Name: NYCgirl
Comment: Hey guys, so I have a little dilemma with a guy I’ve been seeing. I met him back in July afterhanging out for a weekend with mutual friends we exchanged numbers started talking via the phone. I went to friend request him on FB as I was on his page I noticed he had a girlfriend listed. So I didnt say anything to him at first ( I didnt want to seem like a stalker or as if I was playing CIA spy). Being that its FB he could of very well not updated his profile in some time I let it go. I told a friend of mine about what happened she asked me to check his instagram page. I am not one for snooping around but I was curious to see if he indeed had a GF maybe he was just trying to get into my pants.(I have been burned many times before so my guard is up at all times.) SO with the help of my friend we found his IG page saw pictures of him the same girl from FB posted from 2 weeks ago. Now I had already asked him if he was single he told me yes. After finding all this out I decided to proceed with our first dinner date we had planned. I asked him again, over dinner, to his face, if he was single. “Yes I am” he replied. I kept him around for another week seeing if he would come clean after speaking everyday he still claimed to be “single”. Finally I called him out on it. He claimed I was playing detective had no idea what was going on.I never spoke to him after that. Later on I found out from a mutual friend that at the time he met me he was on a “break” w his current GF. They had got into a fight thursday night he went out friday to “clear his mind” thats when he met me. So now its December thru the same mutual friends I see him at a party. He pulls me aside apologizes to me saying he was sorry blah blah Me being nice I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt I decide to give him one more shot. We hit things off right away. He takes me to great restaurants, movies, etc. However I have caught him in a couple white lies that has me thinking. For example, he lied to me about when the last time he sold drugs was. ( He was an ex-dealer claimed he last sold in 2008) when in fact it was in 2011. Then he lied to me about why he had lost his drivers license didnt get a new one. We have been dating since December we already went to Miami together in late January. I thought this was too soon but being that our mutual friends were going also I decided ok. (I would of not gone just me him so soon) He also talks about marriage kids meeting his family I think hes moving too fast. I sometimes feel like hes trying to “trap me”, I am 30 years old, a registered nurse , I have my own place make my own money. Hes 28, lives at home works for his fathers company, so the fact that he wanted to make me his gf after less than 2 months of dating I find a little weird. I would appreciate any input. Thank you!
Age: 30
City: NYC
State: NY
Hes 28, lives at home works for his fathers company, so the fact that he wanted to make me his gf after less than 2 months of dating I find a little weird.
That’s what you find weird? That is probably the least concerning aspect of this story.
Here’s the narrative going on in your head:
You’re a woman who has had a lot of bad luck in love. You have your guard up, have a hard time trusting men, etc. You are not the type of person to snoop or do any kind of unnecessary recon work on the men you meet. You’re a nice person which is why you give people who lie to you a second chance.
Here’s the reality:
You’re attracted to bad boys. Your guard isn’t up. You trust pretty easily, and usually trust the wrong person. Saying that your guard is up and citing all your past disappointments is supposed to make people feel sorry for you and sympathize for you rather than suggest you have really bad taste in men and are probably a little desperate.
Here’s my take on this:
This guy is a drug dealer with a criminal record. A record you found when you weren’t playing detective. He’s anxious to get out of his parent’s house, so he’s trying to get you all buttered up so you’ll take him in. You clearly don’t trust him and never have. Yet you continued to date him despite having caught him in numerous lies. You’re not concerned that he wasn’t to make you his girlfriend. You’re not unsettled by how quickly he appears to be moving. You’re unnerved because you know he has an agenda.
He accused you of playing Nancy Drew when you confronted him with a lie because he knew he was caught. Remember what I said a few weeks ago about paying attention to how someone reacts when you criticize them. If they turn it around on you, they know the accusation is true to some degree and are trying to change the subject and make their accuser feel insecure.
The only reason he profusely apologized that night at that party in December was because he knew he needed someone else to suck off of as he continued his shiftless life. Lucky for him that you’re so easily impressed.
I’m not sure what you’re looking for here. You admit you’ve caught him in multiple lies. You know his life isn’t terribly stable and that he has dabbled in illegal activities. You continued to date him despite all of this. So what is it that you want to hear? That he’s shady? You know that. It’s not that you think he’s moving too fast. It’s that you want to believe that it’s all real and don’t want to be played for a fool. Again. Oh wait. Again again.
He is trying to trap you. Walk away. Eventually this guy is going to sucker you into taking on the burden that is him. You have your own life, reputation, career and financial situation to consider. This guy will slowly begin to creep into all of these areas of your life and ruin them.
He had a girlfriend on Facebook when he met you. He had two week old instragram pictures of her online. He deals drugs. He lives at home with his parents.
You are 30 years old, so if you want to get married and have a family with a decent man, you need to start making serious changes in your life. First, break up with this loser. Secondly, get into therapy to gain some understanding as to why you chose to date a guy who had more red flags than the UN. And until you understand the causes of your actions, stop dating. Your radar is currently broken, and you need some time to heal and analyze why you are drawn to people like this and what red flags you are missing at the start of your relationships.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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RUN!
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So you’re surprised your drug dealer boyfriend lied to you about all kinds of things, including having a girlfriend? Tell me more. You are willing to go on a trip with this guy, give him a second (and third…) chance, but the one thing you are suspicious of is his wanting you to be his (2nd?) girlfriend after 2 months. First of all, dump this guy. Stop seeing him, never see him again. Tell him why, but after that, cut off all contact. Then, try to have better judgement when it comes to guys. You say your guard is up but apparently its not or else you wouldnt have even bothered with this guy.
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I don’t understand the concept of being “trapped,” OP. Don’t you want what he’s selling? It seems like you do, so just go with it… That said, if that’s not what you want, what are you doing hanging out with this guy? Further, who are these “mutual friends” of yours?
I’m not one to limit my choice of friends based on pure life choices either: in my experience, there’s no direct correlation between personal character and taboo electives — whether current or in the past. But I have dropped people for not making the grade, and I don’t think anyone ever earns true immunity from that process. Just think about what’s important to you, then make your decisions.
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No “selling” pun intended, btw.
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I don’t understand the concept of being “trapped,” OP.
Have some sympathy, people.
In Freudian terms, she’s trapped by her id, her subconscious desires, her primitive drives.
People have them, and they can be a real struggle to control.
If you never experience feelings that contradict your beliefs, good for you. Not everyone is so lucky.
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Meanwhile, two or more less-than-flashy tech guys are going single because you and some other foolish chick are chasing this loser.
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Actually, good. I wouldn’t wish women like that on anybody.
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And would those less-than-flashy tech guys be pursing, say, Velma Dinkley?
I didn’t think so.
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What Moxie & Jacyln said at the top. Where do they find such gullible (if that’s the problem) 30 yo’s in NYC? What’s up with that? Where’s the damn attraction here? What does this hopeless car crash of a dude possess that makes him at all attractive to much of anyone? He’d likely not be even able to adopt a pet and yet he’s stringing along several GFs? Amazingly sad on too many levels to count. Look in the mirror. There’s the central problem. You’re chasing the wrong men . No good can come of this. Seriously! VJ
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Where’s the damn attraction here?
Excitement, thrill, danger, adventure, passion, fear, relief…. what’s so hard to understand about that?
Pretending to not understand is a lame and ineffective rhetorical trick. Lame because it’s so much safer then revealing the judgmental thoughts you’re actually having, and ineffective because people don’t pay attention to those who “just don’t get it..”
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“Ex” drug dealer who can’t drive (conviction?) and who lives at home with his parents and works for his father (presumably because no one else will hire him)?
He’s a catch, honey. Don’t let this one get away.
You sure he and your mutual friends weren’t drug-muling back from Miami…?
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“You sure he and your mutual friends weren’t drug-muling back from Miami…?”
I was just thinking before I got to your post that a few choice episodes of “Locked Up Abroad” should be mandatory viewing for the OP…
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Okay seriously, I have to comment! I understand this poor sheltered girl. She only wants to experience the bad boy fun and then maybe later she will find a good one. Who here has really never picked up the wrong person for the wrong reasons? I mean some of us were smarter than others but some just went along for the ride to experience life in a less meaningful way. I am all for making mistakes, this is how you find the right one. I say let it rip. If she wants to get her heart broken a few times and come out with a few less interesting stories to tell so be it. I don’t mean to be glib but often times we are able to learn these lessons through others and sometimes we have to learn the hard way. Either way I wish her good luck and hope she establishes better taste in the future!
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Amanda, you’re absolutely right, and completely unpopular.
Almost everyone would love to take your advice, and almost everyone is too cowardly to risk their entire stable existence for a brief period of intense living.
Me included.
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Umm….no. She’s 30, not 18. 30 in NYC no less – so the “poor sheltered girl” attempt at justification flies right out the window. Let’s also point out that at 30 – dating a drug dealer is an unacceptable liability for many obvious reasons (jail, anyone?). This tomfoolery has got to stop. To your point I will be the first to admit that I’ve dated a few Mr. Wrongs for the wrong reasons – and I stopped, evaluated, got outside unbiased input, and made a few changes. I also made better, different dating choices.
The risks being taken here are dangerous with potentially severe, long lasting consequences. This isn’t Carlito’s Way where the girl is off dancing in the sunset and the side effects of the “bad boy” life never touch her. The OP needs to grow up and take the sound advice given by Moxie & others if she’d like to grow and move forward.
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OP, you do understand any drug arrest etc will cost you your RN license right?
Oh I know, he’s a “former ” (yeah right) drug dealer……..and that it’s his thing not yours…..and why do you not see that it’s a giant red flag that a drug dealer would be interested in a nurse (easy access to drugs)
RUN is RIGHT
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That’s the bottom line here CB, contra to what Amanda imagines, this ‘fling’ might easily absolutely destroy the future chances of the OP & any women so foolish as to want to Repeatedly take on such ‘bad boys’. And you might see the toll in any town USA in the skyrocketing rates of single motherhood and sinking rates of marriage.
Time & time again we see the effects and the unfortunate aftereffects of such ‘dangerous attractions’. Otherwise attractive young moms, trailing several young kids, caught in a low wage ghetto of her own making, trying desperately to get more or better education despite needing scarce childcare at the same time. And doing all this with minimal help from family most likely (if she’s really fortunate), and again likely little to no support from the (never married) biodad (babbydaddy). And NO we’re not just talking about the stereotypical poor ‘tweens & teens here. The fastest growing segment of single moms are in their late 20′s & early 30′s. Why? Just such a similar case. A woman wants a kid, does not particularly care about marriage, so it’s ‘any port in a storm’ for all the randy ‘bad boys’ she might want to play with. She likely knows the score, but wants to play the game anyway to ‘get what she wants’. Which is fine, but everyone winds up paying in some fashion for all the obvious short comings of such an arrangement, now representing oh some 40% of all births. And no, not just with & for the ‘bad boys’, but with the dudes you don’t think you can or should marry, (or marry just yet).
But this one has all the bells & whistles of a big bad train coming down the tracks fast. And some folks will look at it and say to themselves, “I want a pice if that action’! And the rest of us can only wonder why. There’s scads of likely ‘better choices’ or even yes, ‘better fits’ for women out there, and yet the attraction for such types is as ‘natural’ (google ‘Dark triad of traits’) as it is sometimes deadly. CB is right, this one might not only destroy the OP’s budding career & leave her impoverished, but she likely knows that too. And yet somehow this dude’s got some irresistible ‘something’. And the rest of us just can only wonder. Cheers, ‘VJ’
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Go into Family Court in NYC any day of the week and you see the end results of this desire for the “bad boy” as VJ accurately set forth. The problem with the attitude that it is fine to pick “…the wrong person for the wrong reasons” and to “…experience life in a less meaningful way” is that the consequences of that impede or completely prevent you from finding the “right one”. How many decent employed men, who I imagine would be the ultimate wish of the OP, would be willing to get involved with a woman who, in the worst case scenario, can’t get a decent job, has a criminal record and a few illegitimate children from a now reincarcerated drug dealer? Not many. Actions have consequences pity all too few people realize that.
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Amanda probably is correct that the only way the OP will stop picking “bad boys” is to live and learn through personal experience what happens when she touches the hot stove, as it were. That’s not to say one should applaud or encourage such terrible decision making, though (“let ‘er rip”?). When someone’s in a situation like this, if you say “bad, bad, go away” they’ll likely dig in their heels with “but you just don’t *understaaaaand*. Our feelings our so special, his life was so hard, blah blah.” Which is not to say that the people giving the warnings are incorrect (far from it), just that you have to be as nonjudgmental as possible and meet people where they’re at for your message to have any effect.
Anyway – take Jaclyn’s advice, OP. Stop dating ’til you’ve taken some time for yourself and ironed things out in therapy. For starters, is there a pattern of you having relationships like this? Is this guy like your dad or brother(s) and there’s some family pattern being hashed out through this guy?
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It’s that stupid savior complex some women have. I will succeed where other women failed! I can save him! I will redeem him! I can change him! that’s how truly special I/We am!
My friends who married bad boys and how it turned out:
Bad boy #1. Addict who drank and beat her. Police intervened many times before she threw him out. Gets a call one day from her neighbor telling her to come home right away, her husband is drunk and walking their toddler around on a dog leash around his neck. Took him to court four times never saw a penny in child support.
Bad boy#2. Chronic philanderer who slept with anything that moved. Got into trouble with the law. Fled the country on her dime-took out $50K from their joint credit card account. She had to file for bankruptcy.
Bad boy#3. Disappeared on her when their child was 2. Ends up in jail for bank robbery.
You guessed it, no child support there either.
I know you are thinking that these are desperate dumb women but they were not, they just ignored the red flags.
But there is some good news! (yes Virginia, there is a karma)
Bad boy #1-got some payback of his own when he knocked up another woman who took off on him and left him with sole custody and no support of their toddler.
Bad boy #2-is in jail. for a long time
What’s the exact saying? Something like “boys want a good girl who is bad only for them, girls want a bad boy who is good only for them:
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>It’s that stupid savior complex some women have. I will succeed where other women failed! I can save him! I will redeem him! I can change him! that’s how truly special I/We am!<
Yep, exactly. The codependent need to feel special and be better than their partner and focus all their energies on them so they don't have to confront their own demons.
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There are red flags and then there are RED FLAGS.
Sorry OP, but this one falls into the latter category. This isn’t one of those things that gives you a moment to pause and wonder. This is one of those things that taken all together (as pointed out with particularity) that just plain stares you in the face.
As Moxie said strait up – This is a bad boy. Not an angel with a dirty face, but a bad boy, and intellectually you know it. But it seems that you still have some level of attraction to him from a visceral perspective and might be trying to rationalize things in your own mind.
So now you have to make a decision: do you still try to be with him or not. If you do, then you know full well what you are likely to expect. If you are comfortable with that then OK. But do not wonder several weeks/months down the road if things are not all well and good why things are not going smoothly.
Your call.
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OP, if you’re going to do this then you need a safety plan to keep your assets seperate and what you will do if he leads you to legal trouble. If he’s got drugs on him in your car or home and is arrested, so are you and you’re charged with possession just like him. If you have kids together and he is selling (& gets caught), you run the risk of having them removed from YOU and places in foster care.
I think it’s a silly risk, considering he had a girlfriend when you met anyway, but that’s up to you. Hopefully you can reread your own letter so it gives you insight into what a bad situation you could really be creating for yourself – And that then you RUN away from this guy.
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