey, he did admit he’s an asshole.

    But let’s face it. Guys hate the kind of talking on the phone you were pushing him for (which is exactly what he told you). It’s hours of time when he could be doing something else and he gets very little out of it, while you are having your emotional needs met. Most men will gladly meet their woman’s emotional needs, but expect their sexual needs to be met in return. So this was a lopsided arrangement leaning toward your benefit.

    I started thinking I have no clear idea of how to tell if someone’s being sincere….What should I work on in myself, in order to send out the signals I mean to, to those I mean to?

    The first part of that may be the problem you need to work on. You had a week of long phone calls before you met. After, he didn’t want to talk on the phone that much, yet you had lengthy quasi-discourses via text, to the point where the blatant irony of it stared me stupidly in the face. The simple truth to me was: I wasn’t a priority. Ah, there it is. He works and has two kids, and makes time for lengthy text convos with you. If they were short texts of few words, I’d say you were right, you weren’t a priority. But what you describe isn’t that. I’d say it’s not that you weren’t a priority, just that you weren’t the only or first priority.

    I’m going to guess that what he saw with the constant push for lengthy phone calls (please don’t say all you wanted to do was chat for a few minutes, ‘cuz I won’t buy that) and the fact that it’s hard for him to get away (no car?) for the 8-hour commute to meet was that you just wanted him for emotional support with little return, so he cut his losses. And because he didn’t meet your demands, he’s not “sincere”?

    It’s not that he wasn’t interested–though what level of interest I can’t say, maybe it was just sex, maybe not–it’s that he wasn’t local. I’d keep any potential future lover’s range to under an hour.

    Oh, and but apparently he had a stroke?? At 30? That’s a new one. I’ll have to remember that, since it’s much more plausible at my age…

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 29 Thumb down 1

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  3. Eleanor Says:

    D-Man: I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but since you brought it up, my physique is the last of my worries. What a constructive, thoughtful response though.

    Blogger: I don’t want drama or attention, I want some form of companionship. But I need to use my head more. This is why I wrote. I’ll think about what you said.
    The length of this letter is indicative of how I feel generally confused on these things, and no, I never imagined my situation as unique or uncommon. (see: a large percentage of the letters on this blog for examples of this.) Nor did I imagine fate was pulling us together, or magic.
    I was trying to fill a void. You’re right. But all the people who say, “You must be happy alone before you can be with someone else”- do not spend 95% of personal time alone. Feels like a stalemate to me.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

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    • The D-man Says:

      I’ve made the mistake of talking too much on the phone with someone before meeting them in person, only to be disappointed. That’s why I now keep initial phone calls short or nonexistent if possible.

      And physique is only piece of the attraction puzzle, albeit an important one. Google “butterface.”

      I’m not saying this is necessarily the case with you. But I really doubt a guy would spend hours and hours on the phone with someone before meeting, then change his tune after meeting unless there was something he didn’t like during the meeting.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

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    • Mia Says:

      Eleanor,
      Don’t feel like you have to give up dating altogether just because this one situation didn’t work out the way you wanted it to.

      I’m not trying to be harsh, and I see that you are struggling with your emotions. You don’t have to be so hard on yourself. It happened, and you can prevent it from happening again, if it’s not what you want.

      That said, the red flags as I see them are:
      1. you currently spend 95% of your personal time alone. If I were you, I’d focus on making friends. I go to meetups, and I’ve met the most wonderful women friends. I’m recently empty nested, but find that I have less and less free time, because I’m going to book clubs, taking cooking classes, art classes, out to dinner with friends, seeing movies with friends, going to plays with friends, having parties, and generally living life. Just because you can’t afford snow activities doesn’t mean that there aren’t tons of activities in your area. And again, making female friends is crucial, because whether you have a love interest or not, having a social group is important. You can be single and not be lonely. Otherwise you run the risk of trying to fill your loneliness with a guy.

      2. You had phone sex with someone you never even met in person. This is a trap several of my friends fall in to. They start with fun, flirty conversations, and then things get dirty on the phone, and they they are surprised when the first date turns into a booty call. Now, there’s nothing wrong with phone sex, or sex on a first date, but again, if what you are looking for is a long-term relationship, starting off with phone sex sends the message that you are just looking for fun.

      3. You invited him over to your apartment for a first date. If you don’t plan on falling into bed on a first date, it’s helpful if there is no bed nearby. That’s why people like to meet in public, for drinks or for dinner. And, with someone coming 4 hours, I would have met him halfway, far far away from either one of our bedrooms.
      4. His occupation isn’t what he claimed on line. Need you say more? He was lying on line to find someone. If he was looking for a long-term relationship, he would have been straight up about what he does on his profile.

      5. He had a “stroke.” Really? I’m not sure that I buy that. I think that after the fact, he didn’t want more, and you weren’t exactly taking “no” for an answer, and he’s just trying to get rid of you.

      Believe me, you can do much better than this guy.

      The way I think of dating is a win-win situation:
      If I have a good time, then, obviously a win. If I have a bad time, I’ll have a funny story for my friends the next day.

      If you look at dating as merely an opportunity to get to know someone better to see if the two of you have similar interests and goals, than you will be more relaxed about it. If you think of a date as the beginning of a relationship, you are getting waaaaay ahead of yourself.

      So, my advice to you, is to focus on building up a friendship base. That way, you won’t feel so lonely. And then, go forth and date. But don’t take it so seriously. When you meet someone you click with, great! Until then, enjoy your life, and enjoy all the experiences you gather along the way.

      Best of luck!

      -M

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        starting off with phone sex sends the message that you are just looking for fun.

        Yes. Because sex is fun. The only message sent by someone who has phone sex is that they like sex. Stop trying to cock block other women.

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        • Mia Says:

          Oh, I agree, sex is fun. And phone sex is phone. One night stands can be fun. I’m not trying to c-block anyone, it’s just that I have several friends who have the experience of having phone sex with a guy before meeting him, and then are surprised when he wants to rush right into bed. I think that if you aren’t looking for a fling, then engaging in phone sex is sending the message that you DO want a fling. And, if you DON”T want a fling, then it might be better to stay away from the truly dirty talk before you even meet in person….it’s just about what you are communicating to the guy that you are up for. Otherwise, you are sending mixed signals.

          So, I stand by my statement that starting off with phone sex send the message that you are just looking for fun.

          If you are just looking for fun, phone sex away, ladies!

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          • Mia Says:

            Sorry, typo. I meant to start out…

            Oh, I agree, sex is fun. And phone sex is FUN.

            (not “phone sex is phone, which doesn’t mean anything at all. I’ll proofread better next time).

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            • Eleanor Says:

              Sex and phone sex ARE a lot of fun. I just need to screen better and be more self-aware next time round.

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  4. Eleanor Says:

    LostSailor: thank you for your thoughts. Yes, I feel stupid. Yes, I’ve been lonely. Though I didn’t demand anything from him, I asked. I “talked” to him equally as much about the things going on in his life. As for the rest, maybe you’re right.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Eleanor, repeated “asking” to a guy is not much different from a demand. Whether you talked to him about his life as much as yours is really not as relevant as the length of the phone call. Most men actively dislike talking on the phone like this. He told you this. While that might have filled your need for companionship (which is the same thing, really, when Moxie writes about “attention”), it would not have fulfilled what he thinks of as companionship, which is much more physical (and not just talking about sex). A guy will be more focused on physical proximity and doing things together; women are much more verbal.

      The basic fact is that any relationship with an 8-hour commute simply wasn’t going to work from the start. But I’m curious. Did you ever offer to make the drive to see him?

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      • Eleanor Says:

        Yes, I did offer to drive his way. I guess I told myself that if we kept in touch, I was planning on returning to the city anyway, in the fall.

        Attention/companionship. Ok, I’ll grant you that. I think your comments on how men and women differ are pretty accurate. I suppose I’ll just focus on my inner circle of friends, even though they don’t live nearby, and hock “dating” for a while. I’m obviously too clueless right now to pursue it.

        I really do appreciate your candor. Moxie as well.

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        • LostSailor Says:

          I was planning on returning to the city anyway

          Wait, he lived in “the city” or nearby? There aren’t that many cities near Carbondale. If he lives closer to a more urban area (and god I hope you’re not referring to Denver) than he does to you, and was willing to drive 8 hours to see you even once, I would think that’s a huge red flag right there.

          There’s always more to the story.

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    • HammersAndNails Says:

      You don’t understand men. We don’t want to “talk” to anyone about anything on the phone. It’s a miserable waste of time and energy. It doesn’t count as companionship for us, it’s a chore. You were not doing him any favors making him talk about his life in equal measure to yours, that was just one more demand you were making on him. I checked my cell phone plan. I used 17 minutes last month. I have many friends and a large family. I loathe phone calls. If I’m lonely, I text a friend to get dinner as a last resort, I’d even rather play some online video games where we can chat and play together. Never the phone.

      I still have no idea why so many women insist on catastrophizing everything when things don’t lead to marriage and growing old together. You had some nice phone calls, had a nice date with good food and intimacy, and it didn’t work out. Where is this great and mighty harm that has you in such a tailspin? I just completely fail to see what about this situation has you so wounded that you need to retire from the dating game. Women are always weird about sex. How much better would you feel about the situation if you hadn’t become physical?

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      • Eleanor Says:

        If you think ‘women are always weird about sex’, I’d summize that says how much you understand about women, You’re already approaching this from an angle that comes off as prickly, borderline sexist and judgmental. It’s a bit iditoic to think all woman want is to grow old with someone, and never have sex outside of those parameters- or that that is what I expected of this guy remotely.I’ve been fine with casual sex plenty of times. Without blinking an eye- let alone shedding a tear- I have left many a bedroom. What I’m not stoked about is when a man is ALL ABOUT being on the phone leading up to sex, the getting-to-know-you things- then afterward it’s a demand and a reason to trot out all sorts of excuses just so they don’t have to bother now admitting that all they wanted in the first place was sex. Texting is often an impersonal or lazy substitute for communication- or stringing someone along in case you might possibly feel like sleeping with them again later. Meh.
        This one guy hasn’t “got me in a tailspin so that I’ve sworn off dating”, either. I’m sick of the game and I’m don’t want to play- for awhile. I have plenty of history to draw from before this post was ever made and complete strangers were reducing me to a steretype. I don’t feel better or worse from sleeping with the guy- it was just a silly ruse and a dumb situation. I’m sure, that’s NEVER happened to you, though.

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          then afterward it’s a demand and a reason to trot out all sorts of excuses just so they don’t have to bother now admitting that all they wanted in the first place was sex.

          And here’s where many women get “weird” about sex. If this guy had said he was ‘just” looking to get laid, would you have slept with him? Probably not. Which means you’re not as okay with casual sex as you think. If you were as free to be you and me about it, a man could be that upfront and you wouldn’t be offended. That you still pursued the attention from him afterwards means you weren’t as okay with the possibility of never hearing from him again as you think. It’s fine to be bothered about it. You’re not expected to turn off all emotions. But listen to yourself.

          This is why I say that many women claim sexual empowerment and brag about how many bedroom they can walk out of, but really just use sex as a means for attention and nothing else. The bottom line is that you’re a person with little social/human interaction and you’re lonely. You didn’t have sex to get off. You had sex for the connection. You wrote this letter not because you’re confused or questioning your judgment but because you just want a social outlet and have people to talk to about a non-problem.

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          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            Moxie FTW

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          • Eleanor Says:

            Haters, think what you want. Moxie, the fact is I appreciate honesty and may have gone ahead with it anyway. I certainly would have been less confused. I really don’t want to feel like I have to defend myself here; I was looking for no-bullshit advice, and I got it. Thanks.

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            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              With all due respect, nobody here cares enough about this story to hate you. Nobody is hating on you. They’re simply sharing their opinion. I find your need to create drama where there is none to be kind of annoying and exhausting.

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        • VJ Says:

          I’m sorry, you’re like 30? What’s the real problem here? I read your OP, E. I laughed, I cried, I was unsurprised. You’re ‘confused’ somehow over the whole situation? And it’s how cold in the Rocky Mountains? And this kind of ‘stuff has not been happening, well since the dawn of recorded time?

          So I’m in basic agreement with H&N here:
          “I still have no idea why so many women insist on catastrophizing everything when things don’t lead to marriage and growing old together. You had some nice phone calls, had a nice date with good food and intimacy, and it didn’t work out. Where is this great and mighty harm that has you in such a tailspin? I just completely fail to see what about this situation has you so wounded that you need to retire from the dating game.”

          Did you have a nice time ‘lolling about in bed for hours’ with an Irishman? That’s a plus, right? No complaints? Call it an experience and forget it. Try to build a relationship based on friendship. It’s really not as mysterious as imagined. Not every tryst leads somewhere. And that’s a GOOD Thing! Think about it. Cheers, ‘VJ’

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  5. fuzzilla Says:

    Yep, Moxie’s right.

    “but apparently he had a stroke.” ?? Aww, sweetie. You’re so vulnerable it’s like you’re navigating the world without any skin. That and the length of the letter and the cognitive dissonance just breaks my heart a little.

    Also, how is it “not her first time at the rodeo” if she’s a virgin? I’m assuming she means she’s had relationships before, but she’s telling herself to shrug off things she’s never experienced or processed before. Moxie’s on the money but it may take some processing to really “get” what she’s saying. Maybe just give yourself permission to feel the feels and freak out a little bit (in the privacy of your own home/with a friend or therapist, not involving any guy in it). Your feelings can make sense without being anyone else’s fault. Yes, this guy sounds like a dick, but your goal is not to make him “the bad guy” but to move on and forget you ever knew him.

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    • Eleanor Says:

      I knew this was going to make me feel exposed and embarrassed. But it’s also been eye opening, so thank you. Maybe I am in total cognitive dissonance. I want more than sex, but I don’t think it’s likely I will find it anytime soon, so I took what I could get. There it is.
      I have a lot to think about.

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      • wishing u well Says:

        Eleanor – we’ve all been there in some shape or form. If you haven’t dated in a while and jump back out there, there’s going to be a few hiccups in the road. The positive thing is that you stopped, evaluated, got some outside input for balance, and now you can process it, chalk this guy up and move on….while continuing to meet and date new people. Don’t feel embarrassed, and don’t get yourself down about it. If you read the blog, for the most part, in one way or another, all of us wish the people who write in well. As do I.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      I think she meant “I’m a virgin” in the context of writing to and/or commenting on a blog like this, not that she’s a woman of pristine purity, if you know what I mean…

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      • Eleanor Says:

        Hahaha…yup.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          >I’ve read your blog for a few months, but as a (potential) contributor, I’m a virgin…try to be gentle?<

          Okay, I'm an idiot/didn't have enough sleep/coffee. The content of the letter did kinda fit my image of a 30-year-old virgin, though (sorry, just sayin')….

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  6. Being honest! Says:

    RUN! And be glad you are separated by a 4 hour drive.

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  7. yb Says:

    This response reminds me why I am a regular reader.

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  8. cb Says:

    You had a man you never met in person come to your apartment? You are out.of.your.mind! Never, ever do that! OUT.OF.YOUR.MIND!

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  9. Sarah Says:

    When someone tells you who he is, believe him (e.g. “Only one kind of guy does my job for a living — an asshole.”)

    Also, this guy did not have a stroke. I don’t know how he could deliver that lie with a straight face, unless maybe he tried to pass off his barely-concealed laughter as stroke face.

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  10. VJ Says:

    Yeah please Don’t send along anything you can find about ‘stroke’ to him and tell him you’re doing so out of ‘a loving concern for a friend’ here, right? Geesh. And a bouncer too? With a stroke? ONLY an Irishman might pull this all off! And it’s not even April 1st yet… Cheers, ‘VJ’

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  11. Marshmallow Says:

    OP: I was in your shoes not too long ago. I hope you can come back and actually absorb the good advice you were given. This sentence right here? GOLD: Don’t just look at someone’s actions. Compare those actions to what you know to be typical or “normal” and ask yourself why someone would behave in such a way. Observe. Compare. Deduce.

    Look, we all want to think we are something special and of course a man would climb mountains and slay dragons for the wonders that we are. But your guy was willing to drive four hours for a woman he never met! That isn’t normal. I live in the suburbs and I learned that if a guy from the city is willing to travel all the way to NJ for a woman he doesn’t know he doesn’t have any other options and there is a reason for this. Relationships are hard work. Why go into a situation knowing it is going to be hard to see each other?

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  12. DumbFace Says:

    All right OP, quick story. I recently had a girl break up with me because I hadn’t tried to sleep with her after she “needed to stay at my place” after our 3rd date. We had spent the whole night out together and had a great time, and when she couldn’t make it home by public transportation, the safest option was just to have her come home with me. I was absolutely excited to spend the evening with her but I certainly wasn’t thinking “sex” based on the circumstantial necessity and was really just wanting to fluff around in the blankets and maybe share lip gloss for a while. This apparently confused her in the “I must not be pretty enough for you if you’re not trying to sleep with me in your own bed” kind of way, and so she broke up with me the following day, only to request that we get back together 2 weeks later (to no avail).

    I don’t try to pretend what’s going on in other people’s minds, but my guess for her is the same guess that I have for you: you place a lot of value in sex and it means WAAYYYYYY more to you than you tell yourself or anyone else. The resultant advice has already been given but if I were you, I’d try to establish some amount of respectful head-space with the next person you meet before you get intertwined sexually if it means that much to you. Being guarded doesn’t get you there, so it’s not about that. Just make sure you share time, ideas, and thoughts with the person in a mutually beneficial way that works for you both. Don’t get so caught up in being “desirable,” think of it more like you’re trying to find someone to co-captain a team with.

    It won’t be any easier to find great people but you’ll have a much better perspective if you just think objectively about how compatible you are with the other person and whether or not you’re genuinely enjoying your relationship. If it doesn’t work out, it’s far less violating.

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