How about being a psychologist? I had great conversations and wonderful first dates until I revealed (when asked for my occupation and education) that I am a psychologist with a PhD.
In addition, even before revealing the above, when I say to City dates that I live on Staten Island, it seems to be the end of the encounter, either in person (e.g. speed dating) or on a dating site. I am fit, attractive, and own a car.
City: Staten Island
There are two separate issues here.
Let;s tackle the non-problem of your career. My ex is a psychologist. Personally, I loved being with someone who not only appreciated and understood my need to analyze things, but encouraged it. However, I can see why some people might find that intimidating. As I said in a recent post, no matter what you do for a living, there is going to be somebody out there who will not date you because of it. If anything you should use your job as a filter of some kind to help you determine compatibility.
Yep, some people won’t date me because of what I do and some people only want to date me because what I do. That’s life. I think the problem is that people mature believing that they have far more options than they actually do. There will always be stereotypes and biases applied to us that cause us to be pursued, judged or dismissed. Lawyers deal with it. Finance people deal with it. Fireman deal with it. If someone recoils or stops showing interest once you reveal what you do for a living, it’s because they are either intimidated or ignorant themselves, as they live their lives basing decisions on stereotypes. If they aren’t even willing to give you a chance, they’re not worth your time.
Speaking of stereotypes, let’s tackle the second issue in your letter. Unfortunately, inhabitants of Staten Island are typically perceived as simple and boorish. There’s another issue in this specific scenario because many people tend to envision the “typical” Staten Island resident to be Italian and to possess the “typical” personality traits of Italian people i.e. loud and ignorant. (Please watch A Bronx Tale. The Robert Deniro character is also an example of the “typical” Italian male. Quiet but strong, hard working and devoted to family. We’re not all loud-mouth and violent gangsters with mob ties. Kthanxs.)
The other problem is that you live outside of the city. I dread bringing this up as it will just arouse and awaken all the whiny dudes in Queens who like to cry elitist. Boo hoo. You have to understand, OP, that people who attend an event in Manhattan or any other major city want to meet people who live in that particular city. Not Queens or Long Island or Astoria.They don’t want to deal with the commute and all the stress that comes with it. On the opposite end of this expectation are the people who live in Jersey and Queens who attend Manhattan events and get upset because they didn’t meet a bunch of Patrick Batemans and Mr. Bigs. They, too, struggle to find someone suitable.
The trouble with relying so heavily on stereotypes is that, while there usually is a layer of validity to the stereotype, the image and assumptions constructed are not based on reality. They are usually an extension of our personal opinions and desires. What hinders dating most is the unreasonable expectations that we have the tendency to develop based on ideas we have in our head.
I’ll never forget meeting a guy on OKC. In one of our pre-date conversations, I gave him the link to this web site. He took a tour and read dozens of posts. In his search he came across one of the password protected posts. He emailed me and asked for access to the post entitled “Too Many Cocks.” I assumed he made a typo, as the post was actually entitled, ‘Too Many Cooks.” Suffice to say that this guy had assumed I was some kind of Slutty OKC Unicorn -attractive, intelligent, sexual and interested in extreme sexual acts. When I wasn’t as “open” as he thought I would be, he balked. All it took was to read a blog title too quickly to cause him to manufacture an image of me in his mind that did not exist.
Equally counter-productive is to look at a photo and assume that you’ll be meeting someone who looks exactly like that picture. As a good friend once commented, a photo is nothing more than a moment in time.You can’t expect someone to appear or behave exactly like how you assumed (or hoped) they would because of a couple of one-dimensional representations. There needs to be a learning curve of sorts. If you dismiss someone because you have a specific idea of how they should look or act and most people don’t meet that image, you’re shooting yourself in the foot.
My advice, David, is this: If you want to date a woman who lives in the city, move to the city. Either that or accept the fact that where you live and what you do will be used against you and will thereby limit your options. Just keep in mind that everybody’s options are limited. Your assumption that other people have it easier is false. Pretty much everybody struggles to meet someone. It’s the people who accept that their audience is smaller that experience the least frustration and has more success.